4h agoSylver-sky
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/12056061/

Reviews are typically used for readers to express their opinions on a story, not to critique a writer’s style. My author notes are written in bold letters, I have always done this. I don’t use the speech verbs because they are ‘trendy’, they are used to add a dimension of emotion to the dialog. These men are having a heated argument, not a conversation over coffee. If my writing is too verbose for your liking, then just don’t read it. A ‘hook’ is not meant to be long or very revealing, it is used to paint a vivid picture in a SHORT scene to keep the reader interested. I don’t want you invested in the character, I want you on the edge of your seat wanting to know more.

It sounds to me like you’re trying to critique others’ work to make yourself sound smarter than you actually are. Do not use my stories for this purpose. I will not change my style just because it’s not what you think is right. If you had any proper schooling at all, you would know that the first rule of writing is that there is NO RIGHT WAY TO DO IT. Any college student knows this, it is the first thing we are taught.

18h ago2Alfalfa2
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/12056949/

Thank you so much, this is exactly what I came to this site for. This chapter will be reedited, and I will clean up my grammar for future chapters. Again, thank you for being honest, specific, and not allowing my lazy editing to ruin this story.

5h agoaronpuma
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/12057003/

Thank you for taking the time really review. Danelle and I very much appreciate your time. I do hope that you find a story that better suits your tastes, but thanks for giving ours a read.

10h agoZoobeeny
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/12056889/

I’m not sure how to open up this reply, so I’m just going to be blunt and answer all your questions right now, because they are really irking me right now.

1. I am aware that starting with an infodump is generally regarded with less than joy, but I am certain that, had I started with an action scene, you would’ve written, telling me that starting with action would only confuse the reader and blah blah blah. Had I started with the story, it would’ve been infinitely harder for the reader to grasp the context of this world until at least two more chapters had passed, in which case, you, if not someone else, would bash me for, again, saying that I confused the reader and/or should’ve added this background information in the beginning. From all this, I ask you this, what would you say would be best to do?

2. I wouldn’t capitalize dog or cat or dragon, however, if we take a legendary pokemon, say, Giratina, do we capitalize? Technically speaking, Giratina is both its name and species, so would we still call a pikachu, a Pikachu? And in the context of the father, who was speaking in regards to Arkah, he wouldn’t have knowledge of Arkah’s name actually being Arkah, instead, referring to the Pokemon as Alakazam, a “name” as Ash’s Pikachu is a Pikachu. (On a side note, here in http://www.fanfiction.net, “pokemon” is not a real word, while “Pokemon” is. Also, Pokemon is trademarked and even in science, all bird’s should have their species name capitalized which would make Fearow and Pidgeot have to have capitalization, which would make it rather odd for the reader to see “Fearow” capitalized, then “turtwig” uncapitalized.) Finally, please don’t treat me as if I’m an idiot. “This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things.” I’m not stupid, I passed grade school, I know what a proper noun is, and when you take the games into account, they CAPS LOCK the names of Pokemon, which you should know, as you say you have played the games. (Though, I’m not sure whether black, white, X, or Y still do that)

3. Yeah, sorry for the grammatical mistakes. Using Google Docs can be a hassle when I type to fast and my cursor gets in the way so I can’t tell if it’s a comma or period. Also, that “He” was originally supposed to be lower case, but Google Docs autocorrected it without me noticing. And lastly, concerning the “dad/mom” thing, I had no idea about that, so thank you for that.

4. Mercurius is supposed to have a more refined and uptight personality and I wanted his word choice to reflect that. This also goes with how Clark/Turtwig knows what breasts are. Mercurius is supposed to have been alive for a much longer time and, being a Lucario, is technically able to communicate via telepathy, so who isn’t to say images aren’t to be telepathically sent to further the knowledge of Layla and Clark, both of whom Mercurius hopes will be free one day and will need as much knowledge as possible to survive. Another thing, if you understood what I was trying to say, than that just solidifies the point that Mercurius is more complex than most other people and his speech represents that.

5. Clark himself, is not exactly a pure individual, as he, like Layla, is also genetically different than other Pokemon, his being that whatever attack or ability was last used on him, he can absorb unto himself to become that type. This wasn’t going to be written, because it would’ve been awkward for me to write, but Clark had absorbed a bit of Layla’s abilities back when Mercurius was teaching them to fight. Psychic types have the ability to use the attack Foresight, allowing Clark to use that same ability. Clark then accidentally uses it and sees some… unfortunate things. Thus, explaining why Clark knows and slightly cares what breasts are. P.S. If you look up Gardevoir on the internet, weird things pop up, and, again, Layla is a genetic experiment. She will be different than others, and it will come together in a later chapter. If you ever read that far.

6. I use words such as “interjected” to do exactly as you said. To make that sentence stick out. That sentence is trying to convey the fact that Lewis is more concerned with the health of his close friend than anything else at that moment. The other instances where I used different words other than “said” were instances I deemed had to have a different tone than what “said” would simply give me. In fact, I don’t use as much of “unusual speech verbs” as you say I do. I actually use the words, “shouted/yelled” or “asked” more often. I also looked through the stories that you have written and, well, you say that I should use more said, when for you, you use the word “said” a lot, but when it comes time to use anything different, you simply ignore it and just add a sentence after the quotation. I know “said” can be used a lot, but you can’t satisfy everyone. Use it too many times and someone yells at you for doing that, use it too little times, and someone still yells at you.

7. Finally, cutting off at the very end is, under the exact definition of the dictionary, what I did is actually a cliff-hanger, as it leaves the reader in some form of suspense because the reader does not know what will happen next. Unless you can see the future. Which would scare me.

8. I forgot this, but, I am aware that I should separate my author notes, as I did do that with the first one. The second A/N might not have had its line placed when I backspaced to remove an unneeded space between the two. If you did realize it was an author’s note, just tell me that I forgot to put one there, and not “advise” me to do it. I know that I needed to do it, and if you’re as smart as you sound, you should’ve noticed the fact that it was there at the beginning.

I do hope you read this entire reply, and, judging from your review and what you have posted online, I get the feeling that you did. Anyways, I did enjoy your critique, though, like you say on your profile, it did sound like you were more of dissing me, than actually critiquing. Perhaps, adopting a nicer tone would make it easier to swallow what you’re writing? Like, instead of saying “What? Why would a turtle even know or care what breasts are? Gardevoir don’t even have noticeable breasts.” Try saying, “I’m pretty sure that a turtle would not know, or even care, what breasts are. Also, Gardevoir/’s (depending on who you are, because multiple Pikachus have the “s”) aren’t supposed to have noticeable breasts.” In my opinion, which you can choose to ignore, you should try to make yourself sound like you’re asking a question rather than just straight up saying “You’re wrong.” when the reasoning behind the method could be right.

A question though, you said that cutting off was considered bad writing, but I can only see one instance in your stories that have more than one chapter. There are a total of three stories with more than one chapter, but two are a rewrite and a novelization, both of which don’t count, because not one tiny piece is truly original. Besides that, the story that you wrote, “Sburbia Slaughter”, the ending of chapter one simple ends with “No.” In what way is that not abrupt? Many of your other stories are equally abrupt in their transitions, so, maybe, just maybe, you would like to look over those?

I am sure that you have received many of these reviews, and I truly did appreciate them after rereading my own writing, but, please do not misunderstand me. I am not trying to flame you, any criticism is honestly an attempt at pointing out problems I had that I think could be improved with your critiquing of others. Til we meet again.

5h agoOkay then, I can see where you are coming from for the first few parts of your counter argument. The infodump, is as you said, annoying for any reader, however, I was rather impatient when writing this story as it was only bits and pieces floating about in my mind. When I did write it down, and you may look down upon me for this, I was far to lazy to change it to ease the reader into that, so I apologize now, anyways. (If you can’t tell, I am far more sane than when I first PM’d you). Oh, and that thing about the strange wording of Mercurius, yeah… I was quite irritated that someone dared to critique my work, but I’m quite good now and realize that it doesn’t make a lot of sense unless you really think about it. I’ll change it. (The thing about someone daring to critique, that’s a joke, don’t take it so seriously)On the capitalization thing, however, I did indeed read the entire thread after writing my first PM. All of it. All the cussing and insulting, and occasionally, the legitimate argument. I know you support Farla’s views on how Pokemon should be capitalized, however, it boils down to how the writer wants to write it and how the reader takes it. You said that it distracts you from the overall story, however, for many others who have played the games, or watched the anime, or read the manga, it is perfectly fine and it does not distract them in any sense. So, I am not going to change those for you in favor of keeping it the same and not pissing more people off. (I even went online to search for the “proper” capitalization of Pokemon and the individual Pokemon, but all sites led to the same thing. Pokemon should be capitalized based on the writer.)

Human reproductive organs. Why do we study animal reproductive organs? Just cuz? Farming? If it’s farming, then why snake reproductive organs? Or sea slugs? It is information, and it is the goal of humans to learn as much as possible, just to have more information. In the same way that Mercurius would have no idea what kind of information would be necessary in the outside world. Perhaps a mother is giving birth, the father is dead, and the mother is close to death. At the very least, Layla, being a humanoid Pokemon, would be able to assist in some fashion. Clark just learned it as a tag-along because it would be more efficient to simply teach both Pokemon the same things at the same time. Simply speaking, teach all that you can so that, should any situation arise, and I mean any, you would be able to understand at least in part what was going on. Going on with that, you can’t just learn about one part of the human body, you have to learn all of it. If you had never known what breasts were, wouldn’t you be slightly curious as to what on earth they were for? If you aren’t curious at all, then you’re probably not a scientist. I know I would be curious to learn about strange appendages on any animal.

I could’ve used a different approach to Layla having breasts, however, I did actually run each scenario in my mind to see how that would work into the overall story, but none of them worked as well as I liked. If you happen to have a better idea, please share it, that would probably give me a bigger audience (I’m not kidding, please do, of course, I might completely disregard it too, so…). I’m not entirely sure how’s that creepy, but that depends on the person reading, some would find it as a joke, others would be confused, and individuals such as yourself would be offended. I wouldn’t classify this as “rapey misogynistic elements” as it does not delve that far. Now, had I said that Clark had tried to do something to Layla based on the fact she has breasts, then, and only then, would that be “rapey misogynistic elements”. Secondly, I do not think it is “important” to add a joke about breasts. It really isn’t, but it may or may not serve a different purpose in another time, and, if it doesn’t, then it is simply a joke to more crude people. Unless you tell me that it is absolutely imperative that I remove it, I probably won’t. (Though, it is starting to grate on my nerves…)

A quick note to you, misogynistic, if you didn’t already know, means that an individual has a particular dislike towards women. I don’t see how my joke, however crude it was, was misogynistic. Concerning whether or not there will be rape in later chapters (I use the word “rape” freely because you yourself have used the word “rapey”, so not quite sure why you censored simple “rape”), there will most likely not be any rape except maybe a brief discussion with Lewis and another individual I plan to add later on. So, no, there will not be any direct rape in the story, there will be, however, a prostitution part, though the building is quickly emptied due to a bounty placed upon most of the customers of that place. Layla herself, is a psychic Pokemon capable of creating blackholes, and even if she does not get any stronger to the point of an actual Gardevoir, she would still have a Kirlia’s general combat abilities, which far outweigh any human’s combat prowess.

Finally, I also believe that having someone raped or “perved on”, is not something that should theoretically exist in society, but there will always be individuals who do such things, and as such, it would be nearly impossible to completely avoid some mention of it, especially in a dystopian world of Pokemon where the regions themselves are at war. Wars cause innumerable problems, but the creation of dark and shifty places to produce income will always be around to prey on those weaker and less fortunate.

(In your last paragraph, is the first sentence sarcasm? I don’t think it is, but, following my own plan and, coincidentally, yours, I was going to add Clark’s abilities in the second chapter since I can’t add it in the beginning, or it would’ve been slightly strange because adding that much exposition in one chapter gets on my nerves because I can’t take it myself. If you really want, I can even tell you in what circumstances does Clark’s abilities are shown off to the reader.)

30m agoDryking13
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/12059079/

Thank you for the advice. I will make the corrections as soon as I can.

21m agoNinjas Say Hi
Hi there, thanks for your review, but I do have an issue with what you have suggested. I do not want to be offensive to you and I don’t want to a start fight, however I’ve just read your profile. I do very much appreciate you tips, but I am an honest person and I will admit my grammar and spelling is not best. It is most likely not worth, to be an actually author with my skills.

But your review went overboard, if you would like to give me some tips then may I suggest, one thing. Please don’t write all on a review, I can’t read the rest, off what you suggest. It is literally that long that I can’t read on my email and it won’t come up on the story for me to read over. Because it cut of half way, and may I suggest something? I was always taught to put capitals on the first world for a tile and not the whole, and. I disagree with what you said about the Pokemon names.

Even though it true to not use capital for “mouse and dragon” such as names for animals. However when it comes to characters in the Pokemon world, they are characters names and there for in my opinion they should have a capital letter.

Back to your profile I very much do appreciate the tips, but please do not be a grammar nazi, when it comes English’s language. America, Britain and Australia all have the same language, but let different, we add 15 new words to the dictionary every year.
Yes it is important to know the basic of gramma and English it is not important to think that one knows everyone about, the language that literally adds news words to it dictionary.

I hope no harsh feelings, have been between us and I appreciate your tips.just now don’t post it on a review if you have lot to say, just pm me and I appreciate.

Thank you.
Hope you have a good day :)

9h agoYou just told me not to be rude and I’m really trying not to. As much as I want to hang the phone here, I can’t just give up. I’m not just here to try and improve, but to share a couple of ideas.I’ve been on FanFiction for some time now and I understand what your saying is honest. It also all in your best interest, I respect you for that.

However I think you need to understand That everyone on FanFiction has one thing in common we want to share our ideas. For that one time fav of shows/movies and games.

All and also I was trying to be nice, because I look though your reviews for your stories. (Your grammar might be great, but people don’t seem to think so.)

Thanks anway.

P.s. I think if we don’t want to hurt each other feelings then mybe it best to leave the conversation.

Jul 21Delta Edge

I also wanted to just show people what the story would be called, so they can prepare saying, “[Story name] is an upcoming story! Let’s get ready!”

Oh… I see. I never really caught some of the mistakes I was making. Wow, I really have a lot of things to work on.
Thank you! I appreciate the feedback :)
Gah. Tenses! Yes, I have always suffered with my tenses. I find that I do often switch from present to past… somehow it’s difficult for me to stick with one tense .
Hm… Alright, something I got to work on.
As for the thoughts of my character, I think I will play around a bit and see how I would make it work. I’m not sure as to how I would punctuate my character’s thoughts… but I’ll figure something out.
Also, I do agree with my first chapter being too short, and I am currently working on making it much more length appropriate.It’s good to know that there are a lot of things I need to work on, and I am super grateful for your advice in your feedback. I’m happy to know the areas that I need to improve on and I will start working on it right away.

Thank you very much! I really appreciate it!

18m agoChanceTaCrit7027
I have received your review through my email, but the site doesn’t allow me to see your full review whenever I try to view it. I really am new to the site and just wanted to know if this is what it normally does. Though, I have seen the fanfiction help desk forum say they were having the same problems as well, but I just want to make sure.Site issues aside, I just want to let you know how grateful I am to you for reviewing my story from a critical perspective! This makes it a lot easier to take in and improve myself than if you were to just say that my story was bad, so-so, or even good.

However, I would still like to see the rest of the review as soon as I can, so if it really was a server error and such, then I would like to see all of it, please and thank you! If it doesn’t cause any trouble for you of course.

Sincerely, ChanceTaCrit7027

6h agoBiskitGod
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/12061777/

I checked and I didn’t notice the dialogue errors in this particular chapter, but I will try and review those. I know that I have comma usage issues, something that I’m trying to improve on. I might try getting a beta reader like you suggested. I bold my author’s notes to try and separate them, but dashes is definitely not a bad idea.

Overall thanks for the review man :)