secs ago[One of the reasons why I started the story Fantasy Tale is to improve my English.]

That’s not actually a very good idea. Prose writing is one of the hardest applications of a language. You need to learn to walk before you run, you know?

Beta readers read over your story before it’s posted and point out mistakes, like an editor.

secs agoI don’t do capitalization arguments. Take it to the thread.

Your paragraphing is a little odd here. Remember that this site doesn’t let you use indents, so you need to use double spaces to make your paragraphs clear.

Otherwise, that’s fair. As long as you’re intending to explain the things I brought up, this works alright as an in medias res opening. I would still like to know why you wanted this to be Pokemon and not original fiction, however.

secs ago[some people simply drop off an OC and then leave]

How do you know they left? If someone has a following notification for your story, isn’t it more reasonable to assume they are, well, following it? Some people are shy and don’t like to leave reviews. You shouldn’t assume that means they aren’t paying attention at all.

secs agoFor future reference, this is much easier if you quote the sections you’re addressing.

[I remember you; you peer-pressured Clamorem Luporum to move Tsundere Lucario to DeviantArt.]

This is news to me. I vaguely remember reviewing that story once? That’s hardly peer pressure. If the author chose to move after that, that’s their own decision.

[He’s a pubescent boy. Why do you think so many people think he’s a man? With that much testosterone flowing through him, who’s to say he WON’T think those thoughts?]

As someone who was a 13-year-old boy, no, it’s still not normal. If puberty was like that for you, you may want to see a doctor to make sure your testosterone levels are normal.

[This kid is a genius. He’s just not mature. He’s socially secluded and has a speech impediment that causes him to stutter MUCH more than a normal person when trying to form a complex sentence. While other children were off playing bootleg-soccer, he was screwing around with the toaster that wouldn’t work. His mind developed differently than others, and therefore is more attuned to technicality than social interaction. His vocabulary is so huge that it makes his speech impediment WORSE. The only reason he can talk to characters in this chapter is because his responses are short, and not very complicated. Why wouldn’t he use big words?]

So he’s a massive sue is what you’re telling me. If you’re going for self-indulgent wish fulfillment, well, okay, but none of this changes the fact that purple prose is awkward and frustrating to read.

[Waking up in the morning would give you an idea of how his mind works, and why he does things the way he does.]

What does it tell us that you couldn’t have told us by starting where the plot starts? Even if it does, why couldn’t you have waited until after the inciting event, after we’re already invested? In a narrative you should focus on what’s important. This thread explains this better: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

[The “grating filler” is the explanation for how overdeveloped and smart he is.]

I don’t think you understood what I was referring to. I was talking about his conversational tone and constantly interrupting the story to talk to the audience. That kind of behavior is actually extremely juvenile and insecure, pretty much the opposite of what you’re trying to convey. A mature person should not be constantly getting distracted by tangents. This only works if you’re trying to show that he has ADD — in which case you’re actually doing that pretty accurately, but that doesn’t change the fact it’s grating to read through.

[EV trained with the correct nature, it can basically steamroll anything at lv. 100.]

Neither of those things apply to a baby found in the wild, also anything can basically steamroll anything at level 100. Riolu has a lower base stat total than fearow and pidgeotto. *Lucario* are strong, but riolu is a baby pokemon. No, what’s surprising about finding a riolu practically in your backyard is why it’s so far from home; outside of Kalos, it is only found deep in the wilderness and only in very specific locations. You don’t have to have a very good explanation, but you should make some attempt to justify why your protagonist gets the super special overused pokemon so easily.

[He had an issue with money and morality; remember how you predicted he was going to bang him? He needed to rid himself of the riolu, which is why he hasn’t shoehorned in a name for him yet.]

I’m not entirely clear what this is referring to; you mean when I questioned why he couldn’t take in the riolu? If this is the real reason, you need to make that clearer, because currently, the only reason he cites for not being able to keep it is that he can’t be a trainer.

[Nurse Joy interpreted his intentions to be ill willed, so she denied keeping the riolu or releasing it.]

What’s ill-willed about giving up a pokemon for adoption? Besides, if they think he’s posing a risk to the riolu, isn’t that even more reason to take it from him?

[It’s a different society. In the real world, Christianity is one of the most popular religions. That’s what Arceus is in this, basically. When was the last time you met someone that worshiped a Cheez-it as a god? Well, that’s what Christianity is in this.]

None of that makes any sense and I have no idea what you’re trying to say. I’d recommend taking the discussion to this thread: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[Plus, I would like to have people have “a slice of life” of a transgender female.]

Then you have a fundamental misunderstanding of what transgender people are. Transgender people have a mismatched gender from the outset; they do not change sex due to environmental stressors to facilitate reproduction. Obviously we don’t know if animals have a concept of gender and what they think when they go through sex changes, but it really doesn’t seem to be the same thing. Humans don’t function that way, so trying to tie it to gender dysphoria is just going to be awkward at best.

[No, my protagonist ISN’T a normal 13-year old. What 13-year old shoplifts for a living? What 13-year-old shoplifts for other people? And for pay?]

Again, you misunderstand my point. Kids’ brains are physically different from adults’. Their thoughts and behaviors are fundamentally different from adults’. You can’t magically get maturity by having a tragic/criminal backstory. And regardless, he doesn’t even act like a hardened criminal either. This is, very transparently, a teenager writing what he thinks adults sound like and pasting it on to his teenager OC to make him look more mature. Real maturity and development is just… way way more complicated than that. I strongly recommend reading stories about real-life street urchins if you want to get an idea of how kids embedded in a life of crime actually act.

[Totally consensual incestal adoption!]

Consent gets really hard to define with parental incest, which is essentially what this is. When you raise someone, you have a lot of control over not just their physical needs but their mental and moral development as well. If you raise someone to be totally dependent on you and to be unaware there could even be other options and then they decide to bang you… that’s not totally informed consent, and it’s a very squicky gray area for a lot of people. That’s the real issue here, much more than an age gap. If that’s your fetish… well, alright, I won’t judge, but you should be aware of why other people might find it upsetting.

Anyway. You say they aren’t going to be screwing, which is a relief, but you will have to forgive me for jumping to conclusions there. If your framing sends a different message than you intend due to other people muddying the waters, that sucks for you, but you should change your framing to make your intentions clear. Even something as blatant as an author note saying this is going to be a platonic romance is probably fine; tags are wonderful things and all.

[As far as I’m concerned, you ARE my beta reader.]

I do not want to beta read your incest fetish fic. Find someone else.