Dragon Quill

Jul 11BetaError101

Thank you for the advice. When I have the time, I’ll fix the things you’ve suggested. Once again, thank you for the critique, it helps me out a lot for future writing.

Jul 12Hinebras

Thanks for the review.

“…and you’re formatting dialogue incorrectly.”
Checked the writing guide about grammar in the forum and fixed some things. Was it about using exclamation and question marks as periods?

“You’re also keeping “Arceus” uncapitalized throughout the story…”
Yeah, I was going for a vibe that Arceus was so full of itself for calling itself to be the most special snowflake in the world, but the end it was nothing more than just one pokemon from a bunch, but I suppose you’re right. There’s nothing stating that there are more than one arceus.

“You cover a lot of different issues and cliches, but can only scratch the surface as a consequence.”
I wanted to keep it more in the comedic parody side in this one, otherwise this setting will quickly evolve into a deconstruction scenario where many trainers free their pokes and start to demand for the pokes’ rights, then two factions will form one beliving pokes are people the other that wants to treat them as second class citizens. War will arise, the rebel faction with armored humans fighting along the pokes and trainers using their pokes to fight instead. One could even say that Arceus’ vision had Tommy in it because he will be a huge factor in the deciding battle for pokemon freedom which will kill thousands of people, but in the end the two faction will decide to stop the war to protect all the people (humans and pokemon) and will sign an
amendment to the Constitution to grant pokemon the same rights as humans and be considered people by the goverment. Though, I will find it very hard to pull that out as a comedy.

“Arceus did nothing while Cyrus was using its creations to destroy the universe literally right under the Hall of Origin!”
Pointing that out would have been great, but as you said, the character wasn’t from Sinnoh. I wanted to make fun of the concept that in those kind of fics, Arceus almost never have a chosen one from Sinnoh, in spite of it being its home region. I thought about getting a Sinnohan out of nowhere to start confronting Arceus, but it would be too much coincidence that in this precise moment in this place, there’s just so happen to be a person from Sinnoh that already knew all the stuff that happened in Platinum (I don’t know exactly how public was the fact that Cyrus actually managed to trap Palkia and Dialga it was about to make his own world when ended up in the Distortion World. I think there were just five people involved and Cynthia is the only trustworthy, but I don’t know how much she told about the whole incident or if she told the story at all). Though, it is a trollfic, maybe I can add it just for the lulz.

“…while it’s true that shinies serve no practical purpose, people DO want them regardless.”
True thing. Added a little bit to that paragraph.

Jul 13crystalemberketchum2

Thank you for this advice! It’s really helpful actually!

Jul 15emikat1234

I had 2 characters was when I first started, both characters were mine. So its kinda hard with only 1 character in teh student group who’s perspective I cna tell from. I consider this a Pokemon story because they are pretty much genetic oddities of Pokemon (like shinies) and I was going to discuss that later in the story. Also the no ears, Misdreavus can obviously hear, so the probably have ears which no one knows about. Also I’m sorry if I’m not perfect. Nobody is. This is my SECOND story! Yes the advice is very helpful, but just telling you.
No one is perfect. Especially beginners. You may be able to produce a perfect story, but you cant push that on others. I’m going to delete your review, not to be rude though.

Jul 15rhaswell2000

Most of the formatting issues will definitely be fixed, thank you for that. Most of it lies with my unrealistic idea as to how I would like the story formatted, as well as the struggle against FFN’s rather limited formatting options.Grammar issues, and some missing words, are me not knowing how to read (joke, I’m terrible at proofreading.)

As for some of the other points, I do agree that a few things should be made more clear prior to the actual story commencing, and the prologue will be lengthened to provide a backstory actually worth something. Other aspects of the setting are intended to be revealed later, mostly to drive the plot forward. As for the plot, there is going to be something beyond basic badge quest, more in line with what you would expect from one of the movies. All things in due time.

Again, and I say this with the utmost sincerity, thank you for the review(s). Your work towards reviews is much appreciated. I do intend on making a significant number of changes, and I’m hoping once it is re-uploaded that it is more well received.

Jul 16Blackstone The Warrior

Thank you for reviewing.

It is true, I am not a native speaker but I have my reasons.
First of all there aren’t many german speakers around here, also the names sound kind of dumb to me in german, for example Shade = Schatten. As I said I am completly new to the writting especially in english, but I am really trying to get better. I am slowly getting the rules of writting, so I am going to keep this going. I will do my best to correct my mistakes you told me.

Thank you again,

Blackstone

Jul 16EyeofAmethyst07

You are completely right. My work translates horribly from the content of the official games to paper, and my capitalization and use of shipping names is definitely something that can be annoying. My characters are hardly something that exist within the games. I admit that.But please leave me alone.

I write on this site for fun. I’m not looking to publish a novel on FF (is anyone?), nor am I trying to write the script for Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon. I just do this as a hobby, so please don’t treat my work like I sent it to a publisher instead of a fiction site.

I realize that 95% of this site’s content is crap. So is most of my stuff. But this is the second of my stories that you’ve persecuted, with not even the flicker of a compliment in sight. If you want higher-literature, read a published book or, better yet, write your own. You obviously have the know how to do so. Just from the name of the site, it should be obvious that it’s not exactly Barnes and Nobles, so don’t treat my stories like they’re on a shelf. Shake your head and roll your eyes at how illiterate I am, I couldn’t care less so long as you keep it to yourself.

Just let me have my afternoon fun, will you? I’d appreciate it.

Just an author trying to have some fun,
EyeofAmethyst07

Jul 17Zero Slash One

Wow, you grade hard.

(“Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?”) – Slice-of-life stuff, more than anything else, assuming I ever decide/bother to continue… looking pretty rain-of-the-forty-foot-frogs there…

(“It’s fine to just show the whole thing and note that Red was reading it in the next paragraph.”) – Noted.

(“That shouldn’t be capitalized, also that’s the first law, not the second”) Point, I suppose.

(“If magic is bound by the laws of thermodynamics, soul energy isn’t an infinite resource, and drawing power out of your soul starts to look really dangerous”). All good points/questions. Basically, how I had it set up in my mind is, it’s like a self-replenishing mana bar where complete draining means it eats at your HP-bar.

(“There’s no reason for a distinction in a world where magic is real and obeys scientific laws”) Something I hadn’t considered. Thanks.

(“I believe the word you want is “chapters”.”) I can agree with that.

(“You can’t have both Planescape and Christianity. Pick one.”) If I was doing a religious dissertation, I would agree with you here.

(“This reads like a Shin Megami Tensei fic where you’ve given your OCs the names of Pokemon characters.”) Other than the ‘so off, they’re OCs’ part, is that really a bad thing?

6h ago(“What is soul energy and how is it replenished?”) – Something to elaborate upon if I decide to continue this.

(“People browsing this category are looking for Pokemon fanfic”) By the same token, Pokemon High School AU aren’t counted as among other series that do involve school settings.

Jul 18Polarissb

I summarized a lot of this since, as you pointed out, this story isn’t about the cataclysms but what followed. As far as the rest of it, though, I think Pokemon does fit as a post-apocalyptic universe. I started looking at the games and noticed a lot of inconsistencies (for example, they have extremely advanced technology, especially medicine, but at the same time the world is made up of small towns connected by dirt roads with little to no sign of industry or vehicles, and in Emerald when they open a space center it’s this huge event). I came to the question of how advanced technology had come to be without associated development, and the most obvious answer was that the development had been abandoned or destroyed. That society had decided to proceed without it implied a catastrophe of human make that they connected with the pursuit of industry. You’ll note that despite the lack of cars and such people are just fine with riding bikes, so it’s not just a “we use pokemon” kind of thing. The whole world has a sort of studied respect for nature, which given human behavior is unlikely to have just emerged on its own. That was my jumping-off point for deciding it was post-apocalyptic.I also wanted pokemon to emerge at around this point, but I didn’t want to go the cheesy route and blame them on nuclear radiation (which never really makes sense anyway – you get cancer, not superpowers).

Anyway, like you said, that wasn’t the point of this story. You’re right that I should have released a first chapter with this…I was going back and forth on whether I should do it, and in retrospect I really should have. I’ll put it up soon though.

Governments…in this case, they really don’t exist as more than a group of people saying stuff. Sinnoh in my story was originally part of Alaska, although it no longer resides there, so you can see how the US and state governments wouldn’t be much use. Given that this is the story of the Sinnoh League, it’s essentially the formation of a new government like the one you outlined. In summary, I’d argue that utopian societies are usually a result of turmoil, not peace. If things are going well you don’t need to build utopia – you do it to fix problems.

And a lot of the emergent technologies are a direct result of studying pokemon and related phenomena. That started before the ultimate weapon, which was also based on pokemon research (I’m alluding to the X/Y ultimate weapon, which until I looked it up a minute ago I thought was capitalized kinda like Death Star. Maybe I should actually play X/Y sometime). Pokeballs, at least the prototypes, were created around the same time (which shows up slightly in chapter 1 – I’ll get it up).

And, ahm, I have to gloss over time constraints a bit obviously. My framework does allow for a few existing pokemon, mostly legendaries (anything deep enough underground or maybe underwater near a crack in the earth’s crust could potentially have been exposed and turned into a pokemon). So in my headcanon, Lugia, Groudon, Mew, Giratina, and one or two others could exist in our present, they’d just be unknown until the Four Cataclysms shook things up. In my stories (in general) I usually call them “the legends” as in “thank the legends,” but in this story they don’t really have a name yet. The legend/god aspect comes more from their power than their history, as it always seemed weird to me that regular pokemon would be able to compete with them in the games. I mean, in Sapphire, Kyogre swamps the entire region in endless torrential rain when it gets agitated. Then you catch it and it’s stronger than most pokemon but not overwhelmingly so. Diamond tries to explain this with “legendary pokemon’s power is limited if they get captured” but I mean, really? How convenient that the nigh-unstoppable engine of destruction becomes a sweet little pussycat once you get it in a ball. So in my backstory, legendaries absolutely did level cities during their rampage and you do NOT want one (at least not most of them – some aren’t aggressive) waking up.

So yeah, a lot of this is the result of a semi-AU I’ve thrown together. I try to stay true to the canon material wherever possible, but that can’t always be done (I guess if it were always true to canon it wouldn’t really be original, would it?). Anyway, thanks for your review!

Jul 18WelshDragon18

hey if you want to be the beta i could use a beta for my fanfictions

Jul 19RejectedByJustice

Hello St. Elmo! I appreciate your grammatical critiques and will definitely look back over the story to try and fix what I missed. I see your point on the capitalization of Pokemon species and will definitely consider changing that too. You’re right about Trey being a somewhat unsympathetic character for this potion of the story. That was somewhat my intent, but if it rubs you wrong way I can see why. I recognize Celebi isn’t a very good fighter, but this one has an egotistical personality, which I was trying to highlight.
The main reason I’m responding to your review though, other than the fact its the first I’ve received, is to let you know this is not an anime fic. Its not based in any main continuity really. It just uses the concept set up in Pokemon. Karen’s last name is just a nod to the popular series, as I plan to include nods to various other Pokemon series throughout the story’s run. I also chose that last name because, as you seem to have noticed, I am a fan of comic book story telling and enjoy the alliterative names like one would encounter in a Stan Lee story.
Anyway, so if you’re main issue reading the story was an overt anime influence, I can assure you that is not the case. (I will likely add a disclaimer along with other edits at some point in the future to make that clear.) Hopefully you feel inclined to read more at some point.
In either case, take care! And thanks for the feedback.