“I did it at 10:00 while half asleep, i’ll do a better one next time”
Jun 11
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/11990468/
Thank you for your input! I’ll change the time skip part here and on Wattpad.
I only changed the POV once in the first chapter. The beginning was in Leo’s perspective and he was listening to the announcements.
The change of POV was necessary because otherwise the reader would not have known that the principle allowed Leo to storm out of the school in rage.
I decided to start writing about a week ago and have been working on making the chapters longer.
I appreciate you input.
Jun 11
[The change of POV was necessary because otherwise the reader would not have known that the principle allowed Leo to storm out of the school in rage.]
There are more elegant ways to show that. For instance, just have Leo storm out to begin with, then once he cools off he could note how odd it was, and later he could learn that fact from another character. Or he could have heard the announcement. Switching POV just to let us learn a single fact is just kinda… tacky. If it’s really so important, there should be space for it to come up in a more natural way.
Name: CharaGender: Whatever.
Age: 18
Physical Appearance: They have chin-length mahogany hair, bright red eyes, and pale skin with rosy cheeks. They are androgynous enough in appearance and dress that people who expect to be able to tell someone’s gender just by looking at them will be very confused. They look slightly waifish, and are below average in height and weight.
Clothing Style: They don’t change their outfit much or pay much attention to it. Slight variations on their basic outfit, I guess.
Clothing Example: A green-and-yellow striped sweater, brown shorts, and a heart-shaped “Best Friends Forever” locket.Personality: When Chara decides to do something, they do it no matter what and against all odds. They have a high pain tolerance and no undue regard for their own body, so they don’t tend to be slowed down by fear for their own well-being or by non-debilitating injuries.They have an abrasive personality and are not good at hiding it. They talk stiltedly, with a large vocabulary for someone their age that is both impressive and a little unnerving. They smile and laugh at inappropriate times, especially when other people are suffering. They don’t like or care about any of the people around them, and are not good at pretending to. Anyone who is put off by that sort of thing will probably not want to work with, help, or even be around them.They despise humanity, and wish to completely eradicate the human race. If they are alone with a human or group of humans that they can hurt or kill and get away with it, they will do so.If they are in a situation where they have to interact non-violently with other humans, they will attempt to play nice out of self-preservation. As mentioned above, they aren’t particularly good at it.Family: Unclear, see below.
Basic History: Chara comes from a small town where they met a Pokemon Professor, received a starter, and set off to become a powerful trainer. Other people from that town are aware of their existence, but seem to have trouble recalling anything specific about their past. Their mother appears to be alive, but occasionally they may say something that would seem to imply they are an orphan. Sometimes when they are feeling nostalgic they may speak with vague, distant fondness about having once had a best friend who would do anything for them, and who gave them the heart-shaped “Best Friends Forever” locket they wear everywhere, but it’s unclear who they could possibly be talking about.
Pokémon Species: bisharp
Sexual Orientation: Asexual. Anyone trying to make a move on them will get either a knife to the face or a knife to the crotch, whichever they think is funnier. This means they’ll probably be the first to become a pokemon, if they aren’t already. They actually see this as a positive.
Anything Else?: Sometimes they may be caught speaking to someone who doesn’t appear to be there. They talk about what they want to do next, what the other person wants them to do next, how much fun they are or aren’t having. They are always facing south when they do this.
They always carry a knife. They are not from around here.
No comment? Is this character not acceptable?
Without the CornI’m sorry, but this is not a crossover between Undertale and Pokemon. They did make me chuckle a bit though.
You can change the name if you’re worried about people getting on your case. Besides, isn’t Chara supposed to be a metaphor for a universal concept rather than a character restricted to their original work?Still, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t fit. Sorry, but they were rejected.Hm, I can see that. Would they fit into your latest story (Society’s Downfall)?No, sorry. Maybe try someone else.Hm… why were they rejected, though? Chara is unusual in a lot of ways, so it’s hard for me to tell exactly what would have to be different about a new character, or how much.Well, Chara isn’t entirely yours. They belong to whomever created Undertale – forgot their name. It feels like plagerism.Jun 11Undertale Chara also isn’t an 18-year-old high school student and pokemon trainer. ;) In truth, Undertale Chara is a pretty blank slate that kinda encompasses all player characters and grimdark edgelord OCs everywhere. This Chara isn’t entirely mine, but nor are they entirely Undertale’s anymore either.What would you say if I changed their name to… oh, let’s say Kara and defined their gender as female, but kept the personality and everything else the same? They are now an original character, at least as much as the horde of “original” characters very transparently based on canon characters that already flood the internet.
(Seriously, I highly, highly doubt anyone will get on your case about this or even notice if you change the name, least of all Toby Fox.)
You’re also free to not credit me, or credit me anonymously, if you feel I’m unfairly using someone else’s work to gain publicity for myself. I assure you that is not my intention.Still, no. Doesn’t matter if you add one thing or another. The base is still Chara and my morals still say no. Please look for another story, because when it comes to my stories, it will be a ‘no’.“My morals still say no” says the person who wrote a story about how rape is hilarious. I feel like this was a missed opportunity to tell them the government helicopters were coming for them.
After this, I started changing the name.
Jun 11
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/11993856/
I didn’t knew that. Thanks for sharing this information :)
Flamer the fanfic GodThanks a whole ton it was just a way to get my feelings out nobody was really supposed to read it have you read my bio maybe you should because that is an accurate representation of how I commuted and then doctors or surgeons or whatever revived me oh and by the way reviews also help and what about moving to achive of our own hmmm
Gahh I can’t do anything without someone critiquing it and I don’t give a crap about grammar f$&@ing grammar nazi
If no one was supposed to read it why did you post it on a public website? You really shouldn’t be using a public website for therapy, that just isn’t gonna work.Look I know my writing skills are terrible it somehow just works for me that’s it goodbye ElmoYour writing skills are irrelevant to this. Even if you were Shakespeare, posting your extremely personal coping mechanisms to a public website without any explanation of what it means to you was always going to be a disaster. If it helps you to write stuff out, go ahead, but know what you’re getting into if you post it for a larger audience.Jun 12PrinceRaven
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/11994760/
I did it at 10:00 while half asleep, i’ll do a better one next time
That’s not an excuse. You are not required to post things the instant you finish them. Proofread your late-night projects the next morning when you’re more coherent.ok I will thanksJun 12Satoshi Mcfly
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/11995257/
sorry ut i use google docs
Ah sorry, I forgot to include Kara’s team in the review. They have a meganium, a skiddo, a sharpedo, an absol, a bisharp, and a female gallade. Do you need details or is that enough?Jun 12
Errm… I saw the submission, and I’m a bit wary, I have to be honest. I mean, glowing red eyes and a tendency to hurt people for no apparent reason isn’t really what I’m going for in the fic.
Disliking people, sure I can get behind that, but actively wanting to injure, even kill?
Not so much.
As for the team, they’re a bit exotic. There’s only one from even Johto, and it’s a starter – something people won’t be breeding all that often. The rest aren’t even that local, and quite rare ones at that.
Lastly, Gallade are male only, so obviously I can’t use that lol. I can understand wanting to justify some kinda gender fluid thing here (you seem to have a bit of a theme there), but a female Gallade is a Gardevoir, because pokemon don’t really have gender identity. At least, not as far as I’m aware?
Jun 12But that’s what makes them interesting! When you open the floodgates of SYOC, you’re bound to get a lot of strange examples — the interesting part is how you roll with the punches! Look at it like a challenge. Step outside your comfort zone a bit. Can you think of any way such a violent character could be incorporated into your plot? They don’t even have to be in the typical role.
For the pokemon, I was going with the idea they had already gone on a pokemon journey. How else would they have a full team? If they’re supposed to be a newbie who grabs pokemon from what the school has on reserve, then I don’t know why you want me to provide the team — that seems like something specific to the story, so you’d have a better idea of what would work.
I said female gallade to make a point, that being that the gender divide is completely idiotic and has no good reason to exist. You can replace it with a scyther if it’s really a sticking point, but I doubt too many people will really object if you casually mention female gallade exist, or just don’t mention its gender at all. (I would also argue that pokemon probably have gender identities if they’re around human intelligence as implied by some media, but if you’re going with pokemon-as-animals your reasoning makes sense.)
(Also, their eyes aren’t glowing, just red.)
Jun 13
As for the parties, they’re breeders. The Pokémon they have access to have come from customers who haven’t wanted surplus eggs. I’m running a canon where more than one egg can be conceived per breeding session, and thus there can be extra. If the owner doesn’t want he surplus, it means a free egg for the breeder. Make sense?
I kinda see your point on the gender divide thing, bit this isn’t tumblr. Gender identity doesn’t rule the world. If only male Kirlia can evolve into Gallade, I can’t list a female one lol. But I’m perfectly okay with not specifying the gender. At the end of the day, people will either just assume male because of its species, not care, or be like yourself and run the female headcanon.
Thanks for your thoughts though. :)
Once again SYOC authors prove themselves incapable of knowing what to ask for. Farla’s side of this is even crazier if she wants to share it.
Jun 13ShawnOfFiction
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/11996384/
Thanks for the warning!
Jun 14iridescent33
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/11960523/
thanks, I had no idea I formatting my dialogue incorrectly!! hopefully its fixed it in the next chapter
Jun 14
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/11998206/
Thanks for the critique! (And the rather long copy-paste but I don’t mind.)
The name capitalization is because every Pokemon name you see there is also their name so they’re all proper nouns. It’s a bit weird but that’s how it is. PMD is a good example of this where Pokemon names are also their proper names as well.
—
That copy paste is too long to copy and paste here so I’ll just ask, where do you see this? I’d like to know so I can fix it.
—
[-\-\-\-/-/-/-
“This whole thing is a simple game to me. An easy one at that.”]
Why is everything after this bolded?
If you mean the action, it’s to separate it from the rest of the story is all. It looks kinda weird to go from bold to non-bold with bolded text above and below. Stupid sounding yes but it what fits.
Jun 14[The name capitalization is because every Pokemon name you see there is also their name so they’re all proper nouns. It’s a bit weird but that’s how it is.]
I get that, but:
[a small orange Pokémon]
^ That’s the general case, and shouldn’t be capitalized.
With the bold thing, you should generally be sparing with bold. It’s not typically used in prose, and is very distracting and eye-catching, to the point it can be jarring. If you just want to separate it from the rest of the story, the scene break markers are fine.
[where do you see this? I’d like to know so I can fix it.]
[“Heeellooo~~ everyone!” Shouted a small orange Pokémon]
[It’s two dreams in one!” She chitters]
And so on. You’re often capitalizing the dialogue tag sentences, which creates sentence fragments.
Oh, that’s what you meant. I thought you meant when I use, say, Buizel constantly. My bad.—[It’s two dreams in one!” She chitters]My eyes are garbage if I didn’t notice this. Nor did Grammarly really but one can’t really depend on a computer program for everything. Don’t worry, I’ll fix all of it.—
Again, thanks for the feedback. And thanks for taking the time to respond.
Jun 14Gamesetri
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/11997866/
Thank you for help with grammer and such. I have made the changes that I think you were talking about. I have kept professor captilized due to the fact that it is Birch’s title, so i hope that this clears up any confusion.
Thanks again.
-Gamesetri
Jun 14
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/11996913/
Dude I thank you for your advice. It’s very sincere but it’s got a very bad aura to it and also I can’t really be bothered to change the content also why did you pick my story out of thousands of others to judge? I am aware of you telling me not to write back but I’m getting similar mail like this every day and it’s REALLY starting to piss me off
Jun 14[why did you pick my story out of thousands of others to judge]
I didn’t.
Then why did you message me…wait you dident pick me or you dident judge me?I didn’t single you out in particular. Check the reviews of stories on the front page if you don’t believe me.Ya know what bro writing was stressing we out and I took offence to one little review so it’s my bad and I apologiseJun 14
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/11929618/
It was only a prologue. Gosh.
No, it was an expository summary. A prologue is a self-contained story.Forget it.
Dimmension TravelerYour review is largely appreciated. In my defense, I wrote this really early in the morning, a half an hour past midnight, but that’s why the dialogue is atrocious and ending is something to be desired. I’ll have to find a Beta reader for the story so it isn’t as bad.
Friendly reminder that you’re not obligated to post stuff as soon as it’s finished. If you wrote it in a sleep-deprived fugue, wait a little while so you can proofread. :)I’ll fix it when I’m not so tired after work and repost it then. Thanks for the critique. ;)Jun 16
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/12001637/
Noted
Jun 16
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/12001049/
If you’d had actually read the story and the disclaimer, then it would have been obvious that this is fan fiction and thus belongs on this site.
Honestly, that’s a bit frustrating. I mean, there are valid reasons to not accept OCs based on characters from other canons. They can be pretty distracting for people who know the source (including the author), for example.
Chara specifically, as you noted, serves as a metaphor about typical gaming behavior, and, as a consequence, doesn’t fit very well in stories which authors don’t want to deal with such themes.
And yet people pick the most inane reason out of them all.
Now I’m curious.
Do you want some sauce with your copypasta?
NGL I did not think the first ban I’d dole out would be for spam, but there you go.
Now I’m curious what you did think you’d dole out the first ban for.
Spoilers, tbh.
… Yeah, that sounds pretty likely.