“I suggest going to a library somewhere around you and finding the Warrior cats and Ranger’s Apprentice series to read. Those will help you with grasping many different forms of emotion and writing, and possibly help you to grow beyond what you currently are.”
(It’s funny because I actually have read Warrior Cats and it is… not good.)
Oct 29Kuro Rakka Shimo
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/12704420/
While your criticisms towards punctuation and capitalization and such are understandable and all, frankly I’m most likely going to continue writing the way I do. I just do what I think is necessary while I’m writing. I’m not aiming to write anything that’ll be published with some big brand or whatever.
As for the pokemon religion or whatever… Nah. While I am a fan of the series, I’m certain that I’m also not going to change things like “Holy Mother of Arceus”, as it is just an exclamatory thing. Out of surprise, mostly.
So, thank you again for the concern, but I’m fine as is.
re: Your review to Mia
Oct 29Hikari Sword
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/12703575/
Must’ve glossed over that world thing when I made my story. Or was thinking too much about something else, like whether or not to categorize it as a “Family” fic.
As for the capitalization issue… my only concern is if I’ll have to suffer consequences to continue doing it the way I do it. (ie story gets taken down or something.) It’s just a habit for me at this point.
re: Your review to Outer-Space Pkmn Adventure
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/12703381/
Remember how I said no comments on how bad my story was unless necessary well i don’t think your comment was necessary
secs agoI disagree. Grammar is always necessary.
2m agoEver heard of people make mistakes? not everyone is perfect you try making a perfect story
secs agoWhere did I ever say I expected you to be perfect? Yes, people make mistakes — all the more reason to teach people how to fix them.
10h agowell the chapter was trash cause I had no idea what to do
secs agoThen maybe you should slow down and think your ideas through next time.
6h agoI did think it through but it did not look as good on the PC as it did in my head.
24m agowell the chapter was trash cause I had no idea what to do
re: Your review to ELEMENT
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/12703649/
Hey, thank you for the review! I really appreciate the grammar corrections you’ve given, and for catching my slip-ups on BBcode and censorship. I’ve fixed everything you’ve pointed out to me, and I’ll read my next chapter over more thoroughly for mistakes.
Otherwise, I’m glad that you’ve enjoyed my fic so far. I feel the same way as you about Japan/Japanese in Pokemon fics, and I’m glad that you think that my fic doesn’t come off like that. I hope to keep up the good work!
re: Your review to From Sinnoh to Johto
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/12704942/
First off, copy-pasting the exact same thing in several different reviews is hardly giving any actual thought to the review you post. I know how to capitalize the correct words, so everything in this theory is not incorrect. I understand that some people believe Pokémon to be a typical noun and not a proper one, but it will always be proper as far as I’m concerned based off of how I both saw and heard it growing up. As to swellow being capitalized in that one single sentence, people tend to put a bit more stress on words that are proper nouns, hinting to the woman not believing in nicknaming any Pokémon.
Secondly, please re-read if you believe the tense to have lapped. Though it isn’t exactly a normal form of writing, the tenses swap back and forth every so often from present to past and back again. Considering you only commented on that single sentence, as well as claimed for the rest of the story to be in past tense, you missed that fact entirely.
Lastly, who said smugglers follow laws? This theory-story was done in first person, meaning from the point of view of the swellow that was transported. A bird has no distinction between legal transporters and smugglers, only that humans are humans. The woman commenting on other Sinnoh Pokémon being brought over as well hints to legal transporting, but in no way tells of only legal transporters doing the job.
If you desire to give constructive criticism, I advise you learn how to read between the lines instead of seeing only in black and white. It would also be good to comment on how things could be changed instead of the “this is wrong, boo for you” approach that you are currently taking.
secs ago[First off, copy-pasting the exact same thing in several different reviews is hardly giving any actual thought to the review you post.]
Grammar mistakes also qualify as giving hardly any thought to what you post. Make a thoughtless mistake, get a thoughtless response.
[the tenses swap back and forth every so often from present to past and back again]
Uh, where? I’ve looked over the whole thing and it all seems to be in past tense. It’s important to keep tenses consistent. Switching tenses arbitrarily is extremely jarring.
[Lastly, who said smugglers follow laws?]
Where did you say they were smugglers? The only information we have to go on is the woman, who acts like it was legal transportation. If they were supposed to be smugglers, you need to make that clearer.
[It would also be good to comment on how things could be changed]
That is exactly what I did.
11h agoWhen it isn’t a mistake, it isn’t a thoughtless anything. Claiming my view on the word is one-hundred percent incorrect is about the same as saying that “1337 speakers” don’t have a language and don’t know what letters are. Also, your saying this can be taken as you being a thoughtless reviewer, since you are calling your response thoughtless.
The fact alone that you can’t even spot the changes is proof that swapping isn’t always a bad thing and can indeed flow just fine. To prove myself, however, here are a few instances from the theory- feel free to scan the story a fifth or sixth time to see that I did indeed know what I was doing.
[How many days, I’m not sure.]
[My eyes wide, I turned my head to see what was there.]
[I wonder if Tailow and Zigzagoon are getting along without me…]
Indeed. I did not say that the transporters were smugglers, no. But must I truly repeat myself? Do you not know how to be proven wrong without a fight? A bird has no way of knowing if a human is good or bad. A bird has no way of knowing if a human is a smuggler or a legal transporter. All you have to go on is that the swellow was in a cage and being moved. The humans who moved it took off right after it left the cage.
I shall say this again: This story was done in the view of the swellow. A swellow would not know what type of person a human is, so it would have been entirely wrong for any other input to be said about them. They were humans, and that’s all.
The woman knowing about some Pokémon being brought over says only one thing for certain: That some Pokémon were being brought over. It does not mean that only one person or company is bringing them over. It does not mean that only authorized personnel are the ones bringing them over.
The gray area, my friend. You need to learn what it is.
And in what way, exactly, did you comment on how things could be changed? All I see is you saying that things were done wrong, according to you. That’s all. You claimed it was needlessly dark and commented on something you have no knowledge about- not feeding animals during transport. Perhaps America has such rules, but what of other countries? Just what do you know of the laws in the Pokémon world? It’s best not to speak of something you have no knowledge of.
In the hopes of you not turning this into a fight, which you seem to be entirely willing to do, I wish you luck in maturing your knowledge and gaining more.
secs ago[This story was done in the view of the swellow.]
So…? You can still hint at the truth even if you’re telling the story from a limited point of view. That’s how good writing works. If your readers can’t understand what’s going on, that’s a problem, and it’s on you.
[And in what way, exactly, did you comment on how things could be changed?]
The entire second half of the review — I forwarded alternative explanations for the phenomena you observed. But, yes, I did disagree with you. Sharing an opinion is the entire point of a review.
9m agoWas the swellow not being fed not hint enough? Or perhaps being crammed into an all too small cage? Or how about the fact that the humans didn’t even bother giving it any daylight. Your argument on this point is entirely invalid. Just because you yourself lack the insight for how this was written does not mean others also lack said ability to see what’s being said.
“The entire second half of the review” was commenting on how things could be changed? Do you not know the English language and how it’s used? Here is the second half that you put:
[This seems needlessly grimdark. Real animals migrate naturally all the time, and given the meta nature of some of the pokemon listings, it’s reasonable to assume the Sinnoh pokemon were just always there in the HG/SS universe. Also, what, they’re not even feeding the pokemon they transport? And nobody objects to this? Even in our world we have laws against that sort of thing.]
In order, all you did was claim that the theory was needlessly dark, comment on how certain animals migrate and attempt to claim knowledge of animal treatment laws throughout the entire world as well as the Pokémon world.
Yes, some animals migrate, but I stated very clearly in the description that this was simply a theory and not in any way a true occurrence.
Please note that you chose to ignore all other points that I have proven you wrong with. At this point, you are attempting to drag this on in what seems to be an attempt to be correct in the end even though you are sorely lacking in the ability to do so due to being wrong.
If you have no desire to mature your ability and knowledge for reviewing, you are doing a splendid job. If you actually do desire to learn more, you should make the attempt to actually gain more knowledge in different areas of writing; genre would help as well.
secs ago[Was the swellow not being fed not hint enough? Or perhaps being crammed into an all too small cage? Or how about the fact that the humans didn’t even bother giving it any daylight.]
Real organizations treat animals like that all the time. And as you yourself have said…
[Just what do you know of the laws in the Pokémon world?]
…it’s a fantasy universe; I can’t assume anything. Thousands of other authors have used this setup to show that their story is in a crapsack world where pokemon have no legal protections. Just because something is obvious to you doesn’t mean it’s going to be obvious to everyone.
29m ago[…it’s a fantasy universe; I can’t assume anything.]
Exactly, so why are you making assumptions? Also, you really should focus on your ability to capitalize properly. Starting a sentence with ellipses is generally incorrect, as well.If real organizations treat animals like crap all of the time, then why did you put in your “review” that laws wouldn’t allow such, to begin with? You are contradicting yourself something fierce.
Honestly, I’m beginning to think you’re lacking in any real ability to make genuine reviews for any sort of story. All you did for mine is use a copy-paste about grammar and put down the story that you failed to interpret. I shudder to think what you’ve mocked for other stories, especially if those other stories actually did need some fixing.
Do yourself a favor and think through what you say. Contradicting yourself when attempting to be above someone else is hardly a good way to show that you have decent worth. Though, attempting to be above others in the first place shows that you’re lacking in self-worth anyway. If you’re lacking in a positive outlook of yourself, therapy can be extraordinarily helpful. If therapy is out of the question, I find comedy shows to be a good way to cheer ones self up.
I suggest going to a library somewhere around you and finding the Warrior cats and Ranger’s Apprentice series to read. Those will help you with grasping many different forms of emotion and writing, and possibly help you to grow beyond what you currently are.
Honestly this was kind of impressive. They just churn out so much nonsense it’s impossible to address it all.
re: Your review to Pokemon -Champion throughout Generations: Book 1 -Kanto
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/12706155/
Hi there! Thanks for the, extensive review. I mean it. English isn’t my main language, and it’s not the only foreign language I speak, so things get tangled up quite a bit. So thanks for pointing out errors and such. I’ll have to be more careful next time. But I’ll be honest, I couldn’t completely understand the ‘Dialogue Format’ part, as well as the speech verbs.
If you could try to explain it a little easier, I’d be grateful. Really.
Also the remarks on the story beginning and summary. I am bad at summaries. I say that in pretty much every summary. I just can’t cram my entire plan, in 200 or so characters . not yet at least. Until I get better, the bad summaries will remain. Unless you have some advice for it. I always take whatever I can get, if it means I can improve. As for the beginning of the story, I just thought it would be an interesting thing to start it off with. You know, since the story takes place in the game’s universe, not the anime or manga. Wanted to stay true to the game, at least in the beginning.
And capitalization. I know some words I capitalized, shouldn’t be capitalized. However, when I’m talking about Pokémon, I do mean to capitalize. Charizard, is the creatures name. That’s the conclusion everyone came to. So I capitalize it. Pokémon, is the equivalent of human. I’m not quite sure what that is, so I capitalized it. Trainer, isn’t necessarily a noun, so capitalizing that was a mistake on my part.
Feel free to correct me and try to explain that properly. I’m here to learn.
And finally, no. I don’t plan to just novelize the Pokémon games. I’m still working out interaction and such, as well as original events, for plot progression. I may be an amateur at this, but even I know writing ‘he lost to the Gym Leader, so he ventured out into the forest, and started grinding, to raise his pokemon’s level’ isn’t really entertaining. But, if you do have some ideas, as to how this story continue, I’m all ears. You know, things that have been done, things that haven’t, or haven’t been done so often. I haven’t read many Pokémon fics, so I don’t know all of that. Mostly because the stories were pretty bad in my eyes, and I couldn’t finish them.
I’m not saying my stories are different. I’m not afraid to say my stories suck. But that’s exactly why I’m asking you this. To try and make my fic an enjoyable one.
So uh, if you read this line, and read that entire thing above, then thank you for taking the time.
If you want to answer or not, that’s your choice.
secs agoThe answers to your questions should be in these threads:
3m agoI thank you good sir/gal.
People don’t usually go this far. They just, tell me my story sucks, and leave it at that. So, thank you very much, for pointing me in the right direction! I’ll finish reading all of this, and begin working on the next chapter properly.
I hope to see you there, without disappointing you!
St Elmo’s Fire,
A new review has been posted to your story.
Story: Blood is Thicker than Water
Chapter: 1. Chapter 1
From: FenixOfTheDark ( https://www.fanfiction.net/u/4643484/ )
Reply URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/pm2/post.php?rwid=255510756
Somewhat interesting, but overall I find it very lacking in the narrative sense.
As another reviewer said, these are pretty much talking heads.
This is someone I reviewed over a year ago. Not sure what prompted this now. I’m really baffled by this criticism — talking heads is something I dislike too, and I took pains to avoid it in the fic. I can’t tell if there’s actually something there or if they’re just making up the first semi-legitimate thing they can think of. This is why revenge reviews are counterproductive, people! You can’t hurt me if I can’t be certain you’re not just doing it to hurt me!
re: Your review to Dialogue Practice
12m agoBTW what did you think of the dialogue.
secs agoIt was grammatically incorrect.
Unless you mean content-wise — in which case, it was a bit choppy and formulaic. The conversations felt very script-like: one short line of dialogue, speech tag, next speaker, repeat. You should vary the position of your speech tags more (here, you made them always come after the dialogue, which looks repetitive) and have more going on in the scene. Characters can doing things and pausing while they talk helps control the pace of the scene and makes the dialogue feel more natural.
That’s a really rough rundown, though. You can ask for more advice here: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/142410565/1/Writing-Guide-Part-Two-Story
Also, you’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.
46m agonone of that had to do with dialogue. Also I always found those tags weird they take me out of a story if there used.
secs agoSorry, wrong thread. Try this one: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar
Oct 31thank you.
6h agoHey Just uploaded Dialogue practice #2.
This one is even worse — the author’s note is a mangled mess that says they want to go into screenwriting so they’re using script format from now on.
1h agoScript format is banned on this site, and, as I already told you, you should not be posting these things to the story archive in the first place. There are writer’s forums elsewhere who will help you with this stuff, but the people here are looking for actual stories.
11m agoWhat did you think of the dialogue.
secs agoTake a hint.
13m agoThere is no hint to take.
secs agoOkay, then I’ll make it clear: STOP DOING THIS. I am not here to coach you on screenwriting, and neither is anyone else. Take your business to another website.
32m agoWHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE DIALOGUE?
re: Your review to Taking Action
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/12705333/
I’ll start by saying I agree with on most of your points.
I had already realized the mistake with all the backstory on the first paragraph. I was considering editing it, but your review convinced me.
As for the change of perspective, I am not familiar with uploading to this site. I had included a line break in the original doc, but didn’t realize that it didn’t carry over when I downloaded the document to http://www.fanfiction.net. I’m honestly glad you pointed it out to me, because I agree that it is abrupt without it.
I know I need to work on how I format speech. I don’t think this is something I can fix right away, but know that I am working on it.
For the capitalizing on the pokemon names (species?), I had saved the names in my spellchecker with the capitalization, so Word automatically changed them and I didn’t notice at the time.
Other points you mentioned are specific to what I want to do with the story. I renamed the rivals because I want them to be their own characters, while admittedly being inspired by existing game characters, I intend them to be different enough to separate them from the source.
I added ‘league’ in front of trainer to hopefully add some distinction to the story. I couldn’t go into this much detail in the description, but simply what I mean by it being difficult is that there is a difference between someone training pokemon and someone being provided a rare starter pokemon, an electronic catalogue of pokemon, and the right to challenge gym leaders and eventually the elite four. So there are still trainers and non-official battles that will occur in the story.
The gloves. If you read a little into the second chapter you can get a hint that they are more unique than anything you can buy in the store. I plan on going into detail later in the story, just know that they will become a big part of the character in the future.
Sorry for the long message, I don’t blame you for not reading it all. Like I said in the beginning, I agree with many of your points and tried to edit things to fix the problems. I am still not familiar with uploading things to this site, and it takes a while for updates to come into effect, so I don’t know if everything came out like I wanted.
Thanks for the honest criticism, I truly do appreciate it.
secs agoIf you’d like more help on your grammar, this thread gives a better explanation: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar
[The gloves. If you read a little into the second chapter you can get a hint that they are more unique than anything you can buy in the store. I plan on going into detail later in the story, just know that they will become a big part of the character in the future.]
Ah, okay. It still feels a little melodramatic, but he is a teenager, I suppose.
[there is a difference between someone training pokemon and someone being provided a rare starter pokemon, an electronic catalogue of pokemon, and the right to challenge gym leaders and eventually the elite four.]
No, there really doesn’t seem to be. There are dozens of trainers in Victory Road, and many more who mention challenging the gyms. And given how big of a production the gyms tend to make themselves, it doesn’t make much sense for them to be a highly exclusive thing. (And let’s be honest, the gym leaders and even the elite four nowadays are hardly people to take seriously in the first place.) And the pokedex isn’t anything special, it’s just the professors using the kids as unpaid interns.
Even if you’re aware of all this and purposefully want to make the gym circuit more exclusive for your AU, I have to say… why? Pretty much the only thing the blank-slate protagonists have going for them is their everyman nature. Making the games’ premise into an exclusive pasttime for ultra-privileged/lucky kids only weakens the story, for me. I’m going to start paying attention to all the struggling little background trainers, because I identify a lot more with them. All those other kids you fight along the way, why don’t they get to be in your special club? Are they ever going to accomplish their dreams, are they ever going to amount to anything? Feels kinda cold.
43m agoI was thinking more along the lines of treating the wild pokemon as a threat. These things can shoot electricity, spew poison, or have claws, horns, and literal blades in some cases. I don’t want things to sound too exclusive, but it’s just to say the league wants to invest in trainers they think can succeed. Anyone can train, but they have to prove a level of competence to be able to access places like victory road. Kind of like the games did with Mt. Silver, not just anyone is allowed to visit that area.
Gym leaders function as testing ground to see if someone is capable of surviving areas with stronger wild pokemon as well as protectors of their specific cities, and a source of experience and education for anyone who wants to eventually apply for the league license.
And like a lot of other fics and such I’m going to say the gyms limit themselves based the skill of who they are assessing. Either they use younger/freshly trained pokemon, or some kind of power dampener device to weaken them accordingly.
My characters aren’t especially unique, it’s just that not everyone wants to travel the country. Some are content staying in their homes and improving at their own rate. Once they meet the requirements to prove they won’t die of starvation in the woods somewhere, then they can achieve the same as my tritagonists.
The divide between us seems to be the gravity of the world. While I’m using the game as a basis for the plot I’m imagining things as more realistic and serious that the games or anime make them. People can die, serious injuries can be obtained, and I’ll be treating team Plasma as more domestic terrorists rather than hardcore PETA. NPC’s can aspire to be more, but for the sake of brevity I’m obviously not going to focus much on them.
I’ve enjoyed the back and forth. If you have other suggestions or doubts I’m open to considering them. Thanks for writing back.
secs ago[The divide between us seems to be the gravity of the world. While I’m using the game as a basis for the plot I’m imagining things as more realistic and serious that the games or anime make them.]
Hm. I guess the thing is, I just don’t see that version of the pokeworld as terribly interesting. Like, if you’ve been in this fandom for any length of time you’ll know this is a common stance for fanfic to take, so I’ve seen a lot of varying shades of it, but… it never seems to go anywhere that interests me, I guess? I dunno, I kinda like how unrealistically soft the canon world is. There are so many grim fantasy stories out there about people fighting against dangerous monsters that Pokemon’s silly idealism becomes kinda endearing just for how different it is. And I’m generally in favor of setups in fantasy setting that make the fantasy elements more accessible, just because it tends to lead to more novel situations — a story where only the elite can use magic may produce an interesting journey for the protagonist, but a story where *everyone* can use magic has repercussions for the whole world, which is what interests me most about fantasy stories.
What it really comes down to is what kind of story you want to tell, I suppose. This thread, though heavily biased in favor of younger and more accessible trainers, has some good discussion on the topic: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/142926917/1/TRAINERS-START-AT-TEN
re: Your review to Master Lovers
Nov 3Erman Bullock
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/12695803/
ok, thanks for you’re input. I still hoped you enjoyed my Pokemon fanfiction.
re: Your review to Raffie & Satan\’s Horn Horns:Banished to Hell Arceus Can\’t Save Us
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/12699584/
What the fuck are you? The Pokemon porn police?
secs agoSure, why not.
Tragically, they did not take the bait.