[18] The Other Pokereviews, Part 80

The author asked me to continue with the gardevoir story, so I did. Other stories were unremarkable.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12733054/2/Luster

I don’t normally do this, but since you asked, I’ll keep reading.

[“When,” I asked.]

The dialogue should have a question mark here. Ending a question with a period conveys a flat, deadpan tone.

[“I don’t see Aster’s pokeball here; is something wrong? I hope you two didn’t upset each other again.”

“Nothing like that,” I assured him. “She probably just wanted to take a walk.”

“Gotcha.”]

Okay, so – is this supposed to show that pokemon can leave their pokeballs voluntarily, and that this is a normal thing to trainers? This goes a long way to equalizing the relationship, but it’d still be a good idea to make that explicit.

[a pokemon and trainer relationship was an unforgivable sin]

Okay, so I brought this up last chapter, but I want to go deeper now. Why is this so? Such strong and lasting social prejudices do not occur for no reason. If it’s truly not wrong and truly does not harm anyone, why is society so against it? It doesn’t necessarily have to be a good or just reason, but there has to be something, some historical context or cultural norms that explain this. This is important, because knowing what those are gives us an idea of what Aaron will have to do to change peoples’ minds, and thus more clearly what challenges he will face beyond a general “people don’t like this”.

Why can’t Aster use telekinesis to prevent the bike from falling over? She shouldn’t need training wheels or anything else; it should be trivial for her to stabilize it. Even if she wants to do it “properly”, I would argue that doesn’t make sense – last chapter established her to be very impatient and impulsive, and for a psychic-type, using psychic powers should feel more natural than physical motion. If anything I’d argue they probably can’t interact well with other things without telekinesis, given their exaggerated body proportions. (They also don’t have much in the way of fingers, so I’m curious how she’s gripping the handlebars.)

…Okay, so then she does just give up and use telekinesis? What was the point of all that, then?

[Back in Fuchsia City, we ate at one of the pricier restaurants, one that allowed you to eat with your pokemon out.]

If pokemon being allowed to eat with humans is an expensive luxury, that does not speak well to the general state of pokemon treatment in this society.

[“Whatever man. It’s your deal. I think Inferno’s gonna be just fine with the nugget bowl though. Isn’t that right?” He scratched the mane of his pokemon, who barked twice, shaking the table with the force of the sound.]

Similarly, this doesn’t look like how you’d treat a person, does it?

[“It’s like you said,” I replied, “Anything beats constant vendor food.]

If that’s meant to read [“It’s like you said. Anything beats constant vendor food.], then the speech tag should end with a period, as it ends the first sentence. If that’s meant to read [“It’s like you said, anything beats constant vendor food.], the “anything” should not be capitalized, as it’s part of the same sentence.

[“You heard Ralph, right? I think he already suspects something is off. I can’t let him see us, you know, in the same bed and all.” I winced at Aster’s frosty expression.

“Lock the door.” She folded her arms. “Set an alarm.”

I couldn’t bear to look her in the eyes. “I can’t let him know. I’m sorry. If he sees us in the same bed, I don’t know what he’d do.”

Aster was silent for a moment before picking up her pokeball. “Fine. Then I’ll just use this instead. That’s what I’m supposed to, right?” She clicked the circular button in the ball, sucking herself in it before I could respond. I stared at the empty space, growing feelings of frustration and resentment and guilt building up to a boiling point. Doesn’t she get it? Doesn’t she understand how I feel?]

He raises a good point; Aster isn’t being a very good partner either. She’s acting like a foolish teenager too hopped up on hormones and infatuation to see sense, and that’s a disastrous foundation for a relationship. And indeed, why *doesn’t* she get it? He’s already given her a reasonable explanation for this, but she acts as if she just didn’t hear it.

[Why was it so wrong? It was completely consensual. She came to me about it, for Arceus’ sake!]

Yes yes you’ve taken Sex Ed 101, very good. But here’s 102: simple consent isn’t the whole of it. There is such a thing as uninformed consent, consent under the influence, consent under duress, etc. I already pointed out last chapter that she is behaving very strangely and erratically, and is therefore not in the right state of mind to enter such a major commitment. You told me in PM that she is a free-range ralts who was not taken from her home or raised in isolated etc., but currently we have no ability to know that this is any different than the standard trainer setup, which carries a basketful of consent issues. You need to show us her perspective and let her reach a greater state of emotional maturity before this holds weight.

[She was poking the mass of noodles with her fork, frustrated with how the noodles slipped out of the space in between the tines. “Here,” I offered, showing her how to do it. I wiped off some of the sauce that had spilled on her cheek, a goofy grin on my face.]

Also… even if you can adequately address all the consent issues, this relationship still looks unequal even if they’re both human. You’re portraying Aster as very childish and essentially needing Aaron to parent her through life, which is… really questionable for a lot of reasons. I recommend watching the video “Born Sexy Yesterday” on YouTube, as it explains this in much more detail than I can give here.

Even beyond that, as I alluded to last chapter, this is not a very compelling romance story so far. Aster is a satellite character with seemingly no motivations of her own; the only conflict right now is her wanting to be in a relationship with Aaron, which is something he also wants. This is why I said this is not truly different from the porn you criticize in the opening: this is just angst porn about how hard it is for a man to fulfill all his fantasies. A romance is always a story with two sides; a romance story where one character is a satellite to the other is just boring. I want to know who Aster is, especially who she is in absence of Aaron, and what she’s getting out of this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12733054/3/Luster

[St. Elmo’s Fire had a few valid concerns, even if some of the statements were from things taken way out of context or mere incorrect assumption. Aster is not a slave here. Pokemon are not slaves in the care of our human protagonist or most of society. My plan was to have you all see that by chapter four; maybe I should have been clearer from the get-go.]

Yes, you really should have.

Sometimes a misreading is just a misreading; but if your intended message is muddled or unclear, that is in itself a valid criticism, and something you can stand to improve. If someone takes away a reading completely opposite to what you intended, that’s a sign you should go back and reevaluate what you’ve written to see if you can make it clearer.

Similarly, intending something does not make it so. I do not doubt your intentions that you want this to be a wholesome story where pokemon are equals, but I can still doubt your execution of that idea. Making a truly equitable Pokemon setting is something people have been trying to do since fanfic began, and we’re still struggling to do it right, 20 years later. Pokemon just has a lot of inherent problems as a setting that take a lot of work to overcome, and that’s the hard truth.

I told you already to look at “Gods and Demons: ad terminos terrae”, as it’s the closest I’ve ever seen to that holy grail. But if you want to see where I’m coming from, you should look at fics that take the setting in the other direction, deconstructions that bring up all the concerns I’ve pointed out. The fic “Lucki” may be worth your time. In that story, pokemon can talk, escape bad trainers, and consent to battles, just like in this story; but those things alone do not automatically eliminate abuse or systemic inequalities. Not all slaves have chains.

[Luster: Aster’s POV]

Oh geez okay. While I’m glad to finally get the Aster POV I requested, combining POV switches with first-person narration is a very very bad idea. Not seeing the viewpoint character’s name all the time isn’t an issue if there’s only one to keep track of, but with multiple, it’s very easy to get confused. Yes, even with characters as distinct as a pokemon and a human. I really strongly recommend switching to third-person limited if you want to do this.

[Of course I had a bed; nests were never a gardevoir’s favorite form of cushioning.]

Why wouldn’t they be?

[It really wasn’t that bad, I was sure. Humans might be a little judgemental, but surely it wasn’t as bad as he made it out to be.]

This just sounds like she didn’t hear a word he said. He literally said they would take her away from him. How does she not understand that? How much clearer does he need to be?

[my Mom]

Titles, such as “mom” or “dad”, are only capitalized when they’re used in place of a name. If they’re preceded by an article, they’re just normal words, and aren’t capitalized.

[long overdo]

You want “overdue” here. “Overdo” means something different.

[I hated getting wet; Life nearby]

“Life” shouldn’t be capitalized here.

[And that blunt sword, Estoc is hitting on every girl he sees. No kirlia or gardevoir is safe!]

Not even the boys? Kirlia and gardevoir can be male, remember. There should also be a comma after “Estoc”, as it’s an aside.

[I think they can handle that idiot,”]

Missing open quote here. I’ll stop pointing out these errors, but you should proofread better.

[“Oh come on,” I said. “It wasn’t that bad. A few harmless pranks here and there, nothing serious.”

“You set his house on fire,” Dome reminded us.]

This is not convincing me that she is emotionally mature enough for a relationship.

[“Days?” I stared at my friend in disbelief. “Just how lazy can you be? Don’t you like flying or swimming like other tropius do?”]

Oh, that’s unusual? I was hoping it was typical behavior for tropius. As plant-types, it would make sense for them to be sedentary creatures.

[“Not every pokemon can do that, you know.” Dad sat down in his chair, arms still crossed like they always were when he was upset. “But you’re a psychic type, Aster. You can visit us anytime you like.]

Yes, this does bring up a problem. So Aster is a free agent not bound to her trainer, very good; what about the many pokemon who cannot fly or teleport? Being free to leave does not mean much if you’re an ocean away from your home, if you even know where you are at all.

[I explained that Aaron had turned me down again with the same old excuse.]

Good grief, he’s told her before and she still won’t believe him? What is wrong with her?

[“Well there are plenty of nice, strong Gallade here for you to pick from,”]

…Or gardevoir. Again, that is a thing. Or other pokemon from the same egg group.

[I remembered when a wild aggron was loose in the area. Fortree City had warned its people to stay away from the area, but he came by to make sure I was alright. The memory of the bloodcrazed steel behemoth still brought shivers down my spine. It had cornered me and a few other pokemon my age and was about to charge when Aaron found us. He got its attention and led it to where Dad and the other pokemon assigned to the watch at the time knocked it out. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t even be alive.]

That’s not a good basis for a relationship. Oh, yes, it’s very grand and in the moment it means the world to you, but a relationship has to involve more than singular grand gestures… and so far, you’ve shown that in the little things, there’s nothing but friction between the two of them.

The impression I’m getting here is that you’ve provided a decent reason for why Aster and Aaron are *friends*, but I still don’t see any romantic chemistry between them. This is the first time we’ve seen Aster express a desire of her own, and it’s a very generic free spirit thing she could get from any trainer – or from just wandering on her own, really. You’ve established that Aaron isn’t even that motivated compared to his friend, and she’s already frustrated at his cowardice and hesitance. Again, what does she see in him? What is he giving her that no one else can?

[“I’ve been giving that some thought too,” I said. “If it really doesn’t work out between us, I still want to explore. I’ve heard of other pokemon doing it on their own; it might not be as quick or as safe than if you were on a team, but I could do it.”

Mom shook her head. “It’s dangerous, Aster. Traveling with friends, a trainer – that’s one thing. It’s entirely a different story when you’re talking about doing it yourself. I can’t allow that, you know I can’t.”]

This also raises an interesting point: why aren’t there pokemon adventuring on their own? If pokemon are this social, they shouldn’t need a trainer to form a large group. Why does the trainer system exist? What are the pokemon getting out of it that they can’t get anywhere else?

[I almost convinced him the other day. But if I can’t…” I took a deep breath. “I’m leaving. I wish you two the best, and I hope you can go far in the league, but I can’t do it anymore. I won’t be ‘just a gardevoir’ to him.”]

Then she’s a terrible person. If you see a platonic relationship as a failure state, you never had enough genuine connection to make a romance work in the first place. I’ve lost all interest in this romance. These people are not right for each other, and their attempts to force it will only end in misery.

Well. Though you’re clearly putting effort into giving pokemon their own society, that’s a double-edged sword: why can they only interact with humans in this contract system, instead of coexisting like normal people? Your depiction here makes them look like humans with costumes; they seem to have the exact same drives, desires, and social structures that humans do. Why, then, are they treated so differently? Why does the trainer get to call the shots? These are the sorts of questions you need to be asking if you truly want to write a story “challenging the dogma that pokemon are inferiors or should be subservient”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12738535/1/Resonance-Book-1

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[AU, OCC, Aura/psychic/OP Ash.]

If you want to write about an OC, just write about an OC, don’t insist they’re wearing Ash’s skin as a suit.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You need to learn how to use commas.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12739522/1/Gladion-in-Detroit

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[His hood hung over the top of his head, and his navy jeans, slightly ripped, were baggy. It was apparent to the town’s locals – he was a nuisance.]

I don’t see what these two sentences have to do with each other.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should double-space between new dialogue, to emulate a paragraph break. Clustering them together looks strange.

[“Hey, calm down. I ain’t asking for trouble, man,” he calmly responded, backing away.]

That doesn’t sound anything like Gladion.

[Gladion darted off, not caring that his Poke Balls had fallen on the ground.]

The man who threw away his life to save just one pokemon doesn’t care that he’s just abandoned his whole team. Really.

[He then found a corner near a stereotypical Detroit house.]

Stereotypical from whose perspective? You should avoid subjective descriptors in third-person narration. Actually describe what this looks like for people unfamiliar with Detroit houses.

[“I hate this,” he said to himself. “First of all, my parents die, and then, I get kicked off Team Skull.”]

He hates his parents, and he was only ever using Team Skull as a means to an end.

I don’t see how this has anything to do with the canon characters, or even the canon plot. If you want to write about an OC, just write about an OC.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12739144/1/In-This-World

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[it was a tiny region, population of about 250 or so]

That would be a tiny population even for a small town. I’m pretty sure there are more people than that.

[The only reason there were movers to “embarrass” you]

When you quote inside a quote, you use single quotes instead of double quotes; otherwise, the reader will be confused about where the dialogue ends. (If you quote inside a quote inside a quote, you go back to double quotes.)

[this Arceus-forsaken region]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

Eh. Though it’s good you’ve provided an actual reason for the protagonist to start journeying, making it all about how the mom is evil because she’s promiscuous looks really misogynistic.

This is also a bit insubstantial for a first chapter (and it is a first chapter, not a prologue). Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. You could stand to tell us more about this protagonist, or at least get them started on their journey. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

And… so this is a Nuzlocke? Keep in mind that what makes for a good game doesn’t necessarily make for a good story. The Nuzlocke rules do not make sense for a serious setting, and don’t inherently make for an interesting story besides. The standard journey story is already incredibly boring; what is really added by turning trainers into callous monsters willing to butcher innocents for petty goals?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12738804/1/The-wish-for-Peace-Love-and-Protection

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Hey there, this is my new story, which I started today. It is about a Trainer named Daniel and a Lucario named Leroy, who defeated Team Plasma and left Unova to explore the world outside. Also they get followed by a Zoroark named Zohor. This story will contain NSFW stuff, violence and injuries. Please rate it and tell me how you liked it. Also I hope my English will be good enough.]

This information should be in your author’s note. The summary should focus more on what the story is about; currently, you don’t give us much to go on other than that it’s like a whole lot of stories. Why should I care about this trainer and this lucario specifically? What is going to happen on their journey? What is this story about?

[It’s been almost two years since Ghetsis and his plan to rule over Unova failed.]

You should say “It has” here, as “it’s” implies “it is”, present tense.

[He and his underlings were never seen ever since, but only them left Unova.]

This is awkwardly worded – I think you mean “only they”?

[his loyal Lucario Leroy, who shares a strong bond with him decided to leave the region to explore the world outside]

This needs a comma after “him”, to complete the aside.

Opening your story with a dry infodump is an instant turnoff. It’s much better to start by showing the characters doing something, as that’s more engaging and gives us a better sense of who they are. If this information is relevant, it should come up organically in the story. (Putting it in your summary or author’s note would also be helpful for anyone confused.)

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

A new speaker means a new paragraph.

[No one knows it, but some Zoroarks are able to read thoughts or Aura like Lucarios.]

You really shouldn’t be introducing new elements at random. If you’re going to do that, you may as well just write original fiction.

I don’t think your English is developed enough for you to be writing stories just yet. In particular, you really need to read up on comma usage and sentence structure. A beta reader may be able to help you; start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12740766/1/New-Pokemon-Adventures-Kanto-Region

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[A new pokemon adventure full of oc’s and lots of fun in the Kanto region]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Don’t post until you have story content. This information shouldn’t be necessary in the first place; if it’s relevant, it should come up in the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12740933/1/Insurgence

[In the Torren region instead of Evil teams they have cults, these cults are known to sacrifice humans to call legendaries from other worlds. With the disappearance of the First Augur, the cults have gotten worse, Join with Wyatt as he goes on a Pokemon journey, fights murderous cults, and searches for any clue about his past.]

This is a jumble full of run-on sentences. You need to slow down and plan out your sentences more carefully. It would also be helpful if you said what game this was based on.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

I’m not too fond of using the term “legendaries” in fic. It’s very much a fandom term, as it’s a shorthand for the canon term “legendary pokemon”. It’s also much too general given the actual range of power of legendaries. Legendaries like Articuno seem to be merely rare beasts, while legendaries like Kyogre are gods.

[“I never call it insurgency. I call it terrorism” -Hamid Karzai]

You should do something to separate this from the rest of the story, perhaps italics or a horizontal line.

[Helios city]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Helios City”.

[without his strength more and more cults have been popping up]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

I admit I haven’t played the game so I’m probably lacking context here, but this seems rather insubstantial for a first chapter. It might be an acceptable prologue, but the point of prologues is that they’re separate from the main story, so you should post a proper first chapter at the same time to give people an idea of what the main plot will be about.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12741341/1/A-Cacturne-s-Traverse

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[I only own the story and it’s OC personalities.]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[It was a favorite spot for Cacturne’s to gather]

Apostrophes aren’t used for plurals.

[Incase you didn’t know]

The general you sounds awkward in third person. I recommend rephrasing this.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

This is really hard to follow. I recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12741363/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Moronic-Explorers

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[How gay cheesy.]

This combination of words is nonsense. What are you trying to say here?

[No sh*t, Sherlock!]

If you’re not mature enough to write swears out, you shouldn’t be using them at all.

“Parody” does not mean “random nonsense”. Memes and random absurdity are not inherently funny. You should try to create a more focused narrative. What aspects, specifically, are you interested in exploring/lampooning about this setup? Or do you just want to make a generally silly and comedic version of the journey? The latter is a valid choice, but it’s not a parody.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12741597/1/An-Alternate-Adventure

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[On the first day of Ash’s pokemon journey, Professor Oak cannot give him an untrained, wild Pikachu due to Pokemon League regulations.]

There are many trainers across all canons who get their first pokemon by chucking a ball at wild pokemon. There’s clearly no such thing as official regulations here.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12741600/1/Powder-of-love-5-the-world-tour-begins

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

Posting chapters as separate stories is banned. Use the chaptering feature.

This is a mess. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12741648/1/May-and-Dawn-Come-Out

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

If you intend to make this into a full story, you should really consider turning these snippets into chapters of a single story. Posting chapters as separate stories is banned on this site.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12741731/1/Failed-File

You should really provide a summary for this.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

Switching POVs within the same chapter is incredibly confusing and, quite honestly, amateurish. Stories are much stronger when they consistently follow a single personality. This is all the more true when you’re writing in first-person, which makes it nigh-impossible to figure out who the current viewpoint character is at a glance. If you absolutely cannot provide all the information you need from a single viewpoint, use third-person omniscient instead. For more information, please look here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/143126539/1/POV-and-You

[‘Thank Arceus I don’t have work today..’]

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

I have no idea what’s going on here. If this is part of a series, you should explain that in an author’s note.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12741738/1/Epic

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Don’t bother asking me what region this takes place in because I have no idea. It’s some sort of mix between all of them.]

That’s kind of awkward, actually, because each region does have a distinct culture, geography, pokemon lineup, and set of plot hooks. Combining them all isn’t really possible. It’s fine if you want to say this is set in your own original region, and that’ll be easier than trying to reconcile multiple different canon regions.

[The streets that once bustled with activity, were empty.]

You don’t need a comma here.

[assuming you’ve just walked through the door]

The general you sounds awkward in this context. I recommend rephrasing this.

Opening the story with excessive description is generally unwise, as it bogs the story down with incidental details. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

[I was approximately 5″3]

If you’re giving height down to the exact inch, that’s not “approximately”. This also isn’t as helpful a description as you might think, as most people do not have a good idea of what numerical heights look like. Just saying she’s of average height is fine.

[So i started up the road towards the busier part of town.]

Keep an eye out for errors like these.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[professor Oak]

When titles are appended to names, they’re capitalized like names. So this should be “Professor Oak”.

[I was simply to shaken up by that to start a journey.]

You want “too”. “To” is a conjunction.

[“O-of course I would!” I exclaimed, “but I thought you said it wasn’t possible.”

“It wasn’t at the time. I didn’t have the proper supplies and conditions. I had no starter Pokemon left, and had given out my last pokedex]

It doesn’t work like that. The starter and pokedex are both special, unique things that Oak gives to you and you only. We encounter tons of trainers without pokedexes who got their first pokemon through different methods. If she wanted to go on a journey, she could have easily just ventured out into the wild and chucked a pokeball at something, as Red did in the manga.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

So do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

I do feel that your writing here is too wooden and simplistic. Not only do you spend a lot of time on minor details, the description is very dry and clinical. I don’t get a good idea of how the protagonist feels about things or if she’s choosing to focus on specific things for a particular reason, which makes her feel rather bland. You should try varying your sentences a bit more, and trimming down on your description to focus on what’s important. You don’t have to describe everything. I’m also seeing some wonkiness with your commas and sentence construction, so you may also want to look at a resource for that. A beta reader may be helpful to you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12741750/1/Ultra-Guardian

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You don’t need to include a bio. If that information is relevant, it should come up in the story.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Your prologue is not a prologue, it’s just the beginning of your first chapter. I recommend reading the last few posts of this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

This is generally incoherent due to grammar errors. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12741751/1/The-Guardian

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

This is a mess. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12741800/1/Moon-and-Lillie-s-Kantonian-Adventure

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[At the dock—Hau’oli City Marina]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[So, this proloue’s a little short, but that’s mostly because I don’t know what kind of story it’s gonna be, trainer, gijinka, or moemon.]

You should really have that figured out before you post anything at all.

3 Comments

  1. Hinebras says:
    So, I took that gardevoir story’s premise and give a little twist.

    https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12752978/1/Gotta-Catch-The-Love

    I don’t know if I went too far. I wanted to go for a deconstruction of that kind of niche of trainerXpokemon stories taking into consideration the points you have addressed.




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    1. Reviewed it. Basically, I feel like it had too much tell-not-show to it; if you look at Unoriginality, Farla’s parodies adapt scenes that wouldn’t be out of place in the reference material, such as the pokemon picking one. I feel that’s a stronger indictment than just having characters discuss the problems with their narrative; your setup is more obviously mean-spirited, and therefore easier to dismiss or refute.

       

      It’s also not quite perfect at being a response to “Luster” specifically, though I’m not sure if you intended that; the story does actually address the entrapment issue, and establishes that the trainer does want to be in a relationship with the gardevoir. More generally, though, it does hit the right points.




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    2. Farla says:

      One thing to remember with this is, no matter how blatant the flip is, readers won’t pick up on it, because of course a pokemon treating a person like this is wrong! There have been stories that had pokemon making humans beat each other up and the moral was that this was sick and wrong because it was a reversal of how things ought to work. People are more likely to read it as an indictment of the more niche genre of dom gardevoirs sexy-raping humans.




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