[20] The Other Pokereviews, Part 87

A 2edgy4me fic by someone who just discovered the pokedex is really dark, a human AU, and something about the Latis from the movie that looks like it might be good if you’re into anime canon.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12763228/1/The-Pokemon-Venture-Adventure

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[We’re watching tv]

That should be “TV”, capitalized.

[“Ok.”]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is okay as a prologue, maybe, but we still haven’t seen how the central premise – Earth players in the Pokemon world – is actually going to play out. I presume their adventures are going to be what the story is about, so we should get some idea of what that looks like here. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12763354/1/Prisonnier-Immortel

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. There are dozens of fics with similar premises; all this chapter does is confirm the genre, not what you’re going to do with it. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12763468/1/100-Way-To-Die-In-the-Pokemon-World

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[The Pokemon world is a much more dangerous place that shown in the game and anime. The only hint at this is really the pokedex. It’s a miracle anybody can even become champion with all the deady Pokemon out their. From Pokemon that can break mountains in a single punch to Pokemon that can literally make black holes, there are hundreds of way to die in the Pokemon World.]

Eh.

There are many people who try to do this, and they so often burn out. The truth is that edginess just isn’t inherently interesting. I personally find the canon world’s bizarre optimism more interesting just because it’s different than the hundreds of edgy action/sci-fi/fantasy stories you can get from any bookstore. Think about what you’ve said – yeah, it would be a miracle for anybody to become champion, i.e. participate in a major feature of the setting if the pokeworld was really this deadly. And… what does that add, exactly? How does it make for a better story if everyone is constantly tripping at the first hurdle and barely anyone can interact with the thing we’re all here for? How can their society possibly function like that?

[Gardevoir was dragged in, so was Don, and the cave. In fact because of their attempt to save their trainer, the black hole was slowly dragging in the whole planet. In a matter of seconds more and more black holes formed as Gardevoirs tried to save their trainers.

Soon the whole entire planet was ripped apart and the blackholes either began fighting among themselves, forming into bigger black holes or searching for more food. The moon never stood a chance, nor did the other nearby planets of Mercury, Venus and Mars. Eventually the solar system ceased to exist as the black holes formed one powerhouse black hole…]

See, this is just ridiculously over-the-top. Obviously the pokedex is exaggerating or outright lying, because obviously this doesn’t actually make sense. I feel nothing from this. You’ve made no effort to build up an emotional connection with the characters, and the death is so sudden and extreme that it doesn’t work as general horror. Sometimes less is more.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You need to learn how to use commas.

[it’s tracks]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12763631/1/The-Mysterious-Trainer

[A mysterious person referred to a competitive pokemon player finds himself locked into the world of pokemon. As he continuous his adventure he quickly becomes The Mysterious Trainer people fear. Who knows what will happen.]

You do, I hope? Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You appear to have forgotten to post your chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12763631/2/The-Mysterious-Trainer

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

This is incoherent. Try harder and get a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12763767/1/A-Mew-Take-on-Ash-s-Kanto-Journey

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12763768/1/Kanto-repeat

Your title needs to be fully capitalized. You might also want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

A new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not doing this makes dialogue impossible to follow.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12763788/1/Spring-on-Mars

[Lucas Mercury’s been waiting for this moment for all his life. Finally eighteen, he can start a Pokemon journey without his mother worrying for him. However, an encounter at Lake Verity changes the direction of his thoughts. Hooray?]

This is a bit vague. Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot, specifically? Try to sell us on the pairing.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[the blonde boy]

You want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12763813/1/A-Lost-Child-of-Altomare

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[I was never given a name. I was never given a home. As rare as I am, I had but one I could trust. My last hope was placed with the only man I believed would understand and be able to help – Professor Samuel Oak.]

This is a bit vague for a summary. From the tags I can infer this is about Latios, but that still doesn’t give me a good idea of what this story will be about, specifically. What’s your plot?

[Thankfully others had left me alone]

There should probably be a comma after “thankfully” here.

[the child’s.. pokemon’s..]

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

[It was good to see the dragon’s metaphoric hackles lower as the room returned to the silence of just the two of us.]

The rest of this section is in third-person, so this should be as well.

Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

I’m not too fond of using the term “legendaries” in fic. It’s very much a fandom term, as it’s a shorthand for the canon term “legendary pokemon”. It’s also much too general given the actual range of power of legendaries. Legendaries like latios seem to be merely rare beasts, while legendaries like Kyogre are gods.

When writing multi-paragraph dialogue, every new paragraph has to start with a quote mark.

[“Ok.. I’d like to go..”]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

The Latis can’t physically transform – their human appearance is a physical illusion caused by light warping. They are still physically the same shape. Personally I find this more interesting than a straight transformation, since it gives them more challenges to deal with when moving around. If it’s vital for the plot that this latios be able to fit in doors and such, you should probably specify that it learned Transform somehow.

This is an interesting premise, and a good opening chapter. I like how compassionate Oak is being; I’d cynically assume that most trainers would chuck a pokeball at the latios as soon as it revealed itself.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12764096/1/Hurt

[Rated for multiple reasons and AU. Title may change later as the story progresses An abused teen boy has trouble making friends when a girl tries to help him. (Summaries are not my strong suit and I apologize for this lackluster one.)]

Hmm… well, to begin with, summaries should be specific to the story. Think about the purpose the summary serves: It’s the first thing your readers see, and is what they use to determine if the story is something they want to click on and read. It may be easier to give a very general overview that basically just outlines the genre, but you should try for a bit more than that if you want to grab peoples’ attention. So, what’s unique about this story? What makes it different from other stories like it?

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[It’s going to be a human AU—and to those who are wondering, a human AU is just as it sounds, the Pokémon have human forms.]

I don’t understand why you’d do this. This makes sense for characters with established personalities, but pokemon do not. There’s some justification if you’re using visual aesthetics (gjinka etc.), but those don’t work well in a non-visual medium. Minor symbolic and visual connections to pokemon aren’t really enough to claim this as Pokemon fanfic, and it’s baffling to come across it when one is looking for Pokemon fic that’s actually about pokemon. I strongly recommend publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top instead. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

…And even if I were inclined to read this sort of thing, I am really not into romance stories where the boy is an unstable abusive jerk who needs a woman’s ministrations to fix him. Romance is a two-way street. The boy needs to give something back instead of making it all about him.

[A teenage girl with pink hair and blue eyes wearing a light blue blouse and white kakis]

Opening the story with excessive physical description is an instant turnoff. Do you see how rushed and awkward this sounds? This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

(Also, you don’t need a comma after this.)

[the girl stood up and rubbed her lower back, “Um…my name’s Dawn,”]

When narration doesn’t describe how something is being said, it’s a separate sentence from dialogue and is punctuated accordingly. Dialogue also ends in a period when it ends the whole sentence. So this should be [the girl stood up and rubbed her lower back. “Um…my name’s Dawn.”]

I’m also generally finding it difficult to figure out who’s speaking in a given line. You should pair speakers’ actions with their dialogue.

[This is rated for a list of reasons which I feel obligated to say in fear of offending people. Abuse, neglect, lemons, language, violence, mental breakdowns, mental disorders—sorry but I’ll be here all day if I say every disorder that will be mentioned—attempted rape and character death.]

It’s less a matter of being “offended” and more a matter of those things can trigger PTSD or just be really upsetting to people.

[I would’ve given the list in the beginning AN, I know it would’ve been easier, and I apologize for that, but I wasn’t thinking clearly.]

You do know you can edit stuff after you write it?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12764202/1/The-Journey

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[you still act like your ten-years-old]

You want “you’re”. “Your” is the possessive. There also shouldn’t be dashes between “ten years old”; those are only for when using it as a noun or adjective, as in “a ten-year-old child”.

[“And you still hate bugs, carrots, and peppers.” Ash teased]

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12764644/1/Me-and-my-little-sisters-adventure

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[What happens qhen your life changes, mysteries are unsolved and stuff. . . idk just read]

If you can’t be bothered to even finish your summary, why should I be bothered to read your story?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12764762/1/Pokemon-Journey-Adventures-in-Kalos

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

All sentences need to end in punctuation, not just some of them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12764824/1/Pokemon-World-Tournament

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not doing this makes your story impossible to follow.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12765138/1/Tempus-fugit

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[It’s more like a rant by an older Ash Ketchum so of course it will be OOC]

It shouldn’t be. You can age a character up while still keeping them in-character. If you really want to write about a different personality, just make an OC.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12764283/1/Pokemon-Academy-Power-and-Soul

[18 students, one dream.]

Numbers must be spelled out when they begin a sentence.

[an Elite 4 member]

The same applies to all numbers less than 13 or so.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[She stood at about 5’4″]

If you’re giving height to the exact inch, that’s not “about”. I also recommend against this, as few people can immediately picture what an exact height looks like. It’s better to use more descriptive terms like “average height”.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

SYOC fic is fraught with issues and obstacles. I don’t actually recommend doing it at all, but if you want to, you should read this thread to be aware of the most common pitfalls: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-OCs

I am particularly concerned about this being a tournament fic, as those tend to burn out early. Battles just aren’t inherently interesting in prose, and it’s hard to get emotionally invested in the conflict when the stakes are this low and this petty. Why do the characters want to win so badly? What will they give up if they lose, and why should we care? These are questions you should be thinking about. This thread has a more detailed explanation: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143300790/1/Battles-Are-Boring

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12765240/1/Alola-relaxation-and-maybe-some-more

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[Christian, retired former Unova champion has finally decided he should retire, after being defeated he decided to move to the Alola region.]

This sentence is really wonky. You need to learn how to use commas.

You do not need to put a massive character bio in the author’s note. If the information is relevant, it should come up in the story.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Joogled (My ripoff of Google)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12765377/1/Tales-of-the-Kumia-Region

[Follow 10 year old Adrian as he adventures through the Kumia region, accompanied by Blondie, a small child with Amnesia. On his journey he meets Alexandria, a member of the Elite 4 who is looking for her friends, and the villainous Team Nova.]

“Amnesia” shouldn’t be capitalized, and in prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

This is a bit vague for a summary. It tells us the genre but not much else. What’s important about these characters you’ve listed? Why is Team Nova villainous? In short, what makes your story unique?

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context. Also, switching POVs within the same chapter is incredibly confusing and, quite honestly, amateurish. Stories are much stronger when they consistently follow a single personality. This is all the more true when you’re writing in first-person, which makes it nigh-impossible to figure out who the current viewpoint character is at a glance. If you absolutely cannot provide all the information you need from a single viewpoint, use third-person omniscient instead. For more information, please look here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/143126539/1/POV-and-You

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Punctuation goes inside quotation marks, not outside. You also need to make a new paragraph each time there’s a change in speaker.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12765530/1/New-Life

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Why are you capitalizing every word?

Non-story chapters are banned. Put this in your author’s note on your first chapter.

This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12765549/1/A-new-adventure-of-Red

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You’ve got coding errors. Preview your story before posting it.

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