Week 1 Pokereviews!

None had reviews when I began and I suspected those are going to be quite thin on the ground throughout the month, so I’ll be noting it if it’s true but not putting down zeros.

This week: still doing “but N! you participate in society! I am very clever!”, still doing redos of Ash’s first day without paying attention to any of the details, still thinking it’s a good idea to throw in talking pokemon, and still terrible porn, but isekais are now giving the self-insert an in-universe backstory as well for maximum boring and people are using AI so their stories can be worse faster.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14416869/1/The-Dilemma-in-Nimbasa-City

[“Hey, N.” Hilda said happily. “It’s been a little while.”]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Despite Hilda’s motivation, her partner pokemon, Servine, struggled against N’s advantageously matched Sigilyph. However, she knew that she could not lose this fight. She needed to show N that he went down the wrong path, no matter what it took.

“Servine, I know you’re tired, but we can pull through. We have to show him what we’re made of.” Hilda called out, recognizing her own selfish motivation. The one thing she never could deny is that he had a point that trainers could tend to be selfish when it came to battling.

N sighed, shook his head and asked, “How could you continue to issue commands to such a battered pokemon? Can’t you tell that it’s tired? Just accept that you have lost.”

“Don’t take the moral high ground here. Who’s the one who hurt Servine just now? And who’s the one that supports-no-leads criminals who hurt both people and pokemon? And I thought you hated battling, so explain this!”

Though he hated to admit it, what Hilda just asked caused N to ponder his next words.]

Okay, so – I realize you’re starting from what canon gives you, and that makes this extremely hard to write coherently. That said, that’s what you chose to focus your story on, so it’s on you to make it work somehow.

Here, Hilda appears to have chosen to order her pokemon to attack in the first place, and is now blaming him for a pokemon willingly defending him from her own increasingly battered pokemon she is forcing to keep attacking. Would this make N ponder? Perhaps. A light breeze is about all it take to make N start ruminating. Is either end of this an engaging argument for an actual story, no. She hasn’t made anything resembling a case, and claiming afterward that N is actually very confident and only her very good point makes him doubt now doesn’t change the argument itself. The fact the battle only actually ends because N doesn’t want to see a pokemon that asked to fight get hurt further only makes it worse.

[his Sigilyph ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[I will see to it, father. ]

Like here, for example, the word is getting used in place of Ghetsis’ name, so it should be capitalized.

[Was he really going against his philosophy simply because a wild pokemon decided to accompany and defend him? Unlike other trainers, he would never force pokemon to battle, so Hilda’s point must be moot.]

Unfortunately, yes. Honestly it’s a stretch to even say Hilda made a point at all. And even less when the conversation ends with her yelling that she’s not selfish and never made pokemon do anything.

If you want to have pokemon treatment and what they want be any sort of dilemma, you the author have to also think about the pokemon themselves. For example, had Hilda wanted to forfeit and her pokemon insisted on continuing, that would both mean something for the overall story and be something it’d make sense for N to be thrown by. If he says he’s right because he only does what pokemon want, then he has no way to handle two pokemon disagreeing about what they want. And Hilda would then have an actual position beyond just getting mad someone disagreed with her and deciding to crush that through violence. Furthermore, she also could’ve been the one to jump in the way to protect her pokemon, instead of N having to care about both side’s pokemon all on his own while she just insists she’s such a great owner and how dare he question it. Her pokemon need to show initiative like those not owned by a trainer, and she herself needs to show consideration like N does, not just think that maybe there’s some problems and maybe she’s a tiny bit selfish and maybe there’s a bit of a power imbalance but if they do what N wants, she and other humans, not humans and pokemon both but the humans who are the only actual people as far as she’s concerned, wouldn’t like it as much as they do how it works now.

It’d also probably have been a good idea to refer to pokemon as something other than just universally

“it”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14417063/1/New-Adventure

Your title is about as good a name for your story as calling it “Story”. Of course it’s an adventure – but what about your own specific adventure story is special? That’s what your title needs to convey.

[I muttered ]
[I wondered ]
[I breathed ]
[I choked out ]
[I pleaded ]
[I whispered ]
[I whimpered ]
[I whispered ]
[I muttered ]
[I gasped ]
[I whispered again ]
[I spat ]
[I whispered ]
[I murmured ]
[I ventured ]
[I replied ]
[I murmured ]
[I began ]
[I gasped ]
[I whispered ]
[I murmured ]
[I whispered. ]
[I whispered ]
[I gasped ]
[I wondered]
[I spat ]
[I muttered ]
[I soothed ]
[I wondered]
[I whispered ]
[I murmured ]
[I chided ]
[I whispered ]
[I wondered ]
[I whispered ]
[I asked ]
[I said ]

I am begging you not to use three dozen other words before “said”. Aim for like half, at least, especially when avoiding it means having your character endlessly whispering instead.

[I pressed on, my fingers tracing the weathered walls, feeling the weight of countless ages beneath my trembling touch. Every turn threatened to lead me astray, to lose me in this maze of decay and regret. But I couldn’t turn back now. Not when I was so close to…to what? Glory? Redemption? Or perhaps my own damnation?]

In addition, your character being unclear what they’re even doing there and what their motivation is isn’t a great opening hook. This sort of uncertainty only has punch when it’s someone the reader thought knew what they were doing.

[“Beautiful,” I breathed, unable to tear my gaze from its hypnotic glow. “But what price will I pay for such beauty?”]

This is also distracting. Really, the whole opening has a strange feel because it’s written in first person but it seems to be trying to present everything from the perspective of a narrator who knows it’s a story and knows this all has to be phrased in dramatic ways and also can’t forget to provide the foreshadowing.

I think it’d probably be a lot less of a problem in third person, and that’d also be a lot more suitable for the level of language you want to use in the narration.

[a Mew Pokémon ]

[But in the darkness, memories of my human life flickered like dying embers – adventures, laughter, the warmth of my family. All of it felt like a cruel dream now. ]

Again: this is the start of the story. No one knows this guy’s life. To set something like this up, you should spend the opening having your character think about how much they love their family and their fun adventures and how great their life is, with their current adventure being yet more of everything going their way, and especially not had rambling about damnation and repentance which implies something has already gone extremely wrong for them.

[Can you understand me?* I projected the thought, hoping against hope. ]

The formatting on this site is extremely finicky, and it looks like currently, you can’t start a sentence with an asterisk. Either you need to make sure to format everything with the dialogue mid-sentence, or you need to check through different symbols to try to find one that will work to start sentences. (Either way, you’ll also need to always check when uploading to make sure it’s still displaying.) [Brackets] are more stable than most other ways, and using italics or bold instead is the most reliable option.

[“”The gem you touched,” Celebi interrupted, their tone gentle but firm, “it grants the deepest wish of one’s heart. But beware, for our hearts often desire what our minds fear most.”
A chill ran through me. “I never wished for this!”
Celebi’s smile was enigmatic. “Didn’t you? Think, lost one. What did your explorer’s heart truly yearn for?”
The truth hit me like a physical blow. To understand. To connect. To see the world through new eyes.
“But this… this is too much,” I whispered, my new form trembling.
“The path to harmony is often paved with discord,” Celebi mused. “Your true self now aligns with your innermost desires. The question is: will you embrace it, or forever war with your own heart?”]

This is also a questionable setup.

Your story is an “adventure”, and there’s going to be problems because that’s the nature of stories. Now, those can be all external and have little internal character change, but that’s a trickier thing to write as an interesting story. This is not only a start where most of their internal problems are already solved, but it’s one that suggest there’s a “true self” that doesn’t change and they just have to make the final step of fully accepting it.

Now, if it was just it was what the character wanted at the moment, then there would be suspense about if new experiences would make them change their mind. Will they still want to be a mew when they start living that life or not? Or it the form they would be most happy with, but external forces may make them give it up in favor of their less ideal but more conventional and accepted original form? Some tension beyond if they’ll be their ideal self happily right now or accept it five minutes later.

[With a final push of mental energy, the snare sprang open. The Vulpix limped free, collapsing at my feet.
“There, there,” I soothed, gently stroking its head. “You’re safe now.”
As I tended to its wounds, a strange sensation washed over me. It was as if I could feel the Vulpix’s pain, its fear, its gratitude. Our minds seemed to meld, transcending the need for words.
“What is this connection?” I wondered, awe and trepidation mingling in my chest.
The Vulpix nuzzled against me, its trust absolute. In that moment, I felt the weight of responsibility settle upon my shoulders like a shroud.
“I’ll protect you,” I whispered, my voice thick with emotion. “All of you. Whatever the cost.”]

Now this does have some potential! But…

[The hiker stumbled into view, disheveled and wild-eyed. “Oh thank God,” he gasped, spotting the clearing. “I thought I’d die out here.”
I made my choice, willing myself invisible. A coward’s move, perhaps, but necessary.
“Let’s get you home,” I whispered, inaudible to human ears.]

So, they’re furious over the trapped vulpix, a creature suffering from the intentional harm done by humans, and assert they will do anything to stop this. Their very next action is to help a human who endangered himself through his own choices leave safely.

Was the hiker the same person who set the trap? Because certainly someone hiking around did, and certainly making sure that humans traveling in this area can do so safely will only make them more comfortable traveling in the area including traveling for the purpose of harming the pokemon that live there.

So – are they actually going to do anything interesting, or just make grand declarations while sticking to utterly uncontroversial behavior?

[Let’s get you home,” I whispered, inaudible to human ears.
With subtle movements, I nudged branches aside, creating a faint path. The hiker, oblivious to my presence, followed the easier route.
“This way,” I urged silently, manipulating vines to block dead ends.
As we neared the forest’s edge, a chill crept down my spine. Was I truly helping, or merely delaying an inevitable collision between two worlds?
The hiker emerged onto a well-worn trail, sighing with relief. “Made it,” he muttered.
I watched him go, an ache in my chest. “What have I done?” I wondered, my newfound powers suddenly a terrible burden. “Am I protector or puppet master?”]

Given they’re having conniptions about if saving this guy wasn’t done perfectly enough, I don’t have high hopes here.

And indeed, while it starts off saying they’ll try to stop people from bulldozing the forest, it seems the actual problem is some guy burning human villages, so they’re a human turned pokemon who announces they’re here to help pokemon but whose quest is actually going to be to fight a conventional villain.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14416927/1/Till-Death-Do-Us-Part

[legendary Pokémon ]

[“I object.”

The crowd gasped as heads turned toward Drew Hayden, who had risen from his seat. His green hair caught the sunlight, and his expression was a mix of determination and anguish.

May’s eyes widened in shock. “Drew?”

Ash’s jaw tightened, his fists clenching at his sides. Brock, Gary, and Paul exchanged uneasy glances, while the bridesmaids looked equally stunned.

Drew stepped forward, his voice steady but tinged with emotion. “I can’t stay silent anymore. May, I love you. I’ve loved you for years. I thought I could bury my feelings and be happy for you, but seeing you here, about to marry someone else, it’s killing me.”]

If you want to do something where this is coming from someone who is meant to be a friend and also isn’t getting kicked out of the wedding afterward, you should consider that you do not have to have it happen in the specific cliché “I object!” way. You could still have a dramatic moment with Drew saying this to her earlier at a better time, and it’d be a lot more interesting to have him do it in a way that showed an ounce of consideration for May and so left an ounce of uncertainty about what she’d say.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14416998/1/Vehemently-Yours-Pokemon-Fanfiction

[I sure was glad to have hadsomethingI could remember- pain. ]

Your italics are borked.

Starting off with a character who knows nothing in a confusing black void is not really very engaging.

[Once I finally stopped screaming, I began to frantically look around, searching for whatever or whoever might have caused that blinding pain in my stomach just now. I don’t know if I was thankful or not that I didn’t end up finding anything that moment, but I sighed in relief either way.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself with a simple trick, one that I had used… hold on a second- how many times have I done that by now? I scrambled to piece my mind together, to remember… but nothing came.

Alright, I don’t remember that single detail- so what? At least I still remember where I am! And with that confident mindset, I exhaled loudly and opened my eyes again, taking in the scenery for a second time, now with a calmer and more collected outlook.

I was sitting under the mouth of a cave, stalagmites hanging over my head… or were those stalactites?]

And speaking of that void, if your character is making a huge deal about not being able to see, they should probably mention light as the most notable feature when it arrives, not just start describing other parts of their surroundings. This is particularly true when it’s very obvious that the character is in a nonhuman body and so wouldn’t necessarily need light to see.

[I am a Pokemon ]

A character starting off not knowing who they are or what’s going on is a mystery, but it’s a very common mystery that usually has some very boring answers, so it doesn’t make for the best opening hook.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14417475/1/Gym-Leader-Number-9

While I like the idea of writing more simply to convey a younger character, this feels way too simplistic. Tommy doesn’t sound like someone old enough to be helping a teacher grade a younger kid’s work. Really, he doesn’t quite sound like a kid at all – he’s definitely more competent than a kindergartner in some ways, but in others he’s far more shallow and unobservant than a toddler. Even little kids still have a lot going on in their heads.

[“You got any more for me?” Tommy asked. Although he really was a bit bored of marking homework now. He had no idea how the grownup girl did it all the time. ]

And then something like this – nothing in his narration suggests he’d manage something so adult as asking for more work he doesn’t want like this, as opposed to a phrasing that makes it pretty obvious that’s what he’s hoping for or, again given his young age, just assuming he’s done. It’s also a bit odd he’s not finishing for a “good job!” by announcing he’s done it all.

Furthermore, it’s incredibly weird he’d view Roxanne as a “grownup girl” and not an adult – why would a little kid be talking about a teacher he seems to respect in such a backhanded way?

[Little Sally Gettsbrook was sat in a corner, cradling her new Teddiursa]

[He was a tall guy, probably the same age as Roxanne or maybe even older. He had a mohawk and a sleeveless leather jacket and there were a bunch of spikes coming out of the shoulders.]

Why is he not a “grownup boy” if he’s about Roxanne’s age?

[“Yeah get him Georgia!” Shouted Jon off to the side ]

[“That guy came and started challenging everyone to a battle,” Rachel said, gesturing towards the guy dressed like a punk. She glowered. “He’s super strong too and he’s been taking everyone’s pocket money as winnings.”

“What!? That’s totally unfair,” Tommy declared. That guy had a Krokorok and they were super tough! Especially against baby pokemon like most of Tommy’s friends were allowed to have.]

Look, the first kid, when nobody knew what kind of pokemon he had? Absolutely a dick move. The fact every other kid on the playground saw not just the pokemon but the entire battle and still thought yeah, I can win this, I’m gonna go for it? And kept thinking that for battle after battle after battle? That’s on them at this point.

If you just want your character to come and be outraged about this, a single battle would’ve done it. You could even have him trying to taunt more kids into agreeing to a battle when Tommy arrives.

[Whiting out was supposed to be horrible but Josh was holding himself together. ]

This is an absurd thing to include. It’s really obvious everyone is fine after losing a battle because they’re still happy to talk to you and this is just a game mechanic.

[It was another grownup coming onto the playground. He was a guy with square glasses over his brown hair and he was wearing a jacket over a sky blue shirt and pants. He kind of looked like a teacher or something with the leather satchel strung over one shoulder but Tommy’d definitely recognise him if he was. ]

It is increasingly suspect that you have now described two other characters as being like Roxanne but they’re considered unambiguously adults and not big boys.

[“Yeah, so what?” The bully asked. “It’s all fun and games innit? What, gonna try and battle me with your eye candy, four eyes? Does that Gardevoir even battle?” He asked snidely, looking the slender Pokemon up and down. “Or do you use it for other things?”

The Gardevoir at the man’s side blushed and turned to press her head into her trainer’s shoulder. The man patted its head absent mindedly, eyes not leaving the bully.

“I try not to use her for battles,” the nerdy looking guy said flatly. ]

Aaaaaaaand there’s our answer: it’s that this is all marinated top to bottom in sexism.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14417506/1/Red-Works (1)

[Red nodded and got the items ready. The exchange of items and money was made.]

If you’re going to do a fic whose only plot is how a mute character does stuff, you should maybe not skip over half of it. Does he ring them up and show customers the display?

[“I’m Yasu!” the boy introduced, “What’s your name?”]

Don’t use a different speech tag just to avoid using “said”. Stuff like “introduced” isn’t actually something you should be using just because someone’s introducing themselves because it doesn’t exactly mean that.

Also, use paragraphs, don’t make everything one line long. For example:

[“Huh, that’s a weird name,” Yasu thought out loud. The boy shrugged. “Well, see you around Hat!” he said before hurrying off.]

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14417702/1/The-Newcomer (1)

Write out numbers with letters.

[In the mans hand ]

Apostrophe for possessive, so man’s.

[But heed my advice. This is not only your victory but your Pokémon. The trust you had in them was immense and therefore you earned this title. ]

Also, I recognize this is largely boilerplate from canon, but you should probably think about how much sense this makes in-universe for people to say to other people, instead of aimed at someone playing a videogame on the other side of the screen. If Brian got this far by caring about pokemon so much, then he really shouldn’t need to be told to be sure to remember his pokemon deserve some credit for the battle they just won.

[The crowd cheers. “Now Champion Masquerade has an offer to you Brian.”

The young boy turns to the champion. “I wish to have an exhibition Champion to Champion.”

The boy bows his head. “It would be a great honor.]

Narration should be grouped with the speaker in paragraphs, and also you desperately need to indicate speakers more often. What you have here is extremely hard to follow. Also, you dropped the final quotation mark.

[his Rydon ]

It’s rhydon.

[Pallet town a brown haired teen 13 ]

If something is a name, both parts of that name get capitalized, so “Pallet Town”, and also you really, really need both to proofread and to find a beta reader to look things over. There’s just far too many typos and minor errors for this to read smoothly.

[“I see, so your not sure about this young trainer?” said the teen. The Pikachu look at him eye widen. “Yes I can understand you. I have a gift to communicate with Pokemon.”]

This is really not an ability to introduce lightly. If he has the ability to understand pokemon and knows they’re perfectly intelligent people with their own thoughts and feelings and wants, yet he treats them little differently than anyone else while going on the standard trainer journey, then it only makes him look much worse than a regular trainer.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14417744/1/The-Celestial-Redo

[The door to his room slammed open and Ash jumped in surprise. His mother stood at the door frame, not looking too happy.

“I’ve been calling for you for so long!” she snapped, less angry and more annoyed. “You’re late, you should have been at Professor Oak’s Lab by now.”]

But this is a huge change.

For whatever reason, Ash’s mother does not wake him, even though he sleeps extremely late. He should be thinking that this makes more sense, because his mother would actually do this, or he should be confused his mother is acting so differently than before, or at least he should look at the clock to discover he’s slept even later and that’s why she felt it was necessary to finally wake him up to reconcile the differences. Yes, from canon’s point of view she exists solely to set this up, but to Ash, she’s not a character so minor she doesn’t even get a name in the original, she’s his mother who raised him.

If the point is simply retelling it, you need to stick precisely to the standard one, because changing details means those details get flagged as important.

From there, the issue becomes that Ash canonically gets there precisely too late for the final standard pokemon. If he’s awoken later, this doesn’t matter, it just means he’ll miss talking to Gary. If he’s awoken earlier, he has no need to rush unless he’s trying to avoid getting saddled with Pikachu. If anything he should drag his feet just to be sure he doesn’t get there a minute too early for that.

Now, admittedly he’s still confused about if he did just dream it all, but the fact he appears to be distressed about missing a regular starter like his dream was a warning and not distressed that Pikachu his best buddy first pokemon might’ve been just a dream does not really make Ash look good.

It’s not like you can’t have him rushing even still. He could just really want to get there to find out if Pikachu’s real or not. But it’s a bizarre writing choice to change all this incidental actual facts, things that should be adding up to actual differences this time around, and yet keep his own reactions identical.

[“I’m not telling you what I got,” Gary said singly.

“Squirtle” Ash stood, “you got Squirtle.”]

“Singly” is not the word you want. “Sing-song”, perhaps, or perhaps “smugly”, it’s hard to tell.

[Something passed between the two that Ash couldn’t quite explain. It felt as if he was reuniting with an old friend. But that made little sense considering he’d only seen Pikachu in his dreams.]

Ash sleepwalking through all this is really not an appealing beginning. This manages to be even less engaging than if you just declared you wanted to write the opening again but with some tweaks, which is already a very boring setup.

Perhaps the biggest factor is simply how incredibly little he seems to care about whether he’s reliving or just imagined it. It is a pretty big deal that he made friends with not only Pikachu but a lot of other people and now that’s all been swept away. Also, he’s been involved in multiple major and even apocalyptic events simply by being there at the right time by chance, and now he not only has to do that again but make sure he doesn’t miss them. Like whether or not he beats the Indigo League this time around, he still has to go a specific pokemon center on a specific day, brave a horrible storm, then kill himself in front of Mewtwo and hope it works this time too.

[“I don’t think we can return to where we came from like we did the last time we were sent to the past. It’s a total reset!” Ash exclaimed. “Maybe a second chance? Maybe we can win the Indigo League this time, and then the Johot Hoenn, Sinnoh, and all the rest! I’m not the same trainer as I was. We both have the confidence and the experience. Maybe we were given a second chance by accident. To do better than how I did.”]

He did fine, he is not a character who made the kind of mistakes that require a reset instead of just applying their experience to their current situation, and again: he is going to have to go kill himself in front of Mewtwo in a few months! And before then he has to reckon with the fact most of his friends are people he also met by chance in weird circumstances and even if he intentionally tries to recreate that, he’s already creeped out Oak by just being slightly too confident. How will it go with Misty and Brock? Or what happens when he’s too competent for the exact sequence of bizarre events at the Viridian pokecenter that makes Team Rocket fixate on him leading them to instead continuing to be competent thieves elsewhere?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14418075/1/Dense-No-More

[“I missed you like crazy May.” Ash confessed. ]

Also, you generally want to have a comma when adding a name in – “crazy, May”.

[the Fresh Snow Pokémon ]

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14418103/1/Stranded-in-Petalburg

[The Pokemon opened its eyes slowly, “Pikaaaa..” it groaned, wanting to go back to sleep. ]

[The pass readGate 4B,and ]

It looks like your italics got borked.

[“Wait! Sir! This pass is for Gate 4B, this is Gate 4D!” she yelled to the trainer and his companion, but to no avail, as he was already down the hallway and entering the plane.

The woman looked at the time, seeing it was already time for the plane to leave. The airport had adopted a policy of not delaying flights without a reasonable cause and the plane hadn’t sold out of tickets, meaning there wouldn’t be a shortage of seats. She had a quick moral question to ask herself. Does she stop both this flight and the correct one to help this trainer get on the right plane, at the cost of facing the wrath of her boss, or does she let it go and let the trainer realize his own mistake?

She pondered the decision for a moment, but not wanting to be disciplined by her boss, she decided to let it go, and continued to close the gate solemnly.]

This is extremely contrived.

You just want Ash to get stuck somewhere – you could accomplish that with a connecting flight where he’s landed in Petalsburg then something goes wrong with getting on the next plane, like weather. Maybe he only even manages to reach this one in time because it was delayed, only to find out upon landing that because of the delay the other plane’s already left.

[He thought back to the events of the night.

11 PM, the night before]

[Present

Ash snapped back to reality]

You really don’t need these labels. Ash thinking back is a perfectly good transition into a flashback, Ash snapping back a perfectly good transition out of it.

[“Unfortunately, I have some bad news to share with you.” the receptionist continued, “The Petalburg City Airport is closing for a week for maintenance and development. You arrived on the last flight coming or going.”]

This is also unnecessarily contrived.

You have him looking at the rainy forecast earlier that was projected through the week. That could have been followed up here by saying that the storm is getting worse and planes are going to be grounded for a while, as well as that major flights like to Kanto don’t run every day, and/or that the ones that are running are booked up and he’ll have to wait.

Also, you probably just shouldn’t have spent a whole chapter on Ash having plane problems in the first place. The point is presumably about getting him to where May is so the real story can start up. A paragraph or maybe two establishing that something went wrong with the flight and now he’s stuck for a bit is really all you needed, then have him doing his flashbacks establishing his feelings about the latest loss on the way toward May instead.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14418115/1/Sweetest-Curse

[a blinding verdant struck me right in the retinas. ]

This is nonsense. A blinding verdant WHAT.

A lot of your fic is overwritten. Even when the words you’re using aren’t straight up wrong, it reads like you’re more concerned with fancy narration than communicating the actual scene.

[A Pokemon? ]

[Also, where in Arceus am I? ]

People don’t swear by Arceus in canon any more than you swear by Omecihuatl.

[Ok, ok, ]

It’s okay, four letters.

Write out numbers with letters.

[The bird said nothing, continuing to gaze at me with a patronising smirk. Before clicking his beak. “Aren’t you a feisty little one?”

“‘Little one’?” I grit my teeth, “Just because you’re what, a metre tall? That doesn’t give you the opportunity to look down on me like this! Now leave me alone, I’ve had a terrible day and I’ve got places to be!”

The bird raised an eyebrow.

“You’re quite smart for a snack, aren’t you? Especially compared to the Bounsweet from last night, who couldn’t even tell her predator from prey.”

I froze mid-step, something I hadn’t thought possible due to the fact that I had to bounce to walk. “W-wait, what did you say?”

“Most of your species aren’t really intelligent enough to understand the concept of being attacked by predators, which secures their spot as the lowest on the food chain in this jungle. I’ve seen a few that can’t even speak properly. But you’re different, you’re much smarter than any Bounsweet or Steenee I’ve ever seen. I hope the Lush Jungle won’t miss you when you’re gone.”]

This really doesn’t follow. Your main character has a lot going on that explains why they’re being so stupid here, but from an outside perspective, they’re the one transparently failing to recognize that they’re about to be eaten. It’s really unearned to have someone say that they’re smart and then go on to claim all the other bounsweet and even steeve are idiots, despite the fact wild pokemon must be capable enough at surviving to keep existing generation after generation. There’s also a disquieting sense this is getting laid out like it’s moral – that of course the bottom of the food chain is populated by things too stupid to talk, that bad things aren’t supposed to happen unless you deserve it in some way.

[It made an unamused expression, “What can you give me that I don’t already have?”]

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14418166/1/May-s-Two-Soulmates (2)

[The blunette coordinator blushes, “We needed air.” ]

And for god’s sake, don’t use words like “blunette”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14418437/1/The-Ditto

[18 Adam, a new Pokemon trainer receives a ditto from a daycare, though this one is different. It can turn into people, talk and keep the same face as the person or Pokemon. Also, in this world, most Pokemon are bipedal and wear clothes. ]

So, I assume there was supposed to be a plus sign after 18. That gets stripped out of summaries. Also, just call it porn and let people work it out from there.

Your summary’s also weirdly undercutting itself – a ditto that can look like a human sounds like it matters normally, but in a world where all pokemon are fuckable furries, what’s the big deal? And if your worldbuilding is fuckable furry why avoid that? Going slimegirl with it would make a lot more sense.

[Adam had just turned 18.

He was finally able to become a Pokemon trainer]

Speaking of worldbuilding, I really wish there was more of it instead of the standard 18 thing. Rules about age are about trying to protect people from getting taken advantage of, not out of some fetishistic obsession with policing how old you need to be to buy a sapient sex toy to rape. (And even today there’s places that get around age with child marriage, so why on earth would anyone care about actual property ownership?) You could have it be that sex toy non-people are expensive and he’d only just finished saving up or anything else. More interesting and doesn’t have the disquieting subtext you don’t understand what the point of age of consent laws are!

[“Hi. Um, I just turned 18 and I want to be a Trainer.” he said nervously.]

[Then, she opened her mouth and started suck on it, licking the head. Adam moaned. He was about to cum. He came, and it blasted down her throat. The girl smiled at him one more time before changing back into a ditto.

“Holy fuck. That was awesome!”

He looked down at his sweaty body and puddle of cum on the floor.]

If something goes down someone’s throat, it doesn’t go straight onto the floor the same as when you’re just using your hand. You should be able to work this out.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14418479/1/Caitlin-s-Special-Date

[You were awesome!” He complimented. ]

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14418481/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-The-RPG

[Jack looked around, his eyes widening as he spotted a sparrow, a creature from his favorite childhood show, scurrying through the underbrush. ]

While it’d be a lot more interesting for this to actually be a pokeworld person who has fond memories of watching ANíMAL, pretty sure you meant to say spearow here.

Write out numbers with letters.

[Than a whole bunch of memories from his old childhood filled his head and he remembered his life growing up in blackthorn city and his broken dream ,of being a pokemon trainer and all the dragons denial during the coming of age ceromony which lead to him being isolated from the clan so he gave up on to move and open a bike shop in cherrygrove city that had success for a solid 10 years but started failing the past 7 due to people starting to use ride pokemon. ]

Seriously, why not just write the story about this guy? Why have all the memories and motivation dropped into the head of a different person who looks identical and who everyone thinks is this guy and who has the same name?

Use spellcheck, and any time it’s a name, Blackthorn City, they need to be capitalized just like Jack’s own name is.

[To his surprise, a mistreated baby Absol twice the usual size popped out. Its fur was tangled and its eyes were wild with fear, a stark contrast to the usual calm and composed demeanor of its kind. The room grew tense as the feral Pokémon’s eyes darted around, clearly having been through trauma. The Absol had been poached from its parents , leaving it scared and alone. The nurse gasped, taking a step back, but Jack saw beyond the fear. He saw a creature in need of a home, of care, of friendship. ]

It sure does. Shame that apparently “poached” means instead of returning it to its home and caretakers and friends, it needs to enter the regular pokemon trade and be handed to another member of the species that did this to it, and of course, the best person for a scared baby is someone who has no prior experience and who’ll be demanding everything from it given there’s no other pokemon to share the work, which also means no other pokemon for socialization, but hey, not like babies need that.

If you want a sad starter under the impression this’ll make him look good, you could’ve at least gone with an older pokemon that’d been rejected. That’d have actually matched his backstory instead of him trying to say that not being popular with dragons is exactly like being stolen from your family, and it’d have made much more sense as a pokemon that a pokecenter worker might’ve thought was better off with a more levelheaded adult than as a ten year old’s starter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14418734/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-A-Trainer-Who-Masters-the-Six-Powers-from-the-Start

Write out numbers with letters.

[At this point in the memories, Ron felt his mind spinning.

From these scenes, he had realized something startling: he had transmigrated into the Pokémon world]

Seriously? You say the other guy has a cliché backstory, but at least he had things going for him. I’d rather hear more about the kid who stabbed someone than this sack of nothing.

[Before the lightning strike, this human had felt like someone masking desperation with madness. Now, though, he exuded confidence—a quiet belief that everything was under control.

For a Pokémon driven by a desire to grow stronger, the second version of Ron was far more appealing]

For an interesting story, though, not in the slightest.

[From the inherited memories, Ron had learned the purpose of this trial: to identify suitable recruits for Team Rocket.

Unlike the Pokémon League’s gentler methods, Team Rocket’s selection process was brutal.

For Ron’s group, each participant had been provided with two days’ worth of food, three Poké Balls, and tasked with surviving a full month. At the end, the survivors would battle, and the losers would face immediate elimination.

Elimination meant death.]

This is also absurd. Being a low ranked criminal is not a career that gets kids lining up for death matches to be part of.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14418800/1/Indigo-Dreams-a-Pokemon-RedBlue-Adaptation (1)

[It had no Pokémon Center nor Pokémart, only a small generals store, and the population was in the double digits. The town, in essence, only served to house the lab. But out of those few people who lived in the town, only two were at the age that they could become Pokémon trainers. ]

If you say that there’s almost no one living there, then it’s not unexpected there aren’t tons of people one specific age and so you shouldn’t use terms like “but” that are for those circumstances. What’s unexpected isn’t that there were “only” two, it’s that there’s two whole kids the same age instead of one or zero. “But despite there being few people, there were two kids who were the same age and would set out to become pokemon trainers today.”

[But today was not a usual day, far from it. Today was the day he’d finally be able to get his first Pokémon and start his journey. ]

Also, if you’re doing something game-focused with Red and Blue and needing to find the professor on Route 1 and so forth, there isn’t a set day or age. Red would be excited because Oak has suddenly decided to hand him a pokemon, not because Red’s been waiting for a specific date or because he wasn’t allowed to touch pokemon before this.

[Blue bust have been up to something. ]

[Him saying hi wasn’t trying to be greedy… ]

[Blue xplained. ]

Must, he, explained. Proofread and spellcheck.

[“Well, that’s just why you gotta train,” Leaf said. “and become the one ahead yourself!”]

If you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”

[Red already had this planned out. “Well, I’ve narrowed it down to two names, Ignis or Blaze. I’d ask Charmander what he thinks, but I don’t think he’d understand… or y’know, be able to tell me what name he like better.”

“Oh, you’d be surprised,” Leaf said with a grin. “Science is truly incredible… here, take these?”

Leaf reached into her bag, and pulled out what looked like an ordinary wireless earbud case. ]

Oh no.

Without speech, a pokemon would still be completely capable of getting across that they prefer one name over another, don’t care, or hate them both. With speech, well, you have an enormous number of issues that don’t fit at all with a fic sticking relatively close to canon, because nothing in canon works if pokemon talk. The only thing you can do is have them be mindless cheerleaders whose dialogue is a waste of everyone’s time and exists only to pad out your story, because if they have their own actual desires and thoughts, a storyline that revolves around the trainer making all the choices breaks.

[“Alright, Ignis. It’s time for some training! You ready?”

“Yeah!”

“Sounds good!”

Odd, thought Red. It kinda sounded like he said ‘yeah’. But it also sounded like it came through those earbuds I forgot to remove… wait.

“Oh, also? What do you think about the name Ignis? I’m pretty sure it means fire in ancient language.”

“I like it!”]

And indeed, mindless cheerleader communicating nothing with this gift of speech.

Imagine though, if you had a fic that started out making a big point of being yet another pokemon journey adaption of the games only to go completely off the rails once the pokemon speech kicked in. That’d even fit with the business about it being this being some new tech that isn’t even supposed to go public for a year, because once this actually is out in the field, it’d be enormously disruptive, but Silph doesn’t know that yet because they finished the program last week and slapped it onto their existing smart earphones yesterday.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14418854/1/War-of-Champions (Single spam)

I feel this is really underestimating just how fucked up it is to get summoned and told you’re in a battle royale to the death. Also, I get the impression you want it to actually be a big ending battle but you don’t have anything against murdering other people early.

(Also, surely someone should’ve asked if this is a setting that normally has an afterlife that they’d be forfeiting by agreeing to this, or if ceasing to exist upon death is universal. That’d also make the aspect of a choice make any degree of sense, since right now Arecus is only saying you can die now or in ten years.)

[“Let it go,” he said, his voice firm. “We don’t need it.”

Wraith tilted his head, clearly puzzled, but stepped back, allowing the Taillow to recover. The bird shot them a wary look before taking off, its wings beating a hasty retreat into the trees.

“We’re not just collecting tools,” Elros explained, more to himself than to Wraith. “We’re building a team. Every choice has to count.” Elros did not intend to go the route of catching lots of Pokemon early on. He intended to carefully craft his team and prioritizing quality over quantity. If by the time he reached the masters tournament and had a hundred Pokemon but each one was very weak, it would not mean anything. It would be better to build a smaller, more compact team, maybe 12 Pokemon maximum and get them to a level where everyone of them are monsters in their own right.]

That’s absurd reasoning. If you want your character to have to be picky, then you need in the ruleset that you’re either only able to catch a certain maximum number or that there’s some mystical force that controls leveling or whatever is making him think that if he has a hundred pokemon, that means he actually raised a hundred pokemon and not that he raised six and has another ninety-four untouched in storage. Your ruleset is already a bunch of random stuff that exists only to set up the exact interactions you want, so use it consistently.

[Here’s a revised and more fitting start to Elros’s conversation with Nurse Joy, aligning with his cold and calculating nature. ]

Are you using prompts instead of writing?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14418896/1/pok%C3%A9mon-infinite-fusion (Speaking of prompts, this appears to have one of those spam art offers fused with a genAi attempt to sound like the fic was actually read.)

Capitalize your title correctly.

[Leaf will get her game cannon Bulbasaur and a Torchic, Blue will get his game cannon Squirtle and a Turtwig, Yellow will get a Tyrogue and a Chimchar, and Red will get his game cannon Charmander and a Frokkie. ]

Canon. Cannon’s the thing that fires cannon balls.

[As a small aside, the DNA splicers will be ray guns with fusion animations reminiscent of Potara.]

That sounds like something you should be describing when that happens.

Stop using semicolons everywhere.

Do not hit enter in the middle of a sentence.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14419100/1/Ocean-of-Reeds

[the Pewter city gym ]

You should always capitalize all parts of a title. So it’s Pewter City gym (or possibly Pewter City Gym if you’re treating the gyms as being important enough for proper names of their own).

[Conditioned air beckoned down his back. Pausing gave him a moment to appreciate the small town that he entered earlier that day as the air conditioning lapped on his back. ]

You also probably shouldn’t be saying the same thing twice.

This is weirdly worded – “against” instead of “down” would probably be better. “beckoned down” is making me think of it flowing down like water, especially when you’re also saying it’s lapping instead of puff or buffet or anything airy.

[a curious Jigglypuff ]

[Everything about that was weird and it seemed to have bothered him more than anybody else. It seemed to be a joke among the trainers around the area, with the only pair that he scolded for not helping brush him off. ]

Huh.

So we know the kid’s weird because the narration’s being weird around him, but now this is suggesting the world at large is weird. I can’t tell if this is just trying to be meta about how events go down in canon or if it’s a clue – if the former, I’d suggest doing something else because it’s confusing to mix things that are meant to be important with easter egg references.

[Red relaxed at the familiar face. It wasn’t that weird seeing the kid again. Because of how small the towns in the western part of Kanto were, they relied on each other a lot. Mount Moon was a serious obstacle, but the locals knew alternative routes that could be used to get around quicker. Those routes also weren’t recommended by the rangers for having more aggressive pokémon. It all fit together in Red’s mind. The kid was a local who had his parent’s pokémon when he needed to travel for supplies. When he finally went on his journey, the practical battle experience would serve well just as it did for Red.

Why didn’t Red go through these back routes? Because that wasn’t part of the journey. Who took shortcuts when the journey itself was the reward? Duh.]

This does seem like something worth explaining, but it doesn’t work very well to combine a more convenient shortcut (which yes, does sound reasonable for Red to choose not to take) with it having more dangerous pokemon that make it extra challenging, because then it sounds like that’d exactly the kind of journey someone excited to become stronger would want. It’d make a lot more sense to say the alternate quicker routes are also clearer of pokemon – plus, on a worldbuilding level, it’d be more reasonable to say there’s fewer pokemon in areas with higher amounts of human traffic.

And when later, it turns out the kid doesn’t seem to have his parent’s pokemon, it wouldn’t quite rise to the level of impossible yet.

[The nearest that he’s been to losing (at all! He’s been a lossless trainer!) was all the way back at Mount Moon where they were more numerous and hiding in dark gaps. Since evolving, Charmeleon had been essential in beating pretty much any adversary that Pikachu couldn’t fight against. ]

This doesn’t make much sense either. The adversaries Pikachu can’t fight are ground types, with ground/rock being the worst. Electric’s not great against grass, but it’s not nearly the disaster of ground and pikachu in particular have good enough attack they can just smack grass pokemon with normal moves. This would make a lot more sense if you gave Red a different starter/had your protagonist be Blue or Green instead for the other starter.

[It was beginning to drag on his nerves. When did the fights become too intense? At what point did he accept that Team Rocket was too big of a threat for him to continue his journey? The grunts weren’t giving him trouble, but continuously getting his journey interrupted by them suggested they weren’t a random gang with piddly resources (reminiscent of the Argonauts, a gang that lasted two years whose only rule was that they could only train ghost pokémon, ‘scientifically’ the best since they had only one weakness and multiple ineffective attacks. It was made of disgruntled college kids who couldn’t pay for their books and ended when the leader was expelled and fell into depression. Kids even in the current day call each other ‘Argonauts’ as slang for being useless.) ]

Team Rocket were a well known group that’d been around for generations. The flash in the pan enemy teams come later.

So again – is this supposed to be as unreal as the kid? If that is the idea behind how Red seems stressed by how they exist at all, I think it’d be better to more clearly depart from canon rather than have them appearing in the same places doing the same things. And if not, he really shouldn’t be treating the two as about as existentially unsettling. The bits with the kid are decently eerie, especially with the sense he’s inescapable, but it’d stand out a lot more if the rest of the world was extremely grounded and sensible. Right now, the kid’s being weird and stuff’s happening around him that doesn’t quite make sense, and if Red’s just trapped in a nonsense world regardless, it’s not quite as creepy as the idea that his life is being changed because he’s attracted the kid’s attention – in that case, he theoretically has an escape route but it seems like it’s not actually possible for him to do, which has a lot more tension to it than just that it’s the way things inherently are.

[Time stuff in pokémon games is super loose and I’m going to be loose with it too don’t hate me. ]

Mm, I actually think it’s a lot more coherent than people usually think in the original – there’s a bit of trainer dialogue that can be used to indicate how long it’s taken you to get from one area to another, it’s just that everyone assumes the games are going by really fast because even a kid’s casual playthrough won’t take that long on any given area.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14419114/1/Witch-Battle (AI spam)

Also, this really doesn’t read like it’s pokemon fic at all. Given the magic system is all just a setup for porn, I don’t know why you spent so much time on making one that’s such a poor fit for the fandom.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14419302/1/ghost-of-a-chance (spam)

Capitalize your title properly.

[“Greetings young william! Have you decided upon your pokemon partner for your journey?” professor Oak asks warmly.

“Yup. I’m taking charmander.” William rumbles.]

In addition, you need to capitalize people’s names, including titles when they’re part of a name This should be:

[“Greetings young William! Have you decided upon your pokemon partner for your journey?” Professor Oak asks warmly.

“Yup. I’m taking Charmander,” William rumbles.]

[“Greetings young William! Have you decided upon your pokemon partner for your journey?” the professor asks warmly.

“Yup. I’m taking the charmander,” William rumbles.]

[“Well charmander is a powerful starter and charizard is legendary for its strength. Wouldn’t you rather have that than a simple litwick?” professor Oak asks.

“Nah. Charizard is cool and all don’t get me wrong. Chandelure is more my style. Ghosts use tactics and effects to win. Charizard might be strong but if you face something stronger than your bones. Chandelure will have a more varied move pool and thus more options in a fight. Fear the smart fighter more than the strong fighter after all.” William rumbles]

This all sounds so much worse than if he just liked the pokemon. Speeches from a character like this are also awkward and overdone. Stop trying to tell people your character is so good and rational at pokemon and just focus on showing them actually doing a good job at being a trainer.

Also, just use said.

Dragon Quill

Writing With Scales

Week 1 Pokereviews!

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