A neat oneshot about the Lake fairies, a decent SuMo novelization, and a lot of incoherence.

Anime count: 5

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13081809/1/TITLE-ERROR-PLEASE-REBOOT

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammar Girl or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[he would find out what.]

This sentence is missing a capital.

Chapters need more than an opening quote.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13081946/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Adventures-in-High-School-New-England-Dreams

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13082415/1/What-Uxie-Knows

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammar Girl or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate you using neutral pronouns for the legendaries.

Underlining for emphasis looks strange in prose; italics is standard.

[the other Kami]

Importing Japanese words also looks strange – there’s no reason not to simply say “gods” if that’s what you mean.

[Before hand]

You want “beforehand”, one word.

[The telepathic voice returned to normal “and so on.]

Since the narration here doesn’t describe how the dialogue is said, it’s its own sentence. You also need a special marker when interrupting dialogue like this. [The telepathic voice returned to normal. “…and so on.] would work.

[whatever its reasons were, they must have been important.

But I was curious.]

And when dialogue is split across multiple paragraphs, you need to add a start quote on every new paragraph (but no end quote until it’s all finished).

This is cool. I like stuff engaging with the legendaries and how they interact. It sounds like because Uxie knows everything, it believes there is no free will? Or is this a meta-reference to them being inside a game – a scripted setting?

While it’s a reasonable mythological trope, I do feel like it conflicts with Azelf being willpower – if there is no free choice, then Azelf’s existence is just a cruel joke, isn’t it? I feel like Azelf’s power implies there is free will. It would make sense for the two of them to each believe the opposite, but this ending seems to imply Uxie’s view is the objective truth, which feels unfair to Azelf.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13082515/1/Big-Brother

Already got them. They’re still centering anything so reading is more trouble than it’s worth. However, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13082673/1/Cybersun

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammar Girl or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon species. However, the word “pokemon” itself shouldn’t be capitalized either for the same reasons, nor should “tapu”, which isn’t even capitalized in the official media.

[Lea, I’ll come back for you, I promise!”]

Missing start quote here.

[It turned to look around the path, trying to see if anyone could help him.]

Is Gil an “it” or a “he”? Be consistent with pronouns.

[“It is not my place to interfere in the relations of Pokémon.” Koko told Gilgamesh.]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[A way of knocking out two pikipek with one Rock Throw.]

Pokemonizing idioms sounds awkward – the exact phrasing of idioms is arrived at over long periods of linguistic evolution, because they are pleasing to say. Substituting in other words doesn’t work – this has too many syllables and doesn’t flow right.

[On the Mahalo Trail, in a small corner tucked out of sight of most of the people who walked the path sat a young man. His brown hair hung messily around his head. He had a black tee on with shorts and shoes. By his side rested a bag with tools hanging out of it. A screwdriver was held in his left hand, which was pale as snow as his cloudy grey eyes focussed on screwing open a panel on his right hand’s wrist. His right hand was made of metal, but had many servos working as joints. The silver painting reflected the light that shone through gaps in the leaves above him. He put the screwdriver down and tested his hand, moving each of the fingers to make sure everything was still connected after getting a nettle stuck in a servo in one of his fingers.]

I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with description or exposition is actually not a good idea. Readers don’t actually need to know this stuff just yet to enjoy the story; things like how the character acts and what they’re doing matter much more in the long run. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

This is actually pretty good overall, because he’s doing something during the description and the prosthetic is an unusual and important detail. But the individual sentences of this paragraph still feel awkward and disconnected. This might have more impact if you were vague about what he was doing, dropped some subtle hints (maybe while describing the rest of him), and then suddenly blindsided the reader with a casual description of his hand. A lot of sci-fi stories do this; it’s a great way to emphasize how this thing the audience sees as strange is a normal part of the characters’ lives.

[But to avoid the never ending barrage of questions about why he had been given a cybernetic replacement instead of someone else in the world, he had learnt to hide it from the people of the world.]

Are people really that dickish? I’d imagine most people would just go “Wow, cool!” Most prosthetic users complain about people constantly asking how they lost the limb, which seems more likely. Is this a dark setting where everyone knows someone who suffered a crippling injury, and there is a lot of resentment about resource inequality?

[“He looks just like a Kahuna!”]

Errant capital here.

[“Please, my Pokémon flew across the other side of Plank Bridge! It has no moves to defend itself with if it gets attacked! Please, I can’t cross it, I really can’t…” the girl trailed off, her eyes lowering in embarassment as her legs quaked in fear. Elio shrugged and internally rolled his eyes. He had only been here a day and he was already being asked for help by the locals. Mom had drilled it into his head that people would always need help, but a random stranger on his first day in Alola, when he was just supposed to be looking for someone? Just his luck.

On the other hand, if this lady was the kahuna and he refused to help her, that would put him in a bad spot to start with.]

This makes Elio look absolutely awful. It’d be one thing if she was asking him for a petty favor, but a living thing is in danger and the girl is clearly terrified. Yet he’s only motivated by the thought of this having consequences for him personally?

Would he behave differently if this was a mother asking him to find her lost child?

[ignoring that the honedge had just wrapped it’s cloth around his forearm.]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”. Also, doesn’t that vampirize the person? Or are you waiving pokedex data as bunk?

[thanking the Gods]

Only the Judeo-Christian God is capitalized, as it’s his name. When talking about general gods, it’s uncapitalized.

This is decently written, but feels lacking in emotion. Elio seems like a very cold person; so far, he has only taken actions based on the rationally optimal course of action and makes all his decisions pragmatically. I’m dubious that such a protagonist will be enjoyable to follow. If you do mean for him to have more depth, it might be better to extend this chapter so we can get a better view of his character.

Which leads me to my next point – this is a bit insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is mostly just rehashing a scene from the games – so, something we already know – with only minor additions. There’s a new character, but I have no idea what his significance is meant to be or how any of this will change the plot. If there’s a particular theme or idea you’re planning on exploring, it’s a good idea to make it prominent in your first chapter so people can use that as a benchmark for if they’ll like the rest of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13083039/1/Liberation-of-Pokemon

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammar Girl or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[A group of human hating Pokemon end up being responsible for creating total liberation of Pokemon from their trainers and trick a human who can understand them to help them.]

While I am normally in favor of more informational summaries, this seems like a bit of a spoiler. If you plan to have tension over if the pokemon will succeed, this spoils that; if the story opens with them winning and is more of a “now what?” scenario, it’s better if you say that more explicitly.

[human hating]

This needs a hyphen between it, like all compound adjectives.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice. Titling the story is similarly redundant.

[which they did very quickly surprising Spencer.]

This needs a comma after “quickly”.

[What was going to happen to Spencer now? Who were these pokemon and why were they behaving like this?]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

This writing is rather simplistic yet confusing at the same time – it’s hard to tell where the viewpoint is supposed to be, and you give very little information beyond immediate events. I recommend reading a few published novels to see how you might flesh this out a little.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13083120/1/Melancholy-City

Author with several failed SYOCs already who refuses to learn. Blocked me during the SYOC experiment.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13083600/1/Another-Experiment

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammar Girl or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or teleporter.

[Bill shouted excitedly.]

This is a redundant adverb. You may hear writers talk about “weak” vs. “strong” adverbs – “weak” adverbs are ones that can already be assumed from the base word, and thus don’t add as much to the scene. Adverbs carry more oomph if they’re not what readers expect, and saving them for those circumstances will make them stronger still. In this case, that he’s excited is already obvious from context, so “excitedly” is redundant.

[“That, milady, is my Teleporter!” He said proudly.]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

…If this is a fetish thing, you should probably rate this T, not K+.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13083749/1/A-Traveler-s-Guide-to-Pokemon

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammar Girl or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story. Even for a short pamphlet-style description, this is a wall of text.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13084228/1/Pokemon-The-Battle-for-Pokemon-Master

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13084806/1/Sinnoh-s-Heir

Blocked, previously encountered. No story is actually posted.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13084942/1/Forbidden-Love

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammar Girl or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[This is a story about a girl and her Greninja how they lived through countless tragedies but still got through them and ended together]

This sentence needs punctuation.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is generally messy and hard to follow. You should read up on grammatical resources, or get a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13085059/1/A-Roll-in-the-Mud

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammar Girl or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself. However, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

[Extreme content warning: Bestiality, inflation, evolution mid-sex.]

…Isn’t Lillie also extremely underage? If you’re aging her up for this, you need to note that somewhere.

Lillie seems an odd choice for this, given her nervousness towards pokemon. It wouldn’t make such a story impossible, but if you don’t want to engage with it it seems like another character, like Moon, would be more fitting.

Hybrid responded to this by saying people totally assume underage characters are aged up so they don’t need to say anything, because she wants this author to get harassed into suicide.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13085141/1/Crimson-Legends-Chapter-1-Highland-Legends

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13085289/1/A-Darker-Rebirth

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammar Girl or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Is this Pokemon Reborn fic? You should make it clear whether or not people need to be familiar with it to enjoy the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[the man bdegan using]

Typo.

[“Just to be sure, for gender, I should put..?”

“Female, sir.” Frankly, I am quite offended that the guy has to ask about my gender. Do I not look like the graceful lady type?]

It’s actually surprisingly considerate that he’s asking; she could be trans, for instance. It can be rude to assume.

[That doesn’t sound right, the poster I looked up and that ‘Ame’ person said that Reborn was a wonderful place.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[my 7 siblings]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[I’ve been looking for Pokemon Leagues other than the Kalos one, because like I said, he’s the champion, and I know I couldn’t win against him. He is too powerful, and very much invincible.]

It’s a little weird for the protagonist to be totally resigned to this. You’re portraying her as quite driven, so why can’t she even conceive of the possibility she could beat her brother? (And, yes, there are sexist implications here too.)

[Later on the train…]

[*flashback*]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[it’s…face?]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[“..!”]

This is a visual art convention and doesn’t work in prose.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. You end right as the story actually begins – but in the first chapter, before we’ve had a chance to get invested in the plot, that’s just an abrupt cutoff, not a proper cliffhanger. Most of this chapter is just going over information any player of Pokemon ought to know already, and establishing the protagonist as having a very bland and generic motivation.

Relatedly, your prose is extremely sparse. You don’t describe Ame at all, for instance. It reads like you’re transcribing a movie script rather than telling a story – there is almost no emotion behind anything beyond the protagonist’s most superficial reactions, and no imagery at all. This is common when authors are more familiar with games or movies than books, but prose is a very different medium and you should practice more with using it to its fullest. Many published books are great examples of how to do this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13085329/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Marshals

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13085587/1/Suiren-s-Story

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[a group of it’s kin]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[blue haired]

Like all compound adjectives, this should be hyphenated.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13085645/1/As-The-Stars-Flew-By

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammar Girl or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

This is very nice. I get a good sense of who May is even in this short section, and I like the description of them traveling back across Hoenn. I’m just a little disappointed it’s the boy who gets to be the champion while the girl has to live in his shadow forever.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13085642/1/Pokemon-AGE

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[The following explosion generates a huge dust cloud to form around the Pokemon.]

You are correctly not capitalizing pokemon elsewhere, but you did so here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13086013/1/A-Date-with-Dragonite-CharizardXDragonite-Sweet-Romance

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammar Girl or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

It’s also probably a good idea to double space when switching to a new speaker, since it’s a new paragraph.

[and on this one day]

Missing capital here.