A lot of decent but not terribly remarkable stuff. Also, another fic of humans in pokemon costumes.

Anime: 12

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13150068/1/Lady-Serena-and-the-Nutcracker-Prince-Amourshipping

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13150123/1/Draconic-Beginnings

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Sevenways is the only review.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13150243/1/Pokemon-Elite-Academy

Blocked, new user. Sevenways is the only review.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13150443/1/Rising-Stars

Blocked, name looks familiar but I don’t see any reviews of mine.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13150998/1/Pokemon-The-Story-of-Ash

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[Ash, full name Ashlere, she was a baby when Delia and Ryan adopted her.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[With outstandingly beautiful brown eyes and shiny jet black hair, she made the Ketchum couple pour all their love on her; she also has a pair of sideways lightning-shaped birthmarks underneath her eyes.]

This semicolon is technically correct, but awkward. Semicolons should link related clauses, but these are completely separate ideas. It would probably be better to make them separate sentences.

[He was going to fast]

You want “too”. “To” is a conjunction.

[Everytime Delia sees Ash,]

You want “every time”, two words, and the rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be too.

[“I’m terribly sorry, but… Your husband… he died by slipping off the cliff on the road back to Pallet.” The officer paused since Delia was paler than a sheet of paper, but he went on anyways. “When his body was found, he was still clutching onto his bag, his bag that contained your daughter’s birthday present.”

Ryan was worried that Delia and Ash would be worried about him, so he sped up his pace of arriving home as much as possible. He was going to fast and his feet eventually surrendered, causing him to slip off the cliff; the way he was clutching onto his bag… even in a situation that would cause his death, he protected an inanimate object so Ash won’t be sad when she receives it to find it broken.

Delia managed to bid farewell to the police and close the door. As she slowly sat onto the couch, she snapped into tears and sobs.

Ash shifted from her spot and stopped in front of her caring mother, she placed her tiny hand onto Delia’s knee only to earn a harsh slap across the cheek.

“It’s all because of YOU!” She screeched. “YOU!”

She dropped back down and continued to sob, forgetting that she too, was worried sick last night and blamed everything onto the child she and her beloved husband had cared for as soon as she turned up on the doorstep.

Ash lowered her head and bit her lip to not make any sound while Delia beats her; mommy is just too shock, she just needs to release herself, everything would be alright.

It was never alright afterwards. Everytime Delia sees Ash, she was reminded of Ryan and would always beat her up with no apparent reasons; sometimes light, sometimes severe.]

And this is just ridiculously melodramatic.

[it felt closeby and then faraway]

Similarly, “close by” and “far away” should be two words here.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“We NEED to find it, Arceus knows how rare that Ralts is!”]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.

[“So she originated from the Hoenn Region…?” Ash questioned.]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

You have a lot of errors here. I strongly recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13151422/1/The-Pokemon-Journey

Blocked, new user. Sevenways is the only review.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13151451/1/A-Change-for-the-Better

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13151763/1/It-Starts-with-You

Blocked, previously reviewed. SYOC.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13151959/1/Pokemon-Kiryshom-Region

Blocked. No idea, but check out their profile. Wow.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13152031/1/Pokemon-Fantasy-FanFiction

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[Just a Fantasy Pokemon Fanfiction i’ve been working on for fun. Totally made up world and characters. Please enjoy and give me any feedback you have. Thanks Guys!]

This sort of meta information should probably go in an author’s note rather than a summary. Summaries have very limited space, so it’s generally better to use them to hook readers by explaining your story in more detail.

Centered text on the first line will be thrown off by the chapter dropdown, so you might want to think of a workaround. Maybe add a horizontal line before it?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[but his Dad did]

Similarly, titles such as “dad” are only capitalized when used in place of a name. When they’re followed with an article like this, they’re common nouns and uncapitalized.

[The streets were empty except for a young man and his Absol slowly walking toward the sound. He was tall and thin with a tan complexion. He had a small scar over his left eye, and more from burns on his arms. His short dark hair would be uninteresting if it wasn’t for the streak of white hair on the right side of his head and a streak of black on the left. He wore a commoners shirt and pants with thick hide boots.]

So, description is tricky to do in an engaging way. Notice how these sentences do absolutely nothing to advance the narrative; you’ve brought the story to a screeching halt to tell us these things, and you’re going to jerk us back into motion just as suddenly in the next paragraph. These sorts of “start-stop” moments are things you should try to avoid. Though it’s difficult, you should try to incorporate description into an action, or wrap it in imagery that’s thematically relevant to the character or scene. Give it layers, basically.

(Also, typo with “commoner’s shirt” missing an apostrophe.)

[One man in the corner with a pointed nose, sly smirk, and neatly combed hair, was driving rivets into a leather shield.]

The last comma isn’t necessary here, I believe.

[“Morning Ethan,” He said]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Absol looked sleepy up at him.]

Should that be “sleepily”?

[Absol couldn’t speak but Ethan always had an idea of what he was thinking; Ethan smiled slightly.]

This semicolon is technically correct, but awkward. Semicolons should link related clauses, but these are completely separate ideas. It would probably be better to make them separate sentences.

[Ok Mom]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[Chapter 2]

Posting multiple chapters in the same document is against the rules. It’s best to use the chaptering feature to divide the story neatly.

[As Arceus could no create the universe alone, he]

Arceus is genderless. Calling it male is sexist and reinforces the harmful notion that male is the default.

[created 3 pokemon]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[There is one other we do not speak of, he is the master of the Underworld.]

No, it’s the master of other dimensions. Just as Arceus is not the Judeo-Christian God, Giratina is not Satan. There’s no indication it’s disliked or evil by the populace, and certainly its only act in canon is to save the world. For possibly selfish reasons, yes, but it’s hardly the god of evil.

[He takes many shapes but he is most often seen as a figure in a black hood.]

The pokemon appears as a human?

This is really just confirming what I’ve felt all throughout this chapter, which is that this is really just an original fantasy setting that uses pokemon names for things. That’s a perfectly fine thing to write, but it’s really not pokemon fanfic, because you’re not engaging with the actual unique traits of the setting. You could swap out the names and just call this a fantasy setting where everyone has familiars or something – there are lots of fantasy settings inspired by pokemon that look exactly like that. It would probably also benefit you to come up with your own pantheon, because trying to unify the very obviously separate religions in the pokeworld produces an incoherent mess.

[Arceus is believed to have created others to help maintain order. Some control the elements and weather. Others move continents across the oceans. And some,” She looked over at Ethan, smiling. “Some were created to uphold truth and ideals, Zekrom and Reshiram. Two ends of an extreme spectrum, Yin and Yang.”]

Like, seriously. These things have nothing to do with each other. They’re completely separate myths and concepts for completely separate cultures and stories. Trying to link them all together paints a picture as nonsensical as Shin Megami Tensei’s attempt to link all real-world religions together.

I also strongly recommend getting a beta reader to help you with the grammar errors I pointed out, as you have a lot of them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13152157/1/Chase-Pok%C3%A9mon-Jumpchain

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Sevenways is the only review.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13152213/1/Snowy-Peaks

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13152289/1/The-legendery-one

Blocked, new user. Only reviews are Sevenways and someone complaining about the grammar.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13152594/1/Melemele-The-Untold-Stories

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[I based this mostly on the Ultra Sun/Moon games with a sprinkling of the anime thrown in.]

That’s a bit tricky, because while the anime and games ostensibly share characters, their personalities are completely different. It might be good to say exactly what anime elements you’re including so that people unfamiliar with the anime won’t feel confused.

[“Thanks for helping me look for Nebby,” Lillie said, “I didn’t mean to drag you out of the Malasada Shop for this.”]

This only works if you mean for the sentence to be “Thanks for helping me look for Nebby, I didn’t mean to drag you out of the Malasada Shop for this.” Narration aligns with dialogue for formatting purposes, so you end a narrative sentence before the next sentence of dialogue if you mean for them to be separate sentences.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Verdant cavern]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Verdant Cavern”.

[She nodded in agreement, “I’ll look around the graves.”]

When narration doesn’t describe how something is said, it’s its own sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [She nodded in agreement. “I’ll look around the graves.”]

[The ivory-skinned girl]

This is an awkward epithet. When you are writing a story and refer to a character by a physical trait, occupation, age, or any other attribute, rather than that character’s name, you are bringing the reader’s attention to that particular attribute. That can be used quite effectively to help your reader to focus on key details with just a few words. However, if the fact that the character is “the brunette,” “the trainer,” “the older man,” etc. is not relevant to that moment in the story, this will only distract the reader from the purpose of the scene. If your only reason for referring to a character this way is to avoid using his or her name or a pronoun too much, don’t do it. You’re fixing a problem that actually isn’t one. Just go ahead and use the name or pronoun again. It’ll be good.

[Daggar-like, yellow teeth]

I think you want “dagger”.

[“What’s going on?” He shouted]

Dialogue formatting rules remain constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“What’s going on?” he shouted].

[“No!” Hau dug into the pouch and found only one Pokéball. Hau wiped his eyes and gripped the two-toned orb tightly. He was waffling between going back to look for his Pokémon or helping his friend. There wasn’t much of an argument against doing the right thing, but it stung nevertheless.

Lillie turned around]

If you’re shifting POVs, you need to use a scene break marker to tell the reader something’s changed, or else it’s too abrupt.

[The grassy field was clear of both people and Pokémon.]

To be clear, you understand this is saying pokemon are not people?

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Cliffhangers require the reader to already be invested to keep going – that means they’re not a good choice for a first chapter, which must be spent investing your readers in the first place, especially in a serial medium where you have no guarantee people will come back.

The writing of this is decent, but a little stilted – I think you focus a bit too much on overdescribing things and using fancy words when a simple one would be more appropriate and less distracting.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13152920/1/Finding-Her-Way-Home

Blocked, new user. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13152985/1/Pokemon-Hunters

Previously reviewed, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13153189/1/The-Aura-Wars-Return

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13153545/1/The-Prince

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Her mother didn’t seem to notice and said, “oh]

Dialogue is capitalized when narration leads into it.

If you use horizontal lines to separate your author’s notes, it can be confusing to use horizontal lines for scene breaks too. You might want to look into a different scene break marker.

[…no, mama]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13153638/1/Little-Bones

Previously reviewed, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13153766/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Dusk-till-Dawn

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[people and Pokémon still live cooperatively]

Just to be clear, you understand this is saying pokemon are not people?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13154003/1/Dream-of-Becoming-the-Very-Best-Ash-Betrayal-Aureliashipping-Story

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13154192/1/Just-A-Hoax

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[So, I guess I should start talking about how my day’s been going. I’m still getting bullied for being a “nerd”. Apparently, having glasses makes you a nerd, even though I’m just an average kid. But, some people do understand the crap I’m going through. It’s a pretty small friend group, but I’m part of it. Anyways, it seemed like people today were in a better mood, probably because Christmas is only a month away. I got through the day without being bullied, which is surprising. You’d think this would make it a good day, but at lunch today, one of my friends, Leah, told me something pretty scary.]

This really doesn’t sound like a diary entry – it sounds more like how someone would talk to another person. Diary entries are really hard to use as a story format, because people don’t often write them like stories. They’re private notes, so people tend to be very informal, skim over details, and make impenetrable in-jokes – it’s not actually a great way to get a sense of how things actually happened.

If Samuel *is* a very specific brand or super nerdy, he *might* purposefully choose to write his diaries like George Washington’s and just give bland, factual accounts of the day, which could be helpful for giving us a sense of what happened and also his character, but he wouldn’t be writing in this conversational manner if he did that.

I think it might be better to either have him say this to his parents, to justify the conversational tone, or have him think it to himself in narration, which is also an acceptable way to convey exposition to the reader.

[Leah, like me, is also a social outcast, because she’s a quiet girl. The reason I didn’t know until today. Apparently, her mother left her grandma to marry her father. But when Leah was an infant, her parents died in a car crash, and custody of her was transferred over to her grandma. So her grandma abuses her and doesn’t let her do anything because she thinks she has the blood of her mother and will one day abandon her.

I was shocked, to say the least. So that’s why she was always quiet: both at school and at home, it was a nightmare for her. She says she’s tried to call a Child Abuse hotline, but her grandma gave her extreme punishments for that. I’m planning to come over to her house and see how bad her grandma really is. Well, if I can pull off a lie to get into her house.]

This part is a more reasonable fit for a diary entry, but is wonky from a narrative perspective, as it’s falling hard into “show don’t tell” territory. It’d be a lot stronger if we were to directly see this stuff from Leah’s perspective, especially since it’s a little strange a kid would open up about all these dark secrets at once.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13154418/1/Pokemon-Unbreakable-bonds

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[ we have 2 minuets to go]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

This is very spotty, with excessively simple sentences and lots of grammatical errors. I recommend getting a beta reader to help you, and looking at published books to get an idea of how to structure prose writing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13154690/1/TO-ALL-THE-BOYS-LOST-IN-FORESTS

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[Nothing happens to you when you’re a country kid, mostly cause you’re in a tiny town]

“’cause” requires an apostrophe in front, ’cause it’s a contraction.

[by the time I realized I shouldn’t be able to breath]

That should be “breathe”, I believe.

This is really evocative, and gives a beautiful sense of fairy-tale horror that I love in Pokemon horror pieces. I’m a bit unclear what happened at the end though – the kid died in the forest, but then they appeared outside of it and were fine? Is the idea that the forest revived them, and changed them into something else?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13154881/1/I-Dream-A-Dream

This isn’t tagged as anime fic, which means people searching for it can’t find it. That’s unfortunate! Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13154964/1/How-to-Open-a-Closet-Rewrite

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Charmander’s mother-Chariza-said]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Speaking of Ms. Jynx…did you know that for a while, she was black?” Charmander asked.

“Oh, really?” Squirtle asked back.

“Uh-huh! She’s supposed to be biracial, but for a while they made her look black instead of how she normally looks.”]

This is a complete non-sequitor. Pokemon should not have any concept of this.

Posting multiple chapters in the same document is confusing and also against the rules of this site. You should use the chaptering feature so people can navigate more easily.

[Minor, un detailed wet dream at the last paragraph.]

I feel like the level of detail already pushes this up to M. Also, enh, doing this with first-stage forms is a little weird, as they have very child-like appearances and are commonly coded as child forms. If you’re casting them as adolescents, it might be clearer to make them second-stage.

Also, this doesn’t seem to have anything to do with pokemon. Everyone is acting like a human; I don’t even recall seeing any reference to animal body traits. If you just want to write about high schoolers, you can just write about high schoolers.

This was deleted and reposted. “Constructive Criticism is greatly appreciated! Please, feel free to review. :3”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13150952/1/Adventures-of-an-Angsty-Wartortle

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Referring to pokemon as “PKMN” looks really weird and awkward; it’s very obvious the games only do that due to space limitations, and not because that’s what they’re actually called.

Also, you wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[First time writing something without the intend of writing]

I think you want “intent”, not “intend”.

[And I hate the rain, because I’m a Water-type PKMN. Yes, I hate it. I’m the weirdest Water-type PKMN you’ll find outside. Do you know why? Oh, really? Well, I’m a Wartortle. Yeah. And I dislike the dumb rain, just as I dislike being trapped in this weird cave, without anyone near to help me.]

This is confusing – the first sentence says he hates the rain *because* he’s a water type, then he says he’s weird for being a water type that hates the rain. Then he seems to say the reason he’s weird is because he’s a wartortle, which doesn’t follow to me.

The idea of a water type hating rain is an interesting one, but I think it requires more explanation. I’d love to get more idea of their physiology, what water means to them, and why one might dislike it. Maybe wartortle are saltwater, and so they dislike the fresh water of rain? Maybe industrial pollution is adding impurities to the rain that, as water-types, they’re sensitive to? Maybe it’s a sensory issue thing, and this particular wartotle might like being immersed in water but hates being touched by tiny drops? Details like this would help flesh out the character and world.

[I’m hearing things in the cave that, I’m starting to get worried on.]

Something seems to have gone wrong with this sentence, I don’t understand it. I’d recommend rewording.

[“He’s such a male with me. He gets mad at you because you act like an idiot,” she replied.

“…a male?” I asked, confused on her answer.

“It’s just a metaphor, oh my Lord Pidgeot!”

“Hm… weird metaphor.”

“Thanks. He is a male though… a good one…”

“Eww, disgusting.”]

Is this really necessary?

[I was a f*cking Wurmple.]

If you’re not willing to write out swears, you shouldn’t use them at all. Censored swears just look silly.

You have several grammar errors throughout this. I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you with those. Additionally, the story is very jumpy – you spend a scene in decompressed time, with immense detail given to the surroundings and implying the character will have a hard time getting out, then just jump to summarizing the rest of their afternoon. That’s a weird progression that disrupts the flow of the story. I’d recommend reading a few published books to get a sense of how scenes are typically constructed.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Right now, I still don’t have a good idea of who the main character is or what the story’s going to be about, and the chapter feels more like it’s been cut off than that it ends at a satisfying point.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13155236/1/Ash-Ketchup-s-Random-Nonsense

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

A new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not doing this makes your dialogue impossible to follow. Even in a trollfic, you have to make sure your story isn’t a chore to read.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13155287/1/Nixie-s-Hoen-Adventures

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[Feeling homesick since her move from Johto, Nixie does not expect things to go smoothly in her new town. In a matter of days, though, she has a pokémon friend and a mission to travel this new region. What awaits her on the road ahead, she can only guess.]

Yes, and so can we, which doesn’t provide much incentive to check out the story. What’s unique and interesting about your story? Summaries should tell us more than just the genre.

“Hoenn” is misspelled in your title.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Apparently the local news crew wants to interview Petalburg’s new gym leader.”

She glanced at a clock on the kitchen wall. “It should air in about ten minutes. If we hurry, we might be able to catch it.”]

These should probably be part of the same paragraph, since they have the same speaker. Though it’s true you’re supposed to make new paragraphs for new lines of dialogue, that’s actually an extension of the standard rule that new subjects get new paragraphs, and new speakers are new subjects. If you’re describing another action of the current speaker, that’s the same subject, so typically it stays in the same paragraph.

[I guess I did go a little over board]

That should be “overboard”, one word, I believe.

[A pokémon is attacking him!!]

I generally recommend against using multiple exclamation points unless you’re going for a tongue-in-cheek tone. I can understand thinking they convey more seriousness and tension, but they actually tend to do the opposite – multiple exclamation points make people sound hysterical and deranged, which can push things over into silliness. Terry Pratchett’s “Masquerade” has some useful commentary on this.

[people and pokémon]

Just to be clear, you understand this is saying pokemon are not people?

[Nixie hoped this was not a case of Boy Who Cried Beedrill.]

Hm. Interesting choice to not make it a wolf pokemon, but I’m curious what that story would actually look like. The premise of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” depends on our cultural tradition of pastoralism and the specific problem that wolves present to that. What model would create a similar situation with beedrill?

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[It doesn’t look like its giving up]

Typo.

[Underneath everything rolled 3 tiny balls.]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[the paniced questions]

Typo – that should be “panicked”.

How does Nixie know the torchic is male? Did the pokeball have specs?

This is a perfectly decent novelization of the opening, but I am concerned the story won’t have staying power. Pokemon isn’t well-suited to novelizations, you see. It’s very much a gameplay-driven game, with the story just an excuse to get into battles which, while cool in a game where you’re actually playing through them, are not interesting to read about. I’ve spent many years seeing attempted novelizations breeze through the opening and then immediately flame out as they discover they don’t have a plot. If you want to make a story out of it, you’ll need to diverge heavily from canon and introduce a ton of unique elements of your own. Notice how the anime and manga did this, and note also that they were still visual media that could fall back on cool, flashy battles, while you won’t be able to. Do you have some unique spin on the game’s plot, some unusual interpretation of the setting you want to explore? Try focusing on that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13155321/1/Oliver-the-Legionnaire-s-Son

Previously reviewed, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13155367/1/One-Last-Day

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

This is nice. I like N with passion and drive.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13155514/1/Adamantine

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13155726/1/4-Years-Later-Returning

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13155734/1/Candice-s-Christmas

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13155914/1/White-Gold

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13155978/1/Uplift

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[but they were prone to malfunction thus we battled the trainer’s pokemon while waiting for capture it also gave us a chance to prove our worth.]

It looks like a conjunction got dropped from these two clauses.

[He dismounted him on the road scanning for something.]

It looks like there should be a sentence before this? “Him” doesn’t refer to anything here.

[I nudged my mate as she as one of the brave ones that tried to attack the dragonite up close. She also took the full force of the hyper beam. Her body didn’t move even as the herd had escaped the burning forest.]

Why is it always the woman who dies in these situations?

How is eating meat “unnatural” for pokemon? According to pokedex entries, they eat each other all the time. How would animals even have a concept of “unnatural”, anyway?

[A pichu rushed forwards unheeding of my orders. “Mama.”]

I’m really confused what’s going on here – it seems like the trainer sent out one of the pikachu he captured then, but there’s no line mentioning this. Did it get deleted somehow?

I don’t feel like there’s much to this – it’s just torturing a bunch of pikachu for no purpose. I’m not clear if you’re trying to make a point about pokemon training being messed up or not, because if this is what it looks like I have no idea why they’re being so polite to the trainer initially and so excited to get chosen. Pokemon ought to have lives and purpose outside of pokemon training; they were around before trainers existed, after all. It’s possible that the human takeover is so complete that they’ve totally lost all independent culture, but that’s an incredibly depressing thought, and I doubt they’d be so gung-ho about it in that case.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13154203/1/Roads-Unwalked-A-Champion-s-Path

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[temperatures fluctuated wildly, setting on centigrade spikes that dwarfed Mount Silver]

I find this description a bit over-the-top – it’s sort of too technical and literal to be taken seriously. A temperature reader can’t possibly be literally bigger than a mountain, so this just sounds hyperbolic.

[The camera rolled with a flash of lightning, followed by a sickening CRACK]

“Sickening” strikes me as a strange description here – that’s usually used for a visceral sense, like breaking bones. I’d describe a thunderclap as more of a sharp, overpowering sound, like cracking stone.

[People in Viridian have been ordered to stay in their homes with windows shut and doors locked]

They haven’t evacuated yet? You’ve said the storm has been going on for days, and it makes real hurricanes look tame. Did it descend too suddenly for an evacuation, and now retrieval is impossible?

[“Get us in closer, Captain! Over.” She spoke into her walkie-talkie to the pilot.]

I feel like this would work better with the narration in front, since it’s giving us a visual of what she’s doing.

[“Copy that, ma’am,” He replied]

Typo here.

[Like one of the elite 4]

“Elite Four” is the name of an organization, so it should be capitalized. Numbers should also be written out in prose.

[“Pallet town, sir, Lance sir!”]

“Town” is uncapitalized here.

This is an exciting opening, and I like to see trainers using pokemon for non-combat applications. I’d recommend toning down the description just a tad, though; right now, it feels a bit overwrought, with long and verbose descriptions that distract from the quick tension of the scene. Ideally, the tone and structure of narration should match the tone of the scene and narrator.