[24] The Other Pokereviews, Part 156

I’m back! Nothing interesting so far, unfortunately.

Anime: 10

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13645523/1/Apprentice-of-Time

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[After the original Dailga died]

Misspelled name here.

[recently deceased teenager Charles Jenkins was resurrected to take their place, it won’t be easy but hell try to succeed.]

Typo, and this is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice. (The dropdown will also throw off centering for the first line of text in the story body, so keep that in mind.)

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Charles’s arms, legs, ribs and spinal column were shattered upon impact. He hadn’t hit the floor by the time his heart ceased its beating, and Charles Jenkins stopped thinking.]

So, I need to ask you something: Who is the narrator in this story? Is it an omniscient narrator separate from Charles himself, who can be this dispassionate about events? Because if not, if this is supposed to be told from Charles’ own perspective, this matter-of-fact narration is very jarring. This reads like you’re describing this horrific event happening to someone else, and in a very clinical manner at that. This doesn’t sound like someone experiencing this pain themselves. The adage “show, don’t tell” comes to mind here – if you want to describe this, you should use it to create empathy for Charles’ suffering. (If you don’t, it’s best to do a sort of “smash to black” cut, where Charles is killed instantly and doesn’t know anything that happened.)

[As a warning, young sir, no other human in this world is able to understand me, so you shall have to act ignorant of what I say in the company of others.]

Why? Are you going to get into the “freak without a human heart” thing with N?

Additionally… talking pokemon are an enormous can of worms you shouldn’t open unless you have a very good explanation for why one group of people is being owned by another group of people. If a character understands pokemon and you write them like they’re human characters, then it is monstrous that they’re treated like property. It doesn’t matter if they feel like playing at kindness toward the ones they personally own. This isn’t something to throw in just so they can wallow in how very special they are. Anyone halfway decent would recognize they have a responsibility to dismantle this whole system.

[Pewter city]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Pewter City”.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[Also, any ideas for low level Pokémon for Jennifer to have.]

You really shouldn’t crowdsource this stuff. If it’s important, it should be integrated into the story as a whole, and only you know how to do that.

I’m not clear why the protagonist needs to be from our world, or why a human needs to take over for the role of a pokemon. “Arceus selects a random human to be the Chosen One” in general is a really tired plot that doesn’t make a lot of canon sense, as the pokegods never make direct contact with humans (in the gameverse at least) and seem to be very eldritch and unpredictable in general. Plus if Arceus created Dialga in the first place, I don’t see why it can’t just pop out another.

Having a protagonist from our world actually seems to work against the plot you want to have, because if he’s familiar with anime like FMA and Jojo, I don’t understand how he doesn’t know about Pokemon.

If people want to read a high fantasy Chosen One plot, there are dozens of regular fantasy novels with this plot already. Why make this about Pokemon? What does this add?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13645484/1/A-Toxic-Journey

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[“Magnemite, use Thunderbolt!” A woman with long blond hair and blue eyes wearing a yellow shirt under a steel grey jacket, blue jeans, and a pair of white shoes ordered.]

This is a really awkward way to introduce description; you’re cramming too much information into one sentence. If the description isn’t relevant to immediate happenings, you don’t need to mention it.

(Additionally, you want “blonde”. “Blond” is the masculine form. Blame French.)

[A steel ball with a single eye with magnets on its sides and three screws one on top of it and two on the bottom looking like feet]

This is also unnecessary – everyone reading this already know what magnemite look like.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13645458/1/Pokemon-Rebooted

[Dawn sleepily muttered]

It’s generally not a good idea to add adverbs to speech verbs for routine dialogue. If you want to paint a scene, it’s better to convey her sleepiness through dialogue or action.

[First, her Piplup was nowhere to be seen, almost like he had disappeared entirely]

Missing punctuation here.

[The question remained; Why were things so strange and confusing for her?]

You want a full colon here; semicolons are only for joining two complete clauses.

[Thanks mom!]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13645453/1/Pokemon-The-Future-Son-in-Law

Your summary is cut off.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Your grammar is very odd and hard to follow. Are you not a native speaker? You should look for a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13645373/1/The-Fighter-and-the-Sun

[Ash and Roman passed the trainer exams as the youngest to ever do it. Both at a tender age of 13]

…Ash, and all other Kanto trainers, are 10 in canon.

[First story, will probably be bad.]

This is a sure way to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you tell people it’s bad, why would they read it? Have some self-confidence.

You don’t really need the countdown, it looks awkward in prose and doesn’t really serve much purpose.

[the trainers exam]

Missing apostrophe here.

Your punctuation in general is a little wonky. I’d recommend reading up on comma usage.

[The Professor the boys are talking to is widely renowned as the legendary Professor Samuel Oak, former Indigo League Champion. He is celebrated globally for creating the Pokedex, an encyclopedia of all there is to know about Pokemon. It has everything from Dex entries of their abilities, movesets, and even videos of the Pokemon in their natural habitats. The Pokedex made life much easier for everyone as if made identifying pokemon much faster and easier.]

This is unnecessary. Everyone reading this is already familiar with Pokemon.

[Charmander, Bulbasaur, and Squirtle were three Pokemon recognized by the League as “Starter Pokemon”.]

No, they aren’t. Oak gives them to you as a personal favor because you’re his grandson’s friend. Almost no one else has them in the games and no one makes any reference to them being special. “Starter pokemon” are a purely meta convention.

This could be true if you’re going AU, but in that case you need to state this as such. Even so, I’m not sure what making the already-rigid league journey formula even more rigid is supposed to add to the story. The concepts for what makes for an appealing game and what makes for an appealing story are often at odds.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13645281/1/The-Great-Pokemon-Purge-part-1-of-2

You’ve got coding errors. Try reuploading, and preview the story to catch this in the future.

You also shouldn’t post “parts” as separate stories, as it unfairly clutters the archive. Use chapters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13645179/1/Fire-and-Fury

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13645099/1/The-Chosen-One

[*Boom*]

Asterisks for sound effects look awkward in prose. Italics is the standard, but it’s better to describe them.

[Within the middle of all the cacophony and surrounding chaos, was an adolescent teenager dressed in torn rags]

Unnecessary comma here.

[But before fire could cook the boy into a crisp, an equally powerful flame met it.]

I’m not clear how that would help? You can’t actually fight fire with fire, physically. A strong wind – an ability Charizard also has – might do the trick, though.

[“Thanks Charizard.”]

This needs a comma before “Charizard”, as it’s a direct address.

[(Pause)]

This isn’t a screenplay. Stage directions are jarring and unnecessary.

[Now, I’m sure you’re wondering who this mysterious boy is, who can use his mysterious powers of aura to fight this mysterious Entei.]

I’m more curious who’s saying this. Who’s the narrator here? Is it not Ash?

[(10 years ago, Hall of Origin)]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[Arceus was tired. Extremely tired. If someone were to ask him]

Arceus is genderless.

[Being god was hard work.]

Missing article.

[“Hey kid.” Arceus called out]

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13644965/1/Days-Of-Withdrawal

You’ve got spacing problems. This happens sometimes when pasting directly from word processors. I recommend previewing your document to catch this, as the “wall of text” look tends to be off-putting.

[Time has little meaning when you’re stuck inside a prison-like home with no clear objectives in mind, a state Ren hadn’t experienced for almost a year.]

Do you mean he *had* experienced it?

[He wouldn’t have experienced it either if not for his stupid decisions; the decision being using unauthorized prescription drugs, which was known in the streets as ‘Lu-pills’; named after the Lucario because they were said to lower your inhibitions and anxiety, turning you into a strong-willed fighter like a Lucario; except in Ren’s case, they turned his life upside-down.]

Multiple semicolons in a single sentence are generally a sign you’re using too many. I’d recommend breaking this up into multiple sentences.

[He realized his fault was that he mostly trained only two of his Pokémon well, others were mostly accompanying him and occasionally serving as a backup.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[He couldn’t bear to watch his close companions suffer in the battles and cry out in pain while the audience laughed and cheered.]

Yet he could bear it throughout the entire rest of the league challenge? Anyone who gets this far should have become numb to pokemon suffering long ago. If he ever really cared, he should have dropped out long ago for their sake.

[but it seemed like Arceus had more in store for him]

Arceus is a dead god. No one worships it in the present day.

[Shiro, his Ninetales and Jean, his Lucario were the only two capable of communicating with Ren via telepathy]

Where are you getting the idea lucario are telepathic? They can read thoughts, but I don’t see how they can send them. Is this an anime thing?

[They were happy that master was going to change himself.]

When a title (such as “master”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

Also, it’s pretty messed up that he can communicate with pokemon and therefore knows they’re people, and still has them refer to him as “Master”.

[The daycare normally only handles two Pokémon from a trainer]

That’s pretty clearly just a gameplay convention. There’s no logical reason why they couldn’t handle more.

Your punctuation in general is pretty wonky; I’d recommend reading up on comma usage.

[Shiro was grateful for being his Pokémon. She was grateful to him for raising her as the strong Pokémon she now was. Without him, she would’ve still been a stray Vulpix roaming the forests for berries and fighting off Spearrow and greedy trainers. Often, she was very forward about expressing her love and gratitude towards Ren, telling him how her life belonged to him and him only.]

Well, that escalated quickly.

I want you to consider that Ren not only literally owns Shiro, but he raised her since she was a child. I want you to consider how that would look if they were two humans.

If psuedo-incestuous master/slave relationships are your kink, so be it, but please tag for it. (And also, please don’t rate kink fic T.) If not, you really need to consider what you’re writing and put more effort into making it less messed up.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13644964/1/Average

[Yet despite all this, with a starter that’s just as average as he is. He’s out to become the very best, like no one ever was.]

It looks like you forgot to bridge these with a comma; the first sentence is a fragment.

[Also I’m capitalizing pokemon names because the novel and games do so when mentioning the species as whole.]

That’s only because they’re registered trademarks, so official merchandise is legally required to do so. You’re under no such obligation.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You might be interested in the fic “Making It Big” by An Author’s Pen, as it has a similar premise.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13644890/1/An-Alolan-Legend

Your profile says this is part of a series; if it can’t stand on its own, it should be a chapter of another work, or at least to link to the source work. You should also consider posting on AO3, which has a more direct series feature to link related works.

Your punctuation is a mess in general. Put some effort into making this readable, please.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13644813/1/Cute-Blue-Cat

[I also have no physical gender!]

Gender is mental, not physical. The word you’re looking for is “sex”.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

Is all this waffling really necessary? This is an incredibly common genre with an incredibly common and cliché opening. Get to the point, please.

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

You shouldn’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

Is there a POINT to this character being a dead guy from our world? Is there a POINT to him knowing Pokemon as a fictional world and freaking out over how it’s real? Is any of this crucial to the plot and the story you want to tell? If not, I don’t know why you’re using the isekai trope for this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13644614/1/Beachside-Loving

Blocked, vaguely familiar.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13644582/1/The-Breedful-Favor

[Katrina, the slender, curly headed blonde pleaded with her Pokémon.]

This is a really awkward way to introduce description; you’re cramming too much information into one sentence. Let the action and the description breathe individually.

Why does Gardevoir not have a name?

Your punctuation in general is pretty wonky. I’d recommend reading up on comma usage and sentence structure.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13644488/1/A-Sweet-Compromise-Version-2

[Lyra stood upon Mount. Silver.]

If you write out “Mount”, you don’t need the dot.

[He blinked twice while he glanced at his fainted Pikachu.]

You’re generally good at not capitalizing pokemon, but you did so here.

Additionally, you’re overusing adverbs. Don’t be afraid to use a plain said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[Her brunette friend]

You want “brunet”; “brunette” is the feminine form. Blame French.

[“Sinnoh? Ugh Ethan! That’s so far!”]

Not really? It’s within the same country as Johto. It should be possible for Lyra to travel there if she wants.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13644453/1/Transferred-to-Poketon-High

[“Wow, Poketon academy is way larger than I ever thought.” Vincent]

You appear to have dropped the rest of this sentence. Additionally, all parts of a name are capitalized, so that should be “Poketon Academy”.

[Brain asked under his breath]

Typo. You misspell this name in a few other places too; you should proofread more carefully.

You have a lot of dropped commas. I’d recommend reading up on proper comma usage, or getting a beta reader to help you.

[As well at her chest, she felt two mounds growing into a pair of small breasts.]

Humans are the only animals that have visible breasts when not nursing. If this is your fetish, then fetish gets what fetish wants I suppose, but this is still a weird choice.

Gender and sex are separate. The boys should still mentally consider themselves boys and be referred to with male pronouns.

This really seems like it would be better suited to a comic or other visual medium.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13643953/1/My-life-as-ash

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[I died and woke up as ash in his mothers womb(SI). Self insert.]

You don’t need to say “self insert” twice. Also, missing apostrophe.

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[Unknown period Of time later.]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

This reads like it’s being narrated by a robot. I don’t see much reason to be attached to someone who views this fantastic circumstance so clinically and pragmatically. What makes for an interesting game doesn’t necessarily make for an interesting story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13643831/1/A-Sense-of-Normalcy

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You don’t need to give your story title in the story body itself, since it’s already displayed at the top of the page.

[I’d never forget my manners, as I was a human, Crobat’s body or no.]

What? If this story requires knowledge of another work and can’t stand on its own, it should be a chapter of another work, or at least have a link to the source work. You should also consider posting on AO3, which has a more direct series feature to link related works.

[By habit, I threw a Taunt and Torment at the kitten, which was both dodged with frightening dexterity, and narrowly dodged a dark pulse myself.]

Just listing moves doesn’t make for a very engaging battle. You should give a sense of what this actually looks like. In particular, how exactly does one dodge a taunt?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13643826/1/Forced-on-the-King

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13643598/1/Furret-tries-to-monopolize-Pluto

Learn to troll properly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13645978/1/Dol

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13643093/1/Flowers-and-Embers

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[A figure was making its way through the endless corridors and hallways, carrying a leather bag in his hands. The sound of his boots reverberates]

Tense trouble here. Make sure to keep tense consistent.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13642180/1/Pokemon-Power-is-Everything

[Those without them are considered Cripples.]

I’m not sure why you capitalized this.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

I strongly recommend against using multiple POVs in the same chapter. The story will be stronger if you can structure it so that we learn everything we need to from one perspective.

A new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not doing this makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13646132/1/Love-is-a-raging-inferno

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

If knowledge of another work is required, this shouldn’t be a standalone story. At the very least, you should explain any setting information that the reader needs to know. You should also consider posting on AO3, which has a better way of handling this.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[August 21st, 2019

Trenton, State of New Jersey, United States.]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

[a paw, a 3 fingered paw]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[or else it Would be harder to get on my phone]

Errant capital here.

[I couldn’t go out in public looking like this, it would be ridiculous.]

…That’s her first reaction? Really? Not the body horror or the worry she might be permanently stuck like this?

[Mom, dad!]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

A new speaker requires a new paragraph.

The mother being irrationally over-the-top evil and the dad being the nice one is dubiously misogynistic.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13646145/1/Gym-Jobs

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13646168/1/Delta

I am very confused by this opening. If this story requires knowledge from other works of yours, it shouldn’t be published standalone. At the very least, you should provide any important information that the reader needs to know.

[alone in the dark!”`]

You appear to have an errant tick mark here.

If you use horizontal lines to separate author’s notes, it’s a good idea to use a different mark for scene breaks, to avoid author’s notes looking like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13646173/1/Pokemon-Emerald-Novelization

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

So, here’s the thing. The Pokemon games are not well-suited to novelizations, as their plots are largely just vehicles for making you fight a bunch of battles which, while cool in a game where you’re actually playing through them, are not interesting to read about. If you want to make a story out of it, you’ll need to diverge heavily from canon and introduce a ton of unique elements of your own. Notice how the anime and manga did this, and note also that they were still visual media that could fall back on cool, flashy battles, while you won’t be able to. Do you have some unique spin on the game’s plot, some unusual interpretation of the setting you want to explore? Try focusing on that.

In English, languages, such as “English” and “Portuguese” are proper nouns and should be capitalized.

[Slateport City Harbor, Hoenn Region]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

In English, dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You seem to be missing a lot of punctuation.

I’d recommend getting an English-speaking beta reader to help you with these issues if you wish to improve your English.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13646296/1/Amourshipping-Ash-s-Rebellion

[3 years later]

Numbers must be written out when they begin a sentence.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

Not using punctuation makes me not want to read your story.

Dragon Quill

Writing With Scales

[24] The Other Pokereviews, Part 156

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