Several unusual stories today, including some that engage with pokemon treatment.
Anime count: 11
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12933416/1/The-Pokemon-Who-Speak
Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[When Pokemon Trainer, Luneth, wakes up from a horrible incident, he finds out a shocking discovery. All of his pokemon are able to speak. Now Luneth along with his pokemon must find out the reasoning behind this! During this, many dark truths will be revealed.]
While this is a better summary than most, it’s still quite vague. Stock phrases like “many dark truths will be revealed” are really overused and tell us little about what makes this story unique. What exactly is so significant about this? What is this story actually about?
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[Luneth awoke, his head hurt a little as he adjusted his glasses.]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.
[one of the voices raising his voice]
Repeating words and sounds sounds awkward (see?). I recommend rephrasing this.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
It’s weird that Luneth is able to perfectly overhear this conveniently expository conversation. It might be more natural to start this from the lucario’s perspective, or just have Luneth think about the events that led to the situation he’s currently in.
[like mom]
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
[“Sh*t… “, he thought to himself.]
If you’re not willing to write swears out, you shouldn’t be using them.
[He remembers when he first entered his lab]
The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.
[And yet there they all were: Torterra, Luxray, Floatzel, Gliscor, Garchomp, Charizard, Pikachu, Butterfree, Nidoking, Vaporeon, Typhlosion, Noctowl, Ampharos, Feraligatr, Heracross, Sceptile, Mightyena, Manectric, Flygon, Swampert, Samurott, Zebstrika, Krookodile, Beartic, Braviary, Greenija, Pyroar, Pangoro, Gogoat, Noivern, Toucannon, Kommo-o, Golisopod, Zeraora, and the one who just recently spoke, Incineroar.]
That is way, way too many pokemon for a manageable cast. If you ever find yourself making a paragraph that is nothing but lists, that is a sign you need to think about what you’re doing.
This is really, really confusingly written and hard to follow. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
This is also too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is barely even a single scene. I have no idea of who Luneth is beyond that he’s a successful trainer with a lot of pokemon, and he’s barely had a chance to react at all to the pokemon speaking, even though that’s the main premise.
I will say that if you’re planning on having talking pokemon, I really encourage you to think through the implications. This is a society where humans routinely take pokemon from their homes, bind them into service, and then get all the credit for everything they do. If I lived in the Pokemon world, I would be very shaken by the revelation that these creatures I treated as animals are actually people. If Luneth’s lucario is truly “his best friend, the brother he never had”, why is it okay for Luneth to give him orders and stuff him in a ball? Would you do that to your surrogate sibling?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12933433/1/Let-s-Make-History
I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
[Basically just a retelling of Pokemon with Ash being smarter, stronger, and wanting to be Pokemon researcher. All the while, on his adventure he has the job of babysitting Gary.]
At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC that you have to staple Ash’s face over theirs. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.
[Ash did a double take, praying to Arceus]
Why would a Kantonian be praying to a Sinnohan deity?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[5 years in trainer school]
In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.
Talking pokemon are an enormous can of worms you shouldn’t open unless you have a very good explanation for why one group of people is being owned by another group of people.
[Listen here,” Ash took a step towards Gary.]
When narration doesn’t contain a speech verb, it’s a separate sentence from dialogue and is punctuated accordingly.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12934478/1/Golden-Serena
I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
This is a mess. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12934480/1/Jubilife-high-a-loner-s-secret
Your title needs to be fully capitalized.
This belongs in the anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12935506/1/The-Battle-Tower
Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.
[A Battle Trainer named Zach tries to scale the Battle Tower; a gauntlet of battles of increasing ferocity until one got to the top. Using his Pokémon, Zach drives through and discovers more than he bargained for. N.B: Pokémon will be highly OP in terms of moves and power.]
This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.
So, something you should understand is that what makes for a good video game doesn’t necessarily make for a good story. Battles are really fun to play or watch, but a story that’s nothing but a string of battles gets tedious after a while.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[swiveling her cute little head around so much i thought it was going to fall off]
Proofread.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Similarly to what I said before, battles are particularly not interesting if you describe them like a transcription of a game battle, with a mechanical exchange of trainers calling out moves. Think about how the anime made its battles more engaging, and think logically about how a real battle would differ from the games. Could pokemon use the environment? Could they use moves in nonstandard ways? Could they use different strategies, like kiting a strong opponent while conserving their stamina, or pouring all their energy into a risky all-out assault?
Currently, this just doesn’t look like something that will be interesting to read. Get into game programming if you just want to design cool battles.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12935595/1/Ample-Moles
Blocked, previously reviewed.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12935714/1/The-Dogs-Of-War
Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.
I’m aware I have reviewed you before, so I’ll only be addressing stuff I didn’t cover then.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[And when he gets to Heaven,
To Arceus he shall tell:]
Nope. Arceus is based on Hindu and Shinto deities and it’s really ethnocentric of you to take this deity created by a Japanese company and jam it into a God-shaped hole. It’s fine to assume Christianity exists but is never brought up in canon and just use that for your religious references.
[I’ve served my time in hell.”]
When referring to the singular place, “Hell” is capitalized.
[Soldiers-Men, Bothers, Fathers and Sons]
Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.
You also should not capitalize the common nouns here.
[their stomach’s getting the better]
Apostrophes are for possessives, not for plurals.
[a whole boat opens up only for all thirty of those men are cut down by machine guns. Not a single man escapes alive.]
The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.
I really like how relevant you’re making the pokemon to the battle. In a lot of war fics authors just focus on the guns and ignore the pokemon, but you’re doing a good job of showing how the pokemon are used and the way human weaponry interacts with them.
However, this does still have a lot of grammatical errors that make it hard to follow, especially in sentence structure and punctuation. You should really read up on those, or get a beta reader to help you if you have trouble.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12935865/1/Our-Adventure-Book-I
Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.
You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.
[A young Eevee and her partner go on adventures with their team.]
You may also want to pick a more descriptive summary. This could describe literally thousands of Pokemon stories. Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
This is really messy and hard to follow. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12935915/1/Bugsy-s-Bugged-Bug-Chronicles
Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.
I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym or confidant.
[If there was one thing to Azalea that Viridian lacked it was the relaxed and calm way that people carried on with their lives.]
This needs a comma after “lacked”.
[or perhaps it had to due]
You want “do”. “Due” means owed.
[a meddling place, bright eyed youngsters just starting on their journeys]
I think you mean “middling”? “Meddling” means interfering.
[leaf, hyde and rock]
You want “hide”. “Hyde” is not a word.
These errors are very distracting. You should make sure you have a beta reader who can catch these issues if you consistently have trouble.
[He enjoyed a good battle, even if he couldn’t help but feel somewhat cheated when someone just came with a fire type in tow and blasted the arena with flames. All the way back to the walls of the building. Scyther could dodge bursts, and his butterfree could fly above them, but when the flames came in a wall, hazing up the air, and making breathing difficult there was little he could do.]
Why not? Pokemon aren’t limited to moves of their own type, and there are some bug-types who can resist fire. I would expect a skilled gym leader to have counter-strategies for the most obvious gambits. If you want to sell us on Bugsy’s skill, you should think of clever things he can do to subvert the kinds of strategies we players used against him.
[He was the Pokemon Bug Expert. It wasn’t exactly something known to bring him much accolades, but he was proud of it nonetheless.]
Why wouldn’t it be worth accolades? Every type is important to pokemon battling. Being an expert on any one ought to be a useful skill. Even in our world where bugs don’t have magic powers, entomology is a major field with great scientific significance.
[the ones who acted as if bugs were pretty coo.]
Typo.
This was a nice character study.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12935962/1/I-have-no-parents
Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.
Your title needs to be fully capitalized.
[The house in Viridian City was still there, as insignificant and small as the dreams of a failed man.]
That is an excellent simile, and especially excellent as an opening line for this.
[“Pfui!” Silver thought]
You shouldn’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader. It’s also odd for a character to think in vocal onomatopoeia.
[This was the consideration red hair had of his grandfather]
Who is “red hair”?
[Lao was a touchy, drink-loving old man, he could be found even in early morning lying on the ground grumbling with his granddaughter Alea]
The second comma here is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[not simply names attached to a baptismal certificate]
Do you mean “birth certificate” here? It’s odd for baptisms to be commonplace unless Christianity is the dominant religion.
[Which baptism was, then?]
I’m not sure what you meant to say here.
[Ariana didn’t get upset, instead she rose from the flowered armchair and approached her rebellious son, the one she couldn’t stand but at the same time loved, because he was proud and insufferable just as she had been in her youth.]
This is a little odd, since you’ve been writing from Silver’s perspective up until now. It might be better to stick to one perspective, or make it clearer you’re writing in omniscient perspective from the start.
[“What do you see? WHAT?” the redhaired boy wanted to shout, but he held back.]
I see what you’re trying to do here, but it’s a bit confusing to write unvocalized dialogue like this, as it blends in too easily with the standard flow of conversation. It might be better to tip us off beforehand, like “The redhaired boy wanted to shout, … but he held back.” A different format, such as italicizing the dialogue like a thought, could also work.
[“And according to this reasoning, I should consider you my mother in all respects, isn’t it?”
His tone was lashing and it hit Ariana like a Pin Missile attack.]
Prose flows better if you pair all actions with the speaker, not just speech tags. Spreading things out like this makes the story feel decompressed. I’d recommend putting these lines in the same paragraph and seeing how it looks.
[“Four years.” the new fifteen-year-old revealed]
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”]
This was an interesting story and a good character study, but the writing was very awkward and gives the impression you are not a native speaker. Your dialogue feels very stilted and unnatural, and your description feels underdetailed – actions seem to happen too quickly, and the characters feel like they’re talking in a void.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12936473/1/Life-with-Legends
Blocked, previously reviewed.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12936638/1/How-Pokemon-Should-ve-Ended
I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.
You should probably stick to just one episode per chapter.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12936937/1/Beyond-a-Reverie-Lost-Pieces-of-Faith
I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[(Present Day, Kanto Region, August 29, 2058 5:33 PM, Ketchum Residence)]
This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs and adverbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.
[Ash quickly froze in fear as he saw a boy who resembles him]
The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or “older”.
At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC that you have to staple Ash’s face over theirs. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12936995/1/Pok%C3%A9Prompts
Blocked, don’t recognize them.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12937044/1/A-Special-Journey-Through-Kanto
Blocked, thank God. Don’t recognize them.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12937571/1/The-Fall-of-the-Betrayed
Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12937611/1/Pokemon-Book-I-The-Journey-Begins
I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
It’s a bit confusing to use horizontal lines for scene breaks if you also use them to distinguish author’s notes, as it can look like the notes are part of the story. Unfortunately, FFN strips a lot of symbols, so better scene breaks are hard to find.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12937946/1/pokemon-high-school
Your title needs to be fully capitalized.
[4 new students]
In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.
Interactive stories are banned on this site.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12938106/1/Latex-and-Mind-Control-Stories
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
All sentences need to end in punctuation, not just when you feel like it. Be considerate to your readers and put a bare minimum of effort into making your story not a chore to read.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12938239/1/Distrust
Blocked, previously encountered. Looks kinda interesting though, check it out.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12938254/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Emilia-s-Bad-Luck-Travels
I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
[New Bark Town]
This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.
[*Thud*]
This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“Of course, pokemon are a lot, and I mean, A LOT like humans,” the pokemon said.
“Seeing as you a pokémon, I’m going to catch you,” I said, about to grab the dream ball.]
…Do you not see the issue here? You just had a pokemon explain that not only can they talk, they are similar to humans in other ways as well. The human’s first response is to catch it anyway. Why? If I learned that my pets were actually of human intelligence I’d be pretty shaken. Why is it okay for one group of people to own another group of people?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12938262/1/The-New-Guy
Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or sister.
[The application process was simple enough; Your age, Skills, Position Preference, standard stuff.]
This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. You want a full colon here.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This feels oddly muted. I have trouble feeling emotionally engaged with the main character.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12938311/1/On-The-Beat
Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or kahuna.
[Nanu hadn’t wanted or asked for the job, but he’d got it anyway, and he was damn well going to do it properly.]
Did we play the same game? Nanu, who spends most of the story pulling a disappearing act and can barely be motivated to perform the basic obligation of a trial battle, cares deeply about doing his job properly? Nanu reads to me as someone deeply bitter about his circumstances, and his behavior points to leaving his island to rot either because he doesn’t care or because he thinks he can’t help. Ula’ula is a depressing place.
The pinsir’s rebellion is interesting, but overall this feels kinda depressing. Alola is a deeply sick society, and as a kahuna Nanu is kind of part of the problem. I feel like he could do more to actually help Team Skull – discontinuing the island challenge, for instance, or at least the stigma of failure – instead of just looking the other way, which is obviously going to lead to further festering like this. You dismiss Kenzo as simply being a violent psycho, but the fact that he tries to attack Nanu again even after he’s lost and the fear when he does makes me feel there might be something more there. What kind of desperation drives a runaway to attack a head of state?
[“Pokémon don’t hurt humans,” he said, and was pleased by how calm his voice was. Next to him, Pinsir chirped, and Nanu rested a hand on the rough carapace. “And it doesn’t have to obey you. Especially when it chose you.”] Seems relevant to Farla’s interests.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12938548/1/Pok%C3%A8mon-A-trainers-will
I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12939034/1/Pokemon-The-Depth-of-Passion
I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[Flashback]
This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12938445/1/The-Rotting-Mind-Of-A-Team-Rocket-Prospect
Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
This reads more like a summary or a historical textbook than a story. You talk a lot *about* Nalim, but I don’t get a good sense of who he is as a person. I feel like I am a dispassionate observer jotting down notes about his life, not someone with a direct emotional connection to him. I recommend reading some other novels so you can see what I’m talking about.
[[C]After everyone]
Also not sure what happened here.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12938719/1/Ribbons-Episode-0
Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[Most people deal with Pokémon on a daily basis, my goal in life is to avoid them.]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.
[loss of breathe]
You want “breath”. “Breathe” is the verb.
[His oldest worked in a bank in town-being a baker was not something he’d ever strived for]
Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts.
[I asked running over to him]
This needs a comma after “asked”.
This is well-written, and an unusual take on the pokephobia premise. I like the details about the ribbons as well, it’s a nice bit of magical realism. For all that pokemon is a fantasy setting, it’s rare to see people add additional mystic elements, but I think it interacts well with this story.