[22] The Other Pokereviews, Part 152

Some variety today, including a story with talking pokemon that does nothing to examine the implications, and a bunch of gross porn.

Anime: 8

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13308499/1/Grayscale

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Before Herdier could close into the snake, like a bullet, Serperior slithered away and wrapped itself around the dog’s body, effectively shutting out its attack.]

“Close into” is odd phrasing; I believe it’s usually “close onto”.

The placement of “like a bullet” is slightly unclear, because the subject hasn’t yet shifted from Herdier to Serperior at this point, yet it refers to Serperior. I’d recommend moving it such like [Before Herdier could close into the snake, Serperior slithered away like a bullet and wrapped itself around the dog’s body, effectively shutting out its attack.]

[Me and Cheren nodded]

So I know “put others before yourself” may sound like a dumb rule, but the reason is because sentence structure has to be consistent in the face of modifiers. If you remove the list from this sentence, you get “Me nodded”, which is incorrect. To preserve consistent structure, it must be “Cheren and I”.

[Herdier started going again but its body started to multiply around the field.]

Should probably have a comma at “but” here, and “started going” is unclear – what exactly is it doing? Is it going onto the field?

[Dad looks around battle field.]

Tense slip here, and missing “the”. You make this error a few other time throughout; I’d recommend proofreading more thoroughly, or getting a beta reader if this is something that gives you trouble.

[“Stay sharp, Serperior,” Serperior nodded.]

You’re formatting basic dialogue correctly, but there are additional nuances. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[he said a matter-of-factly]

Errant word.

[I’ll be stronger than you someday, Hillbert!]

Typo with Hilbert’s name here.

[“Alright you kids, stop buffing yourselves up,” Juniper suddenly said, holding Herdier’s Pokeball. “You three are still seven and it’s best not to think ahead of your lives.”]

That’s a really weird thing for a pokemon professor to say. Three years isn’t a long time; it’s reasonable if they want to start preparing for their journeys now.

[Suddenly, there was a chime from the lab’s veranda.]

I feel like this should be a new paragraph.

[-The Promise-]

Is this meant to be the start of a new chapter? You should use the chaptering feature instead of putting everything in the same document.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

This is decent, but a bit generic.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13309307/1/Flamedrops

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[As a totodile adjusts to the life she was dropped into, she gets wrapped into a web of problems that could change the course of history.]

I think this summary could use more detail; currently, it doesn’t tell us much more than the genre. Could you tell us more about what this web of problems is? What’s the story about, specifically?

This is an interesting opening, but your prose is overwrought. I have a hard time picturing what’s going on because the sentences keep meandering and tripping over themselves. I’d recommend paring down a bit and really focusing on what you want to convey.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13309224/1/Unova-League-Rechallenge

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Trolling is supposed to be entertaining. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13309124/1/Wake-Up-Get-Up-Get-Out-There

Previously reviewed, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13309106/1/Machampion

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13309019/1/Innate-Darkness

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13309006/1/Ash-s-Poke-zon-Adventure

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Hello, my Chosen One.”]

Arceus is not the Judeo-Christian God. If you want to do a chosen one narrative, you might want to pick a fandom that actually has analogies for Him.

[soft breasts that can be classed as ‘Legendary’ as they defy gravity]

Okay, this made me laugh. Yes, clearly that’s the most important trait here.

[/ / /Pallet Town, Ash’s Bedroom/ / /]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[his member, 11inches long and 3inches thick]

Well, that just sounds painful.

You need to put more effort into your grammar, this is nearly incoherent. Get a beta reader if you have trouble.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13308827/1/Pokemon-Welcome-to-Tranquil-Town

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13308797/1/Pokemon-NG-3-Hoenn-Saga

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13308640/1/The-Chosen-One-s-Wrath

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[Later that Night…]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[(AN: More on this later)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13308186/1/The-Journey-Home-A-Pokemone-Nuzlocke

[Sixteen year old Grey sets out from his home in Viridian to begin his journey to take on the Pokémon League and make his way back to the Hoenn Region. Along the way he stumbles his way into a series of events that will change not only his life but the world as a whole forever.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot? What are these “series of events”? You’ll need to tell us what’s special about your story if you want it to stand out.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Viridian city]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Viridian City”.

[soon Winter would come bounding up]

Season names aren’t capitalized.

[Standing amidst the nearly deserted streets a boy of sixteen, dressed in black, rose his eye’s to the skyline, now glowing red with the sunrise, staring in awe of just how beautiful the world can seem with out the daily distractions.]

Firstly, you don’t want the apostrophe in “rose his eyes”, as apostrophes aren’t used for plurals. I believe you also want “raised”, rather than “rose”.

Secondly, this sentence is a bit clunky. The subject jumps around a lot. You start by describing the streets, then a boy, then the skyline, then back to the boy again. I’d recommend breaking this up into multiple sentences to let each part breathe.

[Chapter one: Let’s go back.]

Putting multiple chapters in the same document is against the rules of this site. Use the chaptering feature.

[“Hay Ell where are we going anyway?” He asked]

Dialogue formatting remains constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“Hay Ell where are we going anyway?” he asked].

[Grey your too young]

You want “you’re”. “Your” is a possessive.

You have a lot of errors like these throughout. I would recommend reading a grammar guide and/or getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13309359/1/Ash-The-chosen-nudist

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[A 8 year old ash Ketchum grumbled as he walked home, once again Gary showed him up!]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

All parts of a name need to be capitalized.

This is a comma splice, and you need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

You’re badly overusing Zalgo text. The actual text is illegible.

[…Meanwhile…]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

If you’re sexualizing a ten-year-old, that’s pedophilia and at the very least this should be tagged as such. You could also consider not doing that in the first place, because that’s incredibly creepy.

This person claims they have a Patreon and are getting a real book published.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13309425/1/Zeraora-s-Charge-Issues

You should probably also double-space between new speaker lines, like you do for paragraph breaks.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13309860/1/A-Gift-for-Graduation

[There just doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of M Human x F Delphox stories.]

…Really? I’ve seen multiple stories with that pairing. Delphox is one of the most common pokemon to be both fetishized and feminized.

I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, something has gone more wrong than a key can fix.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[Telling me I had to get up and get ready for the day that is considered one of the most important days of any person’s life, namely teenagers.]

This doesn’t make sense. How can a part of a day be “one of the most important days”? It sounds like you meant to say something different here and some wires got crossed.

[She can talk because my family taught her when she was still a Fennekin and her English only improved as she got older and evolved into a Braixen.]

Okay, so, how exactly does this interact with the fact she’s also treated like property? If pokemon are provably sapient, the canon trainer system becomes full of all sorts of unfortunate implications, and it doesn’t make a lot of sense to use it unmodified.

[(Dream)]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

I appreciate that you’re not gendering Arceus. Mew’s also canonically genderless, though.

[“I didn’t think you could kiss that good, especially for a first kiss.”]

So uh, delphox have muzzles. Kissing one ought to raise a lot of logistical problems. It’s fine if him/you are into that, but it would play out differently than a normal romantic kiss.

[I felt her trailing her hands along my pectorals and shoulders]

Another thing is that he doesn’t look very much like her species, and notably lacks a fur coat, which is typically an important characteristic in sexual selection. You’ve made enough of a case for her to be attracted to him in general even if he’s not her physical ideal, but it’s still odd that she seems to find him physically attractive without comment. Is her emotional attraction overriding her normal physical inclinations, or is she some kind of reverse furry? Either one would make sense, but if you’re going to do an interspecies romance I think you should focus on the ways it would be different from a normal one. I mean otherwise, what’s the point?

[my member going even deeper into her pussy, crashing against her cervix]

I see sex ed has failed you. This is not an actual thing, and would be agonizingly painful if it did happen.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13310220/1/One-Thought-was-Two

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[Present time.]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

Are you not a native speaker? There are a lot of strange sentence constructions here that make this story very hard to follow. I recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13309483/1/Pokemon-Crimson

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[A young man bent on taking down Team Rocket disregards the rules of the world around him, sowing seeds of change for the world of Pokemon.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. Who is this young man, why is he bent on taking down Team Rocket, what change is he sowing the seeds of, and why should we care?

[the injured Rattata that lays between the two]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be too.

[She couldn’t have been anymore than eight years old.]

You want “any more”, two words.

A story about a superpowered human fighting on his own isn’t terribly interesting; I can get that anywhere. If you’re not interested in engaging with the central premise of the franchise, I’m not clear why you want to write fanfic in the first place.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13307865/1/Pokemon-Time-and-Space

Non-story content is banned on this site. You should post this to a forum instead.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13310272/1/Sexual-Tension

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13310383/1/The-True-Love-of-a-Dragon-Evolution

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Don’t post until you have story content.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13309352/1/The-Life-and-Times-of-the-Lunar-Lovers

[By typical, I meant]

The rest of the story is in third-person, so this is odd. Even you only mean this in the general sense, it’s awkward; I’d recommend rephrasing this to keep it in third-person.

[The girl followed him an gave him a pat on the back.]

You initially describe her as a “lady” and say that she’s adult age, so describing her as a “girl” is rather weird. I’d recommend staying consistent with epithets. (Also, typo.)

[Nor was he aware of the fact that she was watching from the window, keeping an eye on him even as he laid down to sleep.]

That is incredibly creepy, especially combined with the fact that she did not in fact get his consent for the headpat earlier. If an older woman stalking teenagers is your kink, then very well, but please tag for it so people know what they’re getting into.

That ended quite abruptly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13308093/1/Through-the-Eye

[You may think of this as just a regular extra party member story. What happens if that person happens to be less than sane? Pokephilia, Murder, and Horrific Scenes Ahead.]

That’s a rather vague summary. Yeah, uh, what indeed is going to happen? Who is this “extra party member”? Why might I want to read this story out of the tens of thousands of others?

[I’m not gonna go into too many details, as it pains me to remember, but I’m an orphan, my father died and my mother executed for murder and attempted murder.]

The second comma here is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. You also seem to have a dropped word – should it be “my mother WAS executed”?

[We live in a world filled with Pokémon, animals with powers that normal sheep and cows have none of. They can create earthquakes, bend fire, bring rain, use psychic powers, and much more. Us humans have found ways to train Pokémon to be stronger in exchange for them working with us. These humans are called Pokémon Trainers. To become a Pokémon trainer, we have to go through education that teaches us about how to raise a Pokémon, feed it, train it, where they can be found, and things to avoid.]

Everyone reading your fic already knows this. You don’t need to rehash basic setting information.

[They brainwash humans into either working for a higher-up or becoming a sex slave to make more Team Rocket members.]

Is that second part really necessary?

[It was only recently that they were discovered as bad, having been believed to be a Pokémon liberation society.]

It sounds like you might want to retool this story to be about Team Plasma instead, because that’s not Team Rocket’s public face at all.

[Normally, a person is experienced enough by schooling to become a Pokémon Trainer by the age of 10 years old. However, due to my home-schooling and extra training, I had to study for over 7 more years.]

How does that make sense? He’s in a town full of elite trainers being raised by a former champion, and this means he has to take *more* time to catch up with the normies? Why?

Narratively, this is also a poor choice, as if you follow it logically he’s going to be losing to 11-year-olds. If you want to write about an older trainer, it’s better to say he’s been a trainer for a while.

[By the time I get there, I see Gary Oak. Professor Oak’s grandson and the younger brother of Red’s former rival, Blue has occasionally seen me when Red visits the Professor.]

Right now, you’re saying Gary is Blue. It sounds like you meant to say [Professor Oak’s grandson and the younger brother of Red’s former rival, Blue, Gary has occasionally seen me when Red visits the Professor.] However, that’s really awkward, so I’d recommend rephrasing.

[“I see you’ve gotten a Pokémon.” he nods.]

Errant non-capital.

[Now that you’re a trainer, you can set your own path instead of hiding in a shadow of some old dude and that champion everyone forgets. Then again, many people lost to Red Flowers, and not all of them are well remembered.]

This is very unnatural-sounding dialogue. This is the sort of thing I’d expect from a prepared speech, not an off-the-cuff remark.

[Lavender de Fleur is the niece of Giovanni de Fleur, who is known underground as the leader of Team Rocket, but known in the common world as the Viridian Gym Leader, but not by many.]

Too many “but”s here – the narrator just sounds confused. I’m not even entirely clear what exactly this is saying – your phrasing and word order is awkward, and you seem to be burying the lede. You may not need to provide this information in the first place – everyone reading already knows who Giovanni is.

[I see three Pokéballs, 2 empty]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[“Inside this box is one of my latest inventions, called a Poké Translators. When you have it on, it will translate all words a Pokémon says into human language, no matter what species. I can guarantee you that I have tested it and it works. I hope you enjoy it.”]

I recommend against doing this. Talking pokemon are an enormous can of worms you shouldn’t open unless you have a very good explanation for why one group of people is being owned by another group of people.

[a female Charmander that appears to be glad it’s out of there]

Like, seriously, he’s calling her “it” even though he knows her gender. That’s pretty creepy when he knows she’s a sapient being.

[“Finally! I thought I would be stuck here forever! I hate Poké Balls! It fits to adjust your size, but it feels weird and as tight as latex.”

“You do realize I don’t have to keep you in there, right?”

“I thought Pokémon had to stay in their Poké Balls when not battling.”

I shake my head. “Most trainers do that, but if you feel you aren’t interested in it, I’ll keep you outside the Poké Ball.”]

And this is just horrifying. If Oak has a translator, why hasn’t he made the same offer? This makes it look like he either didn’t care about her wants, or was actively making her suffer. You could have easily fixed this by saying the translator was just finished and he hasn’t talked to these pokemon yet, or something similar.

Even beyond that, the phrasing and framing of this is terrifying. She’s stuck in something she hates, and her only recourse is to hope that her trainer is magnanimous enough to free her from that fate. She is completely at his mercy.

[looking at me with a confused expression on her face.”]

Errant quote here.

[“I’ve always had a problem with calling specific Pokémon by their species name. You don’t often hear us humans calling each other ‘Human’, so I don’t feel the same thing should be done with Pokémon either. I’m trying to find names that might fit so I can ask you later.”]

This is a good point, but why doesn’t she already have her own name, if she’s a social creature with language?

[“He makes me feel uncomfortable.” the Pikachu tells me.]

Errant period here. You have a few other minor errors like this throughout; I’d recommend proofreading more thoroughly or getting a beta reader to help.

[20 pounds on a shoulder is not something that’s easy.]

Numbers are always written out when they begin a sentence, even if they’re large.

Why does Pikachu have to stay with Ash if he hates him so much? It’s reasonable when he’s a dumb animal who can’t be communicated with, but when he’s a talking person, this just looks messed up. Imagine how this would look if he was a human? Being yanked around on a leash, threatened with being stuffed in a torture chamber, all while vocally saying he hates this guy and wants to leave? If you saw something like that in real life, would you just shrug and tell him to give his trainer a chance?

[“If I leave you on the ground here, you would die? If I were to carry you in my arms, you’d be dead before I could reach the nearest professional. The only way I can save your life is if I capture you and bring you to Viridian City. The Poké Ball will make sure that your injuries are lessened.”

“AND WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I LET YOU ENSLAVE ME! THAT WOULD MEAN I’D NEVER SEE MY FLOCK AGAIN!”

So, this Spearow is stubborn… “After Nurse Joy heals you up, I will let you make a choice. If you choose to leave, I will break the Poké Ball and let you fly back to your flock. If you somehow decide to stay, you can join my team, and I would promise you to help you become stronger than ever before.” I reach for my belt and grab a Poké Ball, enlarging it. “Will that make you feel safer?”]

I know you think this makes Nico look like a great guy, but it just makes the entire system look even more horrifying. This is the absolute lowest possible bar of kindness that you should offer to all pokemon. The fact that he’s apparently an exception, implying that other trainers would enslave this spearow without a care, is proof that the entire system is wrong. A lone good actor does not redeem a corrupt system.

And of course the spearow’s staying with him.

This is decent overall, but I feel you’re relying too much on dialogue, and there’s not enough description of the scenes. Especially when you have so many characters talking, the story can get hard to follow.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13310508/1/The-Legend-of-Ahri-Chapter-1

Posting chapters as separate stories is against the rules, because it clutters up the archive. Make sure to use the chaptering feature.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself; however, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[However the thought got through and forced her back to reality.]

You want a comma after “however” here.

[Ahri’s bright blue eyes jolt open]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[it’s trainer’s]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

You have several similar errors through this. I’d recommend reading up on punctuation rules, and getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13307974/1/Burning-Hoenn

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

You can add a full horizontal line through the in-site editor. It tends to look neater than a break symbol.

[Now, Brendan isn’t one to whine that much, but as he steps off of the sidewalk and onto one of the many roads in Littleroot, he can’t help but drop his duffel bag, mouth gaping open as the flames consume the home in front of him.]

That’s really burying the lede. Frankly, it sounds comical to preface such a serious event with a chastisement about “whining”; if that’s not what you intended, I’d recommend rewording.

[But the torchic doesn’t do anything, just stand there politely]

Conjugation error here, I think.

[making sure is lungs are okay]

Typo.

This is a good opening. You have a strong, shocking start, and a twist on the normal starter. I’m not entirely sure where the plot can go from here, though – unless you accelerate the game’s plot, it seems likely to slow down after this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13307622/1/Pokemon-Onyx-Tempest-s-Adventure

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[“Sorry mom,” I whispered.]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

The story is in present tense up to this point, but shifts here. Remember to keep tense consistent.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13307507/1/A-Strange-Encounter

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime. “This is my first fanfic. Please review and give me suggestions.”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13307419/1/The-Broken-War

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon species. However, the word “pokemon” shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[on his journey as leaves he home]

Something went wrong here.

[quiver in fear as he witness’s things]

Missing capital, and you want “witnesses”. Apostrophes are for possessives and contractions.

[It has been 7 year’s sins the war started.]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters, and again, apostrophes are for possessives. You also want “since”, not “sins”.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Yes, even for a prologue. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

Are you not a native speaker? There are a lot of errors here that make this confusing and hard to follow. I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13307391/1/Dont-Catch-This

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13307306/1/Burning-Heart-Cold-Feet

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13307267/1/The-Rise-and-Fall-of-a-Team-Rocket-Grunt

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13307209/1/Pokemon-Blue-s-Balls

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Trolling is supposed to be entertaining. Try harder.

This needs to be rated M.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13306841/1/The-Sun-of-Sunyshore

Previously reviewed, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13307151/1/Avidity

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[Oh,no]

Missing space.

[The mortality rate for rookie trainers had been steadfastly increasing for years until 991, where it reached 12.1% for Kanto, and a historic high of 16.9% for Unova. That was the metaphoric last straw for the Pokemon League, which imposed on the seven regions it oversaw a series of programs to follow and approve by the end of the year 992 under threat of overhaul by the Sinnoh and Hoenn’s united front.]

Your profile doesn’t list your country, so I’ll just say you should look up the current state of gun control in the United States. The pokeworld’s view of pokemon training makes America’s view of guns look downright sane. Governments don’t overturn entrenched cultural institutions over a dead kid or twenty.

And of course the mom gets fridged.

The prose here is very confusing and I have a hard time understanding what’s going on. In addition to this, you have several misspellings and punctuation errors. I’d recommend getting a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13307273/1/Grasping-for-the-Moon

Human characters, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13307333/1/Pokemon-Aura-Blight

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[Carefully stepping on the balls of her feet as to not fall beneath any uprooted trees.]

This is a sentence fragment.

[The darkness that loomed above shrouded her vision, her dark vision was almost useless in the absence of the moon light.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[With one twirl she decapitated two of the Mightyena’s]

You don’t need that apostrophe. Apostrophes are for possessives or contractions, not plurals.

You have a lot of errors here that makes this story hard to follow. I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

Dragon Quill

Writing With Scales

[22] The Other Pokereviews, Part 152

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