“I run over to the Poké Ball and grab it. I could feel rumbling inside, probably the failed efforts of the Timburr trying to escape. Now I know this adventure will be a blast.” But in better news, there is also an XY novelization with actual good writing and characterization.

Anime count: 11, plus a lot more by the same author I didn’t cover. I took a week off and now suddenly there is a ton of untagged anime fic. Probably a coincidence, but still interesting.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12861643/1/Park-Bench

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon. However, you shouldn’t capitalize species names either, for the same reasons.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[DONG DONG]

This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You also still need to put periods at the end of narration that’s connected to dialogue.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12861730/1/Revenge-of-a-Master

I don’t have any opinion on whatever shipping drama is going on here, but can you at least keep in in the right tag, please? This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12862118/1/Double-Trouble-2-Family-Weekend

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

The chapter dropodown menu throws off centering in the first line. You should try adding a blank line at the start – or just don’t bother with the title at all, because it’s not really necessary.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[“It’s Butch,” he corrected bitterly]

[“The glasses flatter you, Biff,” Cassidy remarked]

[“It’s Butch! Didn’cha hear what I said?!” Butch demanded]

Really not what any of those words mean. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12862173/1/According-to-you

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Songfics are banned on this site.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12862417/1/Pokemon-A-New-Story-Begins

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. Also, you shouldn’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Chapters need to be longer than two paragraphs.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12862783/1/The-First-Alolan-Champion

Your summary needs to say what the story is about, and you need to separate chapters into multiple files using the chaptering feature.

This… isn’t really a story. This is something a lot of first-time writers do, but you have to understand that while your experience playing the game was very exciting to you, it’s not automatically exciting to an onlooker. You should think about how to craft a story beyond just summarizing the events of the games. I think you should read some published books to get an idea of this. This thread is also helpful: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

This one actually has someone in the reviews arguing against the people saying to ignore me, which is nice.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12862831/1/Othelloshipping-Miniatures

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12862890/1/Ash-s-Bizarre-Misadventures

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[Ash Ketchum has had this universal trait cranked up to Eleven.]

“Eleven” shouldn’t be capitalized here.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12863013/1/On-The-Edge-Of-An-Hourglass

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You should use the ’ symbol for apostrophes, not ´. The latter is spaced oddly in this font.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[But he was too late, the rabbit Pokémon Nidoran; a lavender-bluish coloured female, was clawing at his legs.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

In general, I think you ought to read up more on grammar and sentence structure in English. You’re doing alright on the basics, but you’re having difficulty with these flowery passages.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12863249/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-World-of-Futanari

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[End Prologue]

Horizontal lines look better for this. You can add them through the in-site editor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12863685/1/Second-Chances

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[My lungs burned, my muscles cramped, but still I ran, the flashing of thunder behind me, and I leaped to the side, barely dodging a beam of light flashing through where I was moments ago.]

This sentence goes on just a bit too long. Notice how it’s talking about two things at once – if we cut out everything but the verbs, this is saying that the speaker is running and also leaped at the same time. You have a lot of sentences like this throughout the story. Even in a tense scene, it can be better to separate actions into simple sentences. I generally associate long, meandering sentences with slow deliberation, so staccato sentences actually better convey tension to me.

Also, this is in past tense, while the rest of your story is in present. You should keep tenses consistent throughout the story.

[the alley way]

You want “alleyway”, one word.

[too big to fit in the ally]

Typo.

[as it turns out, these, creatures, are even more abundant in the city]

I’m not sure what you’re trying to do with the commas here. You should maybe read up more on punctuation usage.

[I continue this pattern, until I make it to the edge of the city.]

It’s a bit weird to switch to summary timeskip when you’ve been covering the story in detail up to this point. If you don’t want to describe every step of him getting out of the city, you could just say he’s near the end when the story begins.

[it hurts to breath.]

You want “breathe”. “Breath” is the noun.

[12 gauge buck shot rounds]

Hmm. The previous review was correct when it said numbers less than 13 are typically written out, but the rules might be different for technical terms like gun dimensions. I’d recommend looking this up to be sure.

[The pellets impact the creature, throwing it back and shattering the hide on its face.]

How close is the pokemon when he does this? A point-blank shotgun blast is extremely dangerous, especially if it’s sawed off and double especially if there’s shrapnel. I also don’t know how he’s doing a double blast one-handed without breaking his good arm.

[“Mew, come to my location, please. I have need of your expertise” Celebi says, before withdrawing. I sigh]

You switch from third-person to first-person narration here. Using first-person for multiple POVs is also pretty disorienting in general; I strongly recommend sticking to third-person for this.

[she is contacted by another legendary, Celebi]

I’m not too fond of using the term “legendaries” in fic. It’s very much a fandom term, as it’s a shorthand for the canon term “legendary pokemon”. It’s also much too general given the actual range of power of legendaries. Legendaries like latios seem to be merely rare beasts, while legendaries like Kyogre are gods.

[Whats up?]

Missing apostrophe here.

[Pokemon and Humans alike]

“Humans” shouldn’t be capitalized.

That ended abruptly.

The first thing I notice is that you’re making a lot of typos and grammatical errors, and they make your story hard to follow. If you have trouble with that, you need a beta reader. Your prose also has a very repetitive structure: nearly the entire story is composed of sentences with the structure “I did [action]”, even in the ending infordump. I recommend varying your sentence structure. You can get some ideas for this from published books, and beta readers can help as well. Beta readers can be found here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[I will be accepting OC’s in the future]

And I must also echo the last review that this is a bad idea. Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes. If you have concerns about this, take them here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-OCs

Talarc got this one, so I only covered the bits they didn’t mention.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12863721/1/Daddy-Issues

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Years later…]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[Please dad!]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12863796/1/Pokemon-kahon-theme-songs

Non-story entries are banned on this site. This should go on a personal blog.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12864042/1/Poke-Legends-Kanto-Region

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[“holy shit! it’s already nine o’clock?!]

Missing capitals.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Red had light brown hair with his red hat on. His eyes were a light brown color and he wore a collared short sleeve jacket with black sleeves. The collar was white and the stripe down the middle of the jacket was also white. He wore a plain black shirt under it and light blue jeans. His backpack was yellow.]

Opening the story with excessive physical description is an instant turnoff. Do you see how rushed and awkward this sounds? This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

[said Red sarcasticly]

Spellcheck.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[people and pokemon alike!]

So pokemon aren’t people?

Your prose is very awkward. It reads like that kind of forced-peppy stating-the-obvious style you see in childrens’ books, yet this is rated M so that’s clearly not the tone you’re going for. You also need to learn how to use commas – your sentences are structured oddly and feel very breathless. I recommend reading published books for examples of how to do this, and getting a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[This one follows Red as he goes through Kanto and stops Team Rocket. With action, adventure and romance I’m sure you’ll find something you like.]

So here’s the thing: We already played the games (or watched the anime or read the manga). We already know this particular story of action and adventure. To capture our interest, you should think about what unique spin you can put on it, what you can uniquely bring to the table. You do seem to be adding a lot more personality to the main characters, but I’m still troubled by the fact you don’t establish a clear plot. If you’re just trying to copy the game, you’re going to peter out. That’s not an indictment of your skill, that’s based on years of observation and the fact that the games don’t really have a plot, if we’re being honest. This thread discusses this in more detail: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12864064/1/Unova-s-Secrets

[When a 14-year-old boy finds a Timburr that is determined to earn its respect through heated battles, he pleads to go on an adventure and finds his true purpose that had been hidden inside him all these years.]

This is pretty vague, and could describe a lot of stories. Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. If you want to argue about this, take it to fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

[“How the Arceus did it get in here?”]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. (This… isn’t even the right substitution anyway.) It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[I’m very insistent on locking all my doors and windows before going to bed – insistent enough to put my main priorities (including eating, sleeping, that sort of thing) under it.

Perhaps it could have broken in using its weapon? No, that’s immensely unlikely; I’m not a deep sleeper, and the sound of glass breaking would have woken me easily. Even if I somehow didn’t wake, why would it still be here after breaking in at night – it was now late morning. If so, it wouldn’t want to be here for at least six whole hours.

Regardless of my queries and concerns, I had to do something. I’m not too big of a Pokémon trainer, so I’m not too good at battling, but I had to catch it some way or another. Ugh, let me give it a shot.]

This slow, logical tone is really at odds with the scene as depicted. If a wild animal is rampaging through your house, you don’t have time to think about all of this.

[When Asriel was collected by my mother at the Pokémon Shelter, the carer informed her that the fire Pokémon had some battling potential and could use Ember and Tackle.]

This information is unnecessary and throws a wrench into the tense pacing here. No one will be confused if you show a pokemon using a pokemon attack without explanation.

[Poké Ball in hand, I entered the lounge room and threw it at the unsuspecting Timburr. The Ball stopped in air, landing on the floor after two seconds. It rolled back and forth, making a metronome sound each time it rolled to the edge of falling over. The circular button on the centre of the Ball flashed, shooting holographic stars out in celebration. I caught another Pokémon! Another buddy for me, in my possession.]

…Do you not see how sociopathic this is? Pokemon are living beings, and he’s only seeing this one as a tool to be taken and used for his own benefit. What I want to know is why it came to his house in the first place and what it wants.

[One – I’m way past being ten years old (the year most kids head out on their journeys): I’m fourteen. Old enough to handle myself when I’m alone]

Yes, and that means you’ve cut off interesting potential avenues of story. We’ve already seen ten-year-olds handle the journey just fine, so obviously a fourteen-year-old will have even less trouble. Conflict and hazards are what stories are made of.

[I run over to the Poké Ball and grab it. I could feel rumbling inside, probably the failed efforts of the Timburr trying to escape.

Now I know this adventure will be a blast.]

Oh great, so you’re not even using the “pokemon who go near trainers totally want to be captured!” rationalization. Your protagonist is a monster and I hope the timburr kills him.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. You haven’t yet shown how this will be meaningfully different from the quite literally thousands of other stories with the same premise. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12864067/1/Zinnia-s-Secret

[I prepped and hidden myself right behind a large tree]

You seem to have dropped a word here.

[Despite under the starry night in Little Root Town was quiet and pitch-black, I could still have managed to see and tell apart through the actions of the silhouette.]

And this is just incoherent. Are you not a native speaker? I literally cannot understand what you are trying to say in your prose. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer or pokeball. Or champion. If you want to argue about this, take it to fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12864369/1/The-Lilting-Misdreavus-A-Pok%C3%A9mon-Story

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. If you want to argue about this, take it to fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[According to the ancient legends of the most intricate woods of Unova, dwelled a young and very graceful Misdreavus with a voice as pleasant to the ear as the voice of a song-bird]

There’s something weird here – “dwelled a young and very graceful…” is a sentence fragment, as it doesn’t connect to “According to the ancient legends of the most intricate woods of Unova”. You’d need something like “In the most intricate woods…”

You seem to be missing line breaks; everything is stuck together into one wall of text, which makes it difficult to read. You can use double line breaks to separate paragraphs.

[The shade was beginning to clear his throat]

You refer to the shade as “her” elsewhere, but use “his” here.

[one of those hunters that keep the air rifle and swollen saddlebag]

…What? I’m guessing this makes more sense in your native language, but this isn’t a natural construction in English.

[Something you should give me in return. I want your eyes”]

This needs to end in punctuation.

This is a very pretty and atmospheric story, but it doesn’t seem to have much to do with Pokemon. It looks to me like you took a real fairy tale and just replaced some words with Pokemon terms. I see a lot of references to real-life history and culture, like “today was fifty years of the glorious moment when Frederick the Great invaded Saxony”. You also overuse five-dollar words, making many of the meanings unclear and the prose hard to follow.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12864409/1/Thunderbolt

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

Battles should be more than just a mechanical exchange of attack commands. Actually describe what’s going on.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12864466/1/The-Two-Constants

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon. “Professor” shouldn’t be capitalized either if it’s not appended to a name, though. The same logic also applies to “gym”.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Half an hour later, dressed in her favourite pink skirt and a white blouse, having managed to corral her long blonde hair into a ponytail approaching fashionable (she always despaired that her hair could never look as perfect as her clothes), Avaline went downstairs with a huge smile on her face. It was only about 30% fake. Mum had invested so much into this move and Avaline didn’t want to disappoint her by being negative on their first day here as a family.]

This is a good example of how to make description relevant to the character and plot. Kudos.

[Avaline felt a little homesick but it was nice to see her mother smile like that.]

You need commas before conjunctions such as “but”. You make this mistake in a few other places.

[leaving behind the only home she’d ever own really meant]

This is a very unfortunate typo.

[Avaline nodded, trying not to feel too downhearted at the thought of Appa, the cute little phanpy she’d left behind in Johto. There were strict laws about transporting pokemon species across borders and phanpy weren’t native to Kalos. He’d always been so cheerful and sweet. She’d left him with her best friend, Mariko, so she could be sure he had a good home but it had been heartbreaking saying goodbye. Pokemon were very intelligent but it was hard to explain to Appa why he couldn’t come with her. Avaline hoped Appa knew she really loved and missed him.]

This is a nice detail that humanizes Avaline. I hope she continues being considerate to her pokemon. Portraying pokemon as “smart but not people smart” is a difficult tightrope to walk, but is very rewarding if you can get it right.

[Avaline tried not to look too dismayed; she’d known Vaniville Town would be much, much smaller than Goldenrod City, but seriously?

“I’m sure it’ll be nice to meet them,” she said diplomatically.

“I know Vaniville is much smaller than you’re used to, but once you’ve settled in, you’ll really love Kalos, I’m sure of it.”]

Ahaha! It’s always funny when parents can read their kids like this. You do a good job of showing them as a real family.

[He’d helped to codify the recently classified fairy type as well, by definitively proving that flabébé and its evolutions weren’t grass types.]

It seems really awkward to say the fairy type is a recent discovery in-universe due to the retcon of earlier pokemon becoming fairy-type. Why didn’t Oak notice it in the clefairy of his home region? It also seems odd that you’d need a professor to confirm something is a different type when kids playing these games can figure it out in a few minutes.

[Vaniville town]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Vaniville Town”.

[On the “loose novelisation” – there are a lot of things in Pokemon Y that kinda work for a game, but not in writing. Having five main characters is one of those things. Cutting Trevor and Tierno let me spend more time developing Calem and Shauna as well as Avaline’s pokemon.]

I approve of this. There are a lot of authors who feel obligated to copy everything from the games without really knowing what to do with those elements, and it creates awkward results. That you have the confidence to know what parts you want to focus on is a good sign for the rest of the story.

This was a really nice opening! We haven’t even gotten to the professor yet, but you’ve added in a lot of characterization details. You’ve turned Avaline and Grace into real characters in their own right, and that gives me confidence you’ll develop the other characters just as well. I also love Roran, and I love that the mom is so important and a celebrity in her own right. I would say that you could perhaps have extended this chapter a little, though – the summary and your end note state that there’s going to be a deeper plot than in the games, but we haven’t seen any hint of that yet. It’s good to put your best foot forward and provide the main hook in the first chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12864585/1/Luxray-teaches-Dawn-the-Dangers-of-Skinnydipping

Blocked! A few people have been going around spamming reviews and telling people to block me, but this appears to be the only one who actually took their advice. It’s weird porn I didn’t want to review anyway, so thanks, hatefriends!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12864744/1/Kanto-Ash-Red

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

This is a mess. I should not have to tell you that the start of sentences are capitalized. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

Two reviews, one also complaining about the grammar. Other is “I have some advice but I don’t know how to say it without sounding rude otherwise great story”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12864741/1/Harris-Kiki-and-AI

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[In the middle of the battlefield stood two creatures. One was a tall yellow-black dragon with sharp, red tusks that barely had any scratches on it. Both it and the trainer that commanded it didn’t seem fazed at all. The other was a shorter, but bulkier four-legged iceberg.]

Hmm. I can see the reasoning behind giving detailed descriptions to pokemon like this, but I feel like it tends to backfire. Pokemon have such detailed designs that they’re often difficult to describe adequately – I didn’t immediately realize you were talking about a haxorus here, for example – and there is also the consideration that characters in-universe wouldn’t describe them this way, in the same way that you wouldn’t think of a dog as a “four-legged canine”. Especially as this is written in first-person, it’s more immersive to just mention the pokemon by name, especially as that frees you up to point out any truly unique characteristics that deviate from their official design.

[“Avalugg is unable to battle! Haxorus is the winner and that means this match goes to Koichi!”]

You later establish that Koichi nicknamed his haxorus. Why is it not referred to by name here?

[No sooner had the referee declared the result, the crowd went wild.]

Dropped a word here, I think.

[“C’mon Harris, lighten up a bit! What’s the harm?” Koichi cut in.]

Not really what “cut in” means. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[My heart, already beating quite fast, now when it like was pounding against my chest when the large brown ursine appeared]

Something went wrong with this sentence.

[what a remarkeable Pokémon]

Typo.

[Too scarred about facing a pro?]

You want “scared”. “Scarred” means covered with scars.

[With the command said out loud, Ursaring surrounded himself with what appeared to small white lights circulating around him. The lights turned into small, sharp rocks right before he sent attack straight towards Kiki.]

That’s Power Gem, not Stone Edge. Stone Edge raises a spike of stone from the ground.

[Good Arceus!]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. Arceus, in particular, is a pretty hands-off god and hasn’t shown to be “good” in any moral sense; I don’t know why anyone would think pleading with it would do them any good. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[“S-Supersonic!” I desperately instructed.

Steadying herself, Kiki took a deep breath and let out a loud screech that echoed throughout the entire stadium. Under the pressure of the noise vibrations, the rocks from the Stone Edge were crushed into splinters]

I’m confused why you used Supersonic for this when chatot know sound moves that do actual damage. It’d make a lot more sense for Chatter or Echoed Voice to do this.

[“I ain’t losing to a rookie and his little clown bird! Ursaring, use Hammer Arm!”]

For a supposedly experienced trainer, he’s pretty dumb if he thinks spamming a burnout move is a good idea. Part of this is I guess a disconnect from game experience and what makes an actually engaging battle – in the games we always just spam our strongest attacks, but in a story it’s more interesting to vary attacks. It might help if you establish there is some sort of cooldown effect that prevents pokemon from spamming the same attack repeatedly.

[I;ve ever seen]

Typo.

[part of me felt the most excited I’ve ever experienced in years]

“Experienced” seems like an odd word choice here; “been” is how this is normally phrased.

[“Can I ask you something Harris?”]

You need a comma before “Harris” here, as it’s a direct address.

[Don’t worry, AI.]

…He named his porygon “AI”? That seems mean. It feels pretty equivalent to naming someone “Hey, you!”

[“AI… is the entire reason why I’m on a journey in the first place,” I spoke slowly.]

“Spoke” isn’t a speech verb and can’t be paired with dialogue like this. What might work is something like [I spoke slowly. “AI… is the entire reason why I’m on a journey in the first place.”]

Ending your first chapter right before your plot hook is not a cliffhanger, it’s just kind of a dick move. Your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – it should be representative of what the whole story will be about, and introduce whatever important details that relies on. In particular, I’d really like to know what, if any, stakes are at play with this tournament. A story that’s just a bunch of battles isn’t terribly interesting without a greater purpose. This thread talks about some ways to do this: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143300790/1/Battles-Are-Boring

[I want reviews that elaborate on what is good and bad in my story, so no simple “Good Job” type comments. They’re vague and they don’t tell me much.]

I can understand why you say this. I used to add a similar note to my stories. However… you should be aware that a lot of people are very shy and require a lot of courage to comment on stories at all. Wanting reviews that are useful to you is quite justified, but if you insist too hard, it may make people too nervous to reply at all. I have genuinely seen posts from people saying they’re afraid their comment won’t be seen as good enough, so they don’t say anything at all. Isn’t that worse, really? A simple “Good job!” doesn’t tell you much, but it still lets you know that people like your story. People who want to make in-depth comments probably don’t need to be told.

[No Flames. I do NOT accept reviews that feature complaints, insults and profanities directed at my person or other authors’. I don’t care if you don’t like someone, don’t drag me into it! If the only reason you’re commenting on my story is to complain about someone on the internet, then please go away. Comments like these WILL be deleted/reported and, depending on how bad the insults are, I WILL block and/or report the perpetrators.]

Similarly, I find that saying this just makes you a target. It’s pretty obvious that people don’t want flames. And unfortunately, no one seems to be at the wheel these days, so reporting bad reviews isn’t likely to accomplish much.

[No OC or story submissions.]

I’m also surprised that you need to specify this – do you get flooded with random submissions on your other stories?

[I would also feel weird when I have to start sentences with a Pokemon with no nickname (“Ursaring, use Hammer Arm!”) but then have to write it in lowercase later.]

That is actually one of the biggest arguments for not capitalizing pokemon species: it forces you to notice that it’s really weird to use species names as given names, and encourages you to give them actual names.

It’s acceptable if you prefer to capitalize pokemon, but I would request you explain why it appeals to you. Descriptivism doesn’t mean anything goes, it means you should do things for a purpose. Color outside the lines, yes, but do it because you’re drawing a new picture, not because you’re scribble-checking that the ballpoint pen still has ink. Personally, I find capitalizing pokemon to be very jarring to the story, and it tends to bleed into other weirdness like avoiding giving pokemon real names. What makes you prefer capitalization?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12864860/1/simple-minds

Covered by Talarc.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12864862/1/A-Dream-to-Remember

Script format is indeed banned on this site, as you can see in the posting guidelines in your account menu. The administration is highly backlogged, but script format is one of the few things that does still get stories deleted. I really recommend switching to prose format to protect your story.

Otherwise covered by Talarc.