A few attempts at pokemon-trainer romance that fail to grasp the inherent issues.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12366946/1/Life-at-a-Pok%C3%A9mon-High-School
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.
You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context. You also really shouldn’t switch between first- and third-person, as they convey extremely different tones.
[It’s name]
You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.
[“C’mon, really? You’re a Meowstic, a psychic type pokémon! You love school!”]
They also love stereotypes, I presume?
[Tommorow, we go paint balling.]
How? Lucario and meowstic do not have grasping hands.
[“Paint ball! Paint ball! Paint ball!” They chanted]
Typo.
[ok…wait]
It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.
This has nothing to do with Pokemon. Your characters are acting like humans with magic powers, not magic animals. If you want to write urban fantasy high school drama, just write that, don’t drag Pokemon into it. Archive of Our Own or Fictionpress would love to host such a thing, but this site is for fanfiction only.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12371327/1/A-Pokemon-Adventure-Reborn
[How can love be a thing between a Pokemon and Human?]
By treating the pokemon as a person with their own freedom and independence. If your fic does not do this, it’s not love, it’s rape.
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.
[Kalos, a large and artistic region. Lumiose is, quite literally, the center of the city.]
A whole city cannot be literally the center of a city. Pay attention to what you’re saying.
[Almost anyone you meet could be a well known person]
Using the general you in third-person narration is awkward.
[Trainers from around the world come to challenge Champions, Cynthia being the most dominant and difficult, Diantha being second, Lance third and so on so forth.]
Random aside is random and also unnecessary. Not everything needs to be ranked.
[[Present]]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
[it’s wailing alarm]
You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[-Kitkat-]
You do not ever want to switch POVs when they’re both first-person, it’s nearly impossible to tell them apart. Stories work better if you have a consistent viewpoint anyway.
So is it common knowledge that psychic pokemon are fully sapient and capable of communication, implying all pokemon are as well? If so, why is everyone still okay with some people stuffing other people in balls and ordering them around?
Relatedly, if your main character is going to have a relationship with one of his team pokemon, a person he literally owns, that is rape.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12375099/1/team-vortex-and-the-vortexians
Try harder.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12376175/1/Pokemon
Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story. Try harder.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12385843/1/Pokemon-Large-but-Small
[” ” – Normal Speech H-H
” ” – Pokemon Speech
‘ ‘ – Thought
‘ ‘ – Whispering]
I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. Also, using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud. Furthermore, you don’t need a different denotation for whispers; that is easily accomplished by using appropriate speech tags.
[CHAPTER- 1- All to a beginning]
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12385982/1/A-Legend-is-Born-Battle-Frontier-Conquest
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
Paragraphing has rules. You should break your narration up by subject, not just for a new speaker.
[Sat on the sofa was an elderly gentleman named Spencer, he was known as the Palace Maven and was in charge of the facility known as the Battle Palace.]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.
You also look like you need to read up on comma usage in general.
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.
[Present day Pallet Town]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
In general, I’d advise you get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12385601/1/Off-My-Chest
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.
If you use horizontal lines to separate your author notes, it’s a good idea to use a different symbol for scene transitions; otherwise, your notes will look like part of the story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12385588/1/CELESTIA
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[The adult female trainer]
Is a ridiculous description. Focus on what information is important and what you’re actually trying to convey instead of just dumping information in a bland and clinical manner.
[Her eyes were blazing with passion as she gazed coldly at me]
This is an oxymoron. You can’t be blazing with passion and cold at the same time. Think about what you’re writing.
[Cue opening song: Until It’s Gone by Linkin Park]
No. This is prose. If you want to do this, go into screenwriting.
[Chapter Two]
Use the chaptering feature.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12385424/1/Rayshipping-Romance
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
[(Present Time)]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context. You also shouldn’t switch POVs within the same chapter; it’s jarring.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.
This is incredibly awkwardly written. In general, I think you need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12384454/1/The-Adventures-of-Bonnie
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. In English, Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12384407/1/Taken-An-Amourshipping-One-Shot
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or region. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.
[My friend Taiyo (Sun in Japanese)]
Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.
You have a lot of breathless sentences. You need to learn how to use commas.
If you use horizontal lines to separate your author notes, it’s a good idea to use a different symbol for scene transitions; otherwise, your notes will look like part of the story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12384780/1/Clockwork-Whispers
[But I want to improve my English, so I thought “why not?”.]
Because writing prose in a foreign language is extremely difficult. Be careful not to run before you can walk. And indeed, while this story is technically decent, the prose is very literal and simplistic, as if you have a lot of trouble putting your thoughts into words.
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.
[She looked exhausted, various scratches that were left due to Purrloins Fury Swipes could be seen.]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.
[shock.”Elly]
Missing space.
[“Elly… Why did you-” The girl smiled. “Are you alright, Blank?”]
A new speaker requires a new paragraph.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12384342/1/Changed
[Ash Ketchum, had just lost in Kalos League, and returned home, but is betrayed by his friends, Ten years later, There’s a tournament that’s being held called Champions League, and comes to the tournament , a changed man Along with his girlfriend Serena, Ash plans to get revenge, but when he meets May at the tournament, and falls in love with her.]
This is a run-on sentence. You need to learn how to use commas.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[(After Ash’s Kalos League Lost Ash’s 3rd POV)]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration. Also, you don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
In general, you need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12384077/1/Dirk-city
Your title isn’t fully capitalized.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
In general, you need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
[Also if you want you can message me or leave a comment for an OC and I might just add it. Just tell me what S/he looks like, pokemon (if any), age, role (Gym leader, random person friend etc.), bio, and personality.]
This is not a good idea. See here for details: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-OCs
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12383465/1/Pok%C3%A9Polls
Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Take this to the forums.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12383496/1/Perfect
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You’ve got coding errors. Preview your story before posting it.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12383568/1/Pokemon-Herpie-Gold
Trolling is supposed to be entertaining. Try harder.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12383814/1/Thoughts
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.
[an amusement park (or theme park/fair is how we call it here in the UK)]
Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12386173/1/pokemon-challenge
Non-story entries are banned on this site. Take this to the forums.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12386226/1/Not-The-Hero
You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.
[The Choosing Ceremony]
The what now?
[for Arceus’s sake]
Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.
Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.
Furthermore, this is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12386303/1/Cheated
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
You don’t need to list character ages. If they’re relevant, they should come up in the story.
You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.
All sentences require punctuation, not just some of them. Try harder.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12386372/1/Falling-for-a-Megapede
[the Megapede Pokémon; Scolipede]
You’re generally good about not capitalizing pokemon, but you capitalized this. Also, you want a comma there, not a semicolon.
Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.
[the blood loss soon made my lose conscience]
“Consciousness”. Conscience is morality.
[A day later…]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
[This scolipede acts]
The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.
[“My name’s Cameron. Do you have one,” I asked her kindly, to which she shook her head in response-‘no’. “Would you like me to give you a name, Scolipede?”]
While I’m glad your character at least has the decency to ask first, why wouldn’t a social animal have a name already?
[“Are you sure that you want me
to catch you, Sasha?”]
Errant line break here.
[*Shake]
This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.
I’m not clear why he needs to capture her. If this is going to be a romance, it’ll work a lot better if there isn’t such a huge power imbalance. People romancing people they literally own gets real skeevy real fast.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12386605/1/Ash-s-Harem-Quest
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.
why do people write these
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12386884/1/prolog
Please make an actual summary.
Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Don’t do this.
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12387040/1/Odyssey-Kalos
You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[Dew droplets slowly slid across the vibrant, slick green surface of the grass, creating a myriad of glistening, sparkling lights as the sun’s rays reflected off of the droplets surface.]
That last “droplets” needs an apostrophe for possession at the end, also this is purple prose. It might be fine as a normal description, but as an opening line it’s off-putting. And you continue to go on for a whole paragraph unnecessarily describing the completely ordinary surroundings. This is a bad idea for openings. You should start with information that’s relevant and novel, not something we can infer ourselves.
[it’s now distant flock]
You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.
[“Look, Axel look!”]
There should be an additional comma after “Axel” here.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[your little sister constant pestering]
Forgot the possessive here. You’re making a lot of errors in general, and I’d recommend you get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
You’re overusing unusual speech verbs (and adverbs). Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.
This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. I don’t see anything here that tells me how this is going to be significantly different than the quite literally thousands of stories with the exact same premise. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
If your fic does not do this, it’s not love, it’s rape.
And even if it does do that, it’s still kind of… a person dating a pokemon, y’know? There are problems with this premise even if the two participants are totally equal in standing.
A whole city cannot be literally the center of a city.
This still seems like an error, because “the city” here seems to refer to the entire Kalos region, but some cities are arranged in such a way that this isn’t too inaccurate a thing to say about them. New York City is a city made up of five counties, somehow, and Ikebukuro is a city nested in a city nested in a city which is also a prefecture of Japan.
Why wouldn’t a social animal have a name already?
Shouldn’t it be “My name’s Cameron. Do you have one?” And, if not, why not?
why do people write these
Moreover, why do people write these about Pokemon?
And you continue to go on for a whole paragraph unnecessarily describing the completely ordinary surroundings.
I now don’t feel quite as bad about the amount of detail I’ve put into describing the surroundings in a narrative where the natural scenery is an important theme and something the point of view is constantly noticing. And it still doesn’t hit the person reading it over the head quite so much as this.
Shouldn’t it be “My name’s Cameron. Do you have one?” And, if not, why not?
Because it’s really important that they get to give the name, and really important that it be the one and only name that ever exists, and that pokemon do not even have the ability to think of the concept of names on their own.
Every alternative I’ve proposed to this, even ones where they still end up calling the pokemon whatever they feel like, has been shot down. It’s like a virginity fetish but with names.
No, I mean, like… that, as opposed to what they wrote, which was “‘My name Cameron. Do you have one,’ I asked kindly”. My question was a grammatical one. Shouldn’t that have a question mark instead of a comma?
Yes indeed, though even I get tired of grammar mistakes after a while. The naming issue warranted focus.
I understand, I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t mistaken about the dialogue punctuation. That’s one of the areas of writing where I’m super lax. I absolutely hate how commas look at the end of a line of dialogue so I pretty much have to concsciously force myself to do it if I want it to be like that.
Gotta catch them all!
And here I thought that “Vicodin no Jutsu, a Naruto/House crossover” would be the worst fanfiction-related thing I’d read today.
I take it you’re not familiar with the term “moemon” then.
Not quite (it sounds familiar-ish but I can’t pin down specifics), but I have very picky tastes when it comes to moe entertainment.
(Now to see who takes this seriously and who thinks it’s a joke.)
Well, the deal with moemon is simple: they’re monster girls based on various pokemon and are treated as pokemon. Except “training” involves rape.
So, yeah, “gotta catch them all,” right?
… Yeah, I kinda guessed the first part, but the second part makes me think that I somehow happened to miss this. I’m pretty sure I would have remembered reading about something like that. This is some piece of fanfiction, then? Then it’s really no surprise I haven’t heard of it. I basically only read fanfiction when its personally suggested to me, and I don’t know anyone who’d suggest something like that.
It’s actually a niche subgenre of Pokemon fanfiction. FFN shows 80+ results, though some may be false positives. (That’s actually less than I expected, so there is that.)
And yeah, if your goal is reading for your own enjoyment, it’s generally wise to follow recs of people you trust when it comes to fanfiction or browse works marked as favorite by authors you like.
That’s because you’re think of pokegirls, which are ancienct and I think many are lost to time. You’ll get far more results and a lot of those plotlines. They are actually more common in the anime section.
In my case, it’s probably because of my experience with the Touhoumon romhacks (which, directly, is basically zero now that I think about it, but it’s a touhou fanwork so knowledge of the source material makes me feel like I know a lot more about it than I do).
There’s a series of Pokemon hacks called Moemon that replace all the Pokemon sprites with anime girls designed to look like the original Pokemon.
One positive thing I can say is that the old pokegirls thing was actually more fucked up than the new moemon version, since that had a big emphasis on how the pokegirls couldn’t function without regular raping and on a mechanic where they were born as ordinary human girls but if they had pokegirl blood would end up turning into a pokegirl, at which point they could either accept their fate as a fucktoy or try to escape, lose their mind, and become a fucktoy anyway, and how in another few generations there’d be no one without pokegirl blood and no adult women at all. The moemon universe is abusive but the abuse isn’t baked in by reality itself.
While I’m glad your character at least has the decency to ask first, why wouldn’t a social animal have a name already?
There’s something potentially interesting about different pokemon having different rules for names (given names, secret names, stage names for famous battlers, changing names at different points in the life cycle, accepting a nickname from a trainer because they don’t want to reveal their real name, long polysyllabic names, Puritan-style Nomenclature) but nobody thinks about it much beyond “I’m gonna name you Farto”.
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I’ve proposed everything I can think of and nope, it’s not that they don’t think of non-awful ways to do this, the awfulness is the draw.