I took some time off so these posts could catch up with present day, but I still reviewed SYOC stories as they came up, and some standard cliche stories I couldn’t resist.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12488972/1/Zyon-of-The-South

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[SS Anne]

This isn’t a movie; you don’t need to do this. It’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

[Only the most prestigious of people; powerful Trainers, millionaires, prominent people and their acquaintances would be able to get a ticket for the cruise ship.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. What you want here is either dashes or parentheses surrounding your aside, like [Only the most prestigious of people – powerful Trainers, millionaires, prominent people and their acquaintances – would be able to get a ticket for the cruise ship.]

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or shirt. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[He had been standing on the railing of the ship, waiting for the ship to reach the dock and itching for a battle to cure his boredom, he wandered around the ship]

The second comma here is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[He had dark brown hair, chocolate skin and a dazzling green eye.]

…Is this going to be a romance? People do not normally describe other people in terms of flavors unless they want to bang them.

[T-Shirt]

See you may think the capitalization thing is overly fussy but this is why I’m so insistent on it. This should be “T-shirt”; the “T” is capitalized because that’s what the shirt looks like, but “shirt” itself is not a proper noun and should not be capitalized.

[“So you must be the Kalosian everyone’s talking about, huh,” Zyon said, swinging around his necklace,” Well I do hear that they aren’t the strongest of trainers, are they?”]

Since the dialogue here is two separate sentences, the narration here should end in a period; he is completing an action after he says the thing while swinging his necklace, and starts a new action when he talks again.

[They boy turned to look]

Typo. You have others too; proofread more thoroughly.

[” Let’s take this outside. I wouldn’t want your Pokémon getting hurt in here. Last time that happened, some kid’s Raticate died.”]

And he does not feel any guilt over this whatsoever? I’m not inclined to root for a sociopath who gets animals killed for his own petty glory.

[“Alright Lizzy, let’s get him!” Zyon sent out his Goodra, ready for battle.

“Goodra, use Sludge Wave on the punk!” Zyon yelled.]

Why doesn’t Zyon nickname his pokemon?

[it’s way]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[“You’ve evaded me long enough, you sly Pokémon,” he said to himself as he walked to the Pokémon Center,” My parents died while looking for you and you’ve made run around two regions looking for you. Back then, I was too weak to even try. Now that I’m the strongest I’ll ever be, I’ll catch you. Oh yes I will. And I shall accomplish my parents’ dreams.]

??? People do not usually narrate their life stories as they do unrelated things.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12492616/1/Amor-et-Dolo

So wait, are the pokemon talking here? If pokemon are as intelligent as humans, it’s really awkward to be saying things like “it’s difficult to mistake a pokemon for a person”.

I do appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12487863/1/Mantis-Knight

[This story has no connection to pokemon, I apologize.]

If you’re really sorry, post it on Fictionpress instead of making the website unusable by filling the archive with unrelated clutter. The categories exist for a reason. Use them properly.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12494805/1/Guardians-OC-Form-on-Profile

[“I’ll make you proud, okay? I promise! Just you wait!” the boy, who stood on a gravel driveway, waved happily to his parents before swinging around and darting off.]

The narration here describes a non-speaking action, so it should be capitalized, as it’s a separate sentence from the dialogue.

You cut this chapter off too abruptly. This entire chapter is just the standard opening plus one cliffhanger that ends right before we learn what makes this story different. You need to hook people in the first chapter regardless, but this is especially a problem for a SYOC story, as submitters need to know what characters are appropriate for this specific story. The summary gives an idea of what will be going on, but it’s only a short blurb; actually seeing the premise described in the story is more helpful.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12494805/3/Guardians

Why is Arceus male in this?

[Arceus ambushed his brother to live in the farthest reaches of the universe]

I think the word you want is “banished”, not “ambushed”.

[Arceus wasn’t the only Pokemon that hatched from that egg. Another beast emerged from it a few minutes after. He was called Kageus. But something was… different about him. While Arceus reigned wisely and delighted in his subjects, Kageus hung out to the side and watched his older brother. And one day, when Arceus was watching the humans erect a temple in his honor, his sibling ambushed him.]

This is a bit… out of left field. In canon, Arceus isn’t a wise, reigning god who delights in its subjects; it sleeps through the apocalypse while someone is using its deputies to destroy the universe literally right under it. This is the sort of story you see all over real-world mythology, but it doesn’t fit very well with Pokemon canon. I’d recommend taking a look at this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[Kidra glared at him with her stunning emerald eyes.

“You ask too many questions.]

Why would she be annoyed? She likes talking to people.

[Pokemon, who were once respected and adored, are now forced to battle viciously for the petty glory of their masters.]

Finally someone gets it.

[or else we sure as the Distortion World]

What? Is this supposed to be a substitution for “sure as hell”? Please don’t do that, it sounds extremely awkward and unnatural. (The Distortion World is also not even remotely the Pokeworld’s equivalent of Hell.)

[the female bowed her head]

Using “male” and “female” as epithets is awkward; I’d recommend against it.

I’m surprised Kidra is so aggressive here. Her big trait is supposed to be survival, and picking unnecessary fights isn’t conducive to survival.

Queen is surprisingly well-behaved.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12493037/1/Iromala-Journey

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You need to tell the story in more detail. This currently reads like a summary, not a story. A chapter should be multiple paragraphs.

Are you sure you don’t want personality in your OC form?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12484051/1/Pokemon-Conquerors-of-Cobalt

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[I tried yelling but my disappeared behind me.]

Dropped a word.

[So there I was, trying to remember exactly what had been happening before I had begun my descent into death.]

This is a tedious and overused trope. It’s really obvious you’re forcing this just to create an in medias res opening before launching into the standard exposition anyway. If we need to understand the backstory to understand what’s going on, just tell the story chronologically.

[After all, if my world was in danger I’d want some hero from another world to help me.]

He has very little faith in the heroes of his world, then.

[Where was I? Oh yeah, falling from the sky. You just needed some back story. What do you mean that’s not enough?]

This tone is really annoying and not nearly as funny as you think it is, largely because I am not actually having a conversation with this idiot. This is filler. If you know your readers want information, get to the point.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Oh. My. Arceus.]

…Well, if he’s a pokemon nerd from our world, that’s actually reasonable. Still sounds ridiculous, though.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. You’ve done nothing but introduce the main character. What is the conflict? Who are the other characters? Why should we care? The first chapter should answer these questions. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12483949/1/Cold-Blood-Still-Runs-Red

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Leano stated]

No. You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[“You’ve got that right!” he laughed.]

“Laughed” is not a speech verb, so this should be capitalized.

[Long ago, Pokemon thrived. Long before human intervention, that is.]

It seems like this is a shift to a different scene? You should use a page break symbol to show that, then. This is very hard to follow currently.

[blink.”You!”]

Missing space.

This seems a little short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. You’ve introduced some things, but I still don’t have a very good idea of what the story is about or where it’s going. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12483509/1/Pokemon-Nations-At-War

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[18 nations, one nation for each type of Pokemon]

Is a nonsensical setup due to the existence of dual-types alone, let alone the fact that even within types pokemon are hugely diverse and can look nothing alike. You’re telling me luxray (predator) and pikachu (prey) get along? Really?

And given that, why do you open the story with a rhydon and alakazam working together?

[“So hey, Rhydon.”]

That makes as much sense as you being named “Human”. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s ridiculous and confusing. Your characters deserve actual names.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Ever wondered what it’s like, out there like your mother and father are. You know, at war with a kingdom.”]

This is awkward, since “out there” is usually paired with “where” rather than a state of being.

[“Whats wrong?”]

Spellcheck.

[“Don’t worry,” A Typhlosion cried in a half-scared-half-worried voice. “You’ll be okay, my dear. You’ll be okay.” The beeping of a heart monitor echoed throughout the room, causing almost a disturbance in the way the atmosphere held together. Or at least, that’s how the Typhlosion felt. His breathing was heavy and tragic Like he was holding back a river of tears from flowing out and ruining the bed he was kneeling over. Clasped in his hands was another, ill-looking, Typhlosion’s hand. It felt cold, weak, almost ghostly.

She was too ill to speak. All she could do was look at the fire type with a weak smile, almost like she was trying to reassure him everything would be okay. The beeping from the heart monitor slowed down and with it so did her pulse. More tears flooded out of the accompanying Typhlosion’s eyes. “No… Please.” He said through his tears. “Don’t… Don’t you dare die on me? Not… not now.”]

9_9

Only humans die in childbirth. Egg-laying species can become egg-bound, but that would look very different than this. Your characters are indistinguishable from humans. This is not Pokemon fanfiction, this is original fiction with your OCs’ names changed to Pokemon ones. This belongs on Fictionpress or Archive of Our Own. We are here to read Pokemon fanfiction. Don’t clutter the archive with unrelated stories.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12483473/1/Pokemon-Stories

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Bulbasaur was walking through the undergrowth of the bushes]

That makes as much sense as you being named “Human”. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s ridiculous and confusing. Your characters deserve actual names.

[the humans problem]

Spellcheck.

[When Bulbasaur deemed it save]

“Safe”. Save is a verb. Are you not a native speaker? You might want to get a beta reader here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[The first person to review will have the Pokémon of their choice in the next chapter.]

That is interactive behavior, which is against the site’s rules. Read the content guidelines.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12483470/1/From-One-Trainer-to-Another

[her Samurott and Sawk]

While I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon, the same logic applies to species names as well.

[To learn all the secrets surrounding Pokémon]

[What does being a Trainer]

[the Grunts]

You capitalized these, as well.

[The two pokémon had kicked enough Plasma-ass collectively that she wondered when the grunts would start employing better pokémon to deal with her rising level of threat.]

Hah! I love it when fics have relateable player characters.

[“Uh,” said Whitney. “…what about them?”]

When dialogue is interrupted mid-sentence, the whole thing becomes a single sentence, narration included. This might flow better as [“Uh,” said Whitney, “what about them?”].

[Her jaw worked like she was chewing the air. “Why are you telling me this? Aren’t we enemies?”

N blinked. “Maybe. But can’t enemies learn to respect one another? Just because we’re fighting for different ideals doesn’t mean we can’t try and understand them.”

This pseudo-philosophical spiel was really starting to freak her out.]

That seems a bit sudden – two sentences is hardly a “spiel”. I’d be more freaked out about the fact he set a trap for me at this point.

[“You’re thinking too critically,” N responded calmly. “It’s not about what technology has achieved; it’s about the emotions we, as living beings, experience. You don’t always need to speak with a close friend, or a family member, to know what they are thinking. Such is the case with pokémon.”

Whitney wanted to argue, because there were good trainers and bad ones, just like any other occupation. Pokémon were friends when you taught them the right way, everyone she’d talked to knew this. And yet something about the way in which N posed his argument kept her hesitant, holding her tongue, because as outlandish as it sounded, it was also well-reasoned, with nary a drop of self-importance.]

Her reasoning here feels like a complete non-sequitor. N’s explanation sounds like nonsense. Oh sure, he CLAIMS he can just ~feel~ what the pokemon are thinking, coincidentally in a manner outside of technology or any other comprehensible or verifiable method? And he can’t even tell clear thoughts, just emotions? Come on, that totally sounds like crap. There’s nothing reasonable about what he’s saying; he has only stated an argument and has not used anything to back it up other than this absurd, unverifiable claim. He absolutely does sound like a self-important madman right now, and there is clearly a lot of stigma surrounding his claim given Ghetsis beating that “freak without a human heart” line like a dead horse.

I also find the language here very interesting. Pokemon are friends if you “teach” them “the right way”? What is “the right way”? Friendship is not usually /taught/. There is one situation where it is, though: Stockholm syndrome.

This felt kinda empty. Whitney spends the whole time refusing to engage with N at all, so we learn nothing about her, N, or the topic of discussion. It’d have been nice to see a meatier conversation.

It also feels like the conversation moves too fast, almost like it took you a very long time to get all the pieces right so it ends up feeling a lot longer than it actually is? I make that mistake a lot myself. It’s good to go back over the story from the beginning to make sure everything flows naturally.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12496428/1/True-love-knows-no-Boundaries

Your title isn’t fully capitalized and contains an errant punctuation mark.

[This takes place shortly after the movie.]

Then this belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

[Pokespeech

Telepathy

Normal speech

A/N: This(‘) with italics is thoughts for the characters.]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. Bold, in particular, is a very poor choice for a standard action, as it’s very jarring in prose.

Also, using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[her brothers crystalline form]

Proofread.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Keep your tenses consistent.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. A single scene that cuts off before the inciting event does not do that. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

In general, this is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12495649/1/Jake-and-his-Pokemon-Team

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[This story is about… Well just like any other story of Pokemon. The OC get his/her Pokemon, facing rivals (OC), etc. The newly trainer, would adventure the Region of Tunod (Which is from a ROM Hack Game of Pokemon called “Pokemon Glazed” if any of you know it, or played it.) but some slight changes a bit.]

You might also want to pick a more original plot. What you’ve described – aping the games’ format – is not a plot. A string of dungeons and battles is not interesting outside of a video game. 99% of those “like any other stories” flame out for precisely this reason. Those “slight changes” might be a worthwhile plot, but you’d have to explain them in more detail.

I strongly recommend reading these:

fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/143106745/1/Things-to-Consider-in-OT-Fic

fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/143363660/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-2

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes your story unreadable.

[*Flashback*]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

In general, this is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12501416/1/Pokefusion-Frontier-SYOC-Open

This is really hard to follow. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[Giratina, the natural enemy of Arceus]

Nowhere in canon is this ever so much as implied. Your cosmology has a lot more to do with Christianity than with Pokemon. I strongly recommend reading this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

Regardless, I am intrigued and will submit a character.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12450168/2/Pokemon-Kanto-Academy

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12503830/1/Kalos-Hope

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[What if Ash Ketchum started in another Region? What if he started on his Pokemon Journey when he was a bit older? What if he met Serena earlier on? What if he met and made Froakie his first Pokemon in place of Pikachu?]

Then he would be an OC and you would be writing a story that has no real relation to his original journey. Just write an OC with an original journey if that’s what you want to do. Insisting your OC is Ash is just weird and confusing.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[the other ten year old’s]

That apostrophe shouldn’t be there, as this is a plural, not a possessive.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12503616/1/The-Pokehuman-Experiment

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[What if instead of using Mega Evolution on Pokemon, we could use Mega Fusion?]

Eh. There are already a zillion franchises about fusing with mons and basically reducing them to power accessories. I find that what makes Pokemon unique and interesting is that the mons are distinct, separate beings.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[it’s candles]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[“But sir,” One of the scientists said. “We’ve already given her five doses today. Are you sure it’s safe to give her more?” Doctor H turned to the man who addressed him. He walked towards him and instead of replying, he quickly pulled out a Pokeball and tossed it into the air. A bright light shot out of the ball and in front of the doctor appeared a Pokemon that resembled a sentient chandelier. The man gasped and took a small step away from the ghost Pokemon.

“Chandelure,” Doctor H said with a horrifying calm smile. “Take his soul.”]

Wow, he’s dumb.

How is this organization still functioning? You can’t make physical limitations go away by pretending they don’t exist, and this kind of behavior ensures he’s surrounding himself with incompetent yes-men who won’t warn him when things go wrong. And that’s assuming they even have the manpower to keep throwing people into the meatgrinder – people working in the super illegal top-secret laboratory are probably not disposable new hires.

[a female said]

Don’t use “male” or “female” as epithets, it sounds really weird.

[So than where is it?]

You want “then”. “Than” is for comparisons.

This seems a bit short for a first chapter – you haven’t even introduced the main character. I don’t have a very good idea of who this guy is or what he’s doing yet, but the first chapter should give some idea of what your story is about and where it’s headed. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12503594/1/The-Sun-and-the-Moon

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12503936/1/Balance

[“I am NOT that skinny.]

Forgot the endquote here.

[“In a minute, he would’ve exploded,” he winked.]

This should be [“In a minute, he would’ve exploded.” He winked.] since you can’t wink a sentence; the wink is a separate action.

[The five suited up into their hero gear]

??? Is this a superhero story now? What is the purpose of this “hero gear”? Does it have some practical purpose, like body armor? Is it just a uniform so people know they’re part of the association?

Okay, I’m really confused here.

[The Kalos region has suddenly been overrun with horrible, shadowy monsters.]

How is this meaningfully different from the horrible monsters that have already overrun the world, that is to say, pokemon? It’s really baffling to me why you’re taking a setting that already has natural monsters and piling completely new monsters on top. They don’t seem to be related to pokemon at all, which makes this even more confusing. That also means that this in medias res opening is too disorienting – you’re using a setting people should be familiar with, but you’ve modified it so heavily it’s basically an original setting now. I need more explanation than is provided here to understand what’s going on. Really, what is the role of pokemon in all this? Why are you choosing to set this in the Pokemon universe when people appear to be reacting to the sudden appearance of monsters no differently than people in a world that didn’t have monsters already? Are pokemon useful against the monsters and if so, how? We don’t even see anyone fight the monster here.

Your OC submission instructions also reference tons of things that aren’t explained here at all. What are these pokemon fusion people and why must the OCs be fusions? Why aren’t they going to appear until much later? Are you going to use them for some specific purpose? I’d like to submit a character, but I can’t possibly know how to make a good one if I have no idea what I’m making them for.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12503919/1/Conquest-in-Sinnoh

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[After dominating the Kanto battle frontier, Ash is heading for Sinnoh to conquer the Lily of the Valley conference but could he conquer it when multiple problems arise between his journey?]

This needs a comma after “conference”.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12503998/1/In-the-Spaces-Between-Words

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12504044/1/Legend-of-Cormine

This is incoherent. Are you not a native speaker? You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12504373/1/Sash

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12504852/1/I-m-in-Love-with-You

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

A drabble is a story consisting of exactly 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for any short story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12507348/1/Of-Kings-Stars-and-Broken-Dreams

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[You are not the first to be asked, however, you are special.]

The first comma here is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[battle field]

You want “battlefield”, one word.

This is rather insubstantial for a first chapter. Who are these people? What is the story going to be about? Why should I care? The first chapter should answer those questions, especially in a SYOC story where people need to tailor their characters to fit the story. The submissions you get will be much more useful if people know what you intend their characters for.

For instance, who are these “kings”? Why are they here? What is their significance? Why might a character want to support them? This element seems central to your story, so without knowing anything about them, I will have trouble providing a good character.