One decent fic about Guzma and a really disjointed N/Hilda fic that does nothing to sell the relationship. Otherwise boring.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12538444/1/You-re-mine-I-decided

[reverse rape (F force M)]

Do not ever call it this. This terminology normalizes the idea that female-on-male rape is a weird, absurd thing that only exists in porn instead of a real and serious issue.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Arceus, where’s your owner?]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

I do appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12539572/1/Moon-of-Alola

Read this: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or gum leader. Or island challenge. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[A few of the locals preferred the story of the Tapu.]

And don’t even try to tell me you’re just following the game’s capitalization rules. These aren’t even capitalized in the games.

[Very few knew why the owners of the lot, that would one day become Po Town, left in such a hurry.]

That first comma shouldn’t be there.

[The stories ranged from finding a gang of ghost-types in the old mansion to realizing the houses and gardens where built atop a burial site; none of which were true, if you were to believe the history books and historians in Alola than the locals and their crazy tales.]

I think you lost track of this sentence towards the end; the last clause makes no sense. This is also improper semicolon usage, as the second part isn’t an independent clause. You need to change the semicolon to a comma, or change the phrase to “none of them were true”.

[The real story, and one the locals always seem to forget to tell tourists, is that]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[There was only one good thing about Po Town that the locals could all agree on; the rent was extraordinarily cheap.]

You want a full colon here, not a semicolon. I really recommend reading up on proper semicolon usage; you’re misusing them all over the place. I also recommend reading up on comma usage, as you’re dropping a lot of them.

If you use horizontal lines to separate your author’s notes, you should use a different symbol for scene transitions; otherwise, your author’s notes look like part of the story.

[“…that too…but you,” the Kahuna was holding a cup of cold coffee while his guest held a Pancham in her arms and a pair of Meowth on each shoulder, her tea forgotten by the table. “…you got the whole town plus the houses for just 70…”]

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but you’re tripping up on a niche rule here. When dialogue is interrupted mid-sentence by a non-speaking verb, you can’t end it with a comma (as that implies a speaking verb). This should be something like [“…that too…but you…” The kahuna was holding a cup of cold coffee while his guest held a pancham in her arms and a pair of meowth on each shoulder, her tea forgotten by the table. “…you got the whole town plus the houses for just 70…”].

[The real story was that it was a requirement for a league to have gyms and trainers to challenge those aiming to become the League Champion.]

No, it isn’t. No one put up a fuss about Kukui challenging the Indigo Plateau. They challenged him fairly and he lost because he sucks, that’s all. There is really no reason for them to care other than to be racist dicks.

[Alola not having gyms sent a rather different message to the other regions; the Island Challenge didn’t seem fair to them. Traditions dictated that only those of a certain age could participate in the challenge and those same traditions called for captains to end their reign after they hit their twenties. Gyms did not care for age, and their leaders could stay for years in their position unless they quit or retired.]

And I know you try to justify it with this, but seriously, why do they care? Challenging the league isn’t obligatory. If foreigners want to do a mainlander challenge then yes, they have to play by their rules, as Kukui presumably did. But the entire world does not have to operate that way. There’s no reason for them to decree Alola’s traditions aren’t good enough and must be replaced, other than imperialism.

[If you wanted to become a Captain and hold a trial, one had to train with the local Kahuna and then take a test and if one didn’t pass, they would never become Captains…and since only Captains were younger than twenty, one had to wonder if Alola would one day run out of Captains to pick.]

One would also have to be very stupid not to notice that they haven’t run out of captains over the country’s entire history. The dragon trial was ancient, remember. The system has been in place for a very, very long time. I know this is a radical idea, but maybe the people who have lived there for ages do in fact know what they’re doing better than random foreigners?

I’m really not interested in reading a story about how hard it is for white imperialists to crush native traditions for their own glory.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12539676/1/Pokemon-Sun-and-Moon-The-Forgotten

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Not using capital letters makes me not want to read your story. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12539696/1/Mirrors-and-Glass-doors

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

[he pretends that everything people say to him doesn’t hurt him. he acts]

Capitalize your sentences.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This does not do that. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12540055/1/Stranded-in-unova

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[In ss anne.]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12540908/1/Sierra-s-Story

Read this: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or branch chief. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[The Decidueye used the move obediently, preventing the worker’s Kadabra from switching out and dealing damage at the same time. Sierra barely smiled as she barked the next command, “Shadow Ball.”. Decidueye shot a Shadow Ball at it’s opponent, fainting it with ease.]

This isn’t a visual medium. Just saying that a move was used is really boring. Try to break out of the mechanical nature of the games and describe battles more dynamically. This thread explains more on the topic: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143300790/1/Battles-Are-Boring

Also, you want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

Well, that ended abruptly. This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This is all summary and backstory; you haven’t even shown a single real scene yet. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

How exactly is she so unaware of what’s going on? She supposedly has the same rank as Faba and has access to the secret labs, yet she never read the years’ worth of notes until now? If they were trying to keep her in the dark, they shouldn’t have given her access to the research notes in the first place.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12540993/1/Moon-s-Mutt

Read this: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Opening your story with an infodump generally disengages readers. It feels very clinical and detached despite how important it should be. I also don’t really buy that this would be so devastating to her to the point she cuts all social ties. Why is she investing so much of her self-worth in a foreign tourist challenge? Is there really nothing else for her in the whole world other than competing in tournaments?

[The other’s being left behind in Alola.]

Don’t need the apostrophe.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12541087/1/My-Story-Will-Last-Forever-Kanto

Read this: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Not your usual OC fic]

This is useless. If you have an actual plot that distinguishes this from the quite literally thousands of other OT fic on the site, you should advertise that up front so prospective readers can know if the plot is something they’re interested in.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[A cool, overcast day in Azure, on June 25th, at 10:30 AM]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I will, mom.]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

It’s good that you’re putting more work into describing the battles than just a mechanical exchange of attacks… but that doesn’t fix the problem that these kinds of battles are incredibly boring. Generic battles are fun in the game because the game is fun, and they can be interesting in the anime because the anime is a visual medium that can use spectacle to its advantage. But this is a story, and in a story, scenes must have a narrative purpose. These battles do not; they take up a lot of space, but they tell us nothing about the characters, and provide no tension because there are no consequences for losing. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143300790/1/Battles-Are-Boring

And really, that extends to this whole chapter. The game doesn’t have a plot, which means it isn’t interesting when adapted to novel format. To you, every single battle and capture in the game can be an exciting, memorable experience; but they aren’t for your readers. What is this story about? Why should I care, and keep following? Do you have a plan, going forward? If you can’t answer those questions, you are likely to peter out. You’ve hinted that you do have a real story planned, but I see neither hide nor hair of it in this fairly long chapter, which isn’t good. If you have something that sets you apart from the crowd, you should get to the point. You don’t have to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

These threads can explain these points in more detail:

fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12541175/1/Breathe-Out-and-Breathe-In

[Sometimes he just can’t believe he helped make someone this small. Sometimes he just can’t believe he helped make someone this good.]

This is word salad, and therefore useless as a summary. On AO3 you can make up for vague summaries with tags, but you can’t do that here. Please do your readers the courtesy of telling them what your story is actually about.

And it’s a shame too, because this is really nice. Guzma is an interesting character to explore, and I like this positive look at his future. He never struck me as a completely bad guy, so it’s really sweet to see him being so nice to his children when he had such a bad childhood himself.

But… You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12541296/1/Hau-oli-Academy

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12541477/1/slaves-of-greatness

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

This is a mess. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12541487/1/You-Don-t-Love-Me

If you separate your author notes with a horizontal line, you should use a different symbol for scene breaks; otherwise, your author notes can look like part of the story.

[He stood, exiting her room. “No, you don’t,” he said before heading downstairs to say goodbye to her mom and brother.

“Ow!” Hilda winced as N cleaned the scrapes on her knees. He looked up briefly.]

I think you forgot to put a scene break here.

[Nate and Rosa may have defeated him, but he still escaped.]

Ah, it’s nice to see people using both of the protagonists instead of only one.

[“How about we go to Pinwheel Forest?” He suggested.]

Dialogue formatting rules remain constant regardless of punctuation. “He suggested” should be in lowercase here, since it’s a speech verb.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[“Arceus, I love you,”]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

This is really disjointed. Despite the fact this shows their relationship from beginning to end, I don’t have the first clue what attracted Hilda to N in the first place. Why is he so important to her? What’s happening between these massive scene jumps? Without that knowledge I can’t feel anything at the SUDDENLY TRAGIC DEATH, especially since Hilda is a blank slate so it’s really on you to characterize her.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12541585/1/Pokemon-Squads-of-Justice

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[“humans”

“pokemon”]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. And you shouldn’t be using bold for standard actions anyway, as it’s too jarring in prose.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This is really hard to follow. Are you not a native speaker? I strongly recommend getting a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12541519/1/DRAGONS-OF-THE-SKY-A-story-of-the-Kalos-War

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

[a Cannon]

Is not a proper noun and therefore should not be capitalized.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This isn’t even a full scene. You need to actually show us your story, not just hint that there will be one eventually. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12541277/1/Sun-and-Moon-Michael-s-journey

[The final battle with Greevil take a different turn… and Michael was left die on the island by an vengeful villain, unable return to his family ever again. But Michael find himself in a world similar to his own as he appear on the sand of Alola where a new beginning for him and journey to regain something lost to his heart.]

Uh… are you not a native speaker? This is really weirdly phrased, and you have a lot of dropped words. I really think you need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12540658/1/Better-Together

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[somewhere around 5’10]

If you’re giving height to the exact inch, that’s not “around”. You shouldn’t do that anyway, as most people don’t have a good mental image for it and even fewer are going to remember such a small detail. Just say he’s tall.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12541663/1/A-Jay-The-Pikachu

[I will barley be doing intros]

You want “barely”. Barley is a type of grain.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[When a human is brought to live in the world of Pokemon their age, personality, and memory doesn’t change nor does it get erased but it matters who they are as a human to justify if they are worthy enough to posses another Pokemon or become one themselves.]

This is a run-on sentence.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This isn’t even a full scene, you’ve just told us the premise. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

In general, you should get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12541685/1/The-Omega-Episode

[Characters will also have different personalities than in canon.]

Then why are you insisting they’re the canon characters? They’re not, they’re your OCs. Just write OCs if you want to write OCs, calling them canon characters is just annoying and confusing.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12542068/1/On-the-Road-So-Far-With-the-Very-Reluctant-Trainer

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[“Mom can I go see the orange one that has a volcano on its back,” was what a jumping ten year old by the name of Simon asked his mom when they were in line at pokemon exhibition to get t-shirts.]

That is a really overwrought sentence. Slow down and focus on what you want to say. The story will flow better if you space information out instead of dumping it on the readers all at once.

[” say cheese” the technician stated in a voice much too cheerful for that early in the morning.]

“Stated” is pretty much the exact opposite of a “too cheerful” voice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This gets more incoherent the further I read. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12542134/1/The-Battle-of-Rova

[Kings and Queens]

Are not proper nouns and therefore should not be capitalized.

[The Kingdom of Rova is an idyllic country where modern technology coexists with the traditions of Kings and Queens. But Rova is not as picture perfect as it seems. The dark edge of corruption has infiltrated the country. Our heroes must embark on epic quest across the Kingdom to make right what has been made wrong.]

That is a really vague summary that can describe literally dozens of high fantasy stories. You might want to make it clearer what your story, specifically, is about.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12542985/1/Ashura-Ketchum-the-Elemental-Warrior-of-Kanto

[“They were all gone.” “Taken from me by one man’s desire.” “I am Ashura Ketchum: the Elemental Warrior of Kanto.]

Please make a real summary.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12543146/1/Ask-Plusle-and-Minun

Interactive stories are banned on this site. Take this elsewhere.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12543290/1/My-Adventures-With-Ash-Ketchum

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[*THEME SONG STARTS PLAYING*]

Don’t do this. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

I recommend you get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12542999/1/Reasons

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[Lance’s reasons for moving from Kanto to Johto.]

He never did. Kanto and Johto share a league.

[I left Kanto because of reasons: personal, duty or loyalty]

This needs punctuation, and is a confusing sentence besides. Did you mean “AND loyalty”?

[the monotone duties set in]

I believe you mean “monotonous”. Monotone refers to a type of sound.

[Being champion is a commitment, it isn’t something you can let go of.]

…Isn’t it, though? It is unclear given that the game champions always remain no matter how many times you beat them, but it sure seems like it should be possible to usurp a champion. I also see no reason why resignation wouldn’t be possible.

[It dug up my family’s long-forgotten history of stealing draconic pokemon and proceeded to accuse me of theft because I had three, that was the first thing that made me consider moving regions.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[that was the closest region you could get to]

Using the general you in third-person sounds awkward. I recommend rephrasing this.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12543455/1/Hellview

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[a furious Queen]

This shouldn’t be, though.

Hm. This seems like an interesting idea in theory, but I don’t feel really engaged with these characters. Maybe the problem is that, well, the static generic trainer NPCs are static and generic. You’ve given them a bit of personality, but most of it is ruminating on the fact that they’re never been anywhere and will never go anywhere, which is kind of dull. What little story there is here still revolves around Rosa, rather than giving us much insight into the characters.