A great surreal SuMo novelization today, and a HGSS adaptation that was good up until it started talking about how funny it was the trainer’s pokemon didn’t want to get beaten into the pavement for his personal glory because pokemon don’t get to have opinions. I also read through one of the more coherent pokescrewing fics just to complain about the biology.

Anime count: 19

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13013334/1/Awakening-of-the-Blinding-One

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13013162/1/Kalos-Roads

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[This is the world of Pokemon. This world is much different from our own in many ways. One of these difference is the existence of creatures called Pokemon. These Pokemon roam the waves, the skies, and the land. Some wield great power while others rely on tactics. These creatures are simply extraordinary. However, these Pokemon who could easily overpower humans, live in peace with humans, and they work together as friends, partners, or companions. However, this partnership is not where our story begins.]

…Then why did you spend a paragraph talking about it? Everyone here is already familiar with Pokemon. The cool thing about fanfiction is that you don’t have to explain the setting.

[Normally she’d be up by at least midnight.”Ross sighed]

Missing space here.

[“Alright, let’s get this right…” He stated]

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. If you don’t know, the full rules are: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I actually used Grammarly to help me proofread this chapter]

That’s not a good idea. Grammarly is for formal papers and makes a lot of mistakes if you use it for prose. It’s best if you understand the underlying logic of grammar so it becomes intuitive to you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13013148/1/Lucario-Lemon

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13013030/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Emerald-er-version

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[The adventures of Alex and his cowardly Torchic, Flare, as they team up to go on a dangerous and exiting adventure across Hoenn to win the Pokémon league as they are secretly followed by Team Rocket, a perverted Seedot, and a Treeko with an attitude problem.]

This, too, is a rather generic summary. It tells us there will be a few unique set pieces here, but nothing about how they relate to the greater story. What’s this story about, beyond the generic trainer journey we’ve already experienced by playing the games already? Is the fact that the protagonist has a cowardly starter going to be a really serious element that drastically impacts his ability to fight, or is it just going to be a cute quirk?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Starting a Pokémon journey is always exiting and stressful, but for Alex it was more so, after having to put it off for four long years to wait for his sister to reach the proper age.

His mother deemed it “only fair”.

Alex deemed it “full of crap”.]

…What’s stopping him, exactly? The entire point of the trainer journey is that the trainers are self-sufficient anyway. I don’t see what leverage she could be holding over him unless she’s abusive enough that child protective services should be called in. Did he try to negotiate with her on this at all? Where is his dad in this?

[In reality him and his sister Amanda were the only ones receiving starter Pokémon that day.]

Birch doesn’t give out starter pokemon to everyone. The manga, and other trainers, show that most kids get their pokemon through other means. Again, this gets into how Alex should be more proactive if he cares so much – most of the bug catchers in the early sections appear to be younger than the player characters, and they explicitly say they just ran out and caught their bugs themselves. What’s stopping Alex from doing that?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You can use different symbols to convey different types of speech, like you’re doing with the pokemon here, but the same punctuation rules still apply.

Even aside from that, your dialogue is really hard to follow. I feel like I am reading a bunch of disembodied voices talking about things I can’t see. Slow down, and describe where the speakers are and what they’re doing. In real life, people don’t stand around and do nothing when they talk, right?

So, is there a purpose to Alex understanding pokemon speech? That’s a really significant, game-changing ability to just throw in. If pokemon have human-level intelligence and Alex knows this, it throws the entire trainer system into question. Why do pokemon need to be carted and ordered around like animals? Why is Alex okay with everyone else treating these people like animals? I can understand the desire to make your protagonist special, and talking pokemon does make it easier to characterize them, but you should think through what elements you’re including and whether they fit the rest of your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13013002/1/Operation-GEAR-The-Gardener-of-Gratitude

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13012990/1/Ashes-Awesome-Adventures

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You want “Ash’s”, apostrophe for possessive. “Ashes” is plural.

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[S-sorry mom i just]

I should not have to tell you that “I” is capitalized. If you’re not going to put effort into writing this, don’t expect people to put effort into reading it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13012840/1/mightier-than-the-sword

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[penn travels across the alola region and far beyond, dodging a fate that will never let them go]

This is a little vague as a summary. Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s this “fate that will never let them go”? Why is it important? What’s this story going to be about?

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[the island’s Tapu]

This actually isn’t capitalized, though – it’s a real word, and you can see it’s not capitalized even in the games.

[Their mothers smile]

Missing apostrophe.

[Penn opens stinging eyes to find it gone and a warm stone tucked into her palm.]

You refer to Penn as “her” here.

[he sticks his head into one of bags pockets]

Missing word, I think.

[an: this was fun to write but i don’t know if i’ll continue it. it’s labelled in-progress because i might. thoughts?]

Yes! Your style is lovely. The description here is beautiful and ethereal. I get a sense of wonder and magic in the way you describe even the most mundane things. I also really like the way you’ve handled the timeskips – fanfiction is great in the way you can skip around in the timeline and still have people understand what’s going on and what you’re referring to, and this is an excellent example of how to do that. You strike a great balance of initial mystery – “wait, what just happened, what’s going on now?” – and slowly trickling out hints so that we understand perfectly by the end of the scene.

[(- and the legend-touched never return whole, never return human, empty by measures, in pieces, in pieces, in pieces -)]

And this is a fascinating bit of worldbuilding. I love the legendaries as strange gods and how humans might relate to them, and I’m curious to see how you’ll explore that angle.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13012789/1/The-Blue-Dream

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Not using apostrophes makes me not want to read your story. You need to put effort into writing if you want people to put effort into reading.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13012760/1/Desires

Previously reviewed, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13012486/1/It-s-not-over-til-the-end

Previously reviewed, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13012281/1/DAWN-OF-ASH

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

This needs a summary.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Not capitalizing “I” makes me not want to read this any further. You need to put effort into writing if you want people to put effort into reading.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13012436/1/Pokemon-Ultra-Sun-Ultra-Moon

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

So… Pokemon isn’t very well-suited to novelizations, even the plot-heavy SuMo. Most of the plot is just an excuse to catch pokemon and fight battles. If you want to construct a novel out of that, you’ll need to work overtime adding your own original content and making your own spin on things.

[Elio, Selene, and Hau are traveling through the Alola region in hopes of completing their island challenges and becoming the strongest trainers in the region. But along the way, they meet friends and foes alike. Who will help them get through their challenges, and who will get in their way?]

The place where you should advertise that is your summary, but this is a very generic thing that just describes the game itself, which we’re already familiar with. Many, many other people have tried this before only to wither away after a few chapters. To hook and keep readers, you should think ahead and try things that make you stand out from the crowd.

[It wasn’t easy talking her caretaker, Wicke, into the idea that she was going to escape the Aether Paradise. Lillie had seen her mother Lusamine and Branch Chief Faba perform horrific experiments on Nebby and knew that it wouldn’t be long before they accidentally killed the Pokémon in their blind research. After her older brother escaped from the Foundation with a prototype Pokémon a year ago, her mother implemented strict security policies to make sure Lillie wouldn’t dare follow his footsteps. Eventually, Wicke came around to the idea of getting Lillie and Nebby out of the Foundation, and together they had come up with an escape plan. Per Wicke’s instructions, she was to meet with Professor Burnet in Heahea City on Akala Island, as Professor Burnet had spent her life researching Pokémon with similar capabilities to Nebby.]

This whole paragraph, for instance, is a really weird decision if you’re going to be following the rest of the game’s plot to the letter. The opening of SuMo is supposed to be a mystery. You have no idea who this girl is, what this place is, who the people chasing her are, anything. Over the course of the game, little details slot into place – okay, so Lillie was the girl in the opening, but who were the other people and why was she running from them? Oh, they were Aether Foundation, but why was she running from them when they’re obviously such nice people??? It’s only late in the game that it all comes together and we get everything laid out so neatly like this.

If you just explain all of that up front… the arc becomes filler. We’re no longer figuring out the mystery with the MC, we already know everything but we have to wait most of the story for them to catch up.

Now, this is going to be the case even if you make this segment as vague as the game opening, because everyone reading this is already familiar with the plot. There are cool things you can do with dramatic irony here, if you instead shift the focus to how the protagonist interacts with Lillie and how they react to figuring out the details. But in any case, this scene is unnecessary. Its only purpose is to convey information that the readers already know. It’s much better if you jump straight to your main characters, thus showing us your unique additions to this story, because that’s stuff we don’t know.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Lillie’s had only one goal in mind]

You don’t need that possessive there.

[“Nebby, stay quiet!” She pleaded]

Dialogue formatting rules remain constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“Nebby, stay quiet!” she pleaded]

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13012278/1/Eve-of-Evolution

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13012217/1/Mewtwo-The-Cloned-Legendary

Blocked, previously encountered. Anime, I think.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13011846/1/Not-Always-Black-or-White

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13011592/1/Rise-to-the-top

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Not using commas makes me not want to read your story. You need to put effort into writing if you want people to put effort into reading.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13011282/1/Learning-to-Live

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[After a couple more seconds of struggling to breath]

You want “breathe”. Breath is the noun.

[Wasteful as it may seem, it did help point out to her a couple of noteworthy bullet points.]

That seems like an oddly human phrase for this.

[mid-length up her body- her stomach, if she had to guess-]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[She hasn’t experienced fear since the invasion from inland]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[“OH MY GOD I HAVE BOOBS!”]

…Why would she care?

The description here feels off. This sounds like how a human would think about this situation, not another being entirely. Moreover, her confusion seems overstated – the tapu are pretty involved with humans, so I don’t see why they’d be confused at even the very concept of having limbs.

That, the fact you keep calling this ancient god a “girl”, and the following detailed description of her boobs and bikini makes this look like fetish fic. If it is, please tag for it. If not, consider not sexualizing everything.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13010983/1/Seven-lemons

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13010502/1/Krystelized-Oddisee

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

So… Pokemon isn’t very well-suited to novelizations, even the plot-heavy SuMo. Most of the plot is just an excuse to catch pokemon and fight battles. If you want to construct a novel out of that, you’ll need to work overtime adding your own original content and making your own spin on things.

[Crystal, a new trainer, arrives in Alola ready to make a name for herself. The cousin of a world-famous Pokemon Trainer, she hopes to make a name for herself.]

The place where you should advertise that is your summary, but this is a pretty generic overview that could describe literally thousands of stories here. The cousin thing sounds like it might be an interesting addition, but since you don’t go into detail I can’t tell how important it’s going to be or how it’s going to work. To hook and keep readers, you should think ahead and advertise things that make you stand out from the crowd.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[~ Aether Paradise ~ 29 February 2016 ~]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring. The date here is potentially significant since it takes place prior to the main story, but it’s not really necessary – as shown in the game itself, having the characters explain that Lillie arrived some time ago is enough for us to understand what happened.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Testicles crawled out of the black hole, grabbing hold of anyone that got it their paths.]

Uh… I really hope you meant “tentacles” there. You really want to proofread to avoid embarrassing errors like this.

[Throughout the chaos lonely girl made her desperate escape.]

Dropped a word.

[Lillie, a bright younger researcher working her internship on the man-made island]

Wait, what? Making changes is all well and good, but if you’re going to completely change who Lille is and why she’s there, you should acknowledge you’re making an OC. Insisting your OC is a canon character is just going to be incredibly confusing.

[“Come back,” one of the guards yell. His voice shrieked of much anger.]

Are you not a native speaker? You’re displaying a lot of trouble with tenses and odd constructions that make the story hard to understand. You might want to get a beta reader to help you.

[“Come and get it,” Lillie smirked.]

You can’t smirk words, so the narration here is a separate sentence and should be punctuated accordingly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13010481/1/Pokemon-the-movie-2000-poem

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13013388/1/Because-I-Love-You

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13013521/1/The-Aura-And-The-Son

This is anime fic and should be labeled as such. I remind you that this is in your best interests, as readers searching for anime fic cannot find it unless you tag it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13013486/1/Haughty-Flames

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Ampersands shouldn’t be used in prose.

You probably shouldn’t use the same marker for scene breakers as you do for author’s notes, as that makes the notes look like part of the story. Horizontal lines are good for this.

[nearly to much for me]

You want “too”. “To” is a conjunction.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[I never knew my parents that well, as they both died while in the city one night when two armed persons broke into the restaurant they were at and killed many people, along with the Pokemon that accompanied them when; both my parents were part of the number of people that were killed.]

This is an awkward construction, and it’s also awkward for someone to be listing their parents’ deaths alongside other minor details. You might want to split this up into multiple sentences.

[The one thing I took from the ordeal is that no matter who you are, or what you do, everything can shatter into a million pieces, right before your eyes]

Except it sounds like they weren’t there, so it didn’t happen “right before their eyes”.

[If she saw me watching she would always turn off the TV and make me go up to my room for the evening without dinner, saying, “You know very well that’s not the life that I, your grandpa, or your parents want for you. None of us want to see you get hurt training those… beasts.”]

This is an incredibly bizarre stance for anyone in the pokeworld to have, on par with someone ranting about computers being the work of the Devil in ours. Pokemon are deeply entwined and entrenched in all aspects of their culture. It’s not impossible for someone to have this perspective, but the MC should know it’s incredibly weird.

[While they do not allow footage of the championship battles]

Wait, why? That’s the most exciting and public part of the league, there must be a ton of money in this.

It’s about this point that my eyes started glazing over. I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with description or exposition is actually not a good idea. You’re doing a better job than most examples by making this first-person and showing a bit of personality through it, but it’s still incredibly dry as they veer off into explaining tangential setting details. Look, what is this story actually going to be about? That’s what people are coming here to read. Do we really need to know this guy’s entire life story before we can appreciate the plot itself?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

The ending is interesting because it implies there will be a significant arc about the trainer’s relationship to Uraka, but you take so long to get there and then the chapter just ends. The story might have better momentum if you started with them catching Uraka and had the rest of the first chapter establish what that dynamic is going to look like going forward, as that would be an effective preview of the story as a whole.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13013646/1/Tales-from-the-Camero-region-After-Dark

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon. However, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

[But with all it’s faults]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

You have a lot of other odd typos and mistakes throughout this. You should proofread more thoroughly, or get a beta reader to help you.

[Something they couldn’t get out of their head that had been distracting them even more as they looked over the young man with light skin, dark hair, and green eyes]

Why would any of those things be attractive to a reptile? Are you sexually attracted to snakes’ eyebrow ridges and thick scales? If you want to write about interspecies stuff, you should think about how things would be different.

[They would occasionally get this way, staring as they remembered what they saw earlier in the week when they had snuck into Corren’s room to surprise them. The Dragonair, Dahlia, has slithered slowly into their owner’s room in the guest house and was going to slink right up into the covers when they noticed the little noises they made. It made them stop then and there to peak over the foot of the bed. There she saw something she knew immediately wasn’t for her eyes]

The pronouns here are really confusing. You seem to be referring to Dahlia with “they” pronouns up until the last sentence, where you switch suddenly to “she”.

[Her powerful body of muscles flexed against his relaxed body, a frame laden with just barely fully mature muscles.]

Eeenh going on about someone being barely legal is super creepy, please tag for it if that’s your fetish.

[her vibrant, lively orbs of emotion]

Referring to eyes as orbs sounds really silly. You don’t need to use a thesaurus for everything.

[Her skin had been lightly flush as she blushed at him once he gazed back at her.]

Blushing shouldn’t be visible through scales, and I’m pretty sure reptiles don’t blush to begin with.

Snakes also don’t kiss to show affection, and don’t have compatible mouths for it anyway. It really sounds like you want her to be a naga or something. You should consider branching out into monstergirl fandom if you want more human-like monsters.

I am terribly disappointed by Blaze’s response to this one. It seems like she chickened out as soon as the porn started.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13013976/1/Me-Myself-and-Him

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13014118/1/The-secret-of-black-and-white

Non-story content is banned on this site. Post this elsewhere.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13014192/1/Pok%C3%A9vantage-Academy

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[Lola is looking to build her trainer skills, but she also learns what it means to look out for more than just herself along the way.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Ending with a cliffhanger isn’t a good idea when you haven’t gotten us invested in the story yet.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13014399/1/Baby-Blankets

Previously reviewed, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13014584/1/Interdimensional

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13014608/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-anime-reboot-reupload

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13015063/1/Bane-of-my-Existence

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Ash didn’t hate this creature despite it’s misdeeds.]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

Otherwise, this is well-written.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13015087/1/Mistakes

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13015089/1/Team-Plasma-s-Unova

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[But Ghetsis.. you]

Missing period here.

This is really insubstantial. For this to have weight, you should go into the emotional states of the characters. Ghetsis’ victory is also ridiculously sudden; it’s absurd that he can curbstomp someone who beat N when he’s not that much stronger. If you want to write a story about Ghetsis winning, you should put some thought into how that might actually happen.

I also feel disappointed – given the summary, I was assuming this would be about how the pokeworld as a whole would be affected by Ghetsis’ plans. Just saying “The villain kills the hero if they win” is kind of obvious and trite.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13015134/1/A-Test-of-Fate-Revive

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Why were the Legends not doing anything?]

Uh… the better question is why would they? Very few legendaries have explicitly protective or benevolent behaviors, and even that could be humans misinterpreting it. It’s far, far more common for legendaries to be totally aloof (Arceus, locked in a pocket dimension; Ho-oh, revived one group for unknown reasons and then disappeared for years; Lugia, cloistered itself) if not actively destructive (Groudon and Kyogre cause the apocalypse if left unchecked; Yveltal must kill things just to exist; the tapu are sadistic monsters).

[I reached into my pockets.]

…With what, exactly? Snivy don’t have much in the way of hands. You’re writing like this is a human, where people often are covered in clothes but have bare hands that can easily bend and grasp things at chest height. If you’re going to write about pokemon characters you need to think about all the ways they’d function differently.

[A little Zorua ran up to me, crying in hysterics. Naturally, he grabbed my attention, and I ran over to help. He told me about his brother being injured by some other Pokemon. A very likely tale considering the kinds of events that do occasionally happen out here. I followed him to his brother, which was a little ways off the beaten path. The Zorua’s brother was slumped up against a tree. Sure enough, he had many apparent scratches and cuts all over his body. I leaned closer and tried talking to him while examining his wounds. He didn’t respond to me, which wasn’t a good sign. But as I looked closer… The wounds. They were fake. As soon as I realized this, I turned around. The Zorua who lead me here sprinted away, laughing maniacally. I can still hear his voice, calling me a “dumbass” as he ran off. I turned around, and his brother was running off in the other direction. So much for being hurt. I put my hands in my pockets. That’s when I realized most of my money had been stolen. Pick-pocketed. Of course.]

Why would zorua only use an illusion to fake wounds when they’re capable of so much more? Especially given that it’s apparently known that zorua do this, so they’d have a better chance if they disguised themselves as another pokemon. I also feel like more elaboration is needed on him finding out the wounds were fake, as zorua illusions appear to be visually flawless. Did he touch it and see it fade?

[I also adjusted my sword that was kept by my side… It is somewhat unheard of for a Pokemon to fight with a weapon. (I’m surprised the Spinda didn’t say anything about it.) But I had gotten the sword from my father. Before I left, he told me the world was a dangerous place, so I should take his sword.]

Because an ancient metal stick is such a better weapon than the godlike magic powers they already possess? If he was so concerned about the danger he should have taught his son more moves instead of a tool he shouldn’t even be able to use because he has ferns for hands. (How did his dad use it, even? Serperior don’t have hands at all!)

From the description of the sword I presume it’s some important magical artifact, but that just cements my greater point: this is way closer to original fantasy than Pokemon. If you want to write about a gritty becloaked swordfighter walking the blighted earth cursing the absent gods, you’ll probably be better off retooling this into an original fantasy where you’re not held back by a setting that actively works against all those aesthetics.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13015294/1/Dropkicks

Blocked, previously encountered. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13015476/1/Anew

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[This world reveals adventure to all those willing and ready to find it. There may be perils, but they serve no better purpose than to shape your passage from a hopeful child into a seasoned adult. You must chase your goal into a new unknown, and only then may you call yourself a Pokemon Trainer. Expanded re-telling of HGSS, focusing on both canon and original characters.]

This is a pretty good summary; it’s much deeper and more unique than the usual “this is about a journey” summary. It’s still a little vague, though – it sounds like this is going to be a coming-of-age story about trials and adventure, but that’s kind of obvious already. It would really help you stand out from the crowd if you gave just a little more detail about what themes or spin this coming-of-age story will be about specifically.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“I want a cookie,” she pouted.]

You can’t pout words, so that’s a separate sentence and should be punctuated accordingly. So this should be [“I want a cookie.” She pouted.]

[“Yeah!” His sister shouted]

But dialogue rules remain constant regardless of punctuation, so this should actually be [“Yeah!” his sister shouted], same as if there hadn’t been an exclamation mark there.

[let’s go find mom]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[Banners were strong up across the buildings]

Did you mean “strung”?

[If she was awake and energized, Raven would make a show. She’d drop from nowhere, out of the shadows, and growl menacingly to prove her own intimidation factor. After all, Absols were not to be trifled with.

However, his partner actually spent most of her time napping and lazing out under the sun. So, while the whistle did work to call her to his location, he watched with a disappointed expression as his Absol slowly strolled from the direction of the crowd. At regular intervals, Raven stopped walked and stretched her legs, yawning as she did so.]

This is a hilarious and lovely detail. I think it’s really cute to have teenage protagonists strike a balance of wanting to be cool but getting undercut a lot.

[“Strange for a Johtoan trainer to have such a Pokémon. Is there a story behind that?”

“A bit of a long one,” he said.

“I’ll ask some other time, then.” Pryce grinned and tapped his cane on the ground. “Are the two of you ready?”]

And this is a really good way of hinting at future backstory. It’s a bit too common in this category for authors to drop a character’s whole backstory on us all at once, so I appreciate this subtlety. I did have the same thought as Pryce here, so it’s cool to see there is an explanation to tantalize us with.

[A sickening crack sounded and his Absol’s body was flung across the arena]

This threw me for a loop a bit – I pictured them standing in a normal field outside the gym. I might have missed something, but it would be good if you explicitly said they moved to an arena for the battle.

[What he’d found in their time together as partners was that her species was relatively fragile; rather than being naturally defensive or resistant, they were more inclined to dodge and outmaneuver their opponents to circumvent that weakness. It was his own fault that he urged her to charge forward without a plan.

“Okay, Raven, approach him slowly. Don’t drop your guard!” he shouted.]

That’s a nice detail! I’m really liking your battle. You’re doing a good job of breaking from the rigid mold of the games and adding cool tactics.

[“Quick attack!”]

You capitalize other attack names, so you should probably capitalize this for consistency.

[The old man stared around their makeshift battlefield in front of the gym for a moment, as if contemplating something. Rather than order his Absol to attack]

The pronouns have an ambiguous referent here – you start with the subject of “the old man”, so it sounds like “his” is referring to him. You should probably namedrop Ciel explicitly.

[He could still see her sway unsteadily, and clenched his fist at the thought that she could be permanently hurt.]

Woah woah wait, pokemon can be permanently hurt, even from a simple spar like this? Doesn’t that make pokemon battling really unethical?

[He couldn’t just overpower his opponent as he had in a few previous battles. Raven was a strong Pokémon, even if she was untrained compared to most, but Pryce’s highly experienced, likely aged Piloswine was on an entire other level.]

Ooh, I’m not sure if this is intentional but that’s a nice commentary on the way most people play the games. It absolutely makes sense that a kid would be used to relying on sheer power and get wrongfooted in a match requiring real strategy.

[You can’t succeed if you don’t take risk.]

Should that be “risks”?

[“Come on, young man! How are you going to get anywhere if you let a little doubt keep you back?” His voice boomed in the night.

“But sir, you’re way better than me. I don’t have a chance.”

“And you’re letting that stop you?” There was anger in his words.

“But sir, I-” He was cut off.

“You’ll fail, then!” He bellowed. It inspired fear to hear such power from such an unassuming, fragile person. “You can’t succeed if you don’t take risk. If you bow out of every risky situation, the only roads left won’t be worth taking! What kind of success, what kind of life, is sitting back and allowing your adventure to pass you by?”

The young trainer clenched his fist at his side and closed his eyes. He had to do something. He had to act. Pryce was right. He was looking towards his future, and it would be paved with nothing but trials and challenges to overcome. If he didn’t gather his strength and meet them head on, not certain of his chance of success, it would be like he never grew up at all.

“Do it! Hit me with everything you’ve got!” Pryce yelled a second time.]

So… this is a little weird due to the fact it’s not actually him taking the risk. If he takes a bad risk, it’s his pokemon who will pay the price, not him. And indeed, that’s exactly what happens here: his absol gets pulverized but it doesn’t matter because… the humans had fun? The disconnect between subject and actor makes for some really weird situations when you try to apply normal shonen tropes. Putting yourself out on a limb is all well and good when it’s your limbs on the line, but in this case, the mature, moral option was indeed to fold and spare Raven the injury rather than hurting her for no reason. The canon itself is absolutely guilty of this, but you should try to think about it a bit more critically.

[“She was injured in a battle a little while ago.]

[“That you’re stuck. You’re not sure of yourself and you are afraid to make a decision going forward. Your performance in battle reflected that.]

Missing endquotes here.

[“Hey, Raven,” he said, causing her to perk up. “How would you like to travel around the region with me?” He asked his question with surprising confidence.

She closed her eyes, not even remotely showing interest.

“Even if you don’t care, I’m still taking you with me anyways,” he said.

She growled.

“Don’t act like you don’t like me. We’re going to have lots of fun,” he told her, before staring out at the brightening sky. “You know, I think I made the right decision.”]

And this just makes Ciel look awful in the context of everything else. Why doesn’t the person who will actually be risking life and limb get a say in this?

This is well-written, and I like your description and characterization (particularly making the mom as important as the dad). But the callousness displayed towards the pokemon makes this seem like something I’m not going to enjoy.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13015576/1/What-I-Believe

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[“You look like shit Lance,” Karen Moffatt of Johto rose a brow at his disheveled state.]

When narration doesn’t describe how something is said, it’s a separate sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [“You look like shit Lance.” Karen Moffatt of Johto rose a brow at his disheveled state.]

[“No big deal,” Kahili stated.]

That’s not what stated means. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13015734/1/Eeveelution-Squad

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13015867/1/Ash-and-Domino-s-Secret-Rendezvous-Love-Story

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13016045/1/Bat-Attitude

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[I thought trainer was going to pat me on the head]

When a title (such as “trainer”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[Can you really blame him?]

You refer to the trainer as “her” elsewhere, so this is confusing.

This is cute.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13016047/1/Out-of-the-Dark

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13016413/1/Betrayal-made-us-stronger

Hey so fun fact, I filter out anime fic. In addition to letting anime fans actually find your fic, tagging will mean you don’t have to deal with me at all! There is literally no downside for you here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13016447/1/Pokemon-Abridged-Edition

[Its Pokémon, But its bad.]

Why should anyone read it, then?

Script format is banned on this site, and as such this story is at risk for deletion. You should switch to prose format.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13016450/1/Lucario-Fanfiction-The-Crown-of-The-Void

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Author says they appreciate constructive criticism.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13016629/1/Opposites-Attract-Amourshipping-Fanfic

Blocked, previously encountered. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13017030/1/With-Tragedy-Comes-Change

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[After barley escaping death]

You want “barely”. Barley is a grain.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13017043/1/Woolie-s-Adventures

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

A new speaker requires a new paragraph, even if they’re only giving a simple response.

[“Oh great. I had a lot of “fun” exploring with Woolie,”]

When you quote inside a quote, you use single quotes instead of double quotes; otherwise, the reader will be confused about where the dialogue ends. (If you quote inside a quote inside a quote, you go back to double quotes.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13017092/1/Pokemon-IRL-Verison

Covered by Talarc. I am not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13017273/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Becoming-Mew

Previously reviewed. I am not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13017530/1/The-new-kid-Eeveeloution-fanfic

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13017535/1/Child-of-a-legend

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[“No way grandpa, I don’t believe you.” laughed Roe]

You can’t laugh words, so this doesn’t make sense. You’re also missing punctuation at the end.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13017907/1/You-Must-Love-Being-Bullied

lol

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13017911/1/Braixen-s-new-feelings

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, something has gone more wrong than a key can fix.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[route 14 on their way to Laverre city]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Route 14” and “Laverre City”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

In general, you really need to put more effort into this. You’re making a ton of typos and basic grammatical mistakes.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13017913/1/Insanity

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context. It’s also not a good idea to switch POVs within a chapter, as that’s really jarring.

[*Ten Weeks Prior*]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[The ravenette]

This is not a word. You’re overusing epithets. When you are writing a story and refer to a character by a physical trait, occupation, age, or any other attribute, rather than that character’s name, you are bringing the reader’s attention to that particular attribute. That can be used quite effectively to help your reader to focus on key details with just a few words. However, if the fact that the character is “the brunette,” “the trainer,” “the older man,” etc. is not relevant to that moment in the story, this will only distract the reader from the purpose of the scene. If your only reason for referring to a character this way is to avoid using his or her name or a pronoun too much, don’t do it. You’re fixing a problem that actually isn’t one. Just go ahead and use the name or pronoun again. It’ll be good.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13018562/1/if-team-rocket-capture-all-of-ash-s-pokemon

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

This is a mess. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13018985/1/An-Ode-To-Pokemon-The-Movie-2000

This is anime fic and should be labeled as such so people searching for anime fic can find it.