One semi-interesting YA dystopia fic with unclear connection to pokemon. Also, a lot of anime fic.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12758612/1/Pokemon-Hunters-New-Journey
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12758647/1/Pokemon-Apex-Soul
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[Destiny now shifted, Brendan will instead tackle the Johto League, fill Professor Oak’s Pokedex and uncover the horror of The Apex Machine]
One of these things is not like the others.
The League and pokedex challenge are not inherently interesting plot hooks. Just because they feature in canon doesn’t mean you have to write the story about them. If you have some unique plot with actual stakes, you should focus on that. If I wanted to read about tournaments and pokedex-filling, I’d play the games.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[*Click*]
This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.
[He reflected that he’d hate to be at the Goldenrod Gym today, it was going to be a circus after that announcement.]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.
[it’s underbelly]
You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[Olivine city]
Missing capital here.
[it wrecked havoc]
You want “wreaked”.
[They wore strange purple uniforms and masks as white as death itself which distorted their voices and I felt dread as a cold blade in my heart.]
This is a breathless sentence. You need some commas here, or to break it up.
[Next chapter should be a bit predictable, we meet our villainous Team Apex, find out a bit of their gimmick, our hero gets a Starter Pokemon from Elm and explains to his clearly deranged mother that he’s doing a Johto fanfic, damn it.]
Yeah all that should be happening in your first chapter.
This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This story is supposedly about Team Apex, so why don’t we know anything about them yet? Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
Otherwise, I like your description. However, you may want to get a beta reader to help you with some of the punctuation errors I pointed out.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12758652/1/Sam-s-Alolan-Pok%C3%A9mon-Journey
You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12758686/1/Let-Me-Hit-That
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12758697/1/A-Survivors-Tale
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[Pallet town]
All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Pallet Town”.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12758910/1/Pokemon-Ash-and-The-power-of-Hate
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12759396/1/A-Bond-That-Lasts-Kanto-Arc
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong.
[I just feel Ash could’ve been a bit better, I mean, who sets out into a big adventure like that without at least a basic grip on what they were getting themselves into?]
An interesting protagonist. A character who’s too competent can be boring. This thread is about something slightly different, but it explains the issue well: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142926917/1/TRAINERS-START-AT-TEN
[Flashback:]
This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.
[Sure mom!]
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
However, you wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12758923/1/Cryptic-Vibes
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[He probably wouldn’t survive a fight with a pack of Lycanroc anyways.]
The high-tier water-type wouldn’t survive a fight against a pack of mid-tier rock-types?
[Grinning when he saw the first tree get within range he braced himself for the jump.]
You need a comma here.
This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Starting in medias res is all well and good, but you do need to back up and explain things so we have some idea what’s going on. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
Also, based on this…
[A thief is caught and forced to work for the kingdom, and slowly falls for a knight in training.]
…I have to say this doesn’t sound like it has anything to do with Pokemon. If you want to write about characters in rigid, human institutions, you can just write about humans. I strongly recommend publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top instead. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12759437/1/Ultimate-Sidestories
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[it’s enhanced speed]
You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12759478/1/Lukari
[After getting beat up by a Spearow, Riolu wakes up to a whole new life.]
And then what? Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[Riolu walked towards it]
This makes as much sense as you being named “Human”. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s ridiculous and confusing. Your characters deserve actual names.
Is Riolu an “it” or a “he”? You need to be consistent with pronouns.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12759621/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-GJA
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12759637/1/Ashes-to-Aurora
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
This is a ramble. You need to read up on sentence structure and get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12759761/1/Mr-Steal-Your-Girl
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12759553/1/The-Resistance-Four-Kingdoms
I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.
[Shade and Glace]
Those are really silly names, akin to you being called “Humy the Human”. If you want this to be a serious story, you should come up with more creative names.
[every town usually has something, you can find somewhere]
You don’t need that comma.
[But here, there was nothing. At least, nothing for someone who tends to avoid others most of the time.]
This is a really weird and awkward chain of thoughts. You open this paragraph with a very general, sweeping statement, then have the narrator clarify they only mean one very specific thing that mainly comes down to personal choice. That really undercuts the grand tone you started with. Obviously a small town won’t have much to do if you don’t like talking to people, that’s not surprising.
[in some way shape or form]
This is a list, so you need a comma between every item.
[Not within the town, nobody complained about being mistreated here, if anything, it was the complete opposite.]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. I also feel like that should be “complains”, to match the present tense of the rest of the story.
[What’s the most valuable thing nobility can ask for, or anyone can own? Land. With the control of land, you can do anything. You control that land, you own anything within it, and it is completely and fully under your foot, or paw, depending on who you are.]
That’s a pretty big oversimplification. Not all land is created equal, for one thing; you can own all the swamp or desert you want, it’s not going to do you much good if your opponent owns even a third of that in fertile cropland. And even if the land is rich in natural resources, they’re useless if you don’t have the technology to process them; historically, many nations have sat on resources they couldn’t use effectively. And some nations just use the land really stupidly – England refused to grow anything but wheat for the longest time despite the bounty of evidence that other crops were better.
One way this could work is if you take a very particular interpretation of pokemon and the setting. I have seen some stories that interpret pokemon as nature spirits who draw power from the land. Under such a system, your simplification holds – pokemon don’t need to actually *use* the land for anything, just having it increases their power and numbers. Even still, however, the type of land would be important – coastline is unlikely to be rich in fire-type energy, for instance.
[Here lies the problem here;]
You want a full colon here.
[but it was absolutely poultry when compared to the land that the four kingdoms controlled]
I think you mean “paltry”. Poultry are birds.
[But they didn’t directly steal our land, oh no, that would be way too easy. Instead, we get taxed by them. What happens if we refuse? Well, there goes our jobs, our town’s money, and the pokemon themselves, right to the kingdom demanding taxes.]
Er… those are actually pretty weak threats, especially since you go on to say that the kingdoms actually have a higher quality of life (presumably even for lower classes and slaves). Historically, occupying nations did a bit more than this. Massacres, for instance.
[Taxing us in the first place is beyond my comprehension, but further going to steal everything that makes our town what it is, that’s just blastphamous.]
“Blasphemous”, and I’m not sure if that’s really the word you mean. “Blasphemous” has a strictly religious connotation; it means something violating the laws of a religion or an equally sacred code. The narrator is essentially saying here that the economic oppression is an affront to the very laws of reality, which seems a bit too impassioned for their casual tone.
[Well, unless you’re a grass, fire, steel or dragon type, you’re not stepping an inch into that place. Of course, the families that own the most land is how the four kingdoms formed. Families that rose to power through this one wonderful thing: Money. Do these families care about equality? Of course not, it wouldn’t benefit them, so why would they care? Because of the lack of common decency, they only opened the kingdoms to the types they represent.]
Eh, you’re doing the type segregation thing? It doesn’t actually work very well for a variety of reasons. The obvious question is where dual-types fit into this system, but there’s also the fact that types aren’t actually a very sensible basis for segregation to begin with. The types tend to have very broad and abstract associations with their pokemon; for instance, a pack of sentient gears (klink) and an otherwise ordinary organic with metal peripheries (excadrill) are both steel-types. Those don’t sound like creatures with common needs or interests, do they? So why would they band together? Egg groups can cross types, too, so you’d also be cutting yourself off from a lot of potential genetic diversity. Consolidating types introduces a bit more stability, but it’s still not the most logical dividing line. Like, if the nobility are so arrogant, why stop at type? Why not limit it to only their own species?
[they all lead within some disgusting principals]
I can’t parse this. Do you mean PRINCIPLES, as in, guiding values? In that case it should be “lead through principles”, as principles aren’t physical things you can be within. If you’re referring to the location they rule, you want “principalities”.
[wooden structures that function as pokemon’s houses]
How were they built? Only a small minority of pokemon have opposable thumbs. This is reasonable if you’re doing a setting like Zootopia where everyone has evolved bipedalism and tool use, but it’s clear from other descriptions you’re not. Birds and quadrupeds should be more interested in simpler homes that are actually within their capabilities – dens, nests, etc.
Okay, so the narrator is a glaceon, but you say:
[Since I wasn’t a huge part of the community here, I wasn’t exactly first on anyone’s list when it came to a job offer. At least, not a good one. Instead, I was stuck delivering food and supplies to other families who were even lower than me in this place.]
That seems like a waste of their talents. Why not use them for food preservation or climate control? This is a small town of presumably low population, and ice types are extremely rare. Their powers should be in high demand, regardless of how asocial they are.
[I hardly ever buy any, just go out and find berries or apples growing somewhere outside of the town.]
Why haven’t they already been picked clean, if the town is destitute and others are even worse off than them? Why do the kingdom officials allow foraging, if they’re trying to keep the population crushed down? Historically, occupying forces did not take kindly to this kind of thing.
[I layed down]
You want “laid”.
You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[“I’m not defenseless!”]
She brings up a good point.
Historically, oppressors stifled rebellion by taking weapons from the lower classes. But you can’t take away a pokemon’s powers. You have the two of them calmly outlining all the logical reasons why attacking the guards is unwise, but… people pushed to the brink like this don’t act logically. History is full of examples of rebellions where the people knew they had no chance or would face worse repercussions, and still did it anyway, because they were just that desperate. (Or in darker cases, because they preferred to go down fighting than to continue living in miserable conditions.) And that’s in a world where acquiring the weapons to do the rebelling is an obstacle. In this world, the occupied territories should be in constant chaos. You push people too far and they WILL fight back, and to hell with the consequences.
This is interesting, but your writing needs some work. You’re clearly trying to go for a conversational, hardboiled first-person narrator, but that’s tricky to get right. The narration here is really meandering and confusing – the narrator brings up points in no particular order and constantly waffles over well technically I guess if you consider all the socioeconomic implications this isn’t so bad… which rather undercuts the desperate, downtrodden tone you’re going for. Even though the end result is supposed to be stream-of-consciousness, you can’t actually write it spontaneously; stream-of-consciousness requires a lot of careful planning and editing to be engaging. I recommend planning out exactly what points you want Glace to bring up in her narration and outline exactly how those points can be brought up and connected logically, so you aren’t constantly doubling back to clarify and second-guess things.
This also sounds very much like it’s written by a middle- or upper-class first-world citizen with only an academic understanding of poverty and oppression – people who are really in Glace’s position do not spend a lot of time thinking on socioeconomic theory. I’d recommend doing research into real-life feudal and occupation systems, such as medieval Europe, ancient Japan, the European occupation of India and China, and the British occupation of Ireland. (That last one is particularly brutal, and is where I got a lot of the examples I’ve mentioned in this review.)
Relatedly, you should consider if this might be better suited to an original fantasy setting. Your pokemon characters are acting very human-like, with the same physiological needs and social structures. Could you tell the same story by just having humans with magic powers? Do you need magic powers to tell the story at all? I have no idea where this plot is heading so I can’t know the answers to those questions, but you should consider them. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction
[Well hello people of !]
Also, links are still stripped, sorry.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12759622/1/Push-Through
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[“One of the eggs was Riolu?” a blue Jackal named Lucario said. His wife, a brown and tan bunny named Lopunny, nodded.]
Are you named “Human”? No? Then maybe they shouldn’t be either. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s ridiculous and confusing. Your characters deserve actual names.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12759771/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Sibling-Battles
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12759775/1/Pok%C3%A9monster-Hunter
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like hunter or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[A certain titular hunter]
Meta references like this within the story itself are absolutely absurd. Unless you want this to be a weird meta parody, don’t do this.
[*SISSSSS*]
This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12759879/1/Bored-Of-Battle
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12760156/1/The-fallen-leaf-in-the-darkness
Your title needs to be fully capitalized.
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
[Yes father, mother]
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
[Flashback]
This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.
A new speaker means a new paragraph. Not doing this makes me not want to read your story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12760132/1/Kid-s-Pokemon-Story
You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.
[Kid and his best friend Sam arrive in Pallet Town, to attend Oak’s Summer Scheme in order to receive their Pokemon Trainer Cards. They will meet new friends and Pokemon for the very first time, as they prepare to travel around Kanto to earn the eight badges and compete in the Indigo League.]
You might also want to pick a more original summary. Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
You should also make sure to double-space at every paragraph, since this site doesn’t let you use indents.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12760309/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Adventure-for-a-Lifetime
You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.
[This story is about the twelve year old Robin, and her going on a journey throughout the world.]
Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?
[Currently not really sure on how the story will play out, but i guess it’ll be okay]
Historically, it has not. If you’re planning to write a long story, advance planning is really important. Try reading these threads:
https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1
https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/143363660/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-2
https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/143662066/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-3
[Please keep in mind I’m not a native English speaker, so my English may be a bit rough at some points.]
Okay… but in that case, why are you writing in a non-native language? That’s one of the most difficult things to do. Indeed, you do have a lot of errors in this that make the story very hard to read. I would recommend sticking to your native language for now, but if you want to write in English, you should read this thread and other English grammar resources: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12760330/1/a-pokemon-named-frillish-20
You should really delete the other copy of this.
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.
Generally, try harder.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12760391/1/See-You-Again
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Don’t post until you have story content.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12760484/1/How-Ash-won-the-Pokemon-League
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12760618/1/Hero-TruthLife-Choosen
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
Don’t capitalize every word.
Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Don’t post until you have story content.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12760430/1/Pokemon-Realities
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[“Pikapi?” Ash, what’s wrong.]
Writing both pokespeech and translation looks silly. You should just do one or the other.
[‘I still look young’ he mused.]
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, “mused” means to think aloud. If he’s just thinking, this should be “he thought”.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12761418/1/Pokemon-and-Mii-the-Seires-XY
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[Ash,Cj,and their friends are traveling around the Kalos Region discovering new Pokemon,badges,gyms,enemies,and friends they meet along the way and learning the secrets of mega evolution.]
Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?
Also, commas need spaces after them.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Generally, this is a mess. You need to try harder and get a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12762401/1/can-choose-between-two-of-them
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
Not using capital letters makes me not want to read your story. Try harder.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12762613/1/Armourshipping-Ash-is-Back
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
Chapters should be longer than a paragraph.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12762638/1/The-Wonderful-Moon
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You seem to have forgotten to post your story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12762742/1/Null
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Hmmm. I find the idea of a highschool AU with these two difficult to grasp. So much of who they both are is due to the specific circumstances they grew up. (For instance, Gladion actually seems pretty chipper by the end when he no longer has anything to fear.) You could adapt a real-world analogue for them, but it’ll take some work.
This is also far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. You need a bit more than a singe short scene this early on. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12762788/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Legends-Kanto
I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon. This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
[This is in second-person present-tense, but give it a chance.]
This runs the risk of being seen as interactive, which can get the story taken down without warning. Proceed with caution. I do also have to question the choice when the narrator is an established character.
[I love you, mom]
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12762973/1/Pokemon-The-Series-UltraSun-UltraMoon-Arina-in-Alola
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[“I’m still the same person inside.”]
He still identifies as male, then? In that case it’s weird of you to refer to him with female pronouns.