Very boring today. Most interesting things are a few authors who desperately want to be writing original fiction and skies above I am so sick of that crap.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12826133/1/Rash-s-Journey

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[seemed laughable now- how could he ever have forgotten]

Using hyphens without spaces like this looks odd. I recommend putting spaces on both sides, or using a double dash.

Hm. Well, this is much better-written than most takes on this scene. I like that you’re skimming over the unimportant bits and focusing on what’s unusual. However, this is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is just the opening scene; it doesn’t tell me anything about the main character or what they’re going to do. (Likewise, you should probably make a more descriptive summary.) See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12826136/1/Pokemon-Aura-The-Game

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

I’m not sure why you think this is a good idea. The advantage of fanfiction is in making a less rigid version of canon, not more.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12826766/1/Pokemon-The-Adventures

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[Hey guys, I am Champ Adi a new member to this community. This is my first story. Kind of a normal “character travelling the region” kind of story. Read and find out more…]

Likewise, you should have a summary that tells us what your story will actually be about. Technical notes like these belong in your author’s note.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Centering all your text makes it difficult to read.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[This guy is Sam Thompson (The name is so bad, isn’t it?)]

Not nearly as bad as this note. Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

This has one other review, by someone who’s using my copypasta! I am very proud and hope they don’t get discouraged by the hate mail.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12827164/1/Shadows-and-Hunters

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Darker versions of Pokemon known as Shadows have been appearing across the regions. Trainers known as Hunters fight them, using special weapons to stop them. A Trainer named Seth finds himself in the middle of this conflict.]

…And then what? What’s special about Seth or this conflict? Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[It appeared to be a Szicor, but with a black color palette instead of crimson.]

No one talks about colors like this outside of art design. “Its shell was black instead of crimson” or something similar is how most people would describe a real animal.

It’s also spelled “Scizor”. Look up pokemon names if you’re not sure how they’re spelled.

[“Cade, cover me.” Terran commanded.]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Terran’s tracker then went off. “Not yet, we still have one more job.” He then sent out Kuro, his Charizard, and flew to the source.

Inside a dark dimension, Shadow Mewtwo awaits the latest general to fail.]

This is far too abrupt. You need some kind of scene change marker here.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is barely a single scene, and tells us nothing about the characters or greater plot. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

I also have to question the point of including pokemon at all. There are hundreds upon hundreds of fantasy stories about humans fighting monsters already. You don’t need pokemon if that’s what you want to write about. Consider rebranding this as original fiction, as outlined here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12825835/1/Pokemon-Rainbow-Version-Kanto

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[This is actually the rewrite of the orignal fanfic of that I wrote back in Deviantart. This is on going. This It’s been Years after the events of Sun and Moon and now Young trainer Carlos Ketchum,son of Red Ketchum and Green Satoshi begins his pokemon journey to become the very best like his uck at summaries.]

Likewise, you should have a summary that tells us what your story will actually be about. Technical notes belong in your author’s note, and the rest of this only tells us the genre, not the plot.

This is full of strange errors and dropped letters. Are you experiencing technical difficulties? You should preview your story before posting it.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12827220/1/PokeWars-Files-of-the-Underground

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or dragon or human… Well, apparently you are. But you *shouldn’t* capitalize animal or dragon or human, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[In the islands of Alola, the same thing has begun; fighting between Pokémon and Humans reigns, at least that is what they want the world to believe.]

You want a full colon there, not a semicolon. The second part is also a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[The war between Pokémon and Humans has begun. Not a single region has escaped it. In the islands of Alola, the same thing has begun; fighting between Pokémon and Humans reigns, at least that is what they want the world to believe. Not everything is as it seems. Pirates claim the islands are inhabited by demons and crazy natives, others claim Pokémon rule the humans, or do they…?]

While this is an effective summary for establishing the setting and premise of your story, you should consider giving us more information on the plot, as that’s what your story is actually going to be about. Who is the main character, what is their stake in this conflict, and why should I care?

[ALOLAIAN]

It’s “Alolan”.

This message really doesn’t deserve its own chapter. It would work fine above your first chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12827220/2/PokeWars-Files-of-the-Underground

[The Underground System, or US, as it is known, was developed by the Alolaian natives centuries ago to survive threats from the surface.]

Ah yes of course, the whole time in canon there was an elaborate historical tunnel system we never saw or heard about, that makes perfect sense.

Look. If you really need to make your own setting with its own infrastructure for this story, just set it in an original region. If you’re going to be using settings and elements from canon, you need to actually engage with what’s there. An extensive underground network is particularly nonsensical for an island chain with extremely limited space and uneven terrain. This is also a very poor choice of acronym; this is in English, so most people are going to subconsciously read it as “United States” on first pass.

[So many people and Pokémon had taken shelter here]

So pokemon aren’t people?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Damn son of a b****! Hurts like h***!]

Why is this censored when no other swears are?

I have to roll my eyes at the idiot woman who’s ignorant of her own posting location and has to get exposited at by a dude.

I’m not sure what this has to do with Pokemon so far. If this is supposed to be about humans fighting pokemon, the first chapter should feature that in some capacity, as the first chapter should be an effective preview of the rest of your story. If this is just going to be a military drama about humans with guns, I don’t really see the point of including pokemon at all, as you can accomplish the same thing with orcs or zombies or some other generic monster.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12826403/1/Pokemon-Indigo

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[For those of you confused about what this story is about, well, read the summary.]

I did and I still have no idea what the story is about. Your summary is extremely vague and could refer to any number of things.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12826789/1/Pokemon-Blazing-Sun

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Life was good, maybe a tad short, and very painful at the end but hey I was happy…that is until I was brought before a giant white and gold Pokemon in the vacuum of space and reborn as a Litten. Now my adventure begins anew!]

And what does that adventure entail? Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[1 MONTH(S) LATER]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration.

This is really disjointed and hard to follow. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12827875/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-The-Master-Tournament

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Don’t post until you have story content.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes. If you have concerns about this, take them here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-OCs

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12827425/1/The-Dark-Soul

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Stantler was intelligent for a prey species, and so it was able to reflect on the beauty of the sight. Unfortunately, this distracted it from noticing the predator watching it.]

Then it’s not intelligent for a prey species. Prey species are usually very good at noticing predators, and avoid behavior that would leave them open like this.

[and this one was no source of the woman’s anger was the a simple example of the old adage]

What? I think something went wrong here.

[The Stantler was doomed.a]

And it looks like you have some kind of coding error here.

[The Arbok was feeding now, swallowing the Stantler from the same place as it struck, perhaps as a final act of spite. Or more likely, because it would have been ridiculous to attempt to swallow it head-first. Either way, the Stantler’s death would be prolonged and miserable. Or at least, it would have been, had there not have been the half-starved woman who had been stalking it for the last two hours.]

You really want to avoid contradictory narration like this. It undercuts the effect and reads like you don’t know how to delete stuff. Plan out your prose in advance and focus on what’s actually going on instead of meandering like this.

[The Arbok finally managed to clear the still living Stantler out of it’s throat]

Typo.

[the once noob Pokémon]

What?

[The predator took one last labored breathe]

You want “breath”. “Breathe” is the verb. This level of error is very distracting. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12827673/1/War-Torn

You’ve got coding errors. Preview your story before posting it.

This was fixed and reposted:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12828734/1/War-Torn-Ch1

Posting chapters as separate stories is against the rules of this site. Use the chaptering feature.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[battle ready Pokemon]

[My free time was mostly spent at the Pokemon Gym.]

However, you did so here.

[the Trainer’s School]

And similarly, you wouldn’t capitalize “medical school”, so you shouldn’t capitalize “trainer’s school”.

The “snippet of interesting plot followed by flashback to main story” opening is really trite, tacky, and overdone. To use it properly, the future snippet has to show us something that changes the context of what comes before, e.g. a serious battle between people who are friends in the past. Your story works fine without the teaser. For more discussion on this, look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters#142801968

[“AAAAAND IN THE BLUE CORNER!” The announcer boomed]

Dialogue formatting rules remain constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“AAAAAND IN THE BLUE CORNER!” the announcer boomed].

[THE RENOWN ADVENTURER]

You want “renowned”. “Renown” is the noun.

[the light swirled and expand]

And tense trouble here. You need to proofread more thoroughly.

[I asked mom]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[Mom wouldn’t let me go into the Trainer’s School though. She said I had to learn ‘useful skills,’ whatever that meant. She enrolled me at Sunyshore Basic Education instead.]

Pokemon skills are useful skills. Everything in their society revolves around pokemon. There isn’t even any reason to assume the trainer’s school is the only school they go to; it could very well be a supplemental or afterschool program.

[Tyrone and I declined the last staircase onto the sidewalk]

What?

[the late afternoons post-work rush]

Missing apostrophe.

[People and pokemon]

So pokemon aren’t people?

[don’t talk with your mouthful]

You want “mouth full”, two words. A mouthful is an amount of something.

This is a cute opening. Your protagonist has a lot of personality and this is a slightly different trainer opening. I do hope you know what you’re doing and plan to reach the point in the teaser before the sun burns out, though? Far too many trainerfics flounder due to filler and poor planning. You do also need to work on your grammatical errors, as they are quite distracting. Proofread more thoroughly, and get a beta reader if you still need help. You can start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12827986/1/Summer-s-Journey

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[Watch Summer as she journeys through the Kalos Region. Follow her and her friends as they follow their dreams.]

Likewise, summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Or region. Or character. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[a boy with blonde hair]

You want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form.

[“Are you ready to get your Pokémon?” He asks.]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Ok” She says.]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12828441/1/Shadow

I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself. However, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

[His sentence was interrupted by the boy calling out that Storm uses Water Gun]

What?

[The next morning…]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[“In other news, the thief known as the Shadow has once again struck!” A news reporter, sitting behind the desk, announced.]

Dialogue formatting rules remain constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“In other news, the thief known as the Shadow has once again struck!” a news reporter, sitting behind the desk, announced.]

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes. If you have concerns about this, take them here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-Ocs

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12828867/1/Slice-of-Cabbage

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12828882/1/Numbskulls

This is by the person who wrote that “Luster” story, the one about how the trainer’s gardevoir was totally consenting and there was nothing unethical about their relationship. Interestingly, that story is now deleted, and this one has an extensive author’s note:

“A/N: So, before we get this show started, there’s a few things that need to be addressed. The vast majority of these stories are rather unbalanced, heavily skewed towards the human in any sort of power dynamic that goes beyond “I can shoot lightning out of my fingertips!” Specifically with this species of pokemon, it is perfectly moral, if unethical, to have a relationship with, given what we know. The problem is, the pokemon universe is rather odd. You have these sentient beings, your “friends” that you forcibly stuff into a spherical capsule after beating them to the point where they don’t/can’t resist anymore. You can trade one of these “friends” for another, perhaps particularly shiny pokemon. It’s not well suited for even a friendship, let alone something more. Gardevoir and by extension Gallade are both mentally and emotionally sound in all the various aspects of a romantic relationship, as well as being able to clearly communicate through various methods, most notably telepathy. I chose Team Skull to be the staging ground for this kind of thing for various reasons, primarily due to them already being outcasts and what seem to be the non-judgemental type and because I kind of like them. So, in order to even the playing field and assure the fears of people with various intentions, I present to you the “What WON’T Happen” List:

The word “Master” will not be used as a personal pronoun, or at least not between the couple. Outsiders might use this out of ignorance to the nature of their relationship, but it will not be used by either Sam or Gwen, the main characters of the story. Seriously, how many girls out there like to call their partners “master?”

The gardevoir in this fic will not be the human’s pokemon. They will not be trainer-trainee. This can actually be done and still be moral, but those individual couples would need to sort out that preexisting power dynamic and mold it to one healthy for a romantic relationship.

ANY sort of three way or “harem” relationship will not happen. Most things in life are subjective, even what you would consider romantic love. I personally do not believe that you can truly love someone while having feelings for someone else or while you have any kind of sexual relationship with another person. You can care for them, sure. I just don’t think it’s worthy of being called love if it’s less than 100% commitment. And this is a love story, so deal.

Anything that could be interpreted fairly as sexual assault. If there be smut, it be consensual smut.”

So it seems something got through? They still have me blocked, however.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12828896/1/Personal-Bonds-One-Shot-Series

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

Not capitalizing “I” makes me not want to read your story. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12828915/1/Tale-of-Two-Species-the-War-to-come

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Hi, my name is Ryuu Hato, I’m a seviper at the age of 19, I live in a giant town called Doku. Which is entirely populated by seviper. Next to it lies the zangoose city Tsume, and around both of them rests a giant wall so high that there’s no chance of getting over it.]

This reads like a child’s babbling. You need to read up on grammatical sentence construction, and read published books to see how prose is written.

You’re writing like your pokemon characters are human, where people often are covered in clothes but have bare hands that can easily bend and grasp things at chest height. If you’re going to write about pokemon characters you need to think about all the ways they’d function differently.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12828998/1/ripplet

Please make a summary that actually tells us what the story is about.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12829055/1/Pokemon-Children-of-Legends

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This is a mess. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12829284/1/The-Great-Pok%C3%A9mon-Journey

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Spear Pillar]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12829562/1/There-s-a-First-Time-for-Everything

You’ve got coding errors. Preview your story before posting it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12829713/1/Poke-High

[Welcome to a world where Pokémon go to high school, see how Pokémon’s do high school.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[A few hours later.]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Even by the standards of AUs, this doesn’t really have anything to do with Pokemon. If your pokemon characters are acting exactly like humans, why not write them as humans? I strongly recommend publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top instead. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

A chapter also has to be more than a few lines. In general, you need to try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12829995/1/Region-of-Corruption

[Evan was, at first a 17 year old that lived a normal life, still getting through his last year of high school with Rosa; his Umbreon.]

Please, please read up on proper punctuation usage. This hurts to read.

[When his mother was indirectly killed due to the recent regional war, it caused drastic changes within his life. Evan now has to branch out and find a way to survive on his own and stay off of the streets, with only Rosa to keep him company.]

While this summary provides a decent amount of information, it’s ultimately rather vague, and I feel it doesn’t provide the information that’s most important: what is this story about, and why should I care? I understand this is hard to do under FFN’s tyrannical character limits, but you should still try to focus on what makes your story unique. There are a lot of stories with similar premises. What sets your story apart?

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Evan was about 5’9]

If you’re giving height down to the exact inch, that’s not “about”. Inches also have two tick marks after them. Furthermore, you shouldn’t be giving exact heights anyway, as they’re hard to picture. Saying he was “average height” or “a little on the tall side” works a lot better.

[weighed 150 lbs, had short, black hair. His skin was fair and he enjoyed wearing baseball type caps.]

And in general, opening the story with excessive physical description is an instant turnoff. Do you see how rushed and awkward this sounds? This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You also shouldn’t bold your dialogue, as it looks really jarring.

[I just need to get us..stable]

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12830150/1/Infection

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[First one to guess why the infection didn’t hit Mark as bad gets a virtual cookie and possible OC, (if this goes well i may make another story).]

This kind of information should go in an author’s note, not the summary.

[If not then I will explain it; the multiverse is a term for the infinite number of universes that coexist, and each is different in its own unique way. ]

You want a full colon here, not a semicolon.

[“Hey Pikachu, you ok?”]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[“Pika…” Pikachu protested.

“No Pikachu. I’ll be fine here till you find someone who can help” Ash cut him off.]

That’s not what cutting off means. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12830348/1/Delia-Hanako-Pokemon-Journey

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“O-ok.”]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12830531/1/Thinks-aren-t-always-what-they-tend-to-be

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[Another of my short stories, in an another style with my favorite pokémon. Sorry for the mistakes, and let’s see if it was okay through the readers’ judgements!]

Your summary should say what your story is actually about. This kind of meta-information belongs in an author’s note.

Any particular reason Giratina is male in this?

[including pokémons]

The plural of “pokemon” is “pokemon”, no S.

Your prose is really confusing and hard to follow. Your English skills are not sufficient for writing prose at this time, I’m afraid. I’d recommend sticking to writing in your native language for the time being.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12830695/1/Birth-of-a-Strategist

[Pokémon battles aren’t all about strength. They aren’t all about heart, or even believing in your Pokémon. To succeed, one must always think three moves ahead of the opponent. As JT begins his journey, he must learn how to twist his weaknesses into strengths, for a mastermind is manipulating dangerous organizations to achieve power, and everyone else is too blind to see it.]

Most of the summaries I see on this site are incredibly bland and useless, but this is actually quite effective. Well done.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[my Mom]

Likewise, “mom” and “dad” are only capitalized when they’re used in place of a name. If there’s an article in front, it shouldn’t be capitalized.

[Punching the air with my hand in a mock version of the move I had called out.]

This is a sentence fragment. You should fuse it with the “I yelled” before this.

[“Infernape!” It said]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Ooh, to late]

“too”

[I ran as fast as I could-and let me tell you, I’m a pretty fast runner-but]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[“Which won?” I questioned.]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

This is cute, and you give both JT and the pokemon a lot of personality. However, I’m a little worried about where this is heading. Currently, it looks like you’re just trying to novelize the game, and the games don’t really have a plot. Just giving the main character a different starter isn’t enough to carry the whole journey in prose form. I’d recommend reading this thread for some advice: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12830947/1/A-Soldier-and-his-Gardevoir

[Sinnoh Defense force]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Sinnoh Defense Force”.

However, you wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[arousing Eric from his sleep]

…You might want to rethink your word choice there. Just “rousing” is standard.

[So he left his Pokémon at home and enlisted in the Sinnoh Defense Force.]

He left his weapons at home before joining the military? How does that make any sense? Even if the SDF gives people stronger pokemon, the canon will not shut up about how the bond between trainer and pokemon is the most important thing ever. Why don’t they encourage people to use their personal team?

[Eric stood about 6 feet tall, dirty blonde hair, with a medium build. He was in shape due to him being fresh out of boot camp.]

Opening the story with excessive physical description is an instant turnoff. Do you see how rushed and awkward this sounds? This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

You also want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form.

[Orders had come down from Command, his unit was to go out and investigate possible criminal activity on Iron Island.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[“I’m sure most of you already have an idea of what we’re going to be doing today, but I’m here to fill in any gaps,” Sergeant Burke began, “Today we’re going over to Iron Island, as you heard we have possible criminal activity that we’re going to be dealing with.”]

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but you’re tripping up on the more complex rules. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[That is why when we head out all of you are to grab a rifle]

Yes, why use the fantasy element unique to this franchise when you could strip away everything interesting about it and make it a boring war novel instead. I’m not reading any further. I’m really tired of seeing this stuff in this category. If you want to write war novels, write war novels, don’t insist they’re about pokemon. This thread will tell you about some options: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12831186/1/Astral-Genealogy-Pok%C3%A9mon-Fanfiction

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[“So far, so good,” the Kommo-o thought]

You don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) for thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[completely ignoring their obvious threat as if they dealt him no pain.]

This is nonsense. I genuinely do not understand what you are trying to say. Are they inflicting pain and he’s acting like he doesn’t feel it, or are they merely “threatening” pain and he’s skillful enough to avoid the spikes entirely? You need to slow down and focus on what information you’re trying to convey, not on saying the most words.

[He soon had to skid to a sudden stop as he found his view obscured by his surroundings; a wide range of charcoal black mountains and a dusty sky that refused to let through even a spec of sunlight.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.

[He kept his voice and low growled his words]

What? I think this sentence got mixed up in editing.

[“Lord Jyararanga,” he was greeted politely]

This construction doesn’t work; if you’re using a comma with dialogue, the narration needs to have the speaker as the subject. This would have to be “X greeted him politely” or [“Lord Jyararanga.” He was greeted politely], though the latter is awkward and would probably require additional description of the greeting or the greeter.

[Its entrance was being visually hidden by the impressive illusions that could only be made by a Zoroark]

That seems unlikely to me – in anime canon at least, the Latis and several ghost-types are capable of similar feats, and presumably psychic-types could use some kind of Jedi mind trick as well. Zoroark are the natural choice for this, but they’re not the only illusionists in canon – and perhaps people might know ways to counter such well-known illusionists? (Their illusions are fragile, for instance – someone might break it just by stumbling into the entrance.)

[“I-uh-um-yes, okay,” she huffed]

Huffing conveys the exact opposite meaning of what you meant here. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[The sheer amount of noises combined to make her feel like her ears were going to explode]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

Why is a clefairy so helpless here, exactly? She is outright invincible to their strongest attacks, and kommo-o have a quadruple weakness to fairy attacks. Even if she’s weak compared to him, backstabbing him with a decent fairy attack stands a good chance of fainting him outright. Zoroarks, too, are weak to fairy attacks and aren’t terribly resilient regardless. The power dynamic between fairies and dragons is just too ridiculously lopsided to create a credible hostage situation. I doubt she could take out their whole army, but she doesn’t need to, she just needs to make it to the door.

[We’re not supposed to be in daddy’s room]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[“It’s the call to adventure. This little fairy got kidnapped from the sky. Now we’ve gotta take her back there!” Rune remarked, pumping his fists. He turned to Clefairy and gave her an upbeat handshake. “So it’s fine that we don’t know your name. If you’ve been kidnapped, we’re just gonna take you home!”

“But big brother! We don’t know how to get to the Fairy Kingdom. And how would dad let us go if he’s the one that kidnapped her?” Diantha whined.

“That’s why it’s the call to adventure. We don’t tell him. We set off in secret using that blocked passageway dad always keeps us from going up. There must be some sorta secret up there… a secret that has something to do with why he kidnapped a fairy Pokémon!”]

Pointing out your plot holes does not make them disappear. What in the world is going on here? What is the political situation between these two kingdoms, and what is common knowledge? Why did the king engage in this complicated kidnapping plot without telling his own kids why he was doing it? I’m completely lost here. Maybe this all makes sense to you, but you need to establish the basics of your world before your readers can follow what’s happening.

[Does this lead to a different part of the roof or something?” Diantha questioned]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

[Jyararanga had gone right back to charging through with full focus on his task. His preparations were clear on his attire as he now possessed a sword and armour fit for a war.]

He already has natural armor that doubles as a weapon as sharp as any sword. Why are you writing about pokemon if you’re just having them do the same things as humans? I honestly don’t see what this has to do with Pokemon. If your pokemon characters are acting exactly like humans, why not write them as humans? I strongly recommend publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top instead. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

Your prose is also rather overwrought in general. Good prose is measured by clarity, not by quantity or rareness of words. You should focus on what you’re trying to say and pare down your narration a little.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12831266/1/The-Blades-of-Arceus

[In a world we know and love, in a future we’ve all read before, the world has become corrupted. One being has been given specific instructions to help cleanse the world in order to make this one. Who gave these orders? How long is this going to take? Will our main character ever find love? One thing’s for certain; after today, everyone will know who Archibald Montgomery is.]

This is a really vague summary. It barely even tells us the genre. What does this “corruption” entail?

[Hearthome City, home to the Hearthome Gym, and the Hearthome City Contest Hall, and, only known to a few, the headquarters of the Dextropians]

The second “and” shouldn’t be there.

[They had been a nuisance for the Hearthome community for the past few years]

The rest of the story is in present tense, so this should be as well, since it sounds like they are still a nuisance currently. You make this error a lot throughout this story, and it’s really distracting. You need to proofread more thoroughly or get a beta reader to catch this stuff for you.

[‘Damn, it’s cold out tonight.’]

You don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[That was really the only thought I had]

Why is this suddenly in first person? Was he thinking about himself in third person throughout the whole of that introduction?

[After walking for about 15 minutes, my left arm was starting to ache a little from carrying the 30-pound bag with me for the same amount of time, but it was something that had to be done.

I adjust the bag so that it’s on my right arm instead of my left]

Why did you think this was a necessary detail to include?

[I nodded to him slightly, winking my own piercing-blue [eyes]]

Do you normally think about the color of your own eyes when you’re looking at people? ‘Cause, uh, most people don’t and this sounds incredibly unnatural in first person.

[I had to give them credit where credit was due; they certainly knew their thing.]

[They had three main rooms; the vault, the war room, and the leader’s quarters.]

[However, there were three things that interested me in this apartment; a set of kitchen knives]

[So to you, General, I say this; you cannot run from us]

You want a full colon in all of these cases, not a semicolon.

[reinforced with steel plating, and a 15-inch-thick door only accessible from the leader’s quarters, which had a 5-inch-thick door with a 12-button pattern lock acting as the doorknob.]

You may think that dropping exact numbers paints a clearer picture, but counter-intuitively, it doesn’t. This kind of exacting, mechanical description sounds very lifeless and artificial, since people aren’t often able to think in exact amounts in normal thought like this. Especially in first-person narration, it’s vital to prioritize natural wording over exact descriptions.

[the foreheads of Espeon’s]

That apostrophe shouldn’t be there.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[He looks back up, smiles, and says “Boss]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[The other guy hesitates, so I say, “If I apply enough pressure to his fist, then I cause him to bleed, but any more pressure after that, his muscles will tear, his bones will break, and I can easily turn his fist into half its original size.” I let go of the bag with my left hand, and hold it against his mouth while squeezing his left hand with my right one a little harder, causing him to scream in pain into my hand, which muffles it a little bit.

“Now, unless you would like that to happen, you’re going to use the radio clipped to the left side of your belt right above the back left pocket of your pants, put it on the same channel your boss’s radio is on, and give it to me. You,” I say, addressing the guy whose hand I am crushing, “are going to not make a single sound. Or you won’t be living to see another day. Got it?” The guy nods his head, so I let go of his mouth while keeping the hold on his hand. I then reach over to the other guy, who has yet to move.

I give him a questioning look and say “Are you really going to do this?”

After a few seconds, he says “I ain’t afraid to die, homie. Are you?”

I sighed deeply, and said “And you had such a promising future.”

I then looked deep into his eyes, and reached into his mind. He looked at me, and started altering the angle of his gun, slowly turning it on himself, struggling while doing so, as if he was being controlled by an outside force. He gave one last defiant scream, followed by a loud BANG, and the dropping of the second guard.]

I am not sure why you think having your main character torture a bunch of random cronies while showing off his omnipotence will endear him to your readers. Gritty grimdark antiheroes are trite, overdone, and unbelievably boring, and even aside from that, an overpowered character provides no tension.

[I looked over at the same thug and said, “Oh, that one? I just crushed his hand, broke his spirit, and scolded him like the baby he is.”

The boss chuckled at this, and says “Come on in. I’ll make you a cup of coffee.” As he’s turning in to his quarters, he whips out a revolver, shoots the thug, and holsters the same gun within a single second.]

You do realize hired muscle doesn’t grow on trees, right? They are valuable resource investments, and more deaths means more messes to clean up and potential repercussion from the community. I can see him pragmatically deciding that it’s not worth the medical bills to fix that guy’s hand, but he should not be pleased that someone just wasted two of his employees – recruiting more guards is going to be work.

[enough food to last 3 people]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[He chuckles, and walks over to me, handing me my coffee. I take an experimental whiff, and say “ah, the smell of almonds…a little on the bitter side, based on the smell…hydrogen cyanide. Very clever, boss.” I say, smiling.]

Good lord, how has the crime boss stayed in business longer than a month? There is a reason crime bosses do not kill everyone who works for them. This is monumentally stupid.

[Everyone deserves a second chance at starting over.]

Except the two mooks he killed for kicks, apparently. If you’re trying to use this to show him as morally nuanced, you’ve failed. Someone who only offers compassion and redemption to the top brass while leaving everyone else to rot is despicable.

[Well… guess the Luxray’s out of the bag.]

Hold your hippogriffs, there. One-to-one word replacement rarely works. Phrases and idioms work based on how they sound, not just their literal meaning. “Cat” is a sharp, monosyllabic word that works very well with this; “luxray” is a drawling, multisyllabic word that doesn’t convey the same tone. The pokedex refers to real animals, so it’s fine to keep animal references the same. If you do want to change it, you should use “litten” instead – it’s closer both biologically and phonemically.

[The only question is; what are you going to do now?]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. You want a comma here.

[I peak back around the corner]

You want “peek”. “Peak” means to reach a local maximum.

[~1 hour later, 15 miles Southwest of Hearthome City~]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[Thank Arceus]

Oh my Zeus, man, using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[I guess Dialga really has it out for me today, doesn’t he?]

Any particular reason why Dialga is male?

[Looking back down, i could see my body]

Proofread.

This is looking to be a really dull story. If this chapter is any preview of the rest of the story, it’s just going to be the main character effortlessly solving everything, smarming about how awesome he is for doing so, and being a dick to everyone else. That’s not interesting. The main character is a dick so I don’t care about him, and you’ve done nothing to establish any potentially interesting metaplot. Archer seem to have an antagonistic relationships with this “General” guy, but I don’t know anything else. Who is the General, what’re his plans, what’s his relationship with Archer? Those are all potential plot hooks, but you haven’t provided any of them.

And even by the standards of AUs, this doesn’t seem to have much to do with Pokemon. So far, there’s nothing here that you couldn’t adapt into a low fantasy setting. If there is some part in this story that requires unique Pokemon elements, that should be clear in the first chapter. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12831279/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-X-and-Y

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[“I hope so…,” Ash mutters]

You don’t need the comma. Ellipses function as punctuation markers.

[“I’m Yvonne Gabena, it’s great to meet you, too,” The girl says]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“And I’m Trevor Chercheur,” The orange-haired boy introduces.]

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12831501/1/The-Pokemon-Origins-All-Regions

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Welcome to the Pokemon World. A world were creatures known as Pokemon live with humans. Some Pokemon are kept as pets, used for battles, or are kept in the wild. It is time to go out in this world filled with adventure. Good luck.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.