Day 11 Pokemon Reviews (19)

Stories that have something resembling real grammar today.


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7727161/1/Ends_of_the_Spectrum

[It was unusual for James of Team Rocket to be able to gather enough money to spend the night in a hotel; unusual for him to lavish in the use of heating, the shower, a queen-sized bed, and the use of a plasma-screen TV. This may be unusual for a Team Rocket agent of his caliber, but not for the every-day, run-of-the-mill trainer. That’s right, James had quit Team Rocket—well, more like he was fired—and was simply traveling around training his Pokémon just like the twerp. ]

So in conclusion, it wasn’t unusual for him at all these days? God, the tense of this is a mess. Hopefully it’s that you’re trying to draw a distinction between “James of Team Rocket” and current James, but you’re not doing a good job of it.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Although he was still known as a criminal by some, mainly Officer Jenny, ]

So by “some” you mean “the police force”.

[Nurse Joy, ]

Oh, the police force AND the people who heal trainers’ pokemon and run the free lodgings for trainers. So everyone who matters.

There doesn’t seem to be much story or conflict to this whole thing, really – you’re just giving background and explaining what the current situation is, with a heavy-to-absurd dollop of good luck (like James going home to ask for money then leaving without any trouble after getting it, or Giovanni handing them eevee “as more incentive to, again, “get the hell out”. “) and some random changes, like Meowth voluntarily giving up acting like himself.

[Jessie admitted verbally. ]

If someone’s speaking out loud, you don’t need to explain that it was done verbally.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7727703/1/Mespirits_a_matchmaker

Capitalize your title properly.

[smied]

Spellcheck.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[Mespirit thought, “this should be quite easy.” ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

In addition, never use quotation marks for thoughts.

[In Sinnoh, Mespirit had learnt of Misty plan and was furious. “That girl’s in my way! Ash and Dawn belong together.” ]

It’s not your self-insert. Also, your grammar is terrible. Get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7727780/1/Love_Syndrome

[For me, my father just made the worst decision in the whole world! ]

Your grammar is terrible. Get a beta reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7727813/1/A_Whole_New_Ballgame

This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7727986/1/The_Final_Guardian

[I was unlike the other Magikarps, who will get spinelessly swept away by the slightest of currents. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

And spineless doesn’t make sense in this context, plus they’ve been shown swimming against currents in canon.

[Crusher was rumored to be the fastest Carvahna in the region. ]

CarvaNHa are pretty slow pokemon to start with, while magikarp are decently speedy.

[The river did not help my current situation. It was a wonder how such black murky water could produce such raging currents. ]

Fish can’t breathe in sufficiently muddy water. And if it’s this churned up, why can’t the magikarp just hide?

[I had to swerve occasionally now and then, to avoid the numerous trees that had fallen due to the earthquake earlier in the week. Doing so almost made me fall prey to Crusher, who almost got me every time i slowed down to evade the obstacles. ]

Why is Crusher immune to obstacles instead of being slowed down as well? Also, spellcheck or something would notice when you fail to capitalize “I” like that.

Your writing just doesn’t seem to really be thinking much about the situation. Are carvanha (or at least thing one) more maneuverable than magikarp, so dodging doesn’t slow Crusher down nearly as much? Which of them is better able to handle the muddy water, both in terms of breathing and in terms of sensing their surroundings? Which of them has more stamina?

[to avoid a boulder that protruded from the surface. ]

If they’re underwater, why does it matter that the boulder sticks out of it?

[A Bibarel Dam. It blocked off the whole width of the river. ]

If there’s a dam, there shouldn’t be raging current, because the entire point of dams is to dam up water. If the water level is sufficiently high that enough is going over the dam for a raging river, then the dam is underwater and it’s just a matter of swimming against an exceptionally fast current.

[I had to leap into the air and hope I land somewhere far beyond reach by Crusher. ]

Why not just try to clear the dam? Apparently this magikarp can jump so high it lands on a passing tropius, so why not just jump the moderate distance to get across the dam instead of acting like it’s an insurmountable obstacle?

[” Thank you,” it was all I could say.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7728629/1/Electric_Tamer_Ash

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

This is extremely boring. Battles aren’t interesting all by themselves, and you don’t even have any interesting description to go with them, this is mostly just people shouting.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7728842/1/The_Pokemon_Hoenn_Adventures

[I want you home by four, okay?” my mother walked up to me ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“Bye mum!” ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized.

[a Zigzagoon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[But it was my mother’s wish for me to stay on to school until I was 16 ]

Write out numbers with letters.

Also, ugh. It doesn’t matter what your reason is, this is just not an interesting idea. Trainers starting at ten means starting at sixteen means nonstop losing to everyone eleven and older.

Well, that was long and tedious. You didn’t need most of the chatter and doing boring, mundane things, and even the things that are, in theory, major aren’t because it just doesn’t matter in the context of the story that she found her mother’s body, just that the mom’s dead by the time she’s sixteen. Starting it with Wally wouldn’t have changed anything.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7729009/1/Pokemon_Mithril_a_PokemonDD_crossover

[Cerith suddenly spoke up, “wait a minute. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

And you really should try doing stuff from the paragraph beyond “Blah,” he said when your story has this much dialogue, what you have right now is incredibly repetitive.

Well, this is definitely different. Most of the chapter’s filler, though – the dialogue doesn’t do much to show characterization and it’s certainly irrelevant in plot terms, and the battle’s overlong. All that’s really needed is the tail end of the battle and the flubbed spell, the rest is just your standard adventurers in a dungeon.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7729051/1/Advantages

[“Can’t say I have.” Steven answered cooly ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Also, spellcheck.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7729121/1/When_the_grass_types_were_greener

This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7729160/1/Sphere

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7729307/1/The_Elite_of_Amores_Pheonix

[She wears a dress similar to a sailor outfit except it’s without the sleeves, the bandana part is pink, she uses a yellow ascot from both of our parents as the scarf, and it ends in a double-layer, ruffled pink skirt. ]

People wear more than one outfit.

[I’m always wearing a maid outfit-like dress. It’s strapless, the purple top is sorta poofy, the corset part’s black, the frilly skirt is dark purple, and I wear two armbands that are in the same style as the top. ]

PEOPLE WEAR MORE THAN ONE OUTFIT.

[After my parents died, I’ve been taking care of my younger sister by working. I’m a pokemon hunter. People pay me to find pokemon willing to be theirs. It’s similar to a pokemon capturer, I just have a specific rule: I only catch purple pokemon. ]

This is absurd.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7729324/1/Sunsets_and_Wily_Zangooses

[my stubborn Zangoose ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This was pretty plotless. There just wasn’t any point to it, and since they’re OCs it’s not like you’re expanding existing characters nor was it long enough to develop anyone properly.

[Sorry if there are spelling/grammar errors but I am using Word Pad (which has no spell-check) temporarily until I renew my Microsoft Word ]

Just download OpenOffice.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7729508/1/Butterfree

Ah, butterfree.

This whole thing is pitch-perfect – they were the first one of my pokemon to ever evolve as well, and in a couple of my games I’d use butterfree to deal with Brock, and a confusion attack seemed godly at the time. I’ve even managed to drag one through the whole game, but I was always level-grinding and babying it and even with inflated levels could never get around how much weaker than other pokemon it was. And I just liked it as an interesting batch of pixels, to have one actually be your friend and then have it slowly slip away into obsolescence is awful. There isn’t really a good solution and you get across the helplessness and denial the trainer feels quite well, without excusing the way they handled things. And I liked that the resolution didn’t try to find a way to solve things and just make the butterfree a battler again.

Well that was like a fallen treebranch across my tracks of copypasta as the reviewing train picked up speed.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7729537/1/In_a_Pokemon_World

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

…and this was rather bland. It’s no different than a real world story about a kid getting mobbed by pigeons.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7729672/1/Miracle_Worker

[“Why don’t you,” he turned around, scowling ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7729704/1/Of_Princes_and_Paupers

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Don’t use “stated” as a speech tag. In general, it’s more important to use a fitting tag, even if it’s just repeating “said”, than an unfitting one. Stuff like queried and verified can’t be used the way you’re trying to.

[Later that Night]

Don’t do this either. Just put this stuff into the narration instead of titling new scenes with it.

Eh. It really doesn’t seem to be adding much as an AU to say it’s feudal times and Green’s a prince. There’s no consideration of how pokemon would change the dynamics of kingdoms and it doesn’t seem like there’s any consideration to how the changed setting would change the characters.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7729826/1/Pokemon_Black_and_White_Marvins_Journey

[it was Marvin’s thirteenth birthday and Professor Juniper left him a very special gift. ]

Trainers start at ten.

[“I’ve known you for years Bianca if you ever showed up on time I would of been surprised!” turning toward Bianca, Cheren then sighed.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[this is Marvin’s room so its only fair that he get’s the first choice ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

Also, if you’re going to change the opening, you need to change the dialogue instead of just repeating it just as it is in the games. You just said the pokeballs are because it’s his birthday, which is a much better reason for getting first choice.

[three Starter Pokemon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[I bet they’re attacks ]

Their is the possessive. Your grammar is terrible throughout this, get a beta reader.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7729920/1/Real_Pokemon_Adventures

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

Don’t stick fanboy Japanese in.

This is all terribly boring.

I’m considering writing up some sort of writing 101 on how to tell something is irrelevant and doesn’t need to be included in your first chapter. Someone else do it, please?

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