Dragon Quill

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9677504/2/It-s-only-the-end-of-the-world
(MOC (MOC))

[“Dude, do you have some kind of
rotating webcam setup? And you just leave it unprotected for -”
“I don’t have any kind of webcam. And I definitely don’t leave
anything unprotected. What do you take me for? But seriously, is your
game working? Because I’m just getting this blank screen, and I don’t
know what I’m supposed to be doing,” I said.]

New speaker means a new paragraph.
Really, you should be spacing things out even when it’s the texting,
but there’s no excuse once they’re talking.

[I screamed “/What in the/ hell
/was that!/” ]

You need a comma between the narration
and dialogue, and also, this site supports basic formatting. You can
do italics and bold and all that.

[My mind raced. Where could I run that
would be safe from this- this nuclear war? This skyfall of meteors?
Where could I run to? ]

I realize there’s a lot on his mind,
but he just ran past his mom and appears to have completely forgotten
she exists. That’s not normal behavior.

Hm. Well, you detail the world well but
it’s really limited by the fact your character seems to lack any real
connection to others – part of having a family is not just running
blindly away when you think there’s danger but turning around to make
sure everyone’s with you, he barely thinks of the fact his friends
are apparently dead, and he doesn’t form any attachment to the new
people he meets in the shelter, so their deaths are muted as well.
It’s covering the disaster mechanics but not the emotional part.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9744748/1/The-Doomed
(OCs)

[You yourself had dressed up as Karkat
again; you had always loved his character. One of your friends had
gone as Gamzee, and another as Rose. It was all good fun. Then, you
all went your separate ways and went home. You had taken a few
selfies of your cosplay and posted them online, hoping someone would
like it as well. If no one did, oh well; it was still good fun. After
that, you had a long shower, getting all the all the grey paint off.
Your wig was put back on its mannequin head, and your horns and teeth
put into a container for your cosplays. Your mother called you down
for dinner around six, and you rushed down to get some before your
brother or father did; you always loved her cooking. ]

Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Hm. It’s a decent idea but rushed –
they’re making very obvious mistakes, and while it might be possible
to justify it if you showed how it played out, in summary form it
just looks like holding an idiot ball – they manage to get a bunch
of god tiers but some players aren’t in contact with them, therefore
early rush on the Black King? I could understand deciding to attack
early if they were worried the game would whittle them down further
as time went on, but going god tier should mean they were pretty safe
to continue their quests. And then two more jump in the way of blows
and get themselves killed, which is honestly not something people do
that often. And the time player is one of the few survivors, yet no
one’s considering dooming the timeline despite losing most of their
friends and all seeming really traumatized by all this. And then the
character just forgets about their phone? And the very existence of
their brother, apparently, since you say the survivors are just
wandering around aimlessly for a while. (You really don’t need to
jump through all those hoops to justify being out of contact – it
should be easy to alchemize something with chat, but it’s also
possible someone would think to turn it off for the battle – and if
they hadn’t spent the game periodically checking their messages and
were used to people being able to contact them at any point, it’s
easier to believe they could’ve just forgotten it was off.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9566229/1/Higher-than-Hope
(Alpha/Beta/Trolls, Bec Noir)

Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[Bec Noir wasn’t stupid. He could
recognise a lost battle when he faced one, and going against Lord
English would obviously result into a loss on his part. So, he’d kept
his profile low, waiting for someone else to get rid of the threat,
completely forgotten by the kids he hated, but now that their main
opponent had bitten the dust, the carapace had reappeared to exact
his revenge.

He’d waited a bit too long, allowing a
few of the kids to go through that portal, but he wasn’t in a hurry
–he would get rid of the ones still there, then chase the remaining
ones in the new universe, just like he’d done before. ]

That makes no sense. Once the stakes of
the story shifted to defeating an unkillable demon, Bec Noir stopped
being the ultimate danger. And indeed we saw that god tiers could do
an awful lot to him – Aradia could freeze him in place and Vriska
was able to go toe to toe with him. And here you make it clear that
they personally have succeeded in killing the unkillable demon and
without any visible losses on their part. So how could Lord English
be too much for him but killing the kids who just took the guy out is
no big deal? You don’t even have him deliberately separating them to
try to pick them off, since you make it clear it’s only an error on
his part that removed some of the god tiers from the fight.

Also, PM was chasing him, remember? And
she’s at least a match, so he shouldn’t be able to accomplish much of
anything until that’s dealt with.

If you want Bec Noir as your ultimate
antagonist, you can’t have it take place in the future of the comic,
you need to dial back to the kids when they first found out about him
and have things go differently, and without the other ring being in
play. No extra Alpha kids and god tiers and successfully beating an
unkillable demon. You’re only writing a story with some of the
original kids and trolls, so it’s not like there’s even any point to
saying the rest were part of the group but just walked through the
door first.

[Bec Noir, returned to being simply
Jack Noir, stared in hatred at his finger falling away from him,
donning his ring. ]

“Donning” would mean his
finger is just now putting the ring on. Don’t use words if you don’t
know what they mean.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9758777/1/White-Clad
(Slick (Droog))

Semicolons
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.

“Its” is possessive, as in
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”

[the superior of the two brang a pocket
knife ]

I’m thinking you meant “brought”?
Also, spellcheck. And get a beta reader. There’s an embarrassing
number of errors in this.

[“can I remind you that black
isn’t a colour? It’s simply an ‘object’ that absorbs all colours of
the spectrum and reflects none to our eye ]

It’s a color.

The whole white-clad/black-clad thing
here seems like it’s trying to be some deep metaphor without taking
the time to actually have anything coherent for it to be the metaphor
for. They’re black colored chess people who dress in black, why on
earth would being “white-clad” be a positive to them and
why would the rest of the gang already be that way? Why would Slick
want to change? Especially when for some reason it’s tied with not
rebelling and Slick’s all about that, and also somehow the act of not
rebelling and just playing what he’s supposed to is how he reveals
his true meaning, not by doing what he wants, because war is peace
and freedom is slavery.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9770661/1/The-Game
(Presumably MOC (FOC))

Semicolons
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.

[that
meteor will continue it’s path]

“Its”
is possessive, as in “its story”, and “it’s”
means “it is”.

Hm. I like the one-sided style you
write in, and you have a lot of interesting ideas about the game. But
your character’s faux-Scratch way of talking is really distracting.
Scratch is a malevolent character, so it’s pretty distracting to
spend most of the fic trying to figure out if this is him and if the
information he’s giving out is some ploy to serve Caliborn. That
really doesn’t help when the point of the story, as far as I can
tell, is just to try to explain how things work and not make a reader
second-guess the information.

[All I know of them are their
fundamental values, as they are the exact same ones as this game has.
To allow the players to grow, improve, pass on their knowledge. To
better sentient beings. To, someday, make the perfect race.

Also, this seems really hard to square
with what we’ve seen of the game, which does not seem to work better
when played by better people. We’ve seen two sessions scratched to
get players who’d do better at the game, and both times it’s produced
a worse world with a worse history. In the case of the trolls in
particular, it ruined countless worlds since the rebooted species
went on a rampage throughout the stars.

I
like the idea but you have really got to learn to use paragraphs and
more generally, take the time to describe things instead of listing
events quickly and rushing to the next one.

[A squad of Prospitians are standing at
the end of the corridor.

By the time they dive for cover, two
are dead and one is wounded, perhaps mortally.

You keep firing, your cape low to the
ground. The Prospitians stay behind the wall.

Realising this isn’t going to work, you
arm a grenade and hold it for a split second, running down the timer.
You throw, and it explodes as it hits the far wall of the corridor.

Running through the ship, you switch to
a combat knife, backstabbing Prospit soldiers and agents as you run.
You aren’t a highly decorated veteran for nothing, after all.]

Well, no, it is kind of for nothing. I
don’t see what purpose it serves that the character here is able to
slaughter their way through Prospitians without any real effort –
all it seems to do is undermine the sense this is a real battle.

Also seriously, stop hitting enter
every two sentences.

[You order the fighting Prospitians to
surrender. They do so, guns and swords clattering onto the deck
plates. Dersite soldiers surround them.

Leaving the hangar, you give the order
to execute the prisoners.]

Given that doesn’t seem particularly
unusual, why would anyone surrender?

[extint ]

Extinct.

This really doesn’t work. Troll society
already runs on dead trolls, to the point they color their chalk with
dead baby blood. Why on earth would sopor slime being also made of
trolls matter?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9681331/2/Many-Years-in-The-Future
(FOC)

You really shouldn’t be posting a fic
that’s made of three and four line “chapters”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9806246/1/Best-cake-Ever
(SS, DD)

[Ruined cakes stained the once clear
kitchen table, almost all of the messed bakes with knives in them,
all topped somewhat furiously with an attempted icing pattern,
colours of the spectrum mixing violently as the sugary syrups spilled
off the corner of the table; Slick has been trying to make a birthday
cake for Droog, and so far it looks like all he was making is
something he has been prone to make since birth; ]

The real disaster here is your writing.
Cakes don’t stain, although they might “cover” or “mar”
the surface. You probably meant “messy” and not “messed”
(possibly “messed up”) and perhaps “bakes” was
supposed to be “baked goods” – still poor wording, but at
least it makes sense. And you lose track of your sentence about here
when you try to transition from knives in them to saying they were
“topped” by something else, which makes it sound like he
stabbed the cakes then went about icing them. Also, not sure what
“furiously” even means here, let alone how it can be
“somewhat”. “Rushed” and “hapharzard”
maybe. Similarly, the mix of colors probably isn’t “violent”
and icing is generally not a liquid at room temperature. Finally, I
have no idea what you were trying to do with those semicolons, but it
was a bad idea. Don’t use them.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”

[The messy cake sat on a mildly clean
table, decorations all over the front and sides, little pieces of
candy coated the edges with sprinkles of strawberry shavings and
white chocolate carvings, ]

Why? Slick likes black licorice and
Droog likes Swedish fish, why would Slick make a cake that was
strawberry and white chocolate? Also, you really should have gotten
around to giving Slick more of a reason to make a cake than simply
that it’s for Droog, because he could have just bought one. If Droog
had made him a cake last time and he felt buying one would be
admitting defeat, or if Droog had said he couldn’t make one so he was
determined to prove him wrong…something like that. Slick needs more
reason to do something nice than that it’d be nice.

[Droog stared at every detail
and…admired it, the little decorations, the messiness, even the
spelling of the words meant to bring joy to his life once a year, he
loved it, as childish and un neat is it was he loved every bit of it;
he loved the thought put into it from his boss, ]

Droog likes things that are neat and
plain, so, no, he didn’t. If he’s enjoying it, it’d got to be for
some other reason, such as because it’s just hilarious how badly
Slick did or because he enjoys being the competent one in the
relationship. Also, “un neat” is not a word.