Today, a story that actually has
enough substance to warrant opinions about it! And, unfortunately,
enough that I didn’t manage to finish it. We spend today stuck on
November 1st.
enough substance to warrant opinions about it! And, unfortunately,
enough that I didn’t manage to finish it. We spend today stuck on
November 1st.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9456704/1/The-Thief-of-Prospit
(Vriska, Jade (Sollux, Terezi))
(Vriska, Jade (Sollux, Terezi))
[The golden city of Prospit, a work of
art in gold and brass and yellow marble, was already old when the
first words were baked into clay tablets in the dawn days of
humanity. It had fallen from the sky, or so claimed the trolls. It
had always been there, and the rest of the world had grown up around
it, say the Carapacians. The lone Cherub who has visited the city in
all its recorded history merely laughed and shook her head before
flying off.]
art in gold and brass and yellow marble, was already old when the
first words were baked into clay tablets in the dawn days of
humanity. It had fallen from the sky, or so claimed the trolls. It
had always been there, and the rest of the world had grown up around
it, say the Carapacians. The lone Cherub who has visited the city in
all its recorded history merely laughed and shook her head before
flying off.]
Okay, so, first you said humanity, and
you didn’t capitalize the word. Then you said trolls, and you didn’t
capitalize that word. And that’s correct. Which is why you shouldn’t
have gone on to capitalize carapacians and cherubs – they’re all
common nouns, not proper ones.
you didn’t capitalize the word. Then you said trolls, and you didn’t
capitalize that word. And that’s correct. Which is why you shouldn’t
have gone on to capitalize carapacians and cherubs – they’re all
common nouns, not proper ones.
[Of course, the Knights were splendid
warriors clad in golden armor, each suit an individual masterpiece of
metallurgy, each Knight astride the finest riding-beasts the city
with its near-limitless treasury could buy—
warriors clad in golden armor, each suit an individual masterpiece of
metallurgy, each Knight astride the finest riding-beasts the city
with its near-limitless treasury could buy—
But out here on the cramped yellow
side-streets of Prospit’s slums]
side-streets of Prospit’s slums]
So, minor problem with that. Slums
require at least one of two things to be true: that there are not
funds to feed and house everyone, or that no one at the top cares.
You described this place earlier as idyllic, which would suggest it’s
not somewhere where they think babies dying in the slums is just
funny, but if they also have practically infinite money, there’s
nothing else stopping them from fixing up the slums.
require at least one of two things to be true: that there are not
funds to feed and house everyone, or that no one at the top cares.
You described this place earlier as idyllic, which would suggest it’s
not somewhere where they think babies dying in the slums is just
funny, but if they also have practically infinite money, there’s
nothing else stopping them from fixing up the slums.
(And it’s not like you have to have
slums to have cramped streets, just limited space.)
slums to have cramped streets, just limited space.)
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[She was stirred from her reverie by
the clanging of the bells; she realized that she was on the roof of
one of Prospit’s countless cathedrals. Sure enough, she’d been
resting her head against the great glass dome of Domina Nostrum de
Fortuna. On a whim she climbed the dome until she stood directly on
top, looking down on the congregation hundreds of feet below. There
was a circular hole the size of her head there, left purposefully
empty to let in the divine light of the Sufferer. It was encircled by
a heavy ring of pure gold inscribed with something in Old High
Trollish. ]
the clanging of the bells; she realized that she was on the roof of
one of Prospit’s countless cathedrals. Sure enough, she’d been
resting her head against the great glass dome of Domina Nostrum de
Fortuna. On a whim she climbed the dome until she stood directly on
top, looking down on the congregation hundreds of feet below. There
was a circular hole the size of her head there, left purposefully
empty to let in the divine light of the Sufferer. It was encircled by
a heavy ring of pure gold inscribed with something in Old High
Trollish. ]
How does this fit with the city already
existing when people got there? Are some of the buildings new
additions, or did they redo existing churches to fit their gods, or
did the mysterious creator of Prospit and Derse know about the
Sufferer and that people would want to stand in a building talking
about the guy often and made the churches in advance – and if so,
that should be weird enough to be worthy of some thought. How old is
Old High Trollish? How long ago was the Sufferer? That kind of thing
could give them some idea what the minimum age of the city is,
barring omniscience on the part of its builders.
existing when people got there? Are some of the buildings new
additions, or did they redo existing churches to fit their gods, or
did the mysterious creator of Prospit and Derse know about the
Sufferer and that people would want to stand in a building talking
about the guy often and made the churches in advance – and if so,
that should be weird enough to be worthy of some thought. How old is
Old High Trollish? How long ago was the Sufferer? That kind of thing
could give them some idea what the minimum age of the city is,
barring omniscience on the part of its builders.
…how is Vriska half-starved when
there’s apparently solid gold everywhere? All she has to do is grab
one of the knight’s helmets, apparently, and Karkat’s willing to just
ditch the stuff on the street to move faster. And she certainly
didn’t seem too concerned about failure a minute ago, so it’s hard to
believe she’s failing at most of her thefts. I guess perhaps gold
doesn’t have much value to them, but in that case it’s weird she’d be
bothering to steal the ring or talking about it being pure gold,
because that makes it sound like gold is pretty valuable like normal.
there’s apparently solid gold everywhere? All she has to do is grab
one of the knight’s helmets, apparently, and Karkat’s willing to just
ditch the stuff on the street to move faster. And she certainly
didn’t seem too concerned about failure a minute ago, so it’s hard to
believe she’s failing at most of her thefts. I guess perhaps gold
doesn’t have much value to them, but in that case it’s weird she’d be
bothering to steal the ring or talking about it being pure gold,
because that makes it sound like gold is pretty valuable like normal.
[“No Vriska, I was the one who
stole to survive. You stole because you are a goddamn tiding of
magpies that God smushed into troll form! ]
stole to survive. You stole because you are a goddamn tiding of
magpies that God smushed into troll form! ]
This seems totally accurate but gets us
back to the question of why he’s simultaneously saying she’s
half-starved because she’s living on the streets.
back to the question of why he’s simultaneously saying she’s
half-starved because she’s living on the streets.
[“If it’ll help your high-class
guilt, then fine, I’ll let you buy me lunch. I know a place on the
White King’s Boulevard that has really good trash. Imagine what it’ll
taste like fresh. ]
guilt, then fine, I’ll let you buy me lunch. I know a place on the
White King’s Boulevard that has really good trash. Imagine what it’ll
taste like fresh. ]
But seriously, is she able to steal
stuff or a complete failure at it? Stealing food isn’t particularly
hard.
stuff or a complete failure at it? Stealing food isn’t particularly
hard.
[“I know what you’re doing,”
he said, jumping to his feet. He turned and faced her, pointing an
accusatory finger. “You’re going to seduce me, and then I’m
going to feel stupidly guilty, and then I’m going to sneak you into
the palace tomorrow out of guilt, and then you’re going to mind
control the Royal Heir and become a fucking tyrant queen and it’ll be
all my fault and I’ll sure as fuck be the first one against the wall
when the executions start because I called you a psycho-bitch that
one time—” ]
he said, jumping to his feet. He turned and faced her, pointing an
accusatory finger. “You’re going to seduce me, and then I’m
going to feel stupidly guilty, and then I’m going to sneak you into
the palace tomorrow out of guilt, and then you’re going to mind
control the Royal Heir and become a fucking tyrant queen and it’ll be
all my fault and I’ll sure as fuck be the first one against the wall
when the executions start because I called you a psycho-bitch that
one time—” ]
I really love the dynamic you’ve got
between the two of them, though.
between the two of them, though.
[Terezi interrupted. “It’s
immaterial what you want, Jade honey.” Terezi hefted her cane
and pointed it out the window. “What’s the first thing you see?”
immaterial what you want, Jade honey.” Terezi hefted her cane
and pointed it out the window. “What’s the first thing you see?”
Jade ran up to the window, excited.
“The rose tree in the garden!” she shouted. “Isn’t
that Dersite princess named Rose? Maybe it’s a portent—”
“The rose tree in the garden!” she shouted. “Isn’t
that Dersite princess named Rose? Maybe it’s a portent—”
Terezi shushed her. “I’ll tell you
what’s a portent, dear. No, no,” the Seer shook her head in faux
disappointment, “what’s really going on is this. Whichever
suitor plucks a flower from that tree first will marry a Prospitian
royal.” Jade paled.]
what’s a portent, dear. No, no,” the Seer shook her head in faux
disappointment, “what’s really going on is this. Whichever
suitor plucks a flower from that tree first will marry a Prospitian
royal.” Jade paled.]
Terezi, less so. She really doesn’t
sound anything like Terezi, and this whole business comes out of
nowhere – Jade apparently gets to pick her suitor and only found
one of the options acceptable, as well as firmly rejecting two and
disliking a third, so why would it come down to who messes with some
flowers now? (It also really has nothing to do with her having mind
powers, unless this is all just an elaborate trolling attempt.)
sound anything like Terezi, and this whole business comes out of
nowhere – Jade apparently gets to pick her suitor and only found
one of the options acceptable, as well as firmly rejecting two and
disliking a third, so why would it come down to who messes with some
flowers now? (It also really has nothing to do with her having mind
powers, unless this is all just an elaborate trolling attempt.)
[Immovable? Karkat grinned and removed
his helmet. He was wearing a hat made of aluminum foil underneath.
“Cost me a fucking arm and a leg, but you’re worth it aren’t you
Vriska?” ]
his helmet. He was wearing a hat made of aluminum foil underneath.
“Cost me a fucking arm and a leg, but you’re worth it aren’t you
Vriska?” ]
I’d really like to have a better idea
of the economics of this place. Is gold actually pretty cheap and
Vriska was attempting to make off with the equivalent of a handful of
copper wiring when she was prying the ring out? Are all other metals
worth more? Or is it using historical prices where gold is valuable
but nothing compared to aluminum?
of the economics of this place. Is gold actually pretty cheap and
Vriska was attempting to make off with the equivalent of a handful of
copper wiring when she was prying the ring out? Are all other metals
worth more? Or is it using historical prices where gold is valuable
but nothing compared to aluminum?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9456704/2/The-Thief-of-Prospit
(Vriska, Karkat, John,
(Vriska, Karkat, John,
[An entire, unblemished rose had stuck
itself in her hair. Karkat absentmindedly plucked it out ]
itself in her hair. Karkat absentmindedly plucked it out ]
Hm. So that’s either both of them
prophesied to marry or just Vriska, since technically Karkat plucked
it from her and not the tree. Although maybe hacking off a branch
counts as plucking anyway – wait, isn’t it only the first? In that
case I suppose it comes down to if Vriska got the flower in her hair
during her earlier struggles or after Karkat cut the branch.
prophesied to marry or just Vriska, since technically Karkat plucked
it from her and not the tree. Although maybe hacking off a branch
counts as plucking anyway – wait, isn’t it only the first? In that
case I suppose it comes down to if Vriska got the flower in her hair
during her earlier struggles or after Karkat cut the branch.
[“Wait,” said Karkat, on
sudden impulse offering the rose that he realized was still clutched
tightly in his hand. It was only a little crushed. He’d also cut his
hand on the thorns and stained the entire stem red. Oh God he was an
idiot— ]
sudden impulse offering the rose that he realized was still clutched
tightly in his hand. It was only a little crushed. He’d also cut his
hand on the thorns and stained the entire stem red. Oh God he was an
idiot— ]
Okay, that’s a lot more forced. He’s
busy rolling around in agony from Vriska hitting below the belt, and
his first impulse is to shove a flower at Jade? You really need to
let slightly more time happen here – if they sit together for a
minute until he’s no longer in agony, then he could realize he’s
still got the flower. Or even more reasonably, she could notice due
to the fact he’s getting blood everywhere from the thorns.
busy rolling around in agony from Vriska hitting below the belt, and
his first impulse is to shove a flower at Jade? You really need to
let slightly more time happen here – if they sit together for a
minute until he’s no longer in agony, then he could realize he’s
still got the flower. Or even more reasonably, she could notice due
to the fact he’s getting blood everywhere from the thorns.
[They set her on a large grating,
bigger across than she was tall, made of iron, not gold or brass. She
blinked, realizing how infrequently she had seen that metal in her
life. ]
bigger across than she was tall, made of iron, not gold or brass. She
blinked, realizing how infrequently she had seen that metal in her
life. ]
But wasn’t it iron what the whole dome
of the cathedral she was on was, while she was stealing gold instead?
of the cathedral she was on was, while she was stealing gold instead?
[Seated on the chair was a short,
squinty-eyed Carapacian of the black-shelled variety. He was bent
foreward, as if accustomed to stooping. The Carapacian was dressed
richly and held a golden rod in his hands.
squinty-eyed Carapacian of the black-shelled variety. He was bent
foreward, as if accustomed to stooping. The Carapacian was dressed
richly and held a golden rod in his hands.
The Ascendant Regent had ruled in Prospit ever since the death of
Prince-Consort Jake, after which Queen Jane had gone into seclusion.
The royal twins were too young to rule according to the law, and so
he held the reins on the kingdom.]
So…Derse is universally considered
terrible, and both kingdoms were opened by the carapacian’s
respective kings, but in the three hundred years Prospit’s been
around, it’s switched over to be human rulers and Dersite regents?
How’d that happen?
terrible, and both kingdoms were opened by the carapacian’s
respective kings, but in the three hundred years Prospit’s been
around, it’s switched over to be human rulers and Dersite regents?
How’d that happen?
[“We all have the Four
Heroes, it’s just us trolls don’t see the need to kill frogs on
altars to the Witch!” Everyone staggered a little. The religious
rivalry between the Carapacian faith and the trollish one was
well-documented ]
Heroes, it’s just us trolls don’t see the need to kill frogs on
altars to the Witch!” Everyone staggered a little. The religious
rivalry between the Carapacian faith and the trollish one was
well-documented ]
So….is there no white/black shell
distinction here? I mean, I can’t see Prospitians stabbing frogs as
part of their religious festivities.
distinction here? I mean, I can’t see Prospitians stabbing frogs as
part of their religious festivities.
[“My lord Regent,” he said.
“You cannot allow this violation of justice. The princess of
course has a right to choose her mate, but I’m afraid a treaty was
signed.” He produced a document written on yellow paper. He read
aloud in a soothing yet businesslike tone. “The princess of
Derse will travel to Prospit three months before her wedding. She
will be accompanied by fifteen suitors, and the princess of Prospit
must choose a husband by the time of her royal brother’s wedding.”
He rolled up the paper. “It’s ironclad.” ]
“You cannot allow this violation of justice. The princess of
course has a right to choose her mate, but I’m afraid a treaty was
signed.” He produced a document written on yellow paper. He read
aloud in a soothing yet businesslike tone. “The princess of
Derse will travel to Prospit three months before her wedding. She
will be accompanied by fifteen suitors, and the princess of Prospit
must choose a husband by the time of her royal brother’s wedding.”
He rolled up the paper. “It’s ironclad.” ]
What? The why did Jade agree to that in
the first place? She says she’s doing this just because she doesn’t
want to never marry (and apparently somehow if she married later
she’d have to leave the city?) but she’s an idiot if she signed a
iron-clad treaty saying she had no choice but to get married for such
petty reasons.
the first place? She says she’s doing this just because she doesn’t
want to never marry (and apparently somehow if she married later
she’d have to leave the city?) but she’s an idiot if she signed a
iron-clad treaty saying she had no choice but to get married for such
petty reasons.
[“I am going to give you one
chance Sir Karkat. Denounce this creature (Vriska blew him a
raspberry) and deny any connection whatever to her, and I will allow
you to maintain your rank, under a temporary probation. Then if she
wishes, the princess may take you as her husband.” The Dignitary
made as if to protest, but the Regent stopped him. “If you do
so, the thief will be executed. However, if you do not denounce her,
you will be stripped of your rank and stricken from the records. You
will not only cease to be a Knight, but will never have been one at
all, yet the thief will be given a chance to live. What say you?”
]
chance Sir Karkat. Denounce this creature (Vriska blew him a
raspberry) and deny any connection whatever to her, and I will allow
you to maintain your rank, under a temporary probation. Then if she
wishes, the princess may take you as her husband.” The Dignitary
made as if to protest, but the Regent stopped him. “If you do
so, the thief will be executed. However, if you do not denounce her,
you will be stripped of your rank and stricken from the records. You
will not only cease to be a Knight, but will never have been one at
all, yet the thief will be given a chance to live. What say you?”
]
This really seems like nothing but
straight up dickery. Whether or not Karkat’s willing to denounce
Vriska has nothing to do with her own crimes and whatever punishment
they’d normally give. I can see why they might want to do that if
they want an excuse to strip Karkat’s rank, but you haven’t explained
why anyone wants Jade to marry someone from Derse instead, especially
when her description of things seemed like it had nothing to do with
a needed treaty or similar political necessity. Also, Jade has just
said she wants to marry the guy, so it’s not like this is just
dickery aimed at a knight who’s fucked up but the princess of the
realm. And really seems like the sort of thing that’d get Jade to run
to her mom, who appears to still technically be in control and just
not interested in running the country, which would be the last thing
any regent would want.
straight up dickery. Whether or not Karkat’s willing to denounce
Vriska has nothing to do with her own crimes and whatever punishment
they’d normally give. I can see why they might want to do that if
they want an excuse to strip Karkat’s rank, but you haven’t explained
why anyone wants Jade to marry someone from Derse instead, especially
when her description of things seemed like it had nothing to do with
a needed treaty or similar political necessity. Also, Jade has just
said she wants to marry the guy, so it’s not like this is just
dickery aimed at a knight who’s fucked up but the princess of the
realm. And really seems like the sort of thing that’d get Jade to run
to her mom, who appears to still technically be in control and just
not interested in running the country, which would be the last thing
any regent would want.
Plus it’s twisting the law to get what
they want, which is pretty weird to see from AR.
they want, which is pretty weird to see from AR.
[Turning back to the Regent, he said,
“Are you fucking offended? I’m sorry, I thought this was
Prospit, the golden city of freedom and equality, but you’re too busy
trying to suck Derse’s collective dick to give a fuck about
that.” ]
“Are you fucking offended? I’m sorry, I thought this was
Prospit, the golden city of freedom and equality, but you’re too busy
trying to suck Derse’s collective dick to give a fuck about
that.” ]
Right, but why are they in the first
place?
place?
[Pointing at Vriska, he said, “Now
give her to the Capricorn.”
give her to the Capricorn.”
Karkat gasped. “You said—”
“If she can kill it, she goes
free. It’s a chance, as promised.” ]
free. It’s a chance, as promised.” ]
Really, this story would be running a
lot smoother if you just started off from the premise Prospit was in
fact about dickery and not freedom.
lot smoother if you just started off from the premise Prospit was in
fact about dickery and not freedom.
Also really, what’s AR doing here? Why
not just put the Dignitary on the throne and say he’s in cahoots with
Jack, which is why he’s acting in Derse’s favor rather than
Prospit’s?
not just put the Dignitary on the throne and say he’s in cahoots with
Jack, which is why he’s acting in Derse’s favor rather than
Prospit’s?
[The Capricorn caste, the Subjugulators
of old, had all gone insane in antiquity and been cast out of the
cities. Even when they’d been accepted in troll society they had been
the most feared of all blood colors, for their instability, their
baseless cruelty, and their propensity to never stop growing.
Now they were outcasts, savages living at the fringes of
civilization, raiding against both Prospit and Derse and distant New
Alternia, capturing innocents to sacrifice to their clown gods in
their heathen rituals, working devastating chucklevoodoos with the
blood of the slain. ]
of old, had all gone insane in antiquity and been cast out of the
cities. Even when they’d been accepted in troll society they had been
the most feared of all blood colors, for their instability, their
baseless cruelty, and their propensity to never stop growing.
Now they were outcasts, savages living at the fringes of
civilization, raiding against both Prospit and Derse and distant New
Alternia, capturing innocents to sacrifice to their clown gods in
their heathen rituals, working devastating chucklevoodoos with the
blood of the slain. ]
Nice bit of worldbuilding there.
(But the fact they’re keeping one in a
pit for the lulz is further indicating they’re actually a pack of
assholes.)
pit for the lulz is further indicating they’re actually a pack of
assholes.)
[The knight left you in my care, with
platinum to provide for you should I need it ]
platinum to provide for you should I need it ]
So, is it just that they also have
plenty of platinum so it’s getting used as basic coinage, or they’re
so absurdly rich their knights have platinum despite it being of
usual value?
plenty of platinum so it’s getting used as basic coinage, or they’re
so absurdly rich their knights have platinum despite it being of
usual value?
[But,” she said, pointing for
emphasis, “knowing what you know now about the people you worked
for, could you live with yourself still being a knight?”
emphasis, “knowing what you know now about the people you worked
for, could you live with yourself still being a knight?”
Karkat hissed at her, before spitting out a “No” though
grit teeth.]
So this level of dickery is a new
thing, then – or, in the case of murdermonster in the pit, at least
one they normally don’t advertise. But they must be dropping an awful
lot of prisoners down there to keep it fed…
thing, then – or, in the case of murdermonster in the pit, at least
one they normally don’t advertise. But they must be dropping an awful
lot of prisoners down there to keep it fed…
[and breathed into her. It
felt hot and cold at the same time, and filled Vriska with a strange
giddiness. Everything that had hurt before became more uncomfortably
warm than anything. She looked at him confusedly. He smiled. “Direct
descent from the Four. The Crockers are in charge for a reason.”
]
felt hot and cold at the same time, and filled Vriska with a strange
giddiness. Everything that had hurt before became more uncomfortably
warm than anything. She looked at him confusedly. He smiled. “Direct
descent from the Four. The Crockers are in charge for a reason.”
]
Hm. Well, that makes sense for its part
but I’m still wondering how the transition from the White King came
about, unless the carapacian royalty adopted humans as their heirs to
start with. I guess that’d fit, come to think.
but I’m still wondering how the transition from the White King came
about, unless the carapacian royalty adopted humans as their heirs to
start with. I guess that’d fit, come to think.
[Jade threw a huge fit. She made all
the suitors meet up in front of the palace gates, and made a huge
announcement. She will marry whichever man manages to bring her the
rarest treasure by the time of my wedding.” ]
the suitors meet up in front of the palace gates, and made a huge
announcement. She will marry whichever man manages to bring her the
rarest treasure by the time of my wedding.” ]
[You go and find something, then you
can come back and get hitched with Jade and live happily ever after
and have lots of horrible mutant babies.” ]
can come back and get hitched with Jade and live happily ever after
and have lots of horrible mutant babies.” ]
So the idea is that she or John are
also going to be the one judging which is the rarest treasure?
Because that’s great.
also going to be the one judging which is the rarest treasure?
Because that’s great.
[The Capricorn in the pit isn’t
supposed to be anyone in particular, but I was trying to invoke
Mindfang vs. the Grand Highblood. ]
supposed to be anyone in particular, but I was trying to invoke
Mindfang vs. the Grand Highblood. ]
It was Dualscar who went to and was
then killed by the Grant Highblood. Mindfang was up against His
Honorable Tyranny, some weird non-troll monster, and she easily took
him out despite only having one arm, so, not really a good reflection
on Vriska getting her ass kicked and then saved by Karkat.
then killed by the Grant Highblood. Mindfang was up against His
Honorable Tyranny, some weird non-troll monster, and she easily took
him out despite only having one arm, so, not really a good reflection
on Vriska getting her ass kicked and then saved by Karkat.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9456704/3/The-Thief-of-Prospit
(Eridan, Dave, Equius, John, Rose)
(Eridan, Dave, Equius, John, Rose)
You’re really missing out by not having
the whole thing be intended as a farce and Vriska’s just hellbent on
getting something awesome because she’s competitive. (You can always
do the eleventh-hour discovery the oops, someone else will be
judging, but this way you miss out on Karkat bitching about how
stupid this is the whole way.)
the whole thing be intended as a farce and Vriska’s just hellbent on
getting something awesome because she’s competitive. (You can always
do the eleventh-hour discovery the oops, someone else will be
judging, but this way you miss out on Karkat bitching about how
stupid this is the whole way.)
[“I don’t wanna get married,”
said Dave. “Too many pretty girls in the world to settle on
one.”
said Dave. “Too many pretty girls in the world to settle on
one.”
“Nor I,” said Equius. “I,
well…”
well…”
“He’s in love with his maid back
home,” said Eridan tactlessly. “And I, meanwhile, have
simply come to terms with the fact that no one will ever love me.”
home,” said Eridan tactlessly. “And I, meanwhile, have
simply come to terms with the fact that no one will ever love me.”
The Dignitary smacked his forehead.
“Are you dense? If you bring the princess her gift—”
“Are you dense? If you bring the princess her gift—”
Dave whistled at him like a dog. “He’s
too conceited to settle for an arranged marriage. He wants his wife
to love him with the unconditional devotion that pilgrims to the
Sufferer’s hatching place can only dream of.”]
too conceited to settle for an arranged marriage. He wants his wife
to love him with the unconditional devotion that pilgrims to the
Sufferer’s hatching place can only dream of.”]
This is so gloriously perfect.
Really, all of it’s building to be just
great – the suitors and the poor Dignitary trying to deal with
them, then Vriska and Karkat snarking at each other, Vriska
continuing to fail at riding… And it’s cute how happy they are to
see the rainbow desert, it really does sound beautiful.
great – the suitors and the poor Dignitary trying to deal with
them, then Vriska and Karkat snarking at each other, Vriska
continuing to fail at riding… And it’s cute how happy they are to
see the rainbow desert, it really does sound beautiful.
[“Mixed-caste couples tend to get
one that’s between them on the spectrum,” the Abbess explained.
“So let’s say olive?”
one that’s between them on the spectrum,” the Abbess explained.
“So let’s say olive?”
Karkat squinted at her. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I was being
clear,” he said. “Let me rephrase that. Huh?”
She seemed confused. “You’re not in a moirallegiance?”
It had become a habit since the opening of Prospit for trolls who
lived in the city, almost exclusively moirallegiances, to adopt
wigglers in something approaching a human family, finding that
lifestyle more suited to city life amongst less violent peoples. Both
of them had in fact, been brought up this way]
Ooooh. I was wondering why Vriska
seemed happy not to have a lusus. That makes sense.
seemed happy not to have a lusus. That makes sense.
[“Hey,” snapped Karkat, “I
am a goddamn emotional rock. I would be amazing as the passive
partner in a moirallegiance.” ]
am a goddamn emotional rock. I would be amazing as the passive
partner in a moirallegiance.” ]
Karkat is just so great here.
And they sound so cute as kids!
[In the settlement there had been an
exchange of hostages, the youngest son in exchange for some
high-blood or other. A cruel joke; the Empress would send someone to
sit on the throne some day, and a Dersite prince would go live in her
palace for the time it took him to drown. ]
exchange of hostages, the youngest son in exchange for some
high-blood or other. A cruel joke; the Empress would send someone to
sit on the throne some day, and a Dersite prince would go live in her
palace for the time it took him to drown. ]
That does sound very Condesce.
And hm, so that’s how the love triangle
will be resolved, assuming there’s no deaths. Very neat, and nice to
see Kanaya is still a thing.
will be resolved, assuming there’s no deaths. Very neat, and nice to
see Kanaya is still a thing.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9456704/4/The-Thief-of-Prospit
((Kurloz, Meulin, Nepeta))
((Kurloz, Meulin, Nepeta))
[There was one productive thing that
the Capricorns were known for. Their obsession with colors led many
of them to pursue artistic endeavors, and while many of those were
horrifying, they’d come up with a process wherein they wrapped
objects in a net of gold wire, which they’d then set with a special
paste made with a secret mixture of alcohol, troll blood and sand
from the Painted Desert. This would then be placed in a furnace of
burning magnesium and instantaneously be hardened into something
resembling stained glass but harder than diamond. Once, they had been
forced to pay tribute to Prospit, and King Daniel I’s rainbow-colored
war-hammer was the result. It had been lost at the battle of Lohac
five years before with the king’s death. It seems it had merely
returned to its makers.
the Capricorns were known for. Their obsession with colors led many
of them to pursue artistic endeavors, and while many of those were
horrifying, they’d come up with a process wherein they wrapped
objects in a net of gold wire, which they’d then set with a special
paste made with a secret mixture of alcohol, troll blood and sand
from the Painted Desert. This would then be placed in a furnace of
burning magnesium and instantaneously be hardened into something
resembling stained glass but harder than diamond. Once, they had been
forced to pay tribute to Prospit, and King Daniel I’s rainbow-colored
war-hammer was the result. It had been lost at the battle of Lohac
five years before with the king’s death. It seems it had merely
returned to its makers.
Well shit, give a girl a long-lost
family heirloom and she’s almost legally obligated to marry you]
family heirloom and she’s almost legally obligated to marry you]
Ah. A good explanation for why bizarre
stuff like that is an ultimate weapon while dovetailing neatly into
the plotline!
stuff like that is an ultimate weapon while dovetailing neatly into
the plotline!
Hm. So, something happened to Derse
off-camera?
off-camera?
…and also Prospit just got taken
over.
over.
[The coup went off without a hitch. As
soon as the Royal and Heir and the princess were dead, all of the
Dersite agents came out of hiding and launched a perfectly
coordinated attack against Prospit’s infrastructure. Aside from the
Paladins at the palace, in the Regent’s pocket since time immemorial
]
soon as the Royal and Heir and the princess were dead, all of the
Dersite agents came out of hiding and launched a perfectly
coordinated attack against Prospit’s infrastructure. Aside from the
Paladins at the palace, in the Regent’s pocket since time immemorial
]
Really though, doing a Derse vs Prospit
story where the carapacians are a unified side seems to be really
missing the setting.
story where the carapacians are a unified side seems to be really
missing the setting.
And hm, so that’s why her mom is out of
commission, craziness and past lives business. It does sound pretty.
commission, craziness and past lives business. It does sound pretty.
[He never realized how much he loved
the organ until he saw a troll get one of her horns smashed off with
it. He’d never thought that people in his own beloved Prospit could
behave this way. He wanted to blame Derse, but he found he couldn’t.
A month wasn’t enough to degenerate people like this. There had
always been suffering in the golden city, but it had been swept under
the rug to help maintain the metropolitan image. If John was going to
be king, and he felt an increased urgency to become so, he would need
to shoulder a great deal of responsibility. ]
the organ until he saw a troll get one of her horns smashed off with
it. He’d never thought that people in his own beloved Prospit could
behave this way. He wanted to blame Derse, but he found he couldn’t.
A month wasn’t enough to degenerate people like this. There had
always been suffering in the golden city, but it had been swept under
the rug to help maintain the metropolitan image. If John was going to
be king, and he felt an increased urgency to become so, he would need
to shoulder a great deal of responsibility. ]
Well, on the one hand, I do like that
the contradiction there was intentional and is now being addressed,
but on the other, it was more fun to think gold just didn’t have any
real value in the place.
the contradiction there was intentional and is now being addressed,
but on the other, it was more fun to think gold just didn’t have any
real value in the place.
Hm. I love the whole breeze bit, how
it’s described and how you show all the different characters (and how
most of them are just annoyed at John’s blowing on them), but after
that it gets too convenient – John getting bloody vengeance on AR
and all makes it seem like the Dersites won’t be able to do much of
anything to stop him, and Jade was already gearing up to murder her
way through them so between the two, it’s pretty much over.
it’s described and how you show all the different characters (and how
most of them are just annoyed at John’s blowing on them), but after
that it gets too convenient – John getting bloody vengeance on AR
and all makes it seem like the Dersites won’t be able to do much of
anything to stop him, and Jade was already gearing up to murder her
way through them so between the two, it’s pretty much over.
[“And you’re always getting on me
about my books and here you are crying over a fucking puddle.”
about my books and here you are crying over a fucking puddle.”
This time her heart was in it.
“Your books are so fucking stupid and sappy and fake! The sea is
real and beautiful and not full of cheesy-ass lines like—”
with one fluid motion she snapped open Karkat’s saddlebags and pulled
out a book. She steered Maplehoof away from Karkat as he tried to
snatch it back—Vriska was a fast learner and had mastered riding in
their month on the road—and started to read, beginning in a
saccharine falsetto. “‘Make a wish’, she said, once all the
candles had been lit,” Karkat overextended himself and fell off
his brindled riding-beast, getting a mouthful of sand.]
“Your books are so fucking stupid and sappy and fake! The sea is
real and beautiful and not full of cheesy-ass lines like—”
with one fluid motion she snapped open Karkat’s saddlebags and pulled
out a book. She steered Maplehoof away from Karkat as he tried to
snatch it back—Vriska was a fast learner and had mastered riding in
their month on the road—and started to read, beginning in a
saccharine falsetto. “‘Make a wish’, she said, once all the
candles had been lit,” Karkat overextended himself and fell off
his brindled riding-beast, getting a mouthful of sand.]
[She snatched the horrid thing off his
head, releasing a cascade of tattered aluminum shreds. “Wow,”
she said, in a dull monotone. “Really Karkat? After all this
time?” She gave him a look that would not have been out of place
on a kicked puppy. “You still don’t trust me?” Little pools
of cobalt gathered in the corners of her eyes.
head, releasing a cascade of tattered aluminum shreds. “Wow,”
she said, in a dull monotone. “Really Karkat? After all this
time?” She gave him a look that would not have been out of place
on a kicked puppy. “You still don’t trust me?” Little pools
of cobalt gathered in the corners of her eyes.
Karkat felt like absolute shit.
“Goddammit, Vriska I’m sorry. I just—”
“Goddammit, Vriska I’m sorry. I just—”
She started laughing. “Oh God, I
can’t keep up the ‘hurt-feelings’ shit anymore! That was too good! I
did not live until I made someone feel bad about protecting
themselves. Karkat, you are such a fucking bleeding heart loser!”
She rode away again.]
can’t keep up the ‘hurt-feelings’ shit anymore! That was too good! I
did not live until I made someone feel bad about protecting
themselves. Karkat, you are such a fucking bleeding heart loser!”
She rode away again.]
The dynamic you have between the two of
them is just so much fun.
them is just so much fun.
[“It was dead Karkat,” she
spat, “but it didn’t die immediately! It took years to die and
it melted itself down to its constituent parts and the others heard
it and they cried and cried but they couldn’t help it because they
were all just babies—” ]
spat, “but it didn’t die immediately! It took years to die and
it melted itself down to its constituent parts and the others heard
it and they cried and cried but they couldn’t help it because they
were all just babies—” ]
And wow that is amazingly disturbing.
Kudos.
Kudos.
[Karkat was so caught up in speculation
that he didn’t notice the freshly spawned angel sunning itself on a
rock, awaiting its first molt. It had a hideous white body shaped
vaguely like a very slim human, but its waist narrowed into a long,
wormy tail. It had arms surprisingly, but they were misshapen and
stretched out with two awful, long fingers covered in fine little
scales. Karkat surmised that these would grow into feathers soon. The
whole thing was covered some sort of pearlescent goop, much thinner
than the stuff Vriska had fallen into though. Its face had no
features. No ears, no mouth, no nose or eyes, barely a chin. It
looked more like an egg than a head. And yet, it turned to him
sharply and began to scream. Fuckslayer grew scared and bucked Karkat
onto the sand and bolted.
that he didn’t notice the freshly spawned angel sunning itself on a
rock, awaiting its first molt. It had a hideous white body shaped
vaguely like a very slim human, but its waist narrowed into a long,
wormy tail. It had arms surprisingly, but they were misshapen and
stretched out with two awful, long fingers covered in fine little
scales. Karkat surmised that these would grow into feathers soon. The
whole thing was covered some sort of pearlescent goop, much thinner
than the stuff Vriska had fallen into though. Its face had no
features. No ears, no mouth, no nose or eyes, barely a chin. It
looked more like an egg than a head. And yet, it turned to him
sharply and began to scream. Fuckslayer grew scared and bucked Karkat
onto the sand and bolted.
The sound was all in Karkat’s head, and it sounded like murder and
pain and nails on a chalk-board. But it wasn’t actually all that bad.
They said an angel’s voice could drive men insane or outright kill
them. Karkat stood up, dusted himself off, and drew his war-sickle.
“You think you’re tough shit, huh?” It started flopping
backwards, like a fish. The scream became one of alarm. It was
calling for help. Karkat struck its head off, and got a faceful of
pearly blood for his trouble. The body deflated and began to melt. ]
This though just comes off as
monstrous, since he’s attacking a baby and killing it while it’s
trying to flee and screaming for help.
monstrous, since he’s attacking a baby and killing it while it’s
trying to flee and screaming for help.
[Its shrieking seemed more curious than
angry though, probably wondering why Karkat wasn’t a gibbering wreck
by now. Karkat smirked. “I bet you nook-sniffing bird-shit
blooded fuckers have never had to work for your food a day in your
lives, eh?” ]
angry though, probably wondering why Karkat wasn’t a gibbering wreck
by now. Karkat smirked. “I bet you nook-sniffing bird-shit
blooded fuckers have never had to work for your food a day in your
lives, eh?” ]
Now, if the idea actually is that
they’re predatory and the initial cry was just because they’re evil
and they like watching people’s heads pop open, you need to set it up
way better. What you’d said so far about them is they were horribly
upset they couldn’t help the dead angel, then that one starts
screaming angrily when a strange thing approaches their territory,
then that this baby angel that can’t even fly is afraid and calling
for help, then other angels promptly respond to its cries, So they
feel emotions and they care about each other, and here Karkat is
happily killing every one he can get his sickle into. And they also
possess curiosity and other non-murdering traits. All this adds up to
something you probably shouldn’t kill just because it’s in front of
you.
they’re predatory and the initial cry was just because they’re evil
and they like watching people’s heads pop open, you need to set it up
way better. What you’d said so far about them is they were horribly
upset they couldn’t help the dead angel, then that one starts
screaming angrily when a strange thing approaches their territory,
then that this baby angel that can’t even fly is afraid and calling
for help, then other angels promptly respond to its cries, So they
feel emotions and they care about each other, and here Karkat is
happily killing every one he can get his sickle into. And they also
possess curiosity and other non-murdering traits. All this adds up to
something you probably shouldn’t kill just because it’s in front of
you.
And it’s not like Karkat would just do
it because they’re demons to him, since he was the one arguing with
Eridan that it was fucked up to be trying to kill them all.
it because they’re demons to him, since he was the one arguing with
Eridan that it was fucked up to be trying to kill them all.
If you want them to be things he can
justly murder, make them more monstrous and not afraid or defending
themselves. It’s not clear here if their screaming is even malicious
or if it’s defensive, and Karkat’s immune to it anyway so if that was
all, he could’ve just walked in – they only start blasting him with
death beams after he murders one and they come to defend it. Having
him not go straight for violence and letting the angels demonstrate
they’re a bunch of malevolent feathery assholes before he starts
carving them up would work much better.
justly murder, make them more monstrous and not afraid or defending
themselves. It’s not clear here if their screaming is even malicious
or if it’s defensive, and Karkat’s immune to it anyway so if that was
all, he could’ve just walked in – they only start blasting him with
death beams after he murders one and they come to defend it. Having
him not go straight for violence and letting the angels demonstrate
they’re a bunch of malevolent feathery assholes before he starts
carving them up would work much better.
I love what Equius and Eridan are
getting up to. Such nice sidequests, and an Eridan ship that works
surprisingly well!
getting up to. Such nice sidequests, and an Eridan ship that works
surprisingly well!
Also, wonderfully creepy description of
the city, and the more present danger of the circling angels. It
probably would’ve been better to just not have Karkat killing the
angels earlier, since that kills a lot of the tension compared to if
they’re trying to sneak by and we have no idea if they can even take
a single angel in a fight. Plus, that gives them more time to develop
how messed up the angels are.
the city, and the more present danger of the circling angels. It
probably would’ve been better to just not have Karkat killing the
angels earlier, since that kills a lot of the tension compared to if
they’re trying to sneak by and we have no idea if they can even take
a single angel in a fight. Plus, that gives them more time to develop
how messed up the angels are.
[At regular intervals, they could see
smaller brick tunnels identical to their own branching off to service
the rest of the dead city. As they swam, it seemed that the brick
tunnels were higher out of the water, until they reached one that was
completely dry. “The city’s sinking!” Karkat realized as he
pulled himself out of the water into a sitting position.
smaller brick tunnels identical to their own branching off to service
the rest of the dead city. As they swam, it seemed that the brick
tunnels were higher out of the water, until they reached one that was
completely dry. “The city’s sinking!” Karkat realized as he
pulled himself out of the water into a sitting position.
Vriska nodded. “Stacking several tons of stone on a sandy
beach will do that.”]
Of course. What kind of trip through an
ancient city would it be without some of it being underwater? And the
sinking is a nice contrast to it otherwise being freakishly well
preserved.
ancient city would it be without some of it being underwater? And the
sinking is a nice contrast to it otherwise being freakishly well
preserved.
And giant angel! Because it would be
disappointing after they realized there were bigger ones to not force
them to have to deal with one anyway.
disappointing after they realized there were bigger ones to not force
them to have to deal with one anyway.
[Hey Karkat,” she said, “I’ve
been thinking. You don’t really hate me, do you?”
been thinking. You don’t really hate me, do you?”
He sputtered. “Of course I do! How
could you even ask that?”
could you even ask that?”
Vriska snickered. “Come off it
Karkat, you’re too good a person to properly hate anybody, at least
in that way.”
Karkat, you’re too good a person to properly hate anybody, at least
in that way.”
“Fuck that, I will show you what a
great kismesis I am,” said. Then he grabbed Vriska, spun her
around, and kissed her.
great kismesis I am,” said. Then he grabbed Vriska, spun her
around, and kissed her.
“Are you happy now,” she
murmured when he pulled back.
murmured when he pulled back.
“No,” he said, removing his
jacket. “We are going to have, like, crazy hatesex right now.
All of it.” He threw off his chainmail, which clattered to the
stones with a satisfying clink. “All of the hatesex,” he
elaborated.
jacket. “We are going to have, like, crazy hatesex right now.
All of it.” He threw off his chainmail, which clattered to the
stones with a satisfying clink. “All of the hatesex,” he
elaborated.
Vriska raised an eyebrow. “Somehow
I doubt that.”
I doubt that.”
“Was that a jab at my virility?”
Karkat said, pointing an accusatory finger, “Because that just
makes me hate you more—”
Karkat said, pointing an accusatory finger, “Because that just
makes me hate you more—”
Vriska slapped away his hand as it
drifted towards her. “This is just the adrenaline talking
Karkat. And possibly all the brain-damage finally catching up to
you.”]
drifted towards her. “This is just the adrenaline talking
Karkat. And possibly all the brain-damage finally catching up to
you.”]
You make a very good point – they’ve
been defining their relationship around hate, but it’s never been
particularly hateful. Nicely done.
been defining their relationship around hate, but it’s never been
particularly hateful. Nicely done.
Good god it’s nice to read something
that has a plot.
that has a plot.
Human kids, half the troll kids (at
this rate, everyone)
this rate, everyone)
That’s 8/13ths of the way done. And
looking at the rest, they’re all looking rather chaptered as well.
Huh. This is going to be harder than I thought.
looking at the rest, they’re all looking rather chaptered as well.
Huh. This is going to be harder than I thought.
Wordcount: 5047! And with that, I’mback on target.
…does this AR have ANYTHING besides the initials in common with canon AR?
His shell is black!