8/06/12-8/07/12

A Break at Midnight (Doze (HB?))

[There’s a crack like an even break as a large green moon careens into view from behind the grey curvature of Alternia, and there’s a whoosh like a perfect backspin as it swoops through the night sky.]

This is really poetic but I can’t get over the part where there’s sound connected to moons moving through space.

This is intriguing. Does Doze need to close his eyes or is it for his own peace of mind?

[but the house wasn’t burned down and now The Felt have a chance to rebuild. To make things right.]

And what are the Felt trying to do here? If that was Boxcars who was just killed, then the Felt are being preserved after the Midnight Crew’s being killed off, so what’s their purpose?

Temporalgernon (Eggs, practically everyone else)

Oh hey, this again!

[fractured ally]

Alley, I think.

And hm, you paint a disturbing picture of this timeline. Something related to the messed up cake?

[What ended up happening was, he took over, most of the surviving gangs got absorbed into the Midnight Crew, some other shit happened, some assholes decided it would be so fucking cool to bring back those useless fossils travelers dig up sometimes to life. See the huge birds flying around out here? Those ain’t birds.]

I really like how inventive this all is. Also, dinosaurs.

[ He dismissed his shadow magic doppelganger of Snowman and casually retrieved a shortsword from his drawer.]

Ha!

Hm actually where is Snowman in this? Does the timepower-blocky stuff also block the being-the-universe power she’s got going on and Slick killed her, or did she just wander off to do other stuff?

[Itchy grabbed at his hood and headgear and tore the goggles off. A little blood drained from the bottoms of the lenses, blood that had leaked through his tear ducts and were now streaming down his cheeks. Itchy spat at the ground- more blood- and wiped his face with his sleeve, smearing it. “I said I’m fine,” he snapped. “Yeah, I can still use my power, it’s just- hard. Really fucking hard, and it doesn’t even always work, and when it does I bleed a little. Whatever. ]

Ooh, cool.

[Itchy jumped at the last moment, kicking the carapace off of her mount and sending her plummeting to her death into the sunder. ]

Carapaces seem really durable, so that seems hard to believe. Also, don’t any of the others notice this?

[Then, he realized, that there was no tachyonite dust down here.]

…huh. So if he gets into a cave or something he could produce a clone army and send them out, since once they’re made they should be stable! …Or I guess they could just clean Die’s doll off or something practical like that.

[ It looked very much like a large, scaly wolf with saber teeth and a short, stubby tail. But most notably, it was dressed in a custom-made, pastel sweater and a large, silly tree-shaped hat. Around its neck was a collar, and dangling from it was a little black club.]

What?

[“Snowman,” he said. “Snowman is alive.”]

Excellent.

[Snowy can use the shadow magic]

Excellent.

Ah, rousing violence and inventiveness. Also, so, the revived can get their souls back by hitting a thread that’s from their proper timeline, or something? Is the threads thing related to the falling apart coat?

Temporalgernon

Hm. Interesting about the shadow magic, and things with Itchy seem to be brewing…

Wow it’s weird reading long chapters where events happen.

Vengancestuck (FOC (Jack))

It’s spelled vengeance.

[If you’re worried about mary-sueness, I’ve put RC through a rigorous Mary-Sue limitus test, on Springhole . net, and she scored an 11, which is ridiculously low. Trust me.]

Sue tests are really only good for picking up the big, obvious things. It’s quite possible for a character to score high without being one or low while still being one. Also, “litmus”.

[If the hems of the skirt weren’t soaked in blood, and therefore weighed down, then it would be a problem. ]

I think regardless of if the hems were weighed the condition of her skirt really isn’t a big deal under the circumstances.

[ The healer’s garb you wore left your shoulders exposed, but you never minded.]

As that’s an extremely impractical design, why wouldn’t she?

[You had very recently weaved a couple long, black primary feathers into the cloth wrapping near the top.]

Wove, not weaved.

[Blood (there seems to be no shortage of the substance) flowed from the clean cut on your cheek. It, unlike your other wounds, would scar permanently.]

Why and how is she so certain?

[A shadow of a distinct shape passes over you, accompanied by the sound of swooping wings. Not this bozo again. ]

Having her considering a genocidal monster a bozo doesn’t make her sound like she’s brave and defiant. It makes it sound like he’s not a genocidal monster in the first place, and/or that she’s an idiot.

[Jack Noir’s face twisted in anger at your rebellious behavior,]

Bracing for an attack isn’t rebellious.

[You hastily get to work disinfecting the wound.]

The first thing to do in battlefield medicine is just to stop the bleeding. You worry about infection after the person isn’t seconds from death.

[Maybe some sutras as well]

A sutra is a type of book. You presumably mean suture.

[He falls, you kick him to the side and let him bleed out. You cared not for Dersites. Those pitch carapaces disgusted you. The evil Dersites would destroy Skaia if not kept in check or even annihilated. You look him straight in those beady eyes as he finally dies. Good riddance.
You turn back to the wounded Prospitian, only to stop when you no longer notice the rise and fall of the soldier’s chest. With frantic haste, you check his pulse once more. Nothing. You shed a tear, but you do not linger.]

You know, if she’s so concerned for the injured of her side, she really shouldn’t be pausing to watch some random Dersite bleed out while she has work to do.

[ With honed reflexes, you immediately pull the medical scissors from your belt and fling the sharp device toward your assailant’s approximate location. You turn just in time to see the scissors stab the freakish winged Dersite’s thigh. Bull’s eye.]

Firstly, he’s not a freakish winged Dersite, he’s a Dersite displaying the royal prototypings and, at a distance, is likely indistinguishable from the queen. She should be hating it because she thinks the Black Queen’s arrived, not because odd looking Dersites are just weird. Secondly, he’s practically unstoppable, he’s not going to be stabbed by an improvised throwing weapon.

[He grips his regisword and swoops towards you in a rage. He aggrieves, and you just barely avoid a fatal wound, instead gleaning a cut to the cheek. He flies past you, circling around for another assault. It is time for you to start improvising. He speeds towards you, but in the last possible moment, you duck, then spring upward to cling to the back of the Dersite’s legs. He shrieks in anger and tries to shake you off, but you have a different idea. You bring your legs up to wrap around his, and, using his own feet as leverage, leap upwards to perch precariously on the Dersite’s shoulders. The extra weight causes him to falter somewhat, so in order to prevent yourself from falling off, you lock your legs around his neck. He tries to strike at you, but you whack away the sword and lift your battle staff, ready to aggrieve the freakish Dersite right in the chest. Unfortunately, he chooses that moment to gain altitude. Your attack veers off course, and instead of the sharp point on the staff hitting his torso, it sinks into the feathery mass of a wing. You rip the staff away, with it coming more than a handful of blood-soaked primary feathers. A few really good ones get caught in your hood. He falters once more, and you ready yourself to make another strike, but he claws upwards, gouging into your left arm. ]

No.

Jack is prototyped and super powerful. He has a pair of tentacles he could easily use to tear her off and crush her to death. He is not going to struggle under her weight, he isn’t going to flail around helplessly, and he isn’t going to be easily injured by a staff.

[Oh, and please, please notice RC’s hypocritical flaws. She’s not only a badass, she’s a fucked-up badass. Obviously, her rivalry (cough-cough kismesissitude cough-cough) with Jack will… change that.]

Except Jack is crazy powerful. Your OC should not be a badass capable of holding her own in a fight against him when he’s strong enough to singlehandedly wipe out both armies. You can’t “balance” out that with the standard racism flaw.

If you want Jack to have some blackrommy sort of thing with her, it’d require him deliberately toying with her, because he’s already past the point a regular carapace can do much against him.

Vengancestuck Ch2 (Jack, FOC)

[I’ve already come up with the two other names that RC will have. I can tell you the second one (Reformed Combatant), but I can’t tell you the third one, because it would be a spoiler]

Pretty sure telling us she’s going to become reformed is already a spoiler.

[You continue to fly off towards Prospit, when you realize that you’re going the wrong direction.]

Considering that it’s a planet, I think he’d know if he were flying toward it. If you want him to fly off, then turn around and end up back where she is, just say he met her before blowing up Prospit and came back afterward.

[ If she survived that fall (which is completely plausible), then that bitch owes you big time.]

If he expected her to survive the drop, he should have paused to kill her.

[ Especially because of this wound in your left wing. She had seemed to be quite medically adept.]

She is not the only one capable of fixing injuries in existence and she’s a particularly bad choice. Also, she has done nothing to indicate she’s medically adept. He flew over her and she threw scissors at him. That’s all.

[ There is also the issue of the stab wound in your leg. At first, it was just annoying, but now your leg is beginning to go numb, which you’re pretty sure is a bad thing.
You falter a bit mid-air.]

Jack isn’t this fragile even unprototyped.

[ idiotic usurper ]

She has no idea Jack is a usurper and should she know, I see no reason why she’d care about what goes on among the enemy side.

[Oh, he’s got to be kidding. Had he not noticed earlier that attacking you straight on never works?]

Yes, it does, because Jack is an extremely dangerous opponent. A regular carapace can’t so much as hold him off for a few seconds, let alone actually repel his attack. And again, he also has two tentacles.

[ if your hand doesn’t receive medical attention soon, it may as well be infected.]
[stab wound on his leg appeared to be a little infected]

There are other issues with wounds than if they get infected.

[ “Look,” this seems to cause him physical pain. “It seems we got off on the wrong foot.” You notice the two in the background nodding, “How ’bout this, you tend to my injuries, and I let you live, which is pretty fucking generous of me seeing as you caused them in the first place,” he added venomously.]

I really think the Dignitary, at least, is probably capable of such complexities as tying a bandage. Also, in the event Jack felt like carrying out this farce, he should be threatening to stab her until she does what he wants, not offering her things.

Vengancestuck Ch3 (FOC (Jack, DD, CD))

So yeah. You need to work harder to get your character into this position. Either she needs to be more tractable so Jack grabs her because it’s the easiest option or he needs to enjoy having her around to torment. Trying to make her capable of severely harming him and also the only one able to help is just way, way too much.

Also, a Prospitian with even the slightest belief in their own side should be willing to die rather than fix him up. If without aid Jack’s going to be crippled, then her death will do far more than most soldiers.

[Tenderly, you place a hand to your face, palpitating the place where Jack punched you, expecting black eye. You are shocked when your carapace gives under your touch. Your breathing picks up. No. This is bad. This is very, very bad. You take you hand away and a few shards of bloodied carapace stick to your fingers.

He had shattered your face.]

This is a nice bit, though. Quite disturbing.

Doze (HB?)
Eggs, Felt, MC
FOC, Jack (DD, CD)


One of three.


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Wordcount: 28160