I can’t believe I’m actually finished.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9826457/1/GenericallyStuck (MOC (BQ, JN, HB))

[You, Kyle Smith, decide it’s a good idea to visit the BLACK QUEEN. Only she and the higher agents of Derse know that you are actually awake.]

Huh. Is there any advantage to this, though? The average carapace doesn’t seem like they’re a threat, it’s the top agents that concern Dirk. Plus, the queen and top agents are the ones who’d spread the word if they decided to.

[“How much longer must you hide in the shadows, Seer?” She released, sounding bored.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”

Also, “released” is a really terrible replacement for “said”.

[“It’s only a week-and-a-half now, my queen. Why are you antsy about it? You know I will eventually have to kill you.”

“Maybe I wish it done with already. This is a quite boring existence, just being in eternal stalemate.”]

This is a bit creepy but otherwise dull.

The only awake characters that seem to have actually interacted with either kingdom pre-game are the Prospit players, who are aligned with the White Queen. If he’s on good terms with his kingdom despite them being not game-aligned, that’s interesting. If he’s just going along with the script anyway and gives zero fucks about murdering people he knows…that’s a lot less interesting.

Also, what’s with the sureness? The game means he’ll be in conflict with Derse, not that his team necessarily wins, let alone what form their victory will take. Being a seer doesn’t mean you get certainty, particularly not when things haven’t even begun

[“HEY KID, JACK SENT ME ‘TA GET YER HEAD. SORRY I GOTTA DO THIS OR ITS MY HEAD.”
You look back at your desk, Your LARGE BARRET 50. CAL is within easy reaching distance, but if you try to point it at the opposer’s face, he’ll have his SERIOUS AX TO GRIND half way down your spine. Aha!
You lunge for your rifle, The AX TO GRIND swings towards you, You grab the rifle by the barrel and scope, pulling it over yourself as so to deflect the incoming axe.
CLANG
Successful block, but if you keep here, he will surely crush you with your own rifle. You grip the rifle hard and shift quickly to the left. The axe drops into your red floor. You quickly reposition the rifle to the side of the Hegemotic Brute’s temple as he reaches for his axe. He freezes, your finger snakes to the trigger and you pull.
ClickBAM!
Eugh, his brains are all over your computer monitor, Gonna have to clean that shit off soon. You drag his body off to your window, and throw the heavy carcass out. It makes an audible splat outside]

Okay, so what I said before about the zero fucks problem.

He just murdered someone. Someone he knew. Someone not even especially happy about it, and over something that, strictly speaking, does not threaten his actual life but just his ability to cheat death later if he needs to. And someone who, in that moment, he could probably have safely escaped from instead, because you seem to prefer a character trending toward sueish rather than one in a desperate struggle so you make sure to include that the guy’s frozen in recognition of how your character’s won before you have him killed.

Basically this is a situation where really, someone should be displaying more emotion about the killing than the fact they’re going to have to clean up mess made from it.

[You look to your friend. She is alright. Shit. You mean he. Before her real self died, she considered herself Transgender. You wonder why her Dreamself is okay, but then realize that you kissed her in time, as she was your girlfriend. But if so, why is she always asleep? You mean all of that in male pronouns of course.]

Well, this is going nowhere good, is it?

It keeps happening.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9704561/1/A-Stabdads-Story (DD (Stabdads))

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[Three years ago, a miracle occurred at an average pub; no one bothered you. No members of the Felt, no cops, no one decided to pester your group…other than the four gorgeous girls that somehow lured the Midnight Crew into having a very fun time that night.
Now, you weren’t stupid when it came to these kinds of events, especially with how rare they are; you were smart enough to be safe (Slick probably wasn’t, and Deuce wouldn’t have been either…though the latter was extremely naïve and had a better excuse than Slick, who just didn’t care), and thankfully you got no complaints in later months of any of those sex-transmitted diseases that you hear about occasionally on the news…however, judging by the fact that a 3 year old little girl was left at your doorstep, you figure that something must’ve went wrong somewhere.]

Uh. Unless this is about the only time they got laid ever, it’s hard to believe Droog would remember a particular time in such detail, let alone be certain that the random kid that appeared must be from them. Also, if apparently he’s the only one definitely using protection and Slick and Deuce generally don’t (although I’m not sure why you seem to think Slick not bothering means he never uses it, since that’s the sort of thing women tend to have opinions of their own on) and they’re having sex more than just the once, why hasn’t the rest of the gang gotten other women pregnant by now?

To not get into the contrivance of four women all sleeping with them once on the same night and all getting pregnant from it and then all deciding to dump off their kids at once years later.

Oh, also, math. The kids are not three if the women got pregnant three years ago. They’re two and a few months. Given that apparently is the only sex Droog remembers, that girl can’t be his kid.

[After a brief discussion about what to do next, you all agreed that the natural next step would be to bug your boss, Spades Slick, to see if he’d also be joining you in the wonderful world of parenting.]

Why isn’t the first step leaving them at a hospital to become someone else’s problem?

I’m not saying it’s impossible to have them raise kids, but you definitely need more of a reason than that there are kids in their vicinity that they have the option of raising.

[Unfortunately, he wouldn’t fucking answer the door (you saw no kid there, so either there was a higher power that clearly recognized the fact that there was no way someone like Spades fucking Slick could ever be responsible enough to be a father…or the kid somehow broke into the house), but you did notice that one of his windows had been freshly broken (bingo)]

And I’m not saying this setup isn’t funny, but isn’t it a lot more likely the mom or whoever else dumped the kid did this? A precociously criminal kid might break a window, but toddlers generally just aren’t big enough to crawl in one.

[“Where’s your mother?” you ask, though you’re not really sure if you’re going to get an actual answer.

“What’s a mother?” Wow, you actually get an answer out of him…and it kind of makes you want to crawl in a hole and die (hey, you might be a ruthless gang member, but you at least have the ability to pity a motherless, almost orphan]

No, Droog is a pretty terrible person who does indeed lack that ability. This gets back to the issue that you really, really need to give him a motivation for caring for these kids beyond that they exist and need someone to take care of them. Viewing them as mobile fashion accessories, for example.

[Crowbar – Roxy (adopted; Rose and Roxy’s Mom was a friend of Doc Scratch. She died and Scratch, pitying the children, took them in…though Crowbar was mostly forced to raise Roxy.]
[Doc Scratch – Rose (see explanation at Crowbar – Roxy)]

Speaking of pretty terrible people, Doc Scratch is one of the only characters in the comic to have a child and explain his thoughts on raising one. It involved locking her in a room for her entire childhood and abusing her until she gave up even trying to kill herself and was willing to obey another even worse monster. You do not want him involved in your domestic fic.  Crowbar can be friends with Roxy’s mother all by himself if you want him to adopt a kid, because Crowbar hasn’t expressed the opinion that childrearing involves suffocating children until they obey you.

You know, I might be onto something with the mobile accessories. Droog certainly can tolerate a lot of bullshit, as shown by the entire rest of the Crew, so the real hurdle is explaining what he’s getting out of it, and smaller versions of them who don’t have strong opinions about what outfits he stuffs them into might be enough. After all, it isn’t canon if he actually cares about ruining outfits, just that he doesn’t want ruined stuff to keep being worn.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9704561/2/A-Stabdads-Story (CD, Kankri, Karkat)

[you weren’t going to leave all these poor, defenseless kids in Slick’s house without someone watching them…and all of you were needed for your mission tonight, so getting a babysitter was the best way to go (even if Slick would yell at you later for giving away the address of his house to a complete stranger who could easily call the cops on you).]

Actually, it seems like the way they’d handle it is drop the kids off at someone who’s agreed to babysit. I mean, you already have them consolidating all the kids from four houses to one.

[ You know you should be doing this; you should be asleep with the other kids]

In that case, I assume you meant “shouldn’t” that first time, as what you’ve got doesn’t make sense.

[You remember waking up in a hospital, something attached to your wrist, a bunch of machines and wires attached to you. Doctors had come into your room shortly after you awoke, and they told you many things very quickly so that you’d only understand bits and pieces. They said that it was a miracle that you were alive, that you’d even woken up (you were supposed to be asleep for a very long time…maybe forever). They said that the car was gone now; in the crash, it’d been pushed off the road and had flipped a bunch of times. They said that Crabdad was gone (he was gone because he protected you, he shielded you from most of the painful stuff, stuff that could’ve made you go away too), just like that woman, the one that gave birth to you and disappeared…you wanted to cry, but you couldn’t, because you’re a big kid, and big kids don’t cry.

You remember a strange man you’d never seen before taking you out of the hospital when you were all patched up. The man never identified himself, though you faintly noticed that he somehow had gotten all your stuff packed up and ready to go, so you guessed that he was one of those “Social Services” people that had given you to Crabdad (they took a lot of time to do it apparently; they almost refused to). You remember the few brief cases holding your belongings being thrown onto the dead lawn of this dirty house, and when the man drove away, you had rang the doorbell until you realized that no one would answer. The rest was history.

You don’t really like the man taking care of you now; he’s cold, mean, and he often forgets that you’re even there (you don’t really eat all that much because of that). Still…he’s your dad, and he’s the only one you’ve got left. Since you never go anywhere together, and he leaves for work without you, you stick to watching the window and making sure he comes home every night…you almost get no sleep because of it, but it’s worth it, just to see Stabdad come home.]

This is all very tragic, but it’s not at all Karkat.

Karkat’s got issues of his own and none of them map on to survivor’s guilt and missing parents. And he absolutely adored Jack beyond all reason.

Also, if the reason he isn’t eating is because Slick just doesn’t have food, Deuce shouldn’t say he doesn’t eat, because he should be ravenous and gobble down food whenever it does appear.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9704561/3/A-Stabdads-Story (Crowbar)

[Besides, this wasn’t the Disney’s version of the Felt]

You mean “of the Little Mermaid”. Disney has no versions of the Felt.

[this was the original Grimm Brothers version (which the children seemed to enjoy more). ]

I really, really doubt that, in part because the original version is if anything more shitty but mostly because it was written by Hans Christian Anderson a few decades after the Grimm Brothers’ fairy tales were published.

[It seemed sort of demented that Vriska, Terezi, and Eridan were praying for the prince’s demise]

It seems sort of demented that apparently most of the kids weren’t. In fairness to the prince, it’s not exactly his fault, but given everything she does for him and how much suffering she goes through and the fact his actions are going to kill her, most kids find him pretty hateable.

[You looked over to Roxy and smiled; she was sleeping, safe and sound, and Scratch would be staying in order to keep things that way once again (you felt a bit bad for leaving Scratch alone at the mansion every night, but he didn’t seem to mind). ]

Speaking of hateable characters, seriously this guy is coded as a pedophile and in actual fact is horribly abusive, finishing a cutesy scene with the fact you’re leaving him alone with small children is pretty horrible.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9704561/4/A-Stabdads-Story (Stitch, Dave, Droog)

That’s right! We’re now four chapters in, have had seven different viewpoint characters, and not one girl. Boy viewpoints are vital enough that Dave has just appeared out of nowhere at all, though. You know, when I started the count I was just expecting it to be a good way of measuring which characters more commonly appeared, but it goes beyond that.

Still, at least Homestuck’s great as a case study. The fact people’s AUs so inevitably end up focused on the male characters has disproved the theory people only ignore female ones because the canon gives them so little.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9704561/5/A-Stabdads-Story (Sollux, Tavros)

You know, I realize that almost all your adult cast are male, but that doesn’t apply to the kids and it’s getting a bit troublesome how much the story is keeping the female characters in the background.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9409513/1/Green-Girl (Calliope (Caliborn, Snowman, Slick))

[Where’s here? I still have no clue. My brother Caliborn and I have lived in this…I don’t know…bunker? For years and we haven’t been able to leave until now.

The only connection we’ve had to the outside world was the internet, but for all we know we could’ve been on Mars.

We’ve survived somehow, well I did at least. I have no clue what Caliborn’s been doing besides reblogging pictures of cats, ordering really stupid stuff in the mail, and of course, plotting my demise.]

If they can order stuff, then they know their address and Calliope should be able to tell people she’s trapped in some bunker.

[Somehow we were supplied with everything we needed; food, clothes, deodorant (thankfully), you name it.]

If the reason is because it’s in the mail, then this doesn’t really work. The kids should either be ordering what they need with whatever limitless budget Caliborn’s using to buy shit or they should be getting mysterious packages that happen to contain what they like. Both at the same time is redundant and makes it ridiculous for Calliope to be thankful something’s remembered when she could just order it if it wasn’t.

Also, that’s not how semicolons work so I’m assuming you meant a regular colon. That’s a : mark.

[I had discovered this thing called “shojo” by accident, and I became completely obsessed with it. I started reading it, and drawing it, and then I became obsessed with the idea of a rose petal prince who would come save me from the hell Caliborn put me through. ]

I’m not sure why you did this. Calliope’s already got her interests and obsessions – she inserts herself into nicer places, pretending to be someone else, as illustrated by her fanfic and fanart.

[Her dark hair was curled (naturally?) and bounced at her shoulders. ]

So, Calliope still looks like her usual self, but not the carapaces? That’s kind of weird. Although I guess you haven’t clarified if she’s basically human with green skin and no hair or her full cherub self.

But anyway, I love your description of them both and I’m curious why they’re together and here for some reason.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9409513/2/Green-Girl ((Ms Paint, Doc Scratch))

[It may have seemed a bit silly of me, to be that obsessed, but that was the one thing I held on to for all of my years in captivity with my monster of a brother. High school was this magical place and I would be popular and surrounded by friends and I would find my prince.]

I wouldn’t say silly. Unspeakably stupid, maybe. Look, in canon and in the last chapter, she’s very bothered by her appearance. Media speaks of little but how much high school is full of teasing and bullying, and even the nice stories are only ones with pretty people in them who look nothing like her. At best, she could be hopeful despite knowing she shouldn’t be and hoping that she’d find a true friend who didn’t care what she looked like, since that is a narrative you seem more often than ugly girl is automatically super popular.

[“You can just call me Ms. Paint and I’ll get you looking like the sweet thing you are.” Ms. Paint had a slight twang that I recognized as a British accent from the Harry Potter series. She seemed like the Southern Belle type.]

British and Southern Belle are two very different things.

[“He’s actually a sweetie once you get to know him and get past his prickly outside. He cares so much he’s overbearing at times. ]

No, he’s definitely just an asshole. Look, Ms Paint finds him attractive even when all he’s doing is stabbing the guy who saved his life. Just say she likes actual him instead of inventing some alternative him that’s sweet and caring for her to ramble delusionally about.

[We’re running away together tonight because our mission is over- whoops! I bet I wasn’t supposed to say that! Oh well. Hopefully one day you’ll understand this all. ]

I get the impression you just don’t have the best answer. There doesn’t seem much reason for Slick to be involved, but that just makes it worse to act like there’s some secret and making the reason have to be super important. Simple is nice. Like, say, Snowman just blackmailed him into helping her out with it because she didn’t want to deal with Caliborn and figured the shared temperament of the two would make him good at wrangling the kid. The less important, the less it has to be a great answer, you know?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9409513/3/Green-Girl ((Roxy))

[I dressed in my version of the uniform; a pleated skirt and blazer with my green bow tie and plain kid gloves.]

Please stop using semicolons.

Also, you’re making a lot of typos, you need to proofread better.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9409513/4/Green-Girl ((Dirk))

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”

Well, that went downhill unexpectedly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9858725/1/Alterian-Adventure (Dave (Rose, Slick, Ms Paint, MOC))

Don’t flip between first and second person. Second and third if you really must jump POVs.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[“Hurry up strider, we’re going to be late.” she says “We really shouldn’t be late for Monster defense class, I heard that we’re going questing today.”]

Okay, so, names get capitalized, and things that aren’t names don’t get random capital letters stuck on them.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”

[Most people who pass will eventually be chosen by the queen to eventually be one of the elite strife kind that protects the kingdom. Fail and you’ll be stuck in town to protect the villages. Not that it means you’re a weakling, everyone in town’s a strife kind, offense techniques. The healers know the breath of life. This allows them to heal the more life threatening wounds, but they might also need specific herbs. Acquiring those usually results in life threatening wounds.]

Well that sure was a muddle. You’re not a weakling because everyone in town is a strife kind, offensive techniques? Somehow this has to do with the fact “the healers” (in town? in general?) have a healing spell which sometimes needs fancy herbs and sometimes doesn’t, but if it does, it’s apparently a waste of time because you’ll usually end up needing a healing spell from getting the ingredients for a healing spell, or actively detrimental if we’re talking about multiple herbs and the getting of just one part of the list is enough to “usually result” in nearly dying.

[ Rose started pestering me about the end of the year A Quest. That is very important. it decides whether or not we pass. You sigh, great another thing for you to be worried about. He needed to pass this since his brother is a prince of heart]

Good god now you’re jumping through all three possible POVs within a paragraph.

[Ms. Paint an endearing and caring teacher came up to Mr. Slick & gave him what appears to be black licorice dogs. He seemed content after that.]

1) If Ms Paint could stop Slick’s stabfests, Hussie probably wouldn’t have been getting used as a pincushion.
2) “And” is three keystrokes. & is two. Just write the damn word.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9859541/1/The-Union-of-The-Two-Kingdoms

This really, really did not need to be a separate chapter.

Also, why the hell are they going ahead with a unification wedding when the prophets are all saying that ironically that’ll cause the next war? That would mean there’d be no war as long as they could hold off on marrying each other.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9859541/2/The-Union-of-The-Two-Kingdoms (Jade (John, Jane, Jake))

[“Jade, it’s time to get up. You must prepare to meet your husband to be. Prospit depends on it.” ]

No, evidently Prospit depends on avoiding the whole affair because once it happens war follows right after.

[She barley caught the dress he tossed.]

Barely. Barley is the grain.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9859541/3/The-Union-of-The-Two-Kingdoms (Dave (Rose, Roxy))

[and father are displeased with this]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one, so it’s Father here.

[The alarm clock had gone off a while ago and he had forgotten how to turn it off, so, in a fit of frustration, he had turned it off.]

What?

[and even checked wheRe he his his favorite casuals]

PROOFREAD.

[Now Davey, when you meet a girl, you always now in her presence]

Again, what? “Bow” maybe?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9859541/4/The-Union-of-The-Two-Kingdoms

[Things in the kingdom of Prospit were, as it had seemed, very relaxed. Even their jail treated their inmates as royalty and served them gourmet food at every mealtime. Often times people would commit crimes to get into jail it was so nice. ]

Okay see if things are generally awesome in Prospit, then the jail treatment should just be standard for them and not so great people want to get arrested. For gourmet meals to be something worth committing a crime for, the average person must not be getting them otherwise.

[you’re princess]

Your. Look, get a beta reader, this is a disaster.

[“It is an honor to meet a lady of the night such as yourself.” Rose curtseyed.]

Okay, I think you should try googling that phrase and see what it means.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9859541/5/The-Union-of-The-Two-Kingdoms (Jack, Boxcars (Droog))

Hey, it’s Jack! Would be nice to hear what the actual reasoning here is, though – is he doing this out of a general sense Derse should trample Prospit or does he have a plan to use this to gain power personally?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9741351/1/The-Null-Session

USE PARAGRAPHS

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9878106/1/Welcome-to-Gloaming-Town (CD (Ms Paint, SS, HB, DD))

[Clubs Deuce had sweat on his hands. He tried to twist the wires together, but they kept slipping away and all he could do was glance at the timer again. 1:33 flashed on the little screen. Deuce tried to knot a couple of the explosives together, but it was too late. He ran from the doorstep of the Felt mansion with barely any time to spare. ]

Why is the timer active while he’s setting the bomb up? Not only does it make no sense, but it’d mean his bombs are easily disabled pieces of crap, since normally messing with the wires while a bomb’s armed means it goes off.

[Diamonds Droog glared at the other three.

“Which one of you is goin’ in to get the dead explosive?” he said, quiet enough to force the crew to listen.]

Why is this a question? They have exactly one member of the group whose job is to deal with explosives. Coincidentally, it’s also his fault anyone needs to go deal with explosives. Why isn’t he just sent in? Why on earth does Boxcars go instead?

[The barrel of Slick’s cueball gun was bloody]

He only gets that from Scratch once everyone else is dead. He’s got lots of properly themed and colored weapons already.

[but no one had to Midnight Crew walked into the clearing where the flying green cadillac was located and hopped in.
As Clubs Deuce appeared to fiddle with some of its wires, Slick glared down at the paint.
“Are we ever gonna paint this thing black?”]

I think you’ve crushed two sentences together, since “no one had to Midnight Crew walked into” doesn’t make the slightest sense. And as a related issue, if the Midnight Crew is walking to a cadillac and hopping in, then “its wires” would be the cadillac’s, but given the thing is currently flying and therefore already running, there’s no clear reason why he should be.

Anyway, this appears like it’s the first chapter of a longer story, but there really isn’t any plot as such – for some reason, Deuce is fumbling with a bomb and then it doesn’t go off and then Slick darts in and comes back out and then they get in a car. You seem to have something in mind with the opening involving seeing Ms Paint and then saying you’re rewinding to show how that happened, but then nothing that comes after actually lines up with that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9862404/4/Scarred (Dave, Jake (Dirk, Jade))

[Dirk and Jake were smart enough to know they needed to split up. Dirk and Dave stayed in the apartment while Jake and Jade went to another safe house on the other side of town.

The next 11 years had passed by uneventful with no sign of the Crew.]

This bit sums up pretty much all your problems. They’re in the mob, a rival mob has decided to wipe out their family, and their brilliant plan is for half of them to move all the way to the other side of the exact same town? And then it works for over a decade?

This doesn’t make sense. None of it makes sense. You’re just throwing the first thing to enter your head onto a page and then rushing to the next thing to repeat the process. Stop, think about what you’re writing, maybe do some research (and check grammar rules while you’re there, because your basic mechanics are pretty poor too).




MOC (BQ, JN, HB)
DD, CD, Kankri, Karkat, Crowbar, Stitch, Dave, Sollux, Tavros (Stabdads)
Calliope (Caliborn, Snowman, Slick, Ms Paint, Doc Scratch, Roxy, Dirk)
Dave (Rose, Slick, Ms Paint, MOC)
Jade (John, Jane, Jake)
CD (Ms Paint, SS, HB, DD)
Dave, Jake (Dirk, Jade)

I did not do my double-checking for missed stories yet, but it’s late and that’s time-consuming and what really matters is I won!

I realize I also forgot to warn tell you what Christmas month would involve. It’ll involve someone else doing the work! I’ll complete X and then only pop in to do important things like finish bitching about Korra.