Few, but I need to be up early.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8914794/1/Nuzlocke-Geas-Blue-Storm
[The howling winds of the blackened sky almost felt like a dark omen of dreadful times. ]
Why would they be an omen when they are themselves the bad thing? Hurricanes aren’t ominous. They’re the thing other things omen about.
Also, why was your character screwing around outside when he knew there was a storm coming in the first place?
[ The city was so close! He was almost there… miles did not even need to be used to measure his distance. He was almost at the safe house. ]
How can he tell? Pelting rain is not known for improving one’s directional sense.
[Swirls of wind kicked up mud and the land looked like picturesque darkness ]
How is he seeing this over the driving wind that’s currently filling the air with mud?
[ As he tried to stand, a tree fell nearby him: it made no sound, only its tiny tremor ]
Trees don’t fall silently. In order to fall, either the lower part of the tree that’s holding it up has to break, or the roots have to rip loose from the soil, breaking in the process. He may not be able to hear it in particular over all the other noise, but instead you’re writing this like he’s surrounded by dead silence.
[This was nature at its cruelest. ]
From the sounds of it, so far he hasn’t so much as been hit in the face with a branch, so this is pretty over the top.
And now mystery pokemon appears.
Five paragraphs is the size of the opening to a chapter, not a chapter itself. This really should not have been posted individually.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8914794/2/Nuzlocke-Geas-Blue-Storm
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[though his body was not mangled, with barely a scratch on it, he was caked head to toe in brown, drying mud. ]
If he’s covered in mud think enough to cake, how could anyone tell he wasn’t horribly injured underneath that?
[Everything he wore was currently of an indiscernible color save for that of wet dirt. ]
That’s a mess. What you seem to be trying to say was the color couldn’t be discerned because of the dirt. What you instead said was Oak sees several colors but can only discern one.
[he noticed the child’s chest heave up and down, slowly yet not erratically. ]
“But”, not “yet”. “Yet” makes it sound like breathing slowly would normally involve also breathing erratically.
[The most imperative course of action ]
That is ridiculous. Just say “the best” instead of trying too hard.
Also no, grabbing him to drag him inside isn’t the first thing someone would do, the first thing is to see he’s not injured. If he’s got broken bones, for example, he has to be moved carefully.
[seemingly superlative strength. ]
Seriously trying way too hard. Also, no, that description doesn’t make sense when it’s done nothing but appear. Just say it’s muscular.
…and now the kid’s being balanced on a tauros’ head because that’s sure a great idea to do when for all they know his neck is broken.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[ His gait seemed strong for a man with hair so grey, (not that naturally grey haired children didn’t exist,) ]
THEN JUST CALL HIM OLD IF IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE TO THINK THAT GREY = OLD.
God, your writing is awful. You’re trying way too hard and you don’t have a clue what you’re doing beyond sounding as pretentious as you can manage. Next time focus on being clear instead.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8914825/1/the-pokerus-of-our-world-p1-the-first-year
Terrible. Try harder.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8914845/1/A-Different-Kind-of-Hero
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[ I’ve been pretty neglected and underprivileged my whole life. ]
Having a parent leave you alone at times is not really the same thing as being underprivileged.
[Suddenly, I realized something. I wouldn’t have anyone to fall back on! No one to question me or my methods. ]
So this will have minimal rivals? That’s nice.
[It bounced around my feet and snorted. It seemed like a Pokémon who didn’t do much thinking and was a bit too peppy ]
Bianca does plenty of thinking, and she’s also got the worst homelife of the three.
Also, having her pick her pokemon to deliberately avoid the ones that fit with the other two is incredibly contrived. If you want to distribute the starters like this, just say the other two already received a pokemon – it’s far more reasonable for someone to pick a starter that’s like them than for someone else to avoid picking it for that reason.
And eh, that turned pretty plotless. I assume you have some real plot to this? There’s really no point in stuff like her falling in mud then quickly cleaning off and it not mattered, and you’re writing everything in summary form, which just makes it duller. Changing things so she’s no longer close to the other two is nice, but otherwise you’re just writing the same thing as every other OT does for an opening.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8914948/1/Homeland-Under-Siege
Raindrops is one word.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Each of them would occasionally check behind them anyway, just to be sure they were not followed as they reached their destination. One that each of them – four to be exact – shared as they tried to reach it from different points of the city. ]
Your story is really overwritten. You seem to be trying to stuff too much information into a given sentence, and the result is annoying to follow. You don’t need to specify being followed to a destination, it kind of goes without saying, and “as they reached” makes it sound like they’re only checking right when they get there. The second sentence, which is barely a sentence anyway, is just a complete mess and should just say they’re all heading to the same place and be done with it.
[“The city appears so stoic in this downpour.” One of the four examined as he stopped to view himself in the reflection of a closed store window. ]
Is “examined” supposed to be describing what he just said? Because that’s not at all what the verb means.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
…it just keeps going like this. Your sentences are frustrating and disjointed, making this incredibly annoying to try to follow. Pay more attention to what you’re actually saying rather than how inventively you can say it.
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8915718/1/Plans-and-Reveries
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[ unaware of the moral conflictions upon which he acted ]
This is word salad. I can’t tell if you mean something else by “confliction” (contradiction?) or if it’s your sentence structure that’s messed up. “Upon which” certainly looks suspect. Anyway, as far as I can tell you’re saying he’s oblivious to the reason he’s acting or else he’s acting while oblivious to the fact it’s inconsistent, unless you’re just having her saying he’s morally wrong. The last one’s really the only one that fits well with the situation.
[Damn you, show emotion! I’m scary! Zekrom’s terrifying! Do something other than STARE. She thought. ]
Why, when he’s got the same thing on his side and also spent a third of the game trying to get her to produce Zekrom anyway? I mean, if she wants him to show excitement or something that’s fine, but why should he be afraid?
…so, for some reason when her dragon uses a fusion attack that’s not too effective against a dragon, it does major damage and another hit will knock his out, but when N’s dragon does the same, her dragon doesn’t have a scratch because…plot, I guess? Pretty unimpressive way of winning for a supposed hero.
And now she’s trying to run away from the new people, because being able to effortlessly beat the counterpart legendary dragon and prove herself the true hero is one thing, but things that can’t shoot elemental death out of their mouths threatening her apparently is totally different? Look, if you want the ninjas to take her out, have them take her out immediately, rather than announcing what they’re doing and arguing about it. Hell, have them do something cheaty to actually interfere with the battle, like sending another pokemon to attack Zekrom before it can use the move. Here, she’s getting taken out just because for some reason she stopped battling when humans showed up to talk instead.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8915718/2/Plans-and-Reveries
[ Her skin seized itself into goose-bumps, unwelcoming to the freezing touch. ]
The goosebumps (one word!) make the freezing touch feel unwelcome? Pay attention to what you’re writing.
[ The petite female trainer ]
She’s not unusually small.
I’m glad she’s not just sitting there, but her rebellion isn’t too impressive either. Her speech would have meant more if she’d done it immediately, instead of after proving she can’t do anything to mess with the room, and also she’s such a quitter. If she can’t pull the lightbulb out, then smash it. (And then she’d be able to see the other person, you know.) If the cot bounces off the mirror the first time, then try again.
[orated authoritatively]
Also just, no. Pick one word and use that one – I’d go with the second, personally, since orate doesn’t even seem a good fit here.
[“One last question.”
“Ask.”
“Am I in the hands of friends or foes?”]
Also I can’t believe she’s dumb enough to need to ask that. No, your friends stuck you in a locked room, took your pokemon, won’t tell you anything and refuse to let you out until several days have passed.
And now she’s just sitting and being sad instead of going back to trying to find a way out. Maybe she should try summoning her legendary dragon of legend, given she’s apparently the hero and she made it appear once. Or just realize that if you hit something enough it’ll break and go back to trying to smash down the mirror.
And now she’s apparently flashbacking in her dream, where she managed to meet N as a child because that’s not unnecessary and cliché or anything. I really hope it’s just a dream, but everything about it is set up like a flashback.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8915718/4/Plans-and-Reveries
[ Baroque style paintings hung in heavy golden frames, the figures they depicted almost seemed to move and twist; their eyes boring into her soul. ]
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[She pushed her wait against them, and to her dismay they revealed themselves to be locked. Touko slumped to the floor, crestfallen. The hope that was slowly blossoming in her chest was dashed upon the cold stones on which she sat. Utterly frustrated, she screamed, the noise bouncing around the enclosed space and echoing long after it was uttered. ]
You mean “weight”. Also god you’re writing her as such an idiot. They took her pokemon but she doesn’t think to search for them, just try to escape, and when one set of doors is locked, she yells to remind them that she’s there and looking for a way out?
[“What the hell was that?” She shouted.
“I was tiring you out.” He replied simply. His answer caught her off-guard, causing her to blink a few times before she could respond.
“Tire me out?”
“Yes. So you wouldn’t hit me.”]
N is delightful, though.
[ as father put it. ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
[The frustrations dealing with her green-haired opponent that she had carried throughout her journey bubbled from her mouth. She glared at him darkly, but his face made her hatred falter. It was twisted in pain, his eyes tightly shut in denial, his arms shaking.
You hurt somebody.
These words echoed in her mind. She ran out of the hall, swinging the door loudly and causing it to thud dully as it hit the wall. She flew up the stairs until she couldn’t run anymore. When her body gave up, her mind followed. Hot tears ran down the brunette’s face as she raked her nails over her skin, wishing desperately she could tear herself to pieces and disappear. The thought she had tried to keep at the back of her mind the past couple of days pushed itself to the front. It filled her mind and berated her as she tore at her hair, attempting to compel it to end.]
Holy shit that is messed up.
N is in the wrong. She has just been kidnapped and is now trapped and he’s refusing to help her. She is rightly yelling at him for blindly obeying his evil father, but that makes him sad so she’s clawing herself up, tearing out her hair and wishing she could kill herself, because what do her feelings matter? The boy who’s wrong and hurting her because of it is sad now! She’s such a bitch!
Oh wait I see I don’t need to bother saying that, because you actually do.
[I’m angry, I’m cruel. The little girl who was filled with compassion and kindness and lived in Nuvema with her best friends died a long time ago. A bitter bitch took her place. ]
Christ.
And that’s why Madoka is a good anime for girls.
Four.