10/03/12-10/07/12

Wavelength (MOC (MOC))

Mm, there’s really no suggestion that carapaces do things like choosing to quit one job to get another. They seem to have preset roles and to generally be very happy to do them. (Also, the Skaia battlefield is a meatgrinder, I don’t think there’s a lot of personal glory and heroism attached to it, even if they view it very positively as a whole.) They also don’t have names but go by descriptions – Jack is the exception.

[What is it with those stupid Prospitians anyway? They just don’t get what we Dersites are trying to accomplish. They just assume we’re the bad guys and that we need to be fought for what they think is good. They don’t get it. Do they ever stop for a moment to think about how right our king is? About how we’re in our right minds? How we have something we’re actually fighting for here? Nope. ]

It would be nice if you actually explained what they’re trying to do instead of talking around it.

The fun thing about Derse and Prospit is that they’re not just a regular army setting. They’re nameless clones designed to perform various functions as tiny cogs in a big machine, but with capable of emotions and hopes and other human things and able to develop far beyond their starting point.

Or, to put it another way, if your character likes his job and it’s the center of his life, but has never really thought about what it means, then starting to chat with a Prospitian on the other end would be a lot more interesting a development than if your character doesn’t give a damn about his job and has a perfectly normal life with normal relationships outside of work.

This likely gets back to what the point is to a given person. I like aliens, so I’m here for things not looking exactly like human society. Other people seem to get into the carapaces because they offer alternate settings to write about, but… if you’re using the carapaces as an excuse to write in some realistic setting, and your characters are OCs, then why not skip the Homestuck bit and just write regular fiction?It’s not like two sides being at war is unique to the comic.

Dark Melody (Slick (Snowman))

[dis spell]

Dispel. You have a lot of problems like this. If you’re having trouble with grammar, find someone to beta read.

[ his white colored mouth]

Slick doesn’t have a white colored mouth, he has white teeth, like most things.

[His white eyes fell on a piece of paper tacked to the wall. An old doodle he’d drawn on one of the many citations he had to file in his past job back on the home planet of the black colored living chess pieces.]

It seems really hard to believe he’d have carried his random citation doodles with him through his whole exile, and also, why would he be thinking of his species as “black colored living chess pieces”? That’s really awkward.

[He was tired of killing them and then seeing them alive again the next day.]

No, he isn’t. If the Felt kept coming back to life, he wouldn’t have been crossing off the dead ones.

[Suddenly she grinned at him and pointing at him then downward, making him look down at himself…
He snarled and moved away from the window, caught with his pants down. Why did she have to be the one to see him like that?]

Well, that seems in order.

[ “All right, you she-witch!”]

She-witch is at once a really stupid thing to say and a transparent one. Just say bitch.

[you sneaky little waif]

She’s not a waif. I get the impression you’re really fumbling around for G-rated insults here.

Okay, I really can’t see why Snowman shoots his window, then wanders around while he follows her, then leads him into some building, then locks him in a closet, all before chloroforming him. She could have just teleported into his room and done that from the start, right? And even if she wanted to see if he’d try to chase her, as soon as he came out to do that she should have been satisfied and moved on to knocking him out.

The idea the Felt respawn endlessly is really entrenched in fanon, isn’t it? I appreciate its usefulness, but that’s not the same thing as it actually being canon.

Dark Melody Ch2 (Slick (Snowman))

Your grammar here is even worse.

[snowman herself, in her three in the morning dress]

The dress being called that in the main comic is a reference to Snowman, not a real name for it.

[“Not as smart as I thought you were,” she said, turning away from him. She faced the full length mirror on the back of the door, watching his reflection as she took off her hat. “I figured you of all people would be too smart to fall for such an old trick.”]

I’m not really convinced she’d think he was smart in the first place.

[you slut]

Slick’s insults are pretty consistently based around what features he dislikes. He dislikes her ordering him around, so he calls her a huge bitch. He dislikes Karkat’s crying, so he calls him a pansy. He doesn’t seem to be particularly concerned with how much sex anyone has, though.

[“Your comrades won’t find you because I covered my trail well and left them a little “clue” on your whereabouts that will lead them in circles should they decide to come looking for you.” she leaned against the wall. “Of course that clue is fake but it’s written in the way you would say things so they won’t know it’s fake.]

This seems really convoluted and uncertain when Snowman has easy access to timetravel.

Snowman seems rather temperamental here. Her mood changes rapidly and there doesn’t seem to be much clear reason. I was considering if it’s just to freak Slick out, but it seems to be in response to him, so it’s more like he’s just really good at setting her off. In canon she seems a lot more in control of herself.

This is shaping up to be insane bitch Snowman.

Dark Melody Ch3 (Slick (Snowman))

[She slapped him across the face cutting off the response before he could finish. “Don’t question my intelligence,” she growled. “overthrowing me will never happen, ring or no ring.”
He held his cheek, biting his lip to keep himself from commenting about that. His optics fell on the gold ring on her finger. For now it didn’t have much power because the players of the ‘game” wouldn’t be old enough to enter it for a few more years. Even so it still had power and was to be feared along with its wearer. Did she actually think he planned on taking her ring from her?
Fat chance of that. The very idea was stupid. Keep your filthy ring, I don’t want anything that belongs to you!]

Wow no.

Jack being powerhungry is a feature of his character. If anything, the Black Queen is too trusting of him, failing to realize that he’s plotting against her, not paranoid he’ll betray her when he’s totally innocent.

[Not only was she a selfish, vain, sadistic witch she was also paranoid.]

She’s not paranoid. She’s not even particularly vain – we’re told that at the same time as the narration lists every single disfigurement she’d be willing to accept for the sake of her task, which in turn means she’s not selfish either, unless “performing her role” is selfish.

Look, we have a relatively good idea of why Jack hates her in canon: she’s in the way of him getting more power, she uses the power she has to order him around, he happens to particularly dislike what those orders involve (ie, wearing stupid hats). From the way he behaves, he may also think her way of running the war is stupid – but certainly not in the paranoid sense, because his objection would be not going out right now to kill their enemies. Just have her be someone who doesn’t respect Jack in the least and you’re good, without adding in a bunch of other traits that don’t fit.

[He grabbed her hand, trying to pull it off his neck. She tightened her grip on it, shoving him back against the wall angrily and grabbing the knife away from him when he attempted to stab her with it. Not to kill, just to defend himself.]

Jack is a violent murderer. You really shouldn’t be concerning yourself with explaining how he was just forced to pull a knife and didn’t really mean anything but protecting himself.

Stop saying “the female” over and over. It sounds idiotic. Use her name or a pronoun or the actual term he uses for her – if you’re too scared to write out “bitch” you really shouldn’t be writing a story involving someone being violently beaten and raped.

[He sneered. Snowman would never look good, no matter how much make up she put on. She’ll always be a cow.]

Really doesn’t make sense for him to be thinking that and seems like a cheap narrative shot at her.

Dark Melody Ch4 (Slick (Snowman, Cans))

[“Like I said before,” she responded, matter of factly, “the only way you’re getting out of here is if I let you and I don’t intend to do so anytime soon, if at all.”

That’s what she thought. If he could free himself things would be a lot different. She wouldn’t be so cocky right now, in fact she’d have a knife buried deep in her stomach…]

This is nonsense. She says he’s stuck until she lets him go, and then he says that if he was free she’d be wrong about that?

[“If you keep this up you’re going to go black for her,” he went on.]

That’s not really how blackrom seems to work. You seem to be treating it like it’s some sort of psychotic break Jack’s being pushed toward. But from the trolls, platonic hate overrides romantic – or in other words, pushing harder just cements the other party’s noninterest. And otherwise, if it’s a normal form of romance, it should be seen as such, rather than something you can be forced into against your will.

[“Get your filthy claws off me, you vile waif!” he shot back, turning slightly to kicked her off of him.
She snarled, grabbing onto his arms again and yanking hard enough to make him yelp in pain. “Do that again and I’ll shove this knife into your spine!”]

Your Snowman seems like a mentally unstable child. She’s constantly overreacting to everything he does, she’s shouting all sorts of threats that she either knows she won’t follow through on or she’s so out of control that she actually does mean to do things she’ll regret a second later, and she doesn’t seem to have any idea what she actually wants.

[“Yur gonna get in soo much trouble is the Big Boss finds out you got the little mobster fur a playthang,” Cans informed the only female Felt member as she stood before him with her hands on her hips.]

First, don’t write out accents. Second, why would this really be a problem? She’s removed Slick from causing any problems for them. Third, this doesn’t fit with what we see in canon from her very first appearance – she walks in, screwing up both side’s firefight, stabs Slick, then walks out. Clearly, she’s not required to even make an effort at killing Slick, and by appearances she’s able to do whatever she feels like with him.

[She shook her head. “Jack, Jack, Jack.” she said in exasperation motherlike tone. “What am I going to do with you?”]

Actually the really obvious answer would be to just keep him in a room that doesn’t have a door. Again, she can teleport. If it’s really important to you that Slick still have the opportunity for escape, she can keep him in a room with a locked door and just never unlock it for him.

Dark Melody Ch5 (Slick (Snowman, DD))

[ “What do you think you’re doing?” he demanded, spinning around to face the female.
Snowman, unfazed, took a drag on her cigarette before saying. “I was trying to get your arms back into place or would you rather they hang at your sides like limp spaghetti?”]

Slick might not, but I don’t see why she has a problem with it, especially when he’s just tried to escape and this will prevent another attempt. Even assuming she wants him in relatively good condition, she should still leave him like that for a little while just on principle.

Also I really doubt Jack lived in fear of damaging things. He certainly wasn’t concerned when he had an excuse to ruin his hat. If he cracked a piano key, they could just fix it.

Dark Melody Ch6 (Slick, DD (Snowman, CD))

[“Slick, do I have to gag you?” she asked, sounding irritated. So much for this kidnapping being any fun, Spades was just making her more annoyed and his yelling wasn’t helping either.]

Considering he’s acting exactly like he usually is, if she doesn’t like that why kidnap him?

[The hyper kid answered on the first ring.]

Deuce isn’t a kid.

[Was Deuce spouting internet meme’s again?]

They don’t have those.

[Droog looked back at the note again. It really did look like Slick’s handwriting but he couldn’t help thinking about what Clubs had claimed. Could someone who knew Spades very well have copied his dictation down to a science? But who and why?
If it really was fake Droog intended to find out the truth.]

So he has absolutely no reason to mistrust it, but he’s going to anyway?

Look, if you want uncertainty here, the easier option is that Slick disappears without warning now and then, so the Crew is used to it, and Snowman knows this as well. Much simpler than her forging a perfect note which Droog still ends up suspecting.

Dark Melody Ch7 (Slick, DD (Snowman))

[The bar keeper, a fat lady with a big bust and the voice of a six pack a day smoker stood over him. She looked to be about a thousand years old. If he’d had any desire for one night stands today that temptation died the moment he set eyes on her. He just hoped this beached whale wouldn’t try hitting on him. ]

Well that was an unexpected burst of misogyny.

Here we dip all the way into romance novel stuff where Snowman starts molesting him and he’s all conflicted because he’s enjoying it but doesn’t want to. It’s playing out the same way it does with the usual genders – Slick’s getting more hits in but that’s probably due to his preexisting characterization. So that’s interesting, although not very because it’s seriously the standard romance novel, no twists.

Dark Melody Ch8 (Slick, DD, Snowman)

[Somehow during their playful hatred they’d wound up moving onto the bed. Spades Slick didn’t even remember when or how it happened, but it did. That wasn’t to say he would have protested. It just gave him another chance to hurt her while enjoying himself in more ways than one, not that she wasn’t doing this for the same reason.]

Why is Slick suddenly okay with this?

[She sighed, remembering all of the times he’d fallen asleep in her arms. He’d never admit it to anyone even himself but he enjoyed this sort of thing, even on Derse, though even then he’d denied it and did his best to avoid it.]

If this is what their relationship was like back on Derse, the last seven chapters don’t really make sense – he’s been consistently rejecting the idea of any relationship with her and it seemed like she’d been spending all her time tormenting him and trying to get him to reciprocate the way she wanted without previously having any luck. It seems like you’re presenting this as if Slick’s an unreliable narrator here, but he’s really not that complex and he’s been very consistently disgusted and trying to get away from her rather than showing any sexual interest.

[The biggest question now was had she hit her target or had she missed?]

Not really. The biggest question is if Droog can be sure Snowman’s involvement actually means Slick was kidnapped. Normally, that’d be clear, but if we go with what you just said about Slick being interested in her but just not admitting it, then Droog would presumably know as well. In that case, if Slick disappears with a note saying he’s gone off to do something, don’t ask, that could mean he’s gone off to screw Snowman and doesn’t want to be bugged.

[Finding her was the issue., With her time and space powers it would make it even more complicated. What if Snowman had taken Spades into the past, or worse the future?]

Right, if that’s an option then why not?

[Of course he wouldn’t deny he enjoyed what they’d done but he still remembered it was mostly her doing using her feminine whiles to seduce him and knock down his guard just like she always did. After she’d been exiled he’d promised himself it would never happened again, not matter how darn sexy she was.]

This seems really lazy. The previous chapters have basically had the conflict of Snowman tormenting him and being interested, and Slick just wanting to avoid her. If their relationship works like this, why didn’t she just skip to hatesnogging him instead of kicking him around and being frustrated?

[“You always have enjoyed hurting me or were just looking at something besides that?” she chuckled. “I didn’t know you were such a pervert.”]

This really doesn’t sound like how adults who have sex would be talking about it. Calling someone a pervert for either looking at the naked body of the person you had sex with or for leaving marks as is totally normal for your relationship makes no sense, it’s the sort of thing a kid would think.

Dark Melody Ch9 (Slick, DD (Snowman))

[So he was going to do a little more investigating before he headed to the building to spring his boss from the clutches of his kismesis.]

If he thinks they’re kismesises, then he really should be aware it’s just as possible Slick went there to screw her as opposed to her abducting him and still not know if the note was fake or Slick not wanting Droog to barge in while he’s trying to have hatesex.

[To him she was merely a heartless, merciless tyrant as well as the kingdom’s biggest tramp.]

Her having sex with him doesn’t make her a tramp. You really need to think about what you’re saying.

[you filthy little skank]

And again. This just doesn’t make sense as an insult.

Dark Melody Ch10 (Slick, DD, Snowman)

[ “I remember now! There was someone standing outside!”
Now they were getting somewhere. “Male or female?”
“Female!”
“What did she look like?”
“She was black and wore this long trench coat that glowed in the dark.]

See, that’s just such an obvious problem in her plan and there’s no real point. Now, if for whatever reason she really didn’t care about it being easy to figure out she’d been there, this would work okay – although it’s still rather pointless because Droog already can tell from the bullet she was there.

[Black as the void created from a collapsed star in the middle of space.]

A void is empty nothingness. A collapsed star is something – in the case of a black hole, a very concentrated something. Void is the rest of space.

[Probably. Slick was not the type to hold red feelings for anyone, the closet he came was the moirail ship with Diamonds Droog but that wasn’t even romantic, it was just a platonic friendship. ]

Then don’t say they’re moirails, because that’s romantic by definition. Just say they’re friends.

[ Sometimes she missed her husband. At least he’d loved her, even if she didn’t always appreciate it. Slick didn’t, he hated her and she hated him, though sometimes she didn’t feel like she did. Sometimes…
Sometimes she felt as if she loved him.]

If you’re doing stuff like this, you really need to work harder on Snowman’s characterization. Right now, she’s all over the place with little rhyme or reason. Also, you need to show why she’d be interested in him in a positive way at all – so far, even a kismesis relationship is a stretch because she seems to dislike even being around him half the time.

[“Say it.” she pressed.
Finally he grunted it out. “Uncle.”]

This is stupid.

[“No, now stop acting like a child,” he snapped, irritated. “You’re a grown woman for heavens sake, act like it!”]

And now your character is pointing out the problem, although I guess it’s meant to be a criticism of her rather than how you insist on writing her.

[She placed her hand on his chin and made him look up at her. “Since when did you care how I conduct myself?” she asked.
He looked back at her. “Since forever.”
That statement shocked her into silence.]

Considering this is hardly the first time he’s complained about it, I don’t see what the shock is.

Dark Melody Ch11 (Slick, DD (Snowman))

[“Because I just made a huge confession that hurt my pride to even utter,” he snapped.]

What exactly is so terribly hard about saying you don’t like how another person acts?

[Like that pretty little dumber at the local bar…]

What?

Dark Melody Ch12 (Slick, DD (Snowman))

[ “You never gave me a break, you always shoved all your paper work on me; I wasn’t allowed to have a day off or be by myself, you blasted tramp!”
“Don’t give me that bull, Slick,” she said hotly, her own temper beginning to rise to a boil. “You know you didn’t care anyway.”
“Didn’t care?” he exploded, sitting up. “I did too care! Just because you couldn’t keep your legs shut doesn’t mean I wanted to take a break from it to-“]

Ugh. Look, you can’t just throw any negative thing you can say to a woman in and hope it makes sense. Being a controlling boss has nothing to do with being a tramp. “Can’t keep your legs shut” only works as an idiom when men are assumed to want to have sex and the woman’s job is to refuse them.

The Droog sideplot is just getting more and more pointless. He keeps confirming it’s Snowman when he already knows that, and retracing their steps doesn’t matter because we know they’re at the Felt’s mansion.

So in sum, this is that weird sort of thing that’s basically porn with the porn cut out. The first chunk is drawing things out waiting to get to the porn, then the second half is filler between the porn. Probably when the author stops being so skittish that they have Slick saying “heck” they’ll produce something that doesn’t revolve around the part of the story that isn’t there. Or maybe they’ll just improve enough they manage to write some nonpornish content, I don’t know.

Also fuck everyone who ships this when they only like Slick’s character.

MOC (MOC)
Slick, DD, Snowman (Cans, CD)

One of two.

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