Dragon Quill

Okay, mechanics-wise, this is a disaster. You capitalize Heroes when talking in general, then when doing the X of Y format you capitalize the element but not the hero, then you stop capitalizing either one, and also some of the time you’re not capitalizing sentences. You also keep using shouted over and over, which is repetitive, and so on. You really don’t seem to have been trying.

And now you’re introducing all the characters at once, making it likely they’ll blur together, and gave them significant overlap in interests, ensuring it. Look, yes, friends will often share interests, but the point of the Homestuck style introductions is to distinguish the characters from each other.

And now you’ve reached the obligatory chat session, where you’ve picked unreadable quirks for your characters to say boring stuff at each other with.

[Oh my glob. It’s time. For third person mode. For the story to actually progress. Fucking finally. Jesus, remind me to never introduce so many characters at once.]

If it’s so boring and obnoxious you’re ranting in the story about how awful it is, it’s probably a bad enough idea that you just shouldn’t be doing it.

And now you’re still writing characters screwing around, even though there’s no mystery or suspense because this is fanfic and we already know what the game is.

Okay, so, the opening frame of them doing a scratch is somewhat interesting, and the ending bit about oh no cherub/human crossbreed army is…well, hackneyed and over the top, but different. The giant middle? Absolutely awful. When you’re writing a story, you need to have a reason for the scenes in it. Screwing around is okay but has to serve some purpose in the end.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8939412/1/Sleeping-with-the-Enemy (Jade (Jack, Rose))

Your grammar is a disaster and there’s obvious typos everywhere. If you struggle with English, get someone to beta read for you.

Furthermore, you don’t develop this pairing in the least. If you’re going to do an unusual pairing, you need to think about the characters involved. Otherwise, it could be any two people, and there’s no point in picking an unusual one.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8902731/1/Last-Assignment (Equius (Vriska, Nepeta))

Just “mixed Hispanic girl” doesn’t really tell us anything useful about what Nepeta looks like, and there’s no sign race itself is such a huge factor in this setting that it’s the only important information about anyone.

[take her capture]

I believe you mean “captive”.

Okay and now you’re listing everyone else’s races for some reason. And yet no sign of Equius personally being a bigot since his backstory is rescue by black woman who’s married to someone of a different race.

[Twenty-two years and I’ve never seen a hint of love from my father. Vriska was always his little princess. ]

This is a really poor fit for both characters. Vriska’s the one with the poor relationship to her lusus, Equius gets along extremely well with his. I get the sense that you’re trying to distance him from the guy because the guy’s bad, but Equius is all about loyalty to bad things, and that’s only going to be worse if you’re writing a story where he hasn’t met Nepeta yet.

[Vriska was full Italian and had long blond hair. ]

And why on earth would Vriska be blonde? Also, since when are “full” Italians blonde?

[1926 has been a tough year. Prohibition has been in act for six years. ]

Prohibition was great for the mob.

Cats actually don’t drink milk.

[“Two dollars and 79 cents,” the cashier told me. ]

And minor, but 1920s prices were way, way lower than modern ones.

Having her meet him by chance is pretty contrived – if you want something like this, it’d be a lot more reasonable to say he was tailing her already.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8951101/1/Under-New-Management (MOC (FOC, DD))

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Your writing is more generally clunky as well.

[Morning was presented by the outrageously scratchy sound of the Morning Warden’s horn. To anyone else, this would have been the most irritating occurrence. But when your planet orbits far from its only natural light source, Skaia, the side of Derse that is waking has to be told when to rise ]

“Presented” isn’t the right word. “To anyone else” is at best poor writing, because it’s generally best to be telling us what the place is like rather than going off to talk about what other places think, and what follows is just a jumble – the fact it’s a wakeup call doesn’t stop it from being an annoying sound, and then you go on to show people are annoyed, in fact so much they curse and throw things at his head.

Stop capitalizing random words.

[Still wincing from the metal clonk to the head, he tenderly touched his bare carapaced cranium, expecting to feel a crack. Luckily, the impact wasn’t so damaging, as he could only feel the beginning of a tissue bruise on the surface of his black exoskeleton. ]

The general concern with head injuries is a concussion to the brain from the force, not if your skull splits in half.

Sickly-sweet is a bad taste. Chocolate is just sweet or bittersweet.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”

[The only time one would ever see the true ghastly sneer would be when Jack is endorsed in his aggressive sanguinity; something greatly symbolised by the blood-splattered sword sheathed in his chest. ]

You really need to work harder on writing properly and not just stuffing as many cool-sounding words as you can into a sentence.

Well. Your characters are somewhat interesting – the baker is pretty stock, with the Warden even pointing out the cliché of a sweet sweetshop owner. But he’s moderately interesting, in that your narration’s pretty down on Jack but he seems to think the guy’s pretty okay, and I’m curious if that’s due to a general approval of Jack’s policies or just that he hates a lot of people and assumes they’re next on Jack’s list. But god, does your writing ever need to be cleaned up.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8951101/2/Under-New-Management (FOC (DD))

[The Confectionary Cadress watched with surprise as for once, her acclaimed half-brother didn’t go to sit down on the sofa as he always did and pull out a newspaper. ]

The fact Derse and Prospit is populated by clones is sort of a plot point. They may possibly be having kids as well, but we know Jack’s crew has bar codes and it makes sense that all major NPCs would be set.

…and, so he shows up to tell her that Jack’s going to slaughter his way through the place, yet his advice for her is that hey whatever, Jack might recognize you’re a non-aristocrat who just happens to live here for still unexplained reasons. If he doesn’t have time to stick around and make sure Jack remembers, then why have time to show up at all? And why isn’t her just walking away in advance of the massacre an option? That is generally why you tell people in advance of a planned attack.

Really, about the only way you could make this work is if it’s partly her choice – he shows up to tell her, but she doesn’t want to leave her shop to get wrecked by Jack, and asks the Dignitary to stick around to reason with him. It’s more reasonable for him to then refuse because he’s busy, since he was taking the time to tell her something relevant, not coming over to tell her something pointless, the way warning her Jack will show up but giving her no chance to do anything about it is.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8951101/3/Under-New-Management (Jack, FOC)

[The small jewellery glinted with a golden air of peace and prosperity ]

Aside from the face jewelery is both the wrong word and misspelled…it’s a war weapon, it’s really not about peace and it’s only real connection to prosperity is what it can do to Prospitian soldiers.

Really doesn’t make sense to say Jack can mix and match prototypings at will. It’s a major plot point that the other Black Queen can’t do anything about the frog prototyping, after all.

And…wow, that is a lot of words for her just panicking and waiting to die. The bit about wearing the outfit she did back then is a decent idea, but most of the emphasis is being put on how tight a fit it is just makes the whole thing skeevy.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8951101/4/Under-New-Management (FOC (Jack))

[b5 YEARS AGO/b ]

You can’t enter code manually, it just gets half stripped out. Next time, make sure to proofread after uploading for stuff like this.

[She took great pride in her image; CC always thought herself to be a very pretty girl, what-with her smooth round face, neatly set in eye sockets, acute pout and big pearly white eyes. Not forgetting the feathery white lashes, too; as far as CC was concerned they seemed to be able to charm and bewitch anyone that came to buy some cakes.

Or in other words “SHE WAS SUPER PRETTY BUT NOT A SLUT LIKE THOSE OTHERS GIRLS MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH BOYS” and god this fic has really gotten creepy fast.

Knowing she’s pretty is a type of confidence, and viewing flirting as embarrassing and unladylike is really really weird. It’s fine for the character to not be good with words or just plain not interested in flirting, but the blanket condemnation of everyone else is messed up.

[Living on Derse, it was hard to meet a male she’d consider to be ideal; tall, intelligent, strong, be her age, good-looking – have a wonderful smile – good-natured, would respect her, protect her, and never inflict harm on her or threaten her. If the last two points seemed pretty acute, it’s because the Cadress and heard about how some soldiers had treated women on their return from the battlefield. ]

There are plenty of female soldiers on that battlefield.

[Dersites tended to be much more moody and… Sinister, if that wasn’t too much of an over-exaggeration. It was difficult to go around Derse and not meet a male that didn’t send some sort of cold chill down one’s exo-skeleton. ]

Neither AR or WV seem anything like that, and it goes against the whole idea of WV’s rebellion, which requires both sides to be basically decent people embroiled in a stupid war. Making Dersites the evil side full of evil people of which your OC is just a special exception is bad writing and smacks of wanting her to look extra good in comparison.

The harlequin outfits are only after the prototyping, which can’t be five years ago.

[the male ]

Don’t use “male” as a noun.

Write out numbers with letters.

[It was within that blinding second the Cadress saw a Dersite that had a deep-set resentment which the Queen must be fuelling in some way; and upon thinking that, the Cadress wondered if the Black Queen was at all still the beautiful, righteous wonder when she was behind palace doors. ]

Given what a horrible and petty person Jack is, I really don’t think it makes sense for her first assumption to be that clearly he must be upset over something super legitimate.

But then, she seems to have had a personality transplant this chapter to better facilitate her being his love interest – she spends half of it ranting about how all Dersite men are terrible, then the other half making excuses for Jack’s abominable behavior toward her and thinking he’s secretly so nice.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8977670/1/Snowman-Meet-Lord-Noir (Snowman (Jack))

This really doesn’t make much sense. You just have Snowman telling him to be her pet and calling it a deal, no suggestion of what he gets or why he’d go along with it. And you keep talking about ending “redrum” by which I think you mean “redrom” but that doesn’t actually make much more sense in context.

Your grammar is also pretty terrible. Proofread better.