There’s a nuzlocke/hunger games cross today.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7783050/1/Pokemon_The_New_Age

[Red was a legend in and of himself, fighting every trainer and gym leader he could find until he stood champion above everyone. Team Rocket, some odd group of evildoers in Kanto, fell quickly at his experienced hands. ]

I don’t see how that’s enough for a legend or fairy tale. Every region has a champion or more, plenty of places must have groups of evildoers who got taken out by someone.

[Every trainer should aspire to be him, every boy desiring his strength, every girl desiring him.]

There’s really nothing to suggest the pokemon world is this horribly sexist.

[a Lucario ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

I suppose a disinterested/reluctant trainer can be interesting, and your writing is good enough, but this isn’t actually going anywhere. It might be a good opening for the rest of your chapter, but as it is, you don’t give any sign of what’s actually going to happen beyond that, because it’s a pokemon story, I can just assume it’ll end with them a trainer. And I could assume that without anything you wrote here.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7783052/1/Noise

[To an outsider it would have seemed a strange thing indeed. To deem one better than another; how? The woman and her deerling, the old man with his pikachu, the little girl and her garchomp. They all had many hidden things. Things that were unseen, unfelt by any soul but their own.]

This is all way too pretentious. No, an outsider wouldn’t have been confused at all, it’s a contest and they’re completing in visible ways, and the best one is the one that impresses the crowd most.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7783369/1/A_Flaaffys_Only_Wish

[other Pokémon’s ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[We could only run if we wanted to survive. That is what life was like in the city. ]

What, none of them can fight and yet they also don’t have any hiding places for times like this? And why are there so many pokemon if they’re regularly getting slaughtered?

[I stared, bewildered, at the sheer selfishness of the others. They cared more about their own safety than that of their peers. ]

Well, the chapter opens with a hoothoot warning everyone, when it’d have been better to leave them unwarned and hope the hunt’s satisfied by them. And considering from the sound of it the hunt will kill some pokemon regardless, of course they do. It’s one thing when you could help others in the hope everyone will make it through, and another when some are always going to die and it’s just a matter of which.

[I had never such barbaric behavior, even when we had been attacked before.]

Then why is this different? And why wouldn’t they act this way the other times if they’re always terrified?

[worse for wear but otherwise fine ]

Also, your wording throughout this is just weird. He’s damaged but otherwise fine? You really need to pair words that don’t contradict. Either say it’s basically cosmetic singing and he’s otherwise fine, or keep worse for wear which implies real damage and specify that despite it he’s not injured enough to actually stop him.

[I saw genuine worry in his eyes, something that you would not see in the world that I lived. ]

Really? Because you were just making a big deal about how a normal response to a threat, trying to get away without any concern for others, was some huge deal and barbaric and had never been seen before. That really doesn’t sound like a world where no one ever shows genuine worry.

[He turned to the horned dog, furiously glaring at it. ]

How dare carnivores eat!

[“Flaaffy,” I blushed, ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[He looked out towards the vast world as did I, staring in wonder and awe at its immense beauty. I had never left that city and never knew of the outside world. ]

…seriously? Beauty isn’t objective. If you’ve never seen anything but an urban environment, that would be what things were supposed to look like to you. And if the outside world is so awesome, and life in the city sucks so badly, why don’t they venture out at all?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7783474/1/Insert_Name_Here

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

See, the thing with Homestuck is the introductions are interesting because they’re an introduction, so they’re telling us things we don’t already know.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7783677/1/Pokemon_The_Blue_Mews_Tale

[It was a cold night on Mount. Silver as the cold Mew shivered. ]

This is really repetitive.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The Mew was full of dread that this night might be her last since she hadn’t slept decently since the week-long snowstorm started and because of it she could hardly get food the berries from trees and bushes without being attacked by Arcanines and Fearows starved by lack of food and put in a aggresive mood from the cold weather. ]

This is a mess. Proofread better and keep track of your sentences.

[Again the blue Mew shivered she was also being hunted by trainers and poketrapers because of her rare color ]

Trapper is spelled as such. Also, it’s a mew. All colors of fur are rare when no one’s seen one in generations. Are you saying that no one would be after a pink mew?

[All that the Mew wanted was a nice trainer that actually cared and will take care of her ]

Wow, not to be left alone and live her life? If that’s all she wants, why spend her time hiding?

[and slowly transformed into a shiny entie (all the pokemon she turns into are shiny because she is shiny) ]

If she doesn’t want to be caught, why doesn’t she stick to common pokemon in the hopes no one would want a bidoof even if it is shiny? And why doesn’t she go try to find a trainer by doing that?

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

And now you’ve switched to first person. Really, proofread better and get a beta.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7783875/1/Someone_Like_You

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” for speech and makes it look like the thoughts are being spoken out loud.

[Flashback]

Don’t label flashbacks, it should be clear when they’re happening.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7784017/1/I_hate_ghosts

This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7784095/1/The_Hunted

[In Hoenn, your birth will automatically place you in one of two categories.
The “good” one is a Hunter. This spot is reserved for children of Hunters.
The “bad” one is the Hunted. You’ll run for the rest of your life, looking behind your back until you’re caught and killed. That’s what puts you into a third category-any Hunted that is killed is labeled a Victim or, to the Hunters, Prey.]

How would such a nonsensical thing happen? Why wouldn’t it just end up as a war between two groups, instead of one group accepting their lot to be killed by the other? How could this last long enough for a new generation, and what sort of person would deliberately have a kid knowing it would be born into the hunted class? And what about the hunters, don’t they have anything better to do with their time?

[At this point, the Hunted are dwindling, a real rarity. Any that are left are being tracked constantly, being toyed with. It’s cruel, when they finally catch them. Most of the Hunted just lay in silence, waiting to greet Death. Some even give themselves up to the Hunters because life has become so unlivable. ]

Why not just commit suicide?

Also, if the hunters outnumber them so much, how can they even tell who’s who? Why don’t the hunted people just pretend to be kids of hunters instead of hunted people?

[Sasha is probably the youngest Hunted child, a product created from a night of desperate measures and a lucky pregnancy where nobody died. She was quickly left in Ross’s care, her mother afraid and unwilling to take care of a baby. ]

What’s lucky about the pregnancy? Why would people want to have kids that’d be doomed to such a horrible life?

[three of the Hunted live in a little house in Lilycove]

How can that possibly work? Their entire society apparently revolves around one group murdering the other, so how could you get a house if you’re in the murderee group? How could you even have cities and regular houses?

[her Zigzagoon]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

…and they’re all just hanging out in a cottage? No mention of any alarms or traps or anything?

[t’s dirty brown fur ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[That’s odd, he thought, Zigzagoon aren’t native to Lilycove, and since it seems traumatized by Hunters, it must belong to a Hunted… The thought sparked a tiny flame of hope that someone like him was nearby, someone he could take refuge with. ]

…if it’s traumatized by the mention of hunters, to say nothing of how it’s nowhere near its owner, isn’t the most likely thing to assume that a bunch of hunters found its owners, murdered them, and it ran this way?

Your story’s premise does not make any sense, nor does the behavior of people in it.

Is this ripping off some other story?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7784099/1/Vices_and_Virtues

Nonstory chapters are banned.

If you’re writing a story about virtues and vice as your characters, you’re writing a story about OCs.

Spellcheck is not optional.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7784253/1/Our_For_The_Taking

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Eh. This seems like the same as ever other “character is randomly evil” story.

[I have many other Pokémon with me. That rule about only carrying six Pokémon at a time? Who needs it? I play by my own rules.]

This is a show/tell issue. You’re saying that she totally does carry and use more than six at a time, but you have her describing exactly six in great detail as if she has a set team of six. Even just listing fewer pokemon would make it more believable, because it’s too much of a coincidence to say that she uses lots of pokemon instead of following the six rule, but by coincidence she has six primary pokemon.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7784740/1/The_Light_That_Shines

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7784791/1/The_5th_Time_Around_Chapter_1

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7784969/1/Master_of_My_Own_Fate

[At the age of fifteen, teens are forced to pick a companion among three Pokemon: Snivy, Tepig, and Oshawott. Teens are then forced to leave their homes, their safe havens, and travel through treacherous terrains, fight murderous people, and make their way to, and defeat, the Pokemon League to finally be allowed to return home. Those who are strong enough are forever written into history, but those who struggle, are never heard from again. ]

So given the incredible mortality rate, why isn’t the region depopulated by now?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[If the teen is capable of earning eight badges, they have to face off against people, monsters really, known as the Elite Four. The Elite Four contain four inhumanly strong trainers and Pokemon, who were able to make it out of the challenges that every teen is forced to go through. They have been acknowledge as the strongest of the strong, the bravest of the brave, and the deadliest of the living. Once having defeated these monsters, you are faced with the final obstacle: the Champion. The Champion is always changing. Former Champions are written down in history, but have never been seen again. ]

Wait. Let me get this straight.

All kids must defeat the League in order to return home. The League is made up of the strongest of the surviving kids, meaning anyone weaker than the four strongest kids in the region is killed. Then they have to beat the champion, which typically means becoming the new champion, but even if you didn’t mean that and the champion is just picked from random surviving kids, those kids are constantly getting killed and replaced.

How is anyone at all alive?

[Anony White was dreading the time her fifteenth birthday came around. She had already seen enough people forced to leave their homes only to be torn apart as soon as the took their first step onto Route 1. The only person who made it out of view from Nuvema Town was her childhood friend and secret crush, Andrew Black, who had left two weeks before Anony’s birthday. ]

So before him, 100% of the kids in the town died immediately. Unless this is the standard starting point, in which case it’s 100% of the kids in the entire region. Do you see how this doesn’t make any sense?

[“Anony White?” One policeman asked. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[The two men looked at her, and she could tell they were trying hard not to cry, “Of course,” the man that had grabbed her, Bianca’s dad, said. She gave them both a smile and quick hug before entering the lab. ]

If even the enforcers of this hate it, how on earth is it running? Who decided on these rules?

[Alright, so this is what you get when you get someone who had just read the Hunger Games trilogy, ]

Oh good god. Did you miss the part about how the Hunger Games did not take all the children from the districts and only send one back alive each year? If you want your character involved in some distopic miserable death slog, fine. Just don’t make it universal, make it that some kids are picked and she happened to be one of the unlucky ones.

So it seems the book’s inability to do math is not only infectious, but also increases in its virulence. How the fuck can you not see the problem here.