Day 3 Pokemon Reviews (36)

So many stories to do. Hopefully things slow down once people get the late holiday fic out of their system, or else improve.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7700467/1/Isle_of_Champions

If you have a plot where Ash goes to a new place, just start it with him in the new place. We don’t need to know he’s at home in Pallet or see him getting the same bland invite as every other one of these stories. All this is just assumed.

[Professor Oak’s Lab]

Don’t do this. The location of a new scene should be clear from the narration.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You’re relying way too much on dialogue to move your story along. Use more narration and cut out chatter that isn’t necessary.

You really should have just started the story with them on the island meeting the new character. All the rest is filler.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7700486/1/The_Monster_Inside

Eh. It’s a decent idea but the execution here doesn’t work well. The pokemon is saying it has the power to turn on the kid easily, yet it isn’t, and while you’re writing it as if it’s luring the kid in further, it doesn’t have any other plans based around the kid trusting it, it’s just gloating how dumb it is to trust something that’s physically powerful.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7700524/1/A_Deadly_Secret

[Ash Ketchum was lying down on the bed in the cabin that he and his friends, Brock and Misty, were staying in while Ash was competing in the Indigo League at the Indigo Plateau, but was knocked out by his new friend, Richie, after Charizard refused to battle Richie’s Pikachu, Sparky. ]

This is an absolutely terrible first sentence. You should really have split this into two or more separate thoughts.

[“No, thanks.” replied Ash ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[He then went to the alcoholic-drink cabinet, unlocked it, and got a bottle of alcohol that read “Vodka” on the label.]

Why does Nurse Joy’s station have an “alcoholic-drink” cabinet next to the medicine cabinet? Are trainers really that awful to deal with?

[“Goodbye, life. Forever.” said Ash, before popping the handful of pills into his mouth and washing them down with the Vodka.]

Firstly, vodka is a type of alcohol, not a brand name, and so it isn’t capitalized. Next up, ten year old kids don’t wash anything down with vodka, Ash should be choking and sputtering just trying to get the drink down. Third, if he’s just planning to immediately suicide, why did he go through all the trouble of trying to take pills that wouldn’t be noticed?

I will at least grant that while adding alcohol is a really stupid way to suicide, at least it’s an understandable mistake for Ash to make.

[They quickly took Ash to the near-by hospital where they saved him just before he died of a drug overdose.]

Well that was a terrible anticlimax of an ending.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7700598/1/An_Awesome_Holiday_Special

[Its also ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[I she’s snappy. ]

What?

[Well I’m Azelf, obviously, and right now we’re in the Hall of Origin’s Residency Wing. ]

Oh god, it’s more OOC sugar high legendaries. If your story about giant monster gods is indistinguishable from a story about a bunch of dumb high schoolers, your story is bad.

[You want a description of my room? Fine.
Well there’s a window and below that is my A/C, which half the time doesn’t work.
Next to the A/C is my 26 inch LCD TV, which I uses to play movies or video games.
Usually owning people in COD or BF3, I’m just that awesome… ]

No, none of this matters! Don’t tell people about things that don’t matter.

[“Just… just come to the meeting room..,” ]

Never put a comma at the end of other punctuation.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[I teethed, he’s lucky its his birthday… ]

Just get a beta reader, this is abysmal.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7700626/1/Problem

[and Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This really doesn’t feel like fanfic. There’s nothing unique to the characters or world here, it’s just a fairly basic boy moves on from his childhood friends, girl realizes she was in love all along.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7700632/1/Super_Psycho_Love

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7700658/1/Goodbye_Christmas

[“Chu,” Yellow’s little pikachu stared up at her]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Good to see you’re not capitalizing pokemon species, though.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7701030/1/Another_pokespecial_high

Capitalize your title properly.

[Info on main characters- ]

No. If you’re writing properly, this all should be there in the story itself. If you’re not, you have bigger problems than any list of character bios can solve.

[a pokemons ]

A pokemon’s. Apostrophes for possessives.

[ike Growlithes ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[”Children to your classes. In a couple minutes it is time for breakfast.” Boomed the announcer]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7701034/1/Stuck_In_Sinnoh

[“Ah, yes,” nodded the Count.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7701097/1/PocketBall_Z

[“I wonder what goten and dad are gonna teach me today, maybe there gonna help me become a super saiyen?” pan thought has wrapped her tail around her wraist and jumped a blue flame-like aura surronded her and she took to the skies. ]

This is terrible. Get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7701349/1/A_Dream_Fulfilled

[dreams Pokémon shared ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Looks like you’re doing dialogue correctly, which is nice to see.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7701650/1/Keronemon

[Author’s Note: I know this isn’t the best Crossover ever, but I wanted to do a crossover and this sort of just came to me! Thanks for reading, please read and review! This will be in 1st person, so you will only see my point of view because I am making my self one of the Characters. :) I would also like to apologize for the made up names in here for not sounding Canon/real whatsoever. :/ Plus, sorry for the miss-spellings for any names of anything… ]

You must have access to the wider internet in order to be posting on this site. That means you’re completely capable to searching for basic grammar help like the fact you don’t capitalize words like crossover and that myself is one word, as well as completely capable of looking up the proper spelling for the names.

If you’re not willing to put any effort into making this story decent, why should anyone else put the effort into reading it?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7701747/1/The_Way_it_Really_Is

[get a Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Because, you see, that’s what they do. To ‘protect’ you, they cut out all the hard, sad, and bad bits of an adventure, to make you feel as though it’s all one grand, happy time and everyone wins. ]

Except that they know their own kid is going on the same journey, so it’s not protecting them to make sure they don’t know about the problems.

It’s one thing to be overly enthusiastic about parts of it, particularly unavoidable things, but I find it hard to believe they’d lie about stuff that amounts to newbie mistakes. Why not warn the kid about the dangers of running out of food or getting lost so they’ll make sure to be careful?

[Now, this is a choose your own adventure story done Pokémon style. What does this mean? This means that at the end of each chapter, I’ll be asking some questions for you guys to answer. What you guys say determines how this story goes. Pretty cool, huh? ]

Banned on this site, actually. No interactive stories.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7702039/1/Forever_Means_Never

[I wrote this fic to vent out my feelings about, wow – you guessed it, a relationship of mine! ]

Fandom is not your therapist.

Honestly it’s really disappointing, because this is an odd pairing that would be interesting to explore, and you don’t because you’re just using them as proxies for your own drama.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7702427/1/Memory

[a Pokémon.]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is a clever idea and you pulled it off well.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7702479/1/To_Be_With_You

You shouldn’t have a list of character ages. If you’re writing properly, it should be there in the narration and how you write them.

[“I’m so glad you decided to join us here, Dawn. It’s been so long since we’ve seen you.” Brock said.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“Wow Brock you really have bad timing. Besides I’m not even hungry.” Ash’s stomach had a different opinion. “Heh heh, well I guess I really am hungry.” Misty sighed. “Ash…”]

A new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[triumpfully ]

Spellcheck.

[her Dustox ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7702678/1/Truth_behind_the_lost_manor_Pokenormal_activity

[she’d wonder into ]

Wander.

[the Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You really shouldn’t have the summary there at all. If that’s your setup, it should be covered in the story itself.

[on it’s would be forehead ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[in its self ]

Itself, one word.

[“You know, it wasn’t a one sided kiss.” I offered ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[godess]

Spellcheck.

[(AN: did you know that shantuel’s collar is a cat’s head? The brooch in the middle is the cat’s nose. I had to keep up her neko apparel going after I found that out!) ]

Never put author’s notes in your story.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7702851/1/Visiting_Hours

[wild Pokemon]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The raven knows]

Red may have black hair but it’s ridiculous to refer to him as a raven. Use his name, a pronoun or a simple epithet that’s relevant.

As to the content, cute and I liked the way you wrote Green.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7702947/1/Wait_for_the_Outcry

[the Pokeball containing his Dragonite. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[21 year old ]

Write out numbers with letters.

[“What about the Gym hold-up in Celadon last month? Or the bombings in Fuchsia? Or the murder of Professor Oak last year?”
May’s eyes widened. “But he died of a heart attack, didn’t he?”
“Yeah. Yeah, the kind of heart attack that involves a bullet through the chest.”]

You know, by the point Team Rocket can just shoot people and it’s all covered up, there isn’t much a trainer or two can do about it, however powerful their pokemon. A trainer is still a squishy human, after all. What’s stopping anyone from gunning the two down right now?

[“Look, Giovanni may not be a nice guy, but he’s a smart guy. He won’t mess with you for fear of the whole of the Hoenn League coming down on him like a tonne of bricks. They don’t kill people that often ]

But we just established it wouldn’t be murder. And why should he fear the Hoenn League when he’s already got a stranglehold on two regions and the League there can’t even protect their own families?

I’m fond of settings where stuff’s all going to hell, but this seems too much. If it’s still safe enough known opponents of Team Rocket can wander around and get a drink without fear of being attacked, Giovanni can’t be controlling the whole place and having murders covered up as heart attacks.

You seem to be doing dialogue properly, which is nice to see.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7702947/2/Wait_for_the_Outcry

[He gestured around the room. It was a large, expansive, and very empty room, lined with various weapons. “I want to see how well you can fight, Champion May.”
“With swords?” she remarked, eying the weapons that lined the walls.
“Well they’re mostly Koga’s – he takes this ninja stuff quite seriously. But you choose – whatever you want. Just bear in mind that I’m not going to go easy on you.”
“I… uh… what? I don’t really… I don’t really fight.” May muttered, bewildered.
Lance frowned. “You what?”
“Well, I’m a Pokemon master. I fight with Pokemon.”
A muscle twitched in the Dragon Master’s temple. “That’s great, May, but how the hell are you going to look after yourself here if you don’t know how to fight?”]

First off, if that’s a big or the biggest consideration they have, why didn’t they look for someone who knew this kind of thing instead of just recruiting a pokemon champion? Second, she can look after herself quite well using her pokemon – a human with a sword is not going to be able to do much against an enemy pokemon or, for that matter, even another human with a gun. If he thinks it’s important she’s ready for attack, fine, but that should be a matter of being ready with a pokemon, not a different weapon.

[Unfortunately, we are all quite high profile, and Team Rocket is on the alert for any of us entering any of their buildings. ]

So they picked the low profile Hoenn League champion fresh off beating the two enemy teams of her region, and had low profile Lance collect her off the boat and explain how he hates Team Rocket and wants her to help beat them in a bar with a bunch of Team Rocket guys in the corner. Really, this is all just so ridiculous.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7703134/1/The_Kysolo_Journeys

Nonstory chapters are banned.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7703166/1/Diary_of_The_Cruentum_Immortales

[I’m 14 years old ]

Write out numbers with letters.

[I’m a vampire. It all happened 3 months ago, on Halloween night. How cliché. ]

No, cliché refers to something overdone. Becoming a vampire on Halloween night is idiotic, contrived, and absurd, but not cliché.

[a Dark Fairy ]

Don’t capitalize random words.

[little plastic Ariados or Spinarak ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[”The question is not who I am, but what am I” said a deep male voice. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[a harp pain ]

Proofread.

[They where extremely pallid ]

Were. Get a beta reader.

Anyway, this really seems to have little to do with the pokemon universe or Dawn.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7703489/1/Back_On_Track

[Red brushed his blonde hair back with his hands, and smirked, “Can do Techno,” ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7703547/1/9_Hours_left

[Groping the wall sexually as to find a sturdy object to regain her bearings, did she freeze. ]

You really, really need to get a beta reader.

[good 4 to 5 feet away ]

Write out numbers with letters.

[Her hazel green eyes, which were usually vibrant with energy and seemed to be holding a secret within them now look dull and lifeless; as though any life was sucked right out of them along with noticeable dark circles that lined themselves underneath her eyes. ]

This is ridiculously overdramatic writing. Also, you already told us her eye color.

This seems to be a straight copy of the 9 Hours, 9 Persons, 9 Doors game. I don’t see what pokemon has to do with this, especially since you can’t incorporate them in any meaningful way without breaking the wander through doors plot.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

And you shouldn’t be telling us about your character through a bio either. If it matters, it belongs in the story itself, if it doesn’t you shouldn’t spend time on it.

Admittedly, from what I’ve seen this is actually pretty close to the style the games are written in…

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7703559/1/Silent_People

[Red grew into a young toddler, and was just like any average two year old. Except he never spoke. He never made a sound with his voice at all, and now his mother craved for him to atleast try to say Mom. ]

Spellcheck. Also if a kid never made a sound they’d have realized something was wrong when he was still an infant. Kids make noise well before they actually say words.

[“Honestly Miya, I don’t get it. Every book says he should say some sound now” his mother said to her friend. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7703647/1/Goin_Down

[I produced a tasteful glare that I shot at my older brother, shoving his shoulder. He almost fell into the indigo sea, a nearly devastating blow as he was wearing his nice navy blue button up shirt, folded back to his elbows and a pair of black slacks with his leather dress shoes. ]

You’re overloading your sentences with description.

[8 years older ]

Write out numbers with letters.

[I picked at the black dress I was wearing, and glanced at my high heels relaxing in the sunset with the two of us, “Johto deserves its own champion, ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[a Pokemon. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Here it is little sis: If you beat the Silver Cup within one calendar year ]

If you can go from not having a pokemon to beating people who’ve been champions for god knows how long in one year, it kind of undermines the feeling there’s any element of real work involved. I realize this kind of short timeframe is a common issue, but it’s not generally put to plainly and it’s usually portrayed as at least rather unusual, while here she’s acting like this may be a longshot but that it’s entirely doable for a good trainer.

The writing itself here is decent – when you’re not overloading your sentences the details are pretty good and you work in exposition cleanly. The only real problem is the plot itself isn’t very promising – even aside from the issues having her rush through like this raises, kid-becomes-champion has been done to death and doesn’t have many good hooks to it, since it’s just about an impressive but ultimately meaningless accomplishment.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7703647/2/Goin_Down

[Ok]

Okay, four letters.

[and girl with brunette hair ]

Brunette means girl with brown hair.

[I swallowed my eyes’ flood waters ]

This really doesn’t sound like how she’d be thinking.

[He was my best fried ]

You’ve got a lot of errors like that, you need to proofread better.

[I don’t have spell check. ]

Then download one, or download a browser with one, or find a site that does free spellchecking. There’s no lack on the internet of ways to check if you’re misspelled a word.

Anyway, this is still very well written dullness. If you really must include this you at least need to make your chapters longer – you’re now two chapters in and she hasn’t even gotten her pokemon, we’re still waiting for the plot to start.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7703762/1/Crossed

[oscitant ]

What?

Also, you seem to be sticking commas into the middle of all your sentences for no reason.

[her Seel ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[I can’t believe its been so long. ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[Ok! ]

Okay, four letters.

[Mahri and Misty got into their positions at the diametrical sides of the pool, ready for the battle that would change everything. You see, Mahri was one badge away from placing in the Indigo League. She absolutely had to win this. “You’re the only one separating me from the Indigo Plateau.” ]

You’re writing this story in Misty’s POV, so you shouldn’t jump out of it here to tell us this. It’s also redundant because the dialogue then does a better job of explaining the situation.

[Elekid wouldn’t be that effective on Corsola because it was a Water/Rock type pokemon ]

Rock isn’t resistant to electricity.

[Misty started to get worried. What if Mahri really does beat me? At least I would lose my reputation. ]

Why would losing a single battle to a trainer that already beat all the other gym leaders be a big deal?

[Gyrados ]

Gyarados. Check the spelling of pokemon species if you’re not sure of them.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7703859/1/A_Pure_White_Ikarimas

[Satoshi, Hikari, and Takeshi had camped in a forest near Tobari City (Veilstone City). They would’ve been able to ask Reiji (Reggie) and Shinji (Paul) ]

If you’re going to do this just use the English names in the first place.

[“Well, it was Christmas Eve, and we thought we might be interfering a bit,” Takeshi nervously laughed. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[a male Yukinooh (Abomasnow) ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7704068/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_The_Power_Within

Nonstory chapters are banned.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7704464/1/The_Bosss_Right_Hand

[It wasn’t as if he didn’t believe in holy-beings at all nor did he believe in hell, he just didn’t know why they were so idolized. ]

Think you’ve got too many negatives there, surely you mean he does believe in hell?

[He didn’t really hate the gods, but he passionately hated the task that the gods forced upon the people around him. The dirty work. Not even the man who resided in hell could do this everyday.
And that was to kill. Kill the unneeded. Kill the wasted. Kill the useless. Kill anyone. Ultimately, someone needed to regulate the populations, the masses.]

…what?

This whole thing feels like an incomplete thought. You don’t really establish why any of this is happening, and the characters only exist as an extension to it. None of it’s really developed into something you can hang a story on.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7704567/1/Aiming_For_The_Top

[you were the number one in the world!” He shouted. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Lyra POV]

Don’t jump POV like this. Look at how books do it, they switch naturally based on the scene.

[ok ]

Okay, four letters.

[30 Minutes ]

Write out numbers with letters and “minutes” shouldn’t be capitalized.

Also this seems to have turned into just rehashing the opening of the game.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7704844/1/Beautiful_Victory

[an Eevee cam ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

And it should be “came”. Proofread.

[Your only six ]

Your” is possessive, as in, your story, “you’re” means “you are”.

Your character seems quite sueish – special name, pet eevee, abusive father, mother dying a tragic and somewhat ridiculous death by thrown glass shard at age six, then apparently she runs away into the forest. You need to dial it way, way back.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7704844/2/Beautiful_Victory

And apparently that wasn’t tragic enough, so she goes back to get abused more.

[Because on the inside I was broken. Though everyone seemed to notice my socialiteness, no one seemed to notice how I never put much trust in anyone. No one saw the way I was reserved. No, because they were too busy talking about themselves to notice I never said a word about me.
I put faith in only myself. I’m the rock that I stand on, the backbone that keeps me standing. All I need is myself. I can’t even count on Eevee because I couldn’t bear if my father did something to her.
Even when I’m friends with everyone, I stand alone because when you’re being abused by the one you love, you can’t stand any other way. If you try you’ll collapse, never to stand again.]

You’re pushing so hard to make this incredibly tragic and awful that I can’t take any of it seriously. Really. Dial it back and have less self-pitying narration.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7704868/1/Pokemorphs_Amaterasu

[Prolouge ]

Spellcheck.

[But, you saved Dre, so you get the credit.” She said ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

A prologue doesn’t mean random snippets from the rest of the story. Look up words if you’re not sure of their meaning.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7704868/2/Pokemorphs_Amaterasu

This is unreadable. Learn proper formatting.

3 Comments

  1. Maimh says:

    “Groping the wall sexually”
    How do you even do that?.
    And unrelated, I am  reminded of that LOTR parody where the WitchKing was turned into a wall, and tried to hit on everyone.

  2. Ember says:

    Why is alcohol + pills a bad idea for suicide?

    Oh my God is that a fucking 999 crossover?  Jesus Christ, it IS.  D:  You know, I kept seeing reviews for the game gushing about how it had THE BEST PLOT OF ANY VIDEO GAME EVER and now I’m wondering whether they were all written by people who had only ever played Pokémon games before.  That would make so much sense.  (Although even then, I would argue that the Mystery Dungeon games have way better stories than 999.)


    And it should be “came”. Proofread.”

    Ahahaha, aw!  I was picturing an eevee with a video camera strapped to her head!

    1. Farla says:

       It’s just making it more likely he’ll throw up the pills before they can do anything, especially since I doubt he has any alcohol tolerance and he downs half the bottle.

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