Day 4 Pokemon Reviews (24)

Arg, already so badly behind.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7704884/1/Strength_and_Weakness

[The Bayleef ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Apple Woods on a tree called an…” he paused as he re-read the term in one of Aroma’s herbology books, “‘Abriko Tree’.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7705010/1/Truth_or_Ideal

[that Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[I guess I just got lucky.” The female trainer replied ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7705016/1/Let_it_die

Capitalize your title properly.

[Start of flashback]

Don’t use labels to tell people this sort of thing, it should be clear from context.

Why are there no quotation marks?

[Ya, traffic can get bad sometimes. ]

You mean yeah.

[I felt my hart shatter ]

Heart. Proofread.

[You didn’t even try in are relationship.
What do you mean? I did everything for you. I bought you everything you wanted, even surprise gifts; I even skipped family and school events for you. I even skipped my best friend’s birthday party for you.
Those were all little thing you did for me, and the gifts you bought me were under fifty dollars. I’m way more worth than that.
Those gifts were from my heart. I bought them out of love for you.
Then I guess your love is cheap then.
Stop it I don’t want to hear it anymore!
It’s not my fault you let are relationship die. You let it die!
How? Like I said I did everything for you.
Again, it’s not my fault you didn’t try hard enough.]

Well this is massively OOC.

I have the sense this is someone with issues.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7705125/1/The_Magic_Within

[Na jokes don’t worry I’m not ]

You mean “Nah” and “joking” or “it’s a joke”. Your sentences in general range from poorly constructed to outright errors, you’re lacking punctuation and you have a lot of typos. Learn to proofread and get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7705159/1/Valentines_Day

[At first, it was easy to toss away a few chocolates from the people who didn’t know about his deathly allergy to the stuff, but upon becoming famous, more girls—or “The Red Fan Club” as Blue and Leaf called them—seemed to send him handmade or fancy expensive chocolate as tokens of their love. ]

…if he’s so famous and they’re so obsessed with him, why doesn’t he just say he’s allergic to the stuff?

[the Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Goodness gracious…” Was all Red’s mom could say ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Anyway. This is sort of cute, but it feels like it could be about any character and it relies on people holding idiot balls and not just explaining things, then overreacting.

For example, it’d make more sense for her to be up-front about knowing chocolate made him sick, and say she still wanted to give everyone else some while pretending she isn’t planning on giving him something so it’d be a surprise. And he has to be less ridiculously over the top in his jealousy or else she, like anyone, would realize it’s better to just be up front about it.

Also, why not just give him a white chocolate heart instead of going for hypoallergenic chocolate? That was really what I was expecting. It even lets you keep your ending, given that a “chocolate allergy” is almost never to the actual cocoa.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7705187/1/Sharp_Dressed_Man

[Dude, just be yourself!” The blond furiously yelled ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7705252/1/Chemicals_React

Songfic is banned.

[“Shū means autumn and spring is Haru. Which means we’re opposites”, May giggled at the fact.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[(A.N. I live in Australia and fall is called autumn for those why don’t know)]

Never put an a/n in the middle of your story.

[Drew’s Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7705686/1/The_Story_of_Us

[P.S. This is JUST A PROLOGUE. Note that: I was very very lazy when I wrote it and it might NOT make any sense. But this is how they met and well, laziness got the best of me~ ]

No. If your writing isn’t good, rewrite it later.

[The dark blue haired beauty glared daggers at the lad currently on top of her, he had fallen on top of her; the two had ended up in very awkward positions after that painful collision between the two as the boy had been blindly skateboarding in quick speed and had accidentally ran onto her sending him off his skateboard and landing on top of her. ]

This sentence is a terrible jumble. Split it up into coherent thoughts.

[“Well?” The female snapped]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

And stop abusing epithets. Use names and pronouns, and don’t ever refer to someone as “the female”.

Also, this really seems more like original fiction.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7705692/1/Pokemon_Splice

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[When Pokemon population shrank to dangerous numbers, a few scientists thought out a plan. Using the DNA of the few remaining Pokemon,they created Pokemon/human hybrids. Of course this process wasn’t exactly legal, and the scientists had to do their experiments in a secret facility. They used to get willing participants but now they steal young children, teenagers, and Pokemon from their parents and trainers in the dead of night, using them to experiment on. Due to their being a black market on hybrids they were also used in underground fights to the death. ]

That’s a long string of nonsense. If they can make hybrids why not just clone replacements for the declining pokemon? If it’s illegal and they’re kidnapping random people, where are they getting the funding and how are they getting away with it? And if pokemon are going extinct and scientists are frantically trying to boost the numbers with hybrids, why the fuck would they use them for deathmatches?

[A few years ago, Darren luckily escaped one of the labs but at the expense of his friend’s life. Now, he lives peacefully in the Petalburg Woods with his Slakoth trying to avoid memories of his time in the laboratory. ]

You just said it was illegal, why doesn’t Darren just go tell someone what happened?

Your story hasn’t even begun and already it’s more plot hole than story.

[The bright sun reflected off of the dew covered leaves. The droplets fell upon the heads of the scurrying Wurmple as they slithered into their annual spring hiding places. The Tailow flew into the woods from the east, from their Sootopolis City winter home, and pecked at the Wurmple as they slid into their holes and the Shroomish danced, scattering their pollen upon the grassland floor. Spring had come back to the woods and the Pokemon played with one another as the flowers bloomed around them, making a collage of color. ]

This is longwinded, full of redundancy, has wrong word use and is just generally badly constructed. You’re trying way too hard and it shows. Dial back the floweriness. And think about what you’re writing – you’re talking about this place as being full of life even though supposedly pokemon numbers have plummeted. You can’t just say that and keep writing as if they’re all over the place, you have to actually show it.

Also, it’s taillow, two Ls. Look up the species names.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7705692/2/Pokemon_Splice

[Petalburg City was deserted. What was once a vibrant community was now a ghost town with the houses and businesses were boarded up and their residents were completely gone. Over the years fewer and fewer trainers had come to the city, causing many to move to bigger cities like Slateport, Rustboro, Mauville, and Lilycove city. Corphish and Marill mingled with one another on the shore and climbed houses covered in moss. ]

…again. If you’re saying pokemon are disappearing, you need them to actually be disappearing. It makes no sense for a lack of pokemon to mean few trainers and trainer-centric towns being abandoned only for the abandoned towns to be taken over by pokemon.

And why is it so important he find this one gym leader instead of just looking for a populated area and finding a police officer?

[“Wow…looks like it’s deserted boy.” He said this in a quiet whisper.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7705692/3/Pokemon_Splice

[The old man had been there when the scientists had first emerged and, though he outwardly loathed and spoke out against them, found their experiments interesting. What he found even more interesting was that the boy had some how left the facility from once he came. It was a rare case for a hybrid to escape from the labs. Those that do were either quickly found and exterminated or vanished, never to be found again. ]

This continues to make no sense. Why would he be okay with kidnapping kids and imprisoning them, let alone the fact they’re killed if they get away? Why would escaped hybrids inevitably get found and killed if the labs are illegal and they could just report it to the authorities?

[It was despicable, but they had to do what they had to, for the survival of Pokemon everywhere. ]

[“You are weak and pathetic! You are one of the Chosen Battle Hybrids and yet you lost to a pitiful Seedot? How dare you make a fool out of me!”
The dull throb of the whip slashed at Darren’s shoulder once more and he bit down hard on his lip till blood seeped through his teeth. Tears threatened to escape from his irises and he struggled to hold them in.]

This is just so ridiculous. You’re piling on angst for no reason. Somehow they think the hybrid nonsense will help with whatever unspecificed problem the pokemon are having, therefore whip hybrids who don’t battle well? What the hell. Nothing in this story makes any sense.

Oh, and then it turns out his hybrid friend was told about the fact the lab has a self-destruct button, so the button gets pushed ensuring all the other hybrids in the place die because screw them.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7705719/1/Straitas_Pokemon_Adventure

Starting with a kid waking up to be a trainer is boring and horribly overdone. If you have a plot, start your story there, if you don’t, figure out your plot before you do anything else.

[“Oh, man!”, He mumbled]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[his Ambipom. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[same age as him, Twelve. ]

Seriously, don’t capitalize things that aren’t proper nouns.

Also, trainers start at ten.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[Now that is out of the way which type of Pokemon do you want? Grass, water, or fire.”
“Well…I’m not sure”]

If he’s so desperate to be a trainer he shouldn’t be standing there without any idea of what he wants and needing the professor to walk him through the entire concept like he’s never seen pokemon before.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7705839/1/Melindas_Adventure

This exact thing has been done to death a thousand times over.

[“Great.” I say sarcastically.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[mover’s Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[I reach out and touch the mirror. In it I see a young girl of sixteen. Her hair is raven black and reaches past her shoulders, her eyes are a shocking shade of violet, and her skin is somewhat pale. ]

So she’s a goth sue, in short.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7705847/1/Pkmn_Replaced

You’ve really got to work on your grammar.

[and usher’s you ]

No apostrophe.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[I’m not him, you mutter to yourself continuing on your way. I can be different. Each passing sign isn’t helping your confidence on it though, all of them telling him to ‘come home’ instead of written directions that would of helped you along your way.
Reaching the next city you find more signs but they all feel the same. They all tell you of his accomplishment and his goals. You finally reach the building you’ve been looking for hoping to rest up, and when the woman finishes healing your poor companion and as if she says this to everyone, Please don’t come back again, she tells you with a wide smile on her face.]

This is a clever idea and a lot of the early bits are all very creepy, but it sort of fizzles out at the ending when you try to be profound.

Still sticking it in the C2 because at least it’s interesting.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7705870/1/Pokemon_OverWorld_Digital_Saga

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

This is terrible overall, get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7706038/1/Reason

Drabble = 100 words exactly. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.

[his opponent’s Pokemon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“I watched your match in the Sinnoh League.” The Pyramid King continued as he made his way in front of Paul. ]

That should be a comma and lower-case T there. You seem to be doing dialogue right the rest of the time so I’m not sure what happened here.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7706176/1/Ten_ways_to_get_a_girl

Capitalize your title properly.

Drabble = 100 words exactly. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.

[Gary oak ]

Proofread.

[young Pokemon researcher ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[hoisted a complimentary bad of Poke Food ]

Really, proofread.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7706249/1/Moments_in_Destiny

[pokémon in toe]

You mean tow. Glad to see you’re not capitalizing pokemon, though.

[fallow her ]

Follow.

[the little girls face ]

Girl’s. Your story is full of this, you really need a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7706471/1/The_Perfect_Gift

[During their travel in Unova, a spiky ebony haired boy with his partner Pikachu, the yellow mouse Pokémon.]

is not a complete sentence.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Man it has been a while since I was home. ]

Should be a comma after the first word. You’re missing a lot of commas, actually.

[Ash asked his trustful partner. ]

Pretty sure you mean trusted.

[“Pikachu. “Pikachu said ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7706513/1/Other_Half

Oh god. Don’t center your entire story. Just don’t. It’s infuriating to read.

[She should have been here an hour ago!” He muttered. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[burnette ]

Spellcheck.

[our own Pokemon. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7706518/1/As_Darkness_Falls_Remake

It’s nice to hear that you’re so concerned about rewriting and improving. However, if you want to fix up your writing I’d suggest finding a skilled beta who’s got a strong grasp of writing mechanics to help you out. Your story is mostly fine but it’s still got some errors.

[“Come again in about a week and we will have a pokémon for you.” The professor said. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Trainers start at ten. Also, by sixteen I’d think he’d know enough to do things like call ahead to find out if the professor has a pokemon, as well as not being devastated by the idea of waiting a few more days for a starter.

You also shouldn’t jump between first person POV. If you need multiple POVs, use third person. Third is generally the best for a story anyway.

[I briefly wondered if I could go out and catch a starter for my son myself though I dismissed the idea. The chances of me finding a pokémon he really wanted was slim at best. ]

It’s nice you’re trying to address this plot hole, but it doesn’t make sense. Getting a pokemon doesn’t mean he has to have it with him for the rest of time. If he really didn’t want it, he could keep it just long enough to catch something he did want. I realize that most stories don’t involve this, but if your trainer is going to be an absurdly picky one in the first place it’ll come up anyway.

Plus, she could always just loan him one of her pokemon and have him return it when he’s ready.

[“For those seeking a new adventure come to the mysterious Shinto region. Here many pokémon await your capture with the majority of the island filled with pokémon from regions you may not have been before. Any and all trainers that want a new adventure can get here by boat; just print the special ticket out, online. As an added bonus we even give away starter pokémon for new trainers. The chance to join this region ends at the end of the month of September so hurry on trainers!” ]

And this is just incredibly contrived.

Look, if you want him to go to the new region, have him starting with that and just reference that he did it because he wanted a free starter.

But you should really give it a better description than “mysterious Shinto region” unless the place is actually uninhabited or something.

[But I’ll bare your hatred ]

Bear. Bare is what naked people are.

[The look she had on her face was that look she always wore when she knew victory was in her grasps and the only way for her to lose was for something unexpected happened. ]

It’s “grasp” and “to happen”, but also, you really don’t need to be so elaborate about her expression. Victory being in her grasp covers it, trying to clarify by specifying how victory might still not happen just distracts from your original point.

[“I’m not sure if I can take on the trainers and pokémon that live in there. I’ve never been much of a battler.” Even though she said that though, the look on her face that just made you believe she would try it anyways and sure enough her usual smile came back to her face. “I think we should try it though, I mean what’s the worst that can happen?” ]

It’s nice to see you’re keeping in mind the fact that adults have pokemon and skill of their own.

And the bit about the tower is quite interesting, but it seems forced to be happening right as he’s about leave to be a trainer (plus, someone about to be a trainer should at least know the basics of battling). It would really make more sense to have this be happening on its own and having him decide to leave for another region separately, or perhaps getting the idea he should do so from the dream while he’s unconscious.

Anyway, like I said I really think your best bet is a good beta reader. This story is just rough at a lot of points. You seem like you’re putting in a lot more effort than most people around here, but it’s a lot easier if you have someone pointing out where there’s a problem instead of trying to work it all out as you write.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7706623/1/Shadow_Pokemon_Return_Verion_2

Your title is misspelled.

Don’t open with a list of ages, if you’re writing properly it should be clear from the story.

[After losing in the semifinals of the Sinnoh league, Ash Ketchum has left into solitary training. It has been 3 months had no one has seen or heard from him since. Now Team Rocket has threatened the world with “Shadow Pokemon”. Pokemon whose hearts have been artificially shut and evil.
Giovanni, Leader of team rocket, hopes to lure Ash Ketchum out of hiding. He has captured Ash’s mother Delia Ketchum, His secret crush, Misty Waterflower. Delia was a tall woman with long auburn hair and light brown eyes. Misty had given up her ponytail and grew her red hair to her shoulders. Her eyes were as green as the sea.]

You shouldn’t be opening by explaining everything.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Conversely, Team Rockeet is indeed capitalized.

Misty’s appearance is not so important it belongs in a summary.

The sea isn’t green. If you want an ocean connection, say she had seagreen eyes, ie, the subtype of green that relates to the ocean, instead of saying her eyes were green as the ocean.

[Pokemon card came ]

Game. Proofread.

[off it’s hinges ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[” I don’t like this Eclipse. It was too easy getting here.” the shorter told the taller ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7706760/1/Love_Services

You don’t need an individual chapter for your two lines of disclaimer. Also, “it’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive and “I do own my OCs and the story plot only ” is redundant, either lose the “do” or the “only”.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7706760/2/Love_Services

[Restauramt]

Spellcheck.

[He gestured his hand inside, “Please follow me as I guide you to your table.” ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

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