Definitely improving.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8871053/1/Team-Haze-It-s-Because-of-Fate
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, this is the same opening as all PMD fic. It doesn’t say anything about what’s new about your story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8871053/2/Team-Haze-It-s-Because-of-Fate
It’s really annoying to try to read your story without spaces between paragraphs. There’s a reason that’s the default formatting.
[“Er…well we don’t really eat meat. Seems kind of cannibalistic, you know? We’re pretty similar to animals, if you haven’t noticed. Of course, we’re smarter and better adapted,” replied Devil awkwardly. ]
This sounds really unnatural. If a pokemon woke up as a human and casually asked if there was any human steaks in your fridge, you’d probably have a much stronger reaction than this, which is almost apologetic they don’t eat meat.
[***TIMESKIP***]
This kind of thing should be in the narration, rather than gotten across with a label.
And this is still the same opening as all PMD fic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8871251/1/Model-Student
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[“Did you want, mum?” ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
[“First, you must accompany the first two ladies while on your journey. ]
But aren’t they both older and more experienced? It might make sense for his mom to prefer he travel with more experienced trainers, but from a story perspective, he’s either going to be outclassed and that’s generally not too interesting, or he’ll surpass them despite their headstart, which is sueish. And why would they want to travel with him when all he brings to the table is newbieness? Also, why would they still be there in the area instead of leaving back when they got their pokemon?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8871251/2/Model-Student
[“So, Cathie and Kei. Please meet Alistair. He is the mission I had messaged you both about.”
“Really?” Cathie asks. “What are we doing?”
“You’ll both be teaching him, Kei more so, but you can teach him a bit too, Cathie.” Birch smiles. “That Bulbasaur is his first Pokémon, and he’s pledged to take good care of it as he travels.”
“So we’re taking him to see Hoenn?” Kei suddenly asks.
“Exactly. If you chose to accept, I’ve talked to all of your caretakers and they have allowed you to tour Hoenn, what youngsters call a Pokémon Journey.”]
But why do they want to babysit him on his journey? Why didn’t either of them go on one if that’s what they wanted to do? If they’re competent enough to teach a new kid, they’re surely capable of taking care of themselves. And didn’t you say last chapter that Kei is in her twenties? Why on earth would she need someone else to talk her guardians into “allowing” her to travel? She’s an adult by our standards, and the pokemon world regularly lets kids half her age travel on their own.
It’d be one thing if these girls were passing through on their own and he asked them if they’d mind taking Alistair along. But instead everything that happens is all about him. From what’s said here, they only get to travel and battle because Birch decided Alistair should get to do things and they should teach him, so he intervened.
The badges/items thing really doesn’t make sense in practice. It’s a game mechanic thing, there really is no reason why you should need to ban people from buying ultraballs until they have the right number of badges and certainly no reason to restrict them from things like revives. It’s also impossible to enforce – higher badge trainers would just buy and gift/resell the items to others.
[ Despite her Pokémon being at least 5 levels above his, she felt the same. ]
She’s got a wartortle, doesn’t she? It’s at least eleven levels above his, and could be as much as twenty levels above.
Also, write out numbers with letters.
If she thinks catching lots of pokemon is a great idea, why does she still only have a single pokemon after a year and a half?
I’m still not sure where you’re going with having an older trainer telling them things. She’s being slightly enigmatic, but mostly, it seems this serves to avoid them actually making those mistakes and growing on their own.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8871325/1/Pokemon-Platinum
Spellcheck is not optional. Neither is punctuation.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
This is a mess, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8871686/1/Pokemon-Radiant-Scales
This is a mistake-ridden mess. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8871985/1/Twins-of-the-West-Star
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
{ When it turns October 10th of the year of the trainer’s seventeenth birthday, they are given their Pokémon License. This, of course, was not implemented until a few years ago when it was ruled that leaving your home at the age of ten was too young]
After the years and years of people trying this excuse, you’d think they’d have noticed the problems.
First, we see those ten year olds in canon and they handle it fine, so it’s not too dangerous.
Second, if the problem is things are dangerous, then refusing to give them pokemon until they’re seventeen isn’t doing much to solve the problem.
Third, this can’t be implemented smoothly. If it was “a few years ago” then there are no seventeen year olds to get their licenses yet – any seventeen year old already became a trainer back when ten was the legal age. It’ll be seven years before the first of the new trainers is old enough for a license, at which point they’ll be facing eighteen and nineteen year olds with nearly a decade spent raising pokemon. The only way around this is if they took the pokemon away from every trainer under seventeen, which seems like it’d result in riots at best.
Finally and most importantly, this is tantamount to opening your story with “journeys used to be interesting and dangerous, but now everything’s safe and boring”. The ten year olds were clearly managing to largely survive intact since the human race didn’t go extinct, and a story about them facing and overcoming actual dangers is far more interesting.
[Professor Poplar, the nephew to the famous Professor Andrew Poplar from Skyvale City, would give out five Pokémon to exceptional students from his small academy.]
There’s going to be no point to this but to make your main characters special, isn’t there?
And now cut to people waking up in the morning, because god knows that wasn’t boring enough the first few thousand times people wrote it.
And it just keeps going. And going. What on earth is the point of this?
[They were finally off to Professor Poplar’s lab. ]
And it’s only more than halfway through a five thousand word fic. The delete key exists for a reason. If something is boring filler, remove it.
[“Boy’s,” Caralyn said, “It is time.” ]
Never use an apostrophe for a plural.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[ He moved behind the table with the five Poké Balls. “In the Canopus Region, trainers are able to receive their first Pokémon on October 10th of their seventeenth year. I take in the highest scorers from each town’s evaluation test given when you are twelve. I then take the top 50 scorers and give them scholarships to study under my wing for five years. On May of your seventeenth year, if you remember, you took another test. The test was the Official Pokémon Training License Test. You five passed with the top five scores in my academy, so you have the privilege to receive handpicked starters from me.” The Professor smiled. ]
This had better be some dystopian scheme to control trainers because there is no other reason to be spending this much time inventing fictional red tape.
[“You picked Gastly, a dual Poison and Ghost-type,” the Professor explained. ]
You’d think the one good thing about going on and on about how old and educated and ready for this they are would be at least the story didn’t pad itself by having characters announce information everyone knows.
And those are some horrible starters. Gastly, aipom, riolu, ralts, zorua? Aipom isn’t even qualified to be there, ralts may be useful on a team but they’re glass cannons who can’t even fire until they level up a bit and so the last thing you’d want to be someone’s first pokemon. I can see why they’re having such issues with pokemon training being dangerous. Gastly at least is decent, but it’s common while riolu and zorua are much harder to get ahold of while being superior pokemon in general, so not the first choice anyone sane would be making. There’s no attempt to balance these starters in the slightest, or figure out what would be actually useful for a new trainer’s first pokemon.
And yet! For some reason the girls pick the gastly and aipom, and zorua is left until last for one of your characters to get. And you don’t even seem aware that there’s no point in showing a scene of everyone choosing their pokemon if everyone’s fine with the choice regardless of if they went first or last – you might as well just offer bins of each pokemon.
And now the mandatory battle.
[“Aipom, let’s start with Agility then DoubleSlap!” Thea ordered. She had already checked her Pokédex for all the information on Aipom.]
What the hell have these people been doing with their time for the past seven years?
[“Sucker Punch one more time!”
Zorua mustered up all the energy that he had left and lunged forward before Aipom could hit again. The Pokémon’s bodies smacked together, and they both fell to the ground.
Victoria looked over the two and sighed. “Both Pokémon are unable to continue…”]
That isn’t how the attack works.
…and now the ralts is holding its own against a riolu by using nothing but shadow sneak. The fragile special attacker using a non-stabbed physical attack that the other pokemon is resistant to. I think I’ve figured out why those pokemon journeys are so dangerous. Clearly, no amount of education is any good in this place. They should just hand five year olds magikarp and be done with it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8872028/1/Pokemon-The-Next-Generation-Prologue-R2
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[He smirked at the stolen Pokemon he still owned. Grimer. ]
One of the stereotypical Team Rocket grunt pokemon? Unless the idea is he got it because he was already fanboying them, it seems rather contrived for a future member to already have such a pokemon.
Anyway, why didn’t he just try leaving on a pokemon journey? If he did, failed, and had to come home, that’d fit a lot better with his belief the only way out is Team Rocket, as well as the usual caliber of people in the group.
Why doesn’t he just change out of the girl’s uniform? From the way he acts this doesn’t seem particularly unusual, and he’s complaining about the outfits his mother makes him wear, so wouldn’t he have learned to keep a change of clothes on him?
[Why was she joining Team Rocket? What would she get out of it? She remembered all of her problems would vanish if she escaped that one boy. ]
This is a really unnatural way of putting it. You’re writing as if she completely forgot, then suddenly remembered.
[Ever since she had enrolled at school thirteen years ago, Jojo had done nothing but make her miserable. He would follow her and use his Bellsprout to harm her in several ways. His favorite techniques were spraying her with Acid, making her sleep in class with Sleep Powder, or whipping her with Vine Whip. ]
I really can’t see any of this being allowed by the teachers. Even if I assume you mean he bullies her out of their sight, the sleep powder one would have to be done in front of them. Nor do I see why she doesn’t get a fire type to defend herself or leave on a pokemon journey instead of join a criminal organization.
…so, Jessie is batshit but James is fine? Why?
[Thanks, papa, ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
…and, for some reason Logan is still in that outfit. I really don’t think there’s any rule that applicants have to show up already in uniform, for obvious reasons. Since you obviously like the idea of him showing up like that, why not just have Logan not hate wearing it in the first place?
[They slipped each other their outfits, then emerged triumphantly, Lindsay wearing Jessie’s uniform and Logan wearing James’s uniform. ]
And so was lost the only particularly interesting thing about the original pair.
[Lindsay squealed. “I can’t believe I’m going to finally go on an adventure!” ]
Then why did she never go on a journey?
…so they don’t even recognize each other’s name? Even with the matched uniforms? Why would the fact they have a sibling be kept secret?
…and even with Meowth telling the story about their parents, they still take a while to figure it out? Idiot characters are really not that interesting. What’s gained by them not realizing this for as long as possible?
So, Jessie’s nuts and then the girl twin is the wussy yet hyper one while the boy is the competent straight man. Oh, pokefandom.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8872077/1/A-Heart-So-True
Hm, that was very interesting. I like the style of this – it has a very good rhythm that carries throughout it, and the implications – it took me a while to get what his emphasis on used to save pokemon meant, but it’s that he let the infection out because of that, isn’t it? And I like how you wrote Tina as well.
The story seems to have some ambiguity about the infection itself – [ If he’s not imagining it, there’s a filmy white cast over the pokemon’s eyes. ] and then [ It obviously hasn’t turned yet, and they’re inside, maybe they should – but – if he looks closely he thinks he can see its eyes already gleaming white in the gloom. ] so he never unambiguously sees the sign, which then makes [ Its eyes are shining – the moonlight, of course. ] seem to just add to the possibility Ash is just delusional. But that doesn’t seem to really add anything much that I can see – everything else fits with the idea he’s actually doing something important (the fact the pokemon he suspects is the only one missing and it then returns as he predicts, the flashback, the fact the story has a much better arc if it’s Ash getting ground down by the strain of doing something necessary than if it’s just him being crazy the whole time) so I’m not sure why, unless I’m missing more that’s supposed to point toward the crazy option. It seems like it’d reads better with it solidly on the side of this being a real horror lurking that people are unaware of and this being partly Ash’s penance for his own involvement.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8872087/1/Infiltrate-and-decieve
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
This really doesn’t seem to be about the canon characters. If you decide to give character a completely new background with extra magic powers on top, you’re making OCs.
You also have miscellaneous grammar issues throughout this. You should really look into getting a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8872100/1/Sky-Warriors
Listing what’s happened and then telling people how it’s going to be resolved is not good writing. The history should be revealed during the story, and you should just avoid telling the resolution entirely.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8872100/2/Sky-Warriors
[“The cloud islands are made up of seven main islands and twenty three small islands. The smaller islands host about five to ten buildings each, while the seven main islands have about thirty to fifty buildings situated on their soil. This is of course not counting Angelican Island, Olinate Island and our own island, Fliton.”
“Mr Greenwich, why are you telling us this?” asked a girl near the front of the class. She had curly brown hair, which reached to her shoulders, and green eyes. “We learnt about the thirty islands when we were three.”
“I am telling you this, Cecillia, because coming up in your final academy test, which involves you flying to a designated cloud islands.”]
That really doesn’t fix the problem that it makes no sense for him to be reciting what they already know here. Really it’s just adding the problem that they should know that test is coming up as well.
Anyway, your grammar is really bad – “a designated cloud islands”? You’re mixing singular and plural here, and you just keep making mistakes. Proofread and get a beta reader
[a girl who usually more interested in Butterfree’s than boys ]
Never use an apostrophe for a plural.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[A tame Pokémon and rider flying outside the range of the ‘Ick’ islands, without a licence, would usually have the human arrested, and the Pokémon set free or put down. ]
Why?
This is a very different setting, but you’re not really explaining your decisions, and there’s no clear sign of what’s to happen yet.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8872142/1/Lost-But-Found
[Its ice cold!]
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.
[“Um, what’s sex?” I asked as I tilted my head looking at her.
She looked at me like I was stupid “What? You don’t know what sex is?” She asked me as I shook my head again. “Well I guess I’ll have to teach you how to have sex. Also sex is sexual intercourse between two or more people. Now get undressed.”]
Okay, see, even in pornland where the solution to everything is sex, if you have one character not even know what sex is, ordering them to have sex with you in response is pretty immoral. If you don’t want her to seem like the sort of person who’d take advantage of a kid, you should avoid her ordering him to do this when he doesn’t know what’s going on. Surely you can think of a way to make this sound more consensual – or else just embrace it as rape, either one works really.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8872451/1/The-Light-in-the-Dark
[ Summer’s mother yelled at the auburn haired, dark mahogany-eyed five-year-old. Her best friends, Kate Hitomi, a brunette with deep navy eyes, and Solana Hinata, a girl with powder blue hair and burning magenta eyes, snickered upon hearing Summer’s full name. Summer stuck her tongue out at them before turning to her mother, a fiery redhead with mandarin orange eyes ]
This is ridiculous description. Ask yourself what part is actually relevant to the action at the moment.
[“Just what possessed you to do that to your brother?” The woman, whose late husband had middle-named their daughter after, snarled lowly, gesturing to where the trembling dark haired, golden-eyed boy sat ]
Seriously. Your sentences are barely coherent.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don’t put author notes in your story.
Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8872732/1/The-Gift-of-Reshiram
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This is far too short to be posted as an individual chapter, and isn’t really good story material in the first place. You’re just telling what’s happened – it’d be much more interesting to have the kid showing whatever that gift is and finding out the reason later. At most, just say that White’s dragon died, then move right into whatever your story is from there.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8872840/1/We-All-Live-in-a-Pokemon-World
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This is way, way too short for a first chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8872849/1/The-Manifestation
[“Zack and the other royal guards watches over the Barrier as it begins to fade. Zack then looks over a window and watches Team Unpredictable practice with their practice dummies. Aria kicked the Practice dummy right on the face knocking the head off of its shoulders. Zack then looked at the Barrier as it began fading longer.” ]
Why is this in quotation marks?
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Don’t capitalize random words.
Punctuation belongs at the end of all sentences, not just some.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This is just a mess. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8872922/1/Eddie-s-Pokemon-Adventure-Johto
Well, someone actually having a pet pokemon in advance of their starter is nice to see. Dratini are super rare and expensive, though, so why does he have one?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Anyways I am currently in the Johto region and I have been on the waiting list for a starter Pokémon ever since I was twelve. My parents made an agreement that I could start my journey when I get my starter Pokémon, but that was when I was ten. ]
For god’s sake just have him start at ten instead of making up strings of nonsense to try to justify him being older.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Spellcheck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8873029/1/The-Pokemon-Samurai
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[with blood covering his left spear-arm covered with the blood of his latest victim ]
Proofread.
[ This Gallade had on a brown trench coat that was left open for some reason. ]
Do you realize how ridiculous this sounds.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[The Gallade’s eyes spoke with vengeance towards the Escavalier. ]
Eyes don’t talk.
[Arc reached into the opened trench coat with his right hand and unsheathed a pure black katana ]
Okay, so to be clear: insanely ridiculous is how it sounds.
[ the Blade pokemon ]
Don’t use their pokedex descriptions as epithets, it sounds terrible.
Don’t bold attacks.
[Unfortunately for Ivan, Arc performed Night Slash with his katana and slashed off the right arm of the Escavalier. Ivan tried to use Fury Attack with is remaining good spear-arm, only for the Gallade toTeleport behind the Escavalier.
Using his katana, Arc used Psycho Cut and ran his opponent straight through with the first two inches of the blade coming out of Ivan’s chest. ]
Why is he using moves that escavalier are resistant to?
Anyway, this was pretty meh. You have a very long battle scene between characters you haven’t developed or given context to. If you want things to be sort of mysterious, cut this scene down to the minimum – edit the dialogue to flow more cleanly and require less back and forth to get across the same information, then end quickly with the gallade saying he has to take the escavalier down, then have him just teleport and stab quickly, instead of a drawn out exchange of moves (which, as a bonus, removes the fact the exchange of moves you’re giving don’t make much sense). Mystery works better when it’s short and sweet.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8873385/1/The-Rebellion
It’s incredibly hard to make sense of who’s speaking in this. Keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You really need more narration to go with your dialogue – it’s hard to picture what’s going on and they come off as just shouting cliches at each other. Also, how can someone recall fifty pokemon at once?
Well, anyway. As opening dreams go, it’s different than usual.
[ Pallet town ]
Capitalize both parts of a name.
[So what starter should Josh choose? ]
The one that works best with his future team, which you should also have done some planning for in advance.
Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8873424/1/The-Journey-of-Two-Dragons
[It was the building where all the training Dragon Tamer’s stayed. ]
Shouldn’t be capitalized, and definitely shouldn’t be using an apostrophe for a plural.
[ a magicarp ]
K. It’s a good idea to add pokemon spellings to spellcheck.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[ A tall male ]
Just don’t use male as a epithet like this. It sounds ridiculous.
[ Maurer whispered the name of his ninetails’ his father gave him. ]
It’s ninetales, and that apostrophe shouldn’t be there.
[ was gyrados ]
Needs an “a” and it’s gyarados.
The gyarados is cute and I like that he’s treating it as an individual, but the scene would probably work better if Maurer wasn’t completely passive. Zorua leading him to the gyarados works fine, but if he’s supposed to be becoming a trainer, he should be the one to ask it to be his pokemon without needing another pokemon to get the pokeball and gesture until he gets the message.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8873463/1/Warrior
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[”No! I refuse to let my son be weak! Kanto needs good fighters! Ash has being a warrior inside him!”
”But Stanley, he is only nine years old! Kids aren’t supposed to fight! HE IS YOUR SON, FOR MEW’S SAKE!”
”You just don’t understand, Delia! Do you know what they’ll do if they get hold of him?! They will kill him!”
Ash, a raven haired boy with brown eyes, was sitting outside, hearing his parents argue.
His dad wanted to take him somewhere else to train him in combat. Like every mother would do, his mother, Delia, refused.]
This is really not how things were in medieval times.
…and now it’s even less so. Do some research.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8873639/1/Drake-s-Celestia-Adventures
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8874317/1/Unova
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8874520/1/Mark-s-Tale
Huh. You write the storyteller extremely well. Beyond that, I can’t really say – this is a very nice opening, but you don’t actually get into what your story itself will involve, and what little there is seems like it’s the old cliché of oppressed pokemorphs.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
Decided to stick it in the C2 anyway. It’s decent so far and given the category there’s good odds it’ll never update again anyway.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8874641/1/Sanders-Story
This isn’t a prologue, it’s a poorly written description of your story. Also, your grammr is a mess. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8874743/1/Behind-You
[ The Moon ]
Don’t think this should be capitalized, unless you’re making some point about how the pokemon views it.
[When you are a ghost, you feel as if you are pretty much nothing. ]
“Pretty much” serves to weaken the statement rather than emphasize. Or you could describe it as empty inside or hollow – or, if the point is lack of feeling, numb might work.
[The sheer horror on his face is as delightful to me as currency. ]
This also seems like a weaker statement – why currency as the highest standard?
[I deprive him of that aura with my ghostly magic. He screeches out as his life slithers from his body like a thousand ekans. His grimace is fascinating; this human has given me the best reaction I’ve had in years. ]
The more concrete descriptions work much better than the first sentence, which is just saying it’s happening. I’d cut it out or redo it to sound more active – saying the gengar is sucking out or swallowing his aura, for example.
[ After a long and agonising wait, I feel alive again. ]
Ha, indeed. Ghost pokemon really are terribly creepy.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8874792/1/Frozen-Belief
[To be honest, I had been a little worried to meet him; thanks to an irrational fear of him despising me—silly, huh? Well, at that time I had no idea what to expect; and that seemed to give my over imaginative mind the okay to spin up worse case scenarios. Of course, with the constant reassurances of my parents and friends, my illogical fear was dubbed unnecessary. ]
Your sentences have way too much crammed into them. Also, stop using semicolons. You don’t need to keep saying it’s irrational, overimaginative and illogical when that’s already gotten across by the rest of the sentences, and “my illogical fears were dubbed unnecessary” doesn’t even make sense – that’s something that should mean someone else is blowing off their fears, not that everyone else is reassuring them until they stop being so scared. This reads like you’re trying way too hard to construct the best sentence possible to the point you’re tripping over yourself.
[ and Personality testing. ]
Don’t capitalize random words.
[I silently thank mom and dad]
When used in place of a name, however, it is capitalized like a name.
[a difficult Pokemon ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Well, somewhat more interesting of an opening than the standard one, but I don’t have much sense of where this is going yet beyond the standard nonplot that is the badge quest.
Which, come to think of it, is probably more a symptom of the general fact no one seems to be able to get to the point of their story in reasonable time, or even understands they need a plot in the first place, but still, so many stories that are just trainer goes to get badges.