http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9228547/1/Communism
(John (Alphas and Betas))

Huh. Well, for starters, communism
already has a meaning and it’s not walling people into communities.

Your setup is a bit jumpy – there
were lots of illegal immigrants, therefore they stopped immigration?
How would that do anything about the problem of illegal ones? Also,
if it’s a one world government, how do they even have immigration?

Write out numbers with letters.

[Before the Law was made, the people
who sat on top of the thrones of the public eye, are now known as the
White. Royalty, politicians, and even a couple celebrities made it in
here. While the White couldn’t force anyone to be their servant, they
could make their life living hell until they had agreed. ]

…and after the law was made? “Before
the X” is a setup where you describe a past setup and then go on
to say how it’s different. Maybe what you meant was “Even
before” but that’s still a pretty clunky way of mentioning it
because there’s just no sign of how that law is relevant on the fact
that by the way the important people are the White faction. It’s
also not really clear why the White desperately needs to force people
to serve them when they’re the rich and powerful and could presumably
get servants by the usual method of rich and powerful.

[Being gay was looked down upon in this
age as you could never leave, and if your town died out they’d simply
burn everything down and plop down a few young couples and some
building materials ]

Okay, these two things really don’t
follow. Yes, gay people can’t have kids. But apparently they don’t do
anything to your town until everyone’s dead, so who cares, it’s
literally not hurting anyone. Also, considering there are set walls
marking the boundaries, overpopulation should be an even bigger
worry, until the inbreeding kills fertility for everyone.

And yes, the inbreeding is going to be
a problem. 200 to 350 anything is considered the point where an
endangered species is probably past the tipping point and can’t be
bred back to normal. And that’s assuming the population is
immediately expanded so gene loss is minimal and you have more
potential mutations to try to get back some diversity. You can’t
maintain a population at this. You definitely can’t if they replace
towns with a few couples and tell them to fuck their way back to
population stability. While rebuilding the place for some reason.
(Why would anyone burn the place down, what’s even the point?)

If you’re really dead set on the idea
of everyone being trapped in towns, you need them to be getting their
genetic diversity from somewhere. Maybe if they steal all the babies
and swap them around or something, so that no one within the town is
actually related to each other. This government seems to already be
crazy evil yet somehow be able to do whatever it wants with infinite
power, so some baby theft on top of that should be no big issue.

(Really, you need for people to support
this kind of thing for it to be enforceable. That’s really not too
difficult – for a lot of human history, most people spent their
time in a single town by choice. Add in some propaganda and maybe
some flat out brainwashing if the Batterwich is involved in all this,
and make the issue less “oh no people are traveling between
places” and more “THE SNEAKY TERRORISTS WILL SNEAK INTO
YOUR TOWN AND KILL YOU” and it should be easy.)

Also, by this point there’s really
nothing to do with Homestuck.

[BR/N: besides a few editing you need
to do i think you are ready to proceed into writing this next chapter
Ms Anna, and i will help thee anywat byyyyyyye 3 ]

WTF.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9233899/1/Hour-Hand
(Rose, Doc Scratch)

Huh. Well, I can see where you were
getting this – Rose is smart and connected to dangerous things, Doc
Scratch is smart and likes mentoring girls. The problem is, Rose
hates being mentored and can’t stand Doc Scratch in particular, and
she even noted his particular less-than-innocent wordchoice in canon.
But you’ve got her set up here as the helpless innocent who doesn’t
understand why she feels so weird around him or what’s happening to
her, which doesn’t fit Rose. One of the other girls seems like it’d
be a better choice – less interaction with him than Rose has, but
correspondingly less interaction that boils down to suspicion,
resentment and trying to get the upper hand.

Also, paragraphing has rules. You start
a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your
story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9259249/1/The-Handmaid-s-Last-Chance
(Aradiacester (English))

[“Hey, English,” she called,
as h walked away. “Are you going to miss me? You’ll have a new
handmaid, but still. She won’t be the same, right?”

“NO. I WANT YOu TO LEAVE,” he
told her. “YOu ANNOY ME AND I CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOuT IT. SO I
HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOuR SHIT. EVERY DAY.”

“Still, I’ve made life
interesting, haven’t I? You won’t miss anything about me?”

“NO. LET’S GO.”

“Fine.” She finally faced him
and pulled out her needles. “But just so you know, I might miss
some things about this life. Sometimes I enjoyed it. The little green
guys especially. They were funny. They really livened things up. And
this town was nice. Yeah, I will miss some stuff. ]

You’re dealing with a character whose
entire motivation is being so desperate to finally get to die that
she will devote her incredibly long life to destroying every good
thing her species attempts and aiding misery and suffering. So no,
she probably would not be hoping English missed her (English not
letting her go up until now is why she’s suffered her whole life) and
certainly wouldn’t be looking back fondly on what she’ll miss,
because the whole point of her character is the desperately wanting
to die.

And no, she would not miss the guy who
abused her to keep her willing to work for him.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8948482/4/The-Logs-of-Dr-S-Cratch
(Doc Scratch (Karkat, Gamzee, Terezi, Sollux))

Just
because his name starts with Doc doesn’t mean he’s the best character
to use when you want someone who’s apparently actually trying to
help. He’s a person who uses his knowledge of people to manipulate
them to worse ends. Rose would be a far better fit, and actually had
an interest in real psychology and not just messing with people to
unleash horrors.

The
rest of the characters seem mildly OOC as well – for example,
Karkat’s issues aren’t from concern of hurting others if he’s too
close o them but because everything in society tells him he’s lower
than shit and should die. You manage to translate bits of it into a
human setting, but at the cost of losing the meaning behind it that’s
the basis of the character.

Also,
really don’t see why Terezi’s chapter was focused on how terrible and
delusional and obnoxious she is, especially when he seems so
sympathetic toward all three boys. And how on earth is Vriska getting
the better of her once in a pretty surprising manner equalization to
Terezi getting held down by a bunch of kids and made to stare at the
sun “every day” without her figuring out any way of dealing
with it from days two on?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9269131/1/Midnight-Shadows
(Droog (Aradia, SS, CD, HB, Tavros))

Don’t
capitalize random words.

If
you’re mixing character groups, like having Aradia in the Midnight
Crew, it’s a good idea to give some explanation for why the
character’s there. Especially when you find yourself writing bubbly
alive Aradia and her only connection to the MC is her contact with
her exile DD while she was an apathetic hateful robot. Happier
god-tier Aradia has been somewhat creepy on the death front, so you
could make this work, but you’ve got to spend some time explaining
it.

Conversely,
you really don’t need to explain who the gang is and that Boxcars is
big and muscular while Deuce is small and so on.

[“Stop
taking all your man-period frustration out on them.” ]

And
just don’t do this. God, it doesn’t even make sense, Slick’s defining
characteristic is being short tempered and angry so why the hell
would Droog look at Slick behaving as normal and think the best
response was to call him a PMSing girl? And it’s really a bad idea to
pair the group being way more misogynistic for no reason with them
having a female member for equally no reason.

[They’re
on, uh, Prospit Drive, right in front of Doc’s Manor. It… looks
like they’re trying to, um, break in ]

But
Scratch is part of the Felt as well. If he isn’t here, well, why?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9269131/2/Midnight-Shadows
((Snowman, Trace))

Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9209763/1/Kismet-Nemesis
(Jack)

“Its”
is possessive, as in “its story”, and “it’s”
means “it is”.

Semicolons
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.

[whetjer ]

And really. Spellcheck.

Well, I like how you’re writing Jack as
generally hateful and not particularly concerned for others, and that
you’re taking the time to detail the exile setting.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9209763/2/Kismet-Nemesis
(Snowman)

[The ambiguous material was brown, with
tiny chunks of something even more indistinguishable floating in it.
]

I get what you’re trying to say here,
but it’s poorly worded – something indistinguishable can’t have
anything even more indistinguishable in it, even if it seems like
it’s a good way to emphasize the concept. Just “something
indistinguishable” would’ve been fine.

And hm. It’s unlikely you’ll continue
this, but I am curious where it’s going, since this chapter mostly
took place before the first and so you don’t get around to actually
showing what’ll happen between the two.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9290736/1/The-Eighth-Pin
(Slick (Snowman))

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9292712/1/From-dreams
(DD, CD, (HB, Ms Paint, SS))

[as well as the famous Prospitan, Ms.
Paint. ]

Given Ms Paint’s out of time location
and all, I doubt that she was well known to the rest of the Midnight
Crew. At most, another version of her might have lived there, and
having her be really well known still wouldn’t work because Slick’s
interactions with her don’t make sense if they’ve already met.

Also, it’s Prospitian.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”

[“Look, I know you had a thing for
Paint, CD, but there ain’t nothin’ you can do from here.” Droog
tried to comfort him. Deuce only looked back up at Diamonds in
despair. “He’s not gonna treat her nice, and I can’t stand it.
She deserves so much better…” Clubs said, distraught. ]

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.

[“But, his stabs, though. He’s
gonna get all excited and he’s gonna hurt her!” Deuce wailed.
“No, oh no he won’t.” Hearts explained while Droog
hesitantly papped Clubs’ head, unwillingly playing the moirail role.
“I seen that dame goin’ round with that Hussie guy, and he put
one toe outta line, he caught a paint bucket to the head. ]

This is a nice bit of explanation –
just arguing that Slick’s in love and will be nice is quite a
stretch, and saying the relationship will work because she can hold
her own if need be is a big improvement.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9292724/1/Crossed-Clubs
(OC (CD))

Just use said. It’s a nice, serviceable
word and it’s nowhere near as distracting as dancing around it.

[he stated simply ]

And if you really want to use other
speech tags, remember that less is more. Just “he stated”
would’ve fit here fine, belaboring the point detracts from that.

And speaking of that…Deuce stuffing
dynamite in someone’s mouth? Chilling and a nice way of illustrating
that he can still be a pretty terrible person. Involving railroad
tracks on top of that? Just distracting. People get tied to the
tracks to make the train run them over and kill them that way. What
he’s doing here is for some reason blowing up the tracks and maybe
killing whoever’s on the train in the process of killing someone,
which only has meaning if there’s some connection the victim has to
the train, like their family is on board or something. Otherwise,
it’s just confusing. Was CD supposed to blow up the train for totally
different reasons and decided he didn’t want to waste dynamite for
two different explosions? Something else? Instead of appreciating the
fact that he’s exploding some poor guy’s head I’m trying to figure
out why he also wants to derail a train.

[Paint
had worked for a Prospitian newspaper, and was sent to Derse as an
ambassador of sorts. He had been impressed with the way she took to
the darker moon, unafraid of the thorn-like spires and dark, winding
hallways. She had taken Jack aside for an interview about the
benefits of being a Dersite civil servant, and when she had finished,
he’d asked her to stay. “Stay here, on Derse? You mean…no, I’m
afraid not, Mr. Noir. I’m needed on Prospit. I have a job to do.”
]

This
really, really doesn’t work.

Ms
Paint’s purpose is right there in her name. If she was working at a
paper, it’d be for something painting related, maybe she was involved
in illustrating because photos were too expensive/for stories where
they couldn’t get any good pictures/because cameras at the time
couldn’t handle color and the resulting pictures needed to have the
colors done by hand/anything at all that has to do with paint or
color rather than her doing interviews as a generic reporter.

Also,
they’re color coded enemies, so no, it makes no sense to ask her to
stay. If you want something like that, you could say she normally had
a different job but was filling in for the official reporter, and
Jack suggests she keep that job with its occasional Derse visits but
she says she wants to stick with her real job (again, painting
related because it’s right in her name), which fits with nearly every
member of either kingdom thinking whatever job they have is the most
important.

[Slick
couldn’t tell her that he’d been in a violently hateful relationship
with the ex-Black Queen of Derse, she’d have them both all over
Prospitian magazines in no time. ]

I
really can’t make sense of tense here. He’s presumably currently in
that relationship given it doesn’t seem like she’s dead or anything,
and Ms Paint is obviously not connected currently with any Prospitian
magazines due to them all being exiled, so that latter section seems
like it only makes sense if he was talking about her not knowing
about the former relationship between him and the
then-still-currently-the-Black-Queen rather than the ex-anything.
Having to keep it a secret only makes sense pre-exile, but he’s only
talking about post-exile here.

[Ms.
Paint gasped. “You mean an ex-girlfriend? Jack, that’s terrible,
you surely notified the authorities?” she asked incredulously.]

While
it’s not particularly clear what, if any, sort of romantic system
they have, it doesn’t make sense that they’d have the ability for
blackrom built in as a universal constant for at least one
relationship and yet also have the entire rest of the species have no
idea about it.

[Of
course, why didn’t he call the police? It would have made perfect
sense for the leader of the Midnight Crew to get help from MCPD, yes
of course. ]

I
would say the bigger issue is that he got both injuries after
breaking into someone else’s property and then murdering his way
through the residents, so he’d be left trying to explain that okay,
it might sound totally justifiable to do that to try to stop him and
also he may have just confessed to several counts of murder in the
process but he swears she didn’t care and was just doing it to
torment him so uh go arrest her?

[“Just,
you’re not what I think of when someone says the word ‘slick’.”
She giggled quietly]

Unfortunately,
canon’s clarified that he named himself after the universe froggie as
yet another fuck you to Snowman, and she should have the same
association for the word – any Prospitian should know the Dersite
slur for it and you’ve said that she in particular went to Derse and
interviewed Dersites personally. If she really doesn’t get it, that
should be weird enough for Slick to comment on himself.

[“Oh,
so you’re all independent businessmen! My goodness, you must live
quite a glamorous life, Mr. Slick.” ]

Really
not sure why you’re working so hard on her being clueless, since what
this ship has going for it is that when she sees Slick being a stabby
asshole, she thinks it’s adorable. (Similarly, she can’t possibly be
bothered much by Slick being somewhat rude in wanting to know what
the weird alien thing is when she didn’t mind him directly stabbing
the guy while he was saving Slick’s life.)

[Green
is the smell of the fresh dew coated meadow in front of the large
Felt Mansion]

I
feel like you were just shoving anything you could think of that had
anything to do with green in at this point.

Also,
you probably meant “dominant” and not “dominate”
as one is a verb.

Well,
the poem ends up looking like a spade, so there’s that. But otherwise
this is just random words that range from obvious to dimly related to
him.

[Best
of friends, who would have guessed it?]

Uh. All of fandom,
who universally decided that this would be true as soon as they heard
of the characters?

This is just not a
meaningful point to be making.

A limerick isn’t
just an aabba rhyming pattern. It’s long/long/short/short/long in
rhythm and needs a set number of syllables. You’ve got that almost
backward here. It would be more like “There was a young man
called Itchy/He was always a little too twitchy/He ran through the
Mansion/Collided with a stanchion/But that’s what he got for running
so quickly”.

It should also be
vulgar to be a proper one.

[“Aren’t
they both real?” You asked ]

Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”

Huh.
I think you’re suggesting the repeating events thing isn’t important
or is just in people’s heads, but I’m not sure who [People want to
emulate it, so they go overboard. ] are in this – are you saying
the fans are seeing stuff that isn’t there? Because I’m pretty sure
it’s not a factor in the character’s decisions. Yet the response is
[“Well, a theme for a team is fine,” you said, “but I
don’t see when anyone else one would want to create their own
connections. Except Hussie, of course.” ] which really doesn’t
make sense if we’re talking about fandom, since then it’s not
creating their own connections intentionally so much as making a
mistake in thinking Hussie created one.

Suggesting
it’s coincidence is interesting but I can’t make out where, if
anywhere, you’re actually going with this. Possibly it’s just too
late for me to make sense of it, though.