http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9391315/1/Conditioning
(Aradiacester (Doc Scratch))

That was nicely disturbing.

Ah, nice to see
this over here! Still a solidly unsettling story, with how it leads
up, then finally there’s that moment of hope – and it’s dashed
beautifully.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9405115/1/Gifts-Unlooked-For
(Roxy (Jane, Dirk, Jake, WQ))

This
is absolutely adorable. I love how you write the dynamic between
them, and all the little details of the world, like [You break
atmosphere on LOPAN, skirting between the storms of charged particles
and shivering at the weird cobweb feel of the barrier that keeps the
neon from floating out into the strangely breathable ether of what
ought to be airless space. ]

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9405122/1/Alternian-Nights
(Sollux (Aradia))

[“What
the actual fuck,” Sollux says. “Didn’t you thee me coming?
There’th thith amazing invention called ‘feet,’ you might try uthing
them to move out of people’th way.”

I love the job
you’ve done of handling Sollux seesawing madly between arrogant jerk
and utter self-loathing. It makes for fun reading and for it to mean
so much more when Aradia’s friendliness finally wins out and he has a
moment of actual positivity by the end.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9405122/2/Alternian-Nights
(Vriska (Terezi))

Wonderful.
Vriska’s great here, from her ridiculous confidence to her firmly
tamped down fears about the worse parts of Mindfang’s legacy, and so
is Terezi’s more justified heckling and sudden switch to help when
she’s inevitably proven right, and then the ending is just sweet.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9405122/3/Alternian-Nights
(Terezi (Vriska))

Aw, this is so
cute and all the more bittersweet for it, especially Vriska
suggesting they go play with Team Charge because Terezi’s wishing for
a game with better players.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9405122/4/Alternian-Nights
(Terezi (Nepeta))

[“A purrfect strike!” the
weight on her back proclaimed. “The mighty huntress purrvails
once again in purrtecting her territory! Take that, intruder!”

Terezi mashed her face further into the
forest floor and groaned. Vriska would never let her live this down.]

Hilarious. I wish this was longer just
to get more Nepeta, especially because there’s such a nice contrast
between Terezi’s more serious hunts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9193345/1/Black-Hearted-Spades
(Jack, BQ)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9193345/4/Black-Hearted-Spades
((DD))

[But
when she reached the door to leave the castle, her way was barred by
two large burly guards. She glared at them. “Let me pass,”
she ordered.

“I’m sorry, your highness,”
one of the guards replied. “But the king requested that we not
allow you to leave the palace.”

“But I’m the queen!” she
exclaimed, offended. “You can’t keep me prisoner in my own
palace!”

They shook their heads rather sadly.
“I’m sorry,” the guard said again. “Orders are
orders.”

“I have just as much authority as
my husband!” she argued. “and I command you to step aside
and let me pass!”

The two guards once again shook their
heads. “I’m sorry.”

“If you don’t let me pass
willingly, I’ll make you.” she took out the ring and was about
to put it on her finger but one of the guards grabbed her hand before
she could and pulled it away from her. “Release me!” she
screamed.

“I’m sorry, your highness,”
the guard said relieving her of the ring.]

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9457175/1/Kingdomstuck
(Karkat (Doloresa, Terezi, Gamzee, Tavros, Signless))

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”

[He didn’t care what happened to Skaia,
it was a beautiful area sure, but Karkat would personally burn it
down if it would end this war. ]

Uh, it probably would. You’re phrasing
it like all the emphasis is on how Karkat doesn’t care, but given
removing the thing they’re fighting over would do the trick, the
emphasis should be on how Karkat wishes he was in the position to
actually do that.

Honestly, as conflicts go, Derse made a
landgrab for a patch near the border and Prospit decided a bloody
drawn out fight mobilizing almost the entire population was the only
response is not really a good fit for Prospit is charged to defend
the birthplace of a new universe from Derse’s attempts to destroy it.

[The instructor, an older Prospitian
troll woman, was a no-nonsense sort of woman. She pretty much raised
Karkat’s father. What was her name…? Oh right! The Dolorosa. It has
some sort of meaning, which Karkat couldn’t remember to save his
life. ]

Yeah, it’s one that makes no sense here
because she gets it after the Signless, who is her actual kid so I
don’t know why you’re downplaying that now, gets killed, the
rebellion destroyed and she’s sold into slavery. You don’t even need
to strain yourself making up a new name, you can just use the one
from the dancestors.

[And Prospit was rapidly losing ground
as the Dersites recently pulled out a new and powerful general. The
Archagent Jack Noir. ]

He’s really not the general type, and
if he was, why would he be new? If you want him involved you could
just use him as he is in canon with sneaking in and stabbing people
to death.

And now the other trolls have shown up
for some extended filler meaninglessness, followed by Karkat
responding to the fact they’re about to get bombed and are told to
stay indoors repeatedly or else by insisting he totally needs to head
home right this instant because he’s suddenly become not only insane
but stupid. And it’s not even like you’re just forcing him to be OOC
because you can’t think of a better way to get him outside, because
then Terezi tells him no and he decides not to, making that a waste
of time too.

[Karkat lead Terezi.

“Hurry up Pyrope!” he urged
her along. “We have to hurry!”

“I’m trying, okay Karkat! I’m
fucking blind incase you forgot! There’s only a certain speed I can
go without tripping over everything.”]

What? Terezi’s clearly not dependent on
Karkat (or anyone) like this in canon, and you even made sure to keep
the kids trolls in this, so why on earth would that be different
here?

Also, spellcheck.

[“I was just wondering if you knew
where Tavvy was is all.” She shrugged. Karkat flinched.

“Did you just call him…Tavvy?”
He asked, uncertain if he heard the spider based troll correctly.]

No, because she calls him many things
but not that. Also, it’s not accurate to say she’s spider *based* and
regardless, the fact she’s connected to spiders is completely
irrelevant to the sentence. Only use epithets when they have to do
with what you’re talking about.

And now you’re trying to do humor when
a few paragraphs ago half the city is in flames and untold numbers of
people have been burned alive.

[arkat grabbed Terezi’s wrist and
walked through the large crowd, Terezi yelling “EXCUSE ME. OUT
OF THE WAY. BLIND CHICK COMING THROUGH. MOVE IT LADY. OR SIR. AGAIN,
BLIND.” It was actually pretty humorous, and it parted the crowd
pretty fast . Karkat snickered when Terezi hit an older carapician
with her dragon cane. “SORRY SIR OR MA’AM. I’M BLIND.” He
muttered something about fucking trolls but stepped aside. “I AM
SORRY SIR, BUT I AM AFRAID I DO NOT WISH TO FILL BUCKETS WITH YOU AT
THIS MOMENT IN TIME.” The man looked confused, but shook it off.
Several people, mostly trolls, looked at them strangely and somewhat
conserned. Terezi just laughed. ]

It’s really not humorous given that
this is a huge disorganized crowd of people who just piled in after
running through bombs and have no idea what happened to their friends
and family, and also people are still currently dying outside and
it’s entirely possible the building they’re in hoping it’ll shelter
them could give way under the bombs as well. You want to do this kind
of stuff, have them acting like this in response to having to head to
a shelter for a drill, not in the middle of their city being bombed.

[My dad…” he groaned as the
taller troll approached them.

You realize same-sex couples can
produce kids for trolls, right? So Karkat could easily have two
fathers. It’s not exactly the witty retort it’d be for humans.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9457175/3/Kingdomstuck
((Vriska, WQ))

[“Hey! Spider8itch!” He
yelled, walking towards them. “I don’t think Gamzee appreciates
you oh-so-casually mind raping the cripple.” They all looked at
him, and Tavros and Vriska speak simultaneously. “Mind raping?”
“Cripple?”

Yeah the OOC is getting more obnoxious
by the chapter.

Vriska’s mind control powers are not
Vriska flirting with someone and neither is mind rape (and honestly,
pretty unlikely any would involve her in his lap), Tavros doesn’t
exactly see being called a cripple the biggest concern in general and
with Vriska there I doubt he’d be concerned about anything but
getting her away before she breaks something new, Karkat’s brand of
assholery might involve not helping Tavros out at all but it would
not involve him helping out under the justification that this whole
thing was bugging Gamzee because that’s a whole new level of
terrible.

[The brave men and women of the
Prospitian Royal Air Force was successful in deflecting the attack,
sending eighteen out of twenty-five Dersite crashing, the rest in a
full retreat just minutes after the first of our planes took off.
Only two Prospitian planes out of thirty were defeated.” ]

Why on earth would Prospit have
overwhelming air superiority? They’re not the destined to kick ass
side. And why aren’t they using those to win Skaia?

Okay, and also for no reason Condesce
also ordered a run on the troll brooding caverns, prompting the
Prospitian queen to repeal a racist law about how no troll can be a
full citizen of Prospit ever.

[“I just think it’s really
convenient.” Vriska shrugged, staring ahead.

“What is?” Terezi sniffed
over at the other and raised an eyebrow, confused.

“Well can’t you see?”

“No.” Terezi grinned.

Vriska pretended not to hear her and
continued. “Prospit is losing this war without allowing trolls,
yes? Well, I just think it’s kinda funny how as soon as Prospit
begins losing, something happens that rallies the citizens.”

Terezi was the first to comprehend.
“Are suggesting the Prospitian Monarchy arranged the attacks on
the Mother Grub!?” She continued when Vriska nodded.
“Outrageous! The Queen would never do such a thing!”

Vriska just laughed. “Believe what
you want! But desperate times call for desperate measures. And
desperate people do crazy things.”]

Also the part where Prospit is
obviously pretty evil for refusing to give trolls full citizenship in
the first place, and the part where Derse had no reason to attack the
mother grub and every reason not to, while Prospit is already on bad
terms with trolls and apparently believed they might turn on Prospit
at any time, so if nothing else, eliminating the source of those
trolls would seem like a win.

Why it’s Vriska who’s suddenly into
looking at things politically makes less sense – she doesn’t really
care so much, while Terezi is all about law and lawbreakers and even
Karkat’s at least pretty cynical.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9478479/1/Exhale
(SS (MP))

[Something you hadn’t had for a long
time, not since back on Derse if you were being honest. While you sat
in that bed, being taken care of by that idiot orange guy, Andrew you
think his name was, you didn’t feel as helpless as you should have.
Not as needy. No, for the first time in a long time, you felt you had
something ahead of you. ]

That’s hard to believe. He obviously
liked that he’d built the city and he enjoyed the whole mobster
thing. Now his city is gone, his friends are all gone and he didn’t
seem particularly happy given all the stabbings. Missing memories of
the last few years isn’t going to help – that would just put him
back to the time where he’d accomplished the city and mobster thing
with his friends. If he started to feel unhappy during the city
period as English moved it, I could see that, but the idea it’s been
all downhill since Derse is a lot more than that.

[the red slime that ran threw your
veins ]

Through. Threw is the past tense of
throw.

[And you failed her. God, you
can’t even bring yourself to think her name because you think it will
rip whatever is keeping you together apart, like the end of the
universe all over again inside your head and in that heart you swear
you don’t have. You knew she had believed in you in her own way, so
much so that she went to her death happily by your hand. ]

This, in contrast, sounds pretty
believable for how he’d feel about it all.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9478506/1/Movie-Night
(SS (Snowman))

[They could spend all day battling with
words and weapons, nobody winning of course, and at the end of the
day they would ease into this comfortable experience, enjoying the
familiarity of each other, the stability. ]

I find that hard to believe, but the
whole setup is cute.

[when he could easily destroy her right
this minute]

Well, no, I think she’s probably pretty
confident her general you-kill-me-and-everything-dies powers are
enough of a deterrent against actual destruction. Probably better to
go with something more in the vicinity of “hurt” than
“annihilate” in wording.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9478545/1/Red-Through-Clouded-Eyes
(SS (MP, Itchy))

Nicely sad while still keeping Slick’s
dickish aspects, and I like the ending of him struggling with his
missing memories.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9482208/1/Diamonds-Droog-Be-the-Father
(DD (HB, CD, SS, Karkat, Sollux, Tavros, Aradia))

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”

[Boxcars managed to keep annoying from
killing the grubs, and also managed to keep them in the hideout for
nearly a week straight. ]

Pretty sure you meant some other word
than “annoying” there.

On the other hand you’re doing a better
job justifying this than usual – Boxcars keeping them at the
hideout a while is a lot better than straight to passing them out.

[“That’s it,” you said after
the fourth time the brown one had vomited on or near one of your
shoes, “Boxcars you either get these things out of here right
now or I’m throwing them all into the nearest river.”]

Also, there’s no way it’d take four
times for Droog to get fed up, let alone so mildly he’s just issuing
ultimatums and not going straight for shooting its head off.

[“Well if you like it so damned
much then just take it home already,” Slick said, finally
joining the conversation. He hadn’t said much around the grubs for
the last few days. You assumed they made him uncomfortable.

“Hey, that’s a great idea slick!”
Said Deuce, holding his grub in front of his face, “You wanna
come home with me little guy?” the grub made a screech like
noise, its strange psychic, or… whatever it was, stuff crackling in
deuces face.

“Oh fine, now you want it”
grumbled Boxcars. “Well that’s two now with me and Deuce. C’mon
fellas, do you really want to let these two little guys starve and
die?]

There’s really no reason why they can’t
just take more than one, especially when Boxcars was apparently
raising all four already. It might make more sense if you could give
Slick slightly more motivation to be willing to take Karkat – the
idea of him just ordering Droog to take the last one works pretty
well after that point, but needs to get over the initial hurdle of
Slick being willing to do it in the first place.

[You thought you could probably get
away with killing it later and claiming it was an accident anyway. ]

You also need to explain why Droog
doesn’t just do this as soon as he’s out of sight. Slick ordering him
not to and making it clear that that if anything happens they’ll
assume it’s deliberate might work, or maybe a pride thing where Slick
says he bets he can keep his alive longer so Droog intends to wait
for him to kill his first. In that case he’d be more motivated to
wait a bit before trying to get rid of it, which gives Aradia more
time to grow on him.

Still, overall you did a pretty good
job of justifying what’s one of the crackier fandom ideas.