[The triggers in this story include:
Multiple pairings
Dark chapters]
That isn’t what triggers means.
[throughout the clearing ]
They don’t strife in clearings. They live in an apartment building in the middle of a city.
Dave refers to his brother as Bro, not Dirk.
[ i’ll ]
Capitalize properly.
[random strife’s ]
Never use an apostrophe for a plural.
Your paragraphing is terrible. Space things out properly, this is a chore to read. And this is filled with other miscellaneous problems. Proofread better.
This is a mess. Your sentences are broken up at random.
[ Don’t worry this chapter isn’t over yet!]
Yes, it is, because that was the whole chapter, which incidentally was far too short to be posted alone. Next time, finish writing before you post.
You Should Have Noticed Me, Senpai
Is it really that hard to troll properly?
Gashes, gashes, we all fall down
Eh, this doesn’t make much sense. Jack appears to kill Terezi, but is incapable of killing Karkat and Kanaya despite the fact they were close enough to see?
[ Her once fiery eyes are now a mild white. ]
Terezi was blind, and she hid her eyes behind her shades, and considering they were burned out, I don’t think they’d change color.
[Karkat shifted in bed. ]
They don’t sleep in beds. When slime-filled hollows aren’t available, they nap on piles of junk.
[ “Daaad. There’s some weird grey kid in my room,” He called out.
“He can’t hear you. There’s no one here but you and me. You’re dead, John.”]
First, that’s not how dreambubbles work. They’re populated by people you remember, so if John still thinks his dad is around, his dad’s around.
Second, dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Third, why is Karkat being a dick? You say he’s been talking to plenty of dead Johns, so why can’t he manage something with less attempted trauma than trying to shock the John he doesn’t even want to talk to into realizing he died?
…and now he’s randomly murdering John, because the guy who had a breakdown over seeing people get killed is so totally into random murder.
So far, the pokemon stuff is looking better. Damn.
[12 trolls]
Write out numbers with letters.
[ like john had]
You need to proofread better.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[*flashback to the past but not too far back*]
Don’t label flashbacks like this.
[ *and at this point Karkat ]
Write normally, not in script format.
Look, if you want to throw the kids into school, you’re better off saying that part of getting to the new universe involved being turned human and having human backgrounds, so they can’t just avoid school. It’s a lot easier than that they went to absurd lengths to be bored out of their skulls.
Your writing is just a mess. Get a beta reader.
The whole characters in an asylum thing is pretty overdone.
Don’t use dashes to indicate one speaker. That’s not how it works. It’s not like people will struggle to figure out which person’s talking under the circumstances.
If this is supposed to be dead Aradia’s personality, she shouldn’t have any problem talking. Dead Aradia doesn’t care, remember? That includes caring about if people think she’s nuts.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
[“Hi there beautiful, how is my motherfucking matesprite doing?” ]
Kurloz shouldn’t sound exactly like Gamzee.
[“Kneel motherfucker,” He commanded loudly ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
And this really doesn’t seem like it’s really saying anything beyond a recitation of half the facts. The honk is tied to the clown cult and Lord English, and at some point Kurloz ends up working for Lord English so that he’s mindcontrolling Meulin to help in the present. There’s more to his deafening her with the honk than just that he had a nightmare and now feels really bad.
[it is based off of a dream I randomly had ]
Don’t do this.
Stop capitalizing random words.
[Prolog ]
Prologue.
[with my new eyesight I had developed a few months ago I could see everything as if it were sunlight. ]
You mean daylight or *in* sunlight.
[I am sure my soul is no longer in my grotesque body I held up within those months ]
Your sentences are a mess. Find someone to beta read.
It’s spelled “prologue”.
[Your dark anxiety racking dreams keep you from sleeping. Sometimes you do not dream at all. ]
If the dreams keep them from sleeping, then why say they don’t always dream? What does that have to do with it?
[Just when your hallucinations seem to be getting worst ]
Hallucinations are different from dreams.
[ your fait ]
Fate.
Generally, you need to proofread better.
Hm, this is interesting. Taking the Saw reference to another level, and it really is creepy to imagine being in a position like this.
Ah, so that’s what was going on. This was very well written – you really have the character’s voices down, and this makes a lot of sense.
By the way, chat format’s banned on this site. You should consider crossposting this to the archiveofourown site, since sooner or later someone’s going to go through deleting these.
[for the lacking of the consorts ]
Just lack.
[ You’re just as frightened as they are. Even when you cry out, your voice seems weird and contorted. ]
I don’t think it really makes sense to think Rose was terrified during her transformation – the whole grimdark thing seems to be a mental change that carried over into the physical, and it seems to be a bargain she made willingly out of grief, rather than them taking her over and then amping up her grief.
I can’t believe people are still writing these.
Well, no, I can. People are still somehow writing stories about Ash and Misty’s bike. But I can’t help but be dismayed.
This is terrible. Try harder or don’t bother.
[ but fuckass he doesn’t even know enough about human biology to know where to start. ]
You can’t just throw any random swear into a sentence and expect the result to make sense.
[ his Moiral ]
It’s not capitalized and spelled “moirail”.
[She held back because Gamzee is his Moiral. His bloodpusher feels ready to burst. He wants to scream, to rage, because she’s dead. For good. Because of him. ]
I really don’t think Jade would have gotten himself killed because Karkat is friends with a serial killer.
If you want to do a story where Gamzee starts killing again and Karkat has to take him out, may I remind you that there’s still a handful of non-god tier trolls around that Karkat also cares about? And if you need for Karkat to feel guilty knowing they held back due to the fact he’s moirails with Gamzee, the trolls are also the ones more likely to give a damn about that relationship.
[ beingquite as dead ]
FFN does weird thinks to formatting, so it’s important to proofread once more after you upload it.
[ it’s throat ]
“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.
[While he was busy, you wrote up a short list of rules for keeping Dave safe. The first one you wrote, bolded and underlined because you are so close to breaking it anyway:
DON’T FALL IN LOVE.
Because a zombie apocalypse was hard enough without having a raging boner for your seventeen year old little brother.]
This seems to be completely irrelevant to the rest of the story. Bro never acts on his feelings, his feelings are never relevant to what happens, and otherwise the whole story is exactly like it’d be if he wasn’t in love minus two points where you say he is.
Besides that, this is very competently done but doesn’t really go anywhere. It’s the standard zombie road trip.
Eh. The spacing of this is really annoying to read, and it isn’t really much of a story – Karkat has some dreams, the dreams are just standard people are dead stuff, Karkat wakes up.
Also, capitalize your title properly.
Chapter One: Don’t Forget to Hum
This really doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the characters, just some slight similarities.
This is pretty much every horror version of mermaids people write. Sure, you’re giving her a troll-inspired description, but that doesn’t change that they’re basically OCs acting out the standard see mermaid, come too close to mermaid, die horribly plot. And if you wanted a murderous sea troll, why not Eridan rather than Feferi?
No but really, it pisses me off people always use Feferi like this.
[You’re all killers, on this forlorn rock. Every single one of you.
Well, perhaps not all of you. The humans, while broken in their own right, didn’t have a trace of homicide in their veins. This you’ve confirmed for yourself. Karkat, too, but you barely even count him as a troll.]
Then they’re hardly all killers, now are they?
But that aside, this is much better! I was not really a fan of the pairing, but you really lay it out so well here, with Terezi’s own guilt and how much she hates him for lacking that.
Magical homosexual ochinchin power
This is terribly dull given the subject matter. Better grammar might help – didn’t the Striders show that you need to be deadly sincere about your ironic content?
[Jegus…save me…]
Jegus is a joke misspelling. The trolls don’t literally believe in misspelled Jesus. Besides, if you insist on taking the jokes literally, Terezi’s Jewgish.
[weaped]
Wept.
Anyway, this isn’t particularly coherent. There’s a bunch of blood, and Vriska begs for someone to kill her, and then you say that Dave is possessed by Jack and somehow that’s why, which angers Tavros so much he’s levitating somehow? And then they declare war on Jack who’s a ghost for some reason.
This really doesn’t seem to have to do with Homestuck beyond that the person named John has a peanut allergy.
[ Gamzee hadn’t been over to his hive in quite a while, but they usually hung out every night and watched romcoms together. Every time Karkat checked pesterchum, Gamzee hadn’t been on, and every time he texted him, he never answered.
This got Karkat worried, so he called all of the trolls to his hive for a meeting.]
The trolls don’t live close to each other for the most part, and their main to only interaction is by computer. Also, it’s the kids that use Pesterchum, the trolls use Trollian.
Point is, Karkat might get anxious if someone doesn’t sign on for a while, but it wouldn’t be because his friend wasn’t visiting. If Gamzee was over with other kids instead of all alone, he probably wouldn’t be doing stuff like eating sopor due to the lack of anyone to tell him it’s a bad idea.
[“Nepeta,” Karkat grumbled her name under his breath, “we should pick someone who isn’t as much as a pussy.”
“So? Just because I’m a cat doesn’t mean I can’t go check on him!”
He rolled his eyes, “That’s not what I meant… but fine, you can go fucking check on him.”]
Nepeta kills and eats stuff and then uses the blood to paint her walls. Karkat knows Nepeta kills and eats stuff and then uses the blood to paint her walls.
Furthermore, if Karkat has such strong opinions about how only the proper candidate should go, why the hell doesn’t he spare everyone the ridiculous meeting and just go do it himself? If Gamzee’s coming over nightly they clearly live close enough together.
[He rolled his eyes, “That’s not what I meant… but fine, you can go fucking check on him.”
Nepeta purred in victory. “You won’t be sorry!” She cried out, ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
How can Nepeta go missing without Equius getting involved?
For the love of god don’t write Sollux’s lisp out.
…and so Gamzee’s killing people and then Karkat is dead. Well, what was the point of that?
And that’s your only warning, Homestuck fandom. I shall descend upon you properly next.
Are you not reviewing the pokémon fandom this month?
Pokefandom is a January affair.