Halloween Reviews (31)

Well, if the fandom you wanted me to do instead was Pokemon, you’re in luck. If it was something else, suggest it and maybe I’ll check it out next time I do one of these.


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7427721/1/Seven_Deadly_Sins

[as a Raichu]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Okay, so I get that he’s mad and smashing whatever’s around, but is there any reason why he hasn’t been herded away from the priceless antiques yet in that case?

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”

[ “He told them he was taking pictures for me. He said I put him up to it! He said I threatened him to do it” Wolfgang admitted. ]

Why is he “admitting” when there’s nothing to admit to?

And if this is standard behavior for the haunter, why would anyone believe him? And if deadly rage is standard for Wolfgang, why hasn’t he killed the haunter yet?

[HOW WAS I MEANT TO KNOW GROUND IS SUPER EFFECTIVE TO ELECTRIC?]

Uh, basic experience? This is getting pretty narmy.

Why is a pokemon with known anger issues left to sit in a room alone with the friend he nearly killed by accident?

[Wrath was rearing it’s head. ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

This feels like it’s too long. The obvious penalty for his wrath happens when he nearly kills his friend, and it’s really anticlimatic to drag it out further then have him die by random bookshelf at the end. The whole sin = death is a pretty simple idea and we already know the general shape of how it’s going to end, you should really keep it short.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7427721/2/Seven_Deadly_Sins

Eh. This one isn’t pride so much as deception. He’s deliberately lying to make himself sound more important, rather than sincerely believing he’s the most awesome fighter ever. If he was a big fish in a small pond, who could beat everyone in the area and thought that meant he could beat everyone on the planet, that’d be more the sin of pride.

You do a better job with the karmic death, though. Dying by legendary works well for pride.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7439817/1/Chained

[Little background info about my character, which will appear in several stories following this on, Soulscream. Soul is a 5ft 5in. Lucario and the spikes on his chest and hands are longer than average. Other than being taller than his species, his chest hair, instead of having a yellowish tinge has a reddish tinge. The almost dreads-like appendages on the back of his head both have one red stripe down the sides. He wears white gloves and can make aura spheres with one hand. He has a fedora that is his most important possession.]

If any of this was important, it belongs in the story. If it’s not (and most of it’s not) it’s a major red flag that you feel you desperately need to tell everyone inconsequential details about your OC.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to ” for speech. You can use italics or just put “he thought” after a thought.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Also, use commas. Please.

[ “Soul,” She coughed blood and it sprayed across his face. “You were always my best friend.*cough* I’ll never forget you.”The ice spread across her body encasing it.]

If the wound is frozen, she shouldn’t be coughing blood. Also, she shouldn’t be splattering blood everywhere.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is just generally written terribly, get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7445396/1/Witches_The_Pokedex_Holders_Edition

[One fine day, the boys of the Drechenaux (that’s what I call the Pokedex Holders. Prounounced Dreh-ch-nox.)]

If it’s not what they’re called, then it’s not what they’re called. And if you have to take two extra sentences to explain what your term is, you’ve completely missed the point.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[It was a picture of Blue, Crystal, Yellow, Sapphire, Platina and White, all in witch costumes. They were all gathered around a cauldron, and the sky behind them was dark, and a few Shuppet and Duskull were gathered around them. That wasn’t what was freaky, rather it was their expressions. They were are cackling, except Platina who had her eyes closed and was gazing up at the sky. ]

So?

[“The photo looks too real.”
“I’d say it’s just computer graphics, but nothing could make a photo look like that.” Green said.
“So, do you think, that they’re really witches?” Pearl thought.
“Witches don’t really exist.” Red said, though he was a bit unsure looking at the photograph]

First, dressing up in a costume doesn’t make you a witch. Second, don’t use “thought” for a character’s speech.

This is inane, tedious and doesn’t seem to have anything to do with canon. It’s just a random plot that happens to have characters sharing the canon cast’s names.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7454676/1/dark

Eh. This is pretty much the same old unexplained crazy Red. People always have him going on about how he has no life but the fight at the mountaintop, and never explain why he thinks this. It’s really lazy.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7454676/2/dark

Also pretty lazy. She killed him because she went nuts and doesn’t even remember.

And what sort of incompetents are they to take days to notice a trail of blood in snow leading to her back door?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7457564/1/Why_Did_You_Look

[my Dad]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “dad” like any other ordinary word.

[5 years old]

Write out numbers with letters.

[It was anyones game really.]

Anyone’s.

[t was Red, wearing the outfit from his sprite, but he was… different. He looked centuries old and emaciated, his pristine red outfit hanging off of his dry dirt drown skin. His eyes were burrowed out of his skull, leaving dark empty holes in their wake.]

Eh. Too much. The bit with the game being weird was ominous because of how mysterious it was, jumping right in to zombie apparitions is just cliché. And you don’t seem to have really tied the glitches together into anything meaningful either.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7460378/1/moongarden

The opening of this is a bit confused – are there other pokemon at all? From the rest of the story it seems like this is a world like ours where the clefairy have appeared. And there’s little explanation for how they managed to control the media.

But the rest of this is nicely eerie. There’s a slow build that works well, and you really do a great job with his clefairy. She sounds wonderfully alien and I can really see why he’s not afraid of her.

As usual, number of reviews correlates to quality. I wish we could pin down why.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7465568/1/The_Story_Without_a_Name

[MORE DEMENETD ]

Spellcheck. Still not optional.

It’s just pokedex and pokeball, one word.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

Well, that was a waste of a chapter. Nothing happened. Start your story where your story actually starts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7465902/1/Team_Rockets_Final_BlastOff

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[ a tall figure atop the cascade. It jumped to the clearing, at one mile from where the trio were, only to reveal itself as a 6′ 4,5″ (196 cm) tall young guy in a loose black ninja-like outfit (sans any kind of mask). Over the loose black outfit there had a kind of cloth that resemble the grey part of Human Smoke’s outfit in Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3, but it was like if it was turned into a metallic suit, like an armor. He also had metallic protections in his forearms and lower legs, as part of the “armor”. ]

Your description is excessive and far too detailed. Going into the exact half inch of his height is particularly absurd.

Oh wow this has turned from bad to utter shit fast. I have no need to waste my time reading people call each other gay for a page.

And it just keeps going.

And going.

Is there a point here?

Oh, it’s that girls deserve to be raped.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7471880/1/Some_Love

Terrible, get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7478838/1/Island_of_Dreams

Eh, this is more a scene that a story, and it’s so simplistic it doesn’t have much atmosphere.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7482345/1/Chernobyl

Mm, very nicely written. Your description of the radiation poisoning doesn’t seem too accurate, though – she’s still able to eat fine and otherwise seems to have extremely delayed effects when she’s describing the radiation as severe.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7482761/1/Ghost_Stories

[It was cold, windy evening in the peaceful city of Ecruteak. Anyone who dared to expose their skin to the weather was harshly bit by the frigid air. One person walked alone on the streets, crunching the dead leaves under his feet. This individual just so happened to be Falkner, the gym leader of Violet City. He traveled every so often to the city to visit his good friend Morty, who was the gym leader of Ecruteak City. Falkner slowly made his way to the gym, his blue bangs flowing away from his face, revealing his one hidden blue eye. As he arrived at the gym he soon noticed that all of the lights inside were turned off. ]

This is a really tedious opening and seems to be combining a lot of unrelated facts together.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

And this is kind of meh. It feels like a generic horror story. I mean, he is a gym leader, and he just stands there pinned in terror? It’s not like he was even alone, he had his pokemon. And he doesn’t go to the police either, even though in the pokemon world, the idea someone’s tearing out souls and eating them doesn’t sound as crazy as it would if someone ran into a police station in our world.

There’s not really any explanation for why the gym leaders are trying to deal with it themselves, actually. Whitney shouldn’t be trying to figure out how they can talk to the other gym leaders, she should be calling Officer Jenny and reporting a murder.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7482814/1/Revenge

[The wind whispering a beautiful melody he couldn’t resist but follow into an old mansion. He looked around wondering where the humming was coming from. Out of the window as the full moon glaring at him. It was Halloween and didn’t believe in any supernatural creatures. ]

This is incredibly choppy. You’re missing a word in the last sentence and I don’t even know what’s with the second to last one. You really need a beta reader.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Also, this is original fiction with characters that just happen to share names with May and Drew. It has nothing to do with pokemon or the characters.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7490506/1/Happily_Never_After

Eh. This just seems sinister and bloody for the sake of it, without any real plot, and it’s really not fanfic either.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7491929/1/The_ramblings_of_a_psychopath

Capitalize your title properly.

[t’s a lot.. pinker than expected. You’d expected her to be into My Chemical Romance, not Vocaloid.]

Vocaloid fandom produces some pretty dark stuff.

[wont]

You’ve got various grammar errors in this. You really should proofread better.

[Her screams are terrible, though she’s not resisting. She must be a sadist.]

Masochist. It’s the opposite one.

[With a lot of her strength, she swallowed her pride and.
“Sorry for everything.” She mumbled, through the tears and screams.]

That’s…not really a pride issue, and it’s sort of creepy you’d think of it as one. Unpleasant undertones of girls deserving to be put in their place, you know?

Anyway, this really seems to have nothing to do with pokemon. It’s generic crazy torturer and generic victim.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7494022/1/Toil_N_Trouble

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Use said. It’s usually the most appropriate speech tag, and it’s a lot less distracting than everyone crying and shouting all the time.

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

Your whole chapter was just filler. Start the story when it starts, you don’t need to spend ages establishing how they got to his house or what they’re eating when they’re there.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7494639/1/Vampiric_finds

Capitalize your title properly.

This really doesn’t seem like a complete chapter, or even a complete scene. It just doesn’t go anywhere.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7494809/1/i_love_pokemon

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Eh. In the beginning you have the narrator trying to avoid admitting he eats pokemon, then halfway through he just outright says it. Plus, if he’s just randomly chowing down on people and ate his own family it doesn’t make sense no one knows about him.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7498453/1/Pokemon_Halloween_Special

[beautiful Fall morning ]

Don’t capitalize random words.

[pallet ]
is the name of the place, and therefore a proper noun that should be capitalized.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

You really don’t need so much filler of people just talking about meaningless things.

[Growlith]

Is spelled “growlithe”. If you’re not sure of how to spell a pokemon species, look it up.

…and that really was a pretty pointless story. They wander, things happen, problem resolved.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7499288/1/Cycle

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Well, that was eerie and nicely written, but it didn’t seem to have much connection to Erika. You don’t really explain why things are like this, or why she’s part of it.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7501439/1/Infection

[For nine and a half months, this dark world had always remained the same: colors of red occasionally sweeping past its vision, sometimes hearing Voices from some unknown source beyond the warm walls. ]

The baby would not have had eyes and ears for its full gestation.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Junipers Father]

It’s “Juniper’s father”. Apostrophe for possession, don’t capitalize a word if it’s not being used as a name.

[▶BOY
▶▶GIRL]

…what? Why are you doing this, it doesn’t seem to have any point.

[“Congratulations, it’s a Girl! ]

Don’t capitalize words at random, either.

Anyway…this didn’t seem to have anything relevant happening. Childbirth isn’t inherently necessary for a story, it should only be getting a chapter spent on it if it’s tied to the plotline somehow.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7501439/2/Infection

…and now we’re continuing the trend of irrelevance by opening with her waking up. The only reason to show something like this is if there’s something unusual about it. Falling out of bed is not.

[a girls’ face]

Girl’s. You should really consider a beta reader, you make a lot of mistakes.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Filler, filler, filler. Look over your story and ask what parts of it actually have to do with your intended plot. Cut away the rest.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7501942/1/Down_the_Rabbit_Hole

[Mr. Backlots smile ]

Backlot’s. Use an apostrophe for possession.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Well, that was creepy enough, but it’s not really clear why they’re handing out clefairy in the first place.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7501942/2/Down_the_Rabbit_Hole

[Diglets Cave ]

It’s Diglett’s Cave. Look up things you’re not sure of.

Also, I really don’t see why his mother doesn’t just tell him why he should be afraid of diglett.

Or why the diglett attack people if they’re so upset by the idea they cry.

Or why he doesn’t bother telling the nurse at the pokecenter. Or why the assistant at Oak’s lab doesn’t know about this even those his parents did.

[ “This kind of thing happens from time to time. Besides, there was nothing you could have done for him. Sooner or later, everyone falls down the rabbit hole.” ]

But…they obviously don’t? It’s a suitably creepy line, but it only works if it’s everyone’s fate. I figured that the clefairy thing was just inevitable, where sooner or later they’d slip up. But obviously most people go just fine without getting attacked by diglett.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7501942/3/Down_the_Rabbit_Hole

[On a hunch, he’d pulled out the Escape Rope he’d been carrying with him in his bag, as one never knew when they might get hopelessly lost up in the mountains. One could simply tie one end to a rock outside the entrance, and follow it back up again. ]

…but that doesn’t make sense, if he could get back to the entrance to tie it to a rock, he wouldn’t need a rope to lead him out. I realize the rope makes very little sense in canon, but this is just making it worse.

And now they’re mad at him for walking in and reading the words saying to depart? What’s the point of having the doorway or the writing inside if just walking near it is enough to piss the unown off? It’d be one thing if he read it and then tried to keep going, but he didn’t.

[ The message, ESCAPE hadn’t been a puzzle. It had been a warning: Escape while you can and leave us be. A warning and a trap. Those who didn’t listen were punished and made to listen, even if it meant not being able to listen to anything else ever again… ]

Okay, that’s a bit more reasonable? But still, why put it at the back of the caves if the unown are so touchy about people being there?

[“Lance? Are you ok? I’ve been calling your name for the past five minutes!”
He blushed slightly, knowing he couldn’t simply tell her that he hadn’t heard her. ]

…and why does he have to keep it a secret, anyway? I really doubt that someone could fake being able to hear this well, too. Even if he lipreads perfectly, he wouldn’t react to all sorts of sounds and he’d only be able to talk to someone when he’s facing them.

The whole rabbit-hole thing is suitably creepy, but mostly the actual threats are kind of mundane, especially this one.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7503287/1/Of_Shauntal_Grimsley_and_Gag_Porn

[I apologize in advance for any OOC-ness; I haven’t actually gotten to these characters in the game yet so I’m getting most of my information from wikis and other fanfiction. Constructive criticism appreciated. ]

Sure, let’s start with why would you even write about these characters if you haven’t gotten that far? Don’t do this.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

And…the porn was really less mocking cliches and more just generally exaggerated beyond reason. It’s really quite well worn ground by this point, anyway.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7510529/1/I_Dare_You_to_Venture_Through_the_Old_Chateau

[“What? Venture through the Old Chateau?” Lyra nervously repeated.]

This is very, very awkward and wordy for a first line.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Sounds like Lyra’s already too Torchic to do it!” ]

Just say chicken.

[Hilbert pointed behind Leaf, which she turned and noticed Kris and Lyra hugging each other and shivering.
“Johto doesn’t have an abundance of Ghost-type Pokemon.” May pointed out.
“Nor do they have burial grounds,” Ethan said.]

Johto has an entire ghost-type gym, and ghost types appear in the grass at night. It really would have made more sense just to say that ghosts are different than ghost type pokemon, and have some of the characters insisting there’s no such thing as actual ghosts while others are scared.

You really, really don’t need to write out an endless argument before anyone actually does things. It’s incredibly boring and a waste of space.

…and now they’re leaving their pokemon before going inside, despite the fact it’s constantly repeated that the only way you can safely travel in pokemon-infested areas is with pokemon of your own. I don’t really see how fear of a type factors into this, it’d be just as suicidally dumb to be doing this anywhere.

And now we have someone so stupid they close their eyes before swinging a bat at someone else’s head. Even if the pokemon hadn’t let go at the last second (hell, why did it, that’s got to count as a normal-type attack), she’d still have died from the hit.

Also, why aren’t they screaming or something to alert the other girls that they need to run?

[Lucian might have a hayday in here ]

…I have no idea what that word means, and neither does google so I suspect you made a mistake here. You might be confusing it with heyday, which still doesn’t work in this sentence.

And now they’re just getting picked off. It’s not really scary, though. We know the place is crawling with ghost pokemon that are strong enough to kill people, so there’s no suspense. They’re just doomed. And there’s no mystery about what’s killing them either. Plus, leaving their pokemon behind is just so stupid that it’s hard to have any sympathy for the pack of morons.

And now she’s beating up ghosts with a lead pipe, because that makes sense.

And now she’s beating all of the ghosts to death. And apparently they bleed.

You really could stand to plan out your stories a bit more.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7511037/1/The_Sandstorm_Slasher

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“That filthy hussy,” Snivy growled. “What I wouldn’t give to teach her her place.”]

Avoid gendered insults and don’t have a character going on about teaching someone her place. It looks really, really bad.

And..eh. It’s a bit cute, but it runs into the usual problem that just because they’re the pokemon of canon characters doesn’t mean they have particularly well-defined personalities, and you don’t really establish them enough to make them valid characters in their own right. Too much time is wasted on meaningless chatter.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7511056/1/Retroactive_Continuity

[But then, when she came home, her mother looked up, smiled at her as if she was a stranger, and apologized for her son’s absence.
Leaf knows she doesn’t have a brother.]

This is lovely. You do a good job giving each character their own particular twist on the retcons so it doesn’t seem repetitive and it’s nice to see canon rewoven like this.

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