Today, a story focused around battling that runs into the usual problem of trainers not being half so clever as they’re supposed to be, Steven Stone being unhappy about Devon, someone is into giant bunnies, and a “people and pokemon” thing.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13479042/1/Of-Moths-and-Flames (0)
Okay, so, I think it makes sense that Flannery would be way overconfident facing bug types and that someone specializing in bugs and knowing they were going to be facing her would have prepared for it and could pull it off, and I think the idea that Flannery barely even recognizes bug types because she sees them so rarely is a good angle to go with.
But. This really does not read like Kyle is a great trainer who out-maneuvers Flannery. It doesn’t even read like Flannery’s screwing up due to overconfidence or misjudging the situation. You just have her battling horribly making choices that are the worst option with no explanation.
So, you start off with Masquerain. Bug/flying that’s evolved from a bug/water, so it’s got water moves and also plausibly obscure so Flannery wouldn’t know how to deal with it. But that’s not why he wins.
First air cutter can deflect a flamethrower, then Flannery responds to double team by ordering rock slide which also misses because Flannery failed to notice the fact the masquerain had actually flown up to the ceiling – which is a flying-type tactic and one that masquerain should be particularly poor at given it’s nothing but giant eyespots, so this relies on the idea Flannery is just really bad at handling basic pokemon battles. And then a single bubblebeam takes out Slugma.
So that’s already pretty cheaty. She uses two super effective moves but you just declare they don’t hit, and then that her pokemon goes down in one hit to a not particularly powerful move that the masquerain doesn’t even get stab for. There isn’t any sign she misjudged her opponent there or that there was any superior tactic she could’ve taken.
And then, having discovered this pokemon has (an incredibly strong somehow) water move…you have her respond with Camerupt, who has a double instead of single weakness to water, and whose ground moves won’t hit a flying type. And who’s slow, so has no way of dealing with the inevitable attack. Why?
Then he counters Camerupt with a dustox, which wins by toxic and protect…which are both TMs basically all pokemon can learn. Flannery really should be familiar with this tactic.
And then, knowing it’s her final pokemon, and knowing the dustox is already weakened, and believing bug types are fragile weaklings, and knowing after two protects in a row there’s no way a third protect will do much of anything, and knowing fire moves are still supereffective…she opens by having her torkoal tank its special attack with overheat.
Her not knowing body slam wouldn’t work on a shedinja? Reasonable. But if she hadn’t wasted one overheat on the dustox, she’d have been able to use that twice in a row and win. And then you fiat that Torkoal just sits there and lets itself be scratched to death – all screech should’ve done was reverse iron defense, putting Torkoal’s defense back to normal. One puff of flame from Torkoal would have beaten the shedinja, one kicked rock, but it just doesn’t do anything to this pokemon getting right in its face?
And all this means there’s nothing actually impressive about Kyle – Flannery is just an astoundingly bad trainer to the point it makes no sense anyone would care about a bet to beat her using bug types or anything else, since apparently her only talent is snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. A story like this needs to have a clever trainer using clever tactics, and what parts of it are supposed to be Flannery’s fault should all be specific and understandable, like her not realizing the masquerain had water moves when she tried using Camerupt against it, instead of her finding out and then deciding that yup she should definitely pick the worst possible matchup on purpose. I think Flannery also rushing instead of considering the situation enough would make sense, but there’s a difference between using overheat early and using overheat at what appears to be carefully calibrated to be the biggest waste of the move possible.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13479089/1/Throwing-Stones (0)
Hm.
So, I’m down for hating on Devon both generally as a corporation and particularly after ORAS, but this all seems very poor little rich boy. He doesn’t like his life but it’s not really clear if it’s that he actually doesn’t have any choice but go along with it or if it’s that he’s upset his choice of somewhat obeying his father in return for luxuries involves not always getting to do what he wants.
[He would have traded every last one to be a real person with a real life.]
Would he really? Like, if he literally just takes off running, would his dad actually drag him back? Or does his idea of a real life still involve mostly what he’s already got but with fewer strings attached?
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13479214/1/Flash-Feelings-and-Fluffy-Friends (0)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[Though, probably the hardest aspect of my life has been dating. Most other Cinderaces aren’t too keen on the thought of dating a male shorter than them, especially one that is barely half their height. ]
I think this is putting it on a bit thick. You say in the opening that this is going to be a cross species pairing and given egg groups it makes sense that pokemon probably date outside of their species all the time. He doesn’t need to have massive dating issues to be currently single or to have issues about the specific idea of asking someone five times his height out.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13479251/1/The-Story-of-Celebi-and-Grovyle (0)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[the Legendary Pokemon ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13479531/1/Beware-of-Ashes-in-May (0)
[‘Words,’ = thoughts, or person either talking to themselves or through telepathy.]
So first, ‘ looks too much like dialogue and so is a bad marker for thoughts. Second, thoughts and talking out loud/telepathy are very different things. One is a private thing only one character knows. The other is something all the characters around them know. At best, this is going to be hideously confusing. At worst, it’s a sign you’re treating the characters as if they all have the same information, opinions and feelings.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[ cueing happily ]
Believe you mean “cooing”.
Write out numbers with letters.
[He saw both men and Machoke carrying boxes into a families’ new home. He saw men and women laughing with Conkeldurr and Machamp as they all take a break from the construction of new homes for people and Pokémon. ]
…are they actually making homes for pokemon, though? Or are these for humans who may choose to allow pokemon into their space or may not?