A slightly different Ash-betrayal fic, another one of people thinking “understands pokemon” is a great thing to throw in, and a particularly awkward all-pokemon fic where there’s pokemon pulling the carts and other pokemon driving them and yet I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to mean the former is the latter’s slave.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13467319/1/Soul-Dissonance-A-PMD-Story (0)
[What did it mean to have a soul? Is it being alive? No, that couldn’t be it. Plants lived, but they clearly lacked souls. ]
I mean, if you’re starting from the premise you’re not sure what a soul is, I’m not sure how you can say plants clearly don’t have them.
[Was it then the ability to move? That couldn’t be it either. Many things moved, but among them were the inanimate.]
And, by definition, no, inanimate objects are not a subset of moving objects. I’m guessing you may have meant to say that there are things that aren’t alive but can move, like robots. Perhaps “inorganic”?
In both cases, this sort of philosophizing is only further undermined by the fact this is supposedly PMD fanfic and there’s pokemon that are plants or robots or haunted rocks already.
I think the soul thing may be the wrong direction to go in. The sense I get is that the character is speculating about something closer to the nature of existence and what they want /from/ life, or perhaps what they once had and want to regain. So, whether or not plants growing means they have souls is something of a distraction from that point. More visceral things (the ability to move, the ability to feel, etc) also mean more to strive toward than something as nebulous as the undefined traits of whatever a soul might be. That’s why characters who want souls generally start with what a soul is and what other particular thing they need one for.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13467460/1/A-Short-Story (0)
[A/N: If you don’t know what dolphin shorts are, google them right now and picture Volkner wearing them. ]
Or, if this is a deeply important image you’ve centered your fic around, you could settle for using words to describe them.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13467462/1/Escape (1)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Just flatly saying a bad thing exists isn’t the same thing as horror, and especially not when as soon as it’s mentioned your main character punches the threat’s face in and is fine. You need to build suspense in advance of a threat, you need the actual conflict with that threat to be more than your character doing a one-sided beatdown of it, and you need it to sound plausible when the threat claims it’s not gone for good.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13467580/1/The-Energy-of-Battle (0)
So, I largely like what you’re doing with focusing on a battle, but your sentences could use tightening.
[Only to have to jump out of the way as the ground erupted in front of him, dirt and rocks ripping apart, the very stones responding to his opponents will, as it utilized its innate power to form a loose wall between the two of them, then blasted the stones back at the small fighter in a wave of destruction that would surely end the fight if the lightweight creature took even one solid hit. ]
This is not only very long and drawn out for something that should be happening abruptly but stuff like “as it utilized its innate power” is just pure filler.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13467581/1/we-re-stuck-in-a-Mansion-full-of-Women (0)
Capitalize your title correctly.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13467591/1/Reconcialition (2)
Your title is misspelled.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[Professor Oaks lab ]
Oak’s. Apostrophe for possessive.
[” You got in the middle of another criminal organization,” May said.
” What’s wrong with that?” Ash was confused, he had saved the Kalos region from certain doom.
May got angry at Ash’s response and snapped at him. ” You almost got yourself killed! That’s what’s wrong!”]
Okay, so this is definitely a more interesting and far less stupid direction than everyone just wanting him dead because the author says so, but a good lot of the deadly things Ash gets wrapped up in are like, apocalyptic, where if Ash hadn’t been there to stop them lots of people, himself included, would’ve just died. If their point is that pokemon training itself is too risky, focusing on the more mundane near-death experiences he runs into while traveling would be a far better tactic.
Also, you need to stop putting a space in dialogue like that and when a speech verb is leading into dialogue, there should be a comma rather than a period. So it should be [May got angry at Ash’s response and snapped at him, “You almost got yourself killed! That’s what’s wrong!”]
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13467681/1/Ashes-to-Embers (8)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[In the small town of Pallet, four friends were gathered in an old tree house, eagerly discussing their Pokémon journeys, set to begin in two days’ time.]
You’re really overusing commas.
[Ember, on the other hand, was jokingly referred to as the evil twin by Pallet residents, though all knew her to have the same kind heart as the the rest of her family. She had a terrible habit of appearing, seemingly, out of nowhere, startling everyone and seemed to take great pleasure in terrifying people. She also inherited her mother’s infamous anger, difficult to incur but horrifying to see. Despite that, she was just as reliable as Ash.]
Your description of her character is all over the place. She’s this, but also she’s this opposite thing, and she has this negative trait and that negative trait, but also neither of them mattered because she’s something else just because.
Someone can’t “take great pleasure in terrifying people” and be precisely as kindhearted as everyone else, and definitely not when in addition, she’s horrifying when enraged. Nor does it make particular sense how someone who enjoys appearing out of nowhere and has rare but extreme bouts of anger can be considered reliable, yet alone precisely as reliable as someone who doesn’t act like this.
People do, of course, have range to them. It’s not that someone who enjoys startling others can’t also have positive traits. But these traits need to interact. The person who likes doing that to people is less kind than the person who does not, even if they’re both decent enough overall. Similarly, someone can generally be reliable /except when/ some particular thing overrides that, but you shouldn’t just list off ways traits to the contrary and follow it up by saying they are.
[When it came down to it, Leaf was the most feral of the four, ready to throw fist before asking questions, she just happened to look innocent enough for the adults to disbelieve those claims. ]
They’re in a tiny town. It seems extremely unlikely that all the adults somehow never noticed the kid who looks innocent reacts to everything with punching. For that matter, it beggars belief that someone getting into fistfights would be looking innocent instead of visibly scuffed up from those fights. People know other people in small towns rather than relying on incredibly superficial first impressions.
[Oak labs ]
If that’s the name of the place, both parts should be capitalized.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[ To be honest with you, I caught your Pikachu as a Pichu, it was quite surprising to see it evolved, and in its Pokéball no less. ]
Please don’t invent extra plot holes. If you didn’t want it to be a pichu, just have it be caught as a pikachu instead of saying multiple impossible things happened unnecessarily.
[“Oh, right,” Ember grinned down at her new partner, “Ash and I can understand Pokémon. ]
This is a terrible idea. If a character understands pokemon and you write them like they’re human characters, then it is monstrous that they’re treated like property. It doesn’t matter if they feel like playing at kindness toward the ones they personally own – that upset eevee Gary intervened for? Obviously did not want to belong to the girl, no doubt was saying as much, and Ember and Ash didn’t care because it wasn’t their problem. This isn’t something to throw in just so they can wallow in how very special they are. Anyone halfway decent would recognize they have a responsibility to actually help.
This one actually has them being relatively undickish toward the pokemon right in front of them which only makes the self-centered focus stand out further. I think a major component of the problem is that people are writing under the usual fantasy rules where the main character is rare to unique in all respects. If nobody else is teaming up with wild monsters, saying they’re also the only one who’s special enough to understand wild monster language would work so much better.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13467725/1/Ready (0)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
So, I understand the desire to have a ship work out, but this is very awkward and rushed. You open explaining all the reasons why a sudden confession of love is not a good idea, then she does that and it’s completely fine.
If he is supposed to be ready for this, you really need more than stating that he definitely isn’t. Make it clearer this is just her own concerns and perceptions, and spend some time describing the dynamic between them and hinting to the reader that he’s interested.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13467748/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Wildcard (0)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[ Flocks of white, yellow-footed seagulls ]
It’s extremely weird in PMD stuff to have regular animals. Where do pokemon like wingull fit into this?
[the Bidoof hopped up onto the driver seat of the cart and signaled for the Mudsdale to take off. ]
Of course, it can’t hold a candle to how weird it is that apparently bidoof intelligently drive carts while mudsdale are mere beasts of burden blindly obeying their orders – really, how weird it is that in a world where you’d think everyone pulling a cart is just as smart, they’d even have the concept of a driver’s seat.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13468006/1/You-Can-t-Trust-Wooloos (1)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.
[You turned to find a ball of wool staring back at you, its face nonchalantly gazing back at you. ]
This is the same thing twice.
[its’ freedom ]
No apostrophe.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13468130/1/Shattered-Hearts-Victorious-Minds (0)
Actually write your story before you post, instead of just a summary of what it will be about.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13468245/1/Tranquil-New-Year-s-at-Red-s (0)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Huh, I wonder if there are any good fics showing how messed up the understanding Pokémon premise is? Fics with a villain protagonist/antihero that show them ignoring situations they could help with, or young kids struggling with understanding Pokémon and not being listened to, stuff like that.
Well, I mean… https://archiveofourown.org/works/12592388/chapters/28681816
Ooh, neat! (Sorry, I’m new, I didn’t know)
Nah, it’s fine. Most people around here who’re interested in NaRe are somewhat familiar with Farla’s work, so I kinda assumed you were as well. Sorry, my mistake.
Anyway, Another Verse is pretty good at exploring various uncomfortable questions born out of pokemon intelligence. You may want to check out Farla’s let’s play of Pokemon Moon here (see the tags) for context of the story’s creation. It does contain some spoilers, though, so you may want to leave it for after reading the story if you’d rather puzzle out the mysteries yourself.
Oh, understandable! Nah, I was directed here for the deconstructions and read NaRe because I liked Pokémon and fanfic (and I was bored). Another Verse does sound interesting, though, thank you for mentioning it!
It’s a topic I’ve given a great deal of thought to!
The most hateful character I’ve constructed for this is a special-destiny brat who does everything he can to avoid the issue, down to building his team around pokemon that can’t emote well so he won’t feel as bad. But there’s more to it than just not caring – because pokemon don’t just lack protections, they’re owned things, and to get in the way of that is an actual crime. If he tries to do something, he’s taking a risk himself. (And thank you to BW for establishing that canon society actually does have a way of handling kids who think they hear pokemon, and it’s “well, maybe you’re not a person either”.)
The most functional character I made is Raven, who says, “I will do actual crimes then!” but who is still terrible conscious of having to pick her battles, and whose decisions marginalize her and make it progressively harder for her to do anything. Each conflict she gets into is just another chance for society to imprison or kill her, which in turn risks those pokemon who are relying on her for what protections her ownership can give them.
Another fic (of the many I really must get back to) has Miki, who is someone trying to help from a very privileged position and someone young/sheltered enough that she isn’t aware of just how pervasive things are so she’s largely trying to do good within the bounds of society…but even with all that she still ends up breaking rules, it just means most of what she ends up doing is on the perjury/evidence-tampering side.
But all of these are starting from the premise that personhood is a sort of obvious fact that you have to react one way or another to once it’s made clear, and that’s probably not reflective of the most pervasive problem where the character does, technically, care about the pokemon they personally own but just not in the sort of way where it makes them think about the broader situation, or even consider those pokemon’s own opinions. There’s other canons where there’s things that look like people and talk like people and beg like people and are also straight up literally human beings, and the fandom is still fine going, “But they’re not like, people.” (A friend is very into Dragon Age and she has not had a good time of it.) And there’s moemon. If making pokemon talk and also be little girls didn’t make anyone rethink things, I don’t know what would.
Wait, what’s up with DA? It’s been awhile since I’ve played the games, but off the top of my head I don’t recall anything that would trigger the “is it a person?” reaction. Maybe darkspawns, since they were portrayed as a mindless horde throughout the first game and only got personalized in the DLC.
No, mages. The discourse is…indescribable. She’s probably blocked half of tumblr by now just so she can post about DA to her friends without getting drowned in a sea of “yeah killing kids is wrong unless they’re weird kids“. It’s apparently pretty dire with the elves too.
Huh. Admittedly, I was on the periphery of the fandom and specifically not on tumblr, but last time I checked, people were generally in favor of mages and critical of DA2 for going way overboard on how mages are dangerous just so people wouldn’t automatically side with them as a clearly superior moral choice.
No idea about how it could get dire with elves since they’re very clearly portrayed as unjustly persecuted second-class citizens.
Well, third game had love interest Cullen and “so we could unTranquil the mages but like, they might be angry about being Tranquil once they got feelings back, and also angry about everything else we did to them, and also all that aside, they’d be mages capable of making decisions again. So yeah, let’s not.” and such, and now fandom’s lousy with “well sometimes Circles need to be wiped out to the last child because possibly there was a demon or maybe there wasn’t, look, we can’t take the risk of actual people getting hurt”.