A rather interesting one, and another one that completely ignores the potential drama of people choosing to believe something unlikely because the other option would crush them with guilt.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14181247/1/Emerald-Revolution-File-1-The-Strays
[the Zangoose ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[Downed trees surrounded them in what remained of the forest, the thick oaks ]
[Hardly a single pine stood ]
Okay, those are very, very different trees.
In warmer, wetter climates, you primarily see pines in more recently disturbed ground. They have higher light requirements than the broad-leafed ones, which means that new pines have a lot of difficulty growing on the forest floor in comparison, and will end up getting shaded to death. It has to get pretty cold or pretty dry before pine trees do well enough against the broad leaved ones that they don’t get replaced in forest succession. Those pines were doomed regardless.
[“Your species can subsist off of what’s left,” he said. “The Treecko and Grovyle helped grow the forest from the pitiful saplings it used to be to what it is now within five years, didn’t they?”]
And in this case…I don’t even see why they’re fighting, let alone willing to die to defend this. That’s ludicrously fast, and the fact they (intentionally?) mixed pine and oak in the process means that the way pokemon structure their forests bears absolutely no resemblance to anything we’d recognize as ecosystem functioning. Even if we’re to assume Maxie’s wrong about them also being able to survive without much forest at all, they can come back tomorrow and start growing trees right here.
[“I saw most of the Pokemon scurry out of the forest when we arrived,” Maxie said. “Proving you can survive in areas other than this one. ]
Also, under those circumstances, it’s impossible to tell if Maxie’s right about this. Sure, this is total bullshit as far as actual reasoning goes – “I saw you run away when your house and field were lit on fire, therefore you don’t need food or shelter ever.” – and Maxie is canonically a total idiot as far as consequences go, but on the other hand, you have pokemon able to manipulate the environment to an impossible degree, so what, if anything, they actually need in terms of habitat is entirely up in the air. Either this fic should be far more grounded, or you should spend a lot more time explaining how things actually work before Maxie comes in. He’s not a valid source of information because canonically an idiot, but being canonically an idiot doesn’t mean it can just be assumed that it’s the opposite of whatever he says, especially when he’s saying other facts in the process.
[ You are the guardian of the forest’s trees, are you not? Able to transfer nutrients to trees to make them spring up in a moment’s notice? I don’t see the issue-” ]
Right, and that’s the problem. It’s not clear what the stakes are. In our world, this would be enormous damage. The trees wouldn’t recover smoothly or possibly at all, and the same to the other plants that live in the environment the trees provide. The animals would die out shortly after the area was destroyed. But the idea they can create a new forest in a couple years not only means this really isn’t a big deal, but calls into question how the pokemon themselves function, and if they’re actually harmed by the loss of habitat.
[This was due to Norman being pressured by his actual wife, Caroline, that Lydia was not aware of to not go through with it. She was left a broken, abandoned woman with a baby on the way. For years she had tried to bring Norman to court for not paying child support. However, as a gym leader, he had more than enough influence with the Hoenn government for the courts to simply ignore it.
Only now, after a decade and a half of raising a son did the court finally decide to take the case seriously. But now Emerald was legally an adult by the Hoenn government standards. Now there was no child support that had to be paid. The denial of justice his mother felt had angered her to the point she no longer wanted to see Emerald.
Lydia told him to leave her house a few days ago since she was no longer legally obligated to take care of him.]
Similarly, this is pretty weird.
A powerful person fucking up very hard often gets resolved with money, rather than just trying to block it and letting it keep drag on.
And in a lot of places child support is retroactive because parents are bad about paying it on time – how child support is handled is going to vary based on the social system, but the flavor of crapsack you’ve got here sounds like it fits well with child support being a punitive thing to punish men for making their children the problem of the rest of society. The idea of no longer needing to pay if you run out the clock suggests it’s not punitive but solely based on the reasoning that the society that views children as innocent and everyone else can go fuck themselves, but in that case it should look even worse for Norman to be avoiding it and harming an innocent kid. At that point it seems implausible he’d have societal influence if he’s flouting that – if he’s getting away with it, it suggests he’s got piles of money or hard power that makes it so no one else could make him, which could give some idea of what being a gym leader gives you in your particular universe, and he’s chosen to torpedo his reputation out of sheer spite. Which is entirely plausible for a guy who almost married a second wife and only stopped because his first wife was making him miserable over it, certainly doesn’t suggest he makes particularly rational choices, but it’s very different than just general influence, and it’d also suggest he’s got some other motivation for doing it – for example, that he was never actually planning to leave his wife, which certainly lines up with her getting pregnant in advance, and is pissed Lydia got pregnant and kept the kid and so his wife (and everyone else) finds out about it, at which point he might think his reputation is already trash so he can at least make her life more miserable by doing everything he can to not pay up. (Relatedly, the idea he had to be shamed out of taking a second wife means would mean either that’s legal, which says some surprising things about their society, or that their society’s ability to keep track of people is pretty limited – like, either not having birth certificates level or having travel be so hard that they don’t even try to get the paperwork that exists to double check anything so that it would be hard to notice he was double married.)
Also, if Lydia didn’t want this, she really didn’t need to wait for him to hit adulthood before dumping him unless there’s something else going on that prevents people from ditching their kid at an orphanage, and honestly if they’re that determined about it, it makes it harder to understand putting up with Norman’s side of things, while if they’re misogynist enough to only blame the woman, it’s confusing where child support laws at all came from. The underlying reasoning on child support is the idea that both people involved in making a kid are responsible for it happening and not just whatever sucker is left holding the infant.
It’d make far more sense for her to have gotten the child support, still be incredibly bitter about everything else about this (and also there’s the option of the child support having to be spent on specific things, which if that was in play would make it even harder to have a decent life overall), and then kick him out as soon as that ended. Given some areas extend child support if there’s continued education, this would also tie in well to him beating himself up for the crappy grades if the money could’ve continued longer otherwise (and his mom blames him for that). If you want further misery you could have some NDA about not publicly saying who his dad in return for him not dragging the court case out, which like any abusive NDAs would be better evidence of his dad having an undue amount of power in their society as well as giving a more concrete detail of how he’s got power over the vagueness of saying the courts ignored it until eventually they didn’t. Or, if you really want this to suck for everyone involved, one system is that if one parent was getting welfare to raise the kid, the child support first goes to paying the state back for all that, but unless gym leaders are pretty poorly paid it’s hard to believe it’d only cover that – although, some also levy fines for non-payment, so if you have a particularly abusive government, you can have a system where that just absorbs all the money.
[Professor Birch gave him a PokeDex that allowed him to look at data of Pokemon he’d find in the wild, a Pokeball and a potion. Birch allowed most any prospective trainer to have those items so long as they paid a hefty sum for it. Emerald gave Birch the two hundred dollars that was his before leaving to catch a Pokemon. ]
Okay, so:
If you’re using what stuff is really supposed to cost, then things like pokeballs and potions are just a couple hundred yen. If he thinks Birch is overcharging for the combined ones (which sure, it would be if the pokedex itself isn’t almost two hundred alone), then he should just not give him the money and go buy it elsewhere. If you think the yen price is in dollars, then a potion alone is two hundred, so that’s actually a hefty discount to get all three. The only way this makes sense is if it’s overpriced but Birch forces people to buy the full package if they want the pokedex, which doesn’t work with you saying he “allowed” them to do it as an option.
My best guess is you may have meant that “you can have it only if you can afford it” but that’s not what the connotation of what you wrote is. “allowed…so long as they paid a hefty sum” implies he’s taking advantage of them. “would give anyone who could afford the hefty sum” is more neutral about the money. Even then, given these are common game items with set prices, you really need to explain what you think the costs are. Part of this being a miserable place could be that they’re far more expensive, but the only thing that’s been ruled out so far appears to be a direct yen to dollars conversion because a potion definitely isn’t two hundred dollars alone based on this.
[Emerald figured that he could make a decent amount of money by becoming a member for Team Magma or Aqua as the more successful grunts were generally paid well. ]
Okay, so it doesn’t follow very well from [And so Emerald did what all kids with poor grades, zero useful skills and were unwanted by their parents did. ] to the assumption that he’d be on the “more successful” side at something he’s never tried. Given the leadup to this, I would expect him having much more modest goals, like even the base pay is enough to live on, or that you get free room and board, so he’ll be okay even if he turns out to suck at it, and then maybe hoping he might do better as he gets experience.
[The problem is he didn’t know which to join. Team Magma was focused on changing the terrestrial landscape for human expansion, i.e. planting forests, cutting down forests for timber, digging for rare minerals and even using the power of Ground and Rock-type Pokemon to change the land itself for mankind’s benefit. If you were willing to work hard you’d get a big paycheck but they also did a lot of Pokemon battling and Emerald was unsure if he’d risk his life for that.
Team Aqua didn’t do as much battling as they primarily tried to change the surrounding bodies of water for human benefit. This included everything from draining bodies of water to make room for farmland or growing populations or even flooding areas and creating new bodies of water. From what Emerald remembered in school they encountered less Pokemon battles but their sea campaigns were known to have huge casualties. When Team Aqua attempted to change the water levels of the ocean it could quickly turn deadly as sudden storms or the swarm of Pokemon living there made for notoriously disastrous projects.]
While neither option sounds great, they do sound pretty different, which means that unless this is just getting dropped on him, you kind of need more explanation about why he feels the pros and cons are just too similar for an easy choice. Even from this minimum explanation, Team Magma seems more skill-based and Team Aqua more luck-based, so if he feels unsure in his own ability, it would seem like an easy pick for Aqua, while if he feels like he’s cursed, he should avoid Aqua and their sudden mass deaths.
The problem here’s really that you’re mostly just telling the reader how the two function in society even though we’re supposed to be in his head while he’s thinking about how he feels about each one. They really should have a lot more fleshing out his reactions – is he willing to work hard? is the pokemon battling totally mandatory, or is it that he’ll have to do it if he wants to be getting the better paychecks and maybe in that case Aqua where there’s high paying jobs that don’t require that is better?
It also feels like he’s just suddenly considering this as an option, but [If Emerald joined one and did well he could finally gain some pride in something and not just be thought of as a love child everybody wished never existed.] didn’t just trigger when his mom kicked him out. This should’ve been an option he’s been at least considering for much of his childhood, and giving real consideration as he found himself doing badly in school while approaching legal adulthood. If he’s still on the fence after all that, then you really need to explain it, either by digging very deep into how he feels about it or else go in the opposite direction and say that since they’re two important arms of the government, the signup bonuses change constantly based on which one needs more recruits and he plans to just look up which one’s better, or else have people just be assigned to whichever one they’re told given that after all, they’re no longer opposing teams but just two branches of the government. If he has no choice about where he’d end up, that’d fit perfectly with him just being wishy-washy about how either one could be good or bad, because he doesn’t have to figure it out.
[Maybe my dad will even recognize me as someone worthy of love. He thought.]
Thoughts follow the same rules as speech, just without the quotation marks.
[The Petalburg Woods was grown by the wild Pokemon with the permission of humans as the wilds were lied to that their habitat would remain mostly intact. After the trees were cut and the wild Pokemon slaughtered or caught, new Pokemon would arrive to take care of the new forest before the cutting would happen again. ]
Okay, so if this is actually renewable, then we’re back to why they’re fighting to the death to prevent it.
The one way this would make sense is if this actually is the main population limiter on wild pokemon populations – the pokemon colonizing the destroyed areas are dispersing from areas with a surplus population. I forget what the term, population sink area? Species where the limiter is appropriate habitat will have their deaths be when the good habitat is already taken so they end up somewhere that’s not viable. In that case sure, they have to fight to the death now in the slim hopes of success because if they don’t they’ll inevitably die a little later. And if the pokemon really can’t survive with their habitat destroyed, then this should lead to them ending up making a problem of themselves in the nearby cities and towns as they try to find food and shelter there, which again means that it’s weird Maxie doesn’t seem to think mopping up the displaced pokemon is important. But assuming the slaughter and capture is an intended part of this, rather than just necessary to handle the fact the pokemon are trying to stop you from cutting down the trees, then why is Maxie saying he doesn’t get why Leif and the other pokemon fought instead of leaving and that the many others who left are fine? That really sounds like what happens to the wild pokemon isn’t directly a part of this but a side effect, or else they’d be trying to keep the pokemon from escaping.
[Emerald knew that it would happen eventually but didn’t know it was going on today. He came to Petalburg Woods to catch a Pokemon as the forest was home to a wide range of strong Pokemon. He sighed, figuring he’d have to return to the grasslands around Oldale or forested marsh near Petalburg City to find a Pokemon. ]
That really doesn’t follow.
Emerald continues to be so confusing about if he’s a sadsack or is ludicrously overconfident. With just a regular pokeball and no mention of any self-defense skill at all, he thinks he should go tromping about somewhere with really strong pokemon and then try to catch one in particular?
And what Emerald is describing is one of the most basic hunting strategies where you flush animals out. With their homes destroyed, the survivors are going to be wandering around in the open – yeah, probably not right in the spot they’re processing the trees, but the whole surrounding area should be a good place to look right now. Either it needs to be established that only the weakest pokemon run and the rest always fight to the death, which suggests some very weird stuff about pokemon psychology, or else that for some reason it’s officially taught that all pokemon in the area are either dead or captured at the end of this even though the opening establishes that’s not true.
[He began to weigh his options. While Emerald definitely needed a Pokemon, one that was so close to dying was possibly a bad choice. He would need to use his potion and he’d much rather use that on his own injury until he gained more Pokemon to defend himself. However, this also meant he had a near sure chance of capturing it considering how injured it was. ]
Okay, so he can either use his potion and definitely not waste his one and only pokeball, or he can risk his one and only pokeball failing and him being totally screwed.
I think this would make far more sense if you just had everyone using masterballs. Explains why this is a viable way to get a first pokemon at all, and much better fits with the idea he’s going to go look for a strong pokemon as well as the overall sense that people have no respect whatsoever for pokemon. Also would allow you to still use canon pricing while having him personally thinking things are worryingly expensive given masterballs are presumably much more expensive to manufacture than the cheapest form of pokeball.
[ Emerald didn’t think Pokemon had any real emotions but the gratitude of being saved from certain death was something he thought every creature had. ]
I mean, I get what you’re saying but this is a really poor way of putting it. Instead of an absolute like any, something like much/many/etc, to minimize it, would make much more sense.
[Us Treecko…we are tasked with caring for the forest’s trees from our birth. The other Pokemon in the forest depend on us to grow them and protect them from invasive species.” ]
Tasked by who? What invasive species, other pokemon?
[“It doesn’t matter,” he said. “I wish you’d left me to die. Knowing what I do…my family dead…everything my species worked for my entire life…gone. I have no purpose left.” ]
In the opening he said he hated humans and was sad that only a few trainers had died in the fight. Here’s a trainer! Right there, so very in front of him and killable!
(because it cuts off about here:)
Huh, looks like it’s back to this not giving a character number warning.
[“Well…” Emerald said. “You’re going to survive now! And…and you’re going to battle for me!”
“Fine,” he said. “I don’t care anyway. It doesn’t matter…subject me to whatever you want. I can’t do any worse than I already have.”]
This sort of directionless depression is understandable when someone’s actually unable to do anything about what did matter to them, but a lot less so when another example of that has just shown up. For this to work you need to somehow explain why he doesn’t see any at all connection between the humans he was desperate to kill and the human right in front of him now. At that point it seems like the best Emerald could hope for is that Leif is too worn out to even try to kill him, not that he’s willing to do other, non-killing-him things on command. It’s not impossible, but it is hard to do, especially when you’ve set up that Emerald is complicit in all this. Most likely option is just that Leif has too little understanding of how things work to realize that a human without a Team Magma uniform is still a member of the broader nation and thinks this one has nothing to do with what just happened, but he seemed to understand just fine in the opening when he clearly gets that it’s an overall problem of humans ordering pokemon to do this rather than it being that membership in Team Magma is the issue for both the humans and pokemon he’s fighting.
Conversely, considering you end on Emerald about to explain he’s not a fan of the specific guy involved, you could just not have Leif agree at all and just continue to be too depressed to do anything including even attacking Emerald, and it’s only after Emerald says something to suggest Leif could get another chance at revenge that Leif regains enough motivation and decides he’s got nothing to lose and he’ll obey Emerald.
[“Okay,” Emerald said. “Then…do you have a name? Mine’s Emerald.”
“Yes,” the Treecko answered. “But I don’t know if I want you to use it.”]
This really impressed me. I honestly can’t remember the last fic I saw that acknowledged intelligent pokemon come with names of their own. And even more so that despite having an excuse for him to say forget it, rename me, you still don’t have that end up happening.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14181250/1/In-Taming-Fate
[In all fairness, he’d never been physically active and when he had joined a club out of convenience (knowing well it’d aid him in getting some form of extracurricular for his college resume), he hadn’t been given many options. As sports-centered as his highschool was, the only non-sports centered clubs were either for girls or academically focused (which he knew he wouldn’t enjoy and would look rather lackluster compared to those of the abundantly more academically inclined schools). ]
This reasoning doesn’t make very much sense. It’s really unlikely someone’s going to care enough to see that although he has Math Club listed, he’s from Not That Into Math School, and spend enough time thinking about it to be sure that means Math Club must’ve been less rigorous and not the domain of the math nerds who were sad their school wasn’t more mathy and are actually great at math despite the school’s overall reputation. Why not say the advice is he’s supposed to look well-rounded, so if his grades are fine then an academic club isn’t going to add anything to that while the sports thing would give him more variety? Or just that the local colleges are just as sports-focused as his school, and showing some sports interest is practically mandatory. That’d fit a lot better with your setup that he just has no choice but to pick a sport. Or, given how he seems to be showing up for practice and drills, that he actually did want to get exercise even though he doesn’t like doing it and thought this would be a good way to have that forced upon him.
Also, while this was a bit more engaging than the average setup in that it started in one place and then meandered to a somewhat different place, it was still terribly slow. This is the sort of backstory you get into once you have your story actually going and the reader is somewhat invested in your main character. Then they’re better positioned to care about him learning to care about volleyball. For the start of the story, just saying that he’s heading home from volleyball practice and then neat, somehow there’s an aurora borealis despite them being too far south that looks almost like that pokemon thing, establishing he knows the games. A couple lines of setup then him ending up in the pokemon world and then sometime later going into more detail about what volleyball meant to him is a better choice than an entire chapter which then ends before he even gets there. Look, think about it – there’s a reason you decided to write about someone ending up in another world instead of just writing realistic fiction in ours, isn’t there? Then your first chapter shouldn’t be two thousand words of realistic fiction set in ours.
[the face of its green body gave a bothered expression.]
Also, this is really jumbled. Its body shouldn’t have a separate face, and you presumably mean that face had a bothered expression rather than giving someone else a bothered expression.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14181411/1/Alolan-Ash
[“Stop now or I will use force!” A boy with golden hair, clad in white shouted, flying after a strange, cloud like being. “No not another reality!” He shouted, speeding after the being into a reality.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“The energy reading does not lie, that was an Ultra Wormhole I’m sure of it.” Wicke said, as Lusamine walked over to the boy with pitch black hair, and lightning bolts on his cheeks.
“A.R.K.” Lusamine said, reading the letters sewn into the blanket.
“Wait, as in Ark, like the Ark project?” Wicke said in shock. “Is it possible that he’s…”
“A sole survivor sent here for his own safety.” Lusamine said.]
This is an enormous leap to make. Given how off the wall Aether gets, it’s not impossible one of them might make it, but it really deserves a lot more grounding in actual characterization and reasoning on their part, as well as just the breathing room to think about this for a bit, than just letters on an otherwise normal blanket make everyone come to the same conclusion instantly. Especially when the alternative to the idea he was sent is that the wormhole took him by accident – you’ve created a situation where they might know the real answer but try to convince themselves that’s not what happened and they did nothing wrong.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14181517/1/Absol-and-Dawn
[Im bad at writing, so dont expect this to be good.]
Instead of apologizing, work on figuring out apostrophes. You don’t know how to write properly. That’s not the same as “bad”. Go look things up.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14181601/1/Generalist-in-Unova
[“Thank god, my shift is finally over.” I cried out to nobody in particular ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[ Picking up the watch like device, I tapped the screen, turning it on showing what looked like a pretty basic phone screen with apps and different functions listed on it.
Doing a quick browse through the apps, I concluded that this was leaps and bounds more advanced than any smartwatch on earth, even coming with a second screen I could reveal by sliding the top screen out and to the right.
The apps included everything from my apparent trainer ID stating I was in Unova to a Pokédex and even the Pokénet alongside a bank account loaded with approximately Three-thousand Pokédollars. ]
None of that sounds leaps and bounds more advanced. Even a second screen has been doable for ages. And because the marketing team favors chunky designs that could be easily manufactured as a toy, it doesn’t even look that advanced in style.
She’s an orphan working at a convenience store, she shouldn’t even be familiar with what the very top of the line performance of smartwatches looks like, and besides, we’ve already gotten to the point where even someone who’s an expert would have difficulty knowing at a glance over the surface level performance of basic apps how much more advanced it is. If you want her to look at this and see something confirming it’s not possible this is something made on Earth, she needs to at least find her way into the specs and see something like an impossibly large storage – you’d probably need terms that only computer geeks even know at this point, given you can get terabyte thumbdrives cheap already, but if she sees something completely absurd like measuring the space in how many free yobibytes she’s got, then that would definitely mean she’s not both on the same planet and the same year. But having web browsers and bank account access means nothing.
[ Cautiously, I walked up to the wounded Pokémon and examined Him? Her? I couldn’t quite tell, and then I realized ‘I am looking at a real life pokemon’ I shouted in my head. ]
You need to be more careful about not having unnecessary capitalization.
[“Although Petilil is fine, I’ve got to ask what were you thinking, young lady!” Nurse Joy managed to say in a stern tone. “I checked your profile, and you don’t have any other registered pokemon outside of petilil you could have been hurt.” She said this part with more worry in her voice.
“I’m sorry Nurse Joy. I was on my way to the city with some friends when I got separated in the forest and stumbled upon petilil wounded while trying to find my way here.” I lied while blushing at the light scolding I had been given.
“Well, make sure it doesn’t happen again.” She sternly says before dropping back into a more casual stance and saying, “Well, since you went ahead and caught a pokemon before receiving yours, Petilil has been registered as your starter for when the Unova League starts next week.]
Like so many other times people have tried to force this cliché in, you’ve compounded the problem by focusing so much on her having to yell at the trainer that you didn’t consider if it made any sense.
The final bit establishes she knew all along she’s yelling at someone who was traveling without a pokemon at all, not someone who foolishly let their one protector get hurt, and you don’t suddenly become more in danger traveling by picking up a pokemon that just isn’t useful. More, since she goes on to explain this means the character missed out on a starter, meaning starter pokemon are standard for people who don’t have a pokemon, she should be easily able to work out that the character probably didn’t find a completely uninjured pokemon and catch it because it sounds like it’s understood you generally need to injure a pokemon with another pokemon before capture. And even if somehow she thinks it’s plausible the petilil was caught in perfect health and then became injured, the starter thing is also strongly establishing that trainers only have a single pokemon when starting out. Since they have to use that pokemon in battle to catch others, there’s only so much they can do to avoid that one pokemon getting injured.
The only really plausible thing that might be worth objecting to is if the pokemon had been injured for a while and that had worsened their condition, but even then it should be pretty obvious that’s exactly what a pokemon that was found already injured would look like, to the point that even a particularly suspicious person would at least think to first ask if that’s what happened or not before yelling at the trainer.