As an overall theme, people not really getting the concept of a hook, whether the issue is about failing to deliver on what’s brought up in their summary, failing to deliver on what’s brought up in their first chapter, or failing to even have anything to fail to deliver on.

Also, a smattering of uncomfortable sexual issues of the authors.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14181603/1/PMD-Unchanged-Unchained

[I should have listened.

I laughed in my parents’ faces instead. They said getting an art degree would be useless.

Hoo boy. They were right.]

I mean, at this point in time it’s pretty easy to do digital commissions, and between improved programs and the internet, it’s also far easier to do self-published comics and animations, so while it’s still probably not something you’re going to be making a great living at, it’s far easier to use it for something. The bigger issue now is not that it’s useless, but that art schools are some of the priciest while earnings are some of the lowest.

And if you want a miserable character getting crushed down by capitalism, having student debt bad enough they’re working both a regular job even with commission money would cover it better, as well as being more specific, than just the tired old lol art degrees are useless. Plus, if they were committed enough to art that they actually got a degree, that should be a part of their personality. They presumably have more of a personal interest in their work than just that it’s “art” – a specialty, an opinion, an expectation of what they were going to do beyond just some sort of job doing something arty. Someone who’s struggling to make ends meet doing furry commissions is very different than someone who had their heart set on making movies at Disney and won’t accept anything else.

[Being a bit late is the least of my worries as I take a green lab coat and a hi-vis vest out of the duffel bag, eyeing my hastily prepared lunch of a single ramen cup before shoving the bag into my rusty locker. The coat goes on first, covering a somewhat clean graphic tee depicting a lone swordsman on a hill. Then the vest goes on, completing my mostly neon look. Management needs to be able to see me at all times for “safety reasons.”]

But then, if you want someone complaining about their soul-sucking capitalist job, you should maybe not have them showing up late secure that nothing will come of it then whining that their job actually cares about wearing safety equipment.

[“Oh- whoops-” My gloves! I quickly slip them on, grimacing as I note the little holes in each of them. I need to get them replaced, and work won’t pay for them. It doesn’t matter too much as long as I don’t get stabbed in the fingers, I suppose. ]

Now this does sound pretty bad – but it also sounds like a straight up OSHA violation. You’re setting up that he accidentally touches something, but it seems the easier way of doing this would be that there’s gloves provided, he grabs ones and realizes they’re damaged because someone else didn’t want to fill out the tedious Form 242: Damaged Safety Equipment Replacement Request and just put them back in the pile, and he doesn’t want to go back and get another pair because he thinks it’s not a big deal, as foreshadowed by him thinking his other gear is for “safety reasons” and not safety reasons.

[I groan, pausing the music as I set the bin to the side and brace my hands into the… sand. Not floor. Sand. Okay.

Sitting up… I’m on a beach. With the music paused, I can hear the gentle gushing of waves as they lap up on the nearby shore. Tiny islands dot the horizon, and the sun hangs low in the sky beyond them. I squint in the light as I stand all the way up, wordlessly trudging over to the water’s edge.

My reflection in the water is the same, just sandier. I take the hint and brush myself off before turning around to see what lies inland. Dense forest, packed with a variety of trees. Pretty much what I’d expected. That little winged egg pin sent me here, that much I know.

Where I am is a mystery, so it’s best to keep focusing on what I know. I kneel down, back in front of the bin, and start digging in it for that same little pin. “It was… no- under here? What…” It’s gone. I can flip the bin over and search through the sound stuff like that, but part of me doesn’t want to wreck what’s in there any more than it already is. I go to reach for the stuff that had previously spilled from the bin, but a voice makes my hand freeze.]

I wouldn’t say no one would react to something impossible and amazing happening by immediately and without hesitation trying to block all of it out and focus on undoing it, but it’s definitely a pretty boring reaction, and also it’s about a third through the fic and presumably the end of the real-world section, and the whole art degree thing hasn’t had any impact. He doesn’t have any sort of art-related response to his surroundings, or even an “woo, escaped the drudgery of my not-art job!” moment. When the first line of your summary is “This story stars Robin, an art graduate employed in a painfully not art-related job. ” it really seems like the art or the non-art job should have a little more impact on his personality and reactions. Right now, it seems like it’s just a ton of overly elaborate justification to get him standing next to the conveyer belt the macguffin was on, when it’s just a job that people could have without needing explanation, and also the macguffin could be anywhere else and it couldn’t change things.

A PMD story where the character stays human does seem like it opens up a lot of fun potential directions, but there’s no sign within the rest of the chapter of where you’re going with that. So, not only did it not really follow through on the hook, but it’s coming right after you introducing a bunch of elements you ended up not really using, which just leaves the impression that the human thing is more likely to be another thing that’s just textually there and not really used in an interesting way.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14181618/1/Title-pending-Vulpix-SI

[I was reborn as a Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Imagine my luck, being hunted down so some rich noble bastard can turn my fur into some scarf for a bitch he likes!]

This is pretty misogynist to write. A guy does an actual bad thing = referred to badly. A woman exists in that same man’s vicinity = clearly, as bad or worse. You didn’t even bother to say “a bitch he likes asked him to”.

[I sighed, as I watched my breath become visible due to the cold.]

Okay, what you appear to be writing is that his breath’s visible and he’s sighing as that happens because he has two sets of lungs or something, instead of that he sighed first and then saw his visible breath, or that he saw his visible breath and then sighed about that. But you really can’t breathe out and sigh about it at the same time. Also, you seem to be writing this as if his breath only recently started to fog, but that usually happens at much higher temperatures than freezing, and if he’s a vulpix the temperature difference should be even more extreme unless as a fire type his lungs are a lot drier, but in that case his breath probably just won’t fog up regardless.

[And yes, you probably figured out that I’m not in modern Pokémon where the worst thing is poachers would catch and sell me to the highest bidder.]

Modern pokemon has said pokemon are killed for their parts since the very first installment and never stopped.

[A goldeen jumped into the air as I unleashed 6 fire bullets, hitting in the face.

…

“Gotcha bitch!” I screamed out.]

Seriously, this is really, really obviously a problem you the writer have and not a character thing, and it’s something you should think more about.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14181710/1/Heroes-in-Unova-Pok%C3%A9mon-s-Base-Conversations

[1) The conversations will be written in script format. I know that, because of the guidelines, that kind of things aren’t allowed in this site, but it’s the only way to see the dialogues like if they were in the Fire Emblem Wiki. ]

Yes, the guidelines are more or less to prevent exactly that. Your story should not look like it’s a page on a wiki in the first place.

Also, posting a non-story as a chapter like you’ve done here is also banned.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14181887/1/The-Wishmaker

[WARNING! THIS STORY CONTAINS M/M ROMANCE, VIOLENT AND SEXUAL THEMES IF YOU ARE UNDER 18 PLEASE DO NOT READ!]

It is a really, really bad idea to say that homosexual romance is inherently inappropriate for children in a way other romance wouldn’t be.

Also, the M rating does not, in fact, mean no one under 18 should read it. It’s the mature teen label. If you feel very strongly that this is not appropriate for any kids to see, you should not be posting it on this site at all. Archive of Our Own has an E rating for outright porn so you could use that if that’s actually what this is.

[A Snivy  ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[That’s right, I’m studying abroad in the Hoenn region to become a Pokemon trainer. I understand 18 is a strange age to want to become a Pokemon trainer and yeah it totally is but I wanted to get my regular student years over and done with first. Most people opt for trainers school first because you can get a licence to own more than two pokemon and be able to battle with them, plus it only takes an age requirement of 14 years and one year of trainers school to officially get your licence. Back when my parents were 10 apparently you could own as many pokemon you wanted without having to even go to school, but I guess the Pokemon league chairman thought that letting uneducated 10 year olds fight organized criminals with an army of superpowered creatures probably wasn’t a good idea so he passed the law that you have to be educated to be a pokemon trainer. ]

This is a bad idea for a lot of reasons.

The most basic is if you want your character to be interested in being a trainer at an older age, the higher you move the official start point, the worse an idea it is. All you had to do was say he went out like everyone else at ten, decided that he was done with it and went back to school shortly after like just about everyone else does, and now has decided he wants to do it more seriously.

Also, spellcheck.

[Besides, I’m sure Snivy and Pikachu would get way stronger battling trained Pokemon rather than the wild Pokemon we are legally allowed to battle. ]

This is also a terrible worldbuilding idea. Battles between trainers are significantly safer than ones with wild pokemon because if you lose to your schoolmate in a battle at recess, nothing happens while if you lose to a wild pokemon, you now have an angry wild pokemon with no way to defend yourself. It also means that there’s almost no actual trainers, which means that he’s not actually going to have much chance battling since most people should be in the same boat as he was about it being illegal to fight him.

[“Master Luis, Do you have everything packed for tomorrow?” Our housemaid Gisele asked]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14181971/1/Smile

[They decided together that they would do their full education first, and commence their gym challenge, complete with traditional starter selection, the fall after.]

I really do not know why you felt the need in a fic where it never comes up in any way to pause and to try to say they’re totally eighteen for it, really really, They’re not, this doesn’t make sense with anything we see in canon, I can only assume this is some sort of concern it’d be problematic for them to be younger except people insisting that the smaller characters who act like kids around the bigger adult characters are totally eighteen is actually when it gets creepy, not kids existing.

[“Hello Hop.” She says without prompting, as if she talks all the time and Hop can’t count the number of times he’s heard her speak on his fingers. (Which he absolutely can, by the way.) “Are you excited?”]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

While I think the overall idea’s a neat one, Swsh seems like a really weird choice to go with. The bare minimum dialogue choices you get in it are still a lot more than the way you’re characterizing her before that, which even gets brought up right here by Hop – I think it’d still have worked if you had her speak more often in Hop’s recounting, and I think if anything you could make it more unsettling how she goes from almost entirely silent to brief moments of seemingly normal chitchat than if it was consistent – but also, they actually finally did animate the PC’s face in that one and it’s no longer a near constant flat smile no matter what’s going on like it was in SM and earlier. What’s here makes it seem like the player is possessing Gloria and they’re causing her to emote far more than she does naturally, which just confuses things, especially when you add she’s suddenly smiling normally. (And that could work too, but in that case she should probably be even more empty and weird and talk literally never before the player and their ability to pick dialogue choices arrives.) And Hop’s interactions with the PC also have a lot more going on than an uncomplicated childhood friendship or just wanting to have a fun adventure together. This seems like it’d have worked better set back in BW with Bianca or Cheren narrating.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14182261/1/Juno-Bloom-in-a-no-man-s-land

Capitalize your title properly.

You really did not need to post this and your other prologue as individual chapters. This isn’t even a hundred words.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14182492/1/Scarlet-Streams-of-Violence

[the Director of your new school]

[his Mother  ]

[ the Pokemon world ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[‘Thank Arceus I was smart enough to hop in the shower beforehand! ]

So aside from this not being a thing in canon, there’s the part where he isn’t even from this place. You would not, upon waking up in another world, decide you needed to immediately swap arbitrary words out of your vocabulary to make it pokemon flavored. If you said thank god to yourself, you would just keep saying it.

[“I’m on it, Mom! Coming down now!” He called ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[He smiled at the sight of his Mom turning around to greet them. She was a very beautiful woman, but if he had to describe her in one word he would choose pretty over anything else. She had the sort of natural beauty that models tried their best to capture using expensive products. No need for fake lashes, wigs, or makeup.

Her figure wasn’t the most eye-catching, sure, but she was a great woman. Her eyes alone were captivating enough to pull anyone in, and her smile was enough to light up an entire room. He used to joke that her sunny disposition must have replaced her need for a Flash Technical Machine.]

Why is he suddenly narrating precisely how fuckable or not his new mom is. Why did you decide this. Why didn’t you just keep it to the final lines about who she is and not the rest of this creepy mess.

Also no, whatever the you’re picturing as natural beauty is makeup too. There is no natural beauty that can be semi-mimicked with really expensive makeup, there’s just makeup and makeup you didn’t realize someone was wearing. Maybe just don’t pause your story to explain makeup is fake and you only like natural looks but also no uggos in the first place.

[As part of your admission to Uva Academy, we offer new students the opportunity to foster a new pokemon as their partner.  ]

Fostering is a temporary word, and yet for the rest of this you seem to be describing it as functioning exactly like a permanent starter and he says he’s going to own the pokemon he picks.

[ Its name was Fuecoco, and was a male pokemon. He had procured a fallen apple from a tree nearby, and was blowing a small flame on it. Florian raised an eyebrow as he cheered at the burnt and smoking apple. Florian couldn’t tell if he was a budding pyromaniac, or if they just enjoyed their food extremely well done.]

You need to figure out how you’re handling their genders and be consistent with it. If you’re making a point of what gender each pokemon is, it’s probably best to just use he or she. If that sounds like it’d be hard for you to keep track of, which it certainly looks like from how much you’re jumping around here, then use either it or they, not both, for all pokemon.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14182791/1/The-Galarian-s-Rabbit-Problem

[a Pokemon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Cripe Cindehace, wot’s gotten inta yeh?” She asked ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Also, phonetic accents are terrible.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14182948/1/A-new-adventure

Capitalize your title properly. Also, consider a title that tells people anything whatsoever about your fic instead of something used thousands of times before.

While this is indeed a hundred word drabble as advertised, and that’s nice, it’s not much of story in any other way, and you have numerous spelling and grammar errors. You should focus on writing a good story first.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14183017/1/Early-Autumn-Cutting-Winds

[The seasons are respected and celebrated in the land, they are considered a blessing from Dialga, who ensures that no happiness be eternal, nor any pain be never-ending. There is a time and a place for everything, and this is a freeing belief to be had.]

The legendaries people know about in modern Sinnoh are the lake trio. The others are referred to as ancient myths people used to believe in. Moreover, Mesprit is directly claimed to be connected to sorrow, pain, and joy and people having or not having a given emotion, while Dialga’s only connection to a recurring cycle is just time moving forward.

[Since Barry had not managed to be placed in any time slot for the Tower Challenge that afternoon, he had asked her to join him in the stands, so that he could study and strategize the most efficient way to beat his father when the time came. Rather, he is there to mock the losers and jeer at the winners, and she had been enlisted to find any productive points that he could eventually leverage.]

Okay, so “rather” does not work here, and this generally reads weirdly. I think what’s going on is you’re losing track of your sentences. I think what you meant here is probably more like:

[Since Barry had not managed to be placed in any time slot for the Tower Challenge that afternoon, he had asked her to join him in the stands. He said he wanted to study and strategize the most efficient way to beat his father when the time came. It turned out all he intended to do was mock the losers and jeer at the winners, and he’d invited her so she could find any productive points that he could eventually leverage.]

[“Are you cold?” The teen asked his girlfriend lovingly.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[ from the Pokémon attacks ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14183020/1/Lost-in-a-Strange-World

[ if it was an earthquake in California, a Tornado in Kansas, to even the Hurricanes that hit Florida. She saw them. ]

You should only capitalize words if they’re proper nouns, which are individual names. Florida is the specific name of that one particular state, but hurricanes and tornadoes are what we call any storm that is a hurricane or a tornado.

This is not a good first chapter. You introduce an interesting idea of monsters causing disasters only she can see, but then you just stop.

[But soon… something strange would happen. Something that would change the world… forever.]

This is not a cliffhanger. You didn’t even get as far as establishing the cliff.

Moreover, your author’s notes spoil any possible suspense about what it means that there’s monsters doing these things by saying it works like Digimon all the way down to that those monsters can’t ever stay here too long. Now, you don’t need that suspense – it’s perfectly fine to tell people up-front how things is going to work if you don’t plan to develop that mystery and are going to be focused on other aspects. But in that case, your first chapter should be getting into those aspects, instead of solely containing “hey, mystery danger monsters! PS here is the full explanation of the mystery”.

I wonder if one of the many pacing issues seen in fanfic is that a lot of our traditional way of looking at stories is that everything’s a mystery, and a lot of the particular subculture traditions of fanfic are that you can tell people up-front what’s going to happen in a story and they’ll still enjoy it, and at the intersection you have people missing that you can enjoy knowing what’s going to happen if you get to read it, and you can enjoy anticipating the answer to a mystery if it’s a mystery, but not a couple lines of non-mystery with nothing else to go on.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14183054/1/Snow-Where-to-Go

[“I’m sorry Miss, if you’ll please join that line over there the airline will help you get re-booked and return your baggage to you,” a well-mannered flight attendant authoritatively spoke. ]

You want “said”. “Spoke” does not actually work like that as a speech verb.

[the disheartened redhead pleaded ]

[ the flight attendant sweetly offered, ]

Now, speaking of speaking, your dialogue is getting the situation across just fine – but as a result, following that clear dialogue with such over the top narration is coming off as cartoonishly exaggerated. You also should only use epithets when they’re relevant to the situation – that the flight attendant is a flight attendant is, but Misty having red hair isn’t. Please, just use “Misty said”. Maybe “Misty pleaded” at most.

Oh Mew, my mom’s going to kill me if I managed to miss another flight!” A worried voice exclaimed as the flustered human sprinted up to the empty gate Misty had just walked away from.]

This isn’t how people talk about Mew, and we particularly know Ash doesn’t – Ash in particular doesn’t even recognize Mew when he sees Mew at the end of the first movie, just “ooh weird pokemon”, so he certainly wasn’t raised in a belief system that involved Mew.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

I would suggest a beta reader. You’re jamming a lot into your sentences and it’d probably read a lot better if that was spaced out and dialed back more.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14183116/1/Rouge-and-Cerulean

[“Boy, whatcha crying about?” He said

“I feel like an outcast because I don’t have the Malicious Armor.” said Cerulean as he was wiping his tears

“Then why didn’t you ask someone to trade it with you?” said the mentor

“I did, but they all rejected my offer” said Cerulean

“Are you sure that you asked EVERYONE? There may be someone who wants an Auspicious Armor and may want to trade it” said the mentor]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Also, all sentences need to end in some form of punctuation.

This exchange doesn’t make a lot of sense because the entire problem is that the mentor chose to give Cerulean and only Cerulean the other armor, instead of letting them pick what they wanted or even handing it out equally. If he wasn’t trying to get Cerulean to use it, he shouldn’t have set the situation up.

If one character is causing a problem, it’s a good idea to have a different character be the one to offer a solution. For example, if his parents gave him the armor and then it was his mentor who hinted that he’d missed out on someone willing to trade, that would make a lot more sense for everyone involved.

See, this is what an actual kid’s story looks like. It’s really not about if someone hit spellcheck or not.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14183193/1/Wanderer

[the Southeast corner]

[ first Pokemon]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Oh Ashy, I’m sorry.” Delia said softly, “It’s just that today will be the last time I see you for such a long time, please just let me have this.”]

[“Kids these days.” He muttered to himself fondly]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

I’m really not sure what the point is of Ash both moving to another region so he’s there for the start of his journey and also none of the things that happen on the first day for Ash happen this time around. You don’t even have his mom behaving like his mom.

[Ash’s eyes widened with excitement and awe as he saw the pokeballs, he had been waiting for this moment for years. Beside him Dawn and Barry were in a similar position, equally as nervous as Ash would be at receiving their first pokemon.

Sure, it wouldn’t be the Charmander he had always wanted]

Okay, if Ash moved to Sinnoh years ago, and is only ten now, then “always” doesn’t seem like it makes much sense in the way it would if he’d only just moved and was missing out on a charmander as a result, especially since it’s not like he’s actually being stopped from ever getting a charmander. Also, Ash didn’t always want a charmander. He was indecisive about what the best pokemon was. I really don’t get what the point is of saying it’s Ash but not Ash’s personality, or his mother’s, or the events that happen as a result of those things, are in play at all. Seeing the version of what goes wrong if Ash oversleeps in Sinnoh would be a lot more entertaining than “Ash” does nothing wrong and everything goes as planned, and also, if it’s an OC why don’t you just say it’s an OC?

There is a whole lot of story after this, but there wasn’t much point in continuing.

The one time I asked someone to explain what was up with the Ash-except-not-at-all-Ash, the answer I was given was because it lets you skip explaining bits you don’t care about by having them assumed to be true to canon Ash, except that they never seem to use any of the character at all. It’s more like there’s a very boring fanon trainer that was collectively made up, and unfortunately no one involved realized that’s what they were doing, and so they just assumed it was basically Ash.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14183260/1/The-Birth-of-a-New-Generation

[The curtain of gloom draped over the lab was unbearable. Serena, always the believer in Ash, shattered the ice cold silence with a round and soft voice.

“Ash and his team need us all to support him, you guys who are good at battling must come up with something. Just something to do so we don’t sit here doing nothing.”]

You should keep dialogue and the narration talking about who’s saying it together in the same paragraph. So, for example, the description of Serena speaking is better placed in the same paragraph as the dialogue she’s saying here.

[“Truth is, there’s almost no solution to the battle right now.” Everyone was surprised to see Clermont talking in such a manner, “Aside from Pikachu, none of Ash’s new team has been trained close to the standards of Leon’s veteran team.”]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[a Pokemon and it’s trainer]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

“It’s” means “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[“What about… what about… you guys know who I’m talking about, right?”

Serena’s head perked up, “Yes, that would be perfect, a multitype team and an experienced battler! But, how would we get that person to help us?”

Dawn’s face turned into a big cheery smile, “No need to worry, I know that person personally, and Ash does as well!”

Chloe could only gasp at the thought of her new friends knowing that person, that person had long became a legend and disappeared from the public eye.

Ash realized the person who could help him, an established and experienced figurehead in the community with a powerful multitype team. But they haven’t been in contact for years, over a decade since they last saw each other.

Dawn had wasted no time in deciding the solution.

She pulled Ash from behind, and urgently told him,”Come on Ash! If we want to find that person, and let alone train with, we need to get a move on right now!”]

Trying to avoid in name in dialogue like they all suddenly realize they’re in a story and have to avoid using it in front of the reader is incredibly clunky. The only way it could work is if Ash really has no idea and they’re teasing him as he keeps saying, “What?” and “Who?” and “No, I don’t know who you mean, who?” while they’re doing it. Otherwise, if it’s just to hide information to the reader, you’re much better served by switching more into the narration where you can do stuff like say [Dawn told them the name that had popped into her head. “Perfect, right?”] without actually telling the reader the name in the process.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14183284/1/The-battle-for-Monarch

“Battle” should be capitalized in your title.

[Ash and Pikachu are leaving pokemon. ]

When you’re referring to the specific show named Pokemon, then it’s capitalized as the show’s specific name like any other name.

[“I didn’t think I would see you here, professor Kukui.” Professor Sycamore said as he shook hands.]

Similarly, here “professor” is functioning as the title part of Kukui’s name, and so should be capitalized along with the rest of it. “This professor is Professor Kukui.”

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

This is of the weird subgenre that is someone mimicking an anime battle episode and not actually doing any part of that any better than the anime in the process.