Bunch of trainerfic. One of those where trainers are starting late and there’s almost none of them because what better reaction to criminals having pokemon than to ensure everyone else remains easy pickings, one of those where worried parents are sure the best way to protect their kid is to make sure they definitely don’t let the kid get a pokemon early and train it up first, a lot of not actually caring at all about the pokemon themselves and not actually going anywhere much with the the first chapter. Also one where it’s someone dropped into the forest and killing a pokemon to get another pokemon on their side and one where the isekai’d person gets dropped into Lillie.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13790559/1/Midnight-Club
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[ If I know Buneary, …and I do!]
You really shouldn’t have a comma followed by an ellipsis like that. Just the ellipsis would be correct.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13790651/1/Invictus
[A short girl of thirteen years sat on the floor of her bedroom, staring at her television; transfixed by what she was watching.]
Trainers start at ten.
Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or “mom” – if you’re using it as her name, it does get capitalized.
[Gyrados]
Gyarados. I’d recommend adding pokemon words to your spellchecker.
[It was an interesting match-up from Ashlyn’s perspective, having studied her brains out for the day she would get her very own pokemon able to recall that Gyrados was a water and flying type whereas Dragalge was a dragon and poison type. ]
Okay, so I actually quite like a lot of how you’re writing about Ashlyn, you’re both selling that she’s excited about this and making it kind of infectious, but, your actual sentence structure often reads like you took two different sentences and slammed them together without fixing up the grammar to make them into one. I’d really recommend a beta reader. For this sentence, I think [It was an interesting match-up from Ashlyn’s perspective. Having studied her brains out for the day she would get her very own pokemon /she was/ able to recall that Gyrados was a water and flying type whereas Dragalge was a dragon and poison type.]. Also, “she knew” sounds a lot better than “able to recall”, and it’d be a good idea to get more into her head about why this type match up is so interesting – the readers probably know what their types are but they don’t know what exactly Ashlyn will think of it (and if a reader doesn’t know off the top of their head what types a pokemon is, they’re definitely not going to know what those types might mean to the battle.)
[‘To beat a mega-evolved pokemon like that…it’s amazing!’ Ashlyn thought quietly]
Don’t use ‘ for thoughts. It’s too close to ” and makes it look seem like this is spoken aloud, which is the opposite of what you’re trying to convey. Italics or [they thought] is enough to make it clear.
[It had already been a couple of months since Ashlyn herself turned twelve, though she and the rest of her graduating class had had to postpone their starting date as trainers. Usually trainers set out on their journeys upon reaching their first decade, but certain circumstances within the pokemon league had forced them to postpone that date.]
Nope! Trainers start at ten.
You’re taking something we know ten year olds can handle and then writing a story where your main character has a bunch more experience. A ten year old getting thrown at problems for a thirteen year old – fun! Exciting! A thirteen year old getting thrown at problems for a ten year old – not so much.
[Over the course of the last two decades or so the Indigo League was forced to delay or even entirely cancel starting dates for new trainers after having just come out of a major world war -dubbed the ‘Shadow Wars’.]
And this is just making it worse. You’re saying all sorts of cool stuff is going on that a ten year old would really struggle to handle… And then that no, your story has people making sure that we won’t get to see that actually happen.
(To say nothing of how clear it should be, these days, that people are not really going to upend long held traditions over a little child death.)
[Instead of ten, trainers would get their pokemon and licenses at the age of thirteen. And only after passing several different survival and pokemon care classes with high enough marks. It was an arduous process with only three available slots, but Ashlyn had done it and now she would be one step closer to achieving her long cherished dream.]
So their response to getting overwhelmed by criminals with pokemon is to ensure there are almost no ordinary trainers who have even a chance of fighting back, and then further hamstring them by making sure they get a three year handicap. Plus you’re actually discouraging people from learning survival skills if you make it clear there’s almost no point in attempting the class given the majority will fail.
Now, if this is secretly your government being evil and trying to strangle independent trainers because they’re too much of a wild card, that would be interesting, but even there the whole “only three” thing is utterly ridiculous. Not only is that far too few trainers to even pretend to keep whole system running for them, but if this is supposed to be about safety, while would you have a system where there’s a chance for three complete failures to get through if everyone else that year does worse, when you could just say people need to hit a high score? That even allows a much better way of slowly legislating trainers out of existence by making the test harder and harder each year.
[This just in, a group of criminals has been stealing pokemon from trainers and townsfolk near the scope of Viridian City.]
See, this is what I mean. What trainers? One or two? No wonder they can steal from regular townsfolk easily.
Also, I don’t think you mean “scope” there.
[“Really, now. If you can’t even keep track of such important events, how am I expected to believe you’re ready to handle your own pokemon?” Oak inquired]
…
[Oak nodded, looking a bit doubtful of his own claim. “Truthfully, I hadn’t really been planning on giving it to anyone as it’s a very difficult breed to raise-“]
…
[I wasn’t planning on allowing a trainer to have this pokemon in truth. It’s really not suited for ‘novice’ level trainers, plus they are a difficult species to train even for the most skilled of veterans. ]
Okay, look, yes, we all know that all you want is to throw a rare cool pokemon at the main character, but for god’s sake, could you pretend it makes any sense? If you want to do a whole song and dance about how only the most talented could handle a larvitar but she’s getting one anyway, don’t have her be late and definitely don’t have Oak talk about how being late is a huge deal that calls into question if she’s even competent. Have something go wrong on Oak’s end. That’d also be halfway original instead of yet another late because the character just was who needs reasons for anything.
Also, no, he’s not “inquiring”. If he was inquiring, he’d be actually wanting to know the answer instead of already having come to a conclusion. If what you mean is “said”, say “said”.
[It’s skin]
“It’s” means “it is”, “its” is possessive.
[Holy Arceus! ]
Nobody worships Arceus even in Sinnoh, and nobody worships anybody in Kanto. If you want to include the background radiation of religious cursing you’re familiar with from your own life, I’d strongly suggest just admitting you’re assuming the world is Christian instead of weird and canon-violating crypto-Christianity as if that’s the only way any culture in any universe could ever be.
[ Oak’s smile became a bit nostalgic. “Yes, I suppose you do have a point. Delia’s been teaching you well, hasn’t she?” Delia Ketchum had been one of his most promising students in her younger days, working alongside him and Spencer on numerous occasions. The aged professor could recall quite a few instances where Delia was able to solve things not even Spencer could. Then she became a mother, and her daughter became her everything. There were no hard feelings when she and Spencer moved onto different things, the later of which moving out to Johto to start a family of his own.]
Speaking of background radiation, if you’re going to suggest the horrific level of sexism that is woman going “well I’m a mom now, time to completely give up on any part of having my own life! :)” you could at least stop short of having the only commentary on it being that Oak nobly doesn’t hate her for the mild inconvenience this was to him when he got to have a family and become a famous professor.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13790774/1/Close-Bonds
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Okay, so the idea of a kid looking human but having traits like that as a result of her parentage (which works particularly well given Pokemon’s established system of cross-species pokemon breeding resulting in a baby that’s of the mother’s species with no visible differences) is really cool. But.
[But, had anyone looked into it further,
Perhaps they wouldn’t have been surprised
When she addressed the Hawlucha sitting at the dinner table
As “Father.”]
It sure doesn’t sound like this takes much looking into, though, if she’s casually acknowledging a pokemon as her father. You list off a lot more subtle clues that everyone’s noticed and speculating on, but somehow they miss the part where her mom has a pokemon that fits the bill, likely doesn’t have any human husband in the picture, and that he’s treated getting treated as her father?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13790945/1/Pokemon-Lyric-Collection-Gens-2-5-plus-Anime
So, I see why you’d feel it’s better organized this way, but non-story chapters are banned. Also banned is songfic itself – crediting does not do any good. I’d really suggest you post this elsewhere – the enforcement on this site is a crapshoot, but you also won’t get any warning, it’ll just get deleted.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13790951/1/Transmorphic
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Really can’t make sense of this. If you’re writing something that’s part of a broader story, you either shouldn’t post it on its own or you should make sure to include the missing context.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13791038/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Shiver-Me-Timbers
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“Morgan huh? That’s a really weird name,” Skipper said with a tilted head. “Like really weird. What even is a Morgan?”
“It’s not that weird, it’s a cool name where I’m from,” Morgan said with a deep frown. “Back home, everyone thought I had the coolest name in existence. I made friends just because of my name.”
“Must have been some weird home if everyone thought you were cool because of that name…” Skipper said quietly.
Morgan grumbled to himself. This was a first for him. He was always the coolest dude around because of his name. Morgan. That was a seriously awesome name. He had to thank his parents for giving him such a good name. He knew names were different in Pokémon worlds, but he didn’t think they’d find his rather human name weird, unnatural. ]
…okay, see I thought Morgan was just being defensive and exaggerating in response like a dumb kid when he started going on about how great his name was and how everyone else loved it. But this leaves me with the sense the PMD world is the more normal one and whatever place Morgan came from does not work anything like the real human world or any fictional one I’ve encountered before either.
[It put him in such a bad mood, in fact, that he didn’t even tell Skipper he used to be a human. He knew he probably should, that was always what humans were supposed to do after meeting their partner, but he didn’t care. Besides, what did it matter if Skipper knew he was once a human? Did it really affect the plot that much to know he wasn’t always a Pokémon?
The answer was that yes, it did affect the plot very much, but Morgan didn’t want to realize that.]
Well, that’s a bit of a twist on the regular formula.
[“Sure,” Morgan shrugged]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13791218/1/The-Kanto-Arc-The-Kanto-Three
As it’s an acronym for original character, it should be “OC” not “Oc” or “oc”.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13791457/1/Cross-the-Line
I continue to have nothing much to say about the human cast.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13791565/1/Brother-of-a-Gym-Leader
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.
[This year, I’m going to do the gym challenge. I’m twelve instead of eleven though, since I didn’t want to do it last year.
Oh yeah, never mind, I wanted to do it. Overprotective parents. Dangit. ]
This is bad usually, and is so much more nonsensical when this is the younger child and their older sibling’s a gym leader.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[Today I had nothing to do. I put my usual outfit on (a baseball hat that had Milo’s sunhat colours, a white T-shirt with green dungarees and brown boots) and walked downstairs.]
It’s true diaries can be full of banal, banal text. But that’s why diaries are not inherently interesting to read. If you want to tell a story through diary entries, you need to figure out a way to make that work.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13791891/1/Cynder-s-Adventure
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.
“It’s” means “it is”, “its” is possessive.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“I’ve put a lot of thought into it, and my choice is the water type, Piplup.” I answered, and the professor picked up the Poke-Ball that Piplup was inside of.
“Well then young Cynder, heres Pipup’s Poke-Ball. And heres some Poke-Balls and here’s your Pokédex.” Professor Roan said, handing me the said items. I smiled and thanked the Professor.
I skipped happily out of the lab, I then let Piplup out and we began riding on my bike into the forest. On the way I explained to my partner Pokémon what my dream was, and she agreed happily.]
And what would Cynder have done if Piplup didn’t agree? Why, if her agreement has any value, didn’t Cynder ask the three pokemon who was interested instead of choosing them still in the pokeball without even seeing them?
Such a Lucki.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13792138/1/They-shall-kneel-before-me
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.
[Lusamine resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “And how will this help? Not to mention the fact that this Pokémon only knows the move Splash. How do you create a training program for a Pokémon that only knows a useless move?”]
Okay, so the thing here is, game canon actually makes this pretty trivial. There’s rare candies. There’s the old send the pokemon out and then swap it trick, and while the most recent spat of games have exp shares as just a thing inflicted on you, it’s a physical product produced in the pokeworld in most of them. Plus there’s double battles, and then outside of the game setup, that all strongly suggests having a pokemon out and just watching a battle also gives it some experience.
Now, obviously you don’t want all that, but it’s canon so you kind of have to interact with it to some degree. You could say in your author’s note that you’re ignoring all exp share systems and pokemon don’t get experience for being sent into battle on the opening turn and then swapped. Or you could say that stuff does exist and they already tried it all, but Nebby’s semi-ultrabeast nature means it doesn’t work quite like a regular pokemon. (And it’d come a bit less out of the blue if Lusamine had made attempts to strengthen Nebby using artificial methods but it didn’t work.)
[She said that the Cosmog they had was too weak to provide them with the energy necessary to open Ultra Wormholes. While it sounded plausible, there was a contradiction in Lillie’s explanation. Cosmog itself came from an Ultra Wormhole. Now, unless there happened to be another Cosmog on the other side of the portal, it meant that the Cosmog they had was fully capable of opening Wormholes itself.]
Also…this really doesn’t seem like it’s that strange an alternative. They know the wormholes are still forming even though they’ve got this cosmog. Not only could it have been caused by another, stronger one, but it could be that opening the portal was a group effort between two or more. Really, Lusamine should already have worked this out – if they’re doing repeated experiments, then they’re trying to figure out a way to channel/store up the currently insufficient energy, because just doing the same thing over and over isn’t an experiment.
If you want your main character to come off as smart, you need the other characters around her to be intelligent enough it means anything for her to be smarter. It’s perfectly possible for Lusamine and Lillie’s plans to both be plausible but for Lusamine to agree to Lillie’s because it’s less of a risk – either it works, and they have a solution, or it doesn’t, and they can go back to what they were doing. You don’t need to have Lusamine to be ignorant of pretty much every fact about the situation to make this work.
[No doubt, her daughter wanted to have Cosmog to herself. There were plenty of reasons for her daughter to wanting the little Pokémon to herself, and none of them mattered. There was only one thing that mattered. Was this Lillie’s way of trying to run away from home? It would certainly fit her modus operandi. Unlike a certain boy, Lillie thought things through before committing to anything and was usually capable of suppressing her more childish impulses.]
…
[So cold. So calculated. Lusamine felt a shudder run down her spine. She couldn’t say why, but something about the way her daughter spoke of the matter unnerved her ever so slightly.]
Conversely, you know what Lusamine’s terrible at? Actually paying attention to Lillie.
If Lillie has been acting the part of the dutiful daughter who has no thoughts but working in her mother’s interested, Lusamine should not be able to suspect anything, because that’s already what Lillie is to her. By all appearances she couldn’t figure it out even when it was regular Lillie who wasn’t perfectly obedient every second. She’s a crazy narcissist. She’s more capable of questioning if the sun will rise tomorrow than if her daughter means it when she acts like the only person who matters is Lusamine.
This is doubly true when we know Lusamine did not see Lillie’s runaway attempt coming. Canonically, one of her kids stole a pokemon and ran off, and unlike your Lillie, Lillie presumably did not rat out her brother just enough in advance to prove her own loyalty, and yet, Lillie was able to pull off the exact same thing a few months later. (Arguably, she’d have failed without Nebby’s teleport, but then, we have no evidence Gladion didn’t get any help from the pokemon he stole, which could actually battle.)
Lusamine should be extremely intelligent but have massive emotional blindspots. You’re writing her almost exactly opposite, keenly attentive to every twitch of Lillie and able to speculate on Lillie’s motivations, but a complete moron who needs to get the concept of pokemon leveling up explained to her.
[ But the perils of being a trainer were the least of Lillie’s worries. Yes, she had Lusamine’s blessing to take Nebby with her. In return, her mother expected to see results in a reasonable timeframe.]
Right, but she’s actually really bad at getting Nebby back. Lillie slips the leash by just not contacting her mother, and the only reason she has any trouble months later is because she has no other pokemon she can use to defend Nebby and, even more importantly, because she doesn’t take the obvious route of just walking up to the police and turning her mom for so, so much illegal stuff due to being an abused kid with zero self-esteem.
(Now, if she wants to play out the game plot, then she’s a bit more constrained… But I’m not sure what real benefit there is to that, because the plot isn’t particularly complex or at risk of being derailed in such a way that something worse happens. There’s plots where things going wrong early on are necessary setup for eventual victory, but this isn’t really one of those.)
[Now, if these were the games, all Lillie would have to do was to turn on the experience share and level Nebby up until she evolved. But real-life wasn’t that easy. The games were limited to numbers. Those numbers did not exist in the real world.]
Why not? The basic setup is pokemon gain experience through battles, ie, experiencing battles. I mean, that’s why it’s called experience. It may not be literally numbers, but if experience isn’t tied to leveling up and it’s just about physical training, then all the talk about how just training over and over in the same small area doesn’t work as well makes no sense – that’s like saying gyms don’t work as well at building muscle as running around. The exp share we see in the majority of the games is some sort of psychic helmet thing, which is in line with other items that exist – Type: Null itself involves a super tech helmet on an already cyborgized pokemon – and it doesn’t function meaningfully differently than making the real world decision to just have Nebby out and “taking part” while another pokemon actually does the fighting. Fighting a bunch of battles and having Nebby level in the background should be completely possible, and even if it isn’t, I don’t see how Lillie can actually know if she’s never had a chance to try.
Also, her thinking things will work like the games and then having to scramble to adjust her plan when it turns out they don’t would add tension that having things seemingly go just as intended is currently lacking, and make for a much more naturalistic way of addressing the questions of why none of the ways you can deal with this in the game will apply here.
This is one of the least robotic isekai-self-insert I’ve seen, but it’s still got the core problem that all the characters seem far too similar. I think that’s why they largely only vary in how smart or stupid they are at accomplishing what they’re trying to do. Everyone has access to about the same information and interprets in about the same way, and everyone’s basically operating rationally with emotions having little to no impact, so all you’re left with is competence and goals to differentiate people.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13792459/1/The-Eternal-Journey-of-Ein-Zeus-Rainbouzoir
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“Oak. Sending test subject Omega. Give it to the next beginner trainer. That’s a direct order. Call over.”]
…
[Listen to me carefully boy. I will give this to you under certain terms. Do you understand me?”
Ein nodded. “Yes professor! I promise to take great care of this Pokemon, or my name isn’t Ein Zeus Rainbouzoir!”
“Sure. Whatever. You take this and you take it as far away from this town as possible. If anyone asks, you found it. You didn’t get it from me. We never met today. And if you try to screw with me I swear I’ll make you regret it.”]
This is definitely an intriguing twist…except for the part where you don’t actually get to him opening the pokeball by the end of the chapter and instead spend the last third of the fic having a bunch of people pile up intending to challenge/beat up your main character, then get distracted arguing with each other so he wanders off. It really kills any momentum you had.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13792481/1/Julia-Six
Well, dropped into a forest is definitely a more interesting opening than usual.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[If I help the one about to loose, maybe it would be amenable to teaming up… at least until I manage to find a way back home.
I took a deep breath and slowly brought out my terribly inadequate pocket knife]
Okay, so it’s possible you mean for your character to be making weird decisions, but, I’d think throwing a rock would make a lot more sense here. Stabbing involves getting up close and it’s also just psychologically hard to stab if you’re not experienced, and on top of that this is, as you say, a tiny pocket knife. It’s for cutting things, not stabbing. Even picking up a big rock and just trying to bash the poochyena’s head in seems like it’d be easier both mentally and practically than jamming a tiny knife into a specific target, and doubly so when it seems so unlikely that the blade is big enough to actually reach the brain through the eye.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13792579/1/The-Pokemon-Journey-with-Mewtwo-Brother-my-Brother-2
[their destenies]
Spellcheck.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[I stared at Mewtwo: “No, I’m too old for that,” I said. Sure, I will soon be 34. The trainers who started their journey in the Pokemon world were 10 years old.
~ You are never too old to fulfill your dreams, ~ said Mewtwo
I sighed deeply. I felt silly catching Pokemon when I was 30. But Mewtwo took the initiative. With its telekinetic powers it let my pink backpack float in my arm and then clothes, supplies and other things that I might need for the trip floated into the backpack. Then it teleported me right away. We both suddenly saw each other in front of a Pokemon laboratory, next to us was a city sign with the name NewBark Town. I stared at Mewtwo, speechless.]
I’m also speechless that Mewtwo, a pokemon who knows full well other pokemon are intelligent people just like they are, not only sees no issue with her becoming a trainer who catches pokemon to own but is actively making it happen.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13792677/1/PMD-Flowerbeds
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[Champion Leon turned back to Schilly and replied,
“I’m the Galar region’s Champion, Leon! Me and Charizard, and all the rest of our team, will use all our knowledge and experience to crush you completely!”]
This should all be on the same line.
[ He let out a deep sigh,
“I’m sorry it’s come to this. But it’s you who forced my hand, Leon. You refused to listen!”]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[its a legendary weapon]
“It’s” means “it is”, “its” is possessive.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13792885/1/Competitor
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[James I’ve already told Gary he will have to get his own Pokemon apart from his starter. Now, is everyone here?” Professor Oak asked.
The four nodded at the same time, each of them excited to finally be getting a Pokemon.
“Very well then, follow me.” The Professor said, motion the four of them to follow him.
As Ash walked through the lab he noticed other scientists who smiled at the four of them. Everything in the lab looked expensive, the lab had a different feeling from the rest of Pallet town. At first he was surprised a place like this wasn’t in one of the major cities, but Professor Oak had explained to him once that he preferred the peace and quiet to the loud and annoying reporters of the cities.
As they came to the room where the starters where Professor Oak turned to them. “By the way I forgot to mention that unfortunately there is only three Pokemon here today. I forgot the fourth starter.” Professor Oak told them.]
Okay, I really don’t get the point of rehashing the opening of the anime but make Ash missing out on a starter make even less sense. If you can’t think of anything better, why are you rewriting it in the first place?