More plotty stuff today.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12322128/1/Fiddlehead

[It means that her bones are weak. If not exercised, they will crumble. If put under stress, they will snap.]

I don’t think this is worded right. Going by the rest of the fic, they crumble regardless and exercise is just drawing out the inevitable a bit, but here it sounds like as long as she takes good care of herself she’ll be okay indefinitely.

[It is five weeks since Fern and I left her home village. For the first time, my eyes are open.]

But abra are seriously the worst starter! If it only takes about five weeks to evolve, why leave early?

I’m guessing the main concerns for pokemon journeys in this world are in the journeying part and not the pokemon, but getting a pokemon for protection is tied to being able to journey across canon, so you need to make it clear if murder by pidgey isn’t a big concern. It might work better to not mention a pokemon journey at all and just have it be a matter of her wanting to travel as far as she can before the end, with any battles that happen being incidental to the traveling part of it.

Universe-taunting starter decisions aside, the writing of this is lovely, and the poetry of the words is all the better for the unsolvable bitterness of the situation.

Zero. Of course zero reviews! Why read this when there’s stories about Ash, but this time he’s smarter?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12322199/1/He-Likes-Black

spoilerz

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12322389/1/Pokemon-Generations-10-after-math

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

One, specifically praising the godawful grammar.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12322497/1/Ash-The-God-of-Time

Write out numbers with letters.

[ a Honeymoon]

You only capitalize proper nouns.

Spellcheck.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[*Ash begins to cry*]

There is no reason why you can’t write things like this as a normal sentence.

Four. One is praising crit.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12322656/1/Will-Somebody-Stop-These-Kids

[He swallowed a pill, which by his admittedly hazy calculations should have bought him another six hours before his body was forced to shut down.]

If you’re writing about a character staying awake for a day and a half and planning to keep going, I’m really disappointed by the idea they’re carefully taking a single pill at a time.

Also, six hours is the maximum for caffeine in your system, and the more tired, the easier it is to pass out even with some caffeine left. Even hazy, sleep-deprived calculations should be enough to know he won’t be getting anything close to a full six hours of wakefulness from it.

[for which Derek was owed 100,000 Pokéyen in unmarked bills (approximately 1,000 USD)]

Either stick to the game’s monetary system or go with one people are familiar with, don’t try to do both at once.

[ Once the Grunt arrived, Derek would rush downstairs and tail him until he found where he was staying, and later he would wire the place with listening devices and maybe a few cameras.]

Why him?

He’s known to Team Rocket. The entire plan is based on him being known to Team Rocket. That means that if he, the person supposedly on their side selling them police secrets, just so happens to be seen tracking the person they send out, they’re going to put one and one together. Meanwhile, someone else would probably be overlooked as just a random stranger, and even if they were noticed, Derek could claim he had no idea how it happened and maybe keep his contact and get another chance.

…also, why did he have to stay up for a day and a half to accomplish this?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[It was Jason. It was his mom’s sister’s kid. It was that one cousin he saw twice a year. In other words, Jason fit square in the broad category of people who were under no circumstances supposed to know that he was a cop who worked Team Rocket.]

As opposed to any other idiot kid poking their nose where it doesn’t belong, who it would be totally fine to explain that he’s an undercover agent.

Honestly, this isn’t even a big deal. He’s supposed to have a police job because it’s how he’s selling stuff out to Team Rocket. Pretending to potential witnesses that could get in the way of his pretend illegal activities that no, uh, the police are setting up an ambush, he knows because he works with them! fits just fine. The only reason this is even a problem is the idea that he’s supposed to tell his family a different job than his cover story, which there appears to be no reason for and exists only to be yet another strike against the idea the police force has any clue what they’re doing.

[Travis looked indignant. “Dragons don’t beat water.”

“On defense, yes they do, same against all the others we’re using.”]

Is this taking place in a universe where pokemon moves don’t exist and battles are just pokemon flinging blobs of whatever their type is?

Presumably it’s the same universe as where the solution to this problem is to lead the children away so that your stakeout is ruined and the criminals get the package while you get nothing.

[Informing a parent of their trainer’s inexcusable decision-making was called ‘The Death Sentence’ in the police force. Legally speaking a parent needed no reason to have their child’s Pokémon license revoked, and a child journeying without a license was officially ‘missing’ and could be forcibly returned home.]

It seems pretty unlikely it’s that straightforward when the kids with pokemon licenses, by nature, have pokemon and will often be more than capable of putting up a fight.

More, this doesn’t make sense. You’re setting this up like because it’s so easy to ruin the kids’ lives he can’t tell their parents, therefore he has no way of getting them to stop and so is begging other people to try to get them under control, as if threatening to tell their parents to get them to fall in line isn’t an option.

[It was rare to see an officer who didn’t give warnings to the trainers before going to the parents. ]

And I doubt this too, unless it’s also rare to see kids with death wishes. Even if you’re pretty into gun ownership, you see a kid staring into the barrel while wondering why the gun didn’t fire, you’re probably going to want their license revoked.

[She met him halfway. “Derek, I’m really sorry, but I looked through your bag.” She held up his badge]

God, he is just shit at this.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12322801/1/Hoenn-Hotel

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

If you’re writing pokemon exactly like humans, to the point that you have a milotic and altaria needing a ride to get across water and reach an island or a metagross getting killed by an axe, there’s really no point in saying they’re pokemon.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12322885/1/Personal-Updates-Not-Pokemon-but-I-had-to-pick-a-category

You did not, in fact, need to pick a category, as you didn’t need to post about what toy you bought.

Three, also cranky.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12322906/1/Instances-in-Imithus

[This will be a series of short stories taking place in the universe of my story “Instance”. Even though Instance is discontinued, I didn’t want all that work to go to waste, especially with how much time I spent on thinking up the characters. ]

Then you should probably have just tacked this on to that one, especially since you go on to say your very setting is a huge departure from canon. That’s not a good fit for posting context-free chunks of story.

[Also, yes, there will only be OCs in this. That’s probably one of the reasons why Instance barely got any views- people don’t want to read fics with only OCs in them.]

That really shouldn’t have been a problem.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

Spellcheck.

Yeah, you really, really should not have posted this separately.

If your world made sense in your other fic, if your characters made sense and had anything interesting about them, it’s not coming through here at all. What’s here is a guy stabbing a squirrel you call a pachirisu and rambling about fallout from events you didn’t explain properly.

why do I keep seeing this whyyyyyyyyy

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12322967/1/fishing

spoilerz

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12323039/1/Do-UBs-Eat-Pokebeans

spoilerz