I got a wonderful Ladystuck fic that will have to get a proper review tomorrow because I am super tired and it deserves better.
Pokefandom does not, so let’s go.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10974398/1/The-Name-of-the-Game
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Speaking of said, use it. And stop using stated.
Also, your dialogue is really stilted. More contractions would help.
Plotwise…the kid who’s not into pokemon is something worth exploring, but this seems to have the same problem as usual, where the sum total of the plot is that the character hates pokemon but their parents are making them do it anyway because people who hate pokemon must be forced to be trainers for drama’s sake, and the mention that they don’t have much money and struggle to provide basic traveling money just makes it more confusing.
[“Both your father and I believe it is long past due that you get over this irrational fear you have of Pokémon. ]
Nothing seems irrational. The kid doesn’t even seem terrified, just wary of injury and, more importantly, otherwise uninterested in pokemon. From what you say, it’s not like they’re unable to leave the house or otherwise impacted by the fear. That it’s an adulthood ritual everyone has to do seems like the closest fit, but it doesn’t have that weight across any of the canons, so you’d have to spend time on establishing what a big deal a pokemon journey and how not going is actually impacting the kid’s life rather than repeating a dozen times that the kid’s parents just disapprove of their child not being a pokemon trainer because they think it’s cool.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10974398/2/The-Name-of-the-Game
Sudden Team Rocket is sudden. And contrived.
I am really confused why you even have the whole hates pokemon and forced on journey thing at all when they just sneak home in time for a second cliché to kick in and then their hatred of pokemon becomes irrelevant. Maybe you were going with the idea the journey was just an excuse to get them away before the attack? But it’d be pretty easy to pick off a lone newbie trainer so that’d be a terrible plan for the parents to try. All things considered, it really seems like it’d have made more sense to just start at the attack and skip them being forced out the door for nonsensical reasons.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10974433/1/The-Global-Champion
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Trainers start at ten.
This is really pointless.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10974433/2/The-Global-Champion
This is basically just a summary of what wouldn’t even be a particularly interesting story. It’s nine lines and it’s just saying she doesn’t like Team Rocket. Your character so far has no personality and there’s no plot, not even the slight thing of the games. If you’re trying to practice writing fanfic, stop posting every couple lines that go through your head as a “chapter” and actually work on having a character and a plot.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10974433/3/The-Global-Champion
And now it’s another summary of events, but at least something happens. Something that doesn’t make sense after everything else unless she’s a gameplayer who can’t handle the slightest difficulty and not an actual person in the world, unfortunately.
Also, “journies” is not a word. Journeys.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10974433/4/The-Global-Champion
It’s not going to stop being summaries, is it.
Eight, all by the same person who apparently really loves the fic.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10974449/1/Ruby-s-Path
Look at what’s uploaded before posting it.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10974523/1/Ruby-s-Path-Reupload
1) LOOK AT WHAT’S UPLOADED BEFORE POSTING IT.
2) Do not post something twice. The “replace chapter” option is for replacing the text of a chapter, not the “new story” option. The names are a clue.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10974753/1/The-Pokemon-World-Tournament
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Battles with no further point are not interesting all by themselves, and this doesn’t change if you say everyone’s using legendaries.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10974775/1/Pokemon-Battle-at-Mt-Silver
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[a Pikachu ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Battles with no stake to them aren’t very interesting. What would happen if Gold lost? Nothing. What happens if he wins? Nothing. So why does it matter what the outcome is?
You flirt with there being a point in the final lines about him realizing this is the kid of a woman he meets in Pallet, but since he was unaware of that the whole time and in fact wasn’t even expecting anyone up here, it doesn’t really matter. If he wanted to beat Red so he’d finally go home to his mother, that’d have had some meaning and there’d be a consequence for losing.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10974781/1/The-betrayal-of-Ash-Ketchum
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Oh god another one of these. You’d think with the million or so written already someone would figure out how to do a non-terrible version, but nope! Just everyone being mean to Ash.
Four. Also, I can’t shake the feeling I’ve actually seen this one before.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10974824/1/Gone-Stolen-Taken-Won
[We owe you this for ending the lives of two of our worse, most incompetent members. So your mother is now gone. She is gone. This is not a punishment this is a reminder, word spreads fast and a singular male taking down any part of our criminal organization alone makes us look bad. We as an organization hope to make this clear. Never mess with Team Rocket again, or the second closest person to your heart will be shot down next. ]
Okay so
[A bloody R was on the envelope, I should have known the moment I opened it that when Jessie and James died in that freak accident this would come back to haunt me…I should have known.
Slowly backing up from the door, the rest of the mail seemed pointless to what had just happened. When I tell Misty, and Gramps, and Tracy, and Gary…they were all going to blame me, then they’ll throw me into jail for killing two people. I won’t get any remorse, I know it.]
What.
Not “oh my god my mom is dead” or “oh my god they could be next” but “all my friends are super huge jerkfaces who’ll assume I deliberately killed people for the lulz and send me to jail and also apparently not even register the whole murder of a family member thing”.
[After the little yellow mouse refused to move to my prodding I surrendered deciding just to leave my entire belt behind]
What.
Why does nothing follow from anything? His mom’s dead therefore his biggest problem is being blamed? Pikachu’s asleep therefore he should leave all his pokemon on his bed?
And semicolons everywhere. Stop it.
Zero.
I wish FFN would go on one of their control-freak kicks and make it so all semicolons turn to commas. Sure, it’d mess up the sentences of the three correctly used semicolons on the site, but at least they’d stop being everywhere.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10974930/1/Life-of-the-Isaac
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Use paragraphs.
This is not really a story so much of a list of why your character is a boring sue. It’s so over the top my only guess is that it’s intentional, but intentionally writing badly is still bad writing and intentionally making an unlikable character is still producing a character I don’t want to hear about.
One, anon.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10975114/1/Curtains
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10975176/1/Guardian
[An almost devilish smile complimented by soft, green eyes, a pale complexion, and curly brown hair easily told be the boy’s name. ]
This sentence really doesn’t make sense.
“Its” is possessive, “it’s” means “it is.”
[ and it resembled the size of a cat, only it looked nothing like one. ]
ABOUT the size of. Also no, eevee look very much like cats. As you go on to say, [ It’s fur, though matted in snow, was a light brown, with cream fur around its neck, with two long ears pointing out of its head. ] Fur, brown and cream colors, two ears on a head, all of these are cat features. The only bit that isn’t a perfect fit is “long” ears, and as cat ears vary in size and shape and you didn’t say how long, it’s still pretty catty. Also a good fit is making noise to call a human for help, then letting a human carry it to a warm house, suggesting it is specifically a domestic cat.
What your character found resembles a fluffy cat with extra long ears. Given we’ve bred cats that look like someone smashed their faces in with a mallet and cats that missing half their legs, that’s not a big deal. If you want to give them a motive to google it, either mention a feature that doesn’t fit the cat theory or have them trying to find out what breed it is. Since it’s helpfully saying the word he needs to google, “do cats say eevee” would be fine and make a lot more sense than thinking typing in the sound it makes alone will solve the mystery of the creature that acts like a housecat must be something totally different because.
[I rummaged through my cupboards looking for something that this work of fiction could eat without dying. Chocolate? Better not risk it. Bread? No… I opened my fridge and saw a bag of carrots sitting in there, along with some fruit that was very ripe. Natural things couldn’t hurt, could they?
I brought the bag of carrots, along with an apple, banana and a peach out to the living room and sat in front of Eevee.
“You’re going to eat now.” I put on a smile, offering a carrot to her. She scowled and turned around, her bushy tail flicking at me. I huffed a sigh. Without thinking I put my hands under her belly, turned her around and shoved the food in her face – all of it.]
I really hope you never encounter an actual cat or something, because wow.
The eevee has just shown she can understand him just fine. He, meanwhile, is still trying to figure out what’s going on. Why on earth would it be a good idea to shove her into a bunch of plants he’s decided a cat thing must like eating because that’s clearly what their sharp teeth are for and then order her to eat them when she refuses, rather than, say, ask her what sort of food she can eat?
Also, the whole “omg so arrogant” bit is coming off somewhere between weird and creepy.
Write out numbers with letters.
[“Cool.” I muttered to myself, still in a daze about everything that just happened.
I have a Pokemon. A fictional, no, a real, live, Pokemon. And her name was Eevee.]
You seem to have already forgotten the idea the main character didn’t know about pokemon, so “have a pokemon” wouldn’t be a big deal, just the general part where imaginary things are now real, and the fact is, there are an awful lot of imaginary things and no evidence it’s just this eevee or just pokemon, so Godzilla could be showing up any second now. The issue should be how this happened, not having Eevee as a pet.
[“Technically, I’m Sylveon now, but yeah. Hi.”
“Hi.” I sat on the wooden floor, taking in as much of Sylveon as I could.
“I evolved,” she said. “Because our, ah, bond, was so close.”
“That sounds incredibly cheesy.”
“It is. I’d rather not talk about it. But there’s another thing I need to bring attention to.”
I ran a hand through my hair, gesturing for her to continue. Sylveon cleared her throat. “Now that I know you’re alive, I was wondering if…maybe…you would, you know, stay here. With me. And everyone else, of course.”
The other creatures around me nodded as I took a deep breath. “Stay?”
“It’s fine if you don’t want to, I mean, it was stupid of me in the first place and you may not even be allowed-”
“No, no, no! I want to stay, Eev – er, Sylveon. …What do you mean, not allowed?”
“Arceus might forbid it. Humans have been here before, wrecked it up good.” A purple monkey with a hand on the tip of its tail swung above him.
“That’s enough, Aipom. My point is, you should be able to stay, since you saved my life. That should be proof enough that you’re a good guy.”
“Do I dare believe my ears? You finally think highly of me! Huzzah!” I threw my hands up in the air.
“Right,” she rolled her eyes sarcastically. “Let’s go talk to him, anyway.”]
God this makes no sense. They knew each other for a short time, much of which he spent thinking she was super arrogant based on posture and only letting her eat one piece of fruit a week, and now he’s acting like they’ve known each other a decade and she spent every day of it saying he was a pathetic loser, and all this on top of her somehow evolving into the affection-based eeveelution. Therefore Arceus gives him angel wings.
This is a good summary of both how pokefucker stuff seems to boil down to “what if I literally owned and controlled every aspect of my girlfriend’s life and this made me awesome and kind” and the category’s more general issues with women!
One review, OC submission by someone who does not appear to have read the fic.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10975250/1/Suspended
[“I can’t keep making excuses for you, Volkner,”she rested the stack of papers on her lap after what seemed to be an eternity. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Two.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10975251/1/No-Going-Back
[(y/n) = your name
(e/c) = eye colour
(fl/p) = flying Pokémon ]
Every bit of that was a terrible idea. Write properly.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Use said.
[“You sure you don’t like me?” he asked, panting and smirking, “I’m sure you think I’m sexy~”
“S-Shut up!” she denied “you ass!”
“Oh, so you’ve been staring at my ass?”
“N-No!”
He laughed more and kissed her again, pulling away only to trail his sloppy kisses to her neck. He kissed there for a little as she whimpered and struggled. Pulling away, he leaned in and whispered in her ear.
“You owe me so much for this ya know. No going back.”]
If you don’t want this to sound so rapey you should probably put a little more effort into the whole consent thing.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10975317/1/Pokemon-ORAS-Revamped
[ our newly hatched Turtwig ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
Zero.