Sciencey day today.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11741114/1/To-Outlive-Mayhem

[The patient was a young boy, not any older than ten. They had found him abandoned, alone, and starving in the streets and took him in. He was sick and weak, and close to dying. Their experiments were highly secret, even the government was oblivious to what the band of scientists were doing. They couldn’t take a healthy person, than the police and the public would get suspicious. So they grabbed a tramp, disregarded by the world and did various tests. He didn’t really seem to mind, or he just ignored the pain. Either way, he was a perfect candidate. ]

No, he really isn’t. Sick and starving are going to mess with all your results. Now, if they grabbed some starving kid off the streets, fed him back up to a healthy weight and medicated away whatever diseases he had, *then* did their evil deadly tests, that’d make sense.

[Dr. Hans let out a quiet laugh. “He’s dying a slow and painful death. I hope that tramp dies today, then I can see the after effects of the injection.”
At these words, Mallory raised an eyebrow. “Injection? What injection?”
The aged man shrugged. “You’ll see in due time. And if it goes the way I plan it does, than we will finally be able to come out. See the sunlight, instead of hiding away like cowards in the dark. We’ll be famous, rich, and powerful once more!”]

Also how are they possibly working together if they don’t know what experiments everybody’s doing? This isn’t how you do science!

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Flames burst into the air suddenly, and lava spurted and splat everywhere on the cold stone ground.
The remaining Pokemon in the area made a mad dash, following behind them was a Typhlosion. In his mouth was a moldy torn piece that was once part of a newspaper. Hot on their trail was a Arbok, it’s mouth wide open as it hissed, spitting out acid along the way.]

Okay, arbok are just not that dangerous. There’s a whole group of them here, and one is able to turn rock into lava with a single hit. Why are they running instead of fighting?

[“He was never going to make it,” Jamie replied gruffly. “That Arbok’s taken twelve recruits now. We have to get rid of him, and soon,” he looked down at the paper.  ]

And this is even more ridiculous. Those twelve weaklings alone should’ve been enough to beat the arbok if they were sent out together, and this isn’t even a surprise! They know this not even particularly strong pokemon is there, they vastly outnumber it, and yet instead of fighting they keep going in and taking weaker, slower pokemon with them before inevitably running for, what, the lulz?

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“That was scary though. He appeared out of nowhere. The other times, he was in plain sight.” ]

I’m now on Team Arbok, these guys are literally too stupid to live.

OH MY GOD MEWTWO IS THEIR LEADER AND THEY’RE STILL SCARED OF ONE SINGLE ARBOK?

One review, crit.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11741230/1/PokeTails

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[A half-woven scarf rested neatly upon her lap ready to be knitted. She’d begun to tailor a new one for her husband after he lost it on the last hunting expedition with his soldiers. Immediately she thought of his delighted expression to find such a gift waiting for him. With a full heart she continued on, dreaming about the prospect of family and a brighter future.
Seconds later a strong gust of wind brushed against her, rousing her from her daydream. The strength of its pull caused her to prick her finger on the needle. ]

Knitting needles aren’t that sharp. The queen in Snow White is stitching with sewing needles.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[As she cried out three drops of blood dripped onto the freshly fallen snow on the black windowsill. ]
[Her skin will be as white as snow, her lips pink as the palest rose, and her hair as golden as the rays of the sun. ]

You’ve also butchered the story’s pattern. If you want white/pink/yellow, then she needs to be interacting with something white/pink/yellow rather than copying the white/red/black setiup (and you can say [The droplets of fluid had mixed with the white powder to make pink-colored mush ] all you like, the fact is blood does not turn snow into palest rose pink). She could go out on a walk and see a pink flower growing from the snow as the sunlight falls on it, for example.

[ Her name, Snow-Yellow, was only fitting for her radiance. ]

You should really, really google “yellow snow”.

Zero.

That’s right, I only just reached Jan 19th and yet it hasn’t gotten any reviews by now.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11741274/1/The-few-the-proud-the-Marines

Capitalize your title properly.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

It’s rather sexist to set this up so that all the male characters are joining the military while all the female characters just sob uselessly, particularly given Misty’s a gym leader. Unless your AU is explicitly meant to be set somewhere where only men are allowed to have anything to do with violence and that’s the major difference your AU focuses on, you shouldn’t take an egalitarian setup and then erase everybody female.

If you just want a way to separate them, having the characters go into different areas of the military would do it.

[gently whipped a tear ]

Pretty sure you mean wiped.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11741519/1/LoveCaster-Collection

A drabble is a word for something written and edited to be precisely 100 words. It’s the polar opposite of something short you threw together.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You absolutely do not need notes informing everybody about when movies unlock in the games and what type a darumaka is.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11741587/1/BAD-NEWS

Not only are nonstory chapters banned, but so is posting something with an ALLCAPS TITLE.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11741783/1/The-Battle-of-the-Ladies

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[By the time it cleared, her Braixen was barely standing after all the somewhat super effective hits and Serena smiled. They still had a chance to win this. With the smile forming into a smirk, the blonde ordered another attack.
“Braixen, use Psybeam!”]

She shouldn’t be thinking the solution is to use a psychic move on a resistant psychic type. You’re writing as if this is Dawn overwhelming Serena’s pokemon before she can even get attacks off, but the actual events are that she doesn’t need to bother because Serena’s giving terrible orders and it shouldn’t even matter.

Three.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11742071/1/Zed-and-Zycron-Shade-Reunification

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[All i know ]
[so i  ]
[think i  ]
[you dont  ]

Proofread.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11742194/1/A-Messy-Attraction

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“That sticky stuff?” Cynthia replied. She had candy floss before when the league had reopened for the year, and it hadn’t ended well. A gale had picked up out of nowhere and blown the stuff all over face and hair. It had taken hours to remove all the stuff and she wasn’t particularly keen on doing so again.  ]
[Just as she reached out to take it from him, a wind whipped up, blowing the floss over her face and hair. Of course. ]

What?

Unless you’re referring to something totally different than the standard spun sugar, this happening once is practically impossible, let alone twice. The very fact it’s sticky means it sticks to itself. You might get a loose strand or two in your hair but the main stuff is going to keep being in a sticky lump of sugar. And there’s no way it could take hours to remove when it’d have melted away into her hair long before that. You can’t remove sugar by plunking it, she’d have to take a bath.

No really, guys, does anyone live in a place where candyfloss/cottoncandy stays in individual strands of fluff? Is this a thing somewhere?

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11742272/1/The-Road-Not-Taken

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Oh, Misty and Brock tried to reason with him of course, they stated over and over again that even though the letter had said his mom had been hospitalized, Prof. Oak had made it a point to say – in all capital letters no less – that Delia was actually fine, and that she’d simply passed out because she overworked herself one day. Just a simple case of overexertion, she’d exhausted herself, it was no big deal. ]

Okay, so why did he even send the letter?

If Ash isn’t in town, then it’s impossible to deliver it to him. If Ash is in town, he can use the videophones at the pokemon center to talk face to face and Ash could then call his mother up rather than just having his quiet breakdown.

Which brings up the next point, why didn’t Ash turn around and walk back to the pokecenter to call his mom?

If the point is just for him to stew in guilt because he thinks this is his fault rather than because he’s especially worried, it’d make more sense for him to have contacted her, be reassured by her that it’s okay, and then continue to feel terrible as he travels.

(Also, he should probably have a better reason for why it’s her fault she’s stressed than that he was a super annoying kid to raise when he was actually home, because from what he’s actually saying it sounds like him being gone has made her life significantly less stressful.)

It’s “okay”, four letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Eight? Huh. But it’s like the opposite of Ash-betrayal. Is it either extreme gets you eight reviews?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11742585/1/Succession

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Unlike other regions of the Pokémon World, Britonia wasn’t inhabited by any indigenous Pokémon. Rather, they were carefully introduced by humans to the various landscapes Britonia had to offer.  ]

You’re going to have to explain how pokemon, a group that includes creatures that swim and fly, somehow couldn’t reach the area on their own.

“It’s” means “it is”. “Its” is the possessive form.

Your prologue shouldn’t be just a couple paragraphs summarizing the place’s history. If this is really important information that can’t be gotten across in the main story, put it above your first chapter rather than posting it as your first chapter.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11742643/1/Dawn-s-Guide-to-Sinnoh-Pokemon

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Hm. If you’re doing this all by itself, I’d say the entries need even more meat to them. You’re on the right track with that, but develop everything a lot further.

For example:

[The shell is made from hardened soil. Trainers need to feel the shell daily to determine their Turtwig’s health. On a healthy Turtwig, the shell should be hard and moist. If the leaf on Turtwig’s head is wilted, it’s dehydrated. ]

So if the shell is soft, or hard but dry, or crumbly, what then? What if the leaf isn’t wilted but it’s yellowing? What if the edges are turning white, or curling? I’d suggest looking up pet care sheets to see the kind of information they have, as well as encyclopedia pages on animals.

And since this supposed to be Dawn talking about her discoveries, more anecdotes would be good and make this more storyish. Right now you just have her talking about Barry being trouble but not what she then got to observe of the actual pokemon the entry’s about.

[Conclusion: Turtwig is a patient Pokemon that I recommend for new trainers who feel anxious about beginning a journey. ]

Also, think more about what a starter is. You say this one affectionately bites its trainer as a rule, and I’d expect kids anxious about starting their journey to have a lot of overlap with kids scared of getting bitten. Another anxiety might be about something happening to their starter, in which case the fact turtwig is the most durable of the three would be a big plus. Lay out who the starter is best for and why instead of just “yeah, the grass type is for newbies as usual”.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11742651/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Explorers-of-Identity

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

It’s an interesting twist to have this start from the pokemon’s viewpoint and involve a patch of peaceful time before the actual problems start, rather than jumping right in.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11742725/1/Battle-of-Marineford-Tenntative-title-will-change-soon

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Crossovers belong under crossovers.

Nonstory chapters are banned.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11742835/1/Rebuilding-Anew

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Speaking of bad capitalization, you really need more than [ the beginnings of The Corporation. ] and [I vaguely remember our flight into The Village. ] Right now this reads like YA dystopian parody. THE CORPORATION is a really successful one and pushes out all others and takes over the government, therefore THE VILLAGE is the last safe place to flee to? You skipped over what actual bad stuff THE CORPORATION did between those two events, why they’d care about some people running off to go raise crops at THE VILLAGE, etc.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11742865/1/This-Random-Thingy

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11743149/1/delta-breeze

[She’d been akin to a vulture preying on the trail of death, which Falkner now realized. Far worse than one, actually. Mandibuzz could be quite sweet if they were cared for correctly. She, however, was a different story. She was an actual parasite; he knew this for a fact, as his neighbors had told him while he was growing up why he didn’t have a mother.  ]

How exactly is leaving her husband a sign she’s a horrible parasite? Are you unclear on what a parasite is?

What the fuck.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11743214/1/Pokemon-The-Lords-of-the-Elements

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[ The island itself was very large, large enough to establish three cities upon it to surround the menacing volcano. ]

This is really confusing. You start off saying [lonely island fortress ], you keep talking like it only just popped out of the ocean, so it’d appear you’re just saying it’s big enough you could have cities. But cities aren’t at all a meaningful unit of measurement and vary widely in size.

This also seems to be shaping up to be not a prologue but starting the story near the end and jumping back, and if so it’s looking pretty dubious – it’s not a good idea to start off with “Plan A has failed” then jump back to a long story of them setting up Plan A and wondering if it’ll work.

Two: ash should have all the legendaries with them and all the girls with whom, he had travelled. make it a harem and pokeharem. it will be the best. that i can bet the best.
if you want, i can also help you(but not much)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11743428/1/A-REST-FROM-TRAVELLING

So, it’s against the rules to have your title or your summary ALLCAPSED. You have done both.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Don’t even put author’s notes in your story’s body.

Three.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11743613/1/Life-of-Lyra-K

Write out numbers with letters.

[When I was 5, I left the only family I’ve ever known…That’s right I had two, but my real, odd human ones are gone. I only have Mohawk’s and Mama’s, who let me go due to curiosity of the human nature (which I still can’t quite understand yet).  ]

This is incoherent. You say “that’s right I had two” without ever saying anything to suggest that in the first place, then apparently her human family is the oddity, then that she was “let go” because of human nature curiosity despite letting go generally involving the person leaving, by one of her two mothers -and whoever Mohawk is.

You absolutely need a beta reader.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

One, which turns out to be by the author saying positive only because apparently they don’t grasp the concept of the noble a/n for whining about only nice no flames.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11743642/1/A-Visit

[You’re here for professor Oak,  ]

If something’s used as part of a person’s name, it’s capitalized like the rest of their name is.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

This really doesn’t seem like a complete chapter. It just cuts off without anything having happened.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11743722/1/100-words-Challenge-Nuzlocke-Edition

[The common 100-words-100-stories some of you might or might not have heard about. Either way – I pick 100 random words, and write something short for each.  ]

That is absolutely not what a drabble is. Drabbles are writing that’s been edited to be precisely a hundred words long, not anything that has anything to do with a hundred.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[But as the Pokémon themselves are the ones performing the battling, the ones who deal the actual blows, shouldn’t they be considered Champion as well as their trainer, if not even more, or even instead? ]

This is badly undercut by the fact that’s exactly how the hall of fame works in the games. They already thought of this. It’s already built in. In pretty much every single other moment of the games it’s all about the trainer, but the championship involves recording the pokemon as champions.

[And then, Professor Oak would me more than proud to register the young boy in the Hall of Fame. And the Boy will deserve it. ]

An established game setup which you seem to be ignoring despite the fic going on about how they’re all a single unit and deserve the credit because it ends with Oak just thinking about registering the trainer and not the pokemon.

Zero. Also, apparently nuzlocke so it’s not clear how Lance even has a team to fight with when Oak is thinking about how a girl just won the championship a few minutes ago and isn’t going to be very happy to be unseated so fast. Nuzlocke: because we felt the existing setup could make even less sense.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11743751/1/Zygarde-and-the-Ghosts-of-Christmas

Oh come on it’s most of the way through January can’t Christmas be over yet?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11743756/1/Stand-Your-Ground

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[She’s well aware that her species are indiscriminate with what prey falls into their pit and will even eat their own kind. Hell, she herself has indulged in a few of her trapped brethren in the past… ]

This doesn’t make very much sense. The reason an antlion’s pits catch ants is because the ants can’t function well in the sand, but the very fact they make the pits shows they’re good diggers. Two trapinch in the same hole might end up fighting, but the hole itself isn’t going to do much to make the trapinch easy to eat.

[ as well as being a time where your chances of running into a Galvantula was somewhat reduced. Being caught out of the sand by a Galvantula is pretty much a death sentence and she shudders at the thought of slowly, and leisurely, being eaten alive…

But she’s got a pretty hefty type advantage on them. She’s not even the sort of creature that’d easily wander into a web, and these guys specifically hunt by charging the webs with electricity which she’s immune to. It’d make much more sense for trapinch to fear being dug up by birds or something.

[as she needs to clog the entrance tight with sand. It has to be able to seal out any water. ]

…really not how sand works.

[Jolting, the little Trapinch doesn’t know what going on. She’s nowhere near the shoreline and no rain should be able to penetrate this far down.  ]

Seriously, sand is porous. That’s its thing. If she wants a dry section, she needs to find a rock under there and use that as a shelter, or else she needs some adaption that lets her make a waterproof seal. If the idea is that the ocean’s getting whipped up by the storm, then she could make a gummy seal that normally works but gets battered apart by waves.

Zero.