Contains what looks like a plausible nuzlocke and so much Ash-sue.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10942230/1/Pokemon-Adventures-Beyond
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Write out numbers with letters.
Trainers start at ten, also the idea there’s a once every three years givaway is crazy and would mean trainer infrastructure would alternatively be stuffed to capacity or lanquishing uselessly. Also, if her friends became trainers literally any of them could’ve caught her a pokemon or loaned her one of theirs to catch one herself.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
[Unfortunately, the Kanto Pokémon Federation changed the rules from this year onward, so instead of Bulbasaur, Charmander and Squirtle, your choices are Smoochum, Elekid and Magby. It’s a real shame, because these Pokémon are not that rare compared to the others. But the KPF decided that it’s safer to begin with baby Pokémon. ]
No, they did not. Let me tell you why.
I actually tried playing the game with a team of all-baby pokemon back in original Silver, thinking it’d be fun. I quickly learned that nope, actually it’s a horrible slog because baby pokemon are made by taking pokemon that generally weren’t that awesome statwise to start with and then creating a weaker version that gets knocked out by a gentle tap and has no offensive power either.
Do you know what else happens in the games? Everyone repeats that in order to travel around safely, you need a pokemon for protection. Pokemon who’d struggle to handle a mildly disgruntled caterpie are therefore a bad choice no one would make.
If the idea was to give new trainers pokemon that were less capable of destruction, then they’d be given pokemon that had less attack power but were more durable to make up for the fact it’d be harder for them to beat a dangerous wild pokemon. Also, honestly it’s hard to believe anyone would even bother to try this when the whole point of being a pokemon trainer is to go catch new pokemon, so anyone who wants to cause damage will still be able to soon enough. All giving trainers a weaker starter does is increase the chance something horrible happens to them before they manage to catch a decent team.
If you just want her to have an elekid, have her like elekid and deliberately get one or get it as a gift from someone. It’s more reasonable for gift-starters to not be as good an idea as the official set.
[“Red”, said the Professor with a sigh. “You know, I wish you could meet him. Of course, it’s been over 80 years since he died fighting the now disbanded Team Rocket. He was a real fighter. The whole Kanto region grieved when he died. But that’s the past. Now, it’s your time to shine Lily. And as a gift for your journey, here, take Red’s Pokédex. Since Red was from Pallet, it’s our town’s treasure. It’s been kept in this lab since then. Due to the damage it sustained during the battle, I had to format it in order to work. But now it’s functioning, and no matter where you go, the software is updated via satellite, which is also how I gather the collected data and store them in my PC.”
“Oh my God, I can’t believe. Are you sure Professor? I mean, it’s HIS Pokédex you’re giving me.”
“What is it, Lily? Don’t you want it?”
“Of course I want it, it’s a great honor. It’s just that, I’m just starting out. Shouldn’t you give it to a better trainer?”
“Lily, you love Pokémon, and I know you won’t make me regret this. Please, accept it as a gift from me.”]
This is terrible. It makes no sense to reuse the pokedex at all, then Oak goes on to say that this is actually considered a treasure of the entire town that he’s casually giving away because of the incredibly rare occurrence of a trainer who loves pokemon.
[ And since Elekid is a Baby Pokémon, he can’t control his powers. ]
And so giving out them considered the safer option because???
[But it won’t paralyze someone that Elekid trusts. ]
You just said it wasn’t under control.
Wandering around getting pokemon really isn’t a plot. The bit about her friends giving up on the eighth badge has potential to be ominous, but you need to get to your point. A first chapter is supposed to be a hook, not a lot of unneeded setup that might go somewhere one day.
Two, and it’s advice. So OT fics get advice and the rest doesn’t? That’s actually kind of pleasing.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10942592/1/The-sky-after-a-storm
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10942643/1/Master-Quest
[This story will be a kind of remake of the first season of Pokémon (I don’t own Pokémon now and never will sadly) to how I would like to see it, meaning that Brock and Misty will be appearing and probably be joining Ash. Also, his personality will be different. ]
So, it’s not Ash, and also you don’t even know enough about writing OCs to understand that so your character’s probably going to be terrible.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
[ (A/N: I upped the ages to make it seem a little more realistic and easier for me to write) ]
A bad decision. The canon pokeworld was safe enough for ten year old Ash to handle. Either fifteen year old Ash breezes through without problem, which is boring, or he struggles with the same thing as a ten year old, which is not realistic and also makes him look like an idiot.
You’re already running into this problem just with the dialogue, as Ash sure sounds like a dumb ten year old. Also, he and his special color talking charizard with electric moves are ridiculous mary sues. A story is not about giving someone a cool thing then having everyone else stand around talking about how cool they are, or watching them beat everyone easily. There’s no tension or suspense in this because the answer to everything is that he’s a sue and he wins.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10942699/1/Reurning-Dawn
You misspelled your title.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10942712/1/Suite-Love
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10942822/1/The-5-Steps-Of-Amour
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10942886/1/Under-the-Rain
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
One, and the end of January 2nd.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943031/1/Legendaries-vs-Robots
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
And eh, this is less humor and more random.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943033/1/Healer-Games
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And hm. The whole weirdly sinister tone makes sense given you’ve said it’s a nuzlocke, and it being something nasty they force on outsiders for entertainment makes the nuzlocke setup work. It’s generally nicely written, the fact she can’t remember how she got there but did come from a generally terrible place means there’s uncertainty about what happened rather than it being obvious they just stole her.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943033/2/Healer-Games
[“Any idea why I can’t use my magic?”
The resulting look made Morgan check if she’d grown a third eye. “Your what?”
“My… My powers. My magic. My ability to manifest energy that affects the world around me through the act of reciting spells and incantations generally pre-determined by far more capable wizards than myself.”
A long silence, then a laugh Morgan dearly wanted to believe was not as condescending as it sounded. “Dear, I’m not sure if you just hit your head in the van, but we don’t have anything like that here. Unless you count Pokemon moves, I suppose.]
This seems like it’s unnecessarily distracting. If they don’t know what magic is, it seems hard to believe they’d be able to do anything to block it, and it’s even harder to understand how they got her in the first place – how do you go into an area where people have magic without noticing that fact?
[And that was just in terms of species. She wondered too what sorts of personalities she’d encounter. Perhaps one like Persey, her magical pet back home. Of all those she’d left behind, Morgan probably missed Persey the most, but honestly, she knew that as long as the little weasel had something to fight, she would be happy. Even dying in combat would be to her as dying from overindulgence in ecstasy, and while that always made Morgan worry, ultimately she was happy as long as Persey was happy.
Perhaps most Pokemon were that way as well. Perhaps they really did enjoy combat to a point that it was worth the risk to them. She supposed it would be hypocritical of her not to support that if so.]
While I like that she’s concerned about it, the fact her one point of comparison is an animal that works exactly like this makes it hard to believe her first assumption would be that they’re forcing innocent animals to fight. Why wouldn’t she start off assuming they’re like Persey until she hits evidence to the contrary, rather than start off uncomfortable and then start thinking maybe there’s no problem?
[“Oh, hi!” she almost squealed, bouncing toward Morgan to greet her. “You must be Norman’s kid, right?”
Ha. The way she said that made it sound like he was her dad or something. How about no. Still, she got the intent. “I would hope so, or else there’s a random stranger wandering through your house.”
The girl, Sera, giggled at this, and Morgan had to admit that appreciating her humor was a good means to a good first impression, even if the girl did seem a bit… excitable.
“I do have to admit, with Norman sponsoring you, I was kind of hoping you’d be a guy.”]
This is really horrible writing.
Look, everyone knows the game opening. Trying to stick as close as possible to it despite your changed setup isn’t a super cute easter egg for readers. All it does is sound awkward and unfitting in your story while being really, really boring because every other author made sure to jam it into their story too.
Also, the constant ~ is getting really annoying. Try to indicate how people are speaking in other ways rather than relying on that so much.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943033/6/Healer-Games
[A/N: Yes of course it took this many words just to get them actually on their journeys, sssshhh.]
Yeah, it could really have stood to be edited better. I get that you’re trying to do suspense, but it’s pretty repetitive to have people doing a lot of talking while only dropping a couple hints. This chapter alone covers quickly a lot of what you’ve spend the last half-dozen building to: the sponsored kids are entertainment and supposed to play along for the press in a very manufactured way, her rival is a nice person, there’s more going on than is obvious. You could easily have cut out most of the in-between stuff and worked the few important bits in around now instead.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943033/7/Healer-Games
So.
You’re definitely good at writing, but this is incredibly slow. Part of the problem is that there’s very little mystery. Everyone knows what a nuzlocke run is, so while the exact details of what’s going on here are still unclear, the reader’s way ahead of the character. That’s okay for a chapter or two of dramatic irony, but it’s the seventh chapter and she’s learned barely anything. Most of the time has been spent on people saying stuff she doesn’t quite get or hammering on the fact that this is all for entertainment value. Too much of it’s redundant.
Worse, seven chapters in I’m not even clear where you’re going with this. You’ve established pokemon die. We know it’s possible to fail the nuzlocke but not what that means for the loser, only that the winners get freedom and fame with the implication the losers get neither or are just dead. It’s not clear if there’s going to be any plot beyond not losing the nuzlocke, or even if not losing at the nuzlocke will go beyond just trying hard to win battles. Since she still has little idea of the stakes, I don’t even have a good idea how far she’d be willing to go if things get worse or if she’d try to escape what’s going on.
I’m not even that clear on her character in general – she seems to have been trained and sent off to battle, but doesn’t seem particularly tough or willing to harm others. I’d think someone trained to kill other people with a battle pet wouldn’t have any trouble with the nuzlocke setup, which doesn’t do much for suspense.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943157/1/The-5-Ways-of-PikaFenn
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943210/1/The-Reason-for-Her-Tears
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
At one point I was avoiding giving just this as a review but I think all that stuff I’ve been saying about how this just leads to worse writing has been proven so very, very right, so.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943368/1/Chaos-Cure
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The student on her left was a girl called Sadie, who had successfully managed to edge her chair a solid sixteen feet away from Janet since the beginning of the lesson and as such was in no position to take anything from her. Ms. Graves was not amused. In fact, she was distinctly unamused, and expressed this in the form of ordering Janet to march herself to the Principal’s office right this instant, young lady. Janet slung her bag over one shoulder and sprung to her feet with surprising alacrity, then strode from the room in silence. Ms. Graves watched her leave with a grim sort of satisfaction, and then turned back to the class. ]
You seem like you’re trying way, way too hard.
[For all of its flaws, Allspice International had failed her yet again ]
Seriously. “For all its flaws” is a setup phrase for saying something opposing it. You seem to be so caught up in trying to have witty writing you’ve completely lost track of what you’re saying.
Your character seems fun – brash trainer who’s really into battling but doesn’t really have the skills is a good setup, and being willing to just assault criminals when her pokemon ignores her is great. But your writing is really confusing and tedious to get through, and the elaborate style conflicts pretty badly with brash-headstrong-trainer fun.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943401/1/A-Burning-Aura-of-Every-Color
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
Two.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943433/1/Life-of-Pokemon-Hunter-J
It doesn’t seem very plausible that a badly abused kid would have been given a rare dragon type, nor that her mother would let her keep it and even provide food for it rather than selling it.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943452/1/Max-s-Pokemon-Adventures-Kanto
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Spellcheck is not optional.
Aside from your title being the same as thousands of others, your setup is also bad in the same way as thousands of others. Trainers start at ten, and there are more than three trainers at a time. The whole being a trainer thing makes no sense if there’s almost no trainers around – there’s almost no one around to fight but wild pokemon, the pokemon centers are empty, the gym leaders sit around all day with nothing to do…
It also makes little sense for Oak in particular to think a test of current knowledge is the best way to do this, given that in various canons he’s more about seeing the bond someone has with their pokemon than their level of education.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943473/1/The-Aftermath-Senior-Year
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Seven. Wtf.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943556/1/Abandoned-Alone
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943602/1/Pokemon-Tarnish-Platinum
This is full of formatting code and also a chapter needs to be longer than a single short paragraph of dialogue.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943602/2/Pokemon-Tarnish-Platinum
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943673/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Endless-Possibilites
[the familiar sound of Pokémon ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943683/1/Amour-of-Betrayal
Oh good god people are still writing suddenly-Ash’s-friends-hate-him fic?
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don’t label flashbacks.
Two, one by the author.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943735/1/Star-of-The-Seas-and-Lands
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[May took a deep breath – in and out – she exhaled. ‘I could get an abortion…’ She thought to herself surely uncertain. But she suddenly remembered what they did in abortions and she immediately abandoned the idea. ‘Nope, nope! Not happening!’
The brunette walked down the empty of streets of Lilycove City as she observed over her other options. ‘Adoption doesn’t sound too bad… however the child wouldn’t know their own parentage and they would be living a lie!’ May got all tense by the mere thought of it.]
Listen, it sounds like you should really not be writing a story about pregnancy because this is just shitting on both women and adopted people now.
Zero.
Fun fact: if you count stories of “realistic” teen pregnancy, the majority involve keeping baby or sometimes giving it up for adoption, despite the fact almost no one keeps the kid and most have an abortion. And, of course, the personal risk in attempting the pregnancy is ignored. This contributes to the fact people generally think that girls should and easily can keep the baby and that all good people reject abortion immediately, so obviously it won’t hurt anybody to just ban it.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943827/1/Soul-Silver-Strangeness
All the humor of this is just from the game’s juxtaposition of serious pokemon and silly description. Your expansions either add nothing or detract from it.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Three.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943864/1/Ash-the-legendary-trainer
Capitalize your title properly.
Another Ash-sue, I see.
Look, do you know why the anime Ash wasn’t the most special and awesome person ever able to do every cool thing anyone could think of and have all the cool pokemon hanging around from birth? It’s because that’s not actually good writing.
Make up your own OC, and give them reasonable strengths and reasonable flaws, instead of just vomiting specialness over Ash and calling it an improvement.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Three.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943967/1/defying-gravity
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Eventually, she and Mudkip decide on Icarus IV. As best as a human with no Pokemon-speech capabilities and a Pokemon with no human-speech capabilities can, anyways, ]
This doesn’t seem worded very well. A human is totally able to say “mudkip” but doesn’t understand the pokemon’s language, and her mudkip obviously understands human speech but can’t make the sounds back, so it’s not exactly a symmetric lack.
You’re also inconsistent with the name – she goes back to using Mudkip immediately and that’s how it’s referred to most of the time.
Also, these aren’t drabbles. Drabbles are 100 words exactly. What you’ve got here are ficlets or such. I really like how you’ve formatted it, and it honestly works better to have some pieces longer than others, but it’s not a drabble series.
As to the bits themselves, they’ve lovely. I particularly like her showing her pokemon how to play with the stylus.
Four. The only explicable time we’ve seen so far.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943997/1/Mew-the-rise-of-a-new-age
Capitalize your title properly.
Write out numbers with letters.
“Its” is possessive, “it’s” means “it is.”
[“You say that mew has been trailing a child?”]
You’re using it as a name here, so it’s capitalized Mew. It’s only if he was talking about “a mew” or “the mew” that it’d be capitalized as you’ve done here.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10943997/2/Mew-the-rise-of-a-new-age
So, there’s not much here. The first chapter was a bad idea, because it means there’s no real suspense here – the character’s confused, but you’ve told the reader who Giovanni is, why he’s there, and what’s up with everything last chapter. Then this chapter, all that happens is he shows up and Mew appears – so, basically nothing. You haven’t shown any actual events so far.
This should be your first chapter, and it should be the opening of that chapter. You should then keep writing and show what happens now that Giovanni and Mew have appeared, have some actual events giving people an idea of where the story’s going, and only then end the chapter.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10944105/1/A-Glimpse-of-Life
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[R: “…Looks rather harmless.”
B2: “It looks too peaceful to be of much use, huh?”
R: “Peaceful or not, our…boss wants it all. Did you get the necessary data?”]
Script format’s banned, and also this is just generally horrible. Write dialogue properly.
Write out numbers with letters.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10944163/1/Pokemon-Crystal-An-Adaptation
[I have decided to write an adaptation of my favorite of the Generation II games, Pokémon Crystal. This is nearly word-for-word an adaptation of the game ]
Yeah, you’re really not the first to think of doing that.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10944401/1/Forced-A-Pokemon-Fanfiction
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I think I’m also her’s too. ]
No apostrophe with pronouns, actually. “Hers”.
[You two are chatting up a storm!” she giggled. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Well, OT from the pokemon’s viewpoint is rarer than the human stuff, so there’s that, but so far this is going pretty predictably.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10944401/2/Forced-A-Pokemon-Fanfiction
Still pretty much plodding along the same ground as usual. You spend way too much of this chapter on Taffy explaining every little thing to Chestnut – you say he was born wild and spent two months wild, he shouldn’t need the concept of “battling” or “moves” explained to him, and it’s certainly not interesting to hear it explained because anyone reading this knows how it works already.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10944409/1/Sea-of-Darkness
[(hello2708: I have nothing against emos! My bff is an emo! I repeat: I have nothing against emos!)]
Aside from the fact you shouldn’t have this in the middle of your story, look, if the people reading this are stupid enough to think the stuff coming out of the mouth of someone you’ve labeled a bully is your opinion, they’d be too stupid to make sense of your author note and you should’ve written something else.
And if they’re not that stupid, they’re going to look at the fact this story is apparently aimed at morons and stop reading, like I just did.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10944514/1/Patience
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Sure!” She yelled back. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Well, it’s nice to see people breaking up amicably, and recognizing they’re just not in love any longer. The writing of this is generally sweet, and it’s really good to see a romance fic where it’s about people being happy with each other and not forcing their presence on someone or being murderously jealous.
Three.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10944527/1/Soul-Flames
[This is the introduction. It’s short. It’s stupid. ]
Then why include it? It doesn’t give me any idea what your story’s about or reason to keep reading. If it makes sense in combination with the next chapter, those should’ve been combined, and if it’s unnecessary it shouldn’t be here at all.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10944667/1/A-Smile
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10944720/1/Red-and-Blue-a-Pokemon-OC-fanfic
[It was a Voltorb. ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Well, it’s nice to see a trainer story that didn’t start back with the getting of a starter, and the summary of a several-hero pileup on Team Rocket is intriguing, but your first chapter really doesn’t say anything more than your summary did. You should probably have kept going at least until people meet.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10945081/1/Change-of-Heart
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10945123/1/the-will-of-fire
Challenges are not stories and should not be posted in the category. Also, write your own fic.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10945135/1/Black-Purple-A-Pokemon-Dark-Violet-Fanfiction
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
A first chapter should contain a hook of some kind about the story, not just people chatting and hanging around. You should’ve kept writing until something actually happened.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10945223/1/Movie-Night-ContestQueenShipping
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10945283/1/AnimeMode-N-O-E-S-C-A-P-E
[A/N #3: I put censors cuz I wanted too. Sorry if you can’t exactly read it but *sunglasses* deal with it]
[I took out the P*keball containing my Arc*n*ne and threw it. ]
Welp, officially the worst fic out of the hundreds I’ve seen these last few days. Bye.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10945406/1/Pokemon-Shippings-Galore
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10945501/1/Secrets-Buried-in-Winter-s-Snow
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10945586/1/Timeless
[“Um… Master,” a Sableye stepped forward, trying to intervene. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Two.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10945589/1/Suzu-s-Angel
[Its friendly atmosphere was prime hang-out of a young Eevee, ]
You seem to have dropped a word or three here. “made it the prime hangout”, maybe?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Unlike the typical wild Pokemon, she didn’t avoid humans or their residents’, but was instead interested in them. Since she’d discovered the city upon wandering from her burrow located just in Cherrygrove’s outskirts, she’d taken an unusual curiosity in the hairless, two-legged beings that resided there, and took to hanging around within the city during the day. ]
If there’s no reason to avoid humans, why do wild pokemon typically do so? Also, given she’s not only hanging out with humans but talking to trainers’ pokemon, why has no one tried catching her?
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
[“You’re wild!?” Pollux exclaimed, his eyes widening. “Then what are you doing in here? You know if a trainer comes through here they’ll want you on their team, right?”
The idea of a human forcing captivity on her scared Charlotte, and she shrank away from Pollux. “No, I just, I like it here! The humans don’t bother me ever!” she growled.]
See, you still haven’t said why that is.
[You’re little freak-show ]
“Your” is possessive, “you’re” is short for “you are”.
Well. It’s always nice to see stories featuring pokemon, and I like that you don’t have her agreeing to go with the first trained pokemon who asks but deciding to continue her life for now.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10945589/2/Suzu-s-Angel
[ But Charlotte couldn’t pull her terrified gaze from the creature’s face. His eyes were sunken deep into his skull, and she could only see them when they flashed in the candlelight. He had no nose, only a gaping black hole where a nose should have been. His cheeks were completely hollow, causing his cheekbones to jut sharply out of his face. A round crimson jewel rested on his forehead, flashing like blood when it caught the light of a candle. ]
Eh, it’s hard to believe that’s universally horrible in a world with hundreds of bizarre monsters, some of which are flat-out ghosts.
It’s nice that she helps him, but the whole thing where she valiantly manages to overcome her horror at his appearance seems terribly forced, and then you don’t really write her managing to free him or them coming up with a plan, someone else shows up and then suddenly he can do the thing he explained was impossible, so he gets out by fiat basically. It’s a lot more interesting to have people figure out a way to solve their problems.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10945619/1/Again
[I used to hope that people wouldn’t think I was weak because, first, I am the champion, second, I destroyed Maxie and Archie, and, third, I wear a leather jacket. No, they think I paid off Steven to become champion, watched someone defeatMaxie and Archie, when it was vice versa (everyone watched in awe at the tiny girl who was winning a battle against two leader criminals.), and they thought the jacket was a black coat that I wore because they were very stereotypical and though all small girls hated the cold]
Everything you’re written and particularly this smacks of misery sue. She’s the champion, so everyone who thought she’d gotten the title by asking nicely would be lining up to fight her, at which point she gets to personally demonstrate her abilities. Pokemon battling is one of those things where it’s really, really obvious who’s competent and who isn’t.
It’s “Latias” and “Latios”.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10945788/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Master-of-Puppets
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I’d told Rinkus when he ordered the Glenwood blacksmith to prepare them for me, crafting them primarily from gold was probably not a good idea; especially when I started running missions after outlaw Pokemon. But, true to the fashion of his people, he’d insisted. And so now I am currently the only Fraxure in the known Pokemon world with gold teeth. I know the priest had had good intentions; I was his charge after all, and in Pepan culture, the amount of gold you had indicated your status. To let the dependent of a high-ranking Pepan go without showing the world how wealthy their household was equated to insulting them. But I’d be damned if my tusks weren’t the most useless part of me now. ]
Was gilding not an option?
Well, having everything blow up in the character’s face is rare, so this is quite intriguing.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10945831/1/Guardian-s-Path
Write out numbers with letters.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10945868/1/The-Legendary-Riolu
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don’t label flashbacks, it should be obvious from context.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
“Your” is possessive, “you’re” is short for “you are”.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10945873/1/Pokemon-XYZ-Legends
This seems like a waste of a chapter. Yes yes, there are three legendaries aligned with different things. Everyone knows that already, and this doesn’t really add anything relevant. More, if any of it will matter, it’d have a lot more impact if the characters themselves found it out partway into the story, rather than just dumping it on the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10945873/2/Pokemon-XYZ-Legends
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
[Yep, her only option was to save up and buy one. ]
[For now though, she’d just have to make do with helping to look after her grandparent’s pokémon.]
Uh, she could just take one of the existing pokemon, have it tackle a wild one a few times, and get a pokemon that way. Catching wild ones obviously isn’t impossible or no one would ever have gotten pokemon to start with.
It might be hard to get a really great starting pokemon this way, but for someone who really wants a pokemon, that should be good enough. Leaving immediately with a subpar pokemon would also be a much more direct way of dealing with her guilt about her grandparents having to provide for her – it’s really hard to believe that in a world where any kid can go off and be a trainer, people would passive-aggressively complain about the cost of raising a kid rather than directly shoving them out the door.
[“Wow! Your own pokémon journey! Isn’t that exciting Rei-chan?” Grandmother exclaimed joyously.
“B-but! I never entered any c-c-contest!” Rei cried nervously. “I-it must be a m-mistake!”
Her grandparents shared a knowing look. “Actually Rei-chan. Grandpa and I entered you.”
“…Eh?” She blurted out dumbly.
Grandfather nodded, “We know how much you love pokémon, and when we saw the ad in the newspaper…”
“Well, we just thought it was the perfect opportunity for you!” Grandmother finished.
Rei sat staring at them for a few moments before stammering, “B-but me, go on a journey!? Impossible! No way! I absolutely can’t do it!”
“But Rei-chan—” Grandmother started but Rei cut her off by standing abruptly.
“Wow, i-is that the t-time? I b-better get g-going!” She laughed nervously, grabbing her bag and a piece of toast. Scarfing it down she rushed out the door, ignoring her grandparent’s calls. She waved goodbye to Billy and to Chirpy, who was sitting in the birdbath with a few of his fletchling friends.
Me? Go on an adventure? She thought as she ran. What if I get sick or run into some bad guys? What if the pokémon doesn’t like me? W-what if Professor Sycamore is really scary!?]
Speaking of, this really all makes more sense if she wasn’t saving up for a pokemon in the first place. She could be staying and working a job rather than get a pokemont, with the excuse that buying a starter would be a big expense too. Her grandparents getting her a free starter by contest gets rid of the objection and gives her more incentive to leave.
And now misery sue abuse. Is there any particular point to the fact some boy is an asshole?
[Hopefully things aren’t progressing too slowly for ya ]
Sorry, but yeah. You introduce a problem (she can’t afford a pokemon and somehow can’t figure out how to catch one), then never mind she’s going to get one, and also some boy is a jerk. How much of this is going to be relevant after she leaves? The first chapter is supposed to set up the rest of the story, not function as optional backstory.
The setup you give her character is decent enough, but I just don’t see how much every one of these details are going to end up mattering. I can see that she might be more money conscious and have low self-esteem at the start, but that’d be better handled by showing her already on her journey and being money conscious with low self-esteem, with mentions of her backstory as it matters.
Two, both concrit. Huh.
Possibly the end of January 3rd!.