A lot of bad. Some good! Unfortunately, only a mere 13 pages today.https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9989842/1/Soul-Flare
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Lysandre was Team Flare’s founder and
boss. He had orange hair and wore a sleek dark jacket outlined in red
trim. His left middle finger had a Mega Ring of his own and now he
had a trio of cybernetic arms sprouting from behind. His eyes were
set in a joyful expression, although hidden by optics. ]
boss. He had orange hair and wore a sleek dark jacket outlined in red
trim. His left middle finger had a Mega Ring of his own and now he
had a trio of cybernetic arms sprouting from behind. His eyes were
set in a joyful expression, although hidden by optics. ]
You really should not be pausing the
scene to describe both your characters, and certainly not to explain
to people who Lysandre is. Everyone already knows, and if they didn’t
they wouldn’t know what Team Flare and Mega Ring and all that mean.
Either way it’s a complete waste of time.
scene to describe both your characters, and certainly not to explain
to people who Lysandre is. Everyone already knows, and if they didn’t
they wouldn’t know what Team Flare and Mega Ring and all that mean.
Either way it’s a complete waste of time.
It’s “gyarados”. If you’re
not sure how to spell something, look it up.
not sure how to spell something, look it up.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
[From his earliest knowledge, he had
known that it was located here and thus set up an underground complex
specifically for the purpose of this moment. It would be savored for
the remainder of his life, which after this, would never fade away. ]
known that it was located here and thus set up an underground complex
specifically for the purpose of this moment. It would be savored for
the remainder of his life, which after this, would never fade away. ]
Your writing verges on word salad. You
desperately need a beta reader.
desperately need a beta reader.
(3)
[his
only Pokemon, ]
only Pokemon, ]
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Lucas
was a growlithe with an odd streak of blue in the white tuft of hair
on its head. ]
was a growlithe with an odd streak of blue in the white tuft of hair
on its head. ]
Don’t
give the main character’s pokemon a special appearance just for the
sake of it.
give the main character’s pokemon a special appearance just for the
sake of it.
[He
had been an abandoned baby that was dropped off on the doorstep of
their house. Eventually the truth came out that everyone in their
small town had seen him turn up on their porch, but each of them
passed him to the next house instead of taking him in. The only
orphanage was many miles away and extremely difficult to get to,
making people unwilling to make the journey. ]
had been an abandoned baby that was dropped off on the doorstep of
their house. Eventually the truth came out that everyone in their
small town had seen him turn up on their porch, but each of them
passed him to the next house instead of taking him in. The only
orphanage was many miles away and extremely difficult to get to,
making people unwilling to make the journey. ]
That’s
a really ridiculous backstory. For one thing, people generally dump
babies elsewhere in the first place, and for another, there are
actual people you can call if you find an abandoned baby, like the
police. Society isn’t yet a hellish dystopia where babies survive
only on the goodwill of strangers.
a really ridiculous backstory. For one thing, people generally dump
babies elsewhere in the first place, and for another, there are
actual people you can call if you find an abandoned baby, like the
police. Society isn’t yet a hellish dystopia where babies survive
only on the goodwill of strangers.
[Supposedly
he was a gift from God, but in reality he was a burden on this
already struggling family. ]
he was a gift from God, but in reality he was a burden on this
already struggling family. ]
No,
they made an informed decision to take him. If you want a kid being a
burden, have him be an accidental pregnancy.
they made an informed decision to take him. If you want a kid being a
burden, have him be an accidental pregnancy.
Write out numbers with letters.
[Though for some reason they had a deep
hate for the government. This hate made them decide to refuse money
that they would have received from the government for their years of
service. ]
hate for the government. This hate made them decide to refuse money
that they would have received from the government for their years of
service. ]
Well that’s totally idiotic. If they
hate their government, why are they ensuring the government gets to
keep all their money so it can do more hated government things with
it? Also this just further underlines that his own wangst about
adoption is stupid – they’re only poor at all because they choose to
be, not because he’s an extra burden.
hate their government, why are they ensuring the government gets to
keep all their money so it can do more hated government things with
it? Also this just further underlines that his own wangst about
adoption is stupid – they’re only poor at all because they choose to
be, not because he’s an extra burden.
[Kyle then considered his appearance,
wondering what people on the road might think of him. Checking his
size and facial features, he didn’t think anyone would mistake him
for anything but the 16 year old he was. He stood at an average
height of about 5′ 11″.]
wondering what people on the road might think of him. Checking his
size and facial features, he didn’t think anyone would mistake him
for anything but the 16 year old he was. He stood at an average
height of about 5′ 11″.]
It’s nice you’re making the attempt to
tie this into the flow of the story, but it doesn’t change that what
follows is just your bog standard infodump, now more awkwardly
worded. Also, if he’s listing his height to the inch, there’s nothing
“about” it.
tie this into the flow of the story, but it doesn’t change that what
follows is just your bog standard infodump, now more awkwardly
worded. Also, if he’s listing his height to the inch, there’s nothing
“about” it.
Well, as overage trainers go, actually
crazy overprotective parents are a pretty good reason. Hopefully
you’ve given thought to avoiding the other pitfalls in the journey
itself.
crazy overprotective parents are a pretty good reason. Hopefully
you’ve given thought to avoiding the other pitfalls in the journey
itself.
(6?)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don’t spend so much of your story on
people talking about boring things that don’t matter. If you have a
plot, you really should start there.
people talking about boring things that don’t matter. If you have a
plot, you really should start there.
[Ryan’s and Kaylee’s eyes were wide in
shock. Ryan swallowed hard, and stepped forward. “H-Hey! Who are
you?!”
shock. Ryan swallowed hard, and stepped forward. “H-Hey! Who are
you?!”
The man seemed to take notice of their presence at this point. He
turned to them and grinned. “What does it matter? In a moment
the two of you will be dead.” Kaylee took a step back. Ryan
looked back at her, a hand on his belt to offer her reassurance. At
the same time Pikachu’s cheeks started to crackle. “But, I’ll
tell you because I like to get the word out. My name is Argus. I
would tell you more, but I think you have more pressing matters at
hand. ” With the wave of a hand, the monster standing next to
him formed a sphere of light from its mouth. “Like this!”
Upon command, the sphere of light released its energy in the form
of a beam that tore through the car. Ryan and Kaylee jumped to
opposite sides in an attempt to dodge the attack.
After the attack stopped, Ryan called out, “Kaylee! Are you
okay?!”]
Also, spend more time on describing
what’s going on and less on idiot monologues. The bulk of this is on
the issue of who this guy is and him wisecracking at them. What is
actually going on is someone is trying to murder them with a
superpowered monster. That should be your primary focus.
what’s going on and less on idiot monologues. The bulk of this is on
the issue of who this guy is and him wisecracking at them. What is
actually going on is someone is trying to murder them with a
superpowered monster. That should be your primary focus.
(1)
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
[Currently she was studying the effect
of power given to children at a young age and what would come them
when they were older. And she could think of only one person that fit
that situation: the spoiled prince of the theater, Gray.
of power given to children at a young age and what would come them
when they were older. And she could think of only one person that fit
that situation: the spoiled prince of the theater, Gray.
She didn’t remember much if him, in fact she doubted that she even
spoken to him as a child but knew that he was spoiled by his parents]
I am really boggling at the idea you
set this in a world where toddlers can own superpowered monsters and
yet you think the best example of power given to kids is some one kid
getting spoiled by his parents.
set this in a world where toddlers can own superpowered monsters and
yet you think the best example of power given to kids is some one kid
getting spoiled by his parents.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
When used in place of a name, it’s
written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it’s
written as such.
written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it’s
written as such.
And now it’s all about the guy being a
dick and outmaneuvering her in every way.
dick and outmaneuvering her in every way.
[“It seems you owe me a debt. You
did break a very expensive vase that held sentimental value to my
family that no amount of money can repair.”
did break a very expensive vase that held sentimental value to my
family that no amount of money can repair.”
“I can fix this,” she said quickly but he knelt beside
her and stopped her hands.
“I think it is a little late for that. I need an assistant
and I think that you will be perfect. You do owe me after all.”
He took her chin in between his fingers and lifted her face to his.
“And if you think to disobey your prince, I shall punish you.”]
Jesus christ no.
(3. Where’s Utena when you need it?)
Stop
capitalizing random words, use paragraphs, generally try harder.
capitalizing random words, use paragraphs, generally try harder.
(0)
[To
save everyone the hassle, I will keep the character as Serena and her
outfit the same, etc.]
save everyone the hassle, I will keep the character as Serena and her
outfit the same, etc.]
What exactly is a hassle about her
wearing different clothes?
wearing different clothes?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
[too much to bare ]
Bear. Generally, this needs to be
better proofread.
better proofread.
(0)
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don’t
use ” for thoughts. It just looks like your character is talking
to themself.
use ” for thoughts. It just looks like your character is talking
to themself.
Look, you really,
really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get
people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but
they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a
hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other
puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the
prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get
people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but
they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a
hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other
puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the
prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
And you certainly shouldn’t have a
“chapter” that’s seventy percent your fishing for
characters rather than actual story.
“chapter” that’s seventy percent your fishing for
characters rather than actual story.
(1)
Hm. A
bit suspicious of how your narration says a lot of things while not
containing much information, but it’s definitely not the usual
opening.
bit suspicious of how your narration says a lot of things while not
containing much information, but it’s definitely not the usual
opening.
A
get-your-starter setup that’s about how things aren’t the usual
professor handout!
get-your-starter setup that’s about how things aren’t the usual
professor handout!
[I
waited until I was fifteen before I made the journey, but trainers of
all ages were welcome. Waiting was probably a disadvantage, actually,
but I hadn’t had a choice—problems at home had kept me in Goldenrod
five years after most of my friends had gone off on their journeys,
and now problems at home were forcing me to follow after them. All I
had to do was win a couple of badges and send the prize money back to
my mother for six months; once I turned sixteen, the legal age of
work in Johto, I was getting a job and settling down. End of story.
Training was an excellent way to die. ]
waited until I was fifteen before I made the journey, but trainers of
all ages were welcome. Waiting was probably a disadvantage, actually,
but I hadn’t had a choice—problems at home had kept me in Goldenrod
five years after most of my friends had gone off on their journeys,
and now problems at home were forcing me to follow after them. All I
had to do was win a couple of badges and send the prize money back to
my mother for six months; once I turned sixteen, the legal age of
work in Johto, I was getting a job and settling down. End of story.
Training was an excellent way to die. ]
A
good reason to start late AND justification for high turnover among
trainers!
good reason to start late AND justification for high turnover among
trainers!
This
is looking very nice already.
is looking very nice already.
And
now even more glorious worldbuilding! Team Rocket doing things to
pacify the population other than murder and maiming! Mewtwo! Destined
starters!
now even more glorious worldbuilding! Team Rocket doing things to
pacify the population other than murder and maiming! Mewtwo! Destined
starters!
Yes,
this is looking excellent so far.
this is looking excellent so far.
[The protective magnetic field around
our planet had been weakening for a while now ]
our planet had been weakening for a while now ]
So there’s more than one disaster about
this dystopia. Funny how one undermines the other here.
this dystopia. Funny how one undermines the other here.
I love how scared and distrustful they
are of their starter. Almost as much as I love how, after all the
talk of not rebellious not rebelling just want to keep my head down
and survive, the plan isn’t run, it’s send my pokemon to claw out an
executive’s eyes while I run.
are of their starter. Almost as much as I love how, after all the
talk of not rebellious not rebelling just want to keep my head down
and survive, the plan isn’t run, it’s send my pokemon to claw out an
executive’s eyes while I run.
(2! Dammit people.)
Write out numbers with letters.
Put spaces after commas.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
Don’t jump between first person POVs.
Write in third person if you want to move around in a lot of people’s
heads.
Write in third person if you want to move around in a lot of people’s
heads.
(0)
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Paragraphing
has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is
not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker
means you start a new paragraph.
has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is
not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker
means you start a new paragraph.
“Its”
is possessive, as in “its story”, and “it’s”
means “it is”.
is possessive, as in “its story”, and “it’s”
means “it is”.
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This
manages to be both rushed and plotless. If there’s a point here, the
story should be starting then, not now.
manages to be both rushed and plotless. If there’s a point here, the
story should be starting then, not now.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
And Oak can
magically talk to pokemon, apparently? Or maybe pokemon can magically
talk to anyone.
magically talk to pokemon, apparently? Or maybe pokemon can magically
talk to anyone.
[.
He pulled a lever that caused his machine to hum and buzz as the
coils connecting the helmets to the rest of the machine began to
glow. “If they are to ever find a better life out there…then I
must cleanse their minds to an empty canvas…” Prof. Oak
declared.
He pulled a lever that caused his machine to hum and buzz as the
coils connecting the helmets to the rest of the machine began to
glow. “If they are to ever find a better life out there…then I
must cleanse their minds to an empty canvas…” Prof. Oak
declared.
Or
put another way, he’s killing them under the excuse of saving them.
This is really messed up and makes me think whoever’s trying to stop
Oak is doing it because he’s an evil mad scientist.
put another way, he’s killing them under the excuse of saving them.
This is really messed up and makes me think whoever’s trying to stop
Oak is doing it because he’s an evil mad scientist.
And
now Delia finds the three animals and somehow knows they’re just
weird-looking kids who should be put in a bed and speak English. Then
despite acting like very young children she doesn’t see anything
wrong with them wandering off to try to find their real mom, even
though they’ve also explained they don’t know anything and in fact
thought she was their mom. Your plot really doesn’t work very well.
now Delia finds the three animals and somehow knows they’re just
weird-looking kids who should be put in a bed and speak English. Then
despite acting like very young children she doesn’t see anything
wrong with them wandering off to try to find their real mom, even
though they’ve also explained they don’t know anything and in fact
thought she was their mom. Your plot really doesn’t work very well.
(3)
If
you’ve giving height down to the inch, that’s “exactly” not
“about”.
you’ve giving height down to the inch, that’s “exactly” not
“about”.
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
The
evil stepmother is an old and largely discredited stereotype. It
shouldn’t be showing up here.
evil stepmother is an old and largely discredited stereotype. It
shouldn’t be showing up here.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
[Dear
LEONARD CAPALDI
LEONARD CAPALDI
This letter is to inform you that in a few days Professor Oak will
be holding a Pokémon Camp to prepare young trainers for their
adventure in the world. There will be a Starter Fee of 1500 to cover
your starter Pokémon, and supplies issued here at the Pokémon Lab.
If you are interested please be at the Lab promptly at six in the
morning on Tuesday the 27th. Present this letter to the guard and he
will show where the meeting room is.
We hope to see you then!
Professor Oak]
So
despite his grandfather telling him that it’s totally possible to
just befriend your way to being a pokemon trainer, it never occurs to
him to ask one of the many pokemon who supposedly love him if they
want to be his pokemon. Instead, he has to go about it the standard
way. So what’s even the point of the other stuff?
despite his grandfather telling him that it’s totally possible to
just befriend your way to being a pokemon trainer, it never occurs to
him to ask one of the many pokemon who supposedly love him if they
want to be his pokemon. Instead, he has to go about it the standard
way. So what’s even the point of the other stuff?
Now your grammar is getting steadily
worse. Proofread.
worse. Proofread.
[“One of you is going to have to
take a Pokémon from the ranch.”
take a Pokémon from the ranch.”
“What does that mean?” Sam asked
“Well it means my dear that I would go over to this computer
over here and grab a random ball out of the PC here and give it to
the one of you who didn’t get a starter Pokémon. I must warn you
it’s completely random. I could give you a Dratini or I could give
you a Magicarp.”]
That’s as stupid as it is an obvious
setup for sueishness.
setup for sueishness.
Good lord you’re seriously having Oak
go on about how nice he is for letting the other kids have the
starters when he’s obviously going to get something on the dratini
side.
go on about how nice he is for letting the other kids have the
starters when he’s obviously going to get something on the dratini
side.
[“Here goes nothing.” Leo
said picking up the red and white ball. He threw it up into the air.
When he did the ball opened and a beam of red light shot out. Once
the light cleared it revealed an Eevee. But this Eevee looks
different to the other Eevee Leo had seen in books. Instead of the
brown and tan fur on an normal Eevee this one was silver and white. ]
said picking up the red and white ball. He threw it up into the air.
When he did the ball opened and a beam of red light shot out. Once
the light cleared it revealed an Eevee. But this Eevee looks
different to the other Eevee Leo had seen in books. Instead of the
brown and tan fur on an normal Eevee this one was silver and white. ]
I was not expecting it to be quite this
blatant.
blatant.
Well, your character is an irredeemable
mary sue.
mary sue.
(What a wasted opportunity.)
(1)
“Its” is possessive, as in
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
[Somewhere in the suburbs of Chicago,
there was a house not too shabby of a look. Inside of the house, it
looked much different from the decor of the hallways and living room
was extremely well-decorated.]
there was a house not too shabby of a look. Inside of the house, it
looked much different from the decor of the hallways and living room
was extremely well-decorated.]
This is a mess. Get a beta reader.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
You really don’t need to waste time on
him in his room or meaningless chatter.
him in his room or meaningless chatter.
[He was thinking out of all odds, why
would there be a random Pokemon arcade game in this arcade out of
50,000 malls in the states? Could it be it was just a testing
location, or was it just pure luck to see it in this mall? ]
would there be a random Pokemon arcade game in this arcade out of
50,000 malls in the states? Could it be it was just a testing
location, or was it just pure luck to see it in this mall? ]
Why on earth does he think this game is
the only one in existence?
the only one in existence?
And why on earth did you think you
needed to put a summary of what we just read at the bottom of your
story?
needed to put a summary of what we just read at the bottom of your
story?
(1)
Drabble = 100 words exactly. It’s a
writing exercise. It doesn’t mean any story that isn’t extremely
long.
writing exercise. It doesn’t mean any story that isn’t extremely
long.
Also, this is terrible.
(1)
There
are seven thousand stories just on this site in this category with
“pokemon” in their title. “New” features in
another thousand. There are over four hundred “chronicles”,
more if you include misspellings, even more with “begins”
and “beginning”, and even more “Character Name”‘s
whatever. There are almost eight hundred with “legend”.
There are fourteen hundred with “journey”, twelve hundred
with “story”, almost three hundred with “quest”,
and two thousand with “adventure”. The different region
names appear another thousand or two times. “Saga”,
“region” and “champion” come in around two
hundred. In sum, you should try to choose an original title that has
to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates
it’s yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
are seven thousand stories just on this site in this category with
“pokemon” in their title. “New” features in
another thousand. There are over four hundred “chronicles”,
more if you include misspellings, even more with “begins”
and “beginning”, and even more “Character Name”‘s
whatever. There are almost eight hundred with “legend”.
There are fourteen hundred with “journey”, twelve hundred
with “story”, almost three hundred with “quest”,
and two thousand with “adventure”. The different region
names appear another thousand or two times. “Saga”,
“region” and “champion” come in around two
hundred. In sum, you should try to choose an original title that has
to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates
it’s yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Your
grammar is atrocious. Get a beta reader.
grammar is atrocious. Get a beta reader.
(0)
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
(4?)
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Shiny
pokemon are incredibly rare in the wild and incredibly cliché in
fic. Having your cast be made up of two shiny pokemon and one even
more special “half-shiny” is outright ridiculous.
pokemon are incredibly rare in the wild and incredibly cliché in
fic. Having your cast be made up of two shiny pokemon and one even
more special “half-shiny” is outright ridiculous.
Semicolons
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
(2)
Don’t
label your scenes, it should be obvious from context.
label your scenes, it should be obvious from context.
Opening
your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and
horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly
dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally
here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you
you should have started at some other, interesting point.
your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and
horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly
dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally
here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you
you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Trainers
start at ten.
start at ten.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
[“Amazing! This is a shiny Deoxys!
You are definitely lucky to have this Pokémon, Neo! It’s not
everyday that a new trainer gets a legendary Pokémon as their
starter Pokémon, and especially a shiny one, too!” said Oak.
(Note: If you don’t know what Shiny Deoxys looks like then look it
up.) ]
You are definitely lucky to have this Pokémon, Neo! It’s not
everyday that a new trainer gets a legendary Pokémon as their
starter Pokémon, and especially a shiny one, too!” said Oak.
(Note: If you don’t know what Shiny Deoxys looks like then look it
up.) ]
This is a trainwreck. Look up “mary
sue”.
sue”.
Don’t
label your scenes, it should be obvious from context.
label your scenes, it should be obvious from context.
Opening
your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and
horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly
dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally
here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you
you should have started at some other, interesting point.
your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and
horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly
dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally
here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you
you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Trainers
start at ten.
start at ten.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
[“Amazing! This is a shiny Deoxys!
You are definitely lucky to have this Pokémon, Neo! It’s not
everyday that a new trainer gets a legendary Pokémon as their
starter Pokémon, and especially a shiny one, too!” said Oak.
(Note: If you don’t know what Shiny Deoxys looks like then look it
up.) ]
You are definitely lucky to have this Pokémon, Neo! It’s not
everyday that a new trainer gets a legendary Pokémon as their
starter Pokémon, and especially a shiny one, too!” said Oak.
(Note: If you don’t know what Shiny Deoxys looks like then look it
up.) ]
This is a trainwreck. Look up “mary
sue”.
sue”.
(The worst part is a kid actually
getting a legendary starter could be such a fun story. Maybe take
advantage of the idea pokeballs have a random chance of working even
on one at full health, and some nine year old is out and chucks a
fastball into Darkrai’s face while it sleeps. But no, it has to be
the usual sue crap.)
getting a legendary starter could be such a fun story. Maybe take
advantage of the idea pokeballs have a random chance of working even
on one at full health, and some nine year old is out and chucks a
fastball into Darkrai’s face while it sleeps. But no, it has to be
the usual sue crap.)
(1)
[The Sinnoh moon glared white like
the semen covering her face. ]
the semen covering her face. ]
You know what? K through T only from
now on. M fics had their chance.
now on. M fics had their chance.
[Not to mentuen, There’s going to be
two points of view ]
two points of view ]
Spellcheck and don’t capitalize random
words.
words.
It’s pokemon, not pok’emon.
Don’t hit enter mid-sentence.
[The officer’s, rightfully taking this
as a sign of retreat ]
as a sign of retreat ]
Officers. Apostrophes are for
possessives, none for plurals.
possessives, none for plurals.
[the adults jail. ]
Same rule applies here.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
Thoughts follow the same rules.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[pallet town ]
This, in contrast, actually is a name.
Generally, your grammar is terrible.
Get a beta reader.
Get a beta reader.
(0)
Re: Some Rise by Sin, I have to admit that the strongest impression it gave me was amusement over the parallels between its beginning and the beginning of Clouded Sky. :P
I was quite charmed by the doom pokemon being murkrow for the same reason!
Some Rise by Sin is surprisingly good, and I think it is the first time I have seen anyone use the solar flare + weak magnetic field in a proper way. After all this Fail!-science it is delicious.
Plus it’s such a genuinely apocalyptic setup. We need the magnetic field!