Yes, yes, I’ll get some done tomorrow as well before I fall even further behind.
Long one today, but it’s not that interesting.
Tresspass (PS, SS (DD, Mindfang, Dualscar, Darkleer, Condesc))
Hm. PS seems a little too spineless compared to the MC gang – if they’re able to be that self-assured despite being kids, I’d think he’d do better as well.
“Look, people have been absent before, kid. Y’know, flu season and stuff.”Slick waived his hand in the air.
“It’s March,” Percy muttered. “Besides, they’re all missing persons. I saw it on my dad’s desk at home.”
If seven kids are missing from just this class, that’s an enormous number of kids total. Even one kid is going to be a big deal in everywhere but the worst areas, and multiple missing kids would be a worry everywhere. And this isn’t something that’s easily kept under wraps, either – anyone who knew any of the missing kids would know they’d disappeared, and that’s before getting into the fact the adults should be running around panicking and giving announcements telling students to be scared of strangers. Everyone at school should be talking about it already.
It’s still possible Slick might not care, but he should know.
“Shit, you’re old man’s a badge?”
Your. You’re is short for you are.
“We found something. A warehouse. It wasn’t all that noticeable, but at night it gives off this faint eerie glow. You wouldn’t see it unless you stared at it for a long time.”
If his dad doesn’t want him involved, he shouldn’t be willing to tell him about things like this. It’d make more sense for PS to sneak a look at his files or overhear him saying this on the phone or something.
Percy jumped and spun around, finding himself face-to-face with Spades Slick. “Oh hey.”
“What’d I tell you about sneaking around our territory?”
“You’re curious, too. That’s why you’re here, right?”
This is underwhelming. You introduce them by the gang threatening him for entering their territory, but Slick decides to hang out with him during class because he finds PS amusing too. But they’re not in class now, it’s back to the thing that originally pissed Slick off. So what if Slick’s curious too, Slick can both stab him now and investigate three seconds later. It’d be nice to see more tension and examples of why Slick’s been tolerating him when he convinces Slick to go in together instead – defusing things with a joke, suggesting he’d be good company, saying he’ll be Slick’s backup, offering to solve the case singlehandedly so the police will stop cluttering things up in Slick’s area, more than just that they’re both there so they might as well.
He looked good in a suit. Wait, why did Percy think that?
This is a really tired cliche that makes your character sound incredibly dumb and suggests you think your readers are too. If you want to suggest PS isn’t aware he’s thinking Slick’s hot, that’s better conveyed by PS holding a running internal monologue of how great Slick looks without realizing that’s what he’s doing.
apparently they sent someone in and he never came back, never even radioed.”
This really isn’t how people act. They’d likely have multiple people going in and if they lost contact, they’d assume the person was attacked and go in after him, not that the place was some weird building that eats people so they should just cordon everything off and wait.
If you need a reason for why no one’s going in so they can do it themselves, it’d be better to say there’s some sort of legal issue due to the warehouse’s ownership and the police are waiting for someone to give a go-ahead. I mean, all they have on this warehouse is that it’s very, very slightly glowing, that doesn’t really have much to do with missing kids.
And after Slick snarled something about bumping into Percy for the third time, Percy reached out and grabbed his hand.
“Look, I know it’s gay or whatever, but this way we’ll know where the other is,” he said,
This should be in the same paragraph, and also it seems weird that a kid currently going through gay panic would be the one to bring it up. It’d probably make more sense for Slick to be the one to do it because he’s sick of running into PS, and PS can slowly obsess from there.
Mindfang’s dialogue sounds really forced. Not really clear what she’s even doing here – she and Dualscar were opponents and she was also opposing the throne in the process.
it’s insides
Its. It’s means it is.
her knew throne
New, no k.
She lashed out at slick
Should be capitalized. This section really is full of errors.
Mindfang is acting like an idiot throughout the fight. She’s stabbed by both of them and only bothers with using her powers after they get in several hits, and it doesn’t occur to her that PS would rather shoot her than Slick. It’s not like it’s hard to guess shooting the person controlling someone will break their control.
There was a symbol on his forehead, looked like the Scorpio horoscope sign. Percy realized that Mindfang had the same symbol on her forehead
Also, I really don’t think that’s a literal thing. It’s really not necessary, if PS has any sense he’d be able to work it out from the rest of what’s happening.
“Wait!” Percy said. He stepped forward, kneeling beside Mindfang and dipping his fingers into her blood and writing on the wall.
THIS IS A WARNING. GET OUT.
…I really don’t see how that’s helping? It’d just piss off whoever found it. After all, if they were capable of backing up the threat they wouldn’t have run off afterward.
PS’s freakout seems somewhat excessive. He wasn’t much of a sancitity of life guy in the comic, so he might be shocked, but this much?
“Yeah, c’mon. You need a ride home or something? God, I don’t do this ‘caring’ thing so don’t get used to it, okay?
That’d really be better shown by having Slick completely suck at being supportive, instead of moderately decent but saying he’s not like this much.
…And now Slick’s doing the generic speech looking over the city and how they’re doing it for that. The bit about wanting to run the place is suitably him, but the setup really isn’t – it’d make more sense in, say, response to PS wanting to know why Slick cared about beating the aliens.
And a week’s going by without anyone doing anything about the warehouse?
The stakes were high again, and this troll… he seemed like he wouldn’t be as cocky as Mindfang.
That doesn’t much sound like Dualscar. He gambled as well in going to the Grand Highblood.
They’re making out now? Really? Look, if you want them to do the going to die makeouts thing, why not before going in because they’re aware there’s a good chance they might get killed, instead of during which just ups those chances?
And now he’s effortlessly captured them and is dragging them around by their collars? What the hell.
Huh. Well, I suppose that’s a way to get them magic powers. Rather abrupt, though.
“Die bitch!” he snarled, darting towards the Condesce. Dualscar got in his way immediately, halting him with his gun and being very careful not to touch him. But why? Slick looked at his hands. They were… on fire. Purple fire. Odd, but, hell if it’d help him out he’d just have to deal with it. He yanked Dualscar’s massive gun from his hands and tossed it aside. “Move.”
Why on earth isn’t he just attacking Dualscar?
This was an interesting mashup, but it’s pretty rough.
Bugs me greatly that Mindfang’s so pathetic compared to Dualscar. At least Condesce manages a good fight.
The Message (Slick (PS))
“Can’t save ’em all,” you tell him. “And me and the Crew aren’t the worst. We keep this place going. ‘S better for it that you let us be.”
“Yeah,” he says, looking up at you. “Yeah. I guess I know that.”
In which the author doesn’t do the best job of convincing me PS doesn’t deserve every bit of the hate he’s getting.
Moves (PS (SS, Eggs))
A lot of mechanical errors in this one. You’re missing half your possessive apostrophes and you’re consistently writing their as thier, among other things. I like it a lot otherwise – you do a good job with the descriptions, Slick’s especially, and the team up makes a lot of sense.
Something Funny With Dick (AD (PS, SS, PI))
In which he attempts to object to his teammates fucking mobsters, then he gives up because otherwise we can’t keep acting like this is totally reasonable.
Noose (Snowman, Scratch)
Lovely, lovely reasoning throughout this. You did a great job of selling the premise and it’s an intriguing look at the both of them.
(PS, SS (DD, Mindfang, Dualscar, Darkleer, Condesc))
(Slick (PS))
PS (SS, Eggs)
AD (PS, SS, PI)
Snowman, Scratch
One of five…