Storyteller Ch1 (Karkat (Gamzee, Feferi?, Eridan, Sollux, Doc Scratch, Aradiacester))

 his horns catching every so often in the long trails of beads and feathers that adorned most of the crowd

I find it hard to believe Karkat of the nubby-horns gets them caught on anything, ever, let alone repeatedly just walking through a crowd.

A little troll girl like that, losing both her mother and her lusus at just five sweeps.

If they’ve still got lusii, it’s weird they’d think in terms of mothers even if they do have a concept of genetic relatedness here. And a major part of Fefei’s lusus is that it dying would be really bad for everyone else. I don’t see the point in changing that.

He shook his head, mumbled a quick “Sorry, fuck you, good fucking day,”

This just makes it sound like Karkat has Tourette’s. He doesn’t just throw “fuck” in anywhere he can.

He was now 6.83 solar sweeps old

Why the sudden exactness?

And apparently he’s a storyteller. That seems random. It’s an interesting story, but not a particularly Karkat one.

It seemed that trolls with jade blood or higher were immune, due to having such strong natural defences. 

But before you said the disease was  touching peasants and noblemen and kings.  Yet the prince is Eridan, the purpleblood, and it seems the queen is Feferi (and if not, she’s still presumably highblooded if she’s related to Eridan) so it seems that blood caste is still in play to some degree.

Storyteller Ch2

EDIT: Sollux now with 100% less lisp, because that was stupid.

Thank you for this, it’s so annoying to read.

Besides, he was aware from Sollux’s constant complaints about his fellow merchants that most of the goods being offered here were sold at way above reasonable prices; for example dyes, which were apparently virtually costless to make, often cost more than the clothes they were used to colour. 

I suppose anything’s possible in a fantasy world, but dyes are generally pricey things. And why isn’t anyone selling them half-off the standard price and making a killing? Usually, if things are especially pricey in one place it’s because there’s some other cost people are trying to make up for, like having to pay a steep fee to have a stall.

Hm, your description of the Handmaid is quite creepy.

Overall, I really don’t see what any of this has to do with Homestuck. The characters read like OCs and the setting is straight fantasy, not fantasy crossed with Alternia or sburb or anything else related to Homestuck’s setting.

Also no real sign of any of the original girls, irritatingly. The closest is the queen who may or may not actually be Feferi.

Tangled Up In Blue (SS (PS))

Spades Slick isn’t really Spades Slick when he’s around Problem Sleuth
Yup.
but the revelations he’s having about it are still his.
No, every bit OOC as the rest.

Spades Slick and the Giant Mistake (SS (PI, PS))

In contrast, this? Pretty IC. The focus is not on how Slick loves PS more than anything, but on him fucking with PI over it, which is perfectly Slick, and doing something major without thinking about the consequences, which is also. And it’s a good explanation for the mobsterswitch verse, if not one that fits well with how people write it half the time – looking at what things would be like if the universe was rewritten to evilPI’s specifications in particular would be interesting.

Authority (Dave (AR))

Oh, this is depressing. You’re terribly convincing that they would really not work well together, and Dave’s self-aware enough that he can tell he’s part of how everything’s coming apart, which just makes it worse. And it’s something that could maybe get better again with time and maturity, but…

I suppose the exilemom verse’s tone was set with the originating fic being misery and sadness.

Correspondence (PM (Jade))

Hm. Very well written, but I wasn’t really convinced by the core premise that Jade is friendless. In canon she’s literally isolated from any human beings, but it’s hard to see how that translates to being unable to connect to anyone except eventually Dave, John and Rose. I suppose the lack of explanation is justified by the idea sometimes kids are shunned and their parents have no idea why, but I kept wanting more of a reason than that. I feel this would make more sense if there was an actual barrier to her being around other people normally, like illness (considering how bad her narcolepsy gets, maybe that?)

Politics (John (WV)) Which I apparently missed? Oh god when I finish doing this I’m going to have to go back through the tags and see if I missed things, aren’t I?

Ah, things fall apart. I can’t help hoping WV eventually gets work under control instead of the paperwork piling up forever. It’s not fair that he should have to choose or that John should have to be a choice.

Doll (Droog (Aradia, Vriska, Tavros, Boxcars, Slick, Sollux))

She small, the size of a child. And he thinks that maybe it 
is
 a real child.

That should be She’s small and something’s gone wrong with your linebreaks. It looks like it’s wherever you italicized something in the story.

And this fic is…well, it’s really very standard, and not particularly IC. Droog was her exile, and he did encourage her toward violence, but that’s not really the same thing as standard parental love.

“Hello,” the voice is flat and cold.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

“Vriska,” she said simply. And of course. That little shit Vriska. The one who got Boxcar’s kid’s legs torn off. The little shit who pushes the other kids around. 

I find it really hard to believe Droog actually has a problem with anyone pushing anyone around. He might hate someone for hurting a person he cares about, but he wouldn’t view it as a sign they were generally a terrible person because he himself is a terrible person who hurts other people.

“Make her pay,” he says softly.
Later, he gently wipes the blood out of the delicate gears of her hand. He occasionally stops and takes his cigarette out to tap away the ash. She watches him, and he can hear the gears whirring through her body. He stops and stares at her her now clean hand.
“ ‘atta girl,” is all he says.
Aradia says nothing.

No, Aradia told him to quit bossing her around, she knew what she was doing. That’s kind of the core problem here, she’s not a mini-Droog. She doesn’t passively obey him. He may have egged her on, but she was already in the robot body that left her significantly more violent than she had been before and she told him to shut up afterward.

According to her, Tavros is sad and withdrawn. He lets her or Boxcar read to him, but he’s not really listening. He cries into his stuffed animals, his shoulders shaking uncontrollably and picks at his food.
Aradia is completely uncensored. She does not seem to have any sort of concept of keeping things private.
“Sometimes, he wishes he was a robot like me, so he wouldn’t have to feel anything,” Aradia states, as she answers math problems that Droog copied from a math book he found in the library. “Sometimes, he wishes he was dead.”

And Tavros is a stronger person than that too, and anyway, Robot Aradia does in fact feel emotions, she’s just restricted to the more negative ones. It’s Ghost Aradia who’s the completely flat one.

Droog’s reaction to her death I found good, though if he was hoping for violent sex I wish you’d given some explanation for why he didn’t seek out Slick instead.

In conclusion, oh my god I hate the Daddy Droog thing and how it reduces Aradia to Droog’s passive little obedient girl, and the fact it seems by now intrinsically bound up with Vriska bashing is not helping matters.

Karkat (Gamzee, Feferi?, Eridan, Sollux, Doc Scratch, Aradiacester)
SS (PS)
SS (PI, PS)
Dave (AR)
PM (Jade)
John (WV)
Droog (Aradia, Vriska, Tavros, Boxcars, Slick, Sollux)

One of seven.