Dec 18th forever

Chapter 31: Crowbar/Die, Mobsterswitch (Crowbar (Die))

Hm. I feel like this might work as part of some longer work, where you have time to show the characterization as part of their broader personalty. As it is, I don’t see much of why you picked these traits – Crowbar the one who doesn’t care about rules seems weird, even though I don’t think there’s any reason he absolutely couldn’t be.

Chapter 32: Droog+Slick, Formal attire (Droog (Slick, FOC))

Monkey Slick is amusing, but trying to present him as having any social consciousness really doesn’t work.

People need to stop making Slick be righteously opposing things. Even if Derse was evil, and even if this impacted him negatively, he would still not give a flying fuck about preventing it for other people because other people aren’t him.

Chapter 33: Droog+Inspector, Punched into next week (Droog (PI))

You’d rather not, you’d like to get back to your Crew and your house and your daughter, but on the other hand this Pickle Inspector looks like he might dissolve into a nervous wreck if you don’t acquiesce, at least for a cup of tea.
Okay, but why does he care?

I really can’t see Droog hanging out with someone for any reason other than because he wants to. Like, if he doesn’t want to go back to the Crew immediately and would rather catch his breath after the punch, then sure, he might go with this instead. But it’s really hard to see him as being motivated by niceness, let alone to the point he’s doing something he doesn’t want to do.

Chapter 34: Dignitary+Jack, Friendship and bacon (DD (Jackspers))

Jack snarls. “Go to hell, Draco, it needed done. War wasn’t gonna end anyway until all the fuckin’ monarchs bit it.”

What about Jack explicitly and repeatedly murdering people because he felt like it seemed like it was motivated by concern about what was necessary?

The Dignitary seems similarly off, too emotional and without any mention of the one thing he did mention in canon he was busy with.

ARG IT’S EVERYWHERE

Chapter 35: DD/PI, GPI meddles (GPI (PI, DD))

Another that’s so deep into fanon it’s really not anything recognizable.

Chapter 36: Aradia, Uncool Dads (Aradia (DD))

Aradia’s voice here is amusing.

and sometimes when he thinks you’re not going to notice he sneaks into your room and hangs your clothes up.

I think Droog is too subdued here, that’s pretty much just normal parent behavior. Buying her replacement clothes that go directly on the hangers and throwing away the stuff she’s trampling seems more how he’d handle this in humor terms, and just hiring a maid the actual solution.

Chapter 37: Inspector+Nepeta, Make-believe (PI (Nepeta))

It wasn’t that he had ADD, or any sort of problem specifically preventing him from paying attention, it was just that he was so often thinking about so many things that he spent rather more time in his own head than he did paying attention to his surroundings.

…that’s a pretty good description of an attention disorder.

“The furr-ocious lionness is resting.”

“Aha. Yes.” He settled in to wait, having had the foresight to fall and play dead with su-do-ku book and pencil in hand.

All of this is adorable, but particularly this.

The general lack of Nepeta is an ongoing tragedy.

Chapter 38: Slick+Karkat, Learning to drink (Slick (Karkat))

Huh.

Well, it’s amusing, and the broad strokes like Slick being so unconcerned about underage drunkeness work, but just doesn’t really sound like them when they talk.

See, it’s so much easier to pinpoint plot issues than character one. It’s why pokemon fanfic is so much easier to mass review.

Chapter 39: Midnight Crew+Kids, Trick-or-Treating (Slick, Droog, Deuce, Boxcars (Karkat, Aradia, Sollux, Tavros))

“Boss you mighta asked for a white sheet for yer kid. I got a few,” Hearts said reproachfully. “Dunno about race-car ghosts.”
“Fuck you, it was the only old sheet I had that didn’t have blood on it.”

Why not use a sheet with blood on it?

Droog frowned. “Personally I’m fairly certain she just wanted an excuse to cut holes in her clothing. She’s rebelling.”
The assembled three looked to Droog, and then looked very quickly away, mostly because they were all trying not to laugh. Even Slick couldn’t laugh at Droog in public, not without getting a cuestick to the face. “Cuttin’ holes in her clothes, huh?” Boxcars rumbled, voice even despite the fact that his shoulders were shaking imperceptibly. “Sounds pretty rebellious.”

…that seems like a kid being rebellious. And since they’re all dealing with kids, not just him, they’d know that. Parents complain about their kids rebelling by clothing choices all the time.

Slick peered at the apple for a second before pitching it back toward the house. Droog said something to stop him, but barely got it out before the apple sailed straight through the front window with the clatter of broken glass. “Apples ain’t candy, asshole!”

Haha, Slick.

Chapter 40: Mobsterswitch, MC stands for Monocular Company (DD (CD, SS, HB, MOC))

Hm, it’s a cute idea.

Ha! So when people say four private eyes it’s a lot more liter – erk.” He blinked down at the scalpel sticking out of his shoulder. Scout leaned down and smiled sweetly before making a show of noticing the scalpel.
“Did I drop that? Heh, butterfingers.”

Seems a missed opportunity for him to not make an excuse about bad depth perception.

Also having it be the PS crew who stabbed Slick’s eye out is so annoying. Are there fics where one of them is behind the lost arm too?

Chapter 41: Slick/Sleuth, Working out details (Sleuth (Slick))

This…seems rather genericized. Why does Slick freak out over the word love? Why does he then do a one-eighty and come back so apologetic he doesn’t even mind PS breaking his nose? Maybe there’s good answers, but this isn’t from the POV that would address it.

You know, I think what bothers me here is related to the same fanon thing I complain about. I don’t think anything here is something that the character couldn’t do. It’s just not anything that’s shown in canon. So, a story could start at canon and build to this, but here the story starts at an unsupported piece of behavior and tries to build off that. The focus of the story is resolving a conflict based on something with no canon basis, so it just doesn’t work properly as a short piece of fanfic.

Chapter 42: Droog, Raising Aradia (Droog (Aradia))

She was so light in his hands, her little legs working in some grubby reflex. His right hand cradled the back of her shell, where her neck joined her body. One twist, that was it. One …
He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t always override his programming, and evidently this was one such case.

Seriously, Droog gets the first kill of the kids. It’s just a really bad decision to make a story that hinges on the idea Droog can’t kill a kid based on something with no canonical basis, and it’s dodging the point of a story – rather than explain how Droog and Aradia interact, you’re invoking author fiat to say that he just has to put up with her, because.

We know very little about grubs, but we know they have to be somewhat self-sufficient because they go through trials before being found by their lusii. Maybe Aradia is the most well-behaved grub imaginable while the rest are unusually whiny, and Droog just drops her in a terrarium initially. And building from there to show him getting used to her, starting to find her interesting or something would make more sense for him coming to actually care about her, rather than having him keep her because he’s physically incapable of killing her and then decides to like her out of familiarity or something.

(Also from what little we do know they probably wouldn’t be much like little human babies needing to be held and stuff. You write babies okay, but why not just make them humans if you want to write human babies?)

Aradia babbled something unintelligible, and pointed a claw to her mouth. Hungry, that was clear enough. So he bundled her up in his arms and carried her into the kitchen with the vague intention of chicken nuggets, even if they were greasy and crummy and sure to get on his shirt.

Finally, why wouldn’t he just stock his house with food that isn’t messy by this point? This story seems to be basically Droog’s existing characterization being subsumed under being a dad, rather that how Droog would be as a dad – and while both are possible ways a person might end up after having a kid, one is a lot less interesting than the other.

Come to think of it, that’s been nagging at me with the whole series – the kids are trolls but the Crew is human for some inane reason, and then it only gets compounded in the various stories that then try to do a plotline hinging on something specific to humans. The whole sex talk story was probably the worst offender at that.

Chapter 43: Slick/Sleuth, Forced cuddling (Sleuth (Slick)) (Hey, does it always get written with Slick’s name first?)

I don’t even know this this. It just reads like OCs to me. I don’t know how to articulate why and I’m not sure if it’s even a real problem or just me being so sick of seeing a crack pairing everywhere.

Chapter 44: Slick/Sleuth, Droog/Inspector, Mobsterswitch, Double date (DD (PI, SS, PS))

You know, this really is an entertaining setup you’ve got, but even more than a lot of stuff, it’s not at all fanfic. You’ve changed the characters, plot, and setting. What you’ve invented is interesting, it’s just not what it’s labeled as.

Chapter 45: Die, Voodoo doll shenanigans (Crowbar (Die))

That was par for the course, as far as Crowbar knew; Sawbuck had told him gently within the first few days that Die hadn’t spoken to anyone in at least seventy-five years, and not to take it personally.

Wait, what?

This all seems lacklusterly plotted. Crowbar suggests a combination of multiple pins that doesn’t seem particularly significant despite his claims of it being weird – maybe I’m missing something? – then Die vanishes, then for some reason Crowbar decides this means he’s maybe gotten Die killed, then actually Die was fine and partying. There isn’t much reason or point behind events.

An awful lot of these feel like they’re really badly suited for the short format, in that they seem to build off something not included and build toward something out of sight.

Chapter 46: Aradia+Stabkids, Dealing with drunk dads (Aradia (SS, DD, Sollux, Tavros, Karkat))

Your name is Aradia Megido and you think you’re probably too old for this. Or possibly not old enough, it’s not clear. Either way, you’re having to chaperone your father and his stupid friends, and they are really, really drunk.

That seems like it’s solidly on the “not old enough” side, and even if it was something you could waffle about, why do so when twisting the usual line to be too young for this would be snappier anyway?

“He can’ have any, ‘e’s not … of age,” your dad points out.

I can sort of see how one could get to a Droog that’s big on proper behavior, but it’s not exactly a starting trait of his, and this really doesn’t make much sense juxtaposed with them getting shitfaced in front of their kids. That’s the sort of thing a well meaning but weak-willed parent might do. Assuming Droog cared about Aradia not drinking because she’s not supposed to, he’d likely also be the sort to hide the alcohol away in a locked cabinet and never get drunk around her, because that’s also what you’re supposed to do.

(Also, that’s not exactly all that standard. For example, most states say you’re not allowed to provide alcohol for minors unless they’re your kids, some don’t even care if there’s parents involved so long as it’s not public. I really can’t see Slick’s town as being exceptionally strict concerning underage drinking. Particularly when their main influence is mobsters, who should be fine with their kids having a glass of wine.)

Slick watches you for a second and then looks to his glassfull of bourbon. “You wan’ one?”
“Slick!” Normally, you’re pretty sure Daddy would have at least shoved Slick for that, but this time he just pulls you back into a protective embrace. “She’s only fifteen.”

The kids are that old and Droog’s still acting like they’ll die if they touch the stuff? There wasn’t even a drinking age until after Prohibition. And clearly these are not people who just think alcohol is generally terrible and so want to keep their kids from it as long as possible.

Of all the things to get uptight about, underage drinking?

Chapter 47: Dame+Gamzee, parenting (HD, Gamzee)

I just … fuck, I don’t know how your relationship works, okay? Sorry.

That would probably be because it’s some pair the spares nonsense. Look, you’re writing these as individual stories meant to stand alone, aren’t you? You can mix and match kids to go with a given story rather than trying to lay out all the pairs and never changing them, it’s not like it’s canon that Hysterical Dame’s kid is Gamzee.

Also this serves to remind me how intensely annoying it is to me that Kanaya’s supposed connection is to Sleuth.

But mostly this is why people need to pause at a certain point and realize that endlessly building up your fanon is not a good idea.

Chapter 48: Slick+Deuce, Slick forgets how to stab (Deuce (Slick))

I can’t tell to what degree this is just supposed to be wallowing in black comedy, especially considering this isn’t the first fic that’s just about how sad it would be for Slick not to be stabbing people. Doesn’t Deuce have any personality beyond whatever Slick wants at the moment? Doesn’t he see anything positive in the idea of Slick not being able to stab him at will, even for an instant?

Chapter 49: Slick/Boxcars (Boxcars (Slick))

It’s not really a relationship that should work, when you step back and look at the cold hard facts of the personalities involved. Slick is a nasty, violent little man with a grudge against the world and you … you’re you.

The fact Boxcars likes romance doesn’t change the fact he’s still a nasty, violent man as well. If you’re trying to draw a distinction about what they want out of a relationship and how things work anyway, you should be speaking specifically about what he’s like in that respect.

You do well at showing them together convincingly.

Chapter 50: Jade-Bec+Jack-Bec (Jack (Jade))

Surprisingly cute.

Crowbar (Die)
Droog (Slick, FOC)
Droog (PI)
DD (Jackspers)
GPI (PI, DD)
Aradia (DD)
PI (Nepeta)
Slick (Karkat)
Slick, Droog, Deuce, Boxcars (Karkat, Aradia, Sollux, Tavros)
DD (CD, SS, HB, MOC)
Sleuth (Slick)
Droog (Aradia)
Sleuth (Slick)
DD (PI, SS, PS)
Crowbar (Die)
Aradia (SS, DD, Sollux, Tavros, Karkat)
HD, Gamzee
Deuce (Slick)
Boxcars (Slick)
Jack (Jade)
Three of twenty.