Yesterday, I posted the PM chain of communication failure. I ended on agreeing to review the author’s story if he agreed to read and review Lucki, with the hope that my story would get something across where my regular words had failed me. I wanted him to get to chapter twelve – it’s not the final denouement, but it would cover the issue of showing a pokemon’s wishes conflicting with that of their trainer, which was the point that stood out as the worst element – or at least, the thing that most bothered me – in what I’d been told about the story. And at the very least, I was hoping that seeing how he talked about Lucki might help me understand him well enough that I could communicate any of my own thoughts on his story successfully.
AuraCaster chapter 1 . Jun 1
First off, I feel that I’m missing some important details about the main character and what is exactly going on. It feels like I just got dropped into the middle of the story with no idea what’s exactly going on; where does the story take place? Who are all these characters that I know nothing about?
As for why Lucki chose that specific squirtle, yes she could have chosen a pokemon more suitable for battle, or one that would be more popular, but when she saw the squirtle, she chose it because she felt it was the right choice to make, although I have no Idea about that squirtle’s personality yet, or even if it will be obedient to Lucki, but being a trainer does come with challenges, and sometimes those challenges involve dealing with disobedient pokemon.
AuraCasterchapter 2 . Jun 1
So far, Silver hasn’t really been explained much. Again, not much explanation is given as to what exactly is going on, and although it’s kinda good that Lucki is asking the pokemon if they want to battle first, I just don’t know how to feel about the story so far.
Lucki bought Silver a translator, but it doesn’t seem to be getting much use, as I would expect it to be a convenient way to give us a better idea about Silver’s personality. I’m also seeing a lot of run on sentences, most of which missing plausible commas that could help break it down a little better.
Okay, this chapter is missing a lot of details, it’s moving too fast to follow, and I’m confused about what’s going on at any given moment.
When Lucki met Flareon, she was in the pokemon center, correct? At least that’s what I thought, but suddenly, with no transition whatsoever, Lucki and the Flareon suddenly appeared in the pokemart. Again, there is a lot of missing information, and proper transitions are needed to get a better feel for the story.
[They trained for a few hours.]
What happened during the training? It goes from them going from starting off the day, to suddenly being exhausted whith no context as to what happened.
AuraCasterchapter 3 . Jun 5
The chapter is full of run-on sentences, and just like the previouse chapters, everything is moving at much too fast of a rate, which in turn makes the story extremely hard to follow. There’s also hardly any informatio to go off, I still have no clue about Sliver’s personality, nor even really Lucki’s, whom I’d assume would be the main character.
Overall, I think the main problem with the story so far is the lack of proper punctuation and grammar, as well as lack of any form of information, because I’ve seen so many parts that could have easily been used to build up the characters and explain so much more; in the last chapter, the training scene could have been the prime opportunity to give the readers an idea of the pokemon’s characters, cause from what I’m seeing in their characters, is that they don’t have any real importance to the story. It might have been said in chapter one that Lucki chose Silver because she could just feel it was the right choice, which would kind of make sense in the pokemon world, but from the way she’s never even bothered taking time to bond with her pokemon tells me she doesn’t really care for them, and her being nice is only an act.
All I know about Lucki so far is that she wants to be a strong trainer, and that’s literally about it. There should be more to her character than just being there and being called the main character, and the way she hardly communicates with her pokemon makes me think that those translators serve no real purpose, and were pretty much a waste of money.
For Silver, I know less than nothing about her, there have been several opportune times where you cold have given her an actual personality, cause it seems like Lucki choosing her wasn’t just because she felt it was right, but it looks like Silver is just a way to make Lucki look better. I probably know more about Flare than I do Silver, and considering Silver was Lucki’s starter and was chosen because Lucki “felt it was right”, Lucki could have easily took some time to talk with Silver as soon as she got the translator, which makes me think Lucki only bought the collar to boost herself even higher.
In this chapter, I’ve probably learned more about Flare than Silver; Flare is probably the kind of character who doesn’t like to admit to weakness, seeing as he refused to return to his ball and didn’t hesitate to fight the Bagon.
I continuesly see unneeded commas an periods, as well as places there should be a comma or period; I’d copy-paste some of the examples, but for some reason I can’t select any writing in the story.
If I were reviewing someone else’s story, or more specifically a story that wasn’t purposely written for that reason, I’d tell them to look at how much is written about the characters at this time, and ask them to think about how much the readers know about them, because the author will obviousely know more because it’s their story, while the readers have no clue about these things without seeing them first hand, that is why I feel it is important to take time to intorduce the characters properly, give the readers a basic idea of how they act and such, which is what should be explained if not all in the prologue, then within the first few chapters.
I hope this review could be helpful at least somewhat.
AuraCaster chapter 4 . Jun 10
Four chapters in and that’s the first time I recall seeing Lucki’s last name.
I notice an abundance of unneeded periods that are breaking up what I’d assume to be the same sentence, making it all choppy and hard to read smoothly. And as it’s been in every other chapter, everything still moves too fast to follow properly.
I feel like Lucki was a bit too quick with trusting someone she’d never met before, she just let the old man take Flare without any form of compensation to make sure he would safely return him, not only does this make it seem like she cares for her pokemon even less, but it makes her seem like a naive child who clearly doesn’t have much common sense.
Why does the poochyena just suddenly get up and follow Lucki? This is one of those things that makes the story so hard to follow. And not only that, but she doesn’t even question why it’s following her, which adds to the fact that I feel she lacks a whole lot of common sense, and probably shouldn’t even be traveling alone if at all.
AuraCasterchapter 5 . Jun 10
I don’t recall Lucki catching the grumpig, nor did I see the trainer give Lucki the pokeball he threw, this is something that makes it all hard to follow.
It also seemed very repetative, especially with the battles, which also didn’t seem to have much if any effort put into righting them. Pokemon can learn a variety of moves, yet I’ve only seen a very minor few actually used: flamethrower, rockslide, water gun, bite, and tackle being the ones I remember off the top of my head.
In canon, pokemon can learn at most four moves, while I’ve pretty much only seen every pokemon use at most two, three on rare occassions.
AuraCasterchapter 6 . Jun 12
Right away I see so much missing info: at the end of last chapter they had just beaten Flannery, and now they’re all of a sudden in the hotsprings? I’ve noticed a lot of moments where they are in one place at one moment, and all of a sudden they’re in an entirely different place with no explanation or transition to speak of. There could have easily been a scene for Lucki to actrually recieve the badge, but instead they go from the gym to the hotsprings within a single instant.
It is explained that the hotsprings would help with their training, yet nothing was shown other than Lucki trying to encourage Flare. This would have been a great oportunity to actually show their training and go deeper into their characters, but yet again this makes it look like those two have no importance. Also, why does Lucki encourage Flare, but not Silver? This was another time where it seems Lucki only chose Silver to make herself look better.
What importance does saying she baought supplies do when we don’t even get to see what she bought? Yet again, lacking info.
She said she still only had two pokemon. What happened to the Grumpig? Because I clearly remember her thanking that random trainer for getting HER the Grumpig.
Where’d she get the third translator, and wouldn’t they be very expensive? There is no mention of her ever getting any money while traveling, yet she somehow had enough to purchase not only two, but three translators.
What was the importance of the trading scene? Because it didn’t seem needed at all.
If Lucki figured they wouldn’t win, why would she put Silver through more attacks? Lucki could have easily forfeit the match for the safety of her starter pokemon, but she chose to let the battle go on.
AuraCasterchapter 8 . Jun 13
Three major things I notice in this chapter.
One: There’s no explanation as to why Flare didn’t react at all, he should have reacted when he noticed Team Flare for one, and the fact that Lucki was no where to be seen. How he acted so friendly towards them makes me think he’s happy to be away from Lucki, and since there’s never any explanation as to how they train, she could have very well been abusing him along with the others. Also why choose Flare to pop out? Why not Silver? It feels like Silver has no purpose at all at this point.
Second: I remember seeing something about this story being based on the games, so why is Team Aqua acting so nice when they pretty much want the same thing as Team Magma? They are both criminal organizations, so it doesn’t make sense for Team Aqua to have actually helped Lucki for that reason, if anything they would have just helped her for the sole purpose of preventing Team Magma from progressing farther than them.
Third: Tropius was awfully quick to just agree to go along with Lucki, especially since the reason it did all this was to save it’s friends, yet it just as quickly leaves them to join a stranger. I feel Lucki just gets everything handed to her.
That’s as far as he got. He kept talking all the while to me about wanting to edit the sixth chapter before I got there, or edit this, or post another chapter, and maybe I could just post my reviews and he could edit based on that and then get back to reviewing me, etc. Finally he went silent for a while, posted a new chapter, then when I poked him he said he’d been busy but would get right on it, and that was the last PM from him.
Regardless, it was informative. My hypothesis that people have a higher tolerance for their self-insert in particular than sues in general is borne out, giving me a baseline for what he considers good/bad behavior under normal circumstances and something to use for comparisons. (I suspect the more it differs, the better this works, so my female character is more likely to provoke this reaction.) He clearly doesn’t like skipping information, so telling him to remove sections isn’t going to work – instead, I decided to focus on what to further add to those sections to make them contain more relevant information and less filler. And he seems to get confused easily if he misses any piece of information while also not going back to check, so I should be really detailed and repeat things several different ways because it’s likely if he loses the thread at any point, he won’t reread to make a second attempt. When talking about Lucki’s interactions with pokemon, he seems to focus largely on the quantity of interactions, not the content, so talking about how his character treats pokemon may be harder than usual. He focuses a lot about Silver, which is either because he assumes a starter pokemon is inherently elevated from the rest or he interprets Lucki feeling Silver’s the right one as a sign of a special destiny, so that’s something to keep in mind when talking about his character’s starter.
Between the fact I need to be extremely detailed, the fact I can’t just tell him to cut elements, and the fact the story is an unending clusterfuck of problems, this means my own reviews end up massive and have to be posted in several parts.
It should also be pointed out that none of this can be turned into a general rule – someone who does not have difficulty understanding, or who will reread if they miss something, will likely be offended if you talk to them in this manner.
This whole thing makes me think of the running gag in Always Sunny where Charlie needs movie plots explained in excruciating detail or he doesn’t understand what’s going on.
This is the only thing I’ve ever seen of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and yet, it accurately summarizes how I feel about reading this.
Somehow, I feel as if I’ve become more exasperated dealing with this person than Mini-Farla has, despite not actually having ever dealt with him personally. I posted my comment on the first part, the comment below, and that’s it.
And yet, I feel as if he’s beaten me down much more than he has Mini-Farla. It’s amazing.
His run-on sentences are starting to be the biggest problem to me. I just realized how many of them he makes. I hope his fic isn’t also like this.
First off, I feel that I’m missing some important details about the main character and what is exactly going on.
Do you think we should tell the poor dude about in medias res?
she chose it because she felt it was the right choice to make
Okay, but why? It’s like he can see the problems, but doesn’t see that they’re problems. It’s fascinating.
Overall, I think the main problem with the story so far is the lack of proper punctuation and grammar
Mini-Farla stared too deeply into the abyss, and the abyss criticized Farla’s punctuation and grammar.
(Also, it sounds like the main problem he has so far is that it’s going too fast, not explaining anything, and failing to establish any details. Again, it’s like he’s recognizing the problem without recognizing it.)
I continuesly see unneeded commas an periods
Wait, I thought his problem was run-on sentences. What is this I don’t even.
If I were reviewing someone else’s story
What- but- no- you… You are reviewing someone else’s story!
Thing is, it wasn’t actually in media res opening. The story started with Lucki and some other character who doesn’t matter to Lucki ready to pick their starters at some kind of trainer school.
Like, it wasn’t a scene meant to excite the reader or make them ask what’s going on, there wasn’t any action. It was… a really straightforward opening scene establishing the bare basics of who the protagonist is and what is her current position in the world.
Oh, you misunderstood. I meant telling him about the concept, and stories that actually do begin in he middle of things.
Like, if he’s this confused by this level of explanation, he’ll probably be clueless when it comes to actual in medias res.
Still sad he stopped just before everything started to fall apart for Lucki.
Also, while I do agree with you that him growing bored with reviewing is the most likely possibility here, the timing is just so perfect to assume he finally got the joke and it killed him.
Yeah, that sounds right. Sues are born out of desire to live vicariously through your characters, which often blinds people who write them to the issues with their characters they can easily see in others. I guess it’s like playing a video game vs watching someone else playing it. Obviously, they suck at it, you can point dozens different ways in which they suck. And just as obviously, you don’t make the same mistakes. You’re having fun, after all, that means you’re doing everything right.
Still consider it the most bizarre part of this whole thing. Apparently, there really are people who would rather read about the character waking up, greeting parents, looking in the mirror, eating breakfast, etc.
“Middle of the movie,” right. Kinda reminds me of that alchemist guy who said Hunger Games started in media res.
the timing is just so perfect to assume he finally got the joke and it killed him
Hopefully, it means he learned something from the task?
I guess it’s like playing a video game vs watching someone else playing it.
Hey guys, remember the shrine of the silver monkey? Remember how you could’ve totally solved it effortlessly?
Still consider it the most bizarre part of this whole thing. Apparently, there really are people who would rather read about the character waking up, greeting parents, looking in the mirror, eating breakfast, etc.
Yeah, it’s hard to say exactly what’s going on here. It could be he really struggles to understand stories, so even small detail changes are a lot of work and he prefers lots of repetition, in the same way most people would rather have standard spelling than sound out words each time. It could also be that he has just little experience working to understand stories and thinks it’s supposed to be largely elements you already know – the fact he spends time complaining to me about how he’s sure he remembers Lucki getting the grumpig rather than going back to look suggests he just isn’t trying to understand even when he’s capable of it, as does the fact he isn’t spending hours to produce these short reviews.
Honestly, this is such a serious reading comprehension problem it makes me have to stop myself from armchair diagnosing. Not understanding basic scene transitions, or the idea that characters can do things offscreen, is so bizarre as to be alarming.
I would love to know how old he is. Being like, 13, would make this less weird, but this breed of fic tends to be something of the 16 – 22 set.
In the mass of words in the PMs, he references some sort of mental issue and his profile talks about OCD in what may or may not be a joke. There’s definitely something unusual going on here, but it’s so hard to make out just what may be from that when a lot of the weirdness isn’t actually any different than the standard weirdness of older trainer aura-using special destiny Arceus-chosen pokefucking stories.
A big distinction to me is he doesn’t spend much time on these reviews, so it’s not that he worked really hard but still couldn’t make heads or tails of the story. One and Two are separated by forty minutes and then Four and Five are separated by twenty-one minutes – and that’s the bit where he seems most lost, no less.
So, I went to his profile to read what he wrote about OCD and… this isn’t an OCD-ridden clusterfuck at all. In fact, it’s actually pretty well organized and concise. Maybe he means OCPD? That’d make more sense in the context.
I do think I remember the fic this guy wrote that Mini-Farla reviewed, though. It might’ve been the one that was about the lucario that turned into a girl because there weren’t enough females to reproduce or something. I can’t find the blog post where he was reviewed, though.
I’m not even sure what you could label this as in the first place, even if you wanted to armchair diagnose it.
Still consider it the most bizarre part of this whole thing. Apparently, there really are people who would rather read about the character waking up, greeting parents, looking in the mirror, eating breakfast, etc.
Now I’m wondering how much I could get out of a character doing this, going to get their first pokemon… and then going home and just chilling with their new pokemon buddy. Too bad I absolutely loathe the way the anime does starter pokemon.
… Oooh, what if I have Professor Oak give the PC a pokemon to go get his parcel, and they go and get it, and after coming back they just go home? Yeah, yeah, that could work…
More seriously, I think it’s because this dude just doesn’t understand skipping any period of time. This dude must freak the fuck out when an anime does a huge multi-year long timeskip. How is he supposed to know what happens in the first chapter of Naruto Shipuuden when you just skipped over two years of Naruto doing stuff? You’re just throwing him right in the middle of the water with that one.
Like, it’s actually kind of concerning. If I wrote a story that started with a character washing dishes and thinking how good dinner was, will he be confused because I didn’t say what the dinner was? He asked why there wasn’t a scene with Lucki getting a badge from Flannery in between beating Flannery and the next scene. Because it wasn’t explicitly stated, he’s unsure if she got the badge at all. It’s like… Farla skipped a lot of stuff with Lucki, but it’s like… 3x = 9. Farla assumed her readers could fill in the blank, but this guy can’t.
Well, he did say he had no idea about Naruto, and while I wouldn’t think much of that normally, it may be he avoids a lot of media for that very reason.
Like, it’s actually kind of concerning. If I wrote a story that started with a character washing dishes and thinking how good dinner was, will he be confused because I didn’t say what the dinner was? He asked why there wasn’t a scene with Lucki getting a badge from Flannery in between beating Flannery and the next scene. Because it wasn’t explicitly stated, he’s unsure if she got the badge at all. It’s like… Farla skipped a lot of stuff with Lucki, but it’s like… 3x = 9. Farla assumed her readers could fill in the blank, but this guy can’t.
It’s weird. He doesn’t seem to actually be confused by them – he says that there should have been a scene including (events that obviously happened) not that if he’s unsure (events that obviously happened) actually did happen. The stuff that’s really throwing him is things that are off-script, like Lucki encountering a pokemon but not catching it, and the way he talks about stuff he’s confused about doesn’t suggest he thinks his reading is particularly prone to error. And while he can’t understand the off-script bits, it doesn’t seem like going into detail there matters (I say what’s going on with the poochyena, it’s just the whole thing doesn’t usually happen in fanfic).
he did say he had no idea about Naruto
Any anime with a timeskip could fit in there. Dragonball, One Piece, whatever you want. Anime fucking loves time skips.
he says that there should have been a scene including (events that obviously happened) not that if he’s unsure (events that obviously happened) actually did happen
… So… what? Is he concerned that other people won’t get it, or something? I just don’t understand how this guy’s train of thought works.
(I say what’s going on with the poochyena, it’s just the whole thing doesn’t usually happen in fanfic)
I’m going to have to actually read the fic to respond to this part, I think.